somniferumia

[somniferumia]

I spent hours under the hot water

Removing his mark, his scent

Still the ghost of his touch lingers

Still I feel so dirty, so obscene

#personal #journal

[somniferumia]

I felt like I was in danger of vanishing, though at the same time the feelings I had were so raw and overwhelming that I often wished I could find a way of losing myself altogether, perhaps for a few months, until the intensity diminished.

Olivia Laing

#personal #journal

[somniferumia]

“I wanted nothing more than to collapse into a puddle on the bathroom floor and lie there for the rest of the day. Perhaps forever.”

#personal #journal

[somniferumia]

5.30 a.m. and still wide awake. Too anxious to sleep. I felt I wanted to sleep and not wake up again just so today wouldn’t happen.

I want to skip this day. I want the clock to stop ticking. I want the time to get frozen. But alas those are impossible.

In the end, I’ve gotta do what I need to do to survive. Just like I always do. I just hope I don’t lose myself and can still recognize the real me, one that is always hidden away just so I can survive here in this place.

So now I just keep telling myself. Bear it. Survive it. And maybe someday I can finally start being alive. Maybe.

#personal #journal

[somniferumia]

My vegan leather notebook is finally here~ o(^▽^)o This is the first time I've ever purchased a fountain pen friendly notebook, and I'm so excited to write on it! I really love its harbor color, and I really love the feeling of touching the cover and the papers. I'm still a bit apprehensive to even write my name because I feel like my handwriting can't do this notebook justice yet lol

#book #notebook #leather journal #vegan leather #new purchase #personal #journal

[somniferumia]

A Year with Snekies 🐍

A year ago, a friend and I were kind of talking about how expensive it was to build a PC. Then she was like, you could just buy a monitor and connect your laptop to it, and you could also buy other peripherals. And I was like, wait what we could do that?

(Yes, noob me always thought that we needed a full PC to do that.) Good thing she told me all about it, honestly, else I'd keep swimming in the sea of ignorance lol

Now it's been a year and I'm still in love with my setup. I know some people think Razer is too overpriced or that we can get better setup with different brand within the same price range. But for me, it's not about that. Razer is snake, and snake is my favorite animal.

It's as simple as that. I can't have snakes as pets, but I can have them as my peripherals. And I've gotta say, it's been such an emotionally satisfying year with these snekies~  🐍

#personal #journal #16

[somniferumia]

One of the things I’m currently mad at myself is, that I’ve lost my weight too much just within a few months, after three years of working hard to maintain it above fifty.

#journal #personal

[somniferumia]

when Sharon Olds said "If I pass a mirror, I turn away, I do not want to look at her, and she does not want to be seen."

#reblog #personal

[somniferumia]

Lately you’ve been coming into my dreams again.

I guess it’s still the same for me, that during my darkest hours, you’re still my safe place.

After all, you are the only one whose touches I’ve ever welcomed, craved even.

I know I can easily message you.

We still have each other’s contact after all.

But it just feels hard for me to do so.

I see you’ve already moved on with your life after all, living in another city, building a family with a man you love and a son you both have.

While I’m still stuck here.

I guess I’m feeling ambivalent.

I don’t want you to be my safe place anymore.

But if you weren’t, then I wouldn’t have any safe space at all.

#personal #journal #10

[somniferumia]

A letter to you;

Hi,

I imagine that sometimes you still check my social media. Check here to see how I am. I hope you do, so if you read this. Hi. I’m okay, I feel better than I ever have. But I miss you sometimes, there’s so much I wish I could tell you about. I don’t think about you everyday anymore, but it still hits me that you are gone and my heart hurts.

The worst part about losing you was losing a best friend. I wish I could call you and tell you about her, tell you about my new friends and the new tattoos.

But I know I can’t, we need to move on. To learn to be an independent person, need to learn how to love other people, need to love ourselves. But I hope you are okay, happy and healthy.

I hope you found a new stile that fits you, I hope you smile with your teeth and I hope you laugh loudly with no shame. I hope you embrace yourself and who you truly are.

Forever yours,

-

[somniferumia]

It’s been years and I’m still not ready for the incoming emotional roller coaster this week.

(I know it’s coming; it’s always been this way for so long.)

Can I just sleep for the rest of my life this month instead?

#personal #journal #when you know smth bad is coming #and you can’t do anything about it

[somniferumia]

yeah i understand women. they all want daggers and swords. it’s quite simple really

#reblog #personal #queue #yess #i love me some daggers

[somniferumia]

maybe when i say i have a bad memory what i mean is           just that.                            i’m filled on bad memories. [brain replays the departure] i, more hollow i, more abandoned:                                           memory works in association.                                           you will always associate two together. maybe my brain can’t unwind love from     [            ] can’t dissociate the building of a home from the breaking of an entryway. don’t know what it is to get lost in someone and not lose yourself. falling [in love] and falling. perhaps by not remembering i am protecting myself. perhaps forgetting is self-preservation.

when i meet someone, i ask them to tell me their name. i say it aloud hoping it’ll stay, hoping they’ll stay. i can’t recall if anyone ever did.

— Porsha Olayiwola, from “Memory / Loss,” i shimmer sometimes, too

#reblog #beautiful words #queue

[somniferumia]

Being infected is good to repel people who want to see you and can’t take no for answer 😏

Too bad this reason can only hold for 2 weeks.

(Yes, they should make self-isolation lasts longer.)

#personal #journal

[somniferumia]

Adonis, Selected Poems; “Music” (tr. Khaled Mattawa)

#reblog #beautiful words

[somniferumia]

Where do you live?

Not to be poetic but truly, really, inside my head

#reblog #personal #queue

[somniferumia]

Me and My Supervisor Me: Sir, my rapid test result just came back positive. Him: You shouldn't attend the event tomorrow then. Confirm it to your instructor for the next step.

Me and the Instructor Me: Sir, the supervisor told me that I shouldn't attend the event tomorrow because my result just came back positive. What should I do for tomorrow event? Him: My result just came back positive too. I'll ask the supervisor about what we should do tomorrow. Me: ...

#lmao #et tu brute #i don't use meme often but this situation really calls for it #good thing i've undergone self-isolation since like.. forever #personal #journal