paradoxicallytragic
still thinking...
Living for now.
177 posts
Don't wanna be here? Send us removal request.
Last Seen Blogs
dimelotony
-GMZlyrics-
decodemymind
Yeagerist
okovu
Built Different
insufficientchicken
there's something inside your head
jb-kd
kd
Text
I can't seem to let go of the fact that there is a lesson here that I keep avoiding. It's like I just can't seem to pinpoint that very concept, and it's there right in front of me. Is it simply the 'be concious where your energy goes' or like 'invest your energy only in things you believe in' or is it something else all together. Is it 'not everybody deserves a seat at the table' or 'be mindful of the people you're inviting into your life' but isn't all this too vague. How do you know? How do we know that this loser is going to be a waste of time, energy, and thought when it's actually fun? Is there something about misplaced fun? Like we're not supposed to enjoy this activity, and we're only inviting chaos because it's a convulated idea of fun. Or is it simply just boundaries and establishing lines in concepts, 'this one just comes under fun don't mix emotions' but isn't all this a bit too generic?
When you're at a restaurant and you're sitting in your corner booth bored and lonely, open to someone joining you, do you give whomever comes, a shot? If you're bored and need some company for the time being, sure. It's a way to pass time, not form attachments. But everytime the 'passtime' leaves and you're wanting a bit more of it, what is it then? You're not looking for a passtime hun, you want full-time company. The lesson obviously here is 'knowing what you want' but what about fun then? Why is there such a gray area here? What if you just want company for a hour but everyday? Do you become open to being less picky? It's just for the time being anyway, right? But is it really?
Alleged moral of the story - not everybody deserves a seat at the table, don't bend over backwards for anybody, know what you want, your worth lies where you put your energy. Lastly, remind yourself of the boundaries always.
But I still wonder tho, aren't you supposed to go after what you want ? Or maybe that law isn't applied here cause the situation is all different.
-sitting.in.a.restuarant
0 notes
Text
If I had encountered you in January, I would have thrown up in your face. But not in April, in April I'm far too past it. January is too long gone that it doesn't even matter anymore. The devil, villian, demon role that you played back then that shook me to my core, none of it mattered as I was walking towards you. Yes, I do have this dissociation issue, where my heart starts racing and my brain goes bare but not yesterday. I saw you walking towards me, and I couldn't run and hide anywhere without calling attention, so I walked towards you. Staring I was, in fascination mostly because of my reaction, I was doing it, in that moment, I was facing my fears and there was no way out, inwardly even chuckling at the universe for the day it gave me, it had to give me the cherry on top. My life was great, my life is going great, ain't nobody thinking about the one rotten cherry on top.
I actually did not truly prepare for this moment. How could I hold you accountable and still be cordial? I knew I would not talk to you but I acknowledged your presence, I know a half smile was much more than what you deserved but we know me, my blank expressions, who's even sure you interpreted it as that? I was as normal as I could be because oblivion is inevitable. My brain was obviously scrambling through ways I could escape, and I did, normally, no cinematics, just a 'ill see you' to my friend and walking away. Then I ran home, obviously, but anyway.
I keep thinking about victories. What did this encounter say? You won cause I did run away? Was it me accepting defeat? Should I have stayed there in an uncomfortable situation, faced my fear a bit more? Is this battle even worth fighting? Walking away is the best thing anyone can do, right? Why are we always wanting to put our energies in people, places, and things where it doesn't belong? If he wants this victory, he can keep it? Hang it in the corners of his heart, feed the ego all he wants, what's it to me? I'm focusing on sticking to my orbit, my life, prioritizing the things I want, a few people lost along the way is not that great of a loss, keeping my ego in check, protecting my energy. Life can play out in that area the way it wants to, I don't want any part in it, I'm good.
What's important to me?
I don't want to stand on some moral high ground and establish myself as a better human being. I don't want the comparison. You're not on my level cause there are no levels. We're all in our orbits that may cross sometimes, but I don't have to knock you off yours just cause you crossed mine. There are no winning orbits. This is not a race. Just gotta stay in your lane. We're the most powerful in our orbit anyway, I don't necessarily want to cross yours, and you don't necessarily have to cross mine. If it ends up happening, it ends up happening. Man, all I'm saying is just live and let live.
-saw.a.ghost.again
0 notes
Text
I am not a ray of sunshine. I am darkness, yes, maybe, the sparkly, starry, bejeweled kind but I'm not a ray if sunshine. I don't possess the warm to thaw you, I am not orchids in summer or spring. I am rather fall and winter. I am not the warmth of a cozy sweater on a winter morning but I may be the lemon iced tea on a sunny day. In a world where my part is expected to be the light, I've turned out to be dark. I might be a godess but of the underworld, flowers don't bloom around me, they fall and twigs stick out, edgy and sword like. I can dazzle but in shades of navy, grey and maroon. A rose, beautiful but deadly, that's what God made me to be. So why does the world expect me to be the sunflower ? Why do I want to be a sunflower?
-it-always-goes-dark
0 notes
Text
I don't think I'm easy to forget, you know. And no, I don't mean that in an arrogant oh-I'm-so-awesome-way. I simply mean that everybody leaves some form of imprint on someone. Obviously, that's not in the case of all strangers, but where were we strangers? We were anything but. And do people generally forget people who curse them? I mean, I still think about the girl who called me a bitch in high-school sometimes so it's only fair to think that we all succumb to human tendencies. Aren't we all unique and different, and when you know a unique fact about someone, that's just that then, stored in memory somehow under the new information section. Something like a fun fact. So yes, I do think that you think about me sometimes. If you were a lesson to me who's to say I wasn't to you? An event, a situation that did shift something somewhere. Maybe it was a simple 'I wanted her, I got her situation' where you're just instilling your power in the universe, which is great, good for you! we're all the main characters of our story anyway. So yeah, I'm not locking my worth in a bottle and throwing it in the ocean, I know I'm good enough. Hell, I'll go out on a limb and even say too good for you cause why not. But you wouldn't think that and I guess that's okay too, each to its own. However, somewhere deep down we always know, no matter how many facades, no matter how many layers, we're all sad and broken but being unhinged about it. I just wish you realised your worth in the true sense and not tried collecting people like Pokémon to validate you. I wish you realised you are enough for you, and lifting people up is where peace lies. I wish you respect yourself enough to treat others with respect as well. I hope you heal.
~you.are.worthy.of.good.things.just.like.plants.are.worthy.of.rain
0 notes
Text
I think my problem lies in misplaced wantings. I know, I know there is nothing wrong with wanting something, but when it involves another person, I don't care about that side as much. I'm selfish. There, I said it. So yes, that situation was just me wanting something and being denied after agreeing to give it to me. It's annoying. Maybe I'm just that problem child in a toy store that you can not for the love of God level with. I get it, I'm trying to grow up. Then again, I don't think I'll take all the blame and absolve the other person involved. There was trauma and tragedy on that side, too. After all, we accept the love we think we deserve, right? I just wish sometimes that we knew ourselves better and were comfortable in our skin. No matter how itchy or allergic to sunshine it is, we could be happy cause it's ours.
So yeah, I do think we could have worked. But then again, if we could have, then we would have, and that's where the 'we were not meant to be' lies. It's not because we were incompatible or didn't like each other enough. It was simply that this is how far our relationship goes.
~we-werent-each-others-end-of-the-roads
0 notes
Text
I really want to mention this simply cause I will come back to this for reference purposes,
You can miss being with someone, you can miss the times you had, you can miss the touch, you can miss the good feeling you got when they hugged you. But I hope you know that no matter how hard you ignore the warning signs and red flags, eventually they catch up with you. Playing games is all fun and games until it turns toxic to your brain. So yes, they catch up to you, to the point where you can't ignore it anymore and think that leaving is the best option. I know it's hard to leave when you're attached at that level, but knowing when something isn't serving you and choosing better for yourself is where true love lies. True love for yourself. So all I'm saying is you can miss the hugs, kisses and intertwined hands because that is something you liked and wanted but you cannot forget the downsides of the person, downsides that you weren't okay with or you thought were simply not it. I hope you can find solace in the fact that you did good for you in the larger sense even though situationally it doesn't make sense.
You know you, good things take time, patience is helpful if not the key, just trust me you'll be fine.
~Chicago
0 notes
Text
There were flashes of you everywhere. Even when you probably weren't around me, I could see you. Yes, maybe you just have a common face, a common appearance to most other men of our ethnicity, but you were there. You saw me, I know you did, multiple times, even if both of us had glares on. The only difference was that I wore glares to actually protect my eyes, whereas you did cause you love being the cool guy who likes being in control. Anyway, though, you do you. I think what I am here to say is that I have nothing to say to you. And there is nothing I want you to say to me either. I don't want to be friends with you because simply I don't think I'd be comfortable with that, but neither do I want to punch you in the face. There is nothing from my side. Your existence has no meaning to me, and I don't think that is wrong. I don't even think that whatever happened was wrong either, it could be simply classified as mishaps because ultimately we're silly little human beings that think they know what they want but they really don't and we tend to fuck up our navigations more than we think and I guess that's okay. Yeah, so I don't think I hate you or me, I don't want anything out of this, I sometimes wish we were smarter, but we're not, and that's okay. I don't want to establish myself a winner just because you left the area first, and neither do I want to establish myself as the loser because I forgo all of my sanity just cause I wanted something.
But there, in a sea of strangers and some familiar faces, a stray thought crossed my mind; you were ashamed just like I was. We're ashamed of our actions, and for a second, it felt good not to be the only one ashamed. Anyways, though, if that is the case, you have to heal you and I have to heal me. We don't need to be in each others orbits for that. Closure is obtained from within, not outside.
I know I keep thinking that I shouldn't let it slide, the gaslighting, the manipulation, the intent to hurt, but this is not war. We don't play offense with offense, and me taking myself out of the situation is just as a plausible reaction as anything.
I wish it wasn't like that, though. I wish people did not reach that level of strangeness with people they're shared something intimate with, pass by without a hi. Knowing you know someone, but then you also don't. But I also know that is it important to respect ourselves enough to not be friendly with people that you did not have a pleasant ending with.
It's okay to un-know someone. It's okay if you don't want to honor the good cause the bad was so bad. You're not holding a grudge if you don't want to be associated with someone. We pick our orbits, and changing yours is perfectly okay. It's okay if the existence or lack thereof of an orbit is not bothering you in anyway. You're not a bad person for walking away. I mean, who am I kidding, I said my piece and then walked away so I should be okay. Actually, I'm getting there.
Anyway, to end it, you do you, I do me. Separately, obviously. I don't think our orbits would cross, not that I want them to, but I don't want to waste another thought on you either. You were just someone. Anyway, we're past that, we move. Peace.
~it's-ok-to-grieve-the-good-times-even-if-they-lasted-for-15-seconds
0 notes
Text
He carried me down the stairs because my legs were aching, he always intertwined our fingers when we held hands, his hugs always lasted a bit longer, he gave me his jacket when I was cold, he put my scarf for me, he cupped my cheeks when he kissed me and he made sure I was comfortable all the time! How do people do these things and say they meant nothing? How do people like you and leave you? How do people be nice to you and then look at you like a mental asylum runaway? How do people say you're the person of their dreams and follow it with a 'we're incompatible'?
I can not, for heaven's sake, forget the way he looked at me and the way it made me feel, after all that? I can't forget that for a second, I felt like the crazy, obsessed, psychotic girl who kept begging him for scraps of love. How could he trace his fingertips down places no one has ever been and tell me I'm delusional? How do people do this? How could he do this? He was nice. He cared. How do people do this?
I guess the jokes on me somehow. But not anymore. The more you trust, the more you lose, so I'm done. I'm done playing and getting played harder in return. I'm shutting the book and turning off the lights. I'm really fucking done with mediocre people trying to mess my brain. I'm tired, and I can't have every single cell within my body on a lookout. Putting my hands up, I'm out. Y'all do you.
~Taking.a.bow
0 notes
Text
Starting to think that kiss was your goodbye too. I wasn't the only one saying it, you were too. It's so funny how I don't remember beginnings as much as I remember the endings. The long hugs, the kisses on cheek and what's more to come? I'm going to start associating everything good with an end and hope to make it? Anyway, onto the next, hitting reset, hitting refresh, hitting next level, hitting new, hitting New York.
-year ends
1 note
·
View note
Text
Will we stay the same?
You stood outside my window, watching me avoid your calls, but I picked up the third one.
You told me to come outside, but I said I haven't showered yet, and you said it doesn't matter, so I threw on a jacket over my pajamas and ventured out in the cold.
You were leaving the next day and you wanted to see me before you did, why?
If this just exists behind closed doors, why did you come knock on mine? This back and forth, the hot and cold, the 'I'll get attached to you if we chat' feels childish, we're too old for this. I'm too old for this. So I had already decided that I wouldn't carry you into the new year.
We walked in the winter rain while you tended to phone calls, like always. I really wonder why you do that, am I that unbearable?
I walked you till the corner of the street cause I couldn't walk you home and you hugged me, it was long, it was the end. I whispered bye in your ear, and we pulled apart.
But you hugged me again, and you kissed me on the cheek, all this while my head repeating 'it's all a goodbye' so I said, 'don't text me' and honestly I meant it. But you chuckled and held my hand still.
I wished you safe travels and said 'bye' for the last time and turned around, left you at that corner of the street. Our hands slowly parting as I walked away. I didn't look back, normally I do, I always do, I really wanted to but I kept telling myself it's goodbye. You're not someone I like.
I can't keep breeding infatuation out of boredom and then keep shooting myself over it. I can't be in pain cause I'm bored and neither can I be so love starved that I'd walk right into chaos. I'm choosing different this time.
I'm choosing goodbye.
~If.its.not.hell.yes.its.no.thank.you
0 notes
Text
Guess who's back? Maybe astrology is real, and 'Lover's caught in retrograde' just found itself a new meaning. But it doesn't matter anymore, got over you, got under someone else, the usual. What's funny though, is me getting out of a mess and getting into another one. I'm seeing the pattern here and it's straight up pathetic. Someone likes me, I don't care but then I find it fascinating so I do. Queue the obsession and suffering and 'don't want this to end'. Find someone new, restart. Not sure if these are attachment issues or abandonment issues but what's worse is this feeling that just as soon as I get into the water, they want to leave? What's that thing about me that keeps them from staying ? Should I start hating myself? Or should I just never give up on being a shrouded mystery simply because what you'll find is not worth finding. Or is it the universe trying to teach me the same lesson after lesson and I'm hell bent on not understanding. You're back and I don't want you. I didn't want him but now I do. He mentioned that he wished I didn't want him cause that'd hurt much more too. What kind of loser wrote this script I swear I want out. Any mishap and I just want to give up, my reaction to everything is I don't care, walk away but then it shouldn't hurt to do so? Then I decide to stay away from people until I get really bored and get into the cycle again. Can sometimes tell me what is the secret to a fucking relationship? Long lasting is still a distant concept. Are you not supposed to open up literally and metaphorically? Are you supposed to strategies better? Why couldn't this just be an eff W bee?
-where-did-i-go-wrong-?
0 notes
Text
I keep thinking he's healing me over something you had no business breaking, but oh well. He rubs my hands when I'm feeling cold, he shoves our intertwined fingers in his jacket pockets cause my jacket is not warm enough, he doesn't shy away from holding me in public, he feeds me everytime he's eating something and he's gentle with his kisses, on the forehead or otherwise. He's doing all this when he's not even mine, but you were, and yet you did none of it. I don't know whether he really acres about me or is simply pretending to, but I don't care as long as he is 'satisfying' our needs. I'm honestly even scared to want more, so I'm enjoying whatever we have, and it's good. It's helping somewhere.
-Don't-you-dare-make-a-comeback-into-my-life
0 notes
Text
His hugs are long-lasting, but who's going to tell him that they make me feel like it's a goodbye? Because that's the only time you embraced me truly, held me for the longest time because that was going to be our last for a long time or atleast that's what we thought, it was actually just our last. So yes, his hugs scare me a little, and I'm trying to do this thing where I'm trying not to get attached to him. I'm not sure which feeling is the worst, though. The one where he hugs me like I'm supposed to be hugged or the one where I don't let myself feel for him or anyone.
-How-can-good-things-be-triggering-?
0 notes
Text
He reached for my hand, and I shoved them into my hoodie pockets but he still held my arm though just till we crossed the street..
I don't want to say that kissing him was a mistake or I regret it because I really don't see it like that. Maybe it was the universe giving me a second chance at you but who am I kidding? He wasn't you.
Yes, I know, I'm a horrible person, but I was so deprived that I leaped into the opportunity. You're clouding me brain too much, but people are not you!
Anyway, maybe this is another step to getting you out of my system, if I can feel a little something for someone I don't even like then maybe what I felt for you was just as much of a scam as anything else in the world.
Life is such a lie.
I just want to feel the way one direction, love songs, and wattpad made me feel, but in this day and age, that sounds so out of this world haha.
Moving on, literally and metaphorically, a part of me still hopes I'll feel one day but, right now I can't feel anything through these fears.
0 notes
Text
Wind in my hair
Color on my cheeks you cannot bare
Everybody thinks I'm pretty
But everytime I look in the mirror
I only see the monster in me
0 notes
Text
It pisses me off when someone assumes I'm heartbroken. Because I'm not. And no, I'm not in denial either. I truly don't believe that my heart is broken, come on, my heart is much stronger than that.
However, it did sting.
Like when you win the lottery, but the ticket is gone with the wind.
Like when you've tasted authentic cheesecake and no other place serves cheesecake like that.
Like when you're this close to the finish line and someone zooms past you winning first prize.
So yes, It was a heart drop moment but I wouldn't go all out and call it a heartbreak.
Hell, I wouldn't even go back to him if he comes knocking on my door because that ship has sailed for me.
But that doesn't mean it still doesn't sting sometimes, like the vacation you wanted to take after exams, but couldn't cause exams got postponed.
The moment when you feel the frustration of 'damn, I had that!'
So yes, some songs remind me of him, and some movies or posts do too, but mostly it's just the feeling of loss, grief. My heart is okay.
Yes, if I found unicorn, I'm sure there will be more, or there might be a better cheesecake I come across, but patience is a skill I haven't mastered yet, and nobody likes struggles.
I'm not heartbroken, I'm human.
-it takes time.
1 note
·
View note