resmel-writing

[resmel-writing]

Eye of the desert | ad-Dahna, Saudi Arabia

[resmel-writing]

January 18th

Wow, it’s been such a long time since I’ve written on this page. So much has happened within the past year and so. A lot of revelations being revealed to me. Clarity and healing I should say. I’ve stated so much in my past entries on @rc.100days and in my journal entries. Just recently finished reading a book that has entirely did a 180 for me in terms of outlook and belief. The feeling is compared to rising from the ashes from my trauma and into the life of my dreams. A Phoenix Rising. I can confidently say that my reality is better than my dreams. It’s beautiful, it’s surreal. I can’t help but feel so thankful for everything that has happened. 2022 was by far one of my growing years that set the momentum for this next decade of my life. I am so in love with the life that I have and the life that I am creating. Yet, this is only the beginning. It’s going to be such a beautiful and amazing year. Thankful for this divine connection.

#writing #blog #self reflection #shadow work #gratitude

[resmel-writing]

It hurts my head to think of how many things had to happen for our paths to intersect. Of all those numberless little fortunes that led me to you. A broken alarm clock, a delayed train, a sudden downpour, and there we were, You and I, sharing coffee, our whole lives ahead of us.

Beau Taplin (via quotemadness)

[resmel-writing]

No matter how damaged you are, there will still be love for you. No matter how unlovable you think you are, you will still be loved. You will always be loved.

Lukas W. (via quotefeeling)

[resmel-writing]

You've become so damaged that when someone wants to give you what you deserve, you have no idea how to respond.

[resmel-writing]

I guess that’s just part of loving people: You have to give things up. Sometimes you even have to give them up.

Lauren Oliver (via sunsetquotes)

[resmel-writing]

peace.

That’s all that I strive for and what I’ve been grateful for. I can just see clearly what keeps people in a cycle-- money. That keeps in a loop, what keeps them worried, what keeps them up. I’ve been in a victim of it too. I see people hopping on different wavelengths to create that financial prosperity. There’s nothing wrong with it. What I do see wrong with it, it’s how much time spent creating this abundance than the time you’ve actually been at peace within yourself? The peace that can only be found within. It robs you from the time and effort to dive deep within. It’d be nice to have money, but the hustle and bustle robbing you from the actual peace within you, is not worth it. Financial security isn’t true peace. There is financial peace but that is only one small component of the bigger picture.

[resmel-writing]

it’s been a minute.

I’m feeling a bit of sadness lingering inside of me.. I pulled a Nine of Swords. I’ll try to explain it but it was about fears, anxiety, guilt, shame and betrayal.

Just memories of people I deeply trust, friendships I cherished so dearly.. that have all faded away. It’s strange that although I’m feeling these emotions, I’m smiling. I’m smiling because I understand where it all stems from and why these emotions are appearing. Still have been reflecting and trying to understand my emotions and the traumas. 

I know in divine timing it will all make sense. Trusting the Universe is leading me on the right path of spiritual growth and relying on my intuition. 

Keep the faith,

Resmel

#for the good of all with harm to none #and so it is #222 #444

[resmel-writing]

bitterness fades.

all i can say is time heals.

not because it passes by.

but it teaches you, allows you to reflect,

allows you to come in terms with what's within you.

[resmel-writing]

I am blessed. No words can fathom how grateful I am for all that I’ve encountered, for how I have grown throughout the years, for all the love given from friends, loved ones and most especially from God.

Thankful.

[resmel-writing]

finally built my keyboard :)

I’ve been into writing these past few months. Been writing a lot especially in the year 2020 when this whole pandemic started. Just waiting for my SecretLabs chair now. However, I haven’t been into streaming and gaming lately ever since I got tested positive for Covid-19. So during my quarantine, I’ve been trying to make my experience here at home more comfortable and at piece. My chair isn’t comfortable, my keyboard wasn’t comfortable, my dresser and clothes didn’t look comfortable and clean. Took some clothes out of my dresser and closet to make room for new ones. I haven’t been into buying clothes because I don’t know. I haven’t been to aesthetics but instead comfortability in the home space. Anyways, I’ve been catching up some on Netflix, researching videos on keyboards, numpads, being doing some “DD” (due diligence) on stocks. Just another way of saying research. I’m finally up about $900 on my portfolio. It’s crazy that I was down $1500 a few months ago. I stopped because I got heavily discouraged by the losses I made. I took a month or two off of stocks and just focused on gaming and streaming then covid hit.. I just took the time to rest, gamed a little, but more so, in fixing up my mental space which could then reflect on my physical space. I started getting back into stocks and the plays I got into a few months ago rose about 200-350%! Amazing.. I was letting my emotions make my decisions rather than just trusting my intuition and most especially, being patient when the market wasn’t looking good. I wasn’t putting in the work that I needed to. As of late, I’ve been more intentional and focused on my decisions. I’m thankful for my friends who got me into stocks, whom I’ve met through gaming and streaming. I’ve been feeling extremely grateful. For my family, my friends, and the people I’ve gotten close with who became my close friends. My mom, my superhero, who took care of me, who took 2 weeks off to make sure I was recovering well. Now that I’m feeling well.. it’s time to action on the ideas that filled my mind during my isolation period. I see a lot coming into fruition these past few months before I leave for BMT (basic military training). By being process-oriented, having complete trust and faith that the universe is conspiring in my favor, it’ll all come to fruition. I can feel it. It’s in the grasp of my fingertips. I see glimpses of it more often. The vision I have in my heart, mind and soul are for no reason. There are no coincidences. It’s all part of my journey. The challenges I face and continue to face because I prayed and hoped for the growth. This is all of no surprise. I am resolute and resilient. I have accomplished and fulfilled so much. You can too.

Keep the faith.

//REZ

#for the good of all with harm to none #and so it is #books and libraries #writing #thoughts #manifestation #444

[resmel-writing]

Fear - Intuition

I kept going to the bathroom and every time I use it, I had to go pee again. It was thinking, “I don’t remember drinking so much water” and then.. I woke up.

That’s how my morning started. I usually wake up at around 10 or 11a.m. but this time I woke up around 7:30 to use the restroom. My sister was getting ready to leave for the gym and then my dad blows up on her about going out too much especially during this pandemic. I messaged my mom cause she heard what happened. I had a conversation with my mom regarding my dad’s behavior. I’m a member of the Church of Christ, Iglesia Ni Cristo. Lately, I haven’t been proud of it. It all starts off with how I perceive my family. We have duties we take up in church but let’s call them responsibilities to better understand. I just don’t understand how my family members have these responsibilities yet they aren’t responsible for the way they act-- negativity, doubt, judging others harshly, and living in fear. It doesn’t make sense to me. How can you attend all these activities of bible studies, officer’s meetings yet still don’t implement what’s being taught? We are taught to have faith, to have an honest and striving connection with God, to not worry about what happens tomorrow, etc. My parents have lived in fear; in survival mode. I truly understand there’s a pandemic going on which was my dad’s case but for my sister, she’s been going to the gym to build up her immune system, she eats healthy, tracks her macros, has tested negative three times. While me, stays home majority of the time, games, and yet still tests positive. Why? Simple. Immune system isn’t strong and lack of nutrients. My health hasn’t been the best and I’ve been distracted with other ventures. Anyways, there’s no point in taking up an office if my dad continues to still behave and react the way he’s been for majority of his life. I understand there’s some suppressed trauma.. generational trauma. I question everything and observe why people the way they are. Self-image, and I truly feel majority of the members (of the church) take up a responsibility for self-image rather than caring for their fellow brethren. God looks at the way you live and how you interact with your family. Not just the responsibilities you take up for the church. The focus should be on the connection with God and not the self-image. Back to the conversation with my mom and what happened earlier this morning. My dad just needs to work on his approach and the way he’s handling the trauma he dealt when he was young or the generational trauma which I’m still learning to uncover. My mom was telling me to understand and I still understood that it was fear. Ever since my siblings and I were little, my dad’s way of thinking got us to be fearful majority of our lives. Why none of us graduated yet (except my brother in the ministry) cause of the fear of failing. Now, my sister struggling through college cause of dad projecting his fear and not even paying for her tuition. He’s always projecting his fear and insecurities. As the time passes in between messaging my mom, my dad approaches mom saying “what’s the point of going to the gym or going outside?” My dad never admits for the little things that my siblings and I do when in reality, these little things add up for good. He’s concerned about our health but not realizing the way he approaches and talks down on us affects our mental health which also affects our physical health. I posted on the family group chat, “Gyms. Builds immune system. You can talk to KJ {one of the ministers) too since he goes to the gym and knows the importance of taking care of the body. Plus, my sister knows how to get tested way before I tested positive. I stayed home more than her, playing video games and still tested positive. What is it? Simple. Immune system and lack of nutrition cause I don’t get the chance to cook the food I want to eat cause my family and mom’s family from the Philippines staying over til March be cooking the same stuff. Out of all people, you (my dad) project your fear and worry. Not faith. I understand that you’re a parent and you’re getting old. But at this point, you can only advise us now. Not control us. You have to accept that. You get to choose how you react.” I’m filipino by the way, and if you have friends with parents that migrated to the US for “better” opportunity, you know this reaction of theirs is inconsiderate and in denial, “Bahala kayo.”  What that means is “up to you” but the negative connation, “do what you want.” I laughed and responded, “Next time don’t attack your daughter. Not the only way you talk to her. You think she will want her kid around you? Think about it. Your approach isn’t healthy nor in a Christian manner. Remember, I observe your mistakes. You’re lucky, we’re smart. Kids hold resentment and not able to identify the issue. But I don’t take it personally cause one, it’s how you feel about yourself. His response, “Enough!” After this response of mine, he left the group chat, “Just admit it. You can’t admit we’re in the right.” He blows up. Going around the house. Cursing in tagalog, saying “he thinks he’s smarter?!,”then get out of my house!” My mom trying to calm him down saying he’s not understanding from our point of view. I getting up from my bed to confront him by saying “You wanna talk to a minister” but instead something else came out of me and somewhere along these lines, “This isn’t about being wrong or right and the end of the day sometimes. We are addressing the fact that you don’t approach things in the healthiest way, you let your emotions put you in survival mode; then you project the bad coping mechanisms onto us just get your point across. You can still be stern and concerned without yelling at someone who is trying their best to stay healthy. If you are worried about us health-wise, keep in mind our mental health can also affect our physical. Because you weren’t able to realize this growing up, now we are confronting you and just asking you to do better. God created us and made us your children so you could learn about this confrontation since you don’t wanna confront your own behavior.” My dad was just on my mom’s chest having a hard time breathing while I said this. My friend Jaybee suggested this message for me to say as a secret weapon. Lol. Huge gratitude for Jaybee for talking this out with me since she’s a narcissistic abuse survivor. Anyways, my dad didn’t react. I just told him that we love him and despite the fact of me being 27 years old and letting me stay under his roof, I’m always thankful for it regardless of how I don’t say it often. My sister and I are always looking to better ourselves to achieve the future we want for ourselves and especially this family he provided a roof over. He calmed down and just laid on his bed to cool off. I told him to look at himself as well, if he’s concerned about his health, look at the physical effects on himself when he doesn’t have his mental health in check. Before all this went down, my mom was messaging to not argue or fight with him, but I just had the urge to get up and say something even when I should be quarantining.. It was my intuition. It felt like the right thing to do. I wasn’t given this feeling for no reason and especially I have prayed for growth which comes with challenges to test me. I can proudly say I got out of my comfort zone, said my piece and passed the test. I could fight fire with fire but it will always end in fire. I chose peace cause that’s what I’ve always wanted. It wasn’t coincidence for me waking up early at 7:32 to randomly use the restroom and hear what my dad said to my sister before she head out to the gym. All this wasn’t a coincidence. There was a purpose. God had a purpose for me and used me as a great instrument to say what I needed to say. Maybe it was the hard pill for my dad to swallow. He knows he can’t say things in front of me since I believe I’m quite observant of his actions. I believe I have the makings of a great father when the time comes. To avoid the bad my dad has done to my siblings and I but to be an example of the good. My dad is only human and I am too. My dad isn’t as self-critical as me. If he was, I have no doubt he’ll make a great father. Anyways, it just makes me wonder what got me into saying what I needed to say and having the courage to put my foot down and said what was necessary.

Intuition.

Lately, I haven’t been gaming since I’ve been quarantining, re-watching a favorite tv series which has some pretty good life lessons/tips. I’ve been rethinking the direction I’ve been on and how some actions don’t align up with my values and such. My health for one has been neglected, my creativity for my room and pc setup have been up but there’s no balance. I’ve started getting rid of old clothes that I don’t wear anymore. I haven’t bought new clothes in a long time. I have such huge hesitations when buying clothes but when it comes to tech, oof. I wanna change that. I can have both. A clean environment along with great clothing but it also starts off with a clean mind although the mind ain’t always consistent. I have to at least try and do my best. Which should be enough. If you’ve read this far, I hope the message you can take from this is to not live in fear and follow your intuition. My symptoms are going away and my 10 days of isolation are almost up which I can then get retested and hopefully come out negative again which I’m positive it’ll be ;) fingers crossed lol. Thanks again and hope you are safe and sound, whoever you are and wherever you are.

Walk by faith, not by sight.

All my love and gratitude,

//REZ

#and so it is #writing #life #meditation #777 #44 #books and libraries #peace #abundance #manifestation

[resmel-writing]

What will be will be.

[resmel-writing]

Sometimes you meet a person and you just click - you’re comfortable with them, and you don’t have to pretend to be anyone or anything.

Alexandra Adornetto  (via quotemadness)

[resmel-writing]

2020

Wow, I don’t remember the last time I looked at Tumblr.

I was on this site consistently and was in a different headspace a couple few years ago. It’s strange remembering all the memories and experiences I’ve had on this site and how I was.

Mixed emotions filled with depression, lust, wanting, insecurity and inadequacy.

I was all over the place. Not understanding the self, not honoring my word, and not coming from a place of compassion but of unworthiness.

I had a huge falling out with a woman for quite a long time. My definition of a long time exceeds probably 7 years. The patterns of longing, overcoming and “what if’s.”

For thee longest time, all I wanted was closure. To dig deeper into my curiosity of the fall out. To understand her of what she underwent and what led to the decision of the fallout. Was I too attached? Was it the idea of who I thought she could become? I admit that it was possessiveness. I just wanted to her be mine.. and to be hers. In a sense, it may be viewed as obsessiveness but I gave the very best I could during my time with her. Since then, I’ve questioned if I was ever enough for anyone or even myself. It was a daunting period of my life.

Although it wasn’t consistent, I’ve prayed and prayed to not have my head filled with thoughts her of what it could be and what could I do to fix it. Ultimately, I wondered why the Universe has kept her in my thoughts for thee longest time.

In 2019 and 2020, I’ve had some hard truths and revelations about myself. Not only consisted of my thoughts about her but most importantly, the “self.”

I’ve thought about the daily habits, thinking patterns, connotation and goals I had for myself. Discouragement and inauthenticity. I wasn’t at peace at all.

However, what comes with the hard truths and revelations was this.. Clarity and Acceptance.

No guilt or shame of how I felt and of what brings me joy and peace. It was inner peace and my honest and firm connection with the Universe was what I needed to keep moving forward. To be accepting of the darkest parts of myself and to be at peace with them. I’ve observed my thoughts and let them pass.. also known as Meditation. Observing but not acting from their thoughts but instead leads to a powerful act that any human can do and if they are willing is this.. “Choose.”

It all comes down to choice and taking action.

I never really credit myself on anything I do because I never thought it was good enough. I was always questions if it was the right or smart move. I have recently learned to accept that now I know. Curiosity has lead me to opportunities that I’ve never thought I was capable of. You want to know if you’re capable? Let curiosity lead the way and trusting it works out for your good.

Now back to her.. I haven’t had any disheartening feelings in my body because I haven’t had any thoughts about her, checking on her to see how she’s doing, because this year 2020 gave me the confirmation of my intuition during my time with her but I gave the benefit of the doubt and trusted her. 

7-8 years to receive this confirmation of my intuition from the Universe? Really? I’m laughing and smiling because I understand why the Universe has kept this confirmation away for me for so long.

To practice patience and compassion towards the self.

Confidence and knowing who I really am and not be ashamed of what I think or feel or what my values are.

Knowing that she was seeing someone else and bluntly, cheated on me during our time.. was enough to get rid of the emotions of who she could become and the ideas I’ve had of her. I’ve always see the good in people but this was one I couldn’t see past anymore.. Dishonesty and unfaithfulness. 

Do not get me wrong.. although she did those things, I don’t hold any resentment. In fact, it gave me acceptance and the confirmation of my intuition. The gut feeling of knowing she was seeing someone else and in fact, physical contact makes me laugh and it amazes me because it’s clarity. My intuition was right.

I wish her well in all her endeavors. However, only from afar. I don’t know how someone could prey on anyone’s downfall and I certainly do not want to wish ill feelings on her. I understand that people go through different stages in life in order to reach the clarity and peace they’re looking for.

I ultimately hope they realize the peace they’re looking for is all within.

I am at peace. I am in awe. My heart has been filled with utmost gratitude. The Universe hears me, the Universe answers me. Instead of going against the flow, go with it. It’ll take you to places you’ve never been. Physically, mentally and spiritually. The flow of life. The willingness to ride the highs and lows in order to fully experience this journey we call “Life.”

Thank you so much for reading if you’ve made it this far.

Still practicing confidence and compassion on the daily and it isn’t easy work for some. However, it is the most rewarding feeling that can open many doors.

Wishing you all the peace, love and abundance as we reach the end of this year and to the beginning of a new one. May you ride the highs and lows to discover what’s within and staying connected with the self.

Walk by faith, not sight.

All my love and gratitude,

//REZ

#writing #life #meditation #intuition #222 #1010 #peace #universe #angel numbers #clarity #manifestation #books and libraries