starwrought

[starwrought]

my mother is tearing down the wallpaper in the hall of my old house and the wallpaper under is: ships, cannons, cornucopias, and eagles. making more sense now why the place is so haunted

#creepy! i hate it

[starwrought]

my mother is tearing down the wallpaper in the hall of my old house and the wallpaper under is: ships, cannons, cornucopias, and eagles. making more sense now why the place is so haunted

#whoever lived there left bad energy #<- doesn't even fully believe in this stuff #txt

[starwrought]

sea glass with shadows

#sea glass #art

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#art #traditional art #painting #acrylics #landscape #landscape painting #my art #paintings #winter #snow #mountains #landscapes

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I'm so horribly lonely I think it might destroy me, but I pretend that I'm not so people won't be put off by my sorrow.

#reading my little scribbled down thoughts on scraps of paper #hmm #txt #loneliness

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i live nearby a dog groomer and i was just interrupted from my reading by the very pitiful sounds of a very tiny black dog throwing a very big fit about going inside the groomers

#txt #diary

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flipping through a giant tome titled "How To Be Normal" and finding the exact subparagraph that proves i'm behaving normally

[starwrought]

baby puppy. little girl

#she saw me drinking water and wanted some #she is obsessed with my cold water bottle water #with the ice #border collie puppy #puppies #puppy time #border collie #cute #cute animals

[starwrought]

i want to live in the countryside in a house by the sea with three border collies, two cats, maybe a couple other dogs, near a forest, by mountains, in a climate with four seasons, with a lake in biking distance, with someone that i love, have children. far enough from the city that i can see stars at night, but where there is access to a train. with enough money to travel, afford weekend trips to the city. with a bathtub, and a sauna, and a fireplace, a wood stove. trees to hang a swing and hammock. enough space for a home library. and studio. with a good kitchen where i can bake and cook, guest room to have all my friends from all over the world over. where it is quiet and peaceful and beautiful and i can pick berries and feel okay. and is that too much to ask? it's so much, but is it too much to ask for after everything i've been through?

i want too much. i want to make up for everything i've been through. i want to live forever. even if i live to one hundred and nine he'll still have stolen a fifth of my life. i want to be glad i lived. and i want theatre and romance, dramatics and art. goats and ducks and to watch a solar eclipse. to see a comet. bathe in a waterfall. skydive and hang-glide and hammer hot iron. live long enough to forget my dead name. live long enough to forget what he smelt like. watch the sunset and then the sunrise from a mountaintop. what i want is endless and nauseating. the underside screaming to make up for that. to make it worth all that. like i could balance the good and bad of my life on a set of brass scales. could i? when i was back there i didn't even know what i wanted. i didn't know enough to want it. i just wanted and wanted until it ate me alive. will i ever be rid of it?

#musings #ramblings #txt #ptsd #trauma #child abuse

[starwrought]

my house when i have 2.3 million dollars and say fuck it i'm gonna own a lighthouse

#for those interested in looking at old properties #links #misc

[starwrought]

but will we ever know for certain

#puppy time #puppies #border collie puppy #border collie

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sleepy girl

#puppy #border collie puppy #border collie #cute #puppy time #dogs

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ella learning fetch already

#puppy #border collie #border collie puppy #cute #elanor #doggies #photos #puppies #i don't remember my tagging system #elanor puppy

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stargazing in Katahdin

i keep seeing posts about dark skies and how almost no one gets to see them for real anymore. so linking this information. a nice camping trip to see the dark skies if you're around Maine, USA area

"Starry nights at Katahdin Woods and Waters National Monument are exceptional... Within its 87,564 acres there are no electric lights and no commercial power sources.

Light readings are taken with a Sky Quality Meter. The meter measures how much light strikes the sensor... Larger numbers indicate a darker sky. The highest reading so far at Katahdin Woods and Waters National Monument is 21.84*!"

*At the lowest number—16.00—the sky is the brightest [typically urban areas]... 22.00 represents the least luminance—in other words, the least light pollution.

i hope everyone reading this gets to see dark skies and the multitude of stars someday ✨💫🌟

#resources #references #links #stargazing #astronomy #national parks service

[starwrought]

sometimes i wonder how this place is real, it looks like a painting

#suomi #finland #photography #landscape #mist #fog #nature #trees #sunset #clouds #green #< trying to be more organised with tagging

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Why didn’t they let me be a child? I want to be a child now, and I can’t be, so it burns up inside of me, all this anger, something that I can’t stop. I was continuously denied the opportunity to be anything but exactly what they wanted. They didn’t get that anyway, so what a waste. All that time spent trying to turn me into someone I wasn’t, and it didn’t help any of us.

#cptsd #child abuse #ptsd #ex cult #controlling parents #my writing

[starwrought]

I say, I want to die, I want to die. What I mean is I want to fall asleep and wake up somewhere where there are no consequences.

There is no great pain or sorrow, no unspeakable sadness; I just want to sleep.

#cptsd #depression #writing #suicide ideation #ptsd