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stillincognito · 2 years
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get lost in the pain.. don't fear it
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stillincognito · 2 years
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Don’t settle.
It seems easy, when he has a fantastic smile and strong arms and the ability to make you see the best in someone before you’ve even gotten to know them.
But he’s not real.
He’s someone you’ve made up in your head. Someone you’re making shitty excuses for. You say his ego is wounded, not just full. You say his words are venom because he’s immature, not just because he can get away with it.
They’re pretty lies. But they aren’t real. They aren’t tangible. They aren’t fucking real.
And they never will be. He’s a flight risk. He runs. He breaks free of any commitment and only calls at 11 pm. You knew this. You know this. Stop giving in.
Someday, you will find someone great. You won’t have to wait until 11. There will be no games. You’ll feel safe and respected and loved.
So quit wasting your time. He’s not real. Don’t settle for the man who makes you wait until 11 when your bedtime is 10.
“he’s never going to love you like you love him”
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stillincognito · 2 years
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I can't stand him anymore
I never should have believed in love
I've never seen a real or true love so
I don't know why I thought I could find it
like I could create it out of amiable charisma
perhaps that was the first foolish step
maybe it's real for someone who won't quit looking
but to me,
love is not real or constructive
no human can genuinely love another human
I'm going to die without ever experiencing true love
I guess I just needed to have that written out
it's like the biggest dream I've had since I was young
to find someone like all of the romance movies
I've never been so set up for failure
every on screen cuddle, bouquet of flowers, or walk on the beach
built an extra layer of expectation and longing
maybe not a Prince charming with a crown
but someone who accepted me for who I am
cares about my mental, emotional, and physical needs
someone who holds my hand in public and in private
someone who not only can't wait to kiss me but never wants to stop
someone who shows affection and expresses themselves creatively
or maybe just someone who is faithful with their body and mind
someone who doesn't seek to fill a sexual void with calling someone else more lovely names than those chosen for me
someone who doesn't show more affection through those texts than what I get in real life
but I'm asking too much
and maybe the point is that he said what got her off but not what can be offered
he doesn't give a fuck about me, I see that now
love is not dead, it never existed, I see that now
perhaps lust has gauged and polluted every sound wave
no one can demonstrate a selfless love
chivalry is dead,
of course,
they were never wrong
but like so many before me,
I'm settling for resentment in the stability
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stillincognito · 2 years
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my back hurts so fucking bad
every position; horizontal and vertical
I'm irritable and unpleasant
I hope this agony takes my breath away
life is one painful event after the next
my body is a torture entrapment
my mind is an echo chamber
all I hear is..
I don't want to exist anymore
maybe take these pills at once
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stillincognito · 2 years
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stillincognito · 2 years
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time to cry myself to sleep...
honestly,
I wish I wasn't so attached because then I wouldn't miss you so much.
I wouldn't be so disappointed when I don't get to see you on Sunday.
maybe my heart wouldn't be in agony whenever I can't hold you at night.
if I just didn't love you so much...
maybe I would feel more free
or like I could breathe
but for now I lay here suffocating because I need your lips pressed against mine,
stealing the air from my lungs and replacing it with purpose but when you leave for too long it turns to poison.
if only you didn't complete me,
maybe I wouldn't have tears streaming down my cheeks at the thought of how your strong arms around me provide the safest shelter from this shit storm.
or maybe what I mean to say is...
if you showed me or told me how much you miss me,
I wouldn't feel so pathetically empty.
but now I wonder...
if what I should be understanding is that you don't miss me at all and perhaps I'm trying to be too daft to see it.
I wish I wasn't so attached because my soul doesn't know how to be whole now that it felt yours.
I once saw you cry while you told me how much I mean to you.
maybe it's selfish to want to see that sort of longing again
but I can't hold back the doubt that is creeping in with every day that passes without you telling me sweet nothings.
nothing sweet about the deafening silence that screams terrors and leaves me useless in the street.
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stillincognito · 2 years
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if I were to leave a note...
I would write about how appreciative I was of their love even when I was least deserving and that I never blamed them if they didn't love me because I couldn't expect anyone to love me if I couldn't find anything to love about myself.
I would apologize for all of the frustration, sorrow, and hell I put them through and that this would be the last time I let myself cause them pain.
I would try to say something encouraging like they'll get through this without me and though they may doubt my logic, I'd plead with them to believe me when I say that the hurt will fade in time and then they will be better off without me.
I would write about my hope for whatever is next and tell them all if we meet again under better circumstances and without these memories then maybe we could start over.
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stillincognito · 2 years
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stillincognito · 2 years
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I'm sorry for being so awful that you can't even bare to sit next to me.
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stillincognito · 2 years
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honestly it's all just entirely too soul crushing
that is the majority -if not everything- in this life's fate
I feel emotions so deeply
it's a real curse
not like fantasy books or exaggerated horror stories
or maybe it's just some kind of undiagnosed disorder
I can't escape my own irrationality
it's impossible to lift the weight of the world
yet I feel it leaning on my shoulders
day in and day out
happy moments are lovely, fleeting, and rare
sadness is the only constant
the only companion I can rely on
dark vortexes break into dance around me
almost as though they celebrate misfortune
and unfortunately
there is an infinite amount to choose from
their manic cackles rain havoc on heavy hearts
I wish the sirens in my head would go silent
a sledgehammer to shatter an alarm clock
amplified by subwoofers
speakers stuck in unreachable brain waves
traveling through internal tunnels of activity
and meddling in drastic decisions
spurred by devastation and dismemberment
the neverending torment of grief
I am always exhausted
I am always awake
that's how I spend the night
so tell me
how do I find rest if a slumber like Aurora's isn't an option
and living is a nightmare that no prince can save me from
alas
sweet doom
come take me soon
I await your chariot of fire
with baited breath
I swear it's dire
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stillincognito · 2 years
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those closest to me get let down the most so I suggest choosing someone else because even if you think you can handle it or like it's worth it, let me assure you that I'm not.
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stillincognito · 2 years
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I'm never going to be good enough for anyone.
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stillincognito · 3 years
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sadly, that's not the first time someone has referenced a relationship with me as "malignant"
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stillincognito · 3 years
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I will never get better… X_X
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stillincognito · 3 years
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stillincognito · 3 years
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I say the wrong thing or nothing
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stillincognito · 3 years
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on second thought, don't marry me
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