Tumgik
pacifymebby · 3 hours
Text
t r o u b l e / chapter thirty three
Tumblr media
Sonya
Despite their disbelief, and perhaps in some ways despite my own, when my brothers raised their brows and smirked down at me like we were all in on some kind of in-joke, I remained determined. Standing in front of them with my arms crossed over my chest, tears streaking my cheeks and brimming in my eyes as I looked up at them both with a fierce kind of defiance. It was a look that had they been asked they'd have said they'd not seen from their other sisters. Only me.
"Sonya love, have you ever actually cooked breakfast before?" Chuckled Arthur not realising the cold glare he would receive from me until it was too late. Until the steely look in my eyes had left him swallowing a lump in his throat whilst Tommy laughed at his sudden shyness.
"Fen no one's asking you to cook breakfast eh, we've not got the time anyway... If you want to help why don't you go put the kettle on, nice strong cup of coffee will see us right." Said Tommy, his own expression a little softer though he was still smirking too, still laughing at me quietly, thinking I couldn't tell that he was laughing at me quietly.
So I fixed him with the same determined glare and I tried my best to strike the same icy warning into his heart. But his had always been impenetrable and so he didn't flinch. Only patted me on the cheek and let his lips tug into a small closed lipped smile before sending me on my way.
And because I wasn't Sylvie I did as I was told. Stormed through the hallway and into the kitchen, feeling the cool of the stone floor on my feet, wishing it would cool the humiliation burning inside me and on my skin so that no one else could witness my childish temper. The tears which had flushed my cheeks the way they would have done a little girl.
I put the coffee pot on the stove and lit the gas burner watching it with determined eyes. I held myself with my arms around my body, fingers grazing my shoulders, trying to hold myself together and soothe my wild emotions. It all felt so tight, so overwhelming, this choked up feeling in my chest and in my throat as I tried to hold back the tears.
They'd laughed at me, I'd wanted to help and they'd chuckled and dismissed my concerns the way they always had ever since I was a little girl. Me and Sylvie had always been those sisters, the ones who couldn't possibly understand, the ones who were too sweet for their own good and so we're affectionately smirked at and dismissed with ease.
Even now when it was Sylvie we were all so fucking concerned for. They still couldn't spare me a shred of seriousness.
I flinched when I felt hands on top of mine over my shoulders. A startled breath escaping me as my body stiffened.
"Use the cafetiere," Aunt Pol's voice was husky but warm, she sounded like she'd spent the night out in the gardens and when I remembered what Bonnie had told me the night before I couldn't help but smirk. "That's how I like to slow them down when their reckless schemes start running away with them." She rubbed her hands over my shoulders, holding me back against her in a motherly embrace. One which didn't help me hold back my tears. "Now, what's this I hear about you spending the night snuggled up with a gypsy lad eh?" She asked with a teasing light in her eyes when she spun me around to face her, trying to distract me by painting a blush on my cheeks.
I'd hardly thought of Bonnie since my brothers had returned to the manor covered in blood, that wild murderers look in their hollow features. Now that Polly had reminded me of the way I'd spent the early hours of the morning cradled in his gentle arms, it was hard not to think of anything else. Hard to ignore the twinge of guilt the butterflies in my tummy evoked.
So I looked at her with my head cocked and smirked.
"Could ask you the same question..."
And when I said that her eyes went wide and her smile grew to a grin of disbelief, her laughter a low chuckle as she feigned spanking my cheek.
"Cheeky little girl!" She laughed, though she didn't deny my suggestion and her smile told me everything I needed to know.
That Bonnie had been telling the truth. But more than that, she was happy. Really happy.
"You look so shocked Pol," I said slyly, my smile teasing now, my blush faded at the sight of hers, "don't you know no one gets to keep secrets in this family..."
I hadn't meant to wipe the smile off her face or leave her with a guilty shadow in her eyes. I'd only been teasing, thought we were in on the joke together but when I saw the way her face fell I felt another shard of guilt through my heart.
"Oh Pol I'm..." I began but she shook her head, smile twitched in the corner of her mouth.
"Don't be sorry love," she said, "I'm as sure it's true as anyone else..." she said taking the pot of the stove and filling the cafetiere. "There's a trolley love," she said, "and a tray... The trick is to force them to slow down... You want them to eat when they're in this state? You have to trick them into it... Fuckin thick headed cunts the lot of them..."
"Men in general or just my brothers?" I asked dryly as I arranged a vintage tea set and placed the cafetiere at the center of the tray on the trolley.
"There are some..." she mused, that twinkle in her eyes as she looked at me, "and when you find one you make sure to do much more than cuddle up on the sofa for the evening my girl..." she winked before sending me on my way.
I rolled my eyes, kept the thought to myself.
That I already had found one. That I already had done more than cuddle up on the sofa for the evening. That the evidence of that was growing in my womb cradled inside me. Terrifying me.
"Well well," chuckled John when I disturbed the peace in the dining room with the rattle of the trolley. "There was me thinking we'd spoiled you so much you didn't know where the kitchen was..." he teased, leaning back in his chair, his legs kicked up on the dining table as he scrolled his phone.
The kids were in the living room and the sound of cartoon network could be heard through the open doors. The television turned up a little too loud, probably on purpose.
I knew what they were like my brothers see, turn the TV up and shut the kids in the living room out of the way, let the kids think they're pulling one over on the adults by staying in there quietly, watching the TV all morning instead of going outside or doing their homework. They'd probably feel so proud of themselves, so mischievous and clever. Really it was just their dad's wanting them out the way for a few hours whilst they ironed out the details of their next dark deed.
"Ain't for you..." I narrowed my eyes at him but the smirk on my lips was enough to let him know I didn't mean it.
"Don't know if you've noticed Fen but I'm the only one here..." he grinned, the kind of shit eating grin he'd always been able to piss me off with. More so that morning because I knew he was right, I'd noticed Tommy and Arthur's absence the second I'd walked in.
The fact that I'd been breaking silence was enough to tell me that my brothers had once again tried to manipulate the situation, even if only so they could sneak away without so much as a coffee. So that they could push my concerns and Pols concerns to the side. Carry on charging ahead as if they were the only people in the world that mattered.
But whatever they'd been planning they'd failed. That much became apparent when Arthur came stumbling through the door, arms raised above his head in surrender ducking out the way of a whipped tea towel.
"Now you fuckin get in there, sit yourselves down and drink your sodding coffee! Your sisters been thoughtful enough to brew it so you'll bloody well sit down and enjoy it!" Scolded Polly following him into the room, turning with her hand on her hip to Tommy who stood in the doorway watching as his brother fell into a chair at the dining table. His freshly washed hair still dripping wet onto his new shirt.
Tommy chuckled, stroked his chin as he took in the sight of his defeated brother, as he looked between me and Polly and shook his head.
"Fuckin women..." he shook his head, a smirk on his lips which didn't fly with our aunt.
"Fuckin women are the only reason any of you daft cunts are still alive!" She said sharply, "now sit down Thomas..."
"Alright, alright.." he chuckled pulling a chair out from the table, sitting down slowly, too casually. Pols scolding leaving no mark on him as he folded the collar of his shirt down and finished doing up the buttons.
The two of them had clearly been so much determined to leave before we could notice, that they'd barely dressed themselves, shoes on before their shirts were tucked in or their watches were set.
"Alright," sighed Tommy, "we'll drink the fuckin coffee... " He sat back in his chair, arms resting on the arms, looking up at Polly with that quiet, smirking sort of challenge in his eyes. Like he was laughing at us both quietly. But he wouldn't dare laugh at Polly.
"Thank you Fen, you shouldn't have..." nodded Arthur a little stiffly, his voice gruff as he raised his empty mug in my direction awkwardly.
Tommy watched me as I reached for the press, pushing it slowly with a trembling hand. I couldn't tell you why I was so nervous but in that moment I felt all the weight in the world pushing down with me, felt like everyone in the room was watching me. Like the rising tension was dependent entirely on me. If I made one wrong move, pushed the press a little too quickly, if I spilt any when I poured them each a cup, the whole thin conversation would tear in two. I felt the words rush from me before I knew what I was asking or why I was asking it.
"You said he hasn't hurt her?" I asked in the same moment Arthur opened his mouth to break the silence too. We'd always been the same side of nervous.
"No Fen, he hasn't hurt her." Said Tommy calmly. It was unnerving the way his expression didn't change.
"Good," I said, I could hear the slight rattle of metal on metal as my trembling fingers hovered over the cafetiere. Knew I was only talking now to drown it out. "That's good."
"Thomas..." started Pol, she hasn't sat down, had remained standing there in my periphery, in shadow. When she spoke now it was with conviction, a desperation she was trying to hide from me and me only.
And then Tommy let out a sigh, one of those long drawn out sort of sighs. The kind I knew would be followed by a question. The kind of question I knew was going to start another fight. I just hadn't expected his question to be directed at me.
"What are you doing making us coffee for Fen?"
"Just drink your fucking coffee Thomas for fuck sake..." started Polly, the roll of her eyes enough to leave Arthur smirking like a naughty school boy. But Tommy didn't seem to notice at all.
"No really, Fen... what are you doing? You shouldn't be making us fuckin coffee..." and suddenly although he spoke quietly, I could see a kind of worn out frustration in his eyes. In the way he held my gaze when I froze with the cafetière hovering above Arthur's coffee cup.
"I mean, now that we're here brother, it has been a long night and a coffee would probably take the edge off the drive down..." Started Arthur, only trailing off when Tommy raised his hand to silence him, moved his cold eyes from me to our older brother without a word.
I looked between them, the cafetière feeling heavy in my hands as I found myself frozen. Waiting for permission to pour Arthur's mug.
"Didn't I always say that you and your sister, and Finn for that matter, didn't I always say that you three weren't gonna grow up into all this?"
"It's just coffee Tom..." started Arthur, his brow knitted in confusion.
I however already understood.
"No," Tommy shook his head, "no brother, it ain't just coffee at all.. see you think its just coffee to begin with and thats the trouble, you think its just one cup of coffee the morning after the night from hell but it ain't, that fuckin coffee is just the seed and before you know it its a hot cup of coffee whilst she's washing the blood from our shirts and then next time she's cleaning our wounds, and then maybe one day she'll learn to fuckin pull a bullet from our arm and patch us back up and then the next thing you know she's there at the very fuckin heart of it watching as the gun gets fired... and if you ain't fuckin careful the next time a gun goes off it'll be her finger on the trigger eh..."
I didn't realise I'd been pouring until I looked down and saw it spilling over the rim of Arthurs cup into the saucer.
"It's never just a cup of coffee..." finished Tommy looking only at me. Holding my gaze as I remained frozen like a deer in the headlights.
I didn't realise I was still pouring until it began to trickle over the edge of the saucer onto the table cloth.
"Shit...sorry Arthur..." I whispered when I felt his hand on my wrist to steady me, taking the cafetière from my hands and placing it down on the table.
"Never you mind love, never you mind..." he said warmly, a wry grin on his lips when John piped up.
"Aye Fen, s'only a fuckin coffee after all..." he sniggered, "christ Tommy, you think she's made you one cup of coffee so now she's got a taste for the criminal fuckin underworld... our Fen's gonna start sleeping with a gun under her pillow just cause she knows I take two sugars in me tea?" he was grinning, laughing into his sleeve but Tommy was still starring fixedly at me.
"Bloody theatrics Thomas," scolded Polly as she shook her head and sat down, her arms folded across her chest. "Enough fuckin theatrics, this melodrama ain't gonna bring my little niece home is it? If you care so much about what your sisters do and don't see I suggest you focus on Sylvie in the lions fuckin den eh?"
"Thats where we was going ain't it Pol.. you're the one who stopped us ain't you..."
Tommy reached across the table to pour himself a cup of coffee. He fixed me with the same determined sorry look in his eyes once more but this time I didn't look away. I couldn't. Something about that unspoken apology had me captivated by morbid curiosity.
I knew I wasn't going to like what he had to say for himself and yet I wanted to hear it all the same.
"I mean it Fen," he said without acknowledging Polly or Arthur, speaking to me as if it was only me sitting at that table with him, "You ain't here to look after us and I don't want you anywhere near any of this from now on..."
"I live here now remember Tommy." I said quietly, determined to hold his gaze despite the nerves that sparked inside me. "I can't fuckin leave."
"All the same... wasn't right you seeing us the way you did this morning, it wasn't right and I'm sorry..."
"Fuck your sorry..." I fixed him with a glare, fists clenched so that my nails stung my palms. And I meant it. Couldn't forgive him for dragging me all the way here, holding me prisoner in my own fucking family home only to announce so surely that I wasn't to be part of the family. That I wasn't to help at all. That my other brothers were giggling about all the ways in which I wasn't like them. That even my aunt was smirking a little because Tommy's melodrama had left me the butt of another one of Johns stupid jokes.
"Fen..." groaned Arthur seeing my temper, one which never really rushed me the way that Sylvie's did her. One which seemed to spring up in a flurry of tears instead.
Tears they could all no doubt see were brimming in my eyes then as I stood there trying to be angry instead of just hurt.
"Fuck your sorrys, you're my fucking brothers," I sniffled, "you found my sister..."
"Aye but we shouldn't have fuckin lost her..." Said Arthur, his gruff voice laced with a guilt I knew ran deep.
"Either way," I said, doing my best to hold myself together, my arms folded over my chest more to keep myself secure than anything else, "if I want to make you coffee I'll make you fuckin coffee."
For a moment the room was silent. Arthur looking at his hand holding his coffee a little too tightly. John looking down at his lap, his smirk still sitting unrivalled on his lips. Tommy still just looking at me, just watching. Somewhere behind his eyes the cogs were turning and he was organising and compartmentalising every feeling that had rushed out of me and into him.
I felt the flush or irritation, my anguish and embarrassment as the tears began to trickle down my cheeks and I began to cry. I was only humiliating myself. Only proving to them once again that Tommy was right, that I shouldn't be allowed anywhere near them or "it" because I wasn't made for this world. I was made for something else, some other life lined with cotton wool, softened by wealth and a good school.
I wanted to leave. Wanted to runaway from them again but as if he could read my mind Tommy pulled out the empty chair beside him and told me to sit down. And because the rush of anger had already left me, I did as I was told and I sat there, hands holding each other in my lap, starring intently at the empty coffee cup in front of me.
I didn't have the courage to look any of them in the eyes. Didn't have the tenacity to smirk along when John let out a chuckle and made some half hearted joke about the nuclear family.
"Y'know Fen," said Tommy, ignoring the chuckle John had drawn from Arthur, talking as if there wasn't a single other soul in that room but him and me, "you're all mam you are, ain't a shadow of our father in you..."
It was my turn to smirk then. Knowing what that really meant. Knowing that it was the kindest way he could possibly tell me I was least Shelby-like Shelby, that it was a wonder me and Sylvie were twins. That it was a wonder I was family at all.
"And thats a good thing sweetheart!" said Arthur leaning across the table to rub my shoulder, to pinch my chin and force my gaze up to his, "thats somat to fuckin smile about that is!"
Tommy had always said the same in softer words, assured me that it was a good thing but there were times I wasn't so sure. Time like just then, when I was sitting at a table with all of them, Polly with all her shadows and sinister memories, the troubles she'd survived because of her sharp spirit, my brothers who'd learned to breathe through the killing at an early age.
"Aye," nodded John, "imagine the hell you'd have put us through if you were both like fuckin Syl eh?"
I didn't say a word, just sat there trying to catch my tears on my long sleeves, trying to control the sobs which were always so difficult to catch up with once they'd started.
Tommy poured me a coffee and I tried to say thank you but when my voice caught in my throat my eyes welled up tearful once more so I shook my head, forced a tight closed lipped smile and did my best told hold my hands steady enough to hold my cup.
"Right well," said Tommy, both hands on the arms of his chair as he stood and broke the silence, "enough of my fuckin theatrics eh?" he said, "Arthur come on, we're wasting precious time ain't we, wouldn't want those lions to turn now would we..."
"Thomas..." said Polly, her voice shadowed with the same warning from before. Her chair scraped across the floor sharply as she stood. Her hand hesitant to reach out to her nephew. She looked desperate. A still and silent desperation, one which wanted to scream but couldn't. She was trying to control it but these days the darkness she felt inside had a tendency to seep into every corner of the room.
"Not now Pol, you're the one who wanted us to focus on Fen..." he said gesturing for Arthur to follow him as they turned to the dining room door and Polly began to scramble after them.
"Yes but Tommy!" her voice was shredded, shaking, she sounded so scared, too scared for that quiet early morning dining room, "Thomas wait! Tommy!" she called catching him, snatching at his shirt sleeve only to be shrugged off, ducking beneath his arm and snatching at his collar instead. Forcing him to a standstill as she looked up at him with fierce but desperate eyes. Wild, almost manic. It was a fear I'd never seen before. One which had me stand slowly, shakily to my feet. One which left a hollow feeling between my heart and my throat.
"Tommy please! Just... just fucking listen to me alright, you can't go!"
"For god sake Pol!" he snapped, his temper flaring as he tried to push her away and she tightened her grip, her fingers threatening to tear his clothes. "You want us to bring her home don't you?" he asked, cutting her off when she tried to argue, her 'yes but...' broken in two by Tommy's sharper tone, "don't you?"
"But not like this! Not now! Tommy you don't understand... you aren't listening to me, to what I've seen!"
And when she said those words I saw John roll his eyes. Heard him push his own chair back and felt his presence behind me, his hands on my shoulders.
"Cmon Fen," he sighed, "don't need to watch this..."
"Enough!" snapped Tommy, his voice lowering when he pushed her up against the fireplace, the hearth digging into the back of her neck, her wide eyes rabbit like as she stood her ground, whole body shaking. This cloudy kind of panic in her eyes.
"Tommy what the..." I started, Arthur's voice drowning mine out as we protested, the same pitiful "be careful," that went ignored.
John tried to shift me a pace forward but I couldn't move, couldn't take my eyes of my brothers, off my aunt who looked petrified. Not of Tommy, not of the threat on the tip of his tongue or the way he held her, but of something else. Of what she'd seen.
"Cmon Fen..." whispered John with a little more urgency, "trust me lass these turns are never easy to watch..."
"John what turns?" I whispered, "what do you mean turns? What's wrong with her?" I asked quietly, voice shaking as I looked on in horror.
"Enough now Pol! Eh?" Tommy held her face in both his hands, his own face so close to hers she must have been able to feel his breath on her cheeks. "Enough," he said a little quieter.
"Listen to me Tommy, Thomas please, you don't understand... you can't go now... you'll get her back but not... not this way not like this, please Thomas don't look at me like I'm crazy you know I'm not fucking crazy... this is the truth you just don't want to accept it... please Thomas listen to me!" she hissed, her voice a low whispered mumble, frantic, words tripping over words. "what about Michael Tommy, I told you about Michael... didn't I... I saw him Tommy, I saw him and then... just the same... just like this... Thomas, I saw him!" she implored him, her horror washing over Tommy like water he couldn't feel as he looked at her with a growing sadness and shook his head. There was something so hopeless about them both then, the way they gripped one another too tightly, the way she looked to him with all this desperation, this certainty that he would give in if only she could get through to him. The way he looked at her the way you look at all lost things: wondering how they'd gotten there.
Even when John pushed me a little harder, forced me to leave the room with him I was still watching her. Couldn't take my eyes off her until she was out of sight. Her manic eyes clouded over. She'd said she wasn't crazy but it was a kind of madness, the fear which had gripped her, driven her to that wild panic.
I watched my brothers leave in the range rover not twenty minutes later. The blacked out windows reflecting the early morning sun. Tires crunching gravel as they rolled slowly out of the driveway. I watched them from my bedroom window, holding myself carefully, still thinking about that morning. The fireplace digging into the back of Pollys neck. The sorry look in Tommys eyes when she'd started mumbling. Her distressed whispers going round and round in my head.
I stood watching the garden, not really seeing the garden at all. Seeing neither the empty driveway nor the rain gathering in puddles which saturated the grass and the flowerbeds. Left mud seeping between the stones. It was a grey sky overhead, a gathering gloom. The rain in the night had carried through to morning and the world seemed stubborn to stay the same. Stubborn like a fucking Shelby.
The bedroom was dark because I hadn't turned the lights up that morning and the sunlight wasn't strong enough to poke through the grey. So the room was shadowed as if the clouds hung from my ceiling and as I thought about Polly, wondered where she was now, I felt as in shadow myself.
And perhaps that's why I didn't notice his shadow in the doorway, didn't notice him at all until he'd tapped three times and my name had left his lips a little too softly to be heard above the rain. Still, he'd reached me somehow and I turned sharply, startled by him though I shouldn't have been.
"Sorry..." he said when he saw my wide eyes, saw how pale I was, how cloaked in shadow, "didn't mean to..." he trailed off, like he'd noticed something just behind me but really it was just me, just the grey which lingered under my red rimmed eyes. He could see everything I'd seen that morning haunting me. "Been looking for you."
"Not a very good bodyguard then are you," I said a little too stiffly, my smile a little delayed so that at first I sounded sharper, more sullen than I'd meant to, "I've been in my room all day... isn't that the first place you'd want to start looking?"
"Had a sneaky feeling you didn't want to be found straight away..." he said his eyes meeting mine with a quiet understanding.
"Clever boy." I forced a smirk, tried to roll my eyes and joke along. Struggled to hide the struggle.
"You don't need to worry about Pol," he said then, his voice had the same shadow in it I recognised from the way my brothers often spoke, I knew he was trying to say more, "she's staying with me da, down by the river, he reckons it'll settle her, the trees and the water an all..." he trailed off, realising perhaps that I wasn't quite listening. Realising perhaps that when he'd mentioned the river, the trees, my mind had followed Pol blindly to the edge of the estate. That telling me she was alright wasn't going to stop my mind wandering always back to the mornings theatrics. The fireplace digging into her neck. The words which had tumbled so troubled from her lips.
"She said she saw Michael..." I said, "do you know what she meant?"
In truth I had a feeling I already knew exactly what she'd meant.
"No lass," he said softly, "don't know your aunt Pol half as well as I should all considered," he added with a cheekier smile as he slipped inside the bedroom and closed the door, leaning back against it until it clicked shut, waiting a moment more before he lowered his voice "but I'll take you down to the camp later, you can ask her yourself eh? Just don't mention it to your brother cause he'll have me balls..."
"But..." I started, mouth opening and closing. There was still so much space between us, me leaning against the window frame, him the doorframe. My eyes fixed on his through the low grey light. There was something so haunted, so weary about the scene and yet still he was smirking. Still he didn't seem scared at all. Unphased by the darkness I'd felt closing in on me all day. "What's wrong with her?" I asked, "why won't they let me see her?" I felt the panic rise in my throat. The doomed worry. Id been ruminating on the trouble all day, thinking of all these different illnesses and conditions that could explain Tommy's sorrow, that hopeless sigh which had left John earlier that morning when he'd tried to steer me away and out of earshot. Dementia, Schizophrenia, Psychosis, some kind of post traumatic stress induced breakdown. All would have been more logical ways of explaining away my aunts outburst, and in truth it would have been more comforting to believe that she really had been suffering some kind of hallucination. But I wasn't stupid.
"They think she's ill," said Bonnie his voice grave, "she ain't though, just like anyone else who gets a bad feelin about somet and trusts it..."
"Gypsy shit?" I asked only able to smile when he split a grin and laughed.
"Aye," he said shaking his head a little, relieved to see me smiling along with him, relieved that for a moment that shadow had been lifted, "aye its gypsy shit..."
"Oh," I said feeling a little flutter of relief, a strange frenzied butterfly feeling inside me as my smile grew and his eyes lit up a little. No more shadows. "Well thats good," I said nodding, "good I'm glad."
"Well, little miss Glad," he chuckled, "actually came looking for you because I thought you might like to come watch your bodyguard in action... y'know, see just how tough I am..." he held up his fists as if to demonstrate his fighters prowess but couldn't hold the serious face for long enough and when he cracked another grin I couldn't help but laugh at him, already straying from the window towards him when he shook his head and nodded me over.
"Promise it won't be half as boring as you think."
"Two men punching each other?" I raised my brow, tried not show him how I was smiling as he opened the door for me and I stepped carefully beneath the arch of his arm.
"Trust me... it'll be good... you'll definitely enjoy it, bodyguards guarantee..."
"You seem pretty confident..." I said turning back to look at him over my shoulder, unable to take my eyes off him when I saw his cheeky smile and the way it lit up his eyes. How even in this shadowy house he could lighten the way.
"Aye," he grinned, "I'm about to wipe the floor with your big brother after all..."
I gasped at that, hands covering my mouth as I tried to hold back my disbelieving laughter.
"You train with John?" It wasn't astounding I suppose, it was just that John seemed bulkier than Bonnie and it was hard to imagine my brother taking any kind of training seriously.
"No," chuckled Bonnie, "Johns a lazy bastard, usually train with me cousins, your Arthur's been teachin me some tricks... Sometimes I train with Isaiah but..." he trailed off, fingers tangling in the hair at the bottom of his neck, the dark curls scrunched in his half closed fist.
"But what?" I held back my smirk, I could tell he was holding back, trying to be polite.
"Nothing," he grinned sheepishly, "ignore me miss Gray, forgot who I was talking to for a moment there... Come on I'll show you the..."
"No," I stopped, reached out for his t-shirt to stop him too, "go on tell me what you were going to say!" I grinned, my smile wider than I realised, eyes lit up until he turned and caught my gaze. A shyness I couldn't understand sucker punching me the second his eyes met mine. And it shouldn't have, because he was smiling too and his eyes were lit just the same.
"There you go another Shelby, making your demands of me!" He grinned, teasing me and enjoying the sight of my blush, my mouth opening and then closing when I realised I was stuck for something to say. And suddenly it felt like there was an unbridgeable distance between us again, the space between us taking on that stiff quality which made me feel so self conscious and certain I was getting everything wrong.
"Please?" I winced, hoping it was enough, hoping to hold onto whatever light-hearted relief this could be.
And it was. But when he made to close the gap between us, his hand grasping mine to tug me through a door into a hallway which smelt a little musky, I felt that shyness grip me a little tighter. Because suddenly he was standing so close to me, my body hesitant between his and the wall. His hand cupped between his mouth and my ear. He had that laughing tone in his voice when he spoke, warm, cheekier than I was used to. It almost put me at ease and yet something had me struggling to keep track of my breath.
"Thing is these days," he started, "Isaiah's too worried about his face to fight hard..." He said, his low voice tickling my cheek, making me giggle, my hand over my mouth like a little girl as I looked up at him with wide eyes, in awe rather than scandalised.
Because Bonnie must have known he fell below Isaiah in the hierarchy, but he didn't seem all that bothered at having insulted him. In fact he seemed to find himself really rather funny and I couldn't deny that he was right. Still, I couldn't let him get away with the cocky little smirk he wore just then.
"I guess that makes sense..." I said softly, "can tell you're not worried about yours."
His smirk faltered then but only for a moment and I didn't feel bad. I knew he could see through me, knew he could see me smiling, could see the blush which had crept up on me at the thought of having to insult him.
"Aye lass," he grinned, "the bruises actually enhance my rugged good looks..." he teased, his hand flat to my lower back as he guided me away from the wall and pushed me a pace forward down the hallway, through the spa's locker room and into the gym I hadn't realised was there.
Once I was inside however I realised swiftly that this was much like any other of those rooms allegedly designed by Tommy with me and Sylvie in mind. Detailed. It was just a gym but I could tell it had been laboured over.
The wall of mirrors and the barre which ran parallel to it. The sprung wood flooring. The boxing ring almost seemed out of the place. The punch bags looked like an afterthought.
But it wasn't really the gym I was enamoured with just then. Because as stunning, if not surprising as it was, the effort which Tommy had gone to for his absent little sisters, it was difficult to focus on the spring in my footsteps as I stood on my tiptoes and then rolled back down, a little jump to test the give.
Difficult because upon entering the room Bonnie had seemingly forgotten all about me. His focus on the fight he was there to train for. And in his moment of forgetting he'd turned with his back to me and tugged his t-shirt over his head, the muscles in his shoulders rippling as he scrunched his shirt up in his first and discarded it.
He was looking at himself in the mirror, concentrating on wrapping his hands, head turned down slightly.
And I was stood still, a little bewildered by the way I felt then. The awkwardness, the blush burning my cheeks. He looked strong and when I thought back on what he'd said about my partner dropping me at school, I realised now why he'd been able to dismiss them so easily. There was no way Bonnie would have dropped me. No way he'd have noticed the weight of me in his arms at all.
"What dya reckon then lass, I was right wasn't I? You could practice your dancin to your heart's content in here no?" Asked Bonnie turning to look at me over his shoulder, bending down to pick up a towel from the bench where he'd just abandoned his t-shirt.
I struggled for a moment to say anything. Eyes still wide and unable to stray from his chest. His muscular shoulders. It wasn't like I hadn't seen him like this before and yet somehow today he really did have me speechless. That was until my brother stepped up behind me, his hands clamping down on my shoulders. His smirk in my ear making my cheeks burn red.
"Well lass? Ain't you gonna answer the poor lad, our Bonnie just asked you a question?"
AN// sorry if this is short and/or boring I feel like fuck all is happening atm but I promise it is going somewhere!!!!
Taglist
@inalovesrabbits-blog
@cocoaflowers
@zablife
@jomarch-wannabe
@itsghostgirlyo
@marwwfairy
@toddlerbodybag
@everysage
@tommyshelbyswhore
@kas3ylovesyou
@kxnnxy
@starrykitn
@call-sign-shark
@only-malala
@galactict3a
@darkcastle167
@liliac-dreamer
@impossibleheartflower
@mollybegger-blog
@vanhelsingsbigtoe
2 notes · View notes
pacifymebby · 3 hours
Text
Tumblr media
Julia de Burgos, tr. by Jack Agüeros, from Song of the Simple Truth: The Complete Poems of Julia de Burgos; "Moments"
[Text ID: “Me, inside myself, / always waiting for something / that my mind can’t define.”]
2K notes · View notes
pacifymebby · 3 hours
Text
rewriting bbc merlin where nothing changes except merlin actually marries freya and she becomes a recurring character. appearing whenever merlin needs to talk to someome about magic but doesn't feel like dealing with kilgharrah so he takes a boat out to the lake and spends time with his lake wife. sometimes he doesn't even need advice and just wants to hang out. she is tied to bodies of water so even when he's out in the countryside for some reason or another he can talk to her if there's a river or creek or pond or really anything nearby
219 notes · View notes
pacifymebby · 5 hours
Note
Whenever I see this book in a shop my brain goes "as recommended by Sam fender" haha
Book anon!! Sam also ready on earth were briefly gorgeous by Oliver Vuong
That's the one!!
2 notes · View notes
pacifymebby · 6 hours
Note
don't listen to the anons that tell you what to do, you know what's best for you and if you need time to grieve listen to yourself :( it is rough losing a relationship of so many years, if you need some time to be by yourself and understand what happened it's okay, just be gentle to yourself
Thank you lovely <3 knowing me it'll be a mix, I've got s tendency to just be wildly chaotic and fluctuate between extreme depression and like hedonistic recklessness and idk, neither of these feel like a good idea lol.
But yeah maybe being gentle with myself is the best option. I think I need to try to be realistic about the situation, deal with the present moment and then work everything out from there. What will be will be and all that I guess.
0 notes
pacifymebby · 6 hours
Note
nah you can 100% !!!!
don’t be your own worst enemy in these situations! x
Haha gonna be real with you I have a fantasy that if it all goes to shit I'm getting myself s one way ticket to somewhere in Greece, working in a hostel or something for the summer because fuck being sad in this city
But also I'm skint so this is unlikely lol x
0 notes
pacifymebby · 8 hours
Note
No girl!!! Only let yourself be sad for two weeks and then hot girl summer😩😩😩
Idk man best friend of 8 years, love of my life for like 3 and a bit, that's gonna take more than two weeks of sad hahaha
I'd get a hot girl autumn in if I was lucky haha
0 notes
pacifymebby · 9 hours
Note
If you break up, do you want a hot girl summer?
Probably not tbh, if I do break up I think I'll be in my super sad girl era for awhile
3 notes · View notes
pacifymebby · 20 hours
Note
Can’t sleep 😌
Me neither, guess we're in this together
0 notes
pacifymebby · 20 hours
Note
excited for the groupie 😮‍💨💕
It's like 2/3s finished?
1 note · View note
pacifymebby · 20 hours
Note
Damnnn
If this is in response to the boy troubles, I know right lol
0 notes
pacifymebby · 21 hours
Text
characters whose philosophy is “if i cannot be wanted, i will be needed and if i cannot be needed, let me be used until there’s nothing left of me.” thank you for everyone’s attention. falls off stage and dies
74K notes · View notes
pacifymebby · 21 hours
Note
I wish we were sharing warm cups of cocoa <3
Send this to the twelve nicest people you know or who seem to have a good heart and if you get five back you must be pretty awesome. 🖤✨
Tumblr media
Receiving this in my inbox feels like you've shared a warm cup of cocoa with me. Thanks for the love, darling 💕
4 notes · View notes
pacifymebby · 21 hours
Note
Do you think you’re gonna break up with B?
Idk to be honest it feels very out of my control at this point, whatever happens happens like, everything is so dependent on him I guess
0 notes
pacifymebby · 21 hours
Text
Tumblr media Tumblr media
<3
2K notes · View notes
pacifymebby · 21 hours
Note
i just finished catcher in the rye 😳
Okay I feel stupid but I don't think I've ever read it, what's the face for? Was it rough or like traumatic or?
1 note · View note
pacifymebby · 22 hours
Note
Send this to the twelve nicest people you know or who seem to have a good heart and if you get five back you must be pretty awesome. 🖤✨
Awww lovely this made my day thank you <3 <3
1 note · View note