rynext

[rynext]

if i have to scrub poop particles from the fucking toilet bowl one more time!!! im gnna have to fucking kms!!!

[rynext]

goddddddddddddd i need this place i need this place i need this place i need this place i need this place i need this place. manifesting place on polk st with the sunlight and the 1 bed and itd be mine mine and it has a tub and plenty of space for me. and i hope i like it when i go view it. and its gated and protected and i have parking space and the neighborhood is cute and my neighbors are sweet and nice and itd be mine. and i get to decorate it exactly how i like and it doesnt drain my wallet dry or stress me out and the energy is renewed and its so fulfilling and ill have plenty of time to exprrience myself in it and ill know exactly when its time to move on and am able to as soon as possible and itd be mine and id have it full of plants and thered be a floofy lady companion and i get to invite all my friends over and host safe gatherings often and lovers can come thru to give me company and itd be warm and comfy and safe and mine!

[rynext]

sooooooo glad shit didnt end up permanently/longterm awkward between us and roomies. like i did not want that to fuse into something uncomfy esp bc that is all of our housing and we are friends outside of this !! and id love to keep that connection. i am so incredibly grateful for their care and support theyve extended to us and beyond that they are such beautiful people who try and i dont want to lose that. i totally respect their feelings too of overwhelm in the space and wanting their own space back because ive experienced that myself too and completely understand that feeling 😭 it just really sucksss its way before the time we had discussed and it feels like cycles are repeating with our housing and im just glad the new timeline already aligns with the new one i intended for myself! like im rlly glad that worked out !! and i hope the same can be worked out for pearl too :")

[rynext]

want my own friends want my own friends want my own friends. and i thought i was making them and then im back to square one. and like im happy theyve been able to find love and communion with the people i reached out to to start building that with especially with how many ppl we've lost in the last 2 years but i wanted them in my own world not our collective one again. and im trying to understand and validate that although part of the feelings feel like im a small child again with something being taken away from me or like wanting to go MINE MINE Mine..its not even like that. its literally just feeling like i dont have my individual identity anymore in our union and i think it is absolutely fucking healthy to have seperate shit and people and experiences in a relationship and as soon as i try and make that for myself it gets warped into being something i have to share. i just want some things for myself and idc if the feelings are showing up as childish with a little bit of panick like i dont have to always clean my emotions up and shape them into something mature as the only valid way to feel about things...and i can also still see that the actual root of the feeling is okay to have too.

and i do feel like a lot of it is exacerbated because we live together and are in each others faces a lot so i cant wait till im in my own space and able to curate more experiences outside of them. like i feel so stifled and i hate it and i dont want it to grow into anymore resentment and ruin what we have. and like i dont want feelings of shit feeling like its being taken away from me or that they latch onto what i have because they cant or wont build it for themselves etc etc. like i dont want to think nasty thoughts about the love of my life. i want us to feel like we have air to breathe and breathe into each other. like theres enough air to go around!!! fuck!!

[rynext]

♡♡♡looking forward to:

☆spending halloween with friends

☆having a place to stay for a bit

☆returning to a loving community

☆bc i have a place to stay, ill be able to find work again and pay things off/save/and buy the things i want!!

☆seeing ruhi again

☆revisiting phx nature?

☆vending this friday tehee

[rynext]

trying to set up and stack my emotions to present before we go back. figuring out how my smile will look when i return. how downturn my eyes should be. how heavy my heart...

i do not need to perform. i do not need to mold face. in this moment i feel ashamed and defeated and thts okay. all my feelings are safe with me. and i will be bold in it. i will own each current state that i am in. this experience sucked in a lot of ways but it was also good. there are some things i look forward to in going back but i also really really hate that ill be stepping foot there again so soon. all of it exists within me. and all of it is okay.

ill be back. to LA. to traveling. to phx. and i will handle the cards being dealt and leave again. i am always taken care of. and i will always go to where im loved and where my heart calls to.

[rynext]

i want niggas to come upon my vision, rest their gaze on me and be so horrifically enamored that they shift into a state of worship

[rynext]

not aspiring to any femmehood outside of the trans and black experience

[rynext]

smth in me wont allow me to go back and im committed to respecting it

[rynext]

want some fucking stability so bad. and any notion that i just need to go back to phx to get it and "restart again" is bullshit cuz i didnt have it there either. ive been in constant transition after transition in constant housing insecurity for the past two years bro. im so tired.

[rynext]

trying so hard not give in to depreciation and despair right when things stop going a certain way. i suffocate on it i suffocate on it

[rynext]

so much discomfort and guilt in the ways my loved ones end up affected by the ways i evolve as a person and step into new forms of being. from dynamic shifts to changed language. idk

[rynext]

struggling wit my affection and intimacy with other femmes outside of streams of old conditioned? attraction

#and with my partner when their fem presenting :(

[rynext]

realizing ive always been butchfemme even when i was butch and jus didnt process it. and its like now tht im femme its the same but i find myself needing to adjust the way i see other femmes? like my brain is still aw their cute! need to date! but like...me finding them cute isnt necessarily tied to romantic attraction and im unpacking that. like its okay to jus be friends with ppl???? 😭

[rynext]

allowing the stillness of transition. allowing the moment of pause. accepting feeling like im on standby. im taken care of and not where i want to be but im safe and okay and beautiful incredible things are on the way to me. this is okay too. im also experiencing some of what i asked for right now in this moment too.

[rynext]

{in manifestion °○☆}

we have moved on from auntys to a different space. feeling safe, secure, aligned and welcomed in it. we have space to create, be exactly as we are without hesitation. we have opportunities to build career and make money. money and resource flows to us with ease and abundance before we need it. we're able to save up near 10k with strong resources and connections to take with us onto our next journey. we went to many events, networking and enjoying the fresh new art scene here. made a lot of sweet friends we'll always rmbr and try and keep in touch with! got to dress up to attend some raves and functions before leaving and felt that rush again. we were able to get a sturdy, clean and nice working car to take with us. so we roadtripped to east coast when we were ready. had a fun and safe journey that we documented on my digi cam that i got working months ago. work, community, opportunity and resource was waiting for us when we got there.

my closet has expanded in lingerie, dresses, furs, heels & boots, accessories, gothic/whimsy/avant-garde pieces ive had my eyes on, and pieces ive made that match vision. my nails are done to my liking and ive learned new hairstyles for my hair. my hairs in long braids again and i feel like a version of myself ive always loved too again. i have skincare in my collection again and oud to my disposal. blue lotus and other herbs are available to smoke in my pretty patterned cones. ive gotten all of the makeup necessities i needed and im painted how i wished to be. my needs are met in every way in order for me to be able to reach for the things i want and be reached back out to immediately.

femmehood and stone identities feel like a different home from being a stud/transmasc and ive gotten to hold a deeper understanding in me of it. i love all the ways lesbianism grows and shows up in me and i love the community ive formed within it, and i love loving and protecting butches and studs and other femmes and i love the way we exist regardless of how i may evolve thru different subculture identities and feel lost or found again and again within it all.

i feel more and more anchored, secured, sturdy and deeply in love everyday with my baby. and my heart holds them like my lungs hold air. they are a sure thing by my side and we've been able to grow more into ourselves while loving each other and have been able to experience our own connections of love and intimacy and life outside of ezch other too. we are beating the codependent allegations everyday!

ive been able to maintain my friendships from back in uae and phoenix and i hold these people dear to me and im held in the same regard. im reminded of their love just as much as i make mine known and we elevate each other in love and joy and communion. i continously draw ppl in with the same energy and alignment and my global community/family is growing gradually and with so much love and care.

my connection with spirit has grown stronger, deeper and more lucid and tangible everyday. i am called to and i listen, and when i call upon them, i receive. i have spiritual rituals and routines that i am consistent with and knowledge that i hold and thats bestowed upon me everyday. im taught of the old ways and how some new can be incorporated into my practice. im taught of my ancestors and who i come from. im taught of the ancients and of the ways we use to move mountains. i have a mentor i learn from and do rootwork and conjure with and there is so much love and wisdom and power in our connection. im in the constant becoming of familiarity and knowing of spirit like the back of my hand. and i feel it. i am one with it.

[rynext]

im right here lovebug. coming back in sad remembrance, so far and distant and detached from the reality we use to know. full of experience and love. we have survived all of our days and lived a thousand more

can i skip to the time when i come back to this blog in sad remembrance so full of joy and safety and security tht all the feelings i share here seem far and distant and detached from my being and daily experience. pls