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An update. Monday: Documentary shoot was absolutely wonderful. I felt so happy & loved working with the crew. The director is really championing me to become a drone operator for films so that is really endearing. She's been great to me. Meeting Richard Bellia (& sharing an airbnb haha) was fantastic. I love his work immensely. I was going through one of his books at the coffee table & I saw a Fad Gadget photo I've never seen before & I kind of went "oh! Fad Gadget!" & in his very french accent he tells me how that's never the response he gets when people go through his work. That morning breakfast was so lovely. Really beautiful. & the eclipse was gorgeous too. So much fun & Bellia photographed me; that was a trip. & there's a good chance those cameras that he photographed me with were the same he photographed so many bands & artists I love. F*cking killer.

Friday: I saw a Depeche Mode cover band. I had a lot of fun singing & dancing. Two middle-aged guys were all over me, but it's whatever I got a lot of attention from a lot of people, even the band... Which. God, such a bummer. The dude who does Martin's part is this gorgeous 23 year old South African knock out; the hottest guy I've ever met with the most powerful eyes & statuesque physique. We were being cute after the show & I hit on him a bit. He touched me a bit too but because of my Massive weight gain (5 .lbs big deal, but yeah, my body issues are in full f*cking swing) but every time he went for my arm I kind of retracted back.. ei. (I am in fact getting off of lexipro now. Only 2.5 months but nah, dude my body is a huge part of my happiness & it's f*cking with my metabolism & leptin receptor. Still f*cking depressed too, so whatever dude. I'm done). But yeah, I could tell the dude wasn't that interested & probably just shmoozing for social sake. We did talk music slightly. He listens to prog metal & has a proggy band on the side. I said I don't listen to modern prog, but I do listen to classic prog. He says "You listen to Rush don't you?".... God, not again lmao. He says I'm the only girl he knows that listens to Rush... What's with Christians & Rush??... But yeah, sociability, just chummy flirtation (but f*ck, so f*cking hot)... The singer was chummy too & put me on a guest list for their next show, we've been talking on IG in which! I am doing their photos & videos for them!!! : ) Oh, & no chance with the knock out since he is Very in opposition of ALL my values SO.. I'm not doing that again. Sometimes there's just no way to coexist no matter how open minded you are. You get hurt sacrificing your sensibilities for the possibility of companion & partnership & these self-righteous guys can't meet you half way... but thank christ (haha) he's not interested or trying anything because Iiiii honestly would forsake Everything for his physicality... which is fitting for Depeche lmao. Anyway. Happy, still going through sh*t (traded my romantic disorder for an eating disorder 👌🏻👌🏻👌🏻) but really progressing in life & with healing. About f*cking time, man. It Can Happen.

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Putting 900 miles on my beautiful car ☠☠☠

Was severely depressed this morning. Went to nephew's baptism. Religion is toxic. Glad the ex was too young to plan a life with, Christianity is aggressive & dogmatic, but I still would have dealt with the bigotry & arrogance. Was super nervous driving home from Chicago but now I'm really excited for this trip & shoot. The film crew is already down in Carbondale & our hill has been spotted. Our Airbnb is $1,200 ☠ 6 people but damn. We are only 2 miles from our eclipse location so that's excellent. Eager to meet everyone & experience my first eclipse & first full crew production : )

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iiii'm just supposed to be the photographer, now I've been asked to pilot their drone which I have never done before. I am totally willing to try but the director has this vision in mind & I don't know if I can actually get it. Also... I don't know if their drone has an nd filter of 20 f stops since i was the one that even addressed that our cameras need protective filters... soo..?

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I applied for a real estate photography job (as a second, don't plan on leaving the camera store), they viewed my application but didn't email me : ( Send out good vibes that they contact me this week. I want to take photos of houses.

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I don't work Saturdays since my health took a turn in February & the guys were talking about how a metal band recorded a music video on Saturday & I am so bummed!! I asked if they were attractive & one of the dude's was like yeah, actually. & that the music was really good too. Super uncool. So sad : (

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The lads went out last night & I wasn't invited by the rental manager so when they were talking about it 2 days ago like are you going? I told them I wasn't informed then I got like a pitty invite. I wanted to go but in the end I was really f*cking tired. I'm back to extreme fatigue & my stress is kicking up again... it must of been a time since I'm waiting for the managers to get here & open the shop, they're laate, dude... I'm not suppose to drink with these meds anyway.. not that they're helping I'm still an anxious wreck... but to leave on a positive note, I bought a solar nd filter for the eclipse 🕶☀️

#the rental manager is really displeased with my ''behavior'' the day i worked 15 hours. . yep.

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I wanted to buy a 70-300 lens, but we're out of stock at work : (

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Holy sh*t, I shouldn't have looked up the photographer I'm doing stills for for the documentary on him. The director was just like oh, he tours with the cure & does their photos, so I thought no big deal. But I'm looking through his work & uh... I've been reblogging his work since I was 16 👁 he was pretty big in the post-punk & goth movement, dang, man. I'll name drop once everything comes together. But yeah, one of my crucial shots I have to take is him setting up for the eclipse & actually of him taking photos of the eclipse. Wild.

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Finalizing my trade in & buying the new car. I really need to cry because I love Ginger, but it's just time for her to go. She has so many problems & I can't invest in her anymore. If only my heart could feel that about another f*cking carwreck... This new car is sophisticated & practical, & that's who I need to be, not rusted & full of damage. Love you, Ginger, I release you.

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F*cking erratic...

New car... & ... I just got a photography gig for a documentary on a well known music photographer who worked for Melody Maker... ... ...

One day you're crying because some pissant college f*ckboy doesn't want you, then the next day a documentarian wants you to do stills for their film.

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Going through a lot - huge ups & downs, mostly down. I saw him around town twice in less than a week... & now one of his favorite singers is playing at my summer job. I'm still crying because of him & now this.

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Inventory count of entire store so I worked 9am to 12am yesterday & will be at it again today for recount.. despite my doctors telling me I need to avoid strain & stress. Last night the general manager b*tched at me because I didn't eat the salad one of the managers bought me (without asking me or confirming with me). ONE: DIETARY RESTRICTIONS. TWO: HEALTH ISSUES. THREE: EATING DISORDER. He is such a b*tch sometimes, my god. Just really out of place & impolite... & f*cking aggressive about something that could have been low key... also don't put ~my specially bought salad~ next to 3 trays of fried chicken. The smell was literally nauseating I couldn't even join the crew for dinner & it really set my stomach & gag reflexes off for the next 2 hours. Also, I'm recovering from a traumatic event & working 30 hours in two days, don't get aggressive & b*tchy at me, motherf*cker.

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Oh, I'm so stupid lmao. Finally gave my number to this dude (yet another kid) I've been eyeballing for a year now - common sense has always stopped me but he was wearing a Yes shirt in a student film he acted in so... yeah. That happened. I've tried with this kid last September & it didn't happen so what the hell am I doing.

#i think ive deleted every post ive written about him here except one because it was vague #because it would honestly be me repeating the pattern. i dont need a worse version of my ex thanks very much... but god is he gorgeous x

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DEF LEPPARD - PHOTOGRAPH (1983)

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JC Penney, 1988.

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John Taylor - Duran Duran

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Phil Collins in NYC, 1985 

Photo by Lynn Goldsmith