Even before COVID hit, I was having some major difficulty keeping a routine. When I think back to freshman year of college and the habits that I kept consistently and kept track of, there was a discipline there that I don’t think I’ve had since. I also gained a lot of weight that year (freshman 15? More like freshman 30), and then the following summer I had an unfortunate bout of depression and lost it by eating close to nothing. I’m also rather scrawny. I don’t have any muscle mass, my TMJ makes my face look a little lopsided, and my skincare is lacking, to say the least.
I went to the doctor a couple of months ago because I have really poor circulation in my legs. My feet get purple/cold very, very easily, to the point where I’m embarrassed when I wear sandals. Anyways, she told me I needed to start exercising more and get some cardio in. I have not done that. My water intake is super low. I don’t have the discipline to get out of bed on time even when I’m not tired. I’ve been neglecting my bible too, which normally gives me a lot of joy and comfort. I’ve even put off re-dying my roots for weeks even though my natural blonde is really visible against the brown.
And I can’t stand any of this about myself. I hate that I don’t have the self-discipline to exercise or drink water or get up on time. And the truth is, I hate the lack of discipline more than I hate the fact that I feel like my body is weak and looking prepubescent.
What I’m scared of, more than anything, is that I’m about to say that I’m going to commit to a Chloe Ting challenge and drink more water and consistently wake up at 6 for the rest of the week, and then I’ll just quit. Not just take a cheat day, but quit and then never get back to it. That is what I have done every time I have made a weird announcement like this and I don’t even have the confidence right now to say that I won’t do it again.
Plan:
Complete Blogilates’ 28-day workout plan for beginners
Consistently drink 68 oz of water a day for the whole 28 days
Wake up at 6 a.m. on the weekdays, 7 a.m. on the weekends.
Starting next weekend (March 21), meal prep for the following week.
I’m sharing all of this here really for two reasons: I know that there are others out there who are feeling the pandemic AND academic burnout who might get a little comfort from this, and because I am really hoping for some accountability, with this being on a public forum. Here’s to me being who I’m supposed to be!(?)
For the past year, bordering on two, I have not been active on here except as a lurker, and even then, tumblr has been an app that takes up a little space on my phone. I don’t get on here ever anymore, and while I miss it, I also think that having a studyblr and buying into this idea that I needed to grind and grind and grind allowed me to pretend for too long that I still wanted to be a doctor. I was stuck on a career path that I knew deep down that I did not want anymore, and my decision to drop premed and focus on my biology degree without showcasing my notes or my desk or how productive I was allowed me to appreciate biology for what it is.
And now, with COVID and the fact that I have no idea whether I want to go into research or academia, I am heavily considering taking a gap year...or five. What if I spent my twenties as a research assistant in a lab and paid off at least some of my student loans and then go to grad school? Or what if I decide after I get my bachelors in biology that I love advocacy more than research and want to get a degree in social work so that I can work in the disability community?
All of that being said, I believe that maybe it’s a good idea to start being active on here again. I have so much love for this community and it did make me feel proud of the things that I was doing. So, hi tumblr. I’m back.
stop believing that you ran out of time to shape yourself into who you want to be! stop believing that its ruined! stop believing you don't have potential! you are not a fixed being! you have endless opportunities to grow.
Opposite the Louvre, after the rain
Walked to clear my thoughts, to semi-success. Eh, some days you just gotta appreciate the pretty architecture instead
This afternoon I made cinnamon rolls, made some final touches on my June spread, mopped, and did laundry and dishes. I'm about to go on a quick run before I go nanny the kids for a few hours.
I'm expecting June to be my "reset" month! I want to post more, read more, exercise more, and be more kind and considerate. I plan on shadowing this summer and getting more clinical experience, as well as planning out Disability Inclusion and Awareness's fall semester plan.
I can honestly go from feeling like I’m a true idiot and that I don’t deserve to go to Uni and become a doctor in one minute, and then turn on bluegrass music about enduring the hard times and it’s like magic. Seriously. I just found my “you’ve got this” song.