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quarantine--thoughts · 4 years

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6/7/2020

I’ve been at my boyfriend’s house for about 3 weeks now. I don’t want to leave. I’ve been clean of self-harm since being here, I know once I go home everything going to be a shit storm. I know have to go back to the real world soon. I have to go see my cat again. I am his human, he needs me. I need him. I need to finish pressing charges on Salem. I’m just so scared, Harvey was telling me not to be scared about it all, because it’s Lilly’s problem if she gets mad at me for pressing charges on her boyfriend. I just know I can’t let him get away with what he did any longer.

#tw: self harm #personal #personal thoughts #why do I even tag this #no one even reads these #I just wanna give up #the idea of going home brings back some of my old thoughts #I might just try smoking #I don't know good prices tho #I'll have to text one of my stoner friends

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quarantine--thoughts · 4 years

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May 24th 2020

I’ve been at my boyfriend’s house for a week now. This week has been wonderful. It feels nice to get out of my house. I deeply miss my cat though. I have no idea when I’ll be going home, that’s okay. I’m in safe hands. My cat is safe. However, earlier this evening and a few times this week I had thoughts of self-harm. I know I shouldn’t but something in me still hates me. I’m still not eating that much, but I know that’s on me. I’m doing the best I can, Harvey, my boyfriend, has looked at me a few times telling me that I have to eat. I just don’t ever feel hungry, and I just don’t know why. There’s been a few times that I felt hungry since being at his house, but I can eat two bites of something then I’m full.

Oh also, I guess I keep talking too loudly. I keep forgetting Harvey's walls are paper thin so sometimes he’ll yell at me for talking too loudly. Especially if it’s something that we wouldn’t talk about in front of his family. Every time he yells at me I get this feeling inside of that I need to break down and cry. I know he’s not trying to be mean or anything like that. He’s kinda just like “You need to not say stuff like that so loud. Don’t use a normal volume if you’re going to talk about that.” Which I get, sometimes it slips my mind because at my house my walls arent that thin, and my bedroom is all the way on the other side of the house where you can’t hear me. Anyways, back to my point Harvey has never none anything that was abusive to me in any form. So, I just don’t understand why I just want to die when he yells at me. Even if he’s not mad at me. I just get to scared that he’s mad and I just don’t want him mad at me. I just want to make him happy, I want everyone to be happy.

I know I have been mentally abused by my love ones, but I can’t let that get in the way with my relationship with Harvey. Man... I just want a hug right now.

I came across a blog today, I believe you its not your fault, but it definitely was slightly triggering. I called the cops on Lilly’s boyfriend last week before I left for Harvey's house. I have my moments where I do still believe that it is my fault, and I hate myself for it. I’m scared that my whole family going to be mad at me. I’m scared I’m going to be blamed for it all because Salem, Lilly’s boyfriend, and I were friends. And it’s the second time something like this happened to me.I’m scared when he tells his side of things that he’s going to tell the cops that he didn’t do anything wrong, and I won’t get justice. I’m just so scared. I just don’t understand what I keep doing wrong. I don’t understand why people keep hurting me. I don’t know how much more I can handle. I want it all to be over with.

#tw: self harm #tw: eating disorders #ibelieveyouitsnotyourfault #tw: self hate #tw: self assault #personal

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quarantine--thoughts · 4 years

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4/26/2020

Everything sucks. I have no motivation to do anything. I just want to give up and not get my degree but at the same time I’m just like I want this. NO I NEED THIS, but my mind like “it’s only a 2 year. You’re moving on to a 4 year anyways” I just have this pit in my chest and belly. I just feel like I’m going to be sick. I want to do well but I just can’t.

OH and to top it all off my eating disorder is getting worse. Once I was better it got worse. I’m counting calories, making sure I only have a serving size, going for the least amount of stuff, barely eating anymore then wanting to throw up because of it. I haven’t had anything to eat in HOURS and I’m laying here on my couch wanting to throw up. I know, I’m not fat. However, all I see is the mirror is fat. I just see myself as this huge gross person. I feel like such an awful person for even having these thoughts right now cause there is so much worse going on in peoples lives. Just writing this is making me want to cut, which I have been relapsing in. Before I would stop myself by saying Harvey,my boyfriend, would be worried and probably upset if he... speak of the devil he just texted me. Anyways back to my thought he would probably be really worried and upset if he saw them. I know I could have hid it before with him, but when it goes to take off my shirt when we are about to have sex and I stop him he would know something was up. BUT due to the virus we had to leave campus so I]’m stuck in my house in the middle of no where while Harvey is in the city. He would never know. My mind is just stuck on that, I just feel like there is too much blood in my arms right now, but I know I shouldn’t. The other week was so bad for the both of them I googled if losing blood would help me lose weight.

Oh god.. I just open his text and it said “I may have done something bad”. Why am I feeling so low about myself that my first thought was “Did he cheat on me?” I nearly gave myself a panic but he texted me back right away, but so much crossed my mind in those two seconds. What bothers me most about that thought was HE HAS NEVER GIVEN ME A REASON TO THINK HE WOULD DO THAT. HE HAS BEEN NOTHING BUT LOYAL TO ME. I just need to get over myself

#personal #dating life #tw: eating disorders #eating disorders #self harm #tw: self harm #college #college student #student #relationships

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