petalbypetalmyself

[petalbypetalmyself]

103/366 | Bored

I have been thinking intensely about an incident that occurred today. My mother and I went shopping for clothes. She suffers from the same problem I do—body dysmorphia, so we share the same sort of insecurities when it comes to trying on clothes and liking clothes we think we shouldn't be wearing because of how we feel about some of our respective body parts. But besides this apparently hereditary issue, with my case particularly, I've realized how bored I am with how I look, how I cover myself, my hairstyle, my face, my day-to-day life. Nothing feels exciting or new anymore, except for those two times I played wall tennis with my friends. Even with my partner I feel sometimes bored. We always do the same things and I think that my fear of not loving him anymore is not so much about not loving him but not feeling excited for us. My life is boring. Even this weight loss goal seems old. Even when I was at the peak of my excitement, when I weighed three kilograms less I wanted to weigh three kilograms less. I have had this obsession with my weight for as long as I can remember now that I really think I should lose weight to feel lighter and for my clothes to feel better, it feels so overdone. Maybe if I found something exciting to do, I would be less overwhelmed.

Everything seemed exciting four years ago, before the pandemic. I never thought I would be one of those whom the pandemic "hit," I only thought my weight gain was related to lack of movement and overconsumption. And those might be the real causes too, except that now I also lean towards this certainity: smoking was never the problem but a patch for my food addiction. That's right. The addiction I was so worried about was never the real issue—smoking was never the issue. That's why it's never been a big problem for me to quit smoking—even if I always end up relapsing in the end, the reason why I do so is because I don't feel like I control myself when it comes to food. If I can lose that, if I can leave two bites behind in each meal and follow my Best Body calorie protocol, I will reach my goals.

Yes, our bodies change overtime and my body at 25 can be slightly different from the more teenage-looking body I had at 20, just as I shouldn't expect when I'm 50 to look like my 20-year-old self.

There are some things attached to my 20-year-old body I should let go off. But I don't think I should let go off those feelings of excitement, of constant activity (mental and physical), of lightness, agility and confidence which I deeply felt then. Yes, I want to drop a dress size, but even when I achieve this goal I might need to expect not to fit into the pants I used to fit so smoothly then, because body changes—I didn't have such womanly curves then, but my body has evolved to have them, and even if, like I said, I dropped that size, my body might still have to have them.

So I ended up not buying anything for myself, except for two pairs of the same shoes, because I liked both of the colors they came with. No clothes, though, because I just couldn't see my body. I could only see a big piece of meat that could never look good in any clothes. And I cried because of that thought, and because of how in the past I would've loved everything and would've bought the pieces of clothing I wanted, and I cried because of sheer frustration and boredom. This boredom is so deeply rooted.

[petalbypetalmyself]

93/366 | Now, this sounds familiar

Like I mentioned yesterday, my weight went up. But after lifting weights and HIIT and overeating I expected it.

Ah, but even if I expected it, seeing how I wasn't as lean as I was the past couple of days, I tell you, it hasn't been easy, or comfortable.

While I worked out I listened to a Coaching Call by Jen on Discomfort. And it felt like listening to things I know but don't apply. I know that I should move more and sit through urges or uncomfortable feelings, instead of eating or smoking my way out of discomfort. Because that's an easy way out that has terrible results for my overall health and contentment.

Today I felt an urge while cooking and I ate 40gr of bread. And then smoked. I end up eating a toast with avocado and a salmon tin for lunch, an apple for dessert and three rice cakes with mermelade. Now I'm hungry but I cannot eat because later I will have to eat my dinner, which is the Mediterranean Salmon recipe from Best Body, and that's around 400 kcals, which would bring my calories to 1600+, which is what I'm supposed to eat maximum for weight loss. Hunger doesn't really make me uncomfortable because I associate it with weight loss, but for it to work I mustn't overeat later, and/or smoke.

It's normal to feel a little hungry when we're losing weight. Everyone says so.

My commitment to Best Body has definitely been declining and it shows. But I want to change that. I must believe I can change that little by little, and more than in the kitchen it starts with mindset work. And I'm going to start with urges. It's the work.

And it is also this work—

Is Your Quit Date this Week?

If your quit date is any day during this plan, follow the plan as instructed, but we’ll make 2 changes to make the first smokefree week easy for you.

1. Have the Vitamin C Power Smoothie for Breakfast

Drink it every morning on your first 7 nicotine-free days - even if you quit in the middle of a detox week. For example, if you quit in the middle of week 2, drink the vitamin C smoothie for 7 days, which means drinking it for half of week 2 and half of week 3. And then go on with the instructions of the week you’re on. 

Drinking this smoothie will help you reduce cravings and withdrawal symptoms of dizziness, brain fog, irritation & tiredness (that are due to low blood sugar levels). Also, this smoothie reduces cravings because it’s high in vitamin C. Vitamin C, which most smokers are deficient in, not only boosts your immune system, but it can alleviate withdrawal symptoms as severe as those of heroin!

2. Avoid Refined Sugar 

When you quit smoking, avoid everything that contains refined sugar.

Sugar (that’s in desserts, cookies, chips, biscuits, pastries, white bread, crackers, sodas, sports drinks, pre-made cold drinks) causes inflammation and puts your body in an acidic state, which intensifies the withdrawal and the cravings. Sugar also increases cortisol, the stress hormone.

Even one cookie can make your sugar levels spike and crash, which will cause cravings, dizziness, and irritation.

It’s best to stay away from sugar for at least a month after you quit. But if that’s not possible, stay away from sugar for your first 7 nicotine-free days. Watch this video to learn more about sugar and why it’s bad for you.

Follow these steps, and you’ll be surprised how much easier you’ll find the withdrawal!

A while ago I purchased this Detox plan to quit smoking and I want to combine it with Best Body. For seven days I'm not to consume sugar or starches, but three weeks from there there will be weeks that I can and others that I cannot. If I achieve this, it will mean that I can stay away from sugar for a full 30 days.

3 Things to Do Before You Get Started 1. Measure yourself The day before starting the plan, please measure your arm, chest, waist, hips, and leg, and make a note of your starting measurements. If you want, take a photo of yourself front and profile. It’s best not to weigh yourself during the 4 weeks. The reason is that scales show water retention, which can be misleading. If you want, you can measure yourself every week to see how your body is changing, or you can weigh yourself before and after the plan. 2. Check and buy the ingredients for week 1 If you have questions, check the FAQ you’ll find each week’s video, and if you can’t find your answer there, email our team at [email protected] 3. Write 10 reasons why you’re doing this detox plan and why it’s important to you Once you have your list of 10 reasons, keep it somewhere you can see it at all times (fridge, wallet, photo on your phone) and look at it whenever you need some motivation.

10 reasons why I'm doing this Detox Plan:

I want to prove myself I can quit smoking.

I want to prove myself I can go without inflammatory foods.

I want to test whether this plan works, if my measurements stay the same.

I want to quit smoking to have brighter teeth.

I want to quit smoking not to stink or be afraid I could stink of smoke.

I want to learn how to eat more whole foods.

I want more energy. Food shouldn't make us feel bloated or heavy.

If I have a plan, I will have structure, and I can start achieving more on a personal level.

I don't want any mood swings that aren't justifiable by external factors.

I want to be free.

What foods do I normally consume that have sugar in them?

Bread

Tortillas

Rice/corn cakes (though I buy them sugar free, they have salt so I'm putting them in there)

Crackers (salt too)

Cookies

Chocolate (<99%)

Mermelade

Dairy products (especially cheese, since kefir and yogurt have at least probiotics)

Today's workout was a 30 minute upper body.

[petalbypetalmyself]

92/366 | Out of joint

I know studying helps. I know when I learn things I feel better.

But today I wasn't an exemplary student or the exemplary woman I want to become. I didn't binge perse, but I overate big time. And smoked.

I made a promise to myself that I would stop this nonsense on my birthday, but I broke it because the scale was going up and I catastrophized the whole situation and thus gave in.

I know I can go without smoking. It's just a few days of discomfort but then I feel better. After all, I'm not putting poison into my body.

I felt so restless all day, and as a reaction, I smoked and overate. But there are other many many tools I could resource to—Best Body is perfect for this, and even FB has guided practices to eat mindfully and sit still.

Ah, the truth is I want to become a slower-living person, careful, and meditative. I don't want to resource, I don't want to feel I have to resource to either smoking or eating or both to ease this restlessness, boredom, or inactivity, only to feel worse immediately afterwards.

Tomorrow is a new day and damnit I'm going to conquer it. Yes, it has to be a conquest.

The scale will go up tomorrow most assuredly, but I also know it can go down in a few days, and I also now that even if it takes me a while to get there, I prefer to get to my GW without smoking. It's only natural to desire this. Weight will naturally fluctuate as I go through life. If now the avarage amount of cigarettes I smoke is 2, to quiet the emotional turmoil and discomfort and binging/overeating urges, how many cigarettes will I need over time to manage my weight in the future? It's preposterous and bad economy, not to mention bad health, bad breath, and overall a poisonous patch—not a solution.

I know my weight will eventually go down if I'm more conscious about my urges...

Anyway. My workout today was tough, and I felt hungry-ish all day. But in times like this I must remember Stacy's saying that

Hunger [in our privileged first world Estates] is not urgent.

I added the brackets.

Like I said, most of the time I just was uncomfortable with my restlessness. I have a desk job, and I will probably have a sedentary life ahead, if the Nations behave themself enough as to provide our generation with a future.

37min HIIT workout video (about 20 min of HIIT) and then 20 minutes of lower body strength training and pilates.

I really enjoyed it though.

I just have to follow my plan.

I also learnt I can do laps around the house. I walked 3000 steps around my living room and it counts.

[petalbypetalmyself]

91/366 | Weekly round-up

Tomorrow's the mark of a new week. I'm not super proud of how this week went, eating-wise, since I didn't follow my Best Body Foundations. But I liked the freedom and friendship it showed me in return.

On Friday, I played court wall tennis with my friends, and spent a lovely day out doors with them.

Lately I've been so worried about what will be of my future. Working for the European Union is too tempting. But today, a high school student I met on my internship texted me something he had written, and he wanted my opinion. It made me feel cherished, and wondered if being a teacher isn't really the only way.

I also finished translating an Open Letter. And now I must resume my translation of a book, along with writing up some assignments for my Master's degree.

With all of this in mind, no, I haven't cared that much about eating and smoking. But I have eaten and smoked out of feeling stressed, so this is the first thing I want to address in this department this upcoming week.

Translate 5 pages before 9 am.

Breakfast and work out (FB Burn)

Study

Lunch—eat only what's on the plate

Walk

Study

Dinner—eat only what's on the plate

Walk

This schedule is my goal.

[petalbypetalmyself]

87/366 | It's taken me 80 days

Around the World in 80 Days, wasn't it? Well, that's where I feel my mindset is right now. It's not perfect, and there are lots of improvements yet to be made. But I'm now in a place where I know how an urge feels, and that when I act on it negatively, i. e., either smoke or eat, IMMEDIATELY I feel worse, I feel guilt, remorse, and a sense of giving up, and more importantly, I do give up. And it adds up—not only the scale and my body show it, my mind shows it too. It honestly feels at this point like I'm completely unable to follow a plan, whether I make it or someone else does it for me.

Since I'm so fed up with this situation, I'm going to create some mini goals. Stacy once told me my goals had to be "super mini," and had I taken her by her word, I would probably be in a better place right now.

My first Super Mini Goal is to follow my carb plan for a month (March 20th - April 20th).

For example—I have eaten 2 small rice cakes and 1 orange for breakfast. That's probably less than 1 serving of starches (since it amounted to 50 kcals out of the 120 kcals per serving of starches) and 1 serving of fruit. A side note is that I was okay with the orange for breakfast, it would've kept me full for two hours probably. In that time frame, on a normal day, I could've worked out, showered, worked a little bit and then had breakfast and take my first walk. (This is a mini goal I will be focusing on next month, but for the time being I'm trying to move more and since the experts say a walk after each meal can aid digestion, I will try to walk after each meal.)

Meanwhile, I got coached yesterday about scale drama. I'm terrified to weigh in tomorrow. I said to Jen I would give the scale a rest, but I don't think I can... I need to know how much I weigh.

My workout today was at 12pm and it was HIIT and Abs.

Been working out with FB since I was 15 and I realize now that there was "written coaching" of sorts under each day of a given program.

From Day 1:

Remember: No matter your starting point, keep your self talk positive. Focus on the positive changes you can make in your life that will lead to a healthier body. This program is going to be an opportunity to learn to listen to your body; challenge yourself, but pay attention to your body’s signals in order to modify each exercise to work for you. Move at your own pace. Push yourself but pause & take extra breaks if and when you need to. If something feels too easy, first check your form & intensity, then increase the challenge by adding extra resistance in the form of heavier weights; it is up to you to stay present and adapt these workouts to be appropriately challenging for your specific fitness level. Focus on controlled, full movements but don’t push to the point of pain. Don’t ever hold your breath. If and when an exercise is shown that you can’t quite manage, don’t get discouraged - simply keep moving, and jump back into the routine as soon as you can; as you practice and become stronger, you’re likely to find fewer and fewer things that you can’t do. Be patient and work hard!

From Day 2:

Right now, you should make a commitment to do your best to eat well as you make your way through this program. You don't have to be perfect; just do your best to eat for good health. If you need more help, check out our 4 Week Meal Plan - Eat Real Food & Feel Great.

Check in Challenge - What do you hope to get out of completing this program? Set a couple of short term goals; being able to do a few extra push ups, fewer rests during a HIIT, being a little closer to being able to touch your toes, etc. You never know who your words might help & inspire - share with #fitnessblender and #FBburn on social media  (YouTube   Facebook   Instagram    Twitter   and   Google+).

What's my answer? My mini goal is finishing FB Burn R1 without overthinking workouts.

From Day 3 (today):

Check in Challenge - What is your motivation to workout? Feeling good? Feeling stronger? Your kids or loved ones?  Share with #fitnessblender and #FBburn on social media  (YouTube   Facebook   Instagram    Twitter   and   Google+).

My motivation to work out is to feel good, more calmed and active.

Meals:

1. 2 rice cakes with cottage cheese (1 with honey on top, 1 with 7gr cherry jelly) + 1 orange (3/4). How I felt? Like I mentioned, when I wake up at 6am I will have a starter meal to fuel my workouts, but definitely not a complete breakfast. Because I feel bloated now, and with acid reflux.

2. After HIIT & Abs I was so tired (more than hungry). And in fact I have pinpointed the moment I knew I was done but kept on eating my lunch anyway. I had eaten 1 slice of rye bread with ½ avocado and ½ tomato salad and 2 lettuce sandwiches (1 slice of cold-cut turkey + 1 slice of emmental cheese & 1 slice of cold-cut turkey). There was a brief moment I was thinking whether I should eat another lettuce sandwich since I wasn't hungry. Then I said screw it and ate that lettuce sandwich and 5 crackers with jelly. These are the moments I must recognize and put an end to.

3. For dinner I had roasted veggies (⅓ of a bowl of broccoli, cherry tomatoes, red and green pepper) and some mashed potatoes.

[petalbypetalmyself]

78/366 | 'The Logical Song' by Supertramp inspired this

I think I just have to take action, because deep down I know what to do next. I know that if I weighed 56 kg in the same week I weighed 55 kg does not mean that I have gained one kilogram all of a sudden. But if I blow it out of proportion, yeah, those 56 kg will become a fact, a reality I have to deal with. I haven't weighed in for four days and kid you not I'm frightened. But I also know I just have to wait it out. On the 23rd of July of 2023, I was 53.7 kg. I was only 0.7 kg away from my GW. Of course I probably weighed more than that, and given that the scale hasn't showed that number since, it was rather explainable by means of dehydration or something of sorts. But still, I didn't, or rather hardly smoked in the summer, so I don't think my smoking had anything to do really with this weight loss or any other weight loss, so I just have to wait it out while doing something about it.

First I have to move more, then I have to eat less junk, not only to lose weight but to have my skin clearer. Ever since I gave myself licence to eat whatever I want, my skin is less clear. It's actually greasier and has more spots.

Best Body's non-scales wins:

Tracking

Planning for tomorrow

Coming to these Calls

Watching the Mindset Lessons

Is your skin clearer?

Are your clothes fitting better?

Do you have more energy?

Practicing gratitude

I feel like I could concentrate on this list for the time being.

Instead of letting tracking control my eating, I have to control my tracking, i. e., I'm in control of both my eating and my tracking it, so if I'm not hungry I don't have to eat just because I have room in my calorie budget.

Best Body options:

Choosing to reduce calories (avoid sauces and dressings, eating out less often or choosing bland options, lower calorie options of food that taste the same, buy single servings, try IF if not hungry at breakfast)

Increasing your metabolic rate (build muscle with low intensity movement; increase protein intake; sleep & stress)

[petalbypetalmyself]

FB Burn AND Best Body

I was experiencing SO MUCH mental drama about what exercise should I do that I decided "screw it--I'm not ready to commit yet to either the Weightless Program and/or Ballet Beautiful exclusively." Because life happens--I can't not eat sugar for the rest of my life. And most unfortunately I can't have a ballerina body if I'm not a ballerina. I can work out like one (like ballerina Mary Helen Bowers, for instance) but I'm not her.

My data shows me that (1) I have increased 3% body fat since 2019 (and 1.5% since I started Ballet Beautiful two-ish weeks ago) and (2) my measurements do decrease when I follow a varied workout plan like FB Abs R2. I think that if Ballet Beautiful worked back in 2020 was because I started from a lower fat percentage. Since then, I gained weight, fat, and attempted following the Ballet Beautiful program several times, but none got me to my 2020 body. So, for the time being, I'm starting FB Burn R1 & R2.

It's bittersweet for me, however. On the one hand I want to lose weight, on the other hand, I want to feel as elegant as a ballerina.

But at the end of the day, I don't need to be a ballet dancer to be elegant. Elegant comes from the latin word for reading, so I decided to come back to these all-embracing, ethical goofballs.

Anyway, I decided to go back to basics all over. I prefer to lose weight on my terms and if that includes a croissant on Sundays, it shouldn't make me feel so guilty and sorry for myself. Having said that, I am going to do my best to become a mindful eater.

if I truly followed the 80/20 rule (i. e., if I have 3 meals per day, that means 21 meals per week, out of those, 4.2 [4] meals have to belong to the 20% category while 16.8 [17] must belong to the 80%. If I had 3 meals + 1 snack, 5.6 [7] would fall into the 20% and 22.4 [22] to the 80%. I am also thinking about following Jordan Syatt’s advice for a while—3 meals and 2 snacks, the meals have to fit into a plate, the snacks into the palm of your hand and can be either a fruit or a piece of protein).

A couple of posts ago I mentioned this. And today I listened to this "The Last 10lbs" call on Best Body. If it's worth it for me to lose these last 10lbs (actually less), I have to really pay attention and be focused. So my determination of being mindful is key here. I have to put it into practice now.

While focusing on these non-scale victories.

[petalbypetalmyself]

The Weightless Program struggles

So, I haven't really dedicated a lot of time to the Weightless Program. In fact, I haven't, at all. I have a lot of things going on, and I'm not that good when it comes to time management. The Weightless Program, paradoxically, can help me with this. There are several exercises dedicated to time management, but I haven't found the time to even get through the first video.

I turned 25 the other day and I decided I'm not going to smoke anymore. Today, however, I gave in and smoked because I went from 55kg to 55.7kg. But that's only because I binged. I'm not, however, going to punish myself for this because my resolution is definitive, just as deleting my Instagram account. I don't miss Instagram and after smoking I realized I don't miss it either. It's just the hand-to-mouth thing, and the fact that I feel so fat, which leads me to either smoke or binge.

But these cycles can be broken. For lunch I was so decided not to overeat and I almost got it right. Then I decided I should have something sweet for dessert as I had done so well eating the right amount of my snack plate. And that's when it all went wrong because I ate a whole package of crackers (5) with mermelade. For dinner, however, I had lettuce wraps with tuna and a thin piece of emmental cheese and boiled veggies. And I didn't experience any urges, except that immediate thought that said "if I don't smoke tonight the scale will go up tomorrow because I will overeat now." So I did smoke. And my body feels really constrained.

I also experienced a lot of mental drama regarding ballet. I do love it, but I'm afraid I won't ever be skinny-athletic.

Nevertheless, after a lot of ruminating, I worked out.

It felt really good.

So, I have a lot of mixed feelings about everything because I have a huge butt and I'm probably overdevelopping my thighs with ballet. But it makes me feel good and open and mobile, so I should start looking forward to these movements, instead of fearing them.

The idea is move more and organize my eating better—3 meals, 2 snacks, à la Jordan Syatt. Those 3 meals must fit into a plate, and those 2 snacks must be either a piece of fruit or a piece of protein that fits into the palm of my hand. As simple as that.

Random thought post

[petalbypetalmyself]

The Weightless Program 0/42 | Probably the most important thing I'll write during this program

My Time Capsule

It is time I accept a hard truth.

All of the things I have done up until this point—all of the binging, all of the smoking, all of the crying —have had only one constant source—me. What is more, I was ultimately in control all of the time.

(As I was today, when I was making lunch and I ate 1 tortilla, and 2 prosciutto slices before the actual lunch, and because of this I punished myself, and forbade myself, to eat anything but bland salad and a few crackers. Shortly afterwards, of course, I felt first peckish, so I hqd 2 breadaticks, and then hungry-ish, so I had 2 more. I ate them hidden, of course, because I didn't want to give the impression that I could be eating. Because even if I have gained 3 kg in 4 years I still want to make people believe I don't eat.)

All of this is quite sickening, and silly, to be honest.

What else?, here I find myself doing "diet math" constantly, both in my head and on my phone, being puzzled and stressed because I am not seeing any progress, while I know that (1) I am not really counting most of the things I am actually eating because I do not want to see them show up in the app—I do not want to be ashamed because I failed, (2) I am guess-timating a lot, and (3) simply, I am eating outside of hunger, sometimes out of habit, others as an emotional response.

Also, I must say these foods I am constantly craving are not avocados and strawberries, but bread, breadsticks and, I do not know, my partner's 52% chocolate. They would fall into the 20% if I truly followed the 80/20 rule (i. e., if I have 3 meals per day, that means 21 meals per week, out of those, 4.2 [4] meals have to belong to the 20% category while 16.8 [17] must belong to the 80%. If I had 3 meals + 1 snack, 5.6 [7] would fall into the 20% and 22.4 [22] to the 80%. I am also thinking about following Jordan Syatt's advice for a while—3 meals and 2 snacks, the meals have to fit into a plate, the snacks into the palm of your hand and can be either a fruit or a piece of protein).

Finally, I do not know what workout program I should follow. I am really stressed about this. I had decided a few days ago I would only do ballet and Ballet Beautiful for a month but my hips are 94 cm now and fat percentage is closer to 24%. And that shook my conviction completely. So for the time being I will combine FB XT (strength training and HIIT) with Weightless and Ballet Beautiful workouts.

Now, besides these harmful behaviours, how am I feeling?

Worse than ever, because "I let myself go." I gave up, even if I did not notice at first—but why does everything take me so much time to complete? Because I have to drag myself up to do it. I literally feel like I am dragging myself everywhere. Nothing feels exciting anymore. I have to force myself and nothing comes natural. I feel absolutely fat and heavy and I am ashamed both of my behaviours and my appearance.

What do I wish I could achieve in 6 weeks? I want to lose weight, of course. But that is the absolute outcome. I want to organize myself better and learn how to eat without rushing, and learn that it is better to move than to eat when I am anxious. I want to get that feeling of beauty and light and lightness back.

[petalbypetalmyself]

65/366 | Firesticks or Breadsticks?

55.7 kg. Cool. Now I want to die.

So, what do I do about this? Here's the complete data. 55.7 kg | 23.5% BF | 40.3 kg MM.

So, looking at this and my previous experience, it is water retention or food retention or whatever. I mean that these are the usual numbers I see on the scale. What I mustn't do is what I have done this afternoon—overeat on breadsticks.

Now my stomach is unwell. Unhappy.

I did one thing good—ate without distractions during lunch, which lead me not to overeat during lunch. But I gave in to an urge to eat afterwards, the breadsticks situation.

There is a passage in Plato’s Republic about the friction of the Firesticks. Now I must choose between Firesticks or Breadsticks.

Breadsticks are base. Firesticks are what allows us to do justice.

Truth is I eat as urgently as I smoke. I don't savour smoking because it's frankly awful. I hate the taste, smell and how my body feels afterwards. The same goes with food. Very few bites I enjoy. I don't want to allow myself any urges because I hate that rush.

But I must be constructive, not destructive. Thus, I have to come up with solutions. I know breakfast, lunch and snacks are in my control. Dinner I eat either with my mother or partner and we watch a movie or series, which throws off my concentration on mindfully eating.

But deep down we know I can put my fork down. So, the truth is I'm always in control.

[petalbypetalmyself]

64/366 | I want my own habits

Ballet dancers have the most amazing-looking body. And MHB the most amazing-looking legs. In my taste.

Was this cringe enough? Good. But it had to be said for my sake. Why? Because I'm now doubting my decision (as per usual) of allowing myself to work out solely with Ballet Beautiful and ballet classes (online, for the time being) at least until my birthday. And I am challenging myself to complete the Weightless program too.

I've chosen the recipes I will be preparing and getting inspired by this week.

And even if I'll keep crackers and bread for convenience, I will cut out cold-cuts and cheese, and cookies. If I have to indulge, it will be on dates and chocolate 99%.

Ah. To be honest I'm kind of afraid to weigh in tomorrow. I have indulged this weekend (as every weekend). But last week it went down to 54.5 kg on Thursday and it went up to 55.5 kg again on Friday. Can't I stay in the 54 kg range for a while so I only have to go down 1 kg more?

How does one do that?

The thing is, even if the scale went up on Monday in this hypothetical scenario, I shouldn't be afraid of it had I been moderate in my food choices and faithful my desires. Yes, momentarily I wanted a cookie. But how did those cookies made me feel?

And what's more, I only desired them because my partner always eats either cookies, chocolate or bonbons after lunch and after dinner. It's his habit I adopted as mine. In fact, I had never eaten chocolate as such before him. Only powdered with milk for my morning cereal, or some Oreos way down in the past.

I want my own habits. If I can't question them, if I attach myself to his or theirs, who am I? This is something as simple as diet, i. e., a regime.

In 8 days I'll be 25. It's a big number. Who am I?

[petalbypetalmyself]

59/366 | I can do anything for 5 minutes

'twas difficult, but I made the right decision. This morning I struggled with working out. Why? 'Cos I had scheduled FB Booty R2 and I was having mental drama about what I wanted to do—strengh training or ballet workouts. Mental gymnastics are a workout of its own. But in the end I chose a 20min Ballet Beautiful mat workout and a beginners ballet barre by Lazy Dancer Tips. And afterwards I felt really straighten up and relaxed. So much so that I didn't have any problems with my eating afterwards. I ate normally. I didn't crave any sweets or anything else.

I have procrastinated for the greatest portion of today. And boy do I feel that thoreauvian sentence heavy every time I do so—as if you could kill time without injuring eternity.

I ignore the reasons behind my procrastination. But procrastination also leads me to overeat, sometimes binging, other times just eating outside of hunger. So every time I find myself in this pickle I should set a timer for 5 minutes and repeat to myself—I can do anything for five minutes.

Reading is productive. Thinking is productive. I feel better when I'm reading and thinking. One reason I find is the "but I'm not moving, I'm not losing fat." And while the not moving part is true, the fat loss part is probably arguable. In any case, there will be times I will be lucky if I can get on the mat and other times I'll be able to go for a walk, get on the mat, and do some extra work. The important thing is I do stuff.

[petalbypetalmyself]

58/366 | new beginnings

What if I changed my usual "this is the last time I eat cookies/bread/crackers/cold-cuts/cheese" to "I can eat one cookie/one serving of crackers/bread/cold-cuts/cheese and move on with my day without any drama"? Certainly, the first approach has ebbed and flowed me into today, exactly the same spot, weight-wise and mindset-wise, as I was in 2022. Nothing has changed in this area. Except that I binge more frequently. But I'm still 2-3 kg above my goal weight and fat percentage and muscle mass is also the same. What if I enjoyed my workouts? Yesterday I was going to post that I should do round 2 FB Flex (upper body) and FB Booty (legs and, well, booty) to gain strength. And that's one goal of mine, definitely (although it's mainly because I want some upper body definition). But my body is not feeling like it. My body is rather craving some Ballet Beautiful workouts, and Lazy Dancer Tips' ballet fitness and ballet classes. Something more gentle and meditative to end the day. (Also, walking, but without any noise. Just plainly walking in silence, or with company, but without any podcasts or electronic aids of any kind.)

But for some reason I'm still ruminating about this situation—is ballet going to bulk up my legs? Wait, wasn't strength training (FB Booty R2) supposed to be bulking up my legs?

What if I let go of all of this noise and do whatever I wanted to do in the first place?

I feel like I want to take better care of myself and while it's true I shouldn't let eating two cookies spiral into eight cookies I also don't want to eat cookies that frequently because it results in blood sugar crashes and guilt. And also, they aren't really that healthy, aren't they? Processed cookies have hydrogenated oils and artificial flavorings, and lots of sugars, and all those things you don't get from a homemade cookie, or an apple.

So this Weightless mindset that now seems oddly restrictive—when it used to mimic my day-to-day mental processing about food—would be beneficial to some degree to me now.

Yes, I think it would.

The thing is I'm not an athlete. I'm not a gym member and all my weight lifting is done at home with 2 kg dumbbells which are still challenging to me. I'm an average human being. Weight loss will come for me in the form of consistent calorie deficit, increase my TDEE with more movement, and release stress through the workouts I actually want to do. I don't have the time to be constantly worried about this because I'm not an athlete. This is not how I will make my living. If I work out is because I want to work out, and if right now my body is asking me to slow down, I will slow down.

[petalbypetalmyself]

51 & 52/366 | interesting turn of pants

Three pants. Three EU36 pants. Three different fits.

Well, I'm not sure what I wanted to write. But one prompt encouraged by my talk with Stacy was "I'm not sure what to write but my body feels..." well, my body feels dizzy tonight. I think there was a lot of noise and I'm stressed, in a sense, about the many things I'm doing, the many things I want to do, and the many things I have to do. I feel happy but overwhelmed and sometimes bothered to the point of silliness about my body image. But you see, my body will never look as Elsa Hosk's body. And why should it? I'm not in the modelling business, I'm in the deep-dive intellectual business of Philosophy and, if the god allows it, story-telling business. I started my career in Philosophy because I wanted a good base to write about things that are important in an amiable way—narration, drama, about human relationships and introspection. I never imagined how deep Philosophy is and now things have taken a different turn. I might make my living in the form of teaching. Actually, I'm sure I will do that. And I'm finding it right, but difficult. I have three model teachers and two ideals—Plato and Socrates. And maybe I won't be a writer of stories but my model writer (and philosopher) is Montaigne. He's a hell of a model. Elsa Hosk has a horde of aestheticians at her fingertips. But I investigate true Beauty.

Yesterday I found out about the tell-tales of sizing. Three pairs of pants, three EU36 sizes, all different fits. Yes, I have more curves. My arms are flabbier, but stronger too. I'm still 2-3 kg above my goal weight. But in the meantime do I have to make food an issue so dominant that it takes up the space of any real thought?

Truth is "I wish my body looked like X" (Elsa Hosk, Candice Swanepoel, Phoebe Tonkin, Mary Helen Bowers, are the top of the list) crosses my mind more times that the question "Que sais-je ?," but it does so, I think, more often than not out of habit. I'm used to it.

I still feel dizzy. And I want to sleep. But I think I have to add before doing just that that I want to breathe more and rejoice in silence.

[petalbypetalmyself]

50/366 | weight loss is just math & spiralling is not helpful

Yesterday I listened to various Coaching Calls. And they both hit hard. I hit the spot, because I searched for "When All You Want Is Chips" (i. e., when you don't trust yourself around food) and "Self-Discipline." Why? Because I know myself enough as to know what I'm looking for in myself.

Rachel repeated several times during the call that "weight loss is just math." If I stick long enough to my calorie goal, then I will create a deficit that will result in weight loss.

"Weight loss is just math" -> I have been eating around 1800-2500 kcals daily. I haven't created a deficit, but a surplus, at least according to the equation. I should be eating 1650 kcals according to LoseIt, and 1392 kcals according to Jordan Syatt's calculation. I will reach for a range of 1300-1700 (tops!) kcals of only certain foods. More on this later.

"Weight loss is just math" -> I went from 54.8-55.1 kg (even during my period) to almost 56 kg and to 55.5 kg the last time I weighed myself. Probably my weight has gone up again because I went out to dinner and let it spiral until today.

Until today.

"Spiralling is not helpful." That's another phrase of Rachel's. I always let myself obsess and let my thoughts and feelings dictate my unhelpful behaviours consisting in overeating and punishing myself. "I always do this" seems to be saying "therefore this is who I am."

But that's not true. I'm many things and up until this point I let these things blow out of proportion. But how silly is it really? Very silly.

It's so obviously true that what I've been doing up until now is not helpful. I'm not sleeping well at night, I'm not being productive during the day, I'm taking laxatives and sleeping pills frequently and I'm constantly riding on an emotional rollercoaster—bad moods, jumpy attitudes, laughter and crying. These are facts.

But how do I turn them around? Well. Here's when the second podcast I listened to comes in handy.

"Self-discipline is not boring. The only thing self-discipline does is help you do what you want to do." This is a coach's way to say what William James said so beautifully about routines. Routines are helpful because they free our time.

"The only thing self-discipline does is help you do what you want to do."

Deep down I have two wants. I want to lose weight and I want to be more cultivated.

Now, I must manage my time so that I can fulfill both my tasks and my wants.

The key is consistently leveling up. Consistently reminding myself of these two wants. Not only why I'm doing this, because sometimes "Why" is not enough. I have to say no to my own excuses. "It's just one cookie," "I just don't want to do it now," "I'm very tired," etc. I'm doing this for myself. I should start treating myself with respect.

For starters, all of this Ashley Eckhoff business always throws me off balance. I begin obsessing and frankly boring myself to death with her workouts. I don't buy her speech completely, and I don't want to work out because I have to but because I want to. If you lose weight you lose weight overall. Now, I think squats and yada-yada can sometimes bulk you up if you're weight lifting weight, i. e., certain workouts will affect how your body is built. That's why I want to complete these two programs.

FB Flex R2, 3x a week. I want a toned upper body and to have a stronger back.

And then I would like to add ballet and ballet fitness 3x week.

The Weightless program. It's actually very important for me to finish this program. It's not only about food and ballet fitness. But about organisation, home decluttering, time management, discovering what's important to you, tracking your progress. I never had the chance of finishing it and this time I'm committed to do so.

It really feels great, this ballet fitness business. I feel really well now. Mobilized and mobile.

[petalbypetalmyself]

47/366 | Why is it hard for me now to stick to my calorie goals

Probably, mentally, I'm exhausted from all of these years obsessing with weight, appearance, calories, "bulking up," piling up on me. 55.1 kg -> 55.9 kg -> 55.7 kg -> 55.6 kg. Now what?

Well. I'm done doing a lot of things. This time for real. I've been "knowing" I have to quit once and for all since 2019. And that's what I will be focusing on. It will be hard both not to smoke and focusing only on this task (and reducing bread intake). But in the end, when an urge comes, I know there are two wants, i.e., to give in to the urge and to lose weight. And I prefer to lose weight in the end. But I also prefer tranquility. It will be hard to do this. It won't be easy. But thinking about it, have I lost any weight from smoking since the pandemic? No. Have I lost health? Yes. I'm beginning to have small problems with my teeth and my lungs feel heavy, as well as my nostrils. This is the stuff that matters.

Being moderate is an everyday decision.

I ate a lot today too, went over my budget of 1650 kcals. I was so tired this morning and later walked 15k steps. So at night I ate a lot of bread. And smoked 'cause I felt guilty about it and didn't want to think about it and still here I am thinking about it.

I'm exhausted.

But being moderate is the animalistic side of human nature. Being moderate is tamed human nature. So being moderate is the natural everyday decision.

[petalbypetalmyself]

46/366 | little steps

This morning started with a 10min Ballet Beautiful Swan Lake-inspired workout and a weigh-in. From 55.1 kg (morning of the binge) to 55.9 kg (morning after the binge) to 55.7 kg (two mornings after).

Afterwards I did also a 10min Ballet Beautiful waltz workout and hiked until I reached about 10k steps.

But I'm not proud of my eating today. I didn't binge. But when I come home from my internship I'm always starving and I always overeat then on bread, mostly. And that leads me to smoking because I feel guilty. Ironically now I eat better (more balanced) at my partner's, the place in which I developed my overeating problem during the pandemic.

What I hate most about smoking is my instability. My humour is always affected by it, whether I smoke or not. So this is firm. I won't be able to smoke until Monday and I won't smoke on Monday. If I don't smoke on Monday I will be able to maintain it going onwards.

I don't want to have problems with my teeth, mouth, throat and lungs. I love breathing and value smelling too much.

Well, I hated my legs so much today. But you know what, I don't care.