palaging-sumasaiyo

[palaging-sumasaiyo]

thinking about having my way with you in the shower. the water is hot and steam rises around us. water runs rivulets down our bodies, leaving droplets all over your skin. cheeks flushed and lips parted, you look ethereal.

i spin you around, your back against my front, cupping your breasts and thumbing over your pretty, pretty nipples. you gasp, and i laugh—oh, look at them harden. my hands travel over the softness of your waist before resting on your hips.

you lean back, lips searching for a kiss. you needy little thing. i adore you. our mouths meet, and i take the opportunity to slide my hand over your cunt, ghosting my thumb over your clit. and i'm absolutely floored because you're so swollen and puffy already. my fingers slip through a flood of wetness and slide inside. so greedy, darling.

[palaging-sumasaiyo]

having short-term memory is like. this book profoundly affected me. that show bared my soul. i don’t remember a single thing about it. but it did

[palaging-sumasaiyo]

When you're suddenly hit with the realization that you're probably just wasting people's time, you will shut down. Rethink every possible decision you've ever made that affects them, then getting hit with another realization that you can never take it back, and that you have to make sense with whatever's left with you now even if there's not a lot.

You just kinda wish for it to end.

[palaging-sumasaiyo]

I hate na nadadamay ka sa ka-shitty-han ng buhay ko, ng ugali ko, ng mood ko. Pero I can't help it, I wanna be better. I've been trying for God knows how long.

It's the relapses, I'm blaming them for it.

I can't lose you. I know how unhealthy this relationship is because of me, and I hate myself for doing this to you. And I'm sorry that I need to get away because I hate myself when the first thing that comes to my mind when I think or I feel like I'm hurting you–is giving you up. I hate that the only solution I have just to stop hurting your feelings is to break up with you. I don't want to break up with you, I don't even want to think about it. And I want to get away from that thought as far as possible.

Now, I realized that all I'm trying to get away from is you. Is this even helping anyone? I don't want to hurt you anymore, kaso ba't ako ganito? Why can't I just be normal?

[palaging-sumasaiyo]

I've struggled and fought my pride. Scared that someone your type couldn't see past my flaws.

[palaging-sumasaiyo]

I miss people.

I miss her so much. I miss everything about her.

I miss her smile. I miss her laugh. I miss her face. I miss our calls, her pictures in the morning, her goodnights, her we'll be fines. Everything.

I don't know what this isolation from people does for me. This is self destruction at its best, but why does it have to be so hard? To be around people again?

I miss my mommy. I miss her stories whenever she has to stay in the table just so I won't be alone while I eat dinner solo. I miss getting out. I wish I don't have to wait for people to be gone just so I can eat my own meal without them looking at me, or asking me what's happening.

And I don't know if I will like it more if they stopped asking me, or when they actually left me alone. If they stopped knocking on my little door. Or when they stopped sending the kambal upstairs just to check up on me because according to them, they're the only ones who can actually make me get up.

I miss having plans, and caring about school. I'm afraid that I don't care anymore and I will lose everything. But I don't want to do anything about it.

I just miss, I don't know, pretending to be ok. I wish I can go back to pretending to be ok again.

[palaging-sumasaiyo]

You're my courage when I worry in the dead of night.

You're my strength 'cause I'm not strong enough to win this fight.

You are greater than the battle raging in my mind.

I will fear no more.

[palaging-sumasaiyo]

going Selena

[palaging-sumasaiyo]

Not turning the lights off even if they're blinding me because the darkness brings the sadness out of me and I'll cry.

[palaging-sumasaiyo]

Blogging from my computer. Couldn't even fix the bed, I don't know if I don't want to or I just don't have the energy. Avoiding people that are important to me while being well aware that I am hurting them and they don't deserve it.

Haven't even uttered a word since I got home.

[palaging-sumasaiyo]

guess all i'm trying to say is ayoko na. sa lahat.

[palaging-sumasaiyo]

One paper cut a day. Some days–a little splinter, and it has never been pulled since. On rare days it was detachment, and some days you just want it to end. There are still days, so many days when I wanted to heal, and fight, and fix those little damages. Some days I did it, some–I did not.

It tires me, it wears me out.

And now, what we had before is just the two pieces of what was a one thing, held together with strings that forces it to be together forever.

Exhausting. Don't know how, but works still.

[palaging-sumasaiyo]

I feel like needing a lot of space. I'm hurting everyone around me as I am trying not to. I feel invisible, and hopeless, and I don't know why but I blame that night. Nothing good happened ever since, and I've been down since I left.

The things I so wanted to do, the people I so wanted to meet, and the things I've been looking forward to does not excite me anymore. Nothing excites me anymore, and I'm tired of pretending that I can hide this with watching movies and just letting people think I'm the same.

I haven't had a good night's sleep for fuck's sake.

3 weeks.

Dark. Lonely. Afraid. Tired. Angry. Irritated. Alone.

The world is spinning for everyone, they're moving with it and I feel like I'm not. And me not wanting to do anything about it scares me even more.

[palaging-sumasaiyo]

When things are finally over, when the one you chose to spend your whole life with is there waiting for you at the altar, when the people who are witnesses of your ups and downs cannot help but cry, and when it hit you that you're almost there.

I hope that your heart is filled with so much joy, and you're not just pretending to be happy.

[palaging-sumasaiyo]

May ligaya pala sa paglalakad sa hindi mo nakikilalang mga kalsada; Daanan ang mga hindi mo nakikilalang mga tao; Kasabay ang taong habambuhay mong gusto kilalanin habang nagpapababa ng kinain. Masarap palang kumain ng ininit na lasagna sa 7/11 habang takot na pinanonood kung paanong sigawan ng tambay at ng staff nila ang isang shoplifter. Nakakatawa, pero totoo. Nakakatuwang makipagbiruan sa parloristang si "Chantal" habang sabay tayong nagpapagupit, kahit ilang beses niyang ibinaling ang ulo ko paharap dahil gusto kong makita ka mula sa salamin.

May hatid palang saya ang mga baraha – nagpapaalalang hindi ka dapat matakot sumugal, lalo na kung matatalo ka dahil may parusa naman itong halik. Masayang palalimin ang gabi nang may kasabay, masayang manood ng nakakaiyak, nakakaiyak maging masaya. Masayang may balikat na iiyakan at kamay na hahagod sa lahat ng sakit dahil alam mong bukas ay aalis ka na ulit.

Ang sarap ipunin ng mga ala-ala – nagpapaalalang lahat ng gagawin ko na kasama ka ay palagi kong ikaliligaya. Kaya't bago pumalo ang antok ay hihiling munang sana hindi na dumating ang bukas. Ang kaso lang ay darating pa rin ito, at sana bago ko mapansin na hindi ko na hawak ang kamay mo ay magkasama na ulit tayo.

[palaging-sumasaiyo]

ibalik ko lang, huhu

Alas Dose | Agsunta

______________________________________________________

Part 1 – of things I imagined while listening to this song.

Inabot na naman tayo ng kinabukasan sa presensya ng isa't-isa, puyat at wala pang tulog ang pareho nating mga mata. Parang ayaw ko na rin namang pumikit dahil hindi ko gustong hindi ka nakikita.

Binubusog mo ako ng mga kwento tungkol sa nanay mong 'di mo na ulit nakita matapos niyang sabihin na may bibilhin lang siya; at pagtatawanan naman natin buong magdamag ang kwento bago ako iwan ng tatay ko sa kapitbahay namin para tumaya sa lotto.

Isang hithit pa ng sigarilyo, at sinasabi ko sa'yo na ito na ang huli. Hindi dahil sa pinagbabawalan mo na ako, o hindi mo gusto ang amoy nito sa bagong laba mong mga polo, 'di rin dahil sa hindi mo na gusto ang lasa ng mga labi ko tuwing hahalikan mo.

Sarili ko lang ang nagdesisyon na umayaw, ang sabi kasi nila ang isang stick daw ng bawat sigarilyo ay pitong minuto ang inaalis sa haba ng buhay ko.

Hindi na ako gagamit ulit.

Gusto kong makasama ka pa nang matagal, at nanghihinayang ako sa lahat ng pitong minuto na naalis sa buhay ko na dapat ibinigay ko na lang sa'yo. Naisip kong paano kung dumating ang isang gabi na pitong minuto na lang bago mag alas dose, gusto kong abutan ng kinabukasan kasama ka.

Hindi ko pa alam kung kailan mangyayari 'yon kaya ngayon pa lang pinag-iipunan ko na. Ang bawat pagtanggi sa yosi na inaalok ng iba, ay katumbas ng pitong minuto pang kasama ka.

Ako ang may bisyo, ako ang mahilig gumawa ng kalokohan, hindi nararapat sa iyo ang katulad kong hindi pa alam ang gustong mangyari sa buhay. Ako ang sumisira sa sarili kong mundo dahil sa kagustuhan kong sumaya sa maling paraan, ako ang hindi marunong makinig, ako ang huli na nung tumigil.

Pero bakit ikaw ang kinuha?

Bakit ikaw ang nawala?

— h.c. (palaging-sumasaiyo)

[palaging-sumasaiyo]

Kung Bakit Ako Natahimik

Biyernes ng Gabi | h.a.c.

Matagal na noon ang isang linggo kapag hindi ako nakapagsusulat, pakiramdam ko ay palaging may naghihintay – mga tambay sa harap ng pagkain nilang sobrang tagal maubos dahil walang kasabay, mga taong wala pang ligo dahil hindi mabuhat ang katawan sa bigat ng lungkot, mga piraso ng papel na may sulat pa ang likod, mga taong ginagawang tubig ang kape, at kape ang alak. Mga taong kagaya ko– noon.

Mga taong haharap sa buwan at sisigaw ng mga panalanging hindi matutupad dahil hindi kayang bigyan ng buwan ng kaliwanagan ang lahat; at masyado nang tahimik ang gabi para sumigaw. Mas naririnig daw kasi ni Bathala ang ang mga dasal na walang tunog, ang dahilan siguro kung bakit mas pinipili nating umiyak nang tahimik.

Ngayon ay ang pang-siyam na linggo na ng hindi ko pagdaldal gamit ang sarili kong buhay. At baka nga tama ang sabi-sabing nakawawala ng pagkamalikhain ang ligaya at mas nakapagsusulat tayo ng maganda depende sa kung gaano kapangit sa atin ang mundo. No'ng umating kasi siya sa akin, isa-isa nang nagtago ang mga lungkot; Alam kong nagtago lang ang mga ito at hindi tuluyang nawala dahil bumabalik din sila kapag nawawala siya– ang aking Ligaya.

Kaya't pasensya kung nabawasan ko ang ingay, dahil sa piling niya ako payapa. Sa piling niya ako natatahimik. Sa piling niya ako napapahinga.

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