sorenthestoryteller

[sorenthestoryteller]

I think it's beautiful and fitting for Transgender Day of Visibility to fall on Easter Sunday.

A day my faith celebrates resurrection, healing, and the transforming power of Love.

There is no room for hate or bigotry if you want to follow Jesus.

#TransgenderDayofVisibility #EasterSunday #Christian #Christianity #faith #hope #love #hatred #bigotry #Jesus #the path of Christ

[sorenthestoryteller]

"Beneath the stains of time The feelings disappear You are someone else I am still right here

What have I become My sweetest friend Everyone I know Goes away in the end

And you could have it all My empire of dirt I will let you down I will make you hurt"

-Nine Inch Nails, "Hurt" ('Another Version of the Truth,' 2009

#Nine Inch Nails #NIN #Hurt #Another Version of the Truth #and you could have it all #my empire of dirt #I will let you down #I will make you hurt #music #Trent Reznor #Youtube

[sorenthestoryteller]

Psalm 15 - A Meditation

"O Lord, who may abide in your tent?     Who may dwell on your holy hill?"

-Psalm 15:1

So, things I struggle with faith wise: 1.) The idea of God referring to themselves in some kind of parental role because of how awful parents can be.

2.) Learning to abide. Having to learn to be patient and not running around and learning how to breath and calm down... are all so freaking frustrating.

So, this struggle means learning to accept love and learning to shut up so I can be loved.

Yay.

Now I just have to figure out how to do that while being kind to myself.

#Psalm 15 #Christian #Christianity #faith #TW: Religion #tw: christianity #tw: faith

[sorenthestoryteller]

Psalm 14 - A Meditation

"Fools say in their hearts, ‘There is no God.’     They are corrupt, they do abominable deeds;     there is no one who does good."

-Psalm 14:1

So I find this verse interesting for a multitude of reasons.

1.) This is directed at those who have first hand experienced God in a non deniable way.

2.) This verse gets manipulated and used to abuse people who have never had a positive experience related to God, much less religion.

3.) I think I have a larger number of people who are agnostic or atheists I have respect for than I do Christians. Part of it is just so many awful church related experiences, but I can at least appreciate someone who is brave enough to be honest.

4.) Sometimes I wish I could leave this faith thing behind despite what I have seen, felt, and experienced. I don't think God resents any of us who need a break from... this stuff. Not taking breaks leads to burn out and self harm... and I am so tired of that path.

In an ideal world, we could have better dialogue and conversation regardless of beliefs. It would be nice to be able to disagree and show respect and love. It would also be nice if emotion could be taken as is and not taken in the worst way... but it is the internet.

#Psalm 14 #Christian #Christianity #faith #hope #prayer #tw: Christian #tw: faith

[sorenthestoryteller]

Psalm 13 - A Meditation

"How long..." "How long..." "How long..."

-Psalm 13, 1a, 2a

That is a question I keep asking because I don't know.

I think I know how to pray but I keep finding out that I end up without words. Emotions and thoughts will sometimes spill forward, maybe even resonate but so often it comes down to just not knowing.

It's not enough for me.

It's reality, but when has that stopped me?

Faith isn't just about an end, but how we get there, so maybe I can find...

#Psalm 13 #Christianity #faith #hope #tw: christianity #tw: religion #tw: faith #pray #prayer

[sorenthestoryteller]

Don't know why I am so shocked to find Tumblr has such a number of people with gun hero fetishes.

Just ick.

I wouldn't be opposed to actual dialogue, but it's never a give or take. It just is the same damn script that has lead to no positive developments... so double down.

Ick.

[sorenthestoryteller]

Psalm 12 - A Meditation

The promises of the Lord are promises that are pure,     silver refined in a furnace on the ground,     purified seven times."

-Psalm 12:6

"Forged in the Fire" as it were.

#Psalm 12 #christianity #tw: christianity #tw: religion #tw: faith #faith

[sorenthestoryteller]

Psalm 11 - A Meditation

"In the Lord I take refuge; how can you say to me,     ‘Flee like a bird to the mountains;"

-Psalm 11:1

I don't have any stunning thoughts or ideas other than I just need to better figure out this taking refuge thing...

#Psalm 11 #Christianity #faith #tw: christianity #tw: faith

[sorenthestoryteller]

Psalm 10 - A Meditation

" Why, O Lord, do you stand far off?     Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble? In arrogance the wicked persecute the poor—     let them be caught in the schemes they have devised."

-Psalm 10:1-2

** ** ** ** **

I'll be the first to say I am tired of being sick, feeling lost, and being full of uncertainty. Would be nice to mark those three things off a list and never experience them again. Yet, these don't cause me that much of a struggle with God.

What weirdness is it that the suffering of others tends to upset me more than my own suffering?

Once again, I would so much to not have this kind of worry, stress, and pain. Yet to be human is to experience a full range including bad things, so my doubt comes in having to see others hurt. I say this so confidently but knowing my luck...

Maybe the only thing more frustrating than God using parental terms is reality being shattered in such a way that we take suffering for granted. It's not enough that the suffering of others upsets me, but I think it is important we let bad things drive us to be our best selves. Honestly, I kind of hate how Jesus is expecting Christians to be representative of The Kingdom when we can't even get our own lives situated.

But, Truth being a journey, Christians living as The Kingdom makes sense in light of reality. I still think it's dumb, the same way that I have to actively question the wisdom of many healthy things tasting awful. Or Jeremy Clarkson having a career.

So, having to face reality, it is hard sometimes to just trust. I get that is also a part of faith and love... but sometimes, oh sometimes...

#faith #christianity #religion #tw: christianity #tw: religion #tw: faith #Psalm 10 #The Kingdom #Truth is a journey

[sorenthestoryteller]

Psalm 9 - A Meditation

"The Lord is a stronghold for the oppressed,     a stronghold in times of trouble."

-Psalm 9:9

** ** ** ** **

Strongholds only work if they are purposefully being utilized. Relationships only grow and deepen when there is an intentional pursuit. Considering this seems to be where God would use a metaphor of a parent, I kind of get it but don't at the same time. Not that I know everything, but parents as an analogy only work if said parents are actually decent humans.

Part of my exhaustion with Christian culture is how local churches have been twisted into something meant to keep people out of, as opposed to being a safe place for inviting. The fear that drives isolationism is the kind of fear used to stoke hatred. This fear can't coexist with love because eventually one will destroy the other.

#christian #christianity #psalm 9 #tw: religion #tw: christianity #faith #stonghold

[sorenthestoryteller]

Psalm 8 - A Meditation

"When I look at your heavens, the work of your fingers,     the moon and the stars that you have established;  what are human beings that you are mindful of them,     mortals[a] that you care for them?"

-Psalm 8:3-4

It feels rare I can appreciate poetry from the Bible because of how often the translation kills the artistic intention.

I don't want to lose the meaning of the feeling by overanalyzing or reading things into it... sometimes poetry can be beautiful and true.

#Psalm 8 #Christianity #religion #tw: christianity #tw: religion

[sorenthestoryteller]

Psalm 7 - A Meditation

O Lord my God, in you I take refuge;     save me from all my pursuers, and deliver me,  or like a lion they will tear me apart;     they will drag me away, with no one to rescue."

-Psalm 7:1-2

** ** ** ** **

First, I think this may be the first time I've managed a week of this kind of prayer/meditation for years... at least seven.

Which is wild.

There isn't this legalistic demand, just this desire to try and meet, connect, to think, to express... to try and find a way to connect when there is this huge hole within. I know this can't fix me, but I do think it can help me find beauty, wonder, and hope when I want to run. So instead of running away, alot of this effort is maintaining and Being... but Love does something else.

** ** ** ** **

So, to the Psalm.

I don't feel that I have anything in terms of a major revelation or thoughts to share, but taking refuge is active. Sheltering, taking defense, finding a place of protection all require action. Having been alive this long, I have a good idea of what horrors are wanting me dead.

My anxiety, depression, OCD, and collection of unsorted neurosis all try to pull me under.

Besides the normal spiritual practices that have been a mix of helpfulness, I think the healthiest thing I have managed to do in recent years is spend time with people who care about my well being. That is a variety pack of differing things, but end result is someone who loves me will encourage me to do what is healthy. That shouldn't feel so simple, but it is, although i sitll have such a ways to go...

Therapy is something in which I need to invest more time. A plus side is medication seems to help, especially as I am remembering to take it on the regular. So, maybe building better healthy relationships can do more than I thought or cared to think of...

It's easy to try and blame God or expect God to do magical things when so much is clearly on ourselves. It's not a ridiculously stupid notion as "God helps those who help themselves," because we are unable to do that much. Instead, it's more of a t least trying and somehow it sometimes works somehow... which I admit isn't an award winning formula, but there isn't a formula to life.

So, the best advice I can give tot hose struggling with mental illness, find people who love you as you are but care enough to help you push and become the best you that is possible.

#Psalm 7 #tw: religion #tw: christianity #tw: depression #tw: anxiety #anxiety #depression #christianity #faith #meditaiton #hope #one step at a time #one day at a time

[sorenthestoryteller]

Psalm 6 - A Meditation

"deliver me for the sake of your steadfast love."

-Psalm 6:4 b

** ** ** ** **

Delivery doesn't have to be huge, big, "Ten Commandments" with Chuck Heston delivery.

Sometimes, most of the time, it's a delivery from something personal and existential. Like endless anxiety and deep depression. Especially when it's been a near lifetime of suffering.

Love does a lot. Even when it makes no sense. Especially when it lacks logic and is directed at this darkness.

I do wish there was a magic relief or magic healing or something. But, reality is reality, even with wishes and hopes.

I don't know.

There is at least something in admitting that.

#Psalm 6 #tw: religion #tw: christianity #tw: axniety #tw: depression #anxiety #depression #faith

[sorenthestoryteller]

Nothing says "successful day full of writing" quite like a major panic attack!

Hooray!

#Hooray #anxiety #panic attack #tw: anxiety #tw: panic attack #writing #a writer's life for me

[sorenthestoryteller]

One of the worst feelings in the world: when you are just desperate, like claw-your-own-skin-off desperate, to create, but the only thing that even vaguely appeals to you to work on is a nebulous half-feeling that might be dreamily related to some half-formed notion of a concept. I must! Make! No thing! Only make!

#sigh #yeah I get this #too damn well #a writer's life for me #writing #creating

[sorenthestoryteller]

#writing #can't argue with that #even if i wanted to #a writer's life for me #but really #this is true #I have a specific editor who does this

[sorenthestoryteller]

So, something I realize that has taken maybe 15 years is that I don't have writer's block.

I have crippling depression and anxiety that burn out what little energy my chronic pain doesn't claim.

So often it feels like what I am able to accomplish happens quite literally despite myself, but hey, at least I don't need an archnemesis?

#a writer's life for me #writing #writer's block #writing block #depression #anxiety #tw: depression #tw: anxiety #chronic pain #tw: chronic pain