āI am coming to terms with the fact that loving someone requires a leap of faith, and that a soft landing is never guaranteed.ā
ā
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I wanted him to be right for me so, so badly. And the truth is we could have forced it. But I decided I didnāt want something I have to force when there are things out there that will come straight to me and want to stay. And I still think about him and check in on him and he still has everything on paper, but it doesnāt matter how much of a perfect fit it was in my head when he was standing right in front of me and something felt missing.
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Itās weird how youād rather lie than tell the truth. Youād rather lie than admit that I still reach out to you and you still reply. Itās weird how after all these years, the distance never really interfered.. Itās weird how youāre there and Iām here but weāre still close.. Itās just weird isnāt it?
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Most days, Iām fine. Most of the time, what we used to be doesnāt haunt me and memories come then go effortlessly but today.. Days like today, all I can see is letters that spell your name.. Your face. And just like that it takes me back and Iām right back in love..
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āāI dream of lost vocabularies that might express some of what we no longer can.ā - Jack Gilbert, āThe Great Firesāā
ā
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āwe are writers, my love. we donāt cry. we bleed on paper.ā
ā š¢.šŗ.
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Every now and then your memory floods my dreams. I toss and turn hoping to break free from your grip but Iām still bound. I can still see your face and I replay our moments. It doesnāt happen often but when it does, itās hard to remember why I forgot you in the first place..
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āI have lost and loved and won and cried myself to the person I am today.ā
ā
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āāSometimes you tell someone to never call you again, and then the phone rings and you hope itās them. Itās the most twisted logic of all time. āā
ā
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I keep reminding her of her worth. I understand how easy it is to center your life around your man and lose sight of you. Iāve been there and I know the look in her eyes. Iāve seen it in mine. She will never leave him until sheās ready. It has to be her decision. On her time. So, I listen to her when she needs to vent. Try not to pass judgement.. But, Iāll always be there to lift her crown when the weight becomes too heavy. ā¤ļø
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I miss you. And I know that I shouldnāt. I know you only know how to break the things you love, so youāll just leave me in pieces. Youāll just string me along never really giving me anything to hold onto. And I take those pieces and still try to love you. I know that I shouldnāt but I do. Iāve tried erasing memories but I canāt go back and rewind you coming into my life. I canāt forget those nights we spent wrapped in each otherās arms laughing at how we finally feel like we found our home. My love was strong enough to right your wrongs but you got too close, too fast.. so, you ran. And although I donāt understand, I canāt spend my life trying to find out why. Some things arenāt meant to last. Some loves canāt move forward, you have to leave them in the past. So, Iām doing just that. Never looking back..
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Am I completely healed? No. There are days I can barely concentrate on anything except old memories and it grips my heart. I donāt know if you ever stop loving someone you pictured your life with. Iām not sure if those moments ever fade.. But the pain does lessen. It comes in waves but you will not wake with it every single day. Eventually, when your heart catches up to what your mind already knew.. It wonāt hurt as much. Maybe every once in awhile but it will no longer have the power to bring you to your knees. Healing is a forever kind of thing..
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If we are speaking on good luck, I havenāt had much of it. It feels like one storm after another, same prayer over and over.. I was at an all time low. But.. rain doesnāt pour forever and if you keep the faith and your strength.. youāll get what you deserve. A change is coming. I can feel it. Iām only looking forward. Iām no longer looking back at the past ā¤ļø
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Itās getting better. Time is doing what itās supposed to. Reality is setting in. I donāt miss you as much. Iām slowly remembering my life before you and Iām looking forward to life after you. Itās getting better. Time is doing what itās supposed to.. How bittersweet š
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āI wanted it so much. I donāt know why I wanted it so much.ā
ā
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Iām very optimistic when it comes to love. Love doesnāt scare me but trusting people? Thatās when I become afraid because hurt people hurt people and I canāt take another heartbreak..
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