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1-27-24

I have let you go hundreds of times only for you to find your way back in my dreams

I have loved you and hated you and mourned you and missed you and cursed you and loved you and loved you and loved you and hated you

I tell myself that the person I knew is gone because she is but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t haunt me

You, who you were with me, who I was with you, the us we were before- they stalk my every move

I look at the rot you’ve left on me and I try to cut it away

I cut off the clinging pieces of you while trying to rebuild who I am from the rubble of who I became

You’re not there

You’re not here

You’re so much deeper

You’re beneath my skin, in my blood, in my marrow

How do I chase you off without bleeding myself dry?

#poetry #mine #grief #heartbreak

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9-24-23

As the life in my bones is sapped by the approaching winter and by the grief in my cells, am I destined to only know desire without fulfillment?

#mine #poetry #grief #depression

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4-21-23

How did you go from saying “the bones are good” to saying “you can’t love me like you should”?

I know I deserve better. And one day, if you’re better, maybe we can try again. But until then I won’t miss who you are, I will only miss who you’d been.

I would’ve fought until I fell if I’d known of the war before it was lost. For you, for us, I would’ve walked through hell, no matter the cost.

#poetry #mine #grief

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11-24-22

Today is a day about food. I know it will be hard for you.

I’d send you encouragement, if I were allowed, but you’d either ignore me or just shut me down.

So please don’t count your calories in the food or the wine, and when counting your blessings, know that I’m counting mine.

This time last year, I was thankful for you, and I know in some ways that will always be true.

But today is a day meant for family, not for lovers who left me in agony.

#poetry #mine #grief #holidays

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11-22-22

I’ve been at war for as long as I can remember.

My intellect vs my memory. My judgement vs my impulses. Myself vs my disorders.

I’ve fought to express myself and to keep who I am under wraps.

I’ve clashed with authority more times than I can count.

My mind and my heart can rarely negotiate peace, let alone convince my body to pick a side.

I don’t know what parts of me are fighting now, but the conflict is killing me. Six months this battle has raged and shows no signs of stopping.

The victor will decide your place in my future.

#poetry #mine

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5-26-22

You wanted to see inside, so you reached in and tore it out.

Did it look so different from what you remembered before you left it bleeding on the ground?

#poetry #mine #i’m sorry #grief #loss #heartbreak

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5-23-22

You say you want to know me, want me to let you in

You say you want to know me, want to see the parts I hid

You say you want to know me, then you hate the mess left on the floor

You say you want to know me, but you mock how I open the door

I’m stuck in here, been stuck in here

Day after day, year after year

But you don’t hear

When I say there’s nothing left

No you don’t hear

When I say it’s just sickness

When I say I have always been this way, I fight this fight each night and day

I’d stop

If I knew how

We both wish you could pull me out

I’m stuck in here, been stuck in here

Day after day, year after year

I’m not dramatic, I’m sincere

But that’s not what you want to hear

You want to fix me, make it nice

You try to give your best advice

I’ll nod along and be polite

I wanna leave but I’m so tired

And besides

What good would leaving do me?

When the problems are within me?

Drowned demons just keep swimming?

When the fat needs re- re- trimming?

I can’t keep it all inside where you say it should reside

I can’t keep it on a leash and I can’t keep it underneath

It’s pervasive and it’s pressing

I’m so used to the stressing

The monstrous traits that won’t abate

They’re bound in every move I make

So please don’t unlock the front gate

The distance is keeping you safe

Still you say

You want me to let you in, let you underneath my skin

You want to see the parts I hid, you’re not careful with your wish

‘Cause this is it

This is me

I’m so sorry I’m not who you thought I’d be

But I can try

Try to change me

I can be whoever, whatever you need

Just promise me

You won’t ask to see

Under my sleeve

#poetry #depression #mine #long post

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5-13-22

Promise. Promise. Promise.

A promise is forever.

I can’t promise that.

I can promise broken promises,

Uncertainty,

Inconsistency.

I can’t promise forever.

#poetry #mine #i’m sorry #neurodivergent

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5-2-22

Fireworks don’t do you justice

You came like energy from a star

Like a home-scented blanket

Like a meal that heals every ache

Like the best sleep I’ve ever had

Like the steadiest friend

Like a love letter to my heart and mind

Like a comforting smile with genuine eyes

Like the words I always needed to hear

You came like a savior

You left like a dream

#poetry #depression #mine #grieving #grief

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5-1-22

Into my life like a fireworks show

Out like a permanently missing tooth

I monitor my grieving

Is it too long, is it too much

I talk of big feelings and mixed emotions

I want to seem like I’m coping

Please don’t treat me like I’m coping

I’m inhaling

I’m exhaling

But I’m not breathing

I’m still finding shrapnel in my skin

And pulling it free

Then struggling to stop the bleeding

Everything reminds me of what I’ve lost

That empty-tooth spot in my heart

Makes every beat ache

#poetry #depression #mine #grief #grieving

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4-19-21

You want me to be my true self, but what if my true self isn’t who you want?

You want me to go with you, do with you, and I play along because it is what you want.

You want me to do what makes me happy, but those things make you so unhappy.

You want me to share my thoughts with you, but they always turn to knives on their way out.

You want me to be my true self, but what if my true self is a pathetic little monster?

What if my true self isn’t human anymore, but a tired remnant of the soul you say you love?

What if I nurse that self back to health and you don’t love it anymore?

What if I let it whither and die until all I am is what you wanted all along?

Would you still ask to see my true self?

Would you care that you have killed it?

#poetry #mine #self hate #depression #alienation

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1-12-21

I drag myself to the couch

Half conscious

And she comes home early to tell me to rest

I try

I really do

But guilt for all the things I’m not doing is heavy

Choking me

It is hard to breathe with such weight on my chest

I tell myself to rest

Recharge

And perhaps I will feel better enough to move

I am still

I do not rest

#chronic conditions #poetry #mine

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9-18-20

“If I can’t describe them, are the memories really there?”

Yes.

They do not live inside my brain.

They live in my collapsing lungs. They live in my corroding stomach. They live in my shaking hands, my clenching thighs, my burning eyes.

They are not where I expect them to be, but they exist, and they assert themselves whenever I doubt them.

My body crumbling under the protective restraints on my mind, I cannot care for my physical form when it fights me every step.

I am the wounded animal and the tamer.

#poetry #mine #somatic symptoms #repressed memories

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1-4-20

There is lightning in my heart

And thunder in my gut

This storm rages on without rain

This cyclone I call my mind

This hurricane in my soul

I’m drowning in life I wish I hadn’t lived

Waves crash over my skin

I don’t know their source

The seismic shifts in my memory

They shake me to my core

Destruction and dark clouds

Tears locked up in the sky

#poetry #mine #abuse #abuse survivor #assault survivor #assault #i will be real once again

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9-14-19

The future moves

It comes at me like a bullet

It looms overhead like a noose

It sticks in my throat like a handful of pills

It breaks my organs like poison

It burns through me like fire

It tears into me like a sharpened blade

The future moves

I wonder if it wants to take me with

#suicidal ideation #depression #i’m sorry #poetry #mine

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9-13-19

Beaten by the hands that raised me

I came to rely on pain

Love came and showed me the truth

I learned how to grow

My armor held up under pressure

My supports fell away

#poetry #mine #abuse #left alone

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8-18-19

Sad girl singing in quiet sighs

Tell me the pain behind your eyes

Sad girl smiling, sad girl mellow

Sad girl’s feathers lose their yellow

#depression #i wish i could save you #mine #poetry