obsessedwithreadingandwriting

[obsessedwithreadingandwriting]

Reasons why I should stay alive #9

Going out to dinner with a friend

[obsessedwithreadingandwriting]

Reasons why I should stay alive #8

The high after a concert

[obsessedwithreadingandwriting]

Reasons why I should stay alive #7

The stupid jokes of my friends

#spilled words #spilled ink #my writing #spilled thoughts #spilled writing #excerpt from my life

[obsessedwithreadingandwriting]

Reasons why I should stay alive #6

Randomly finding beautiful flowers on a trail.

#spilled words #spilled ink #my writing #excerpt from my life #spilled thoughts

[obsessedwithreadingandwriting]

Dear me,

I had a great day today. A perfect day, you could say.

Work was fun. I got the chance to listen in to a court hearing, a rare occasion and you know I eat that shit up. After that I got to work in a café, which felt somewhat nostalgic. I used to do that so much back in college but now I never get the chance, so it was something special.

Then I went to a bookstore, picked up a book and rushed through the first fifty pages right then and there.

I went to dinner with a friend rather spontaneously. She agreed immediately when I asked her, said she was excited to see me so soon and so unexpectedly. So I got to go to my favourite burger place and had a nice conversation with her, a person who seems to truly value me.

And to top it all off I went to a concert. Just three hours screaming some of my all-time favourite songs. What a rush that was.

So yeah, dear me, it was a perfect day. But why am I telling you this? Why am I writing this down? Simple answer: because I want to remember. I want to remember the endorphins you felt today. I want you to hold on to them for those days when there are none in sight.

Because, no, not all days are gonna be this perfect. On the contrary there are gonna be days that are hard. You know that as well as I do. So I want you to hold on to the endorphins of today for me. And I want you to remember. Remember that there are perfect days out there and those days are worth living for. Just remember that.

#a letter to myself #excerpt from my life #spilled words #spilled ink #my writing #spilled thoughts #writers on tumblr #spilled writing #spilled prose #writing

[obsessedwithreadingandwriting]

Reasons why I should stay alive #5

The view from the top of a mountain

#spilled words #spilled ink #my writing #spilled thoughts #writers on tumblr #excerpt from my life

[obsessedwithreadingandwriting]

Reasons why I should stay alive #4

A good Cappuccino in the afternoon.

#spilled words #spilled ink #my writing #spilled thoughts #writers on tumblr #spilled writing #excerpt from my life

[obsessedwithreadingandwriting]

Today I climbed a mountain.

Because when things look grim it's time for a new perspective.

And what can I say it helped.

From up there, a thousand metres up in the sky, all my problems suddenly seemed small.

All these questions "What am I doing? Where am I going? What is my future?" suddenly seemed irrelevant.

All the repetitive thoughts that had been circulating in my mind were overruled by birdsongs.

No it didn't solve anything.

No my questions aren't answered and the thoughts returned as soon as I got down to the valley.

But it helped.

It was a reminder that everything is about perspective.

And with a new perspective I will find my answers.

One day. Not today, not tomorrow. But one day.

#spilled words #spilled ink #my writing #spilled thoughts #writers on tumblr #spilled writing #excerpt from my life #writers #writing

[obsessedwithreadingandwriting]

Reasons why I should stay alive #3

A good book.

#spilled words #spilled ink #my writing #spilled thoughts #writers on tumblr #spilled writing #excerpt from my life

[obsessedwithreadingandwriting]

And the depression is back.

As always it appeared with the sun.

At least my moods work like clockwork.

Yay for me.

#spilled words #spilled ink #my writing #spilled thoughts #writers on tumblr #excerpt from my life

[obsessedwithreadingandwriting]

Reasons why I should stay alive #2

A sunny afternoon on the balcony.

#spilled words #spilled ink #my writing #spilled thoughts #writers on tumblr #excerpt from my life

[obsessedwithreadingandwriting]

Reasons why I should stay alive #1

A cool coke among friends on a Friday afternoon

#a reminder for myself #because life is a little hard right now #spilled words #spilled ink #my writing #spilled thoughts #writers on tumblr #spilled writing #excerpt from my life

[obsessedwithreadingandwriting]

Sometimes I hate being a woman

A single decently attractive woman even more

I hate the fact that men feel entitled to approach me at a bar

Even when I've done nothing to invite the conversation

Even when the only interaction we've had is accidentally looking eyes for two seconds when he squeezed past me in the crowd

I hate the fact that men still feel it is perfectly normal to approach me

Wanting me to introduce their friend

I hate the fact that they won't go even when I tell them "no, not interested"

That they stay there, incredulous "so you don't want to meet a single man tonight?"

I hate the fact that after three "nos" they feel the need to clarify "I accept that" as though it is some big achievement

As though they should've earned some sort of trophy for not trying to rape me

I hate the fact that I let my perfectly good night be ruined by interactions like these

The fury at their audacity taking over every good emotion in my body

I hate the fact that I feel powerless whenever stuff like this happens

That I get scared and unsure of how to react

I hate the fact that I cry on the way home

The fury slowly receding leaving only the anxiety in place

#spilled words #spilled ink #my writing #spilled thoughts #writers on tumblr #writers #spilled writing #excerpt from my life

[obsessedwithreadingandwriting]

Stillness.

My life seems to have gotten to a standstill.

A dull, everyday trot has settled in.

Grinding away in a never-changing, never-ending pattern.

It's not that I'm unhappy.

I like my home town, I like my job, I like my friends.

And yet...

And yet I long for change.

For excitement.

For opportunities.

For advancement.

#spilled words #spilled ink #my writing #spilled thoughts #writers on tumblr #writers #spilled writing #excerpt from my life

[obsessedwithreadingandwriting]

Dear Mom and Dad,

do you know that game 36 questions to fall in love? It's a stupid thing based on pseudo science. 36 questions you pose to your partner and supposedly you're in love by the end of it. It doesn't really matter. What matters is one particular question that's been haunting me: If you could change a thing about your upbringing what would it be?

I've been pondering it for years. Gone back and forth on my answer. I'd thought: I would treat my children more equally, try to limit the favoritism and gender roles as much as possible. I'd thought: I would burden my children with less of my personal problems, not misuse insecure teenagers as my counslors as much. But recently I thought my answer would be: I would show more emotion, more love around the house.

Don't get me wrong. I've had a beautiful childhood. I've felt safe and secure at home. I always knew I could come to you with my problems. I would even call my childhood loving. You showed me love by fulfilling my wishes, by taking me places. And yet you've never once told me you loved me.

I can't even remember you told each other that you loved them.

And even now when I tell you I love you. There's this hesitation in your voice when you say "love you too". A small doubt that creeps up whenever you say it. As of you're not quite sure what love is. And maybe that is why I myself have such a fucked up relationship with love. Because not even my own parents seem to know whether they love their children or not.

#spilled words #spilled ink #my writing #spilled thoughts #writers on tumblr #excerpt from my life

[obsessedwithreadingandwriting]

He wants me to be one of many. An affair. A lover. A side-piece. He's married, I am not. He has two kids, I don't have any. And yet he wants me.

His wife knows about me. They live in an open marriage, both meeting other women on the side. That's what he told me anyway.

I haven't asked her, met her only once briefly at the ice skating rink where they'd gone with their kids.

But I trust he's telling the truth.

Because I wouldn't want to ruin a marriage, wouldn't want to break up a family.

He said I won't. And if I do, it's not my problem anymore. Their relationship, their marriage, not mine.

I told him, I don't feel deeply. I don't fall in love. I don't have crushes. Not like other people have anyways. Attraction, affection, it doesn't come naturally to me.

I don't want to be the main focus in someone's life. Don't want to be the centre piece. I can't be. It feels exhausting to me. Caging, suffocating.

I flee when I feel like someone starts to like me too much. For my sake and for their sake. I know I won't love them, know I won't need them the way they want me to. It is better they find someone who does.

I told him this.

Told him this would be an affair. A friendship with some benefits at best. Physical, comforting, but not filled with love.

He said he was fine with it. Said he appreciates my honesty, my openness.

So that's where we're at right now. We'll see if more happens. I won't start anything if there is no sympathy between us. I've done that before and I won't do it again. And I'm not desperate. And neither is he. If something happens good, if nothing happens that's good too.

So for now we're testing out the waters. Testing and figuring this out as we go. There is no blueprint to becoming an affair, to being one of many. But it is exciting and we'll see what happens.

#spilled words #spilled ink #my writing #spilled thoughts #writers on tumblr #spilled writing #excerpt from my life

[obsessedwithreadingandwriting]

And honey, please don't ask me to fulfill your emotional needs because I don't feel that deep.

And honey, please don't ask me to be your everything when I am already overwhelmed trying to be your side-thing.

And honey, please don't wait for the words "I love you" when I have no idea what love feels like.

#spilled words #spilled ink #my writing #spilled thoughts #writers on tumblr #spilled writing #excerpt from my life