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remindme2breathe · 3 years

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Bitter Sweet

I am approximately 2 days from celebrating my oldest child’s birthday. Not just ANY old birthday... 18. The LEGAL age. The ‘I don’t really need my parents permission’ age. Don’t get me wrong, my son has always been a good kid. Not in the sense of he’s a straight A student and NEVER talks back, no. He’s a DECENT student and didn’t necessarily talk back but did stand firm with whatever he believed in. My son is quiet, timid, so smart, and has a BIG heart. Granted, with every good there is a bad. For the last 4 years he’s struggled with severe depression. Four years ago I’ve grown so much, literally. Meanwhile I’ve always thought I made this PARENTING THING my bitch, I was in way over my head!

I had my first son at the age of 20. I was ‘successful’, to me that meant that I worked, paid my own stuff and still had money left over. When I had “Mica” I always heard people tell me “omg, being a parent is so hard!”. Maybe I was one of the lucky ones. Lucky in the sense that God gave me a healthy child. He ate right, was active... just always quiet. Since I didn’t struggle with money I thought ‘gosh, this is cake!’ Little did I know that what they were referring to would come at a later time.

Depression. SON OF A BITCH! My Son’s depression made its debut in his 8th grade year. He uploaded a video on his YouTube channel making his friends think he was going to hurt himself. I had no clue. I thought everything was ok. One day I was at work and my sons school counselor called me. I immediately thought something was wrong because Mica never got into trouble in school, what could have happened!!! She calmly asked if I can come to the school to discuss something with Mica who was sitting in her office. DON’T YOU HATE WHEN PEOPLE TELL YOU THEY WANNA TALK BUT DON’T SAY ABOUT WHAT! THAT WAS THE SCARIEST DRIVE! But nothing could have prepared me for what I walked into.

The counselor was sitting behind her desk and asked me to sit, I immediately spotted Mica who had a hoodie on over his head and most of his face. I reached over and touched his hand, I noticed he was emotional. I asked him if he was ok, the look he gave me let me know he wasn’t. The counselor proceeded to explain why I was called in. She said a few of Mica’s friends went to her earlier that morning and told her about the notorious video Mica had uploaded. Here I was thinking it’s some weird stuff. She said he wasn’t going to tell me, instead she wanted me to watch it. It was several images of sad people, he edited in words along the lines that he felt empty, that he cant even trust his own friends, and what would everyone do if he removed himself from the world. Obviously, I was hurt for him. I didn’t even get through half of the 4 minute video before my waterworks became uncontrollable. How could this have happened? What did I do? What didn’t I see? How can I change this!

The counselor explained that the district has protocols in place for things like this. She said she knows Mica is a good kid and didn’t feel he would do something to himself (I didn’t think so either but BITCH IF YOU HAVE A PROTOCOL DO IT! -said my freaked out inner self! I desperately needed someone to fix this!). She explained that the protocol was to call the police and report a potential 5150 (google it). She said she was not going to call it in but to find him help asap. I agreed! As soon as we got him I took Mica back to work with me and immediately started looking for therapists. My patient suggested I use my insurance since that can get costly and Insurance covers it (He would know, he pays my insurance), so I called my insurance and explained what happened. After I explained the lengthy story the representative calmly said “Ms *****, as you know our calls are recorded and monitored. I’m going to ask you to take your child to the nearest emergency room for an evaluation” I was confused, I said ‘no, no, he’s not hurt, I need him to see a therapist can you just give me some listings?’ She stayed quiet for a moment and repeated the same thing “I do apologize Ms *****, but these calls are monitored and recorded, my supervisor is advising that you take your child to the nearest emergency room for evaluation”. Did I tell you, I’m a nurse? This is what panic does to you! I was stuck on stupid! I couldn’t accept what she was saying so I repeated myself. She then became a little more clear, “Ms *****, my supervisor said that due to the circumstances you are required by the state that you live in to take your child to the nearest emergency room for immediate evaluation. It is also my obligation to inform you that our calls are monitored and recorded and if you fail to take your child in within the next 4 hours that we will have no option but to involve local authorities and they will take your child by force and you can face criminal charged due to negligence.” THAT WAS ALL SHE HAD TO SAY! We went to the ER and waited for what felt like FOREVER for an evaluation. They kept us for about 8 hours, in a little room that really scared my son <---- I can’t say that was the worst idea! Anyway, my child cried like a baby and told me what happened. He said he just felt alone and un-cared for. I asked if I did something to cause that and he said no, it was his friends. The ER Dr ended up sending us home with a requirement to see a psychiatrist within 3 days of our ER visit. DONE & DONE!

He was eventually put on anti-depressants, but it was still very much an uphill battle. It created a very different dynamic in our home. He was always crabby about something, and on the seldom days he’s forget his pills was HELL!

Here we are 4 years later, still on anti-depressants... but not a kid anymore. Maybe that’s what scares me so much about him growing up and being legal, that I will no longer be able to force him to take his pills. But he is getting better, most days are good but a few still come around to haunt.

Anyway, given those circumstances, I’m still a bit sad. And a lot proud. hmmm... maybe I’m the one with the issues. lol

Till tomorrow <3

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remindme2breathe · 3 years

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What comes easy won’t last long, and what lasts long won’t come easy

Here we are again. The flavor of the day is bland with a twist of desperation.

I am not perfect by any means. I make mistakes and like to think I’ve been capable of owning them. I’ve always thought of myself to be fairly level headed, someone who can look at the bigger picture from everyone’s position. I have been overly accommodating to the people who surround me, I try way harder for them then I do for myself. I am guilty of being ‘a people pleaser’. I don’t know when that started really, but in my 30′s it became severely obvious, and I kinda hate myself for that.

I am walking into my 8th year of my relationship with my boyfriend... B-O-Y-F-R-I-E-N-D. Not Fiance, not husband... shit, hardly a partner. He is a BOY, and I am stuck here. Not against my will obviously, I can kick him out whenever I please, however, my life with him is a complicated one that effects too many people (there I am, people pleasing again. Buckle up folks, this happens often).

I am 7 years older then my boyfriend, let’s call him Blu (that was my dog’s name). I met Blu by accident actually. In May of 2013 my then husband and I decided we just could not work it out anymore and we split ways. We were cordial, able to remain friendly for the sake of our kids. We accepted that although we failed MARRIAGE, we will not fail Co-Parenting. He left our family home in May and by September I met Blu. There’s some chaos there but I’ll tell that tale on another occasion. Remember when I said I met Blu by accident? I was serious. I had a friend named Emma who loved drama! She came to my house and told me about a site that she found out her boyfriend was on and she wanted to see if he would flirt with me (or another fake identity she made up to be honest, she just used my information to create an account), I call that playing with fire, but you know how that can go. Anyway, she did what she needed to and got the information that she wanted. I was uninterested in those apps so I never bothered to look into it. A couple of days later someone named Blu would send me multiple messages trying to get me to talk. I decided to respond, I explained that my name wasn’t what was listed and explained the whole situation to him, he just laughed it off. I didn’t know then that he was so familiar with drama like my darling friends little stunt. Anyway, we got to talking and it was very soon when he asked if I was interested in meeting up. After all the crime shows and books I’m into it was a hard HELL NO for me. I asked him to give me a little time, I also explained my position.

He told me a lot about himself, single dad, shares custody of two very young children with his ex. He lived with his parents about 2 miles from where I was. He didn’t seem cocky or arrogant, or maybe I just didn’t see it. We exited the chats and moved on to phone texts. He would message me every morning, afternoon and night. He knew about the age difference and didn’t care. Meanwhile I felt incredibly insecure about it. After about 7 weeks I finally caved and said I would meet him somewhere public, he said his family was having a BBQ at his house for me to just come by. I thought that out and figured: who would kill or rape me with all their family there?! So I went, but I never went inside his home. I stayed by my car, we talked for hours. I remember in the end I was fitting on the trunk of my car and him on the edge of the sidewalk... maybe 1:30 am when I finally decided to head home. He didn’t try any funny business, and was completely respectful. Before I left he asked if he can take me out to eat somewhere, like an official date, I still felt a little odd but I agreed. At that dinner I told him everything, about my pending divorce, how my custody is currently working, etc.

Me and him were from different worlds entirely. There were a few occasions that really pointed the differences out. For example, he listens to REAL MEXICAN MUSIC (google CALIBRE 50) where as my Mexican music consisted of Reggeton, Salsa, Bachata. He was 100% grounded in his Mexican roots, where my mixed breed havin’ ass was raised in an American household, where dinners were served at a certain time, we ate together as a family, we attended church on Sundays, we were close. The structure of my life was typical American Family with the added components of my nationalities; Mexican and Puerto Rican. We didn’t curse around our elders, I didn’t know of drugs, or habits. That was the first shot, the second time I noticed the difference was in October when we made arrangements to carve pumpkins with his kids and mine. On that particular day his mom and sisters were home, so of course I invited them to participate. They looked at the pumpkins as though they just landed from outter space! The third time was just a couple of months after, December. While my house was decked out with Christmas trees, stockings, and nicely wrapped presents... his house had no tree, no gifts, nothing.

We have gone through a lot over the years, mostly good things (or so I thought). Have you ever laid next to someone you felt the closest to and think Gosh, I don’t even know him? Eight years later and I still think that. I use to cry myself to sleep. I still feel so incredibly alone, and more so... misunderstood. The SANE me wants to think I have a right to think this way, but he comes in and convinces me that I am the problem. Meet Blu, head of the narcissists.

He is consumed with his cars, weed and sex. He has a problem with being faithful. And I have a problem with trusting him, and every time I feel I can let my guard down, he always comes in to remind me that I can’t. Things are about to get personal, I hope you don’t mind.

The first time I found out about his ‘extra activities’ we were already living together, this was maybe a little over a year after we became official with each other. He left his phone in the living room and it was getting a ton of texts, to my luck he is also a very heavy sleeper. I opened the messages and read them (OMG WHY WOULD YOU GO THROUGH HIS MESSAGES?! FK OFF KAREN, THIS IS MY REALITY, NOT YOURS!). It was a girl asking if he was gonna go by. I messaged her back as though I was him and she went along. I ended up waking him up, my eyes red and burning from all the crying. I asked him about it and all he was able to say is WHY ARE YOU GOING THROUGH MY PHONE, turned it off and went to bed. I remember feeling low, but that didn’t stop me dumb ass from going to lay next to him and crying until I fell asleep. He ended up changing his number after a few days and said he was ‘sorry’. Those types of situations happened maybe twice a year.

In 2016 I helped him open his own business, he had no money so I put up most of it (yes, stupid, I hear ya!) with the condition that he would not be listed on any documents as an owner. He argued with me about me not making him feel like a man (people pleasing in 3, 2, 1...) So I added him to the paperwork. I felt bad for him, I never wanted him to feel like that despite what he made me feel like. On one occasion he was working late, me being scar’d for life, I called him about 12:20 am and asked if I could take him anything or if he needs something because he had been working since 2 pm. He told me he was fine, but I said OK LET ME KNOW IF YOU NEED ANYTHING. I went anyway to ‘take him food’, when I was driving up a black Honda was driving off, and there was Blu looking like he saw a ghost. I asked who that was an immediately he yelled and asked why I was there. I said that I brought him something to eat to which he said MY FRIEND JUST BROUGHT ME SOMETHING... my friend... hmmm... At about 4 a.m. I messaged and asked if he was ok and he said IM NOT COMING HOME, IM DONE! My pride didn’t allow this to just happen, I responded with OK. I locked his ATM card, Gas Card, and any credit lines. He came home (I thought he would) hootin and hollerin! I quietly took my explosion waiting for him to finish. At that point I said to just leave the work truck keys and to be on his way. He refused.

In 2018 he started recording his phone calls for work purposes (you wouldn’t believe how many people try and cheat ya to save a buck!). I had access to the recordings but never listened to them because they were of a bunch of truckers asking for stuff. One day though, I was triggered. He said he was going to go down the street to help my sister and brother in law move something. I thought it was strange because my sister told me everything! So when he left I asked her about it, she said ‘yea it was weird he offered to come help’ I then asked her to call me once he left. About 10 minutes later I got the text “HEY SORRY HE LEFT LIKE 5 MINUTES AGO BACK HOME” We lived literally five minutes away, so I waited. After about 30 minutes I decided to listen to the recordings. He called a girl asking her to meet him in the Bank Of America Parking lot about 5 minutes the opposite way, he told her he was able to leave his kids with his dad for a little while so he can go see her. My heart SANK. I felt it at the pit of my stomach. This entire douche bag drove MY CAR to see some hoe??? FOR REAL! So I texted him and said where are you? He messaged about 10 minutes later and said IM ON MY WAY HOME I JUST FINISHED AT YOUR SISTERS. I didn’t respond. When he came it we went at it. Let me clear the air: I AM NOT AN ARGUER. I don’t find it useful to scream and yell, but my emotions were shot, I was on a different level now. I dropped the bomb! I guess he didn’t see it coming because he was unable to keep up with the shit storm I was dishing out. In the middle of it, that broad had the nerve to call him. I told him to answer it and he said no. When I got ahold of his phone he had the NUTS to tell me NOT TO FK IT UP FOR HIM. Shattered. I was non-existent.

to be continued

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remindme2breathe · 3 years

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Inspired and alone

I just wrote a recent entry about how I made my money. In that I mentioned a patient who inspired me. It’s been a few hours since I posted that and could not stop thinking about this notorious patient... I gotta get it out... I gotta just tell it!

We will call him Amazon (it’s the first word I saw when I looked up, sorry, I’ll try and be more creative next time). Amazon was about 82 when he landed a spot in my unit of the hospital I worked for. I’ll admit that when I first met him I didn’t think he was any more special then the 60 year old in the next room, to me, a patient was just that: a patient! The hospital I worked at has a wing for the Wealthy, I didn’t work that wing, I worked the ER right next to it. While I saw the druggies, drunks, rape victims and stabbings (the list goes on), just on the other side of the wall lived a land where the patience laid on temperpedic mattresses, had one nurse for every two patients (while in ER you take on about 6-10 depending on who’s scheduled). Everything was different, it was like coming out of a high end store and walking right into the hood! Literally, that’s how different it was. While our waiting rooms had wait times of up to 3 to 4 hours, that wing had a special phone line for these wealthy members to call and announce their arrival, at which point the linens were placed, bed available (not shared), a fruit basket for their guest to enjoy while waiting in their own private living room. Their menu was ridiculous too, ‘ridiculous’ when you compare it to the soupy salt less mashed potatoes, stale graham crackers and watered down orange juice. That wing had dinner options for the guests (up to 2), salmon, some type of roast or something else. Their water came in bottles and water glasses. The patients had to survive on a better quality diet that it typically suggested by the attending Doctor. Their were several perks to being in that wing, one being the awesome accommodations, the second, YOU WAIT FOR NO ONE. There is a Doctor available. Can’t find yours? THEY WILL FIND HIM AND BRING HIM TO YOUR ROOM. On that floor, it was said, that when a Doctor has his patient in that wing, they do not leave (they stay in a designated resting suite) because they have 10 minutes to report. This comes with a hefty membership cost. Back then (2015) I believe I heard someone say it was upwards of a 150K ‘’donation’’. Today I KNOW FOR SURE THAT DONATION IS A LOT HIGHER.

I had a friend who worked in that wing, she always complained about how BOUJEE her patients are or how demanding their guests are, I just smiled and listened. I kinda knew the feeling but had no desire to fuel her opinions, we all had problems with patients, but this is what we signed up for! While I was standing in her nurses station I noticed how many nurses would go to lunch at the same time, I was shocked. The ER was permitted one at a time, if the day was slow (which hardly happened) you’d be lucky not to eat alone. While I stood there I was noticing other tiny differences. For instance, they don’t have crash carts near by, they don’t have many assistants, in fact I think they had way more records people on the floor then actual nursing staff. As luck would have it someone started Coding. Apparently this didn’t happen often as I looked at my friend and she looked lost, as though she had no clue what to do! I yelled at her to call ER for a crash cart and to call the MD on call. I bolted to the patience room and immediately started my ER shift. Thankfully the patient pulled through and this brought great attention to the response time. Can you believe that floors director had the gull to yell at me for responding! Because it wasn’t my floor! OMG, the nerve! Needless to say she was fired for that among other things, but that’s neither here nor there. Directly across the hall was patient by the name Prime, first name Amazon (I know, I know! Next time, I PROMISE I’LL TRY HARDER!) who would one day turn into my best friend.

A few days after that happened I was given an award via the hospital for my quick thinking and whatever else they wrote on it. With that came a gift basket and a sealed envelope. I thought it was quite amusing when they said the envelope is from a patient of the hospital and they were under strict orders not to open it. They suggested playfully for me to read it out loud, to which I kindly declined. On my lunch hour I sat in my car and opened the envelope. Inside was a $25.00 gift card to starbucks <3 and a short handwritten letter from the Prime Family. They said they watched the whole event and were incredibly impressed with my quick response and ability to help. They admitted that although they do not know the family of the man who Coded, that Mrs Prime took it upon herself to let them know who saved their family member. I’ve been told that Mrs. Prime also ripped the hospital a ‘new one’ for its lack of education for the staff- I never bothered to see how that turned out. They left their phone number and ask that I call it because they had some questions for me. Of course that struck a curiosity. What could these people possibly need to ask ME? I waited a few days (no one wants to seem desperate), and oddly enough when the day came, I felt nervous.

When I called it rang exactly 5 times when a cheerful voice answered ‘Hello, This is Mrs Prime’. WHO ANSWERS LIKE THAT!!! Important people I guess. I said something lame “Hi, I got a letter asking to call?” I had nothing clever to say! REALLY!!! She giggled and said ‘’I didn’t think you were going to call! I’m so glad you did! My husband and I would love to sit and talk to you about a potential position, if your interested”. At that time I was working at the hospital, I had a decent schedule, benefits, and was established, but where there is an opportunity to grow, I will always entertain the idea. She asked if I can come by their home the very next day. At first I was a little hesitant because these are complete strangers, what if they murder me? Or what if they try to get me to play some kinky game? Ewww. Anyway, I went.

They lived in a very expensive country club in our area. I couldn’t believe it. I fell in love with just the front of their house, as I sat in my car I prayed to be kept safe and to not fk up my words! I felt I took an eternity to walk to their front door, but the walk was nice. They had a tiny river running under the walk path, fruit trees on both sides, everything immaculate! I reached the 23 steps to get up to their front door. I knocked on the enormous steel double doors. A Hispanic woman opened the door with the biggest smile on her face. For a split second I thought of that movie GET OUT, I thought GIRL IS YOUR SMILE SUPPOSE TO GIVE ME THE SIGNAL? WHATS GOING ON! She asked me to come in. Standing in the entry way really made you feel tiny. There was beautiful artwork and busts on custom built cut outs, polished concrete floors- impeccable. I was at a loss for words. The woman walked me towards a grand living room (I bet my living room would fit in there maybe 5 times! No exaggeration). They had an over-sized ivory colored sectionals (ahh, the luxuries of not having small children in the home) with light grey and cream colored throw pillows surrounding a glass coffee table. They had a small marble cheese platter, so fancy these Prime people were! Mrs Prime immediately stood up and shook my hand, and on a recliner was the top of a balding head with a sea of white hairs. She cheerfully said “This is Dr Prime” he reached his old wrinkled hand out to shake my hand, a firm grip. He was not all smiles like his wife, he was more serious. He had CNN on the lowest volume. He was not for chit-chat, he immediately gave me a short background of himself. He said he has been a Doctor for over 45 years, he explained that he became handicapped because of a bad knee surgery that could not be reversed, hence keeping him from all his social activities. He walked at snail speed and used a walker, he was embarrassed and felt like a burden to his family, he didn’t say it directly but I heard him loud and clear. He said he appreciated my professional performance at the hospital and wanted to offer me a full time position in his home. To me this seemed like such a risk! I had kids to take care of! I can’t leave a solid stable job for something that can potentially go bad. I explained my circumstance and said I was flattered and appreciated his interest in hiring me but that I couldn’t risk not having money coming into my home in the event that he fired me for whatever reason. He laughed, the kind of laugh that almost says ‘don’t be silly’. I looked confused because these are moments I only watch on movies, these things don’t happen to me. He said he will have his lawyer draw up a contract and to let him know what I want (yes, this part was a little creepy, there’s millions of nurses who know as much as I do, WHY ME!). I joked and said ‘’Dont play with me Mr Prime! I’ll ask for everything, including your walker! Then what are you gonna do!” Everyone laughed, it was at that moment that I noticed a ‘CLICK’ between all of us. Humor was his way of facing everything, a shield I often used when I’m nervous. He said he noticed that he was putting me in a difficult situation then proceeded to ask me question, “what does the hospital offer you that you feel you can’t let go of?” I said “my insurance, my kids benefit from that”. Then he asked “what about the hours you work, do you like those?” I said ‘’not really but it’s responsibility”. He then said “I WANT TO HELP YOU, and I need you to help me, we both are taking risks, you ready?” The way he delivered his words locked me in, he seemed so absolute and confident. It took me a minute to answer when he said “this is what we will do, give me one week to have my lawyer draw up a contract that will make us both happy. You can then review it and decide at that point, what do you think?” To that I did agree.

Exactly a week later, his housekeeper... no, assistant? no... right hand woman to the Mrs? no... I still don’t know what to call her, it wouldn’t even matter, because I didn’t know then that I was eventually going to take her job. Anyhow, She (oh gosh, we need to name her guys! We will call her Rosa, truthfully, I think her name really was Rosaline, or Rosemary or something like that) called and said Dr Prime would like to see me this evening, I agreed. After my shift I went to his mini-mansion and found him, his wife, and two other men in suites sitting at a round cherry wood dining table. I felt so out of place! Here I am showing up in crocks and scrubs and these people look like their about to have some fancy dinner. The house smelled GREAT! Someone was cooking, I know it wasn’t Mrs. Prime. Anyway, I went and sat across them (talk about feeling like your in the Lion’s Den). One of the men in the suites introduced himself and said he is an Estate Lawyer for the Primes and that he will be reading my contract to me. I have that contract in my possession but its LONG! So I’ll highlight the benefits.

If I took this employment opportunity I will be required to travel with the family. Certain accommodations will be available for my family in the event that the trip is more then 2 days or out of the Country. I was to receive a Vehicle to be used only for trips that Dr Prime needs to be transported. I will be responsible for all medical equipment and prescriptions in accordance with his personal MD. I am to be available to the family 24 hours a day with no days off (I know, hold on, I’ll explain), If I get sick I am to schedule an assistant and visually be of assistance from my location to ensure safety and organization. I will have access to a Credit Card for any work-related expenses (Pay attention, this gets better). In case of personal family issues, arrangements will need to be made known to Dr and Mrs Prime as soon as possible. In taking this position I will be allotted $1,000.00 in uniforms including shoes a year. This position will require me to overlook a private chef who will prepare breakfast and lunch for Dr. Prime. On Occasion I will need to ready him for social events. In the contract it stated that in case something should happen to Dr. Prime that I will have a year’s pay. There’s more but this was the gist. I was overwhelmed, THIS DOES NOT HAPPEN TO ME!!!!! They covered everything! All my worries were spoken for. I looked at Dr Prime straight in the eye for what seemed like forever. I felt like he was saying IT’S GOING TO BE OK the whole time... I signed.

I turned in my immediate resignation at the hospital and quickly went to work. One the first day he said to get my car keys, there was a beautiful black Range Rover that was to be called my WORK vehicle. I asked how this was suppose to work? Am I suppose to leave it here? He said no, you take it home, your on the clock 24 hours a day, you need it. OMG!!!!!! Then he said there was fine print that was not included in the contract but that I needed to know about- awww shit! Here we go. He said “my wife and I are snow birds, we will be here 5 months out of the year and the other 7 months we spend it in Vermont. I CANT GO TO VERMONT FOR 7 MONTHS!!! He quickly came in and said “you are only on the clock until I am settled in out there, when the time comes for me to go back, you will pack up everything, ship it, fly with me, and hand over my records to my daughter who lives out there and has an assistant to help me” He informed me that it would be like a vacation and my kids are welcome to go as well since this process usually takes about 2 weeks. He said the car can still be used because I am still on the clock according to my contract.

Fast forward a few years. Him and I became the best of friends. He was a great debater, I enjoyed out conversations. He was to me what Tumblr is now... my personal therapist. He always had great advice and truly came to care for my family, and my family for his.

There’s a lot to say about him, and I will eventually. It still hurts to not have him around. Although I stayed fairly close to his children and wife, he is a massive existence that can never be replaced. He was my financial guide, he told me how to make money that can work for me. My job was easy with him, I think the emotional part was the most challenging. Aside from his physical ailment, he suffered with depression and has mentioned not wanting to be around anymore. As a matter of fact, at one point he took some pills he knew he wasn’t suppose to have, they were his wife’s. He was rushed to the hospital, as soon as he was himself again I dropped the bomb on his old ass! What a selfish move! And not that I struggle with my own anxieties, I can understand the feeling, I wish there was more I could have done to help him with that. Side note: no, he didn’t die of suicide, it was natural causes.

In the end, when God took him home, I was home. It was about 9:30 a.m. when I got the phone call from his house, and it was his daughter crying uncontrollably. I obviously got worried and said IM ON MY WAY, she said “No, It’s not that, my daddy passed away this morning” I dropped to my knees and cried. I remember because I was in my backyard doing yard work with my kids. I remember they hugged me, I was numb for weeks to come. About two weeks later his wife called me to help her with some things. When I showed up, her kids were there too. They all hugged me and cried quietly. Mrs Prime said she needed me to fly with his remains back to Vermont because no one else had the strength to do it. I agreed. Before I left Mrs. Prime said the lawyer was going to contact me in a few days, I cut her off and said “really, I don’t want anything, he was a great friend and you all have been so kind to me” she just smiled and said it again “the lawyer will call you okay”. About 3 weeks went by and a lawyer called to come to his office. When I went he said that Mr. Prime added me to his will and requested a few things for me. 1. My vehicle keys will be surrendered to lawyer for updated vehicle. 2. I will receive pay from the Family Trust for 3 years of the same amount discussed. 3. 2 College accounts have been started courtesy of the Family Trust for my two boys. 4. All bills for my household will be covered by the Family Trust for one year. 5. A letter.

I was as white as a ghost. I definitely didn’t deserve that! The lawyer handed me a manila folder with a single white envelope that read the following:

MY TRUEST FRIEND,

I WISH I COULD SAY THAT LIFE IS EASY KID, BUT WE BOTH KNOW IT’S ONLY EASY FOR THOSE WHO REALLY WANT IT THAT WAY. I’M WRITING THIS TO SIMPLY SAY THANK YOU. THANK YOU FOR MANAGING TO MAKE ME SMILE AND FEEL ALIVE. FOR NOT TREATING ME LIKE A DYING MAN. THANK YOU FOR ALLOWING ME AND MY FAMILY ENTER YOUR HEART LIKE YOU ENTERED OURS. THANK YOU FOR NEVER LEAVING MY SIDE WHEN I WAS TOO SCARED TO ADMIT IT. I WISH YOUR BOYS SEE YOUR WORK ETHIC AND EMPATHY FOR PEOPLE AND ABSORB THAT. YOU ARE A GIFT! PLEASE TAKE CARE OF MRS PRIME, YOUR CONTRACT IS NOT OVER UNTIL SHE’S GONE. YOU WILL HAVE A FOREVER JOB HERE, AS LONG AS YOU WANT IT. THANK YOU FOR ALWAYS KEEPING ME IN YOUR PRAYERS AND FOR SHOWING ME THAT HONESTY AND NOBILITY STILL LIVES. ILL SEE YA AROUND KID! I LOVE YA!

#BiggestBlessing thisdoesnthappentome #IMISSYOUdrprime #notsocrativewiththenames

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remindme2breathe · 3 years

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NO- it’s not an option

I am in the process of Selling my home (beyond the process I guess, we are in the middle of closing escrow!!! Woohoo!!!) I’ll be honest, it took 4 days to sell my home, so I hope what I’m saying doesn’t sound like a complaint, this entire entry should be the complaint, ha, ha, just kidding- kinda. My home is smaller then my next home (which is also in process, 3 weeks!!) but it doesn’t lack comfort. Although I have never been a true fan of this particular home, it has allowed us to experience a lot of family-like ‘adventures’ (don’t worry, you’ll hear about some of those sometime in the future). My new home is sitting pretty on 4 and a half acres of clean, flat land! My home has enough bedrooms for EVERYONE to have their own space! This next home is a blessing that I can never describe with all the words in the world. Not only is it gorgeous, but thanks to the help of my parents, I got it all on my own! All they really did was sign, but I managed to save, fix my credit and get approved all on my own. Being grateful doesn't even begin to compare to the actual feeling! What did I do to accomplish that? Refused to let anyone convince me that NO was an option.

There are 3 things I’ve said to my kids more then necessary. 1. Quiting is not an option 2. Being rich doesn’t mean your successful 3. Always be of service to people

What do I do for a living? You’d be surprised how many people actually thought I was involved in something illegal... no, really... You’d be surprised! It’s gotten so old that now all I do is smile and nod. I’m not telling you this to make anyone think I’m showing off, no, it’s not about that. I don’t like to struggle, I hate to work, and I don’t understand financial technical terms like dows and percentage and whatever other fancy words they wanna use to shine up the real process. Let me tell you what I did, but first let me give you the scale in which it’s impacted my family.

I grew up with working parents, both held full time jobs, their own businesses, investments, and had the ability to raise my siblings and I with the little luxuries we wanted (the occasional toys r’ us runs, little things like that). They were financial STABLE, but not rich. They opened their own business about 10 years ago and now both are worth about 3 million each, or so says their business person. I saw first hand the struggle my parents went through when they started up their business, my mom even said that there was a handful of times that they didn’t even have money to buy us food. But when success came for them, it came fast!

When I turned 16 I took a dab at DJ-ing. Yes, I really was THAT cool back then! I did that for about 4 years. I worked for an actual radio station when I was 17 1/2, I did all their overnight programming and special events. At 18 at these big events I thought I was at the top of everything! My paychecks I spent on myself! All of it! Every dime. It was as through I was allergic to money and needed to spend it quicker then when I got it. My dad then brought it to my attention about my non-existent money management skills. He was right. What was my solution? Open a savings account? No, I’d still spend it. Save hard cold cash? Nope, I’d spend that too. I had to do something. At 18 money beckoned me. I decided to start doing side jobs; weddings, quinceaneras, anything! All that money I’d hand over to my dad and asked him not to give me a dime no matter what I tell him. WHO KNOW HE WOULD TAKE THAT SO LITERALLY! But it worked, I would save about 2800 every month, give or take. And some months he wouldn’t see anything- com’on! I had to have a life too! At 18 I graduated High School and started school to get my nursing degree. At age 20, with only 10 months left to graduate I got pregnant. I worked as long as I could and tried to do as much in school, I didn’t want to be a statistic! I will not be a number on the ‘’lets blame the baby’’ list! I was determined. AND I FINISHED! Once my baby was born I quit the radio station because it was more important for me to be with him then to be in clubs at night. After he turned 1 I decided to get into my field. I was lucky and got into an ER right away. It was exciting, super fast paced! The problem was the 12 hour shifts! I wasn’t being a baby... I wanted to be with my baby. While I worked there I continued to give my dad cash to hold, it wasn’t as much as before (because raising a baby comes with extra costs). But it was imperative that I saved because now my fear was providing for my child. But the hours were tough, mentally and physically, I went part time after 3 years. One day I had a patient that completely changed my life. PUT A PIN IN THAT!!!! He’s worth the story! Anyway this patient ended up influencing me way more then I could have hoped for! This man was put in my path for a reason.

Closer to today: Last year I asked my dad how much I had finally saved. I never asked him because I was worried I’d be tempted to use it wrongly. Mind you, this was a savings I have accrewed over a span of about 22 years. I never kept track, I never wrote it down. This money had to be OUT OF SIGHT AND OUT OF MIND. I saved $264,464.10, that means I managed to save almost 12,000 a year! A little over $1,000 month! AGAIN!!!!! I didn’t do it religiously! I remember when the $0.10 happened: I TOLD YOU! Sometimes I wasnt able to, but my system was the following: I would carry $60.00 in cash every week on me for any little thing we might want, eating out, treats, toys, medicine, etc. A WEEK! That number went up when I had more people around me. I kept 1,000 in my bank account after bills at all times (this was also never garenteed: THESE BILLS CAN GET A LITTLE OUT OF HAND! If I had over 1,000, I would withdrawl and give it to my dad, no matter the amount. All the change that was under $5 (bill) I would save in an envelope I kept in my dresser and would seal and turn that change over to my dad at the end of the month (that change adds up QUICK!). Any extra cash- tax refunds, these stimulus... it is wasn’t I always had like a paycheck, it was considered extra and I would send it on its way. HOWEVER!!!!! YES I’VE BEEN TEMPTED! I STILL HAVE THAT TEMPTATION! My dad said to invest it to make money on it. Yea, that’s nice but no. I’m too impatient to wait for someone else to put my money to work. Well, I guess I kinda ate those words: here’s what I did. I have a close family friend who has tons of friends all of which could use a job. I made 3 businesses with $10,000 each. THIS WAS A STRETCH! But it’s do-able for WAY LESS!!! I just couldn’t help over buying, geez!

Long story short, I started a gardening company. I do nothing but cover costs and pay wages. I collect on that and let me tell you- AMAZING. If you intend to do this let me disclose the following: People can be shitty! People CAN steal from you especially is the customers pay cash. PAY YOUR WORKERS WELL AND THEY WILL TREAT YOU WELL! I supply them with the extras. My kids fill refrigerators with snacks and waters or sodas. We supply uniforms at no cost, they get paid time off of two weeks, and rain or shine they get their salary! My son also said MOBILE CAR WASH is good too! There we went, now him and his friend run that truck. They make money, I make money. The 3rd one is a Pool Cleaning Service. This one was a little work because most people with pools have friend references. But this actually holds up pretty good. All three trucks are on my property by 8 pm, my son will fill the tanks, check the interiors, and supplies for the next pick up date. It works out.

Doing this has allowed me to stay home with my kids. I have been a house mom for the last 8 years. And now, I’m buying my 4 acre property! Thank God!

It’s tough, especially because I like expensive things! I love to spend, I love to travel. And believe it or not, I was still able to.

Wow, if this wasn’t an epic RAMBLE, I don’t know what would be! Sorry in advance. I’m so excited! I can’t wait to move! Hopefully someone has a small savings that they want to put to work and maybe this helped you get your mind thinking.

#Financial #had2save #cashHOME #tricks2mytrade #mutiply

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remindme2breathe · 3 years

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It’s simple... said no one.. EVER

I’m here again! Just when I thought Tumblr would be a quick-lived fad. There’s something beautiful about having the freedom to express yourself. It’s always been my therapeutic weapon of choice. While most would benefit from over paying for a complete stranger to listen to the sad story of ‘why I’m here’, I get to do it for free. Thanks Tumblr, for giving me space to just SAY IT.

I’m a mom. My life is complicated to the few that get to witness it, but to me, this chaos is my normal. Perhaps my mental state has convinced my emotional parts that this non-stop roller coaster is correct FOR ME. Not everyone is cut out for it. I have 4 beautiful children. Ready for the complexity? My eldest is from my first relationship, he was planned. In my mind, my first born child was my rock- the main reason I left my childish ways and grew. Because of him I finished college, left my former position as a Dj (yes, once upon a time, I WAS THAT COOL). I left car shows, clubs, parties for the unconditional love of my baby boy, a decision I never grew to hate. He filled a void in my soul I couldn’t have filled any other way, believe me I TRIED. In a few days he will be 18 years old, and although I am excited to watch him graduate, get his drivers license, and go to college- I am equally terrified. All his life.... wait... I have 3 other kids to tell you about! Put a pin in this!

My second child, also a beautiful boy, was a surprise and a blessing! He is 14, has ADHD and has taught me how different siblings can be. While my first child was calm, never threw a fit, always listened, and was a book worm, this baby was the total opposite. Don’t get me wrong, he is definitely a good boy. Never been in trouble at school or any serious trouble at home. This little one I share with his dad, my second relationship, well, my first marriage to be precise (pin placed- I got you!). My litte boy has the biggest heart, super emotional kid. Loves odd information. If you wanna know about farts, cemeteries, old presidential facts, and anything youtube related, he’s the one to ask! This kid is an encyclopedia of useless information. I think it’s funny because all the information he’s stored in his genius brain and NONE OF IT benefits him with school. He struggles. All in all, we are really close and he knows that where his dad might be lacking, Mama has his back! (Side note: his dad is amazing! He loves this kid and this kid loves him- no shade)

My 3rd and 4th are not mine by blood, but the love I have for them is no different then what I feel for my own. Would this make us the modern day Brady bunch? The third one is 10 years old, she is the sweetest little thing! She is my boyfriends identical twin! The resemblance is uncanny! You would have thought he birthed her himself! All she needs is a mustache and beard! The arrangement between my boyfriend and his Ex has always been the same, he got them on the weekends, then every other week. Only that this little one decided she didn’t want to live with her mom anymore and preferred to live with us. There’s a story here, one I won’t tell at this moment... patience grasshopper! So, the 10 year old sweetie pie lives with us.

The 4th little bitty is her mothers a MILLION%! Geez! Imagine that, waking up to watch an exact replica of your boyfriends ex running around your house... tell me what that feels like. She’s 9 years old and complete opposite of the 10 year old. She’s tougher, sassier, a little braver. In my house the 9 year old and my 14 year old are called THE BULLIES. They share a wing of my house on purpose. Since we share them with other parents we gave them a different wing for a variety of reasons. 1. They are like butt-cheeks: INSEPARABLE! 2. When their with their other parents that wing is shut down (a/c). 3. We kept the tiny gang away from the calmer kids. I don’t know what it is about those two, but they LOVE to annoy or antagonize the older ones. Anyway, this set up works for us. Clearly they are not aware of their title, this is just what we joke with between my boyfriend and I. We are equal opportunity labelers though, the older ones are ‘The Complainers’... any noise, if the kids breathe or laugh too loud they complain.

Not bad for a second entry... had more to say then I thought. Before the BETTER MOMS come for me for labeling my kids, I feel it’s best your aware, I am writing for ME, not for you. I am writing to keep my sanity in the midst of the crazy I deal with. Welcome to my NORMAL.

#momlife #normal #FUNtional #remindME2Breathe therapy

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