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mystiika · 9 months

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re; isaac's survival guilt

this post is not for the faint of heart so proceed at your own risk. in this i cover his mother ( amelia ), his brother ( camden ), his father ( simon ), erica, boyd, ending with allison. then at the end i go into how isaac managed confront the feeling at all & manage it the best he can

as time passed, his comfort asking his father about his mother dwindled, & cam was finding it increasingly difficult to remember things to tell isaac about their mother. isaac had been given the box mentioned in amelia's info post over here. along with a bunch of loose photos cam had collected for him — mostly of their mother & a good few of her while pregnant with isaac. at first he liked it a lot, he got to hear stories about this woman who'd loved him so much & how amazing she was. but then he started to really understand it all.

he started to notice this loss when he compared himself to his peers. where so many people had a mother's arms to run to, he was shown the outstretched hand of his big brother. where others would excitedly make mother's day cards, isaac was reminded that on top of no mother, he had no grandmother or aunts to substitute with. at first he'd made "mother's day" cards for his father, then for cam, then eventually he'd write a short note of things he wanted her to know about him & how he was doing. then once he was old enough not to be forced into it, he stopped it all together.

& as he got a litte bit older, he was slowly given more & more reminders that he was the reason she'd died. he didn't want to die, he never did. but when there's an onslaut of threats & gaslighting, h'd started to regret being born the slightest bit. if he hadn't, then his dad would be happier, cam would have his mom still, & he didn't didn't have to walk on eggshells for fear of encurring his father's wrath.

he never felt mad at her though, not really. &, from everything he's heard about her, he knows it's not an outcome she would have ever chosen & can't fault her for not knowing the future. but hewas angry about a lot of things, the number of which only increased as he got older, but never at her. instead he felt so unimaginably bad, overwhlemingly guilty just for waking up in the morning. & once he got a little older still, he started to question whether it really was his doing. cam had been saying it all along but isaac found it hard to believe for a long time. then when he felt doubts, that's when he started to get angry at his father.

& despite figuring out the truth of it all, he still had to actively stop himself from blaming himself for what happened, that none of it was his fault & that he didn't really deserve what was happening to him. once cam left home, it was hard for this voice of reason not to be overshadowed by the ever increasing reminders of just how much he was to blame.

then came the news that cam had gone missing in action & was declared dead. isaac wanted to grieve, but couldn't find it in himself, it hadn't really sunk in. he felt a little numb afterwards if he was totally honest, like he was going through all the motions but he couldn't cry. cam had been his protector, his best friend & confidante, his favourite person in the entire world, & a better role model than isaac could have asked for. cam was the only reason isaac felt loved growing up, & truth be told, he was afraid that he'd used up all the love the universe had granted him. he felt undeserving of any more than that. he was such a fuck up, maybe cam only loved him because they were brothers — after all, that was part of his fathers doctrine.

& with no one else to blame except maybe himself, simon put the fault on isaac once again. if he wasn't such a terrible son, a terrible brother, maybe cam wouldn't have run off to join the military. isaac was the reason he'd been driven from their home just as it was isaac's life that had taken amelia's. the way simon berated him, kicked it was as if isaac had killed them with his own two hands.

&so the guilt just for being alive grew larger. even if he knew nothing had been his doing, his father's voice & insistance was so loud, echoing in his mind for hours, at times even days. & when chained up in that tiny freezer in their basement, those words were the only things he could hear over his screaming & scratching & pleading to anything listening just to let him out. sometimes he passed out having exhausted himself, other times he wasn't so lucky. it was like a never ending panic attack. then once let out & back in his room, he sobbed nearly every time despite all his best efforts & then he felt so weak, so angry at his father but himself too for being able to do nothing else. he wasn't even sure exactly why he cried. not when there were so many posible reasons he'd never really been able to figure out why. it felt like it was from the exhaustion but being as young as he was, he couldn't understand why that might have been.

then when his father was murdered, he felt such intense relief knowing all those . & he felt so guilty over that feeling. deserving such a brutal death or not, he'd left that house to chase isaac down. later once isaac found out why his father was killed, he felt a little less guilty whether his father died that night or some random night after. it would have happened eventually regardless. but once simon was dead & buried, isaac had to sit with that fact that he was alone. sure he had derek & the others, but they didn't feel like they were his people. he was with them because they had use for each other, that was all. ( monkeys together strong lol )

unfortunately, his family were just the first deaths of people he felt guilty just for outliving them. after all, why him? why was he mistreated from the time he could walk, only to be thrust into the world as a teen ( as a child ) that had nothing? there were lawyers, social workers, teachers, good officers like the sheriff, but that wasn't enough. they helped him as far as what was related to simon's death, but soon enough came the day when his phone didn't ring again. once their jobs were done, what good was talking to a 16 year old just to ask if he needed anything, if he was even okay.

he was old enough that they couldn't force him into the system but he also had no interest in keeping the house, paying bills with what money? anything his father had was locked away until isaac turned 18. but all his savings were from working at a graveyard & being forklift & backhoe certified didn't do much good for him.

so he went to derek. the man was isaac's alpha, & if isaac couldn't go to him, what hope would he have for anyone else? all his life he'd lived for someone else, he didn't know how to be his own person & so derek became the newest star for isaac to orbit. they were a pack, he was meant to be able to rely on the alpha, meant to be cared for ( as gruff as the older man was ).

then for a time it was just isaac, erica, boyd, & derek. he didn't care for derek much, he felt grateful he was given an out from his old life, given a means to protect himself as well as others. but he also knew derek was just using him. if it wasn't isaac, it would have been someone else. derek needed a pack, he needed the strength that came with it.

erica was the first person he really grew close to after this new chapter in his life began. scott & his pack all felt more like begrudging allies, rivals even. & derek was, well, derek. erica on the other hand was kind, she was sweet, he had such comradery with her. he finally felt like he was having fun, realising the first time she makes him laugh when he can't remember the last time he had. then boyd joined them. he & isaac never really grew close. they were in the same pack but that was about where their relationship ended. especially since boyd rather wanted to monopolise erica it didn't exactly aid their non existant friendship ( isaac had a crush on her too, though he was so late to realise his feelings he'd lost her before he had the chance to do anything ).

then the two asked him leave with them or to stay in beacon hills & isaac made a decision that still haunts him from time to time. they were supposed to make it to a nearby pack they'd heard about, but it was clear something happened to them & isaac spent the next 4 months non stop searching for his packmates. he found them too, but was attacked & unable to do anything besides retreat on the verse of passing out saved only by braeden, & to come back for them with help. but when he finally did, he was too late & erica was gone. he'd left her there alive. he should have helped her leave on her own two feet instead of carrying her lifeless body past the abandoned bank's threshold. but he couldn't save her, he was too weak. he couldn't protect her & it ate away at him bit by bit just had all the others. he couldn't help but blame himself, thinking that maybe if he'd just gone with them both that night he might have been able to prevent her death. he knew that he was just as inexperienced as them & in all likelihood would have just died with them. but guilt doesn't always follow facts. besides, he already had a tally of 3 graves on his back, what was one more?

afterwards, he managed to lessen the gap between himself & boyd just slightly, both driven by a mutual desire to get revenge on the alphas for killing erica ( along with all the other atrocities that they had committed throughout the years since their formation ). but only just in time to see boyd too become another casualty isaac was left behind to grieve. after their deaths & his ever dwindling faith in derek, he found himself moving towards scott as his new alpha before he knew it. he just wanted to get away from all the loss & grief that seemed to haunt him.

what he didn't expect was to add more names to the list of those he was afraid to lose.

what he didn't expect was to fall in love with allison ( about as in love as he'd had time to do anyway ).

what he didn't expect was to watch her die, twice. once even by his own hand.

her first death was awkward for them both. he'd been selected as both her reaper & guardian. he was forced to hold her underwater, to feel her fighting back against his hands firmly planted on her shoulders & the fear he felt when her fighting stopped. then came the waiting. 16 hours of waiting for her to come back to them, tired but all too wired from anxiety about what would happen if she never woke up at all. he ran it through his head over & over. maybe the worst part of it was the idea of having to live remembering that terrible feeling when he closed his eyes or remembering the sound of her breath escaping her lips beneath the water whenever he heard bubbles, or maybe it was the idea of him having to tell allison's father chris what it was that he had done.

the second time was a little different. his budding feelings for her clouded his mind with thoughts of envy & jealousy in equal parts at scott being the one to hold her in the end, to hear a final confession of love for her ex as if their time together had meant nothing, that he meant nothing. but all that aside, once again he was left angry at himself, thinking that maybe if he'd done more, been stronger, been faster, been smarter, then he might have been able to stop it. & its also the first time in a long time he wishes it had been him instead. he had the least to live for, the least people to grieve his death, why did everyone else have to die & leave him behind? his heart shattered too frequently, only just shoddily glued back together in time for it to break again & pick up as many pieces as he can.

he didn't know what to do with himself after that, the bulk of the shock wore off faster for himself than the others from the sight of her dying right in front of them. instead he went sooner into the pain from the loss. then chris came to each of them, making sure everyone had their stories straight. isaac seemed quickest on the upkeep, left wondering if all his practice outliving so many made it easier to focus when it came down to it. but that had been the immediate. he remembers afterwards a bit more. sitting in a row, lydia, scott, & himself in dead silence among the ever noisy police station, waiting to be called in to give their statements. it wasn't hard to pretend to be in shock, he knew what that felt like & how it looked. but he also knew his lines — he was sorry, it all happened so fast, one minute things were fine, the next they were attacked & allison fell to the ground. that he couldn't remember anything else.

then when he didn't have to worry about remembering his lines perfectly, he starts to sit in his thoughts, his tears pricking his eyes, heart aching, stomach sick. he couldn't help but sink into the pain of it all, the regret, the hurt, the fear, the guilt.

he was grateful chris took him home, crying into his shoulder as his arms gripped isaac tight. his life with chris from then on didn't alleviate any of the depression or blame he'd put on himself, but he felt a little less alone. melissa too had been good to him, taking him in after derek kicked him out & isaac was beyond grateful for that, but at some point after all the time, the days & nights he'd spent at the argent household, he'd started to view chris almost like a father figure — a sentiment that only grew when chris became his guardian, moving to paris together where isaac was able to get a fresh start away from his painful past.

he's not totally fine in modern day either though. occasionally still feeling the effects of all the trauma & the seemingly never ending guilt that everyone in his life died, abandoning him behind in the land of the living to question over & over again — why him? why not him? but during isaac's final year of high school he got himself into therapy. it helped him process so much from his youth & he learned helpful coping mechanisms for once instead of running or working out to the point of exhaustion, until the point of passing out. & blasting music in his ear all the while in an attempt to drown out any thoughts swirling around in his head, sometimes successfully, sometimes not.

eventually the nightmares dwindled, lessening his insomnia & even now the nights he lies awake stewing in his negative thoughts were fewer. he felt a little less angry at the world too, for the hand he'd been dealt when he'd never even asked for a seat at the table. but he was alive, & knew he needed to make the most of his time, to finally act like a stupid teen instead of a "perfect" child who was forced to grow up too fast.

but for better or worse, he was alive. & originally he had no idea of what he wanted to do after graduation. he never really had the time to consider it, nor did he want to create this dream for himself when he was constantly fighting a balance between life & death.

reasons for his choice to become a paramedic is a whole other meta BUT, i'm mentioning it as being able to save lives & prevent people from experiencing the same loss he had, made isaac feel a little better. no matter how many people he saves, it will never completely undo the fact he'd been unable to protect those he'd cared about in the past, nor the painful feeling of surviving them all. but with every successful call, it was like he finally found a purpose. if he'd died, he'd never have been able to do what he does & make the difference he had.

#metas — the gap between understanding & misunderstanding can best be bridged by thought #i. lahey. character study — pragmatic to a fault #queue.

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mystiika · 9 months

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an npc from isaac's life

it took a very long to find an fc i like but i have officially determined miss bernadette peters to be the fc for isaac's mother, aka amelia lahey. she died from complications after isaac's birth so he only "knew" her for about a day. i always put off writing out anything about her personality from bad experiences with camden blogs of brothers past, but i figured writing him for a decade is long enough to go without properly talking about her anyway. its not like growing up without her doesn't still affect him in adulthood. her death was the cause for his earliest feelings of survivor's guilt & isaac still has to actively remind himself while thinking about her that her death was not his fault however i'll get into that more in a bit.

before i really get into anything i want to put a quick trigger warning. death is obviously mentioned but her past involves fertility issues & miscarriages along with pregnancy complications eventually resulting in complications during isaac's birth to which she succumbed to a day later. some things are mentioned more than once though & i'd rather just put it all below a cut than risk anyone catching anything by accident if i miss a tag somewhere but i'll try to put all the major key words. also nothing about her personality or medical history is all that important to interacting with isaac. if its relevant, he'll tell your muse himself or i'll bring up things if context feels needed.

anyway, onto her <3

amelia was always a really kind soul but was loud & proud of the things she cared about, standing up to bullies 3 times her size for being mean to people in her presence & was sort of seen as a bit of a loose canon if you pushed her to it. but she grew up so loved in a big family that she'd hoped she'd be able to create in her own marriage. for her, motherhood was something she’d like to think it was something she had been good at, something she would have been good at. she always avoided the "grown up" table at family events, more interested in playing with the younger kids & as sort of seen as a baby whisperer of sorts. growing up, she had always been told she’d be a great mother & she prided herself on that fact among so many other things, mind you. as a side note mother hood is heavily mentioned but that's because of how she relates to camden & later isaac, & i don't mean nor want to imply that motherhood was her one & only dream, nor was it her entire personality & i feel like that doesn't really read much in this post. she loved flowers & music & taking camden out on mother son dates. she loved picnics in the park on a sunny day. she loved the beach & the sound of waves. she loved science & medicine which eventually led to her job as a nurse. & as difficult a job as a nurse could be, she knew that her tired feet were the result of making a difference even if its just one patient or family at a time.

this next bit is from an old post from her perspective after her death & it feels like a good way to show what her feelings would be looking back on isaac now. "she’d like to think motherhood was something she had been good at, something she would have been good at. growing up, she had always been told she’d be a great mother & even though in hindsight she shouldn’t have tried so hard to convince simon to have kids, but she had been so desperate for a family & for a family with him. she wanted to be a mother, to be able to love & raise a child of her own, watch them grow both physically & as a person under her gentle guidance, & to be able to help them whenever they needed her. she had a few good years with camden & she was sure he had known exactly how much she loved him but with isaac, she had never been a mother at all. she was the one that abandoned him from birth, condemning him & his brother to a life with a father who never truly wanted children despite any real love he felt for them. she’d like to think she was a good mother, but no adequate mother would have done something as terrible as that." the ending is perhaps a little more intense than the reality but its her feelings on the matter so who am i to say.

i will say, the desperation mentioned above had been a rather slow growing feeling than something she'd started out with. while she always knew she wanted kids & to build a home life like the one she'd had growing up, she hadn't really been rushing for it. for a time she was happy just living her life with her then boyfriend, soon fiance turned husband. he'd never really been the type to dislike children & was quite good with them. but it wasn't something he really saw in the cards for himself. it was only after they started trying for kids that it became a stronger want for her life & he started to wonder if the journey to get there was really worth it all. the women in her life had grown & married & started their families. motherhood started to grow to be more of a priority & after a good bit of talking about what that looks like for both of them, simon agreed to their having kids ( thankfully the conversation was before their marriage so that's a good practice at least but that's neither here not there ) he had a lot of apprehension about it, fears about the type of father he would be & how he was worried that he'd end up just like his dad ( which, spoiler, the abusive alcoholic truly doesn't fall far from the tree )

but all his worries she was able to dispel & so started their journey for a family of their own. by this time simon was forced to move back to his hometown of beacon hills from where he'd met & married amelia in the mid-west — all in order to take care of his father. his mother was long gone by then & the bitter old man had driven everyone away from him leaving only simon acting purely out of filial obligation. he hated it. he hated being around the father who'd been so terrible to him, he hated the town he'd tried so hard to get out of, & he hated that he'd dragged amelia away from everything & everyone she had ever known, but she'd refused to let him move alone. she was his only oasis & as guilty as he felt, he was so incredibly grateful to have her support.

within a few months of their move, they discovered she was pregnant & the both of them were overjoyed. she missed her family terribly & being able to start her own made her feel a little bit closer to them all. & simon needed something else, someone else in his life to make his life a little happier. unfortunately she had a miscarriage not 2 weeks after receiving their first ultrasound & she was beyond devastated. she was left grieving this loss as if she'd carried to term & had held the baby in her arms. & she had every right to feel that way. simon didn't react quite the same. to him that baby was just a jumble of cells with a heartbeat, not yet a person he'd grown to love. he grieved it, but more so as the concept of a family it represented. to him, a baby he could hold & care for would mean he'd no longer be grieving the loss of this baby. of course he kept this to himself for fear of making amelia feel invalid of her own very real version of grief ( so credit to him for this stuff at least ). frankly, he really was a good husband to her & actively tried his best to make sure he never slacked in that department.

this was also only the first miscarriage. as it would turn out, she had little difficulty getting pregnant, but rather seemed unable to carry to term & every time it would happen she'd be depressed for months, eventually allowing herself to try again only to recieve the same result. after their first, they assumed it was a fluke when their next time they were able to last into the second trimester. but she then miscarried again. after the 3rd miscarriage over in 4 years, simon insisted they see a specialist to find out why it was all happening &, more importantly, fix it so that they could have the baby she so badly wanted. by this time she'd slowly cut back on hours at work, having to take so much time off work in order to grieve ( & thankfully her employer & coworkers were all understanding ). meanwhile, simon wasn't sure how much longer he could take it all. he loved her beyond all words but it gutted him to watch the love of his life suffer so terribly while he could do nothing except watch her face grow tired as she started to become a shell of the woman she once was. she blamed herself as if it was a choice she'd made to lose every child they'd made together & he couldn't stand that.

& to simon's credit, they found their answer quite quickly. while it was unclear what, if anything, had caused their first, the subsequent miscarriages appeared to be as the result of a weakened cervix. a position that wasn't uncommon by any stretch. simply, the next time she gets pregnant they'd put in a small stitch to make sure the baby was able to remain in place. & as promised, the next time she became pregnant they did just that. & so camden came to be. the birth wasn't easy, it was long & painful but when she held her baby boy for the first time she knew undoubtedly all the pain & loss was worth it just to have him.

for a good few years they were a happy little family. simon was better at fatherhood than he'd expected but seeing how happy amelia was & how absolutely fantastic she was with cam, it was such a relief knowing he had her to rely on. then when cam was 5, their lives started to change again. to start, simon's father passed away, & while he didn't enjoy the feeling, he was glad he was gone. he was a miserable & mean spirited man who simon had never let cam be in a room with let alone meet. but knowing that the reason for their move was gone, they had to reassess if they were going to move again. in the end, the answer was no. she'd built a life there & so had camden. so with his father gone, simon agreed since it would make them happy.

it was also at this time that amelia brought up the idea of having another child. they no longer had to worry about taking care of simon's father & they had more than enough money to feed another mouth. simon on the other hand was far less willing. sure they knew the cause of the miscarriages, but pregnancy takes a toll on the body & from all the complications she'd had during cam's birth he had every right to be apprehensive. but in the end, cam was old enough not to need constant attention & amelia was right, they had both the time & money.

so once again she became pregnant quite quickly. both she & cam were beyond excited & simon felt a great deal of joy getting to watch the two of them. besides he loved cam, more than he'd expected, so what was another baby in the mix anyway?

as a side note, during amelia's pregnancy with camden she started making notes in a book addressed to him on things like silly cravings he'd given her or the first day she felt him kick, a book she continued up until the day she died, her last entry being the day before isaac's birth about how she knew he'd be a good brother & write about how excited he seemed to be. isaac had one too, though there were so many more blank pages than filled when all she had were the months leading up to his birth. the largest entry in isaac's book was about how camden had been the one to pick a final name for isaac, naming him after the imaginary friend he'd had. this book ended up in the box with all the other things she & cam had crafted for him.

during her pregnancy with isaac there were a few more problems than with camden, eventually landing her on complete bed rest until the birth. but during this time camden was learning all there was to know about being a big brother, even writing down important things he wished he knew earlier ( keep in mind he's still only 7 ). all in all they ended up making all sorts of things to give isaac once they brought him home, letters, cards, homemade books, drawings of the 4 of them together or at least how cam had imagined them to be — though the box wasn't something isaac saw until he was nearly 7 himself.

knowing how difficult cam's birth had been, simon & amelia it was best to book an appointment for a c-section. unfortunately isaac was too eager to meet the world & she went into labour 2 days before their appointment which meant that they had to try giving birth normally if or until a c-section is requited. they were right to worry when they eventually had to do an emergency cesarean. really, the doctors left it too long which only made matters worse. she seemed to pull through, even waking up long enough to spend some time with isaac but later that day, more complications arose & she eventually succumbed to those injuries.

losing her ( let alone losing her like that ) was simon's worst nightmare come to life.

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i'm going to be making this part 1 of 2. part 2 will be more about the immediate after her death & go a lot more in depth on their home life/what that looked like without her there & how isaac & cam were treated within that. links will be included here when they're up. her death was also fully preventable so i will mention winning a malpractice suit in that 3rd post as well. how he felt about her death directly will be included in part of a larger meta on isaac's survival guilt.

finally is a couple more posts written in her pov from my old isaac blog so read at ur leisure

prompt — an anon asked "are you proud of isaac?"

"Of course I am. He’s a fighter, just like his mom.”

She got to watch him grown up to be the amazing young man he is today. It was her own personal torture to watch what was happening to him and never being able to lift a finger to help him, but unlike so many as of late, her death had been final. There had been no coming back, there had been no helping her son. But even though he was forced to go through his life alone so far, she couldn’t be prouder of who he had become. He was learning to be his own person again, to go through life knowing it was okay to be a little selfish some times, that it was okay not to only worry about making everyone else happy.

”Isaac is such an amazing young man now, I just wish I could tell it to him, to say it to his face.”

prompt — a melissa blog asked "how can i help isaac?

”Melissa, there’s nothing more you can do for him than what you already are. Just keep treating him like you are, like a son. Be the mother I couldn’t be.”

#pregnancy //#birth //#medical malpractice //#death //#miscarriages //#not sure how to tag this exactly #but yeah she's so pretty and the hair in the last pic is so clearly isaac's curl type when its grown out #if the man would ever take care of his fuckin curls anyway !!#i. lahey. character study — pragmatic to a fault #amelia #but yeah i saw some pictures of a young bernadette peters and i knew she was perfect #queue.

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mystiika · 10 months

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although isaac never met his mother, he had seen her in photos, many of which were of her playing the piano. he was told she had been an exceptional pianist, keeping a grand piano in one corner of the living room where she would sit & play in her free time. after she died, isaac’s father immediately sold it & if asked why, would simply say it pained him to be reminded of how she used to sit and play for him & camden, even isaac whilst she was pregnant.

when isaac was about 6 years old, he & his brother cam were both enrolled in music school for piano lessons once a week after MUCH insistence. camden picked it up right away, obviously taking after their mother. but with isaac, it took a fair bit more practice.

when cam went off to join the army, isaac was left alone with his father. things were getting worse by that point & his father was becoming disinterested in isaac’s life unless it was to reprimand him for anything possible. piano lessons were reduced to once a month & then after word reached them that cam went missing in action, the lessons stopped completely. isaac supposes it was his father's way of being bitter — if he couldn't be happy, isaac couldn't be either.

#i. lahey. character study — pragmatic to a fault #queue.

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mystiika · 3 years

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an npc from isaac’s life

isaac never had the chance to meet most of his family. after his mother died, his father closed himself off & took isaac & camden with him. he’d heard there had been efforts made when he was still an infant, but simon was having none of it & the moment the funeral proceedings ended he cut off both his family ( which had nothing but unstable bridges to connect them ) & amelia’s family followed shortly after. simon wanted nothing more than to wallow & not have to listen to lectures from people about his parenting. both sides of the family made several attempts to reach out but eventually had to back off & just hope that isaac & camden would be okay. as a result, all the information isaac ever had about his extended family was through the lens of his older brother but as time went on, there was less camden was able to recall & thus less for isaac to hear about.

it was decades later that he met josie galloway, she had just finished her residency & after moving to new york, was hired by the hospital isaac ended up bringing patients to most frequently. they’d seen each other around, often having isaac pass off the injured to her, filling in all the details he’d gotten on the scene. after a particularly rough call he needed to take a few minutes & stopped by a vending machine to get himself a drink & was joined by josie shortly after. they chatted for a few minutes, mostly small talk but there was something about her story that sounded vaguely familiar & she thought the same of isaac’s. it wasn’t long before they figured out that they were cousins. but the er is never quite for long & so the conversation ended. they made quick plans to meet again ( ideally in a less stressful environment ) to catch up — properly this time.

he’d heard his mother had 2 sisters, & josie was the daughter of the eldest of the three, aged smack in the middle between isaac & camden which is why he’d heard her name at all. camden always said she had been his favourite cousin & it wasn’t hard to see why. it was a bizarre thing to suddenly have family after having only his father & camden for his childhood, & none at all for his entire adult life. it came as such a relief despite all the years the’d missed out on & they became close quite quickly.

josie was horrified to hear about everything he’d been through & while it wasn’t a story he particularly enjoyed telling, he felt it was something he needed to do. this only served to bring them closer & after that, josie started to open up to him with dark secrets of her own & together the two felt a little less alone. josie was also able to help introduce isaac to other parts of the family he’d missed out on. slowly at first since josie alone had been overwhelming enough, but over time isaac was able to get a feel for what a family was supposed to be like, & for that he’d be eternally grateful.

#tried to avoid mentioning the heavy topics by name but i feel like this gives a good guage anyway #these npc blurbs are getting longer and longer i s2g #josie #❘❙❚ ┊ i. lahey. character study ➳ ❛ pragmatic to a fault ❜#❘❙❚ ┊ npcs ➳ ❛ people will come & go‚ but the right ones will always stay ❜

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mystiika · 3 years

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how are you ruined?

isaac — ruined by fear.

you live on the edge of your seat, but it is not a good thing. you’re constantly looking over your shoulder, unsure of what will hurt you next. you have been hurt so much, but you refuse to adapt to your pain. instead, you avoid what you cannot control. you are so afraid of making a mistake, of being brought closer to your doom. but, despite this, you cannot articulate what you fear. you are just afraid. only afraid. & you will be afraid until you are brought to what you fear

tagged by: @beansi ty !! tagging: @shimmerseas , @naivty , @motherwitch , @vaeritate for yan , @collapsecolours for sakura , @conseille , idk, this is interesting so whoever wants to do it just say i tagged u !

#ouch #❘❙❚ ┊ i. lahey. character study ➳ ❛ pragmatic to a fault ❜#❘❙❚ ┊ dash games ➳ ❛ can i get a heck yeah ❜

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mystiika · 3 years

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so a while back on my old blog ( when i had a lot less muses ), i had a post talking about everyone’s favourite muffins & for no reason at all i have decided to make an updated version with the updated muse list !

apollo — those everything morning breakfast muffins ig? he’s not a big bakery items person archie — he’s a double chocolate kinda guy. he’d take triple chocolate if he could asher — strawberry orange or any kind of chocolate chip chris — he doesn’t like to get the same things over & over again but a blueberry muffin is hard to mess up dante — he’d probably go for strawberry if it’s there eiji — sugar donut muffins. it’s barely a muffin but has muffin in the name so he’ll die on that hill eragon — it’s a tie between banana & carrot. every time he’s face with the decision of which one, he caves & gets both bc he can’t handle food choosing related pressures. he eats a ton anyway so nothing goes to waste hades — he’s not much of a pastry person, but he enjoys chocolate from time to time so i feel like anything chocolate would be good as long as it’s not overwhelmingly so hyunshik — he doesn’t like things that are too sweet & prefers more subtle flavours. maybe like a banana muffin? isaac — blueberry for sure! he’s happy with most fruity muffins but blueberry is his top choice jamie — he’s not a huge muffin fan. don’t get me wrong, he likes em, but he doesn’t care too much about what flavour it is as long as it tastes good. he probably eats applesauce the most just because it’s one of hannah’s favourites kaede — being a vampire kaede isn’t big on human food, in an au where she’s still human, i’d wager to say it’s something like apple cinnamon kitae — also apple cinnamon. it’s a flavour combination he loves in any form kyle — he loves pumpkin anything, muffins included minkyung — he likes obscure flavours, he thinks they’re fun. so it’s not something he sees a lot but he likes ginger & pear muffins a lot peter — honey muffins! ( soft n sweet just like him ). he bakes a lot & thus has made many a muffin but honey is his fav bc it’s so simple yet delicious so they’re really easy to whip up phaelyn — another fan of fruity muffins, but actually likes lemon muffins the most. she finds them really refreshing ryan — carrot, no question about it sam — his mother’s favourite is banana chip & he’s not much of a baker himself so that’s what he grew up having. it’s kind of like a default favourite i guess? sebastian — zucchini chocolate chip. it was his mother’s go-to muffin n tastes like home. shin — another fan of chocolate chip. he likes to think he has a sophisticated pallet but leans a lot towards simpler flavours soren — he’ll eat anything tbh. hasn’t tried a single food he hasn’t liked so he can’t pick a favourite anything tu’er shen — he likes tea cake muffins, of any kind really but is partial to black tea vanilla tyrus — coffee cake muffins but those are a specialty thing so his next choice is banana nut

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mystiika · 4 years

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isaac; re scott & derek’s abuse

hey just a reminder that no matter how much derek or scott might have cared about isaac, the truth of the matter is isaac’s relationship with both of them was abusive. they took advantage of isaac’s past ( but whether it was in the mindset that their physical abuse would have a larger impact than verbal scolding or simply because they thought he could handle it due to his previous experience i don’t know ). it’s always a struggle for me to understand how fanon can ship them with isaac during that time without me entirely chalking it up to taking advantage of isaac’s vulnerability & need to be loved, or seeing it as some sort of mild stockholm syndrome. actually i take that back. i think it’s entirely possible for him to get into a romantic or sexual relationship with either of them, but i can’t understand how it can become so romanticised & how i have yet to see someone incorporate any of the canon abuse into said hypothetical relationship. if isaac does something he thinks is wrong, he seeks out physical punishment because it feels like a sort of redemption for his actions. that’s just how he was raised & it’s become almost a subconscious need. before, it was only the major stuff he thought he deserved to be abused for, but now that those larger punishments are gone, isaac looks for small things to fill that void, no matter how much he hates it & how he himself doesn’t realise this subconscious need. now that that’s out of the way, next up is scott.

while i have a hard time understanding scott’s abuse, he’s still only a teenager & isn’t equip to deal with isaac’s ptsd. all he’s doing is treating isaac like anyone else when he does something to hurt isaac without understanding that he can’t do that without further damaging isaac’s mindset. the best example is this scene here. a lot of people seem to find it comical but for me it’s just incredibly sad. isaac has done absolutely nothing wrong. nothing. but he goes to scott, asking if he’s mad, asking if he hates him, asking & then insisting scott hit him thinking that doing so would alleviate some of isaac’s guilt & scott’s anger. he’s seeking out the abuse because he thinks he deserves it for thinking about allison. let that sink in. he hasn’t acted on any feelings, made any advances or kissed her, all he’s done is think & he’s convinced scott hates him for it. but he trusts scott enough not to lie to him, admitting that he wanted to kiss her. & in return, scott sends him flying into a wall. & you know what? isaac doesn’t complain or get mad because he thinks he deserves it & it solidifies the idea that it’s normal for people to abuse him. until then it had only been his father, & the occasional bully at school. but now it comes from someone who’s become one of his closest friends, someone he cares about & trusts & knows cares about him too. so if someone like that abuses him, it has to be normal, right?

derek on the other hand, should have known better. he’s in his mid twenties & same as scott, there’s no guide book on how to handle isaac given his past. but no matter how gruff his exterior might be or how he’s more of a tough love kind of guy, breaking isaac’s arm to prove a point? throwing glass at him? ( which is kind of parallel to isaac’s first appearance on the show where his father throws a vase at his head & said it was isaac’s fault for breaking it, just btw ). that’s not tough love, that is straight up abuse, even if derek had positive reasoning for it.

people love to ignore those moments because they don’t like to think of scott or derek as bad people, & they’re not ! but the fact of the matter is that that’s not tough love, that is straight up abuse.

that being said, i’m not trying to say that there’s no redemption for derek or scott’s actions either. i think it’s entirely possible for them to change & we see some of that happening the longer they’re around isaac, but the relationship isaac has with them is still founded on abuse & that cannot be erased. somewhere in the back of isaac’s mind, is still that belief or need that he needs to be perfect & do everything right or they’ll have to punish him.

& that’s the tea

#❘❙❚ ┊ metas ➳ ❛ the gap between understanding & misunderstanding can best be bridged by thought ❜#❘❙❚ ┊ i. lahey. character study ➳ ❛ pragmatic to a fault ❜

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