petesvodka

[petesvodka]

Hi, how are you doing?? Happy roughly independence day if you live in that country... i saw this meditationinanemergency user on tumblr post 675651021950877696 (slash) under-no-circumstances-kiera-k and i thought you know who might get something out of this? petesvodka. anywayyyyyy hope you have a lovely day :) -Fallen Off Anon

hi there! sorry for the late reply, i rarely come on here anymore- but something told me i should, and i’m so thankful i listened

i just read it and oh my goodness. i feel so seen. i don’t even have the words to properly tell you how much i appreciate you thinking of me and sending this poem- it honestly made my week

thank you. truly, thank you. that poem will be kept close to my heart <3

i hope you have a truly fantastic week, lovely fallen off anon, because you’ve already made mine so much better 💫

#fallen off anon #this really meant a lot to me #my goodness

[petesvodka]

i don’t have anywhere else to share my thoughts, but i need to get them out, even if it’s just for the sake of not keeping it all to myself. so this is that. do with it whatever you see fit

you know, before, i thought my favorite color might be blue

moody, like the sky before a storm or once the sun has set, when the only one keeping me company is the moon.

or maybe bruised plum purple, deep wine red, or the grey-brown mix of my cat's fur.

but today, now, and likely for a short forever, it is green. i wore a sweater that's been hiding in the back of my closet for years; kept intentionally out of sight, out of mind.

it’s dark and it’s got some holes in the sleeves and almost perfectly matches the pine trees outside my bedroom window, still so familiar

the falling snowflakes felt stupid and my hair untamed and gross, my cheeks red and nose runny from the cold. yet even still, he told me i look pretty. beautiful, even, in this shade of green. he said he’d like to see me wear it more often, that it suited me perfectly

compliments are so easy to accept and move on from, but this one will stay on my mind for a while. it will be stored next to the way my name falls from his mouth, always with a smile. by the small things he somehow remembers about me and silly jokes we share together

and, an isle down, i keep what i know of him. it's growing. and deepening. and hopefully it will never cease doing so

today, i had the worst day of this year so far

people are intentionally cruel to one another and the world is unfair as it is uncertain. i'm fighting a battle i can’t win- i'm clawing alone against an unseen enemy army, desperately trying to swim against the tide

it's exhausting

heartbreaking

destructive

things won’t end well

but today.

today, my favorite color is green

#mars rambles #todays been weird #if you’re reading this though #thank you for hearing me #i don’t have the vocabulary to ever properly express how much i appreciate it

[petesvodka]

HELLOOOO!!! Please take all the time you need. i feel like creativity/motivation swings are often the last. um. evidence? you see when your body and mind have noticed something is off for a while. take care of yourself and they'll come back when you're ready!! *mwah* -Fallen off anon.

fallen off anon? you are an angel. thank you for making me feel better about my brain being so tricky :)

i’ve been working hard to get back into the things i enjoyed so thoroughly before, and i’m glad to say i think i may have gotten over the worst of it!

i know things like this take time, so i’m choosing to view this as a practice in patience

thank you again for popping by <3 ya really have made me feel better about the situation and i hope you have the loveliest of days and / or nights! you truly deserve it 💫

#fallen off anon #sometimes i forget what good a little kindness can do for a persons soul #thank you for being kind <3

[petesvodka]

don’t think i’ve forgotten about you, tumblr

i just haven’t been creating

its confusing and kinda painful to watch as the things that once brought joy to your life shift into nothing more than a cruel reminder of what you were once (but not any longer) capable of

i miss my past love of writing, enough so that i want to do something about it. in order for me to create, however, i must first be inspired to do so. that starts with observing and appreciating

attempting to rewire my brain is going to be a challenge, but it’ll prove worth while

i wanna make stuff again, even if it isn’t good, even if it doesn’t make sense

if you’ve stuck around through this content drought, thank you, sincerely. i promise i’m trying my best to not let you or myself down

#mars talks

[petesvodka]

a very important matter what was the first song in 2022 you listened to

#needle in the hay by elliott smith #jesus christ

[petesvodka]

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!! I sometimes fall off this site for a while and when I come back to your stuff it's such a sweet hello Pete smiling at the painting and it smiling back I cry! I didn't request it but thank you so much for that story and all the love <333

ah! HAPPY (slightly late) NEW YEAR!

and goodness, that’s such a sweetly refreshing thing to hear 💫

also, i’m glad you noticed that sentence because it actually took me a while to word that in a way i was happy with haha

it’s always lovely to hear when someone notices and appreciates something small but thought-out, so thank you 💖

#this anon made my day a lil better :)

[petesvodka]

Are you ok??

i’ve been listening to a lot of elliott smith lately, so probably not if i’m being honest. but! i’ve been through worse and know this ick will (if all goes as well as im wishing) soon wash away with the dawn of a new year

thanks for asking though :)

#i dunno #there’s just a lot of ick and bad in my head right now

[petesvodka]

I’m glad you’re okay. Pete would be proud of you for facing your mental health head on.

this one got to me, in the best way possible <3

thanks for saying something so sweet 💖 a part of me needed to hear that haha

#this anon made my day a lil better :) #like wow #that’s such a nice thing to say to someone 💫

[petesvodka]

Don’t feel bad! I’m just glad you are OK! Life is really hard sometimes but I am very proud of you for hanging in there and I can’t wait to read what you write 

thank you for being kind and understanding <3 it’s deeply appreciated

#this anon made my day a lil better :) #i can never properly express how much i appreciate the kindness of strangers on here

[petesvodka]

alrighty then

a little update from yours truly

shits been pretty bad lately, so i ended up voluntarily going to the hospital for a 72 hour hold, cuz like, who doesn’t want a free vacay in the rubber motel 🤩

kidding, but i’m out now and with access to my computer so, progress! i promise i’m still trying to get the fics written and uploaded- especially since it feels like the least i could do with how patient you all have been with me. i know i’ve said it like a million times, but truly, i do appreciate the patients

and onto the bad news :/ i think it’s important i’m as transparent as possible. having said that, i think i should mention that i, while manic, ended up deleting 5 or 6 mostly completed fics like a fucking idiot because i didn’t want them to be found

even though i’m fucking pissed at myself for doing that, i’m still going to try to rewrite what i can remember for each request!

everything’s still pretty overwhelming, but i promise i’m trying my best to at least write something each day

if you read all this, thank you for hearing me and i hope you’re not too disappointed <3 have a lovely day and/or night, and remember to be kind people 💫



#mars talks

[petesvodka]

Can you write a fix where you and Pete are dating and you didn’t know he was allergic to animals so you go volunteer at the pound lol

i definitely can :) just to make sure i don't write the wrong thing though, you mean pete and the reader volunteering together, right?

[petesvodka]

Do you have too many in the works for one more request? lol

absolutely not!

as long as my requests are open (which they currently are), people are more than welcome to send in their requests

however, i’m gonna be real with ya, it may be some time before i’m able to get to writing super recent requests given the ones i’m already working on- but if you’re willing to be a little patient, feel free to send in your request :)

#answered

[petesvodka]

Can’t wait to read your fics. I’m deprived lol

that’s incredibly sweet, thank you! messages like this never fail to make my night

ps - i’m actively writing and editing a few different stories/requests that i hope to have posted before (or possibly on haha) friday, so hell yeah for new content. be ready for some angst and fluff 🤠

#this anon made my day a lil better :) #answered

[petesvodka]

When will the fics be ready?

i know this is a late reply, but i promise i’m working to get them done asap (no rocky)

i have mostly unfinished drafts i’ve been slowly adding to, but this shits just taking a stupidly long time

#answered #i dunno #my brain just isn’t working the way it normally does #so yeah #it sucks but i’m trying to manage

[petesvodka]

workin’ on requests currently! hopefully they’ll be posted in the next couple days :)

#just wanted to give a lil update #mars talks

[petesvodka]

canvasses and paint

word count - 900

warnings - death briefly mentioned

a.n. - i don't remember who, but someone told me to write about pete watching paint dry. it's been a while, but here's the first version of that :)

wind carelessly shakes the thin walls of the house around him. yet again, pete can’t manage any sleep. it’s the same story every night. he’s not even sure what he’s spent so much time and energy worrying about, because everything is fine. he is okay.

... except rent was due four days ago, he hasn’t eaten a full meal in thirty-six hours, his dog is sick again, and his landlord is threatening to turn off the water. His legs ache from running and his neck aches from working, his stomach is empty to the point of nausea, and his feet are fucking cold.

and the shutters are loose.

the wind slams them against the weak panes of glass, threatening to shatter the only barrier between pete and the endless night sky.

his roommate blares music even though it’s three in the morning. the deep bass pounds through the walls, shaking him to his bones. on the other side, giggles and sighs slip through the floral wallpaper from his other roommate’s half-assed attempts to stay quiet. pete is crammed into a house with three other people, and yet he’s never felt so alone.

he could get up and keep working. he’s a software developer, meaning he works long hours and gets paid too little. he sulks in his room for most of the day, hunched over his computer, ignoring the rest of the world. it is his escape. his reprise.

not really, though. that’s just what he prefers to tell himself. when he looks at his laptop, humming quietly on his trash-filled desktop, he’s filled with revulsion. too many hours of his life are spent on that computer, writing and writing and writing and writing and writing code, desperately trying to convince himself he enjoys life.

what else is he supposed to do? read a book? he almost laughs, but the wind knocks the loose shutters against his window, quickly chasing the humor out of his mouth and down his throat before settling uncomfortably in his empty stomach.

is he supposed to go on walks? socialize with people through a screen? mow the lawn? spend mornings in quaint coffee shops, making polite conversation with those around him?

he actually laughs a sharp, hard bark. that is the ideal, isn’t it? the ceiling mocks him. it is what he wanted, years ago when he graduated high school.

sometimes, he thinks about dying. not because he hates his life, but because he’s so totally and completely indifferent to it. it’s not that he doesn’t like what he’s doing (he doesn’t), he just doesn’t know what ELSE he wants to be doing.

so maybe death is an option. not right now, but if he needs it. it’s comforting, a last resort resting soundly in his pocket. something arming him as he goes into enemy territory- a false tooth filled with poison, ready to cut off his life should the occasion arise.

pete chases sleep until his mind cannot stand it. resigning to a long night, he sits up, turns on the lamp, and pulls himself out of bed.

underneath his desk is canvasses and paint. he hasn’t touched them in months- has it really been months since he moved into the apartment? since he drew the shades and succumbed to the quiet part of his mind? he put the brushes on his desk when he moved in. he’d intended to create, to be happy.

he has no idea where the brushes are now, but the paints and canvasses have been sleeping restfully. they blink and stretch awake as he places them on his desk, still unsure of what he’s doing. brushing off the trash, he tries to remember what it’s like to make something other than endless lines of code and work and math and straight and rote and-

the light blue paint is open and in his fingers before he can stop himself. it’s cool and slick, a bright summer day spread across his tired hands. he smears it across the white, still not sure what he’s making.

a dark blue is next, so dark it’s almost black. mid-night thunderstorms and deep oceans drip from his fingers, covering the white and light blue. this color is angry and hurt; it holds in it the sky outside, the sky of his mind. pete likes the dark blue.

hours pass, the yellowing light of the lamp being the only thing keeping the wind out. pete's hands build, but they aren’t working. they run across the canvass, alive with freedom. they are happy- and, although he wouldn’t admit it, pete begins to feel the stirrings of happiness too.

he’s finally done when the light outside begins to overpower the lamp, even through the thick, black shades. some of the paint has dried, but not all of it. pete wants it to see the sun so he throws open the shades, letting the gentle hand caress his face.

the painting is wide awake in the mid-morning sun, no longer blinking away sleep. pete watches it dry with loving eyes, feeling life creep into his chest. the paint solidifies into reality, blues and blacks and purples lightening ever-so-slightly.

pete grins. it’s the first time he’s allowed himself to smile it what feels like years. the painting, now dry and content, grins back at him.

#pete davidson #pete davidson concept #pete davidson x you #pete davidson fanfiction #pete davidson x reader #blurb #concept writing #mars writes

[petesvodka]

GOD I just want to be CREATIVE but all my energy is being used to survive

#someone gets it