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rainbowandkittens · 2 years
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Sincerely,
I'm not apologizing anymore
there's no shame in my game
for the hand I was dealt
or how it was played
I have all the important things in place
I am a woman who loves well
thinks deep
and bears grace
Please step down
before my stare
breaks the finger
you're waving in my face
You want me to have to account for
your lack of strength
You want me to feel guilty
for all the mistakes you've made
You want me to pay the price
for your unwillingness to change
no thanks
I have finally figured out
how to only bear my own weight
I refuse to carry your pain
or the price of the envy you feel
because I've done the work
to lighten my load
I've been busy making my own way
and float high above
from the place that I came
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rainbowandkittens · 2 years
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Just like other girls
Save your breath
I’m exactly like all the other girls
The only reason you say that
Is to make us easier to control
I refuse to compete with my gender
My gender can most often be found carrying more than their share of the weight of this world
The only reason you want to tear us down
and apart
Is because you’re incredibly insecure
I will use my voice
To call my sisters out of the dark
I will use my strength to lift them up
I will point my finger at patriarchy
and the ways it makes all of us corrupt
In the meantime let me suggest
If you dislike
Or have been burned by women so much
You’re entirely free and welcome
To stay the hell away from us
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rainbowandkittens · 2 years
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Zero Sum
I could give you fifteen roses
You would regift me one
And when you told the story the next day
you'd say you gave me twenty-two of the finest
and that I had given you none
No matter the gift or how many
the sacrifices or work I've done
whenever you're in charge of the math
our relationship is zero sum
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rainbowandkittens · 2 years
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Liam
He's like the wind
he chooses be gentle
but is capable
of being a full force gale
don't bother to grasp at him uselessly
he'll never be caught
against his own will
He insists on going his own direction
I try gently to guide
I want to help him realize
all the ways he can use his strength for good
while still remaining free and wild
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rainbowandkittens · 3 years
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Dear Board Members and Donors
Your hands donate to the cause that set me free
but your eyes stare through me blankly
Your generosity
is part of of the image
you wish to reflect in the mirror
and to the world
but secretly
maybe even unknowingly
you feel I'm nothing
but your face tells everything
of these attitudes you think are discreet
and the irony is
in spirit
it makes you so similar
to those who have abused me
than you could ever deem to think
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rainbowandkittens · 3 years
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Hannah
She is like the moon
cool
collected
observing silently
She is inherently kind
She doesn't have to work at it
(unlike me)
She cares deeply
She may gaze at the fiery stars
and question her own ability
She doesn't realize how much
she herself
shines brightly
how without her specific way
of lighting the night
this world would be lost in the dark
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rainbowandkittens · 3 years
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exactly
“I was quiet; but I was not blind.”
— Jane Austen
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rainbowandkittens · 3 years
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Tyler
He is my life's greatest mystery
his smile is sweeter to me
because it's so hard earned
he lives in his own world
I long for his words
if there is an afterlife
I want it to be him
telling me
what for all these years
he's been thinking and experiencing
I would listen to his voice
for all eternity
I hope I add joy to his life
I hope I add peace
I hope he knows my protection
is an all consuming fire
that delightfully devours
any threat to him
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rainbowandkittens · 3 years
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Dry Land
the fun thing about being clean
is that every time I stumble
I wonder if my kids think
that I've had a drink
the other day I did something silly
in front of a store greeter
and I felt like his eyes were burning into me
assessing my sobriety
I pass by my old "sponsor" at her job
and wonder if she still has a superiority complex
the one instilled in her by her false religion
I can stake my life on this:
my key to being free
was not and will never be found
in me hating me
Freedom was found in facing truth and assessing wounds
in gaining knowledge and tools
in others validating my struggle
in others seeing the good of who I still am
and coaching me through the flood
until I could make it back
to dry land
and
Here. I. Stand.
Still feeling some remnants of burning shame
but fierce and proud
of being victorious over this messy life
yet again
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rainbowandkittens · 3 years
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Body Disorder
He accidentally dislikes my body
at least once or twice a year
Somehow it’s always my fault that he says the words
and he gets so pissed when I get pissed
I have been chubby
I have been painfully, dangerously thin
And at each extreme or size in between
I have never been the right size or shape
to earn his approval
or at least shut him the fuck up
there’s always another thing to be said
about my body
or my eating habits
and he will use any excuse he can to vomit those words at me
and always always always
insist I asked for it
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rainbowandkittens · 3 years
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I realized something about depression today
(or how I experience it, anyway)
there is pain
and shame
and a loss of hope
but the thing that is weighing me down
and keeping me on the couch
is that
I'm tired of the fight
I've had to fight every day of my life
to get respect
to feel worthy
to be the best
to have purpose
to keep everyone's interest
to work hard enough to count
to raise my kids well
to have the partner I want
My. soul. needs. rest.
that I cannot seem to manifest
so I'm drifting through
filled with dread
and many mornings my first thought is
that I wish I were dead
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rainbowandkittens · 3 years
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The Ring
You wear that ring
like it's the most sacred thing
like we mean so much to you
yet at the drop of the hat
you'd be on the attack
you'd lash out and say whatever occurred to you
you don't care at all
how much pain you leave in your wake
as long as you have your own way
and get to punish me for whatever pissed you off today
I told you it was over
and you know it is
but you wear that ring
hoping something will give
if something did give
we both know it won't be you
you want what you want for free
no matter the cost to me
I'm sure as hell
still going to leave
but go ahead
you wear that ring
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rainbowandkittens · 3 years
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Haughty
What is it about me
you feel you so clearly see
that you judge so easily
and feel superior to me?
You. know. nothing.
What you see as weaknesses
I know are scars
from what I've survived
and honey
what I've survived
would have eaten you alive
remember that not everything
is as it seems from the outside
don't think that some moments of erratic or crazy
somehow negate the strength that's within me
you've chosen the path of least resistance
and dare to point fingers at my scars of persistence?
Sit down, mediocre Mary.
Despite your arrogance,
you know nothing of my life
and even less about me
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rainbowandkittens · 3 years
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Portrayal
the ignorant say of the addict
I could never do that
why don't they just quit
what a selfish prick
they watch an asinine portrayal on tv
and think it's all as easy as just saying no
or saying sorry and attending some feel-good meeting
What you don't see on tv
is how I'm wracked with grief
emotionally exhausted
completely disarmed
no end in sight
no strength or skills to carry this load with
what you don't see on t.v.
is that the first time is casual
and it helps you feel so much better
so then you choose a little more
and then a little more
and suddenly you find yourself in a deep dark hole
come on people
no one ever took their first drink
intending for it to take over their life
what you don't see on tv
is how my body screams
the minute I stop
I cannot hear anything else
and all the feelings come back
worse than before
and now there is shame
and such deep self-hate
and I sure as hell know
the one thing that will make it all go away
everything is worse
than what I started with
but still I'm just left
with only this one coping skill
this thing has changed the way I think
it has changed the way I feel
it has changed who I am as a person
it has gone from being an escape
to a crutch
to taking over all that I am
what you don't see on tv
is how much I hate it
how much I want to escape it
but that the only way I know how to make this suffering go away
is to take another drink
and maybe you'll say forcefully
that you've had hard times
and you've had drinks
but they never led you to the brink
what you don't see on tv
is that addiction is a perfect meld
of brain chemistry
circumstance
and substance
and maybe you've been lucky
to never have all three
meet in perfect harmony
what you don't see on tv
is just how easy it would be
for you to become me
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rainbowandkittens · 3 years
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I Wish I'd Never Met You
Staring down at an empty glass and bottle
tears slipping down my face
I wish I'd never met you
I wish I'd never met you
Wondering what I'd do differently
in this life that is no longer mine
I wonder who I would be
if I never knew your name
if I had only let you go
before it was too late
I was just trying to relieve the pain
escape reality for a day
and when I brought you to my lips
you tasted fine
and you helped me escape for a little while
but now
I wish I'd never met you
God, I wish I'd never met you
You own me and you won't let me go
You're destroying everything I've ever known
and I don't even know myself anymore
Please go away.
I wish I'd never met you.
I wish I had never met you.
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rainbowandkittens · 3 years
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Assumption
I am well aware that you think
you know
all about me
You are not aware at all
that you greatly underestimate me
You have added up the sums of
what I freely share with honesty
that I am very open about my vulnerability
I imagine your eyes glinting as you adjusted your sights for me
There is no rule that I have to announce
that I see you coming from a mile away
I am well protected
and so much smarter than you
There's joy to be found
in watching someone finally figure me out
When they thought they were playing me
taking advantage of me
and then they come up empty
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rainbowandkittens · 3 years
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Mom
Please forgive me
I wish we had done things differently
Only recently has there begun to be enough room in my heart
for me to try to understand your life
for me to try to see your pain
unfortunately  
and without much apology
the only way for me to protect myself
was to not let you in
complete forgiveness came immediately
one moment after I heard the words
(Mom is gone)
Mostly life feels normal
but then reality punches me in the gut
It's incredibly surreal to have always had you so near
and now you're eternally gone
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