Tumgik
sacredxhell · 11 months
Text
This crappy app isn’t where I saw myself posting from at 27.
27. What a number.
Unit 27. The age I lost the only home I knew. The birthday I realised I can be exceptional and mediocre and happy. The date of my anniversary with my ex. The day of august 5 years ago where I last was with my beloved Jack before being torn away from him. My lucky number. The one that seems to bring change and turn pages into new chapters. The age my childhood hell has been sold in. The age I’ll be when I go back to America. The age I fell back in love with cars. The age I think I’ve got it figured out that I’ll never have it figured out and that that’s the best part of thinking you’ve figured things out. The age I’ve faced the most speed-bumps internally and overcome them.
I hope this number gives me grace. I hope this number gives me luck. I hope this number gives me comfort and excitement and trust.
1 note · View note
sacredxhell · 3 years
Text
What could I create that would be worse than our fears incarnate?
To give weight to the frivolous drivel that comes from a moment of turbulent insecurity, to let it pass would be to be problem-less in a world who’s meaning is valued by the weight it lays onto me.
In a moment of weakness I pray for strength by falling onto my knees, and in this very moment I give in to my primal need; making words out of thoughts from a brain so broken that it bleeds.
I summon an apology of weight; but it is destroyed behind my teeth- like my tongue can’t twist itself to do the simple dance of making something beautiful out of genuineness. Every syllable tarnished by fear of not being a soul who is worthy of belief.
The irony of believing that my power is born of stupidity will never fail to astound me so... ever so fittingly.
Tears dry before they fall, as I utter- a feeble “sorry”, who’s meaning loses matter with each stutter. I grew it with love, tended to every bud and thorn, but as doubt flows through, petals fall and so does the dirt it grew from as I utter.
Repetition is so beautiful in poetry and words, until it resonates in us like a squatter making a home out of a house, and like the drop of a pin and crack of a cinderblock we fear that our fears have been heard. I best start to believe in a god who saves- for a god of my fears is all I am.
Before we can stop the thoughts from being said, they’ve already manifested in shades of red, behind bloodshot eyes and lips that give away nothing but occasional lovelorn sighs- and after all those lips have said and danced and trembled in abstinence- breath is more than enough.
Forethoughts forlorn to become what we wish to never face. Like a shadow cast by approaching light, so grows the irony of no escaping the truths that we hear and those in which we resonate.
For if I see it within my mind, if I believe it it is my reality, for my life is lived through no rose glazed eyes, all I perceive from my windows is truth and it is dreadfully alive.
Repetition, repetition. Like prayer with no religion. Like begging for help when no god stands before or above you and grasping for hope and gasping for lie tinted truths when nothing else will reassure you and holding your breath and becoming a monstrosity of your nightmarish self that you fear is nothing but the most unloveable creature to exist yet is simultaneously behemoth and yet so feebly meaningless - all because you bought into the fear that your love will never adore you.
Abhorrent, abhorrent, absolute horror at the thought of losing something you never even felt in your grasp.
The fear of never truly holding a love born of truth.
If reality is only perception and survival is perseverance the only argument that the monsters are not real if they’re in our heads is nothing but fallacy.
Anchored in the Dead Sea yet still sinking- like a held and cherished pebble skipped and betrayed by moments of joyously feeling free.
An anchor knows no love for there is no love in these chains. No romantic analogy to be had between a situational stalemate and every space between, whose emptiness is filled with aches and pains.
An amalgamation of every crack in the corners of your heart and the chill in every dark corner of your brain.
Hearts aware of nothing but Ironclad truths and history too ugly to name.
Like the air from calm lungs being exhaled, we can argue all night that it’s only one more breath away from a gale. And so we do, and a hurricane we lay so restlessly in the eye of.
Just how they say you reap what you sow- there’s only seconds between what we do and do not know.
Our world is small and between our colossal power lies a centre of gravity, so, in a moment of monologue let me say, of course your mind’s every movement will too, affect me.
To be so bold to assume schrödinger’s effect in the form of emotion would happen between you and I - a sense of disbelief passes me by; and so it passes like an atom flying through matter that can only come to form through thoughts where matter holds weight.
How lucky I am to not believe in it being reciprocated.
Behind the black hole that lay between you and I, how much of that matter can I create before it weighs me down to die?
How much of that matters; what I do create?
8 notes · View notes
sacredxhell · 3 years
Text
May 27, 2021.
When you looked at me, I felt nothing.
When you walked away, I felt it all.
I keep trying to find a way around it, be it gifts and letters or screaming from a rooftop.
It’s a loss with no death;
A grief with no stages.
You move on,
And I am stagnant.
How can I move when I’m in the same place you left me with no closure or hope within my body?
These medications keep my eyes flittering during the days and closed at night,
They keep my heart in tact and my brain inside of my skull.
That paper keeps me safe, but from what?
I never asked for this; I never wanted this.
I wanted my best friend back,
I had hope for that.
I prayed with my hands together and pryed yours open with intangible claws;
For the weight of my chain to strain my own blistered palms once again-
Just to find that that was the only part of me you ever held.
And now I reach out my hand to yours which finally reaches back-
And I feel the cold press of bars encasing my shoulder;
The space between us couldn’t be more barren.
When you looked at me, I felt hope.
When you walked away; I lost it all.
5 notes · View notes
sacredxhell · 3 years
Text
You make me feel like I want to, fall off, the world.
You make me want to, swallow your pearls.
You make me feel, like I never have.
You make me feel; and I couldn’t be less glad.
You make me want to close my eyes.
You make me want to keep them closed in the storm.
You make me want to walk across a main road at night.
You make me set myself on fire to keep you warm.
You make me bend to all your wills.
You make me forget the way I once had my own.
You make me break my stupid back.
You make me wish I was alone.
You keep on taking, taking, taking.
You keep on taking more than I have.
You keep on asking for praise, for all that I’m making.
You keep on breaking, breaking, breaking.
You keep on taking, taking, taking.
You keep on breaking, breaking, breaking.
You keen on taking, taking and hating.
You tell me you love me, but you, don’t feel it.
You tell me things to, make me, believe it.
You tell me you’re trying, but you’re just, lying.
You tell me you’re changing, but you, keep chasing.
Things to fill the void that, someone, created.
A void like mine that I filled with, things that, are worth saving.
You keep on stealing, more than you need.
To try to fill the hole that you don’t see.
Oh let me go, go, go.
Oh let me go, go, go.
I hope you grow, grow, grow.
I can’t keep watching your show, show, show.
You understand but you don’t care to know.
4 notes · View notes
sacredxhell · 3 years
Text
I hear the sirens; my hands are tied.
I breathe the silence, every night.
I dream of nightmares, when I’m awake.
I dream of sweet dreams, that you can’t take.
I can’t escape.
You talk in circles, I run the crops.
You speak instructions, I grieve the loss.
I know the silence, echoes in my head.
I know violence, oh god I’m dead.
I’m too scared.
I feel the pain, you smell my fear.
Warm open arms, chill me from here.
I don’t mistake, what’s give and what’s take.
You give demands, and destroy all at stake.
You take my love,
You give me hate.
8 notes · View notes
sacredxhell · 3 years
Text
Close grasp,
Iron cast,
Shacked to hackles,
Crashing seas break the mast.
Mask it away,
Drown it with sound.
How many times,
Will you stick around?
Paint me red with love, with a brush of hate.
Blessed I am to stand before you.
Paint me crimson with glory, standing before me,
Blessed I am, to be a fractured statue.
Chip my teeth, fill my mouth with dirt,
Stray, stay, stray, stay,
Breathe through the rock,
Iron lung could never hurt.
Don’t you know?
Don’t they know?
The flowers that I have been graced to grow?
A bed of roses within my ribs.
Rip the pettiest petals from the buds,
Patch up the holes with palms of mud.
I am adored, I am adored.
Harden the stems,
Thorns pierce through the aorta,
I am blessed, I am blessed.
Ribs cracked down, broken to meal,
Isn’t it nice to know how it feels?
Something truly came from it all, nothing of me goes to waste.
Precious earth, precious air,
Breathless lungs,
Split my skin to be fair.
Precious dirt, precious hair,
Cut the tongue,
I’m blessed to have this fruit to bare.
8 notes · View notes
sacredxhell · 4 years
Text
It’s been three years since you were my only one.
Count my lucky stars that you warmed me like the sun.
My nights were so cold, before I felt your warmth,
Like a fire ignited, we grew into so much more.
You found the smile I thought I’d lost,
Pulled it out from my pit and drew it on my face.
You coloured the life I was grieving,
Showed me it would be okay.
You walked into better days, never let go of my hand.
We walked through life in a different way,
Than we could ever understand.
I am not whole without you.
I am not whole without you.
My heart doesn’t wonder,
Sometimes it can be an open home.
Too much love to hold inside,
No fear of being alone.
I know my place and virtues,
I know people come and go,
And I can say for certain,
Without you it has no home.
I am not whole without you.
I am not whole without you.
I am not whole without you,
I am not whole without you.
Your skin has a scent I will never smell away from your arms.
There’s pieces of me that your hands held, that nobody else will ever know.
I know your voice from the centre of the world,
And my soul knows if you’re well or in need of being held.
I declared my love to you,
I would paint it in the sky,
We don’t need cherubs to shoot,
My heart knows yours and yours knows mine.
You’re the sun in my sky,
You’re the morning glory rays,
And I know that as long as you’re alive,
I can always be okay.
I am not whole without you.
I am not whole without you.
I am not whole without you,
I am not whole without you.
Time has not changed the affliction between us,
But life has pushed and pulled, and fear grows you’ll leave us.
You’re more than I could ever have dreamt of being in my life,
I know that as far as love goes, a heart can’t be made whole just by being someone’s wife.
You’re so much more than I could ask for in a counterpart to me,
Soulmates may be so cliché, but there’s no other way to describe what I believe.
I’ll grow old with a place in my heart, taken by none other than you,
I know somewhere even when we’re apart, I have a place just like that too.
Because, I am not whole without you.
I am not whole without you,
I’ll know you, love and keep you beyond my grave,
I could never be whole, if life took you away.
I am not whole without you.
I am not whole without you.
I am not whole without you.
I am not whole without you.
0 notes
sacredxhell · 4 years
Text
Put the gun to my head but don’t pull the trigger,
Hold it there as I dance the fence but when I fall I hit neither,
Side of the ground and find nothing greener,
Than the sound of nothingness and the absence that lingers.
Void of my problems,
Void of my memories,
Empty of words,
That always rung in my ears.
My blood is poison,
And it pumps through my veins.
Toxicity rising, it’s rotting out my brain.
The things that I felt,
Pushed inside like a child’s fingers in clay.
No sense of direction,
Just leaving mess to stay.
A temporary pain like a slow beating heart,
Throbbing like the lump in my throat as I say it’s all alright.
I’m over it, I’m done.
The silence that follows,
As honest as I come.
Because everything knows,
That I haven’t won,
Against the hurricane of thoughts,
That follows where I run.
I’m stuck in here,
Trapped like vermin fooled,
Always learn the hard way,
Never trust you.
Tear the flesh off my back and the rope from my throat like you ever cared for the words that pass it.
Like my tongue was ever good for more than making problems out of bastards.
I’m wrapped up in my problems and every finger that has held mine,
Trapped in a net of expectations and bleeding out as I cut ties.
6 notes · View notes
sacredxhell · 4 years
Text
I talked to the currawong, today.
He cantillated “follow on the path; you might be okay.”
I looked to the sky, tonight.
The stars twinkled back; one day things might be alright.
I put my cheek against the sandy strait, and she delivered my tears of woe to the one who gives us life
“The moon is full of power, she changes all, and yet is consistent every night”.
How can we call it chaos,
When watching the sun rise?
We know the quantum theories,
And if we want the future we must seek history.
How can’t we call it destiny,
When it all falls into place.
How can’t we call it fate,
When we’re made and broken by what we face.
I looked for the light,
And the silver lining shon.
It shined like I’d imagined,
That hope would have felt; had it come.
I sought out every flower,
That I could smell and witness bloom,
Just to be reminded with a painful shot,
That I took my chances too soon.
I take each step as it comes,
As they told me that I should.
And it got harder before it got better,
Just as they told me that it would.
But who’s tongue may pass the waters of pleasantries for truth.
Sometimes life befalls us,
And sometimes there’s nothing we can do.
How can I kick, when I’ve no oxygen to spare.
Carrying the weight of the world on broken arms,
Immersed by the void left by those who cared.
Too focused on trying to stay afloat,
To spare a finger to blame.
Just hope they use their starry fate,
For thanks that I’ve no air to speak their names.
I know I’ve been forsaken,
Broken, wronged and used.
And I know my hands are not clean of blood,
But I’ve lost faith that anything can outweigh the sickness of lies or the late comings of truth.
10 notes · View notes
sacredxhell · 4 years
Text
I’ve never been one to go through with the goodbye.
Always seeking closure; I still expect I’ll never find.
In truth all I long to do is close my eyes,
And not be in confinement with my mind.
I used to escape so many times,
Bottles and pills, keep me in with my desk facing the back wall to do the lines.
Never though I’d have to be told twice, or even once,
Let alone, every time, I open the lids on these heavy eyes.
“You’re alive”, “thank god you’re okay”.
Thank God you could do something, Thank God you got here to save me;
But you don’t have to live with this every day.
“I’m so glad you’re here to stay”,
Icy nitrate mist seething around the gums that tightly hold my teeth, in between each breath my lungs take; in my heart I feel the decay.
I’m a zombie at best-
A walking ghost, with a heart of glass wedged in my chest.
It’s the weight I wearily bare-
Thought I’d be gone by now, that I would’ve been freed from this despair.
I hoped for clarity, so that I could find hope again,
But enduring all the all things that have been done to me,
When I found reality I ran.
But there’s no escaping these walls, I’m trapped in fear,
Y’all say you’re glad that I’m okay-
But I’m really not safe in here.
7 notes · View notes
sacredxhell · 4 years
Text
Born with a noose around my neck,
Put me up on a pedestal,
So I can kick it over when you most need me to stick around.
Feel my soles in the air and all the pins and needles that aren't there,
As I'm gasping for another breath that I pray that I won't catch.
Just like another year down,
Another tally mark on my wrist,
It's been a while now,
It's not getting better than this.
Week to week,
Day to day,
Second to second,
Take me away.
I said I'm getting better,
Tell me again, I know.
But I'm not seeing any progress,
I'm just wanting to let go.
The fear of giving up has taken after hope and gone,
They've run away, Romeo and Juliet, they're not coming home.
I'm not a home for love anymore,
Just an empty house.
Even my foundations are cracked,
And nobody comes around.
But they'll break the windows and come inside,
And they'll say they didn't,
They'll vandalise and lie.
I'm a squat for deceit and abuse,
Count myself lucky my walls are still of use.
I'm more empty than I can imagine,
My thoughts aren't there and I've no aspirations to fathom.
2 notes · View notes
sacredxhell · 4 years
Text
He was chased 2.1 miles on bike. The murderer chased him in a stolen car.
I look on google maps. I hit next on street view. I hit next on street view. I turn the camera. I think of what he could have been thinking. I hit next on street view. I see the church. I turn the camera. I think of where his body fell. I think of where his head hit the asphalt. I hit back on street view. I hit back on street view. I look at the road. I look at the turn offs. I look at his photo. I try to come to terms with it.
I turn it around.
I hit next on street view.
I move past where he died.
I hit next on street view.
I see the trees he should have seen.
I see the houses he should have passed.
I hit next on street view.
I turn the camera.
The church is in the far distance.
I hit next on street view.
I move past the next street.
My heart drags coarsly behind my thoughts.
I hit next on street view.
Shrodinger is mundane.
I hit next on street view.
I virtually understand shards of thought of the indescribable pain of the reality.
I hit next on street view.
The church is gone.
I hit next on street view.
I hit next on street view.
I hit next on street view.
He never made it this far.
I turn it around.
2.8 miles.
Click.
2.7 miles.
Click.
2.6 miles.
Click.
2.5 miles.
2.4 miles.
2.3 miles.
2.2 miles.
What did he think of?
I stop at 2.1 miles.
How fast did he ride?
I stay at 2.1 miles.
What shook his breath?
The tiredness?
The thinning air at 2am?
Was it the smoke from the last draw of his last cigarette?
The anger or anxiety?
Was it the sigh of the thought of a soft bed awaiting?
Was it the feeling of being followed?
Was it the knowledge of being followed?
I think, looking at the thin blue line; the destination set at 2.1 miles.
How many thoughts does one get to have within 10 minutes?
2.1 miles.
2.1 miles.
2.1 miles.
Pull.
Click.
8 notes · View notes
sacredxhell · 4 years
Text
I know if you were sent to hell you’d become the king.
If there is a heaven you’ve just gained wings.
Take me at 3am, take me down to where you rule.
Or come to me with feathers of power, come to me in my sleep.
I’d follow you into any darkness, not knowing where that darkness leads.
But religion, philosophy, our own beliefs, answer nothing for a coffin door with a lock but no key.
I want to know where you are and I want to feel you again.
Possess me and crush throat, take my lungs as your lover,
Or hold me as a friend.
I’m being selfish with my wants,
Because I can no longer ask your needs.
I’m left with too much to ponder,
Empty hands and a heart that bleeds.
I still hold your picture every night,
Stroke the glass of the frame like the skin of your face,
But it doesn’t have your scars,
And I’m destroyed by your fate.
2.1 miles you fled, and one month past 28 years you were gone,
I’m trying to come to grips with it,
But it all just feels so wrong.
I know you’d say it’s fitting,
But you’re not in my shoes.
Alive, beating, breathing,
Your mind knew everything that I knew.
But now I’m left with pictures,
Quiet memories and empty pews,
My soul was one with yours,
And now it’s been torn in two.
I’ll find ways to keep living,
Every day I’ll find ways to breathe life into the memories of you.
I have regrets I can’t begin to share, for they’ve become my cross.
But cross my heart; what we had was true and sacred,
And I’ll never stop loving you Drew.
11 notes · View notes
sacredxhell · 4 years
Text
He is so beautiful. I was so in love with him. We were oceans apart, but that’s all that could have ever stopped me giving my life to him- and it should have never stopped me.
He was murdered in July, I only found out in August.
I’m grieving so terribly. My heart feels like it will never be whole again.
Our souls spoke the same tongue. He was the yin to my yang and I was the Bonnie to his Clyde.
I have nothing of his but some photos printed out and today I’ve wanted to carry my favourite one of him around against my chest. It’s never enough.
I miss him so terribly. I love him so much. There’s nobody in the world like him and not physically being with him is my life’s greatest regret.
I keep hoping he will message me back. There’s a huge part of me that believes he will call me. I still believe I’ll hear his voice again, in the present time of which he speaks.
Today the pain feels so deep. Today I can’t stop thinking about every word he’s ever said to me. Today I can’t stop thinking about his smile. Today I’m seeing the moments we should have spent together. Today when I close my eyes I can see the moments beside him that I have longed for for over a decade.
Today I’m living my life still lost in his eyes and truly become so lost when I remember and realise that my arms will never know the true feeling of holding him.
I just want him back. I’d give anything to have him back.
He was so beautiful.
4 notes · View notes
sacredxhell · 4 years
Text
All bite, no bark. Cowardly, spineless with no love in your heart.
Leave open wounds for beds of venom- then claim your innocence and flaunt like you’re better.
No wonder you don’t see me anymore, a horse too high to defend or descend from.
Wax wings will fail you, before you know what you’ve become.
Nothing but a hydra with a hundred forked tongues,
Deprived of truth because it’s a hard pill to swallow and tough just isn’t you.
Crocodile tears from eyes that see all,
They don’t know what you are yet, but they will when you fall.
Let them love what you present that you are,
Time will tell of your trails of scars.
Enjoy the lime light whilst you gaslight and bask in the rays of broken lives left,
When your castle’s built on lies, the truth is that your identity is empty- nothing but theft.
So to all those who kiss the toes of the one you think you know- and regard them as one of truth and love.
It’s only a matter of your downfall when their true colours show, their picture perfect hands are covered in blood.
Lust, greed, pride, envy- there’s a reason your poison makes vengeful enemies.
0 notes
sacredxhell · 4 years
Text
Cupid; shoot not with another weapon. My soul was already there. Two living in another plane in one body, let this life be relived, both aware.
Let me fall. Let him catch. Another life, another life, another life, kindled flames become a Sun. The flames of hell blush a rosy red. Golden are we, beneath the moon. Golden are we, beneath the storm. Forged was our love in life, and carved in eternity in death.
I vow to kiss the altar with your soul in mine.
My spirit is yours eternal.
I love you. I love you. I love you.
8 notes · View notes
sacredxhell · 4 years
Text
Red light,
Green light,
Fires,
Night light,
Strung up,
Worn down,
Open crops,
Drains downtown.
Hold without hope,
Love knows no rope.
The heat holds no bounds,
The fire burns-
As the the rain pours down.
Holding hope,
Through hemispheres away,
I draw each breath near,
Like the oxygen once was held in you,
How much I long for the truth.
Close my eyes,
Draw you near,
Far away, loud and clear,
You told me I was dear to you,
Butterflies or doves; my heart flew.
A field of doe and fawns,
Bearing claws,
You come down without a sound,
Bearer of death, with wings of life,
Shoot your shot and let with the knife.
Skulls and bones, never knew,
Any hesitation from you,
Hunter cloaked by the night,
Bless those deep brown eyes and heart of light.
Love like no one ever knew,
Kiss and tell ain’t what we do,
I’ll hold you close in empty arms,
A world away, I wish they could stop all harm.
Two am, summer night,
I fell in love with a heart ticking right,
How could I know, how could you have known.
I’d give my left hand to be the one to catch you there.
To hold you closer than you’d ever felt,
I’d send my soul down the wishing well.
Let it just be another tale to tell,
I’d give my life to lay my body down as you fell.
To kiss your skin and stroke your hair,
Even back in time I could never make it there.
My love, my love, my love,
Beware.
4 notes · View notes