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I don't even know what to say anymore...have this fucking thing, I guess????

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Josh: (jumping up & down) Can I play with your phone?

Alex: No.

Josh: Can I play in your car?

Alex: No.

Josh: Can I play with your dog?

Alex: (he frowns) I don't have a dog.

Josh: Oh...well then, can I play with your updog?

Alex: ...Joshua, I do live in the world. I'm not that out of the loop.

Josh: (he sighs and folds his arms, sits down cross-legged on the floor) Well, what can I do then? You have to look after me, you promised Aunt Caroline!

Alex: I'll have you know I did no such thing! Your Aunt Caroline left you here to swan off with her fancy man! I don't know when she'll be back and now she isn't answering any of my phone calls. You are a problem.

Josh: I'm bored!

Alex: Read a book.

Josh: I'm hungry!

Alex: Are you hungry, Joshua, or are you just looking for attention?

Josh: No, I'm really hungry, I swear! I haven't eaten since, like, Tuesday!

Alex: Well, that's a fucking lie, isn't it????

Josh: (he gasps) You can't say words like that! Besides, you don't know if I'm lying! If you don't get me some food right now, I'll tell my Aunt Caroline that you practically starved me! I'm only ten! I can't use an oven by myself!

Alex: (he frowns) What do you even eat? I've only ever seen you eat chocolate!

Josh: (he shrugs) I dunno.

Alex: You don't know what you like to eat?

Josh: I dunno! (he shakes his head)

Alex: ...Joshua, I'm going to ask you one last time or I really am going to starve you. What do you want to eat?

Josh: (he thinks and taps his chin) Hmmm...do you have any baked beans?

Alex: I do not. Also, who the fuck eats baked beans?

Josh: (he frowns and points at him) You said it again! I'm telling Aunt Caroline!

Alex: You do that. Anything else?

Josh: Hmmm... (he thinks again) ...Do you have any Sauvignon Blanc?

Alex: ...That's wine.

Josh: Yeah, I know!

Alex: You want wine for dinner?

Josh: Mm-hm! (he nods decidedly)

Alex: You're ten years old.

Josh: My Mum lets me drink it at home!

Alex: No, she doesn't.

Josh: (he sighs) FINE, THEN! Can we go out to eat?

Alex: Depends, you're not going to ask for something nasty, are you?

Josh: (he grins and jumps up) McDonald's!!

Alex: Oh, Christ, your Mother really does neglect you, doesn't she?

Josh: (he keeps jumping up & down) McDonald's, McDonald's, McDonald's, McDonald's!!!

Alex: If I get you McDonald's, will you shut up for five minutes?

Josh: Yes.

Alex: Do you promise?

Josh: Yes!

Alex: Well, tough luck, you're still not getting it.

Josh: HEY! (he throws a Pokemon card at him like a ninja star)

Alex: (he catches it) What's this? (he turns the card over) ...Weedle. Of course. Of course, it's Weedle.

Josh: GIVE ME BACK MY WEEDLE!

Alex: Or what? (he reaches up to put it on top of a very high cupboard)

Josh: Or...or I'll scream!

Alex: These walls are soundproof, Joshua. I could skin you alive and nobody would hear you scream.

Josh: (he frowns) No, they're not!

Alex: Would you like to test that theory?

Josh: No... (he frowns) I'm STILL hungry!

Alex: Right, get your coat. I'll take you to McDonald's but I'm not going in.

Josh: No, you HAVE to come in with me!

Alex: And why, pray tell, is that?

Josh: Because I have to use the toilet and you can't let me go in alone, I'm a child!

Alex: (he frowns) What the fuck are you talking about? We haven't left yet, use the loo here!

Josh: Yeah, but I always use the toilet when I go to McDonald's! It's tradition!

Alex: ...Traditio - alright, listen here, you little shit! (he bends down to his level) You are not going to use the toilet at McDonald's, you are going to use the toilet here, then I am going to take you to McDonald's, and you will quietly eat your food while I wait for you in the car.

Josh: Uh huh, and then what?

Alex: What do you mean "and then what"?

Josh: Well, what are we going to do afterwards?

Alex: We are coming straight back here and then your Aunt Caroline is going to pick you up.

Josh: No, she isn't! She said!

Alex: She said what?

Josh: She said she isn't coming back 'til Tuesday morning! She's gone away to the seaside with my Mum, my Dad, and her new boyfriend!

Alex: ...What?

Josh: She didn't want me to tell you until she was gone! All my stuff is already upstairs.

Alex: (staring off into space) .....................................................Tuesday is in four days time.

Josh: Yup! (he grins) Can we go McDonald's now? Oh, also, my Dad wanted me to give you this! (he hands him a small piece of card with some numbers written on it)

Alex: What's it for, what are these the numbers to?

Josh: No idea! (he bounces) Two Big Macs, a Large Fries, Two portions of Chicken McNuggets and a Medium Fanta Orange! Since you won't let me go to the toilet at McDonald's, we could order it for delivery here instead!?

Alex: Oh my God. I don't think I can do this. Four days...four days of this....!

Josh: What's that? (he points to Headless Betty)

Alex: (tapping on his phone to order Josh's food) That's Headless Betty. She's very precious to me, so you aren't to touch her.

Josh: What happened to her head?

Alex: Somebody cut it off. Why the Hell am I being asked to sign up for "McRewards"? The only reward you'll ever get from eating this horseshit is the hard-learned lesson to never eat it again!

Josh: Can I have an Apple Pie as well?

Alex: Are you actually going to eat all of this?

Josh: I dunno. (he shrugs) Sometimes it makes my tummy hurt and then I get sick. Reaaaaaaaaaally sick, all over my Mum's carpet!

Alex: (he stares at him, unimpressed)

Josh: ...Okay, fine, I'll just have the Chicken McNugget meal.

Alex: Right, order's in. Can you be trusted to be left alone for a few minutes while I make some tea?

Josh: I dunno.

Alex: You don't know a lot, do you, boy...?

Josh: WAIT! If you leave me alone, what if Headless Betty starts crying because she doesn't have a head?

Alex: She won't.

Josh: (he points) Well, what if that ugly old gross stuffed cat comes back to life and bites me?

Alex: ...............What did you just say to me?

Josh: It's so old and weird-looking! Why do you even have that?

Alex: Don't insult my cat again or I'll flush your McDonald's down the toilet, do you hear me? JOSHUA! I said, do you hear me?

Josh: Well, wouldn't that be bad for the pipes...? (the doorbell rings and he jumps up) OOH! FOOD'S HERE!!! (he runs to the door and swings it open)

Caroline: (soaking wet, standing at the door) Joshie...!! I had such a terrible argument with Henry! Can you believe he said I was overdramatic?! Well, I showed him!! I poured my margherita into his petrol tank and left! I'm sure he'll have fun shelling out for that!

Alex: CAROLINE! OH, THANK GOD! I'VE NEVER BEEN SO HAPPY TO SEE YOU!

Caroline: (she frowns for a second and then chuckles) That's...nice? I think? I thought you were going to kill me for leaving Joshie here unannounced.

Alex: I was! But now I don't care! I don't care anymore because you're back! You're back and now I don't have to deal with him anymore!

Josh: HEY, I've been really well-behaved today, actually!

Caroline: (she smiles) Awww, have you? (she ruffles his hair) What a good boy, being so good for his Uncle Alex!

Alex: Do not call me that.

Caroline: Being so good for his... (she squints apprehensively) Buddy?

Alex: He is not my buddy. Also, who the Hell says "buddy"?

Josh: Aunt Caroline, Aunt Caroline!! I have to tell you something, it's really important!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Caroline: Oh, what is it, Joshie Darling?

Josh: Alexsander stole my Weedle!

Caroline: What's a Weedle...?

Alex: Here. (he retrieves it and tosses it back to Josh) I was going to take it hostage if you refused to go to sleep tonight.

Josh: Weedle!!!!!! (he hugs the card close to his chest) OH! Aunt Caroline, I gave Alexsander that number from my Dad!

Caroline: Oh, there's a good boy, Joshie! (she turns to Alex) Did you call them then?

Alex: Call who?!

Caroline: The number, silly! For the mechanic!

Alex: What mechanic?! I don't need a mechanic!

Caroline: Ohhhhhh, he didn't tell you, then?

Alex: ........Tell me what?

Josh: I poured Pepsi into the petrol tank.

Alex: WHY?

Josh: I dunno. (he shugs)

Caroline: It's a good one! It really works!

Alex: ... (he physically drags Caroline and Josh outside the front door and slams it shut) AND STAY OUT!

The McDonald's Delivery Driver: ...Umm...order for number seven...?

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I've said it before, Alexsander only really properly laughs at somebody else's expense, and I feel that this TikTok video would absolutely send him, because what the fuck do these young modern boys honestly think they look & sound like??? Where is the so-called "rizz" their generation is so obsessed with???

If he was feeling especially not-so-depressed or perhaps even a tiny bit tipsy, he might stitch the video like that guy did lmao (and then get into trouble for making fun of children online, but he gives exactly 0 shits and would do it again with bells on)

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I can't stop laughing at the idea of Alex drunkenly ordering this obscene amount of sugar at a restaurant and then refusing to share any of it with anybody else at the table

He'd fuckin finish it too lmao

#Gary: (reaches for some candy) Can I have so- #Alex: (slaps his hand away) No fuck you

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Ashton: (laying on Alex, watching tv, some kind of serial killer documentary) ...Babe? (she sits up to look at him)

Alex: Hm...?

Ashton: Do you think I'd look good dead?

Alex: ...... (he turns slowly towards her) ....What?

Ashton: Well, if you were a serial killer -- I mean, one who just goes around killing random women for fun. Would you think I was pretty enough to kill?

Alex: (looking perplexed) ..............................Can I phone a friend?

Ashton: BABE! (she laughs)

Alex: This has got to be the strangest question you've ever asked me...! I mean, what is even the correct answer to that?!

Ashton: What do you mean?

Alex: Well, if I say that you're not pretty enough to kill, then I'm calling you unattractive! If I say that I would kill you, then I'm...well, worse!

Ashton: ...Yeah, I hadn't really thought of it like that. You're right. (she shrugs and lays back across him) Oh well!

Alex: ....................................................................I feel as if you want me to say something but I don't know what it is.

Ashton: (she smiles quietly and continues to watch the tv) .........Would you cut up my body and keep it in the freezer? (she twirls her hair)

Alex: (he frowns) Are you trying to be flirtatious????

Ashton: (she rolls her eyes) You're just getting that now?

Alex: Well, I'm very sorry to break it to you, Ashton, but I have never fantasised about murdering you. I'm not sure why I'm sorry to break that to you, in all honesty...

Ashton: Ugh! (she throws her arms up) Don't ever tell me I don't try to be romantic!!!!!!

Alex: I......what kind of romance was that?!?

Ashton: Shh. I can't hear the documentary! (she lays back down)

Alex: (he puts his head in his hand, questioning reality)

Ashton: ...... (she giggles and sits up again) You're so easy to mess with, you know that?

Alex: OH, ASHTON, I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART!!!!!!!!

Ashton: (she grins) I know! I hate you too, babe! (she kisses his cheek) Pour me some more wine, would you?

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Muse Bravery Checklist: Alexsander Lovecraft Repost and fill out the form all about what your muse would/wouldn’t be brave enough to do. Then tag any friends you’d like to see do it as well! Note that some of these aren’t smart things to do but in this case, bravery and risk are both included.

Tagged By: @hunting-songs Tagging: All you bitches <3

My muse would … [x] Spend the night in a haunted building (He lives in one lmao) [x] Go into a burning/collapsing building to save someone (If it's a woman or child, then yeah, probably) [x] Take a shortcut through a dark alleyway [x] Stay calm with a weapon pointed at them [x] Be confident defending themselves from an attack [x] Touch a dangerous exotic animal (Soup the maybe alligator isn't just an exception <3 He IS the dangerous exotic animal in most cases tbf) [x] Take someone else’s punishment to protect them (Only if he cares lmao) [x] Travel to an unknown place by themselves [x] Spend a night in the woods alone [ ] Witness (or join) a séance (I don't think he has enough reason to do that? I'm not saying he wouldn't if he had the right motive though) [x] Play a scary video game in the dark alone (He does this for fun) [ ] Explore a pitch black catacomb with only one light (He would definitely think of this as just a very stupid move to make for no good reason lmao he wouldn't do this for just anybody) [x] Contact the spirit of someone they once knew [x] Spend the night in a cemetery [x] Sit in a room with one hundred creepy dolls (Literally just his house) [x] Hang their feet over the edge of a tall building [ ] Swim in dark, murky waters without being able to touch the bottom (Again, that's just stupid to do without a valid reason) [x] Be covered in spiders, snakes, or other insects [x] Go looking for the source of a mysterious sound late at night (Also arguably stupid thing to do but he's more likely to do this than the other things because he can usually defend himself pretty well) [ ] Spend an hour sealed up in a coffin (Trauma </3 NOPE) [ ] Go sailing miles from shore without any communication (Another arguably dumb thing to do without a necessary purpose) [/] Use a Ouija board (^^, but could be convinced) [ ] Go diving in a dark, underwater cave (What for?) [ ] Climb through a long tunnel just big enough to fit through (He's been known to be creatively suicidal but not this creatively suicidal LMAO suffocating to death over a long period of time doesn't sound like a great way to go out) [x] Explore a spot where cult rituals were performed [x] Go walking late at night, alone (Common activity for him) [x] Spend the night in a home where someone was murdered (Again, he lives there <3) [ ] Go surfing on the Dark Web (Too paranoid!!!) [x] Play an urban legend game (bloody mary, the midnight man, etc…) (Most of them are bollocks but I like the idea of him being able to summon certain people he once knew in this way if he wants to) [x] Stay home alone with a suspected killer on the loose (What else is he going to do about it? Call Caroline???) [x] Climb a dangerous mountain where many others have died on their way to the top (Mountains are his preferred place to chill) [x] Explore ancient ruins where strange things have happened [x] Touch a supposedly cursed object (His curse probably cancels out most other curses tbh) [x] Check out a creepy cellar or attic [/] Cross an unstable bridge over a huge drop (I mean, he could just use his wings, so? Maybe? If he was with people he could do that around?) [ ] Pick up a hitchhiker in the middle of the night

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{To the person who sent the anon to my main blog saying that you keep blocking me on all my accounts but I keep following you, I deleted your anon on impulse because I at first interpreted it as OOC drama, but I actually do want to address it now that I've had my coffee, lmao.

I literally do not know who you are because I'm gonna admit that I do tend to just follow anyone's blog who looks even slightly neat, at the click of a button. On Alex's main blog alone, I follow almost 2k people. I honestly don't keep following you on purpose, I promise. I seriously don't know who you are, I'm just "follow happy" because I honestly find that it's a great way to find interactions. But if you wanna give me your url, I can make sure I block you every time I make a new blog, if that would help resolve the issue?

I'm not gonna get into all that OOC stuff on the main blog because I prefer to keep it for purely Alex related stuff, whereas on some of my less favourite blogs, I don't mind posting the occasional OOC post. So I'm just posting this all here for future reference because I'm pretty sure (since I don't know your url) that I'll accidentally follow you from another one of my new blogs in the future without realising, and I can link you to this post to explain myself there when that happens. I even occasionally accidentally follow my ex's blogs in the "open rp" tag because I didn't look at them properly before following, and then I'm like...ah, shit. And then I end up blocking him, lmao. Hope that reassures you that I'm not just, like, deliberately harassing you.

Anyway - not sure who you are or what I've done to give you the ick, but I understand that you don't want me to keep following you so I'd be more than happy to do the blocky block on all of my blogs to make you more comfortable!}

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Oh, bloody Hell, someone else remembered! He thought he'd gotten away with it rather lightly this year. ❝Thank you, thank you, and all that shit...❞

He should probably put down the brandy.

@brooklynislandgirl (I'm so sorry, I'm far too tired to come up with anything that isn't a shitpost right now klfkldgflkgf <3)

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Carrying on from that last tag, I think Caroline is probably at a constant loss as to how Alex actually does clean his house bc she never sees him lift a finger and yet he certainly doesn't have a housemaid, but his home is always pretty well maintained for its size

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I still think it's really funny that Alex, a world renowned musician, is a secret fan of the cringiest kind of k-pop

Archie: I was making fun of my friend for liking Stray Kids but then my dad overheard and joined in except he was on my friend's side and then they spent two hours discussing albums while I just sat and listened in a clueless daze

Caroline: I don't know who that's more embarrassing for, you or your dad. Also, he's never making fun of me for listening to Taylor Swift ever again!!!!!! What the hell!!!!!!

#It could be worse he could be an unironic JoJo Siwa fan (me it's me I'm the unironic jojo siwa fan) #Tbh he probably just listens to it while he cleans the house LMAO (which is made a lot easier with his magic bc his house is fucking huge)

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@multi-lefaiye said: OHOHO??? MORE ALEX LORE???? also. "alex broke his fuckin bones in return" good for him tbh

Y'KNOW WHAT, FRIEND??? THAT'S ALL THE ENCOURAGEMENT I NEED TO POST MORE ROB & ALEX LORE TOMORROW!!! <3

#Also fun fact it's also Alex's 200th birthday tomorrow! :D

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Tbh it's reasonable that this guy broke Alex's heart because look at him, he's beautiful

Pretty sure I've only mentioned him as an npc like twice, ever

But anyway this is Robert, he's jealous, a prolific liar & he's singlehandedly responsible for the death of Headless Betty, that's all the information you're getting right now <3

#I say he broke Alex's heart #But Alex broke his fuckin bones in return #So I guess they'd be even #But Rob was a human so...he'd be pretty dead by now anyways lmao

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I think the funniest thing about Gary (Caroline's brother-in-law, married to Sophie, Caroline's sister) secretly wanting to be platonic bffs with Alex is not just the fact itself but the ways in which he tries to execute it, poorly and unsuccessfully

Completely useless shit like sending Alex an email invite to a library coffee morning (which he never even opens because firstly why the fuck would he open an email from Gary, and secondly where in the hell did he get his email address)

Buying VIP tickets to one of Alex's concerts just to stand there in the front row dedicatedly miming all the words with a deadpan expression while holding up a sign that says "Alexsander for president" (they live in the UK where presidents aren't a thing)

Sending him a "Happy Palentine's Day" card on Valentine's Day and signing it from "Gary Gardens xoxo" and then writing "No homo" directly underneath the crossed out x's and o's, followed up by a smiley face with a moustache and a lopsided thumbs up

Silently offering him a ticket to an Avril Lavigne concert inside the men's bathroom at a fancy restaurant in the middle of a dinner comprised of Gary, Alex, Caroline, Sophie, and Ashton (he takes it and then gives it to Caroline at the table, directly in front of Gary, who frankly is emotionally wounded by this move)

Washing Alex's car for him while he talks to Caroline and Sophie inside his house, because that's a nice thing for a friend to do to help out their favourite buddy <3 (Alex finds it so bizarre and a little bit insulting as if Gary was trying to insinuate that his car was dirty, so he throws his tea over him, mug included)

Sending him TikToks, like, 24/7 (Alex never even notices because he doesn't check his TikTok notifications since he accumulates so many)

Noticing that Alex never drinks the tea that Sophie makes for him, so he makes him one himself and reassures him that it's "definitely not poisoned" (This concerns Alex, because why would he say that specifically, unless it was poisoned. IS GARY IN CAHOOTS WITH SOPHIE????)

Vehemently defending Alex on public forums and referring to him as his "close family friend" without his knowledge or consent

Worrying about Alex's cholesterol for him and encouraging him to increase his intake of whey protein (Alex thinks he's trying to sell him something and tells him to fuck off)

Making sure he's reminded to drink plenty of water on hot days, and handing him cool damp towels (Despite Alex having rejected them, like, five times already)

I love Gary <3 <3 <3 One of my favourite barely-talked-about NPCs

Also he dislikes his wife and wishes that he never even married Sophie. Maybe a little bit of a crush on Caroline?

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Repost and Bold What Your Muse Can Do!

( italics for what they could do, but are not good at doing. )

swim   /   scubadive   /   read and write   /   do calligraphy   /   ride a bike   /   ride a unicycle   /   ride a motorcycle   /   drive   /   draw   /   sing   /   play an instrument   /   maintain a rhythm   /   converse in a language   /   converse in more than two languages   /   converse in more than four languages   /   do basic maths   /   do algebra   /   understand structural formulas   /   read a floorplan   /   assemble ikea   /   build a working piece of furniture   /   build a house   /   sew a button   /   customise clothes   /   make clothes   /   bind a book   /   use a vacuum   /   clean windows without leaving streaks   /   boil water   /   make pasta   /   remove the pit of an avocado   /   cut bell peppers   /   cook   /   bake   /   basic first aid   /   cpr   /   close a bullet wound   /   fire a gun   /   load a gun   /   shuffle a deck of cards   /   shuffle a deck of cards one-handed   /   play or read tarot   /   use matches   /   use a lighter   /   make a fire without either   /   code   /   start a computer   /   hack   /  steal a car without keys   /   pick a lock   /   kick down a door   /   throw a punch   /   put an opponent smaller than them into a chokehold   /   put an opponent larger than them into a chokehold   /   intentionally break a bone   /   make a cast   /   chop down a tree   /   put up a tent   /   make a knot   /   create a shelter without tools or brought materials    /   make a cocktail   /   cut a line of cocaine   /   change a diaper   /   recite a nursery rhyme from memory   /   recite an important religious code from memory   /   recite the table of elements from memory   /   recite all pokemon in the pokemon song from memory   /   recite a 10-digit code 24 hours later after only reading hearing it once   /   tell a person’s zodiac sign   /   tell a person’s age   /   play football   /   play basketball   /   play another ball sport   /   iceskate   /   use an audio recording device   /   use a camera   /   tattoo   /   do a piercing

Tagged by: @hunting-songs <3

Tagging: @troublewithvampires @the-expatriate @brooklynislandgirl

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I just made the hilarious realisation that a bunch of people who only ever talk to Alex at parties probably think he's just a massive alcoholic because he tends to drink in order to get through large gatherings

LMAO one of these days someone's gonna ask Caroline if he's okay within earshot of Alex and he's gonna be like "what are you TALKING ABOUT, this is the first time I've been drunk in months, what do you MEAN I drink too much???"