steadywastelandvoid

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🎶 let's talk about confident babies🎶

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im a gift to the world but not to mankind

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u know what doesn't look like a real word? eligibility

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me to the person that topped me last night: what's up, virgin

#shitpost #textpost

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my mother was a horsegirl (derogatory), but I was a horsegirl (laudatory).

#she became unfortunate #i found a healthy liking for a steady rhythm and leather straps

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i wanna look like if you invite me to your home for the holidays your mom is getting seduced

#your dad too #cuffing season #cuffing your parents i mean

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I think what might be the problem with me can be ascertained by what I bought myself for Christmas:

- a tape dispenser

- an upholstery cleaner

- a sweatshirt that says, "World's sluttiest dad."

- A World War II book explaining diplomatic strategeum when confronted with the threat nuclear arms

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what im beginning to suspect is that Italians have a cultural reverence for cabbages

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boredom tip: commit atrocities

can't be bored if you're haunted by the ghost of your misdeeds

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i do have a nice ass, all things considered.

things that were considered: my ass

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i don't actually know what junior high is or what graduate school means. i don't know what an undergraduate is

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i'm a two but i dominate you by sending you youtube videos i know will damage you psychically

#dom #daddy

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Ah yes, you've fallen for my devilishly stupid thoughts and questionable looks

#me when flirt #shitpost #textpost

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28. Admittedly, I am to blame for the employee cell phone use clause now also containing restrictions on musical instruments (not just guitars anymore, for which I am also to blame pre annum).

29. Presentations on flexibility soft skills should not involve any amount of physical stretching - no one liked it.

30. While working remotely has many benefits, a pantless meeting should not be one of them nor is it a good suggestion for the monthly meeting theme.

31. Sometimes cutting off managers in discussion is required for professional and legal reasons. Doing so by saying any of the following is prohibited: "yikes budderonni," "hiyah," "ignore everything that was just said....," "none of that was canon," or "you've been stopped." Furthermore, any form of "creative" approaches in this endeavor must be pre-approved by a my manager.

32. While having a strong understanding and interpretive knowledge of the employee handbook is key to the role of HR, it would behoove me to mention loopholes in the language instead of exploiting them.

rules made for me at my office job

I am not allowed to change my office’s desk orientation every day 

I cannot use the words schwifty, burlesque, bussin’, tubular, cap, or cowabummer in any performance reviews. 

Not allowed to blind copy supervisors and mention that they have been blind copied in the email.

Can no longer give employees job titles that are not their official title. Furthermore, referring to employees as the Unrelenting Perfectionist, IT Boi, Operational Sponge, Chris’ Friend, or Background Employee 3 are prohibited. 

While I may believe that asking employees if they want to fight is not a threat, that is not how it is being taken.

It's not per say against company policy, but looking directly into every camera as I walk around the building is making the other staff members uncomfortable.

I cannot take desk chairs on the elevator for any reason.

When conducting an interview, it is only funny once to ask the owner’s dog to read the next question. 

Can no longer make people leave my office so I can have my back to them and spin dramatically upon their reentry in a Bond villain style.

Not allowed to insinuate that I could take any employee in a dodgeball game at any meeting even if it is true.  

A safety briefing is good and necessary. Why I chose to create a video modeled after an airplane safety instructional is beyond human comprehension.

Dressing up for Halloween is fun and encouraged. Not removing my gorilla costume during an employee termination is bad form. 

“I am not a therapist” is not a fun fact for team building.

People calling me “Toby” is not a war crime.

If I really like the accounting department, I need to stop looking up accountant specific jokes to tell them before I get to what I really need to say. 

Other employees getting in their steps is allowed. Using the phrase “I’m getting in my kicks” to explain why I’m snapkicking my way to the breakroom makes no sense and scares people. 

If a joke I put into a powerpoint requires a twenty minute explanation on Italian feudal lords to be funny, take it out. 

HR is not “basically everyone’s work dad.” I need to please stop telling everyone that “I’m not mad, just disappointed” in them during disciplinary meetings.

While I am allowed to decorate my office as I see fit, katanas are not appropriate for the workplace even if they are completely made of plastic

Not allowing everyone to simultaneously take five minutes to go see my “rad new motorcycle” is not a form of discrimination.

Distributing company branded water bottles and telling employees they’re great for “holding booze or tears” is strictly prohibited.

I am not allowed to tell employees that impromptu dancing meets the mandatory activity break requirements.

Just because I put national pj day on the work calendar does not mean that the company will observe it. 

Trial by combat is not one of the disciplinary measures in the employee handbook

Hiring carolers during the week of Christmas is…thoughtful. Asking them to do ACDC covers only makes no sense.

I can just meet with my therapist, I don’t have to insist I am going to a meeting with the “department of internal complaints.” 

The backup manager is not whomever has had the most coffee that day.

#just business things #human Resources #shitpost

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being called a fuckboy by a woman who i respect is probably the most smug i've ever been

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disassociating so deeply that i re-emerge into the world as an all powerful being so deeply manifested that it becomes the new interworking of my personality

i believe in none of the words above, but somehow am god

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i am only breathing due to a colossal misunderstanding with god