sunnyratto

[sunnyratto]

lost phineas and ferb episode where perry is called to investigate what dr doofenshmirtz is up to because carl the intern got ahold of some intel that doof has been seen speaking to lawyers and looking up the endangered species act at internet cafes and as major monogram says, "something fishy is going on"

meanwhile phineas and ferb's subplot of "i know what we're gonna do today!" is that isabella needs her environmentalist fireside girls badge so they start researching which species are in urgent need of help in the tri-state area so that they can use new cloning and gene therapy technologies to bring at-risk animals back from extinction

(yes there is a c-plot where buford and baljeet argue the ethics of this idea, i don't have time to explain it all for you rn)

we cut back to🎵doofenshmirtz evil incorporated🎵where we see perry carefully maneuvering around doofenshmirtz's lab scared he might fall into a trap but he hasn't set off a single booby trap and it's clear something is off

he runs into doofenshmirtz and goes to kick him in the gut action movie style but doof steps back one overly confident and says, "nuh uh uh, you see perry the platypus, you are TRAPPED! by the danville section of the endangered species act of 1973!"

doof goes on to explain his tragic backstory: "you see, perry the platypus, when i was a child my parents did not show up for my own birth! but you know that already, yadda yadda yadda they did not love me and then they loved roger more, ANYways i was raised by ocelots! i had a lovely foster mother who took me in and made me one of the pride, and so you see, perry the platypus, i am still legally considered an ocelot. did you know that there are only 50 recorded ocelots still alive in the continental united states? very sad for me as a member of a near-extinct species. it would be immoral for you to hurt someone critically endangered... in fact, you have made many attempts on my life this summer"

[montage of doof's security camera footage of their battles]

"which is why i have decided to bring you... TO COURT!" we cut back to phineas and ferb's back yard where they've decided to start cloning ocelots in their kiddie pool

candace storms outside enraged and says, "phineas and ferb are you cloning ocelots in my duckie momo kiddie pool!?"

ferb's one line of the episode is "well, i guess it's more of a kitty pool, now"

candace storms away saying, "i'm going to tell mom!" and isabella turns to phineas and says, "oh, does your mom have experience in wildlife conservation?"

we cut back to the doof and perry plotline where the two are now in the danville hall of justice and we learn that doof has spent his monthly alimony check on a defense lawyer and perry turns and sees the lawyer and then vanessa helping her organize her briefcase and perry chitters at her and vanessa shrugs and says, "i'm thinking about going into legal defense. sorry perry."

the rest of the doof and perry b-plot is spent in court and perry is about to ask for a public defense lawyer when carl runs into the room and explains that he's owca's official legal defense and perry looks at him like, "uhhh is that even allowed?"

it doesn't matter because apparently the judge is out sick today but because it's danville roger's the judge now because he's the mayor and everyone loves him.

the court case continues.

meanwhile phineas and ferb have successfully cloned multiple ocelots from the original ocelot dna they had on hand and isabella asks phineas if these clones will experience health problems like premature aging, phineas casually explains that ferb figured out the problem while they were experimenting with stem cell harvesting.

back in the courtroom, doof's ocelot foster mother has been brought to the stand along with an ocelot to english translator. doof gets emotional seeing her after so long. she says that he was one of her favorite child and he was as strong a hunter as anyone else in the family. it's incredibly sweet. the jury's in tears.

meanwhile, isabella has established connections with a group in texas who are going to release the ocelots back into their natural habitat and, using the cloned ocelots to prevent inbreeding, help establish an ocelot breeding program. the group explains that they are going to send a helicopter to retrieve the cloned ocelots from danville and bring them to texas soon.

isabella gets her fireside girls badge.

candace manages to get mom to see the backyard only after the ocelots have been helicoptered off to coastal texas, their primary habitat.

mom makes it into the backyard as phineas stares wistfully over the fence and says, "if you love something, you have to let it go." candace goes, "look mom look look look!" and points at the ducky momo kiddie pool, devoid of cloned ocelots, where baljeet and buford are now chilling out, having settled their philosophical debate about the ethics of animal cloning.

back in the courtroom drama, doof looks like he's about to win when an attendant walks into the courtroom and whispers something in roger's ear.

roger looks up, grinning, and says, "good news, everyone! my attendant here has just enlightened me that ocelots are no longer considered critically endangered!"

this settles the case, with perry being decreed not guilty and the entire affair being called off. the courtroom cheers, roger walks over to doof and personally congratulates him on his species' return from the brink of extinction.

doof shouts, "curse you endangered species classification system!" at the ceiling of the danville hall of justice.

perry arrives back home just in time for mom to say, "who wants pie?"

the end.

[sunnyratto]

hello! may i request a kagami doodle pls? (a kagoodle)

i truly never get better at drawing the kwamis

[sunnyratto]

What if during sometime in Twilight, Bella started morphing into a fly, like the doctor in the movie Fly?

... no particular reason, she just does, huh?

Woof.

For the sake of my sanity, we're placing this at the end of Twilight, Bella and Edward are a happy item and James is safely out of the picture.

Bella notices she has weird hairs growing out of her back, but she thinks nothing of it. It's just puberty being mortifying again.

Edward doesn't think anything of it either, Bella's just being delightfully human again.

And so what if she likes sugar a lot more now, the Cullens realise it's a bit much for her to dump eight sugar cubes into her tea but what do they know, Bella's the human with taste buds here. Edward also has to marvel at Bella doing laps up and down the stairs before she sleeps every night, but hey, it's great that she's being more sporty.

Her scent isn't as tantalizing as it's supposed to be, but Edward figures she must have caught some bug and will soon be back to normal.

I don't think anyone would realize anything was amiss until she starts getting aggressive, snapping at them over insignificant things and having a noticeably shorter temper.

Then there's the sex drive.

At first, she propositions Edward. He says no, and she... doesn't respect that.

He ends up having to leave, because Bella's getting angry and this is all very uncomfortable.

So she gives Mike Newton a call.

Edward... I imagine is at first heartbroken, then, not wanting to lose her, talks himself into forgiving her and becoming an even better boyfriend, because his other alternative is to dump her and then she won't be in his life anymore.

"Great," Bella says, "then we should have sex."

Edward, at this point, is reeling and the fact that Alice is having trouble seeing Bella isn't making it better. Nor is Bella's sudden, inexplicable strength.

Bella, at this point, begins losing her fingernails, and abruptly her confidence and great feeling about herself plummets as she realizes something is very wrong.

Edward, at this point, brings her to Carlisle for him to diagnose.

Carlisle's got nothing.

Over the coming few weeks, Bella continues to deteriorate, until they're at a point where she's vomiting digestive enzymes onto her food and climbing on walls.

Carlisle, seeing Bella's misery, makes her an offer he rarely resorts to. One prick of a needle, and her slow death won't be so slow.

Bella, too miserable and broken to even think about continuing, accepts, only to have Edward intervene.

He knows he can't live without her.

And there's one thing they haven't tried.

Would Edward have preferred she live and die a human, yes, but there is nothing human about this. And if venom can't fix her, nothing can.

Unfortunately, Bella isn't human anymore and all the venom does is give her a death even more painful than the one she was already slated for.

Bella dies in horrible agony.

[sunnyratto]

happy lesbian visibility day!

[sunnyratto]

i love your metas! I just discovered them today and have spent all afternoon reading them. I have two part ask, if that's okay. Firstly, do you think a sensible version of bella could survive if she recognised early on that keeping on Edward's good side was her only survival option? and secondly, on the flip side, just how unhinged do you think bella could be before edward rejected her?

Ooh, both interesting questions, anon. Let's do this.

Sane Bella and the Yandere Simulator

Last time, on The Carnivorous Muffin's ridiculous blog, we covered what would happen to a sensible Bella who realizes the Cullens are not fluffy bunnies she should take home.

The long and short, Edward eats her.

Edward's romantic interest in Bella, the thing that has him fighting his own baser nature to keep her alive, is dependent on a few things.

One of those is Bella's interest in turn.

In time, if Bella truly was not interested in him, he would eat her. Alice tells us there's only two paths for Bella: death or vampire. Leaving her and walking away is never a true option for Edward.

So, Sane Bella loses Yandere Simulator because she doesn't realize the key aspect of Yandere Simulator: You Never Say No to Yandere.

However, you point out something interesting here, that this is a sensible Bella.

Sensible people do not immediately think they're playing Yandere Simulator. You don't run across people like Edward often, there aren't many of him, and while there are red flags early in Twilight Edward did a pretty good job of making them not particularly visible.

By the time we hit Eclipse he's pretty much thrown pretending to be nice and sane out the window. Luckily for Bella, that doesn't appear to bother her as much as it should.

Bella thinking "if I don't play along with this inhuman whack job he'll eat me", is paranoid lunacy. It is not the first conclusion a reasonable person would jump to.

That it happens to be the right conclusion is irrelevant.

But alright, I'll play ball.

Paranoid Bella and the Yandere Simulator

Bella is utterly paranoid and wearing her tin foil hat when she enters Forks. She remembers Biology very well and when Edward comes back and pretends to be nice she gives him a strained smile and thinks, "This motherfucker will eat me the moment my back is turned."

Bella considers travelling back to Florida, but that would be leading Edward to her mother, more it would be very easy to find Bella if he truly wished to.

Florida isn't an option.

Bella tries to keep her distance from Edward, hard when he sits next to her in Biology, but he seems willing to ignore her. Bella calms down a little, maybe this will work out.

Bella is nearly crushed by a van, desperately pretends she definitely did not see Edward fold that van like a pretzel. Nope, no siree Bob, Bella is concussed! She then stays awake all night in terror and OH GOD HE'S CLIMBING THROUGH HER WINDOW! HE'S GOING TO EAT HER IN THE DEAD OF NIGHT! HE KNOWS THAT SHE KNOWS!

Bella pretends to sleep, horrified, and Edward stays there all night. Staring.

(Edward, meanwhile, is realizing he's in love.)

Bella enters school a nervous wreck, waiting for that fateful Biology class and... Edward is studiously ignoring her. He doesn't even say hello.

Bella would be relieved, except he keeps sneaking into her bedroom at night, staring. Bella gets no sleep for weeks.

Then the blood testing happens and suddenly Edward is talking to her. He tells her they shouldn't be friends and he doesn't want to be friends, GREAT, EDWARD, THAT'S GREAT. But then it's very clear that he's after something, and Bella's spidey senses are tingling.

Edward doesn't want to be friends.

Oh, oh shit.

Suddenly, Edward sneaking into her room at night takes on a whole, new, sinister twist. First he'll rape her, then he'll eat her (or who knows, maybe vice versa, Bella certainly doesn't want to find out).

Bella is driven home by Edward (he insists) and enters the house to wheeze into a paper bag.

She thinks over her options.

Edward can crush cars, Bella trips over asphalt. Even if she wasn't Bella, there's no way she could outfight him even if she wanted to.

Edward was very concerned when he suspected that she knew, he likely still suspects and Bella's not a very good liar. Bella doesn't want to find out what happens to her if Edward realizes she really does know.

Edward appears to have a romantic interest in her. Does Bella really have the option of saying no?

Bella, still wheezing in her bag, comes to what seems like an inevitable decision. She must humor Edward at all costs. For the sake of her family, of her own life, she must play into his romantic overtures. Bella can't act but now, her life depends on it.

Well, Bella still can't act, but luckily for her Edward doesn't care.

Edward just thinks Bella's very jumpy, a little nervous and shy, and just plain weird (given he thinks Bella's just plain weird in canon this is not too far from normal events).

So Bella gets to live in terror for things like the meadow, where Edward talks about how easy it would be to eat her, how he contemplated murdering Biology in cold blood to eat her in the most efficient manner, how he loathed her for daring to smell delicious, how Alice warned him there was a good chance of him eating Bella in the meadow today, all while pressing his cheek against her hammering heartbeat.

"AH HA HA HA HA, EDWARD, YOU'RE SO CHARMING."

Edward invites Bella to the house. These creepy, man eating, people all meet her with smiles. Edward has composed her a lullaby. One of them, Alice, tells Bella they're going to be best friends.

"AH HA HA HA HA, EDWARD YOUR FAMILY IS SO NICE."

In other words, somehow, all of Twilight still happens because Bella is terrified of saying no.

At least, until Volterra. Given Bella's being hunted by Victoria, even had Bella not gone cliff diving eventually Alice would see her eaten and then black out as the wolves chased off Victoria instead.

Bella spends New Moon having a great time. Mostly. The Cullens are finally gone, she's free, she spends weeks on edge thinking they might come back.

Just when she starts to relax, fucking Laurent shows up and learns Victoria's trying to kill her. Because of Edward, because of course, it's always about Edward. WHY ARE VAMPIRES ALWAYS TRYING TO KILL HER?!

Regardless, Alice shows up and goes, "Bella, my god, you're alive!" And Bella dies inside. Alice Cullen is back. Oh no.

Bella pretends she's thrilled to see her. Alice, her best friend, her favorite demon. Hurray. Alice fills Bella in on the New Moon scoop, Bella pretends to be very invested. Then Alice gets the vision.

Edward has decided to commit suicide via the Volturi.

Bella has no problem with this, unfortunately, she realizes that Alice clearly has a problem with this. Alice fully expects Bella to run off to Italy to save Fucking Edward.

Once again, Bella isn't sure she's allowed to say no.

Bella runs to Italy, finds herself saving Edward's life, and then she's brought before the Volturi where she might very well be executed because Edward Cullen happened to involve her in this mess.

BELLA NEVER WANTED TO BE HERE.

Bella snaps. She's crying, she just can't take it anymore, and she finally loses her shit at Edward. SHE NEVER LOVED HIM! HE IS SCARY AND WON'T LEAVE HER ALONE! IF THEY'RE GOING TO KILL HER JUST DO IT NOW BECAUSE SHE CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE.

Aro watches Bella's mental breakdown in utter amazement. Naturally, while Marcus suspected something was funky with those two, Aro did not see this coming from Edward's perspective.

Aro offers Bella her out, it is unfortunately death or vampire, but vampire is very much an option and Aro will offer Bella sanctuary in the Volturi.

Bella takes that offer and runs with it.

Edward is devastated and blindsided.

Somehow, neither he nor Alice saw this one coming.

But to answer your question: Paranoid Bella survives Yandere Simulator By Defecting to the Volturi

How Unhinged Does Bella Have to Be For Edward to Dump Her?

He won't.

Remember, Edward in canon thinks there's something legitimately wrong with Bella. She doesn't think like normal people, she always makes the least rational choice, and he can't hear her thoughts.

Edward doesn't think Bella's gifted just that she's... different. (Bella, hilariously, immediately picks up that Edward's calling her a freak. Edward backtracks hard on that one.)

Bella's decisions also become increasingly ridiculous as the series goes on.

She stabs herself in the middle of a battle, she insists on having sex with him while human, she consorts with shapeshifters (to Edward this is lunacy), she picked up motorcycle riding, she threw herself off a cliff, she ran from his sweet protection to the reservation, she believes he doesn't love her, and she doesn't want to get married.

I imagine Edward thinks there isn't anywhere left for Bella to go. She's left the planet, unhinged is her middle name.

But none of that matters.

I already linked the Edward/Bella post I always link near the top so I'll just recap. For Edward, it's all about the blood, the silence, and the projection.

An unhinged Bella is still a delicious and silent Bella. He can still pretend she's Carlisle.

Even if Bella became addicted to cocaine, and ruined that sweet scent, it wouldn't tarnish her memory. He'd nurse her back to health, then eat her so she never relapses.

That's the trouble with Edward/Bella, it's not about Bella, not at all. You could replace her with sweet smelling cardboard and Edward would not notice a difference.

[sunnyratto]

What if Edward got turned into a magical talking vampire cat right before he was about to have sex with Bella? (I think it's safe to assume the honeymoon is ruined)

The time Edward turned into a talking dog before New Moon. The time Edward was a vampire cat.

And once again, anons, I have to wonder if you're the South Park Family Guy writing staff comprised of manatees selecting nouns at random to create these asks.

But alright, I'm intrigued, let's do it.

Honeymoon on Isle Esme

It's the big night. Bella and Edward flew to Rio, took a boat to Isle Esme, and they're about to do it. Bella walks down to the ocean where Edward is waiting for her, they're about to bang romantically in salt water.

Then, because anon is cruel, right as Bella steps naked into the water Edward turns into a fucking cat. Because he's a vampire cat, he does not drown, though I imagine it takes him a while to get to shore as he's suffering from "sudden cat syndrome".

Bella is just standing there, having no idea what happened, thinking she must be dreaming because Edward just vanished.

Edward, not realizing he's a cat as he hasn't looked at his reflection yet, knows something is wrong but thinks he's shrunk and become somehow mutilated.

His limbs are in the wrong place, something has grown out of his tail bone, his ears have fucking moved to the top of his head, Edward manages something out of a grotesque horror film.

In other words: Edward thinks he's even more of a horrific gargoyle than before.

Rather than face Bella, I imagine he zooms into the underbrush so she won't look at him.

Bella's still standing there, naked, wondering when she'll wake up from this highly realistic sex fantasy dream.

"Is this a nightmare?" she wonders, as it's oddly similar to those old nightmares she used to have where she just wanders around searching for Edward and never finds him.

Bella feels New Moon panic setting in.

Normally, Edward would be sympathetic, but he has "I am a cat" panic setting in.

So, She Finds Out He's a Cat, Right?

No.

Edward tries to call Carlisle but discovers he doesn't have fucking thumbs (having not dared to look in the mirror, he still doesn't realize he's a cat).

However, so Bella will never realize what happened to him, he runs away from Isle Esme (yes, leaving Bella there alone, in a foreign country where she doesn't speak the language, naked in the ocean).

It's better if she believes Edward abandoned her again, he'd rather that than she knows he became this hideous beast who surely craves blood more than ever before (he doesn't, he's just a cat).

Now, Edward's initial plan was to go to his family, but then he realizes he doesn't want them to see him either. He wants them to always remember him as he was.

He has to fix this on his own.

Bella Tries to Find Out What Happened

Bella eventaully goes inside and realizes in terror this is not a dream. Edward has just disappeared.

She calls the family where Alice is also flipping shit as Edward has disappeared (he's a cat now so she can't see him). Alice tells Bella that she thinks Edward might be... dead.

Bella denies it desperately but Alice tells her she's coming the next morning to pick Bella up.

Unfortunately for Alice, that gives Bella enough time to kill herself. True Romeo and Juliet style.

Alice, unfortunately, is on a plane when she gets the vision of Bella disappearing, having jumped into the ocean and not come back up.

Back to Edward

He theorizes a few things.

One, this is the final metamorphosis of being a vampire. Because Edward's so much more of a vampire than everyone else (he's not), it happened to him first. Perhaps because, unlike the rest of his family, he went off the diet (this does not explain the many other vampires who have not turned into cats).

Two, the Volturi did this to him. They cursed him somehow, across the sea, and rather than simply dispose of him they turned him into this hideous beast (Edward has still not looked at his cat reflection). They have made him small, shrunken, and powerless (he's still a super cat) and isolated him from Bella and his family (he did that himself).

Regardless, he can't return and imagines Bella gets the human future he always wished for (she's dead) and his family will somehow manage without him.

He doesn't even want Jacob to kill him as that would mean Jacob would look at him and might even tell Bella what happened to him.

He tries to remain on the animal diet but slowly succumbs without the support structure to stay on.

He goes back to eating rapists and murderers which slowly but surely devolves into "people Edward doesn't like".

[sunnyratto]

I have two separate questions:

1. Bella suddenly turns into a talking dog somtime after Twilight but before her birthday. How do the Cullens react? Do they still leave?

2. In a completely separate universe, Edward suddenly turns into a talking vampiric dog in the same time frame. Do the Cullens still leave?

This is very important data.

"It's for science"

I look forward to your fic, anon, starring Bella the crime fighting talking dog and her supernatural companions the Cullens. I also expect them to be on a spaceship.

Bella Turns into a Talking Dog

Pfft, how do the Cullens react. Oh, oh honey, you just set Edward up as a primary murder suspect.

Bella disappears at some point during the summer with no trace. She's simply gone. There's a search party out for her. And guess who she's dating at the time?

The boyfriend/husband is always a suspect, always, and Edward's going to look so shady with his family that keeps to themselves, his hot and cold behavior during school, his odd behavior in Port Angeles with Jessica and Angela as witnesses.

And the Cullens absolutely cannot afford Edward to get fingerprinted (if vampires even have fingerprints which I rather doubt), have DNA tested, or any of the above.

The Cullens have to leave town.

Now.

Worse, the Cullens have to die, perhaps forever. Edward's face is going to be in a police database, this story could go viral even with the early internet, Dr. Cullen will be a known quantity who cannot look exactly like the Dr. Cullen who disappeared off the face of the Earth when Edward was suspected of murder.

This is all rather fortunate as Bella is now a talking dog.

I imagine she finds herself with the Cullens and tells them her plight: she's a dog now! Help!

Well, the only place to take her is Volterra where Aro suspects she must have some bizarre shapeshifting gift among other things. He has no idea what's going on, but they should try to turn her.

There's much todo over who should bite Bella the dog or if she should be bitten while she's a dog or if she can even be turned at all. She does still smell delicious, though.

Carlisle gets the honors as he has the best track record.

Bella wants Edward to do it.

Unfortunately for Bella, Edward has been in deep despair this entire time. He's upset that he's suspected of her murder by the entire town of Forks and especially the Quileute Tribe, he's upset that the era of the Cullens is apparently over because he's a murder suspect and they now have to go live in the woods for decades at a minimum, he's upset they're in Volterra asking the help of Aro, and now he's upset that even though Bella's a dog her life is ruined and she's being turned into a vampire.

Or a dog.

It's unclear which is going to happen here.

I imagine Edward mercy-eats Bella the dog before we can find out whether dog + Bella + venom = vampire.

No one has any idea what to say to any of this.

It's a dark time in the Cullen's lives that they don't discuss.

Edward Turns into a Dog

Well, they can't stay in Forks now, because Carlisle's going to be suspected of murdering his own son.

Edward, of course, wants to break up with Bella because he's a dog and now even more of a monstrosity than he was when he was a vampire. Bella, however, beats down the door to see him when the Cullens tell her he's sick.

She swears to him that she loves him even though he's a dog. She's always loved dogs. Their love is true and pure, and they'll get through this together and she will love Edward the dog for eternity when the Cullens turn her into a vampire.

Cue looking at the Cullens expectently.

They look back.

They... hadn't thought about that.

Alice can't see Edward anymore because he's a dog. She can't even see the family anymore because Edward's here and he's a dog. She has no idea if Bella and Edward can work out long term (or short term) when he's a dog.

The rest hadn't thought Bella would factor into this.

They haven't been sure what to think of Bella's integration into their lives or relationship with Edward. Edward did seem happier, when not a dog, but this all has been a little fast? And Bella's human?

There's a very quick discussion Bella's kicked out of.

Rosalie is not in favor of turning Bella. She'd be throwing away her entire future AND EDWARD IS A FUCKING DOG. Edward the dog, while hating being called a dog, agrees in that they can't let Bella waste her life and become a vampire and pursue a relationship with a dog.

Edward, in fact, is wondering if they shouldn't put him out of his misery.

Esme is pro Bella if only because Edward can't lose his girlfriend and his humanity all in one day. He just can't. Too tragic.

The Cullens veto Edward's assisted suicide request as well as Bella's becoming a vampire. They have to deal with this Edward dog issue first.

They tell Bella. And by they, it's Carlisle, as Edward refuses to talk to her in his miserable canine state. He can't bear for her to look at him, wretched mongrel that he is.

She doesn't take it well.

Edward then, as a dog, has to tell her it's not the dog thing: he's gotten bored. She was a temporary distraction, it just happens to be time to move, while he's a dog, and he'll get over her quickly enough.

She has the rest of her human future to pursue, and she'll forget all about him! It will be like he never existed.

And definitely was never a dog.

Bella falls into New Moon disappear and the Cullens begin the process of leaving town, Edward being sick and Carlisle getting a suddenly new job across the country, look at that.

Bella helps to vouch for Edward being alive to her friends and family, sobbing all while she does so.

We get New Moon, but Edward's a dog.

Edward the dog wanders in despair to Rio where he's a miserable wretch through Carnival. If he's an immortal dog, he survives, if not I imagine he gets hit by a car somewhere.

Bella, meanwhile, falls into depression and has her friendship with Jacob. Jacob gets told by Bella that Edward, too, turned into a dog. Jacob... does not feel great about that.

The first time she sees Jake shift, she cries and nearly has a panic attack, because it reminds her of Edward and causes the black hole in her chest to expand.

Hallucination Edward is a person and that makes her cry too.

Because Edward's a dog now and rejected her in his time of need because she was dead weight.

If Edward's an immortal dog, he goes to Volterra to kill himself when Bella jumps off a cliff. (How he operates that cellphone he carries in a plastic bag around his neck is a question for another day.) Aro then gets the singular joy and surreal experience of a talking dog named Edward Cullen, Carlisle's son by the way, asking him for assisted suicide because his human girlfriend killed herself after he abandoned her because he became a dog.

Unfortunately for Edward, he can't break the law because he's a dog. He can neither walk in sunlight nor eat all of Saint Marcus' square. Because he's a dog.

And because Alice can't see him, Bella never runs to save him from certain doom.

Edward has to settle for being the annoying talking dog who asks Aro each morning if he please won't kill him.

"Not today, Edward, not today. Hang in there, Spot." Aro says, then desperately goes elsewhere to do something else, wondering if he should tell Carlisle that his suicidal dog-son is here and asking to be murdered.

[sunnyratto]

i actually dont mind tumblr posts reposted to pinterest. the 13 y/o "pinterest in the only social media my parents let me have" girlies deserve a little treat

[sunnyratto]

The Cullen fortune is gone overnight. The rest of the Cullens have to get jobs to support their lifestyle.

What jobs would you suggest for them to experience growth/be the best version of themselves? (minus Carlisle, for whom I'm pretty sure the answer is just doctor, unless you have other thoughts)

Alternatively, what jobs would they be objectively terrible at, but you find really funny to imagine them having just the world's worst day at work doing?

Oh this has got to be the best anon I've received all year.

Right then, the Cullens lose their money, we'll say the wealth-eating vampire Ivan (turned in 1929, this bolshevik is on a mission to create a communist utopia, and has the gift to go with: he has the power of liquidating all assets belonging to private persons and companies and giving it back to the state) set his eyes on them and it's history from there.

For the sake of simplicity, we'll say the year is 2008, they're all still living in Forks.

The Cullens could get by on Carlisle's paycheck, he makes enough to pay the bills and buy them something nice every now and then. It's stretched a bit thin, though, the Forks hospital can't afford as much as a hospital in a bigger city could and there are nine of them. He's got the bills and a shared family car (that he (wait for it) has to buy from Billy Black) covered and not much else.

They've got to get jobs.

Alice decides it's time to no longer do what she's good at for free: she's going to become a clothes designer and fashion consultant. With her skill she will take the fashion world by storm, with her family she has the glamorous models in the box already, and with her gift she'll have a failsafe ensuring no idea she has ever fails. She is already planning the Met gala outfits she'll outfit stars in.

The trouble is this: she has no brand and no clients. She's starting at rock bottom.

Never fear: she makes a battle plan for herself. She'll start small with a neat-looking website, promote herself as so exclusive that the reason you haven't heard of her is because she's that big a deal, and she'll attract clients with her amazing concept designs.

She gets Carlisle to invest in the hottest new thing: a stark white MacBook (Image below), gets Rosalie to program the website (Rosalie cries because the programming she knows is from studying astrophysics, she can give you an animation of a sphere's trajectory through a frictionless space if thrown at various speeds, she has no idea how to make a website. She ends up making Alice a blog at Wordpress. It has really nice HTML, though), now it's portfolio time.

Portfolio time goes terribly: Carlisle won't let her publish photos of the family on the interwebz, and the making clothes part of the equation turns out to easier said than done because Alice wants quality merchandise, but quality fabrics are expensive. Carlisle offers to make her fabrics out of wool and hides from the animals they hunt, offering that it would be a rustic look, and she has a horrible feeling he's being serious.

(Alice is in the red)

We cut to how Emmett is doing.

Emmett was thinking he'd get work as a lumberjack, it would be fun and manly, but then Alice bought that computer which has a webcamera and he thought, why not become a fitness instructor? That could spell money.

He asks Carlisle if the computer is a family computer and not just Alice's, Carlisle says yes, Alice fumes, and Emmett sets up a studio in the basement. He publishes one video per day, and his ridiculously muscular frame combined with being an insanely beautiful man wearing a blindfold so he'll be less recognizable (Carlisle's stipulation) while physically exerting himself makes him an instant hit among gay men and straight women everywhere.

(Emmett is in the green)

Esme was inspired by Alice quoting "if you're good at something, never do it for free!" and decided to become a cleaning lady who also cooks. This works really well for the first few weeks: she's incredibly sweet so everyone likes her, she's a white woman so the racists don't worry about giving her access to their possessions, and she's alarmingly talented at what she does. One hour of Esme in your home, and your house smells like cookies and looks cleaner than an operation room.

(Esme is in the green)

The problems arise once Esme's instinct to care for others conflict with her work.

Sooner or later someone struggles to pay her, or it becomes clear simply from the state of their house that this, having someone make their house look nice, is them splurging.

Esme was once on her own, working to make ends meet, and her apartment looked terrible not because she didn't try to keep it clean, but because between working, being pregnant, and saving up for a baby she had no money or energy left to do things like fix flaking tapestry or a rocky chair. And having a clean, pleasant space to live in- it sounds frivolous, but that matters.

She decides to lower the price for cleaning people's houses, and expands so she's now home maintenance, not just cleaning. Instantly she has more clients than she did before. So she expands her work hours, and lowers the price again.

Before long, she throws the towel in and starts working pro bono.

The money she made are spent on supplies, and she starts leeching off of Carlisle's paycheck.

(Esme is in the red)

The family never sees her around anymore, meanwhile the denizens of Forks are now much happier for having a real life Mary Poppins running around town helping everybody. There's a general sentiment that they should do something for this poor woman, who works pro bono for the town's poorest even when her family lost all their money. Between that and adopting all those kids, the Mr. and Mrs. Cullen are starting to look like saints.

Hey, isn't her daughter trying to start a business?

Alice gets her first few clients, three to be specific. One is Jessica Stanley's cousin who's getting married and thought she could save on the dress by having her cousin's former classmate design it, the other two are forty-something women who were touched by Esme Cullen's initiative and thought they'd do something for her daughter. Can't Alice design each of them a gown for weddings and other formal occasions?

Alice wants to be happy she's finally getting off the ground, except-

Those two forty-something women are not the kind of clients she wanted. They're not young, for starters, and they're... well, she isn't sure how to say this to them but if they want to wear one of her designs they're going to have to lose a few pounds first. And get a makeover. It's fine, she can give them a makeover, and Carlisle can set them up with a diet to lose weight (what's that, he can't? Why not? He's being completely- oh, jeeze, fine. Rosalie can come up with the diet then! Or tell them to just stop eating, period, that works too.), Alice will airbrush the photos to hell in her portfolio, THIS IS FINE.

It's not fine.

The ladies get offended and cancel their orders when Alice tries to explain this over the phone, which just goes to prove that Renesmee really needs to learn to leave the room already whenever aunt Alice has a phone call because if she'd been able to See what would happen then she could have found a way to phrase this that wouldn't have lost her two clients.

She's left with Jessica's cousin, who gave her a budget of $500.

For a wedding dress.

And Alice doesn't get to decide anything else, she knows from her gift that the wedding will be- not the worst she's seen, but a pitifully forgettable mediocre with a boring colorscheme and ugly bridesmaid dresses. Nope, she's just going to have to sit there and watch that happen, design a gorgeous dress for this subpar wedding.

Pearls before swine.

Alice tries to reason with Jessica's cousin, and offers to design the dresses for the bridesmaids at a discount. She won't ask them to lose weight, she will pay for the fabric herself if that's what it's gonna take. Fuck, she'll do this for free. Oh, what's that, Jessica's cousin, you already got the dresses? At H&M?!

... this would be a stain on her portfolio. It wouldn't advance her career at all. Alice has got to get out of this.

Jessica's cousin fires her before she can quit.

(Alice is in the red)

Jasper becomes a drug dealer.

(Jasper is in the green)

Edward and Rosalie, meanwhile, both decided that they wanted 9-5 jobs that would get them their paychecks without having to build anything.

Rosalie gets a job as an electrical engineer at an established company that'll pay her big dough, and she now has a bigger paycheck than Carlisle. The problem is that she's a young blonde woman working in STEM.

Rosalie proceeds to spend her workdays being sexually harassed by some colleagues and belittled by others, and has a terrible time.

Still, she stays on the job, because she really really wants to be able to buy things again.

(Rosalie is in the green)

Edward, with his gift and medical training, figures he would do great as a therapist. Steady supply of money, could become a lot of money if he makes a name for himself, and he'd be making a difference for people who really need it.

Carlisle is thrilled: finally, one of his kids isn't telling well-meaning ladies to lose weight, pandering to horny people on the internet (to be fair, no one has had the heart to tell Emmett this. Rosalie moderates his comment section zealously), dealing drugs, or being harassed by sexist pigs! Go forth into the world of psychotherapy, Edward, make that difference!

Edward gets certified (read: Jasper pays Mr. Jenks a visit) and, wanting to prove that he's modest and wants to do good by the world rather than seek money at his earliest convenience, accepts a job as a councillor for college students.

(Edward is in the green)

Edward proceeds to spend his days listening to students with petty problems such as doing poorly in class, breaking up with their lovers, and blah de blah. Edward could not care less about their problems. They're lying through their teeth, too, making the whole thing in an exercise in frustration.

He quits after a month.

Throughout all of this, Bella has been floundering. She has no marketable skills, and... though she won't admit it even now, she did not become a Cullen so that she would have to worry about going to work and making ends.

Just- god, she didn't care about the money, at all, definitely not, it's just that it wasn't supposed to suddenly be gone!

She eventually gets it together and starts applying for jobs.

She doesn't get any of them, not when she's applying for office jobs with nothing to show but a high school diploma.

She starts applying for retail jobs.

The worst application, by far, is calling Newton's and asking if she can have the job back (she can't, they have a new girl. They're very sorry).

(Bella is in the red)

Renesmee, wanting to pitch in, asks her grandpa Charlie if she could get a job. He lets her be his secretary, and she makes $30 per hour telling people to go to the waiting room.

(Renesmee is in the green)

Bella's daughter is now networking better than her and making more money than she ever did. Her daughter is less than two years old.

She asks Carlisle if he's got a job for her, and Carlisle takes pity on her. She is to be his secretary, just man the phone and tell people Dr. Cullen is busy when he is in fact eating squirrels in the woods before a surgery.

(Bella is in the green)

It's terribly unfortunate, then, that Bella in her awkwardness manages to make it sound like Dr. Cullen is masturbating in there (He's taking care of business, har de Cullen inside joke har har. Seriously though, you don't want to disturb him right now.) and has absolutely no ability to keep things secret so she will openly tell anyone and everyone who is seeing Dr. Cullen and for what (I can't believe Mike's got an STD! And he let it get so far, holy cow I hope somebody told Jessica. Oh my god, someone should tell Jessica).

Carlisle is put in the unenviable position of having to fire his daughter-in-law.

Alice gets desperate enough to try Carlisle's animal hides idea, and Carlisle finds himself working round the clock as he gets home from the hospital, and immediately has to go hunt down good pelts so he can then slave away in the one-man sweatshop she set up making woolen gowns. He makes sure Esme is out cleaning 24/7, lest she be dragged into this as well.

Alice still has no clients, but that she'll think of something.

Any day now.

(Alice is in the red)

Emmett gets sued. Turns out his channel was getting people hurt (lift with your backs, guys! When you're stretching, try to make it fast and jerky! Keep pushing if you're uncomfortable, that's when it's getting good!), so now he has legal problems.

Carlisle, Rosalie, Edward, Bella, Jasper and Renesmee each have to pitch in the money they've made to fight this lawsuit and pay the monstrous fine Emmett gets slapped with.

(Everyone is in the red)

The Cullens hold a strategy meeting.

Who's actually made money, who's going anywhere?

Rosalie's making dough, but she's not going anywhere due to sexism in the workplace keeping her from advancing.

Alice may have gotten off to a rough start but she is going somewhere, she assures them. She just needs to change her brand: streetwear and smart casual are much more marketable, and it can still be high end, she'll just make it more down to earth. How's that?

Edward reads in her mind her ideas for $600 sheepskin tank tops, and grimaces, but he's not suicidal enough to say anything.

Carlisle is already making as much as he can at that hospital, if he wants to make more he'd have to move. And then Renesmee and Jasper would be out of work.

Renesmee is actually doing rather well for herself, she's now running errands and taking small jobs around town, picking up $20 here and $50 there. Everyone agrees Edward's niece is a delightful little girl, and she's successfully gaslighting them that she's always been this tall. Or this tall. Or this tall.

Jasper has progressed as well, he is a cleaner now. No, not the same kind as Esme. He's making more money than Carlisle and Rosalie combined, though, so Forks (Well, Seattle. And the state of Washington, really, his guys know distance isn't really a problem for him) is good by him.

Emmett still has his YouTube channel, he's posting videos of himself flexing his muscles and lifting things. People are strangely willing to pay to see that, he's got commissions to eat and wear various objects and everything. Crazy world, eh!

Realizing that his brothers are now doing better than him, one by being a gangster and the other by posting softcore porn, Edward decides to get back into psychotherapy because goddamnit this won't stand.

Bella asks Renesmee if she too can run errands and be Charlie's secretary. Renesmee readily agrees, her aging was getting too obvious anyway. She becomes Bella's... manager, is the term they land on: Renesmee gets the gigs and Bella does them, both make money.

On seeing Alice struggle without initial capital of her own, Renesmee decides that Alice can run errands too. That way, Renesmee's operation can expand and she will be more effectively be able to compete with the other kids in town trying to make dough or that accursed Esme who cleans and paints houses and mows lawns for free. How do we compete with that? By being cheaper than the other kids and better than Esme!

She has to get more manpower to pull this off, so Emmett and Edward get pulled in as well.

She ends up working Alice, Bella, Edward, and Emmett so hard that Alice's fashionista dreams get put on hold (this is also because she's making such lousy money being a one-year-old's below-minimal-wage-worker that after six months she still can't afford any of the things she needs to get started), while Renesmee has the money to hire the kids who were formerly her competition. To keep them on retainer she has to actually pay them, of course, something she didn't have to do with her family because family will work for $5 a gig.

(Renesmee is in the green)

In the end, Ivan the wealth-eating bolshevik vampire is appalled by the monster he created in Renesmee. In his outrage he takes all the Cullens' assets again, and tells the Volturi on them because he won't stand for such blatant exploitation of the workers!

Aro can't even.

[sunnyratto]

Hello please reblog this if you’re okay with people sending you random asks to get to know you better

[sunnyratto]

marigami

[sunnyratto]

Cyrus’s casual “I’m gay” to Jonah in S3 walked so Big Red’s casual “I’m bi” on national television could run

[sunnyratto]

These are the two cutest images out there. I've decided😌

[sunnyratto]

I’m gonna let the portwellies be upset bc rinas were in the same boat last year but I will not allow Ricky or Gina slander

[sunnyratto]

Gina choosing to put herself first after EJ has been treating her like a second choice all summer. I love that for her 💖💖💖💖💖

[sunnyratto]

My toxic trait is seeing literally any craft and thinking I could do that.

[sunnyratto]

Okay, okay, WHO ships Miss Jenn and Ricky’s dad. Like….. I just want to talk. There’s a literal enemies-to-lovers plot between Miss Jenn and Mr. Mazzarra, which starts as a rivalry fuelled by the fact that there is exactly one (1) teacher who is just as overly zealous about their extracurricular as you, but then they BOND over working together on their passions??? I mean HOW DO YOU NOT SHIP THAT