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not-safeforsanders · 1 year

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Riptide

Chapter 23: The Hearse // In the wake of disaster, will you sink down to me? Chapter One | Chapter Two | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 10 | Chapter 11 | Chapter 12 | Chapter 13 | Chapter 14 | Chapter 15 | Chapter 16 | Chapter 17 | Chapter 18 | Chapter 19 | Chapter 20 | Chapter 21 | Chapter 22 | Read on A03 Ship: Receit Warnings for the whole fic: Drug use, sexual content, sex under the influence of alcohol, alcoholism, implied/referenced suicide attempts, sexual trauma, sex addiction, self-worthlessness. Plot: Remus is running from a history he doesn’t want to face, Janus is escaping guilt that he doesn’t have to bear. When the two meet under the most unlikely of circumstances, Janus finds himself in a whirlwind of a life that gets stranger by the second. As he starts to uncover more about Remus’, and his brother Roman’s, history, Janus finds himself in a much harder situation than he’d thought he’d be in. Can he stop his past repeating itself? Or will he have to carry the weight of living alone once again? Chapter Summary: Remus' emotions have an unsteady sort of day. --

There's an odd feeling when Remus sits down in Logan's office this week. He's done it so many times by now, and usually the second he steps inside he has a complaint on his tongue. It had been his routine for months now. Today, though, he sits down and feels a stillness wash over him. No words form easily, no thoughts come pressing, and no anger lingers on the surface of his week.

Recovery - Logan had said before - is not linear. It's more like a rollercoaster, it has peaks and pitfalls, twists and turns. Though effort and work goes into it, sometimes the best thing a person can do is see where it goes. Like floating along a river in a hurricane, waiting for the storm to pass.

That river had carried Remus to places he'd never dreamed of before. The water he'd known was cold and deep and rough - and beneath it's surface he'd found a tide dragging him against rocks as his drunken body tried to remember how to swim. Now, it brought him to quiet. The sound of birdsong. A gentle hush as he lay on his back and gazed into a sky that is suddenly so very blue.

Logan leans back in his chair, watching the flicker of confusion at his own loss of words. "Anything pressing for this week?" He asks Remus, tilting his head to the side to make some eye contact before the other man sinks into his thoughts.

"Uh…" Same old, really, but not. His life has a rhythm to it now.

"What are you thinking of?" So little and so much.

"I...don't know, it's...peaceful, I guess."

Logan gives him a small smile, nodding his head briefly. "That's good, I would even say that is the general outcome we're looking for." Remus gives a short laugh, not sparing a roll of his eyes.

"I just mean that...I don't know what to say, I mean, I've got nothing, everything's...okay?"

"We can talk about the okay things too, you know, those are also important."

"I know." A small pause as he looks for the threads of a sentance, knowing what he wants to say but not at all sure where to start. "I'm cooking a lot, I think I actually like it, when it goes right anyway, I still get impatient," he lifts a hand to scratch the back of his neck slightly, his leg bouncing as he tries to think of what else to say. "I'm studying for the course I've enrolled on, but I'm struggling a bit with the reading."

"Have you made an appointment with your general practitioner about your reading difficulties?" Remus shakes his head. "Remember that one, the sooner you get some clarification, the better." He nods in response, still a little stunned.

"Uh, and well...I guess everything's fine, I've not had a bad episode in a few weeks now, not even had a proper episode at all in a few days."

"This all sounds very positive."

"It is, so..." he frowns, eyebrows furrowed.

"...So why does it feel uncomfortable?" Logan asks him.

"Yeah."

"I think the general opinion is when you get used to living a certain way - even when that way is painful - it's a large shock to the system to change; your comfort zone was discomfort, you were used to it, and you're now likely very afraid of all the change because it's irregular and unpredictable."

"Like my life was predictable before," the sarcastic lilt doesn't hide the sadness in his laughter.

"No, but you were predictable to yourself, in some ways, although it may not have felt that way, you still were familiar with your own peaks and troughs, learning to mediate those and control them can be difficult, and presents new challenges for you to confront."

Remus only hums in response, cracking each of his fingers slowly and deliberately as his eyes drag towards the window. The sun shone through to the deep blue carpet, creating a spotlight on absolutely nothing at all. He stared at the patch, wondering absently what the warm carpet would feel like against his skin.

"How are things with you and Janus?" He looks up at the question, a small smile on his lips.

"Good, he's as sweet as ever, too fuckin' sweet."

"What makes you say that?"

"He just-" he gestures loosely, a deep sigh pulling from his throat. After a moment, he simply shrugs. "-Everytime things get a little heated, he pulls away and I get why, but I just...miss him."

"Intimacy is often important to quite a few people, and you've learned from a young age that sexual intimacy is-"

"-No, it's not that, doc, I miss him...not sex, not with just anyone, I miss the way he touched me before all this."

Logan pauses a moment, thinking on the words, before he nods. "You miss the way he previously treated you?"

"Somtimes, I mean, don't get me wrong, all this is real sweet, but sometimes a guy just wants to get fucked."

"Oh boy," the other man utters under his breath.

"Sorry."

"No it's-it's quite alright...I think these are normal emotions to have, to miss a previous dynamic even with the worry that resuming that would re-ignite unhealthy coping mechanisms." He gives a small nod, looking down at his notebook in apparent thought for a long moment. "What do you want? I mean entirely, even if you have contradictory emotions on the matter."

"I don't know...before it was like he couldn't get enough of me and now..."

"So this is a rejection issue?"

"I don't feel rejected-"

"But you feel as though he wants you less?"

A long, static pause. Remus frowns. "Yes."

Logan nods, the sound of his pen scratching into paper filling the sudden silence. Remus shifts a little in his seat, his eyes going back to the window. It's such a lovely day outside. "I'm not officially a relationship counsellor, but what I would often recommend when there's a conflict in desire in a relationship, is that the two of you sit down and have an honest discussion."

"Your wife must be happy," Remus snorts, bringing his gaze back to the other man with a half-hearted smirk.

"My partner actually finds it very annoying, but this is your therapy session, not mine."

"So much about you has never made more sense than it does right now."

"Remus-"

"Yeah I know, I'm avoiding the subject." He flops back against the back of the chair, sinking into it slightly. "Do I just say...hey, actually I wouldn't mind getting abolutely railed by you? Is tonight okay or...?"

"You can approach it any way that you desire, but I suggest with less nonchalence and more genuine emotion." Remus wrinkles his nose, leaning his head back with a quiet groan, before finally sitting upright once more.

"I'm still not great with that."

"I've noticed - but like all the skills you have been building so far, it takes practice, and I think Janus is a good person for you to practice with, given that you feel safe with him."

Remus doesn't respond for a second, picking at the seam of his jeans as his gaze drifts towards the window once more. He doesn't know how Janus would react to that conversation, and he's tired of their relationship changing. He's tired of things changing in general.

"I'll think about it," he finally offers. Logan nods.

"That's better than nothing." Remus gives him a tight smile. "...You seem eager to be outside today."

"Sun's out."

"Yes, better enjoy all three minutes of sunlight before winter comes back," there's a slight playfulness to Logan's eyes as he says this. Remus relaxes with a small laugh, nodding. "Well, I think we just have to review how the week has gone for you and then book in for our next appointment, unless you have more to add?"

"I don't think so."

Logan nods "...Alright then, so first let's take a look at your medication..."

Remus feels like he needs a coffee when he leaves the building. His mind feels as if he's having hundreds of thoughts at once, and yet thinking of nothing in particular at all. The caffeine, he imagines, won't help this in the slightest, but at least he's made a decision on something.

He sits at the bus stop with the sun beating down on him, soaking through his leather jacket as he holds a hot coffee in his hand. Distantly, he thinks he probably should've gotten a cold drink, and that he's already quite a bit dehydrated. Oh well, there's no law to say that a person can't have a hot coffee on a hot day, and it's growing steadily more lukewarm by the second regardless.

He can't sit still on the bus. His knee bounces as his head twists to look out of very window, before finally settling on staring out of the front, watching the bus consume the road. He crosses and uncrosses his legs, shifting his weight from one side to the other, before residing himself to simply tapping against his coffee cup. This feeling lingers on him, restlessness, to the point where he's seeing shadows where shadows shouldn't be, and movement where everything is still. Sucking in a breath, he drinks his coffee, closing his eyes for seconds at a time.

The jerkiness doesn't fade, sudden jolts of placebo fear causing him to look over his shoulder as he walks the path from the bus stop to his home. His chest feels a little tight, his hands clenching and unclenching. He throws his coffee cup in the bin and cracks his knuckles as he walks. Every few steps the hair on the back of his neck began to stand, and every person walking by him felt like a trained laser to his chest. He swears everyone's eyes feel bigger all of a sudden, keen to stare. The way a horror protagonist feels, Remus is all too quick to unlock his door and slam the thing behind him, sucking in a deep, shaky breath.

He tries to do some work, but distraction takes him away from his sketchbook. It's another hour at least until Janus is here.

"Need to do something with my body," he mutters, only half believing the things Logan tells him calms an anxiety attack. Didn't he feel fine this morning? He can hear Roman's voice in the back of his head reminding him that caffeine isn't great for him, but he'll be damned before he lets his brother be right.

With a sigh, Remus pulls open one of his drawers, full to the brim of clothes he hasn't got around to wearing since he'd been in hospital. He doubts much of these would even fit him with the extra two kilograms he's put on, but fondness prevents him from throwing them away. Curious, he picks up one of the more flexible pair of leather trousers, stripping down to pull them on. There's a bit of struggle, but they'd already been loose at some points, now they were quite tight on his larger thighs. He looks in the mirror, standing to the side, admiring the curves he'd started to gather.

"Oh, I look good." He whistles through his teeth, turning so that his back is to the mirror and looking over his shoulder, "…holy fuck, I look really good." He turns again, running his hands over his stomach to the bulge of his cock in the trousers, squeezing lightly. He's not intending to turn himself on, it's more a curiosity at the flutter of excitement that enjoying his reflection brings.

He turns his attention to his drawers after a second, rummaging through to find a fishnet shirt and leather jacket (the former of which he has some semblance of a struggle with). None of them look the same on him any more, no longer as if they're hanging off a wiry frame, but fitting the developing curves and softnesses of his body.

"Fuck me," he mutters, shaking his head, "…I have an ass and everything." Not an ass like Janus, who is clearly on his feet a lot, and certainly not like Roman, who could still probably lift Remus up with one arm. But he doesn't look so much like a walking skeleton any more. He can see his stomach instead of his ribs. He can see a person instead of a ghost.

He dips his fingers beneath his jacket, tracing the warm skin with his fingers, ocasionally catching the strands of the fishne shirt and releasing them against his skin. Remus studies is own reflection the mirror with something akin to fascination, stepping close to examine the freckles on his less-pale skin. His heartbeat flutters as he nicks his nails through the darkening hair on his chest, down to his stomach. He can't remember his cheeks ever looking so flushed, and he doesn't recognise the look on his face as his energy melts from panic to something more proactive.

"I should do some makeup," he finally utters to himself "...who needs an excuse to look pretty?"

He pulls out the makeup shoved haphazardly into the back of his wardrobe, sitting down at the base of the mirror.

For a long moment, Remus just watches his own mind work in slow motion, calculating what style to try with this new, warmer, rounder version of himself. What would look good? What would feel good?

So much of his makeup is in dark shades, so he starts with those familiar tones - the ones he'd done a thousand times over, black eyeliner, black mascara, a trail of eyeshadow that falls just short of him looking like a distressed racoon. But it looks incomplete, unsatisfactory, it lingers too much in a version of himself that rarely cared what he really looked like - the inevitable was always that his makeup would end up ruined.

Remus flips through palettes, chewing at his lip as he mulls over his thoughts. It needs a highlight to it, something bright as the explosion occuring in his chest today, something frantic and unstable, much like himself.

He lands on an electric green looking lonely in a palette of moss and foresty colours, a strike of lightning perfectly untouched amongst its surroundings. With a grin, he grabs his brush and gets to work. For once, he jut allows himself to play, the way he'd always wanted to as a child - alone with a paintbrush and a canvas with nothing but gut instinct and time to pass. A slow grin crosses his lips as he works, a flutter of his heartbeat spurring him on.

When he's done, he rests the makeup down on the floor, standing just to grab his boots - the thick, heeled ones that make him look so much taller than he is - just to see what it all looks like together. He's supposed to be discovering himself, right? That surely didn't mean he completely forsakes the person he was? He should be allowed to take the parts he liked.

He hears the front door opening and tilts his head towards the hallway, a small flush crawling up his cheeks. Had he really lost track of time that much? He looks at his clock on the wall - a force of habit despite the fact the batteries had died months ago - and sighs, bracing himself for...he isn't sure. But his heart sinks like he'd been caught doing something he shouldn't be doing.

Janus appears in the doorway, lips parted as though to say something, but whatever it was dies immediately. His breath sucks in visibly, eyes tracing Remus' body with barely concealed starvation. After a slow second he swallows and clears his throat. "Christ, Re, wh...what's the, uh, occasion?"

Remus' tense shoulders relax; his arms, which had been folded tightly across his body, fall to his sides. It's been so long since Janus had looked at him like that - breathless with flushed skin - and it makes him feel somewhat...powerful. "I felt like it," he whispers, biting the inside of his lip as he basks in the second. "C'mere." Obediantly, Janus crosses the short distance to stand in front of him, peering up at his boyfriend in something that is so very close to awe. Remus leans down to kiss him, their lips meeting gently, he feels Janus' breath shake at the impact, like something new had happened to him.

Maybe something new has happened to them both.

His lips part against his lover's, not hungrily, not yet, but his tongue slides against the other man's, tasting him slowly, sensually. Quietly, Janus exhales with a gentle moan, his body leaning to Remus's.

"I have to make dinner," Janus utters, pulling back so that he can still feel breath against his lips. Like a nicotine addict grasping at second hand smoke. Remus squeezes his wrists gently in his hands, not at all missing how the other man shivers.

"We'll order take out," his own voice comes out deeper than expected, gravelly, he'd worked himself up just enough that he's not taking no for an answer. The type of hunger he's experiencing is not one that can be satiated by mere food. He requires something spiritual, something that makes his heart and body and mind tremble. He needs the sort of ecstasy not given by drugs, or alcohol, but by Janus.

Which is precisely why he grips the other man's wrist in his own and shoves him towards the bed. "Re-"

"My turn."

"Okay," Janus breathes, eyes wide as his boyfriend looms over him, hands pressed to the bed, sliding between his thighs like he was born to take up the space there.

For a brief scond there's an everlasting stillness. Their foreheads resting against each other as almost every other part of their bodies pressed in the sort of pull experienced only by magnets and anchors to the bottom of the sea. Their breaths - panted already against each other's lips - waited in hesitance. Janus' eyes flutter closed, and Remus surges forward.

Their lips meet, not painfully, but desperately, leaning into each other at an almost suffocating pace. Janus' hands twitch in his lover's grasp, whilst Remus rocks down against him, needing every inch of his body intertwined with his own. They gasp into each other's mouths as they try to remember what it means to need oxygen underneath the reawoken feral desire.

"Re-" Janus whispers, no, whimpers against his lips. He pulls away to look down to see his partner staring up at him dazed, flushed, aching against him.

He feels all at once like a god, being witnessed by a devotee. Because nobody has ever looked at him the way Janus looks up at him, waiting for his command, trusting his guidance. It reminds him of the glassy-eyed stares of the church-goers when he was a teen, worshipping a painted ceiling.

Well, he won't be nearly as absent, if Janus wants, he'll give.

But the sound of the front door opening shatters the moment, the tension dissolving. Remus grimaces, but laughter passes his lips as he exhales a breath he hadn't known he was holding. Janu laughs too, accepting a gentle kiss to his collarbone as Remus buries his head in his shoulder. Then, he pushes himself to his feet, wincing at the friction to his hard cock through the tight leather.

Roman?" He shouts.

"Yep!"

"Why the fuck are you here?"

"I live here, you cheeky bastard!" Remus snorts, rolling his eyes "...and I forgot my overnight bag." There's a series of footsteps, small thuds, and drawers opening and closing, heard from the other bedroom. Remus waits, arms folded as he trades amused looks with Janus. "Got it! See you tomorrow!"

"Have fun!"

The front door slams shut again, leaving Remus to look down at the floor in the sudden silence. "Are you okay?" Janus asks softly as the other man sits beside him, giving a small nod and resting his head to the man's shoulder. "That was a little intense." Another nod, but Remus isn't sure what else he can say, only that now the dust has settled he'd glad to have a breather. The air pulls smoothly into his lungs as he tries to remember what it was that was supposed to calm his heart rate. Was it in for eight or four? He shakes his head.

"I love you," he mutters.

"I love you too," is replied softly to him, accompanied by a gentle kiss to his forehead. "Shall I start on the dinner? You can choose a film to watch?"

"Yeah," Remus nods, running a hand through his hair "...yes please, I'd like that, first I'm going to get changed though, I have no idea how I used to wear these things all the fucking time, I can't breathe." The sound of Janus' laugh causes him to smile without even thinking about it. He tries not to think of his expression as he lay beneath him. How it had felt.

That taste of power was almost divine.

#riptide ts #nsfs #nsfs remus #nsfs janus

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not-safeforsanders · 1 year

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oh my gosh hi i missed you! even if thats just a one off i just want to say hi<3

hello! that's so sweet! i missed you guys too

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not-safeforsanders · 1 year

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If you're taking requests right now, could you do Logan being teased by Remus (and of course, Remus has tentacles)

I can do a little drabble. As a treat.

18+ Content - no minors.

The black rope feels silky against his skin, though a terse friction is felt as he twists his wrists half-heartedly in their bindings. The sensation flutters his heartrate alone, but Remus' grinning face is nothing short of a nail in the proverbial coffin.

The tentacles curl up his bare legs, teasing at the skin of his thighs in such a way that his cock can only twitch helplessly in anticipation. "Re..." he whispers, not one to beg - though the other man certainly means to make him do so.

"Say please," Remus grins, eyes bright with fascination and joy as he stares down at Logan. Tasting all of the power he has over him in just those two words.

His blush deepens, sure that the floor may as well as just open up and swallow him whole.

"...please," he whispers after a moment. The suction of the tentacles against his skin sends a jolt through him, his breath stuttering, cock now half-hard, waiting to be touched.

"There's a good boy."

#nsfs intrulogical #nsfs logan #nsfs remus #nsfs ts sides

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not-safeforsanders · 2 years

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i hope this doesn't come off as pushy or demanding or anything, but are you going to be continuing riptide? i mean this as a genuine question with no demands or expectations on you, i respect your time and wishes and interests, i just thought i'd ask since there hasn't been an update in a while (also an update on the fic, but i mostly mean updates from you in general). i hope you're doing well! :]

Yes I will be continuing it! When I have the time/energy to edit it :)

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not-safeforsanders · 2 years

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ik you dont really post much here anymore but i just wanted to let you know that Brother by Madds Buckley makes me think of Virgil and Remy in Wasteland, Baby!

Awh! Thank you anyway, it's always nice when I finally log back into my old account and someone's got something to say to me!

And honestly comments that are like x reminded me of your fic make my heart soar.

I'll have to give this a listen <3

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not-safeforsanders · 2 years

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Ily -all system

Guys I love you, u know this. But I'm going to fire you. Into the sun.

#ahegeo janus #what the fuck do i even tag this as

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not-safeforsanders · 2 years

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U don't have toxic traits u just have traits I'd fire you into the sun over /j /affectionate

ppl who said the Sanders sides fandom was toxic, or is toxic are probably right but it was never my experience because i sat in one corner with all the absolute heathens metaphorically jerking each other off. Curate ur online experience or something like that.

#Poor Ari #He learned what sex was like three months ago and hasn't known peace since :(#rest in pieces old man

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not-safeforsanders · 2 years

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#Had one argument in four years and it was mostly a misunderstanding #but Yeah when ur fandom experience is like 20 people reading the worst porn you've ever read #hard to have a toxic experience yanno

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not-safeforsanders · 2 years

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Bestie, recommend me some good short fanfics... I say short cos I have adhd and also my horny ass has read them all u u

bestie I can't, cos I don't actually read much fanfiction! In fact I haven't in over a year! I'm so sorry 😞

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not-safeforsanders · 2 years

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i can't believe riptide is almost done waaahhhh, it's my favourite multi-chapter fic ever! i'm like i can't wait to read more and see how it ends, but also that means it'll be over and that makes me a little sad

The good news is, once it's done you can read it as many times as you like, start to finish, no biting your fingernails to find out what comes next!

I hope that people like the ending, and maybe I'll talk more about how it was going to end if somebody asks abt it. That fic changed quite a bit from when I was just dreaming it up. God, can you believe it's been two years?

Thank you for your ask ♡

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not-safeforsanders · 2 years

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just wanted to let you know you put that as Chapter 21 instead of 22

oops ty

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not-safeforsanders · 2 years

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Riptide

Chapter 22: It's Alright // I've got a baseball bat beside my bed to fight off what's inside my head

Ship: Receit

Warnings for this chapter: anxiety, self-doubt, overwhelming emotions

Warnings for the whole fic: Drug use, sexual content, sex under the influence of alcohol, alcoholism, implied/referenced suicide attempts, sexual trauma, sex addiction, self-worthlessness.

Word Count: 2344

Plot: Remus is running from a history he doesn’t want to face, Janus is escaping guilt that he doesn’t have to bear. When the two meet under the most unlikely of circumstances, Janus finds himself in a whirlwind of a life that gets stranger by the second. As he starts to uncover more about Remus’, and his brother Roman’s, history, Janus finds himself in a much harder situation than he’d thought he’d be in. Can he stop his past repeating itself? Or will he have to carry the weight of living alone once again?

Chapter Summary: Remus gets a reply from the colleges he applied to. Then he has a cathartic breakdown.

Roman drops a handful of letters on the kitchen table where Remus is trying his best to struggle through a few pages of a book that has too-fine print. The younger of the twins lifts his head in momentary confusion before his gaze falls to the letters. It takes a second for him to register before he folds the corner of the page and sits up straight. "They're for me?" He asks, tentativeness in his tone. Roman nods, a slight grin on his lips. Steadily, Remus sits up, his heart hammering in his chest. "What if I didn't get into any of them?"

"You'll have to open it to find out," there's humor in his tone, but Roman's eyes show express sympathy for the situation. If Remus hasn't gotten in, after he decided for the first time that he does actually want a life, there's no telling what that disappointment will do to him. Luckily, the college system isn't all that picky, the government wants people to contribute to the economy after all. Roman just wants Remus to love something enough that it gets him out of bed.

The tension is insufferable as Remus eases the first letter open with uncharacteristic unease. There's a slight tremor to the way he moves. For a second he imagines cutting his finger open on the paper's edge.

When it's finally open, he sighs with relief as though he'd been moving a boulder, easing the letter out delicately and unfolding it. Roman waits with bated breath as Remus reads slowly, eyebrows furrowed and lips pursed. Then he sighs and looks up. Roman frowns. Then Remus grins, and his brother resists the urge to belt him on the upside of the head. "I got in!"

"Fuck yeah you did, I knew you could do it!" Roman claps his brother on the shoulder, half affectionately and the rest as payback for the minor heart attack. Remus winces through his laugh. "Now open the others!"

Remus goes into these ones with less reservation, and his spirits grow higher and higher with the remaining two, shaking his head in disbelief as he realizes he didn't just get into one, or two, but all three of the colleges he applied to. "I actually got into all fucking three?" He rests his head against his hand, overwhelmed. His face falls, regulating the shaky breathing that burns through his aching lungs. "I have to choose?" His heart stammers at the prospect, wondering how one makes such an important decision; and if he'd have to do it alone.

"That's the general idea," Roman sits down beside him and squeezes his arm "...you don't have to decide right now if you need some time to think it over or-"

"I want to go to this one," Remus pushes a paper forward "...it's more along the lines of what I want to study compared to the courses here, which only focus on traditional art, I'm interested in some of the computer shit too, even though I'm crap at maths; photography and all that stuff, I wanna do that." Roman raises his eyebrows, then nods. "I think so, anyway," Remus' eyebrows furrow and he looks down at the table. He can't recall the last time he really made a decision for himself, and one so important at that? His chesty tightens. What if he's making the wrong decision? What if he only thinks he knows what he wants?

"Re?" He lifts his head to look at Roman. "Don't overthink it, go with your gut, you're going to have to learn how to do that sooner or later." Roman is right, of course, he usually is. But that doesn't stop the fear crawling up his spine. He could fuck everything up, he's good at self-destruction, he could just give up now and save himself the pain further down the line of being an absolute screw-up. "You can do whatever you want to now, Re, it's entirely up to you; you don't have to keep doubting your own feelings or what you want." Remus hugs him, burying his face against his chest as he stills his hyperactive thoughts.

“Thank you,” Remus mutters, leaning back to wipe his eyes off on the back of his hand. “Shit, I’m going to college, like what’s next fuckin’ uni?”

“Maybe one day.” Remus exhales heavily, shaking his head. “One step at a time." Roman squeezes his shoulder and stands, moving over to the cooker to start preparing dinner. Janus will be here within the next hour and Patton shortly thereafter, and Roman is immensely enjoying having a group of people to cook for. Remus picks up the letter for the college he intends to respond to, before standing.

"Could...could you throw those away for me?" He asks in a hushed voice. Roman meets his eyes a moment, before nodding silently. "Thank you." The elder twin does not respond bar a half-smile. He adores his brother, and though his strength is regaining, there's a well of sadness in the knowledge that Remus still has more pitfalls beyond their realization to overcome. Every day he's going to keep finding things that stand in his way. Now, Roman knows, he's not going to be able to help with them all, that the other is starting to find his independence. He's not going to argue when Remus asks for his help.

It settles in on Remus that he's going back into education, which brings a rush of exhilaration and absolute terror. He makes a list of all the things he's going to need, gets stressed, lies down on the floor, and listens to a distorted Simon and Garfunkel tape that has seen better days. The music makes him feel a little less rushed, helping him sink into a comatose sort of state. He doesn't move until Janus opens his bedroom door. For a moment, the other man does nothing, then he lies down beside him for the duration of 'Bridge Over Troubled Water.'

"Are you okay?" He asks after a moment.

"I don't know," Remus manages out, his throat dry and dusty. "I got into college." Janus nods, staring at the ceiling and not at Remus. He's grateful for that. "I am happy, it's...I never thought..." he trails off, tears welling in his eyes again "...I feel so fragile these days."

"You're not any more or less fragile than the rest of us, we all have our pressure points," there's a quiet silence, and two sighs that don't intermingle "...you're healing, it's a vulnerable state to be in, but I know you, you're stubborn as fuck and when you put your mind to something there's naught that can stop you." Remus nods in agreement, exhaling an almost-silent laugh through his nose. "You're going to smash this, you're so damn talented Re, and you can do this."

"I need some stationery."

"Whatever you need," Janus sits up and looks down at him. Remus meets his eyes, his own swimming in tears. "I'll go flat broke before I let that be an obstacle for you."

"God, I love you," Remus whispers, his throat caught in tears as a flood of emotion hits him like a tidal wave. His heart stutters with his sob and more than anything he wishes to grip ahold of Janus and kiss him until neither of them can breathe. "I couldn't have done any of this without you." Janus shakes his head, frowning.

"You could have, don't do that to yourself," he takes Remus' hand in his own and presses a gentle kiss to his knuckle. "You are...you are everything to me, Re, you really are, but I need you to see that you did this, you did all the hard work and you've been doing it your whole life...I'm sure I helped, and Roman helped and all, but this is your achievement, this is what you've done." Remus bites his lip, his hand twitching in Janus' grasp. Silently, he sits up, wipes his eyes, and buries his face against the other man's chest, his shoulders trembling. "I love you."

"I love you," Remus sniffles, sucking in a breath. The words feel like a punch of euphoria, and Janus' grasp houses safety, unlike anything he could have ever felt. The fact that someone would give up everything for him is still so poignant to him. Though he'd realized long ago that Roman had done just that. The sort of self-hatred it used to bring flutters away because the rareness of genuine care is just so much more powerful. Remus is worried he may cry himself dry, unable to cope with the fact that he is so loved and loved in the way that requires nothing from him but to live and breathe and exist.

He cries and cries. He cries so much that Roman comes upstairs with a worried expression and that sets him off all over again. He feels Janus shake his head, just as lost as he is. Roman sits on the other side and rubs his back. Remus' cheeks flush heavy with the explosion of emotion and burning embarrassment. He just can't stop. He feels so...comfortable and safe with them, and as though no matter what everything will be alright as long as he has their support.

Everything will be alright.

When he's finally got nothing else to cry, he wipes his eyes. He shakes his head, not sure what to say, not even sure where to begin explaining the barrage of emotion that had ripped through his body. Luckily neither of them ask. "Dinner's ready," Roman half-whispers instead, squeezing his shoulder and dragging himself slowly to his feet "...and Patton's just around the corner." He gives a small smile, then he leaves.

Remus exhales shakily, wiping his eyes "...it's just so much," he whispers.

"It's okay, it's a few months away yet, you're not starting tomorrow."

"No, love, love is so much, it feels so much." Janus doesn't know how to respond, so he pulls out a packet of tissues and wipes Remus' tears away, before letting him blow his nose. Then he presses a kiss to each scarred knuckle.

"It is," he replies finally, it's all he can say, really. "I hope it's good, though."

"It's fantastic," Remus exhales again, laughter trembling from his lips. He shrugs. "Come on, I'm starving," his hand grips Janus', tugging him up to his feet. He's getting stronger now, too, his muscles returning to some semblance of actually existing. He stumbles a little when Janus draws to his feet, but there's a smile on his face that shows he is fine.

Patton walks in looking his usual cheery but tired self, dropping down on the couch in front of the TV to be handed his meal personally by Roman. Janus does the same for Remus, and neither men complain about being wait staff. Remus curls up into Janus' side and eats slowly, watching the old western movie that is playing. He finds them boring and American propaganda, but he's far too tired to really have a conversation. Roman breaks the news to Patton that Remus had been accepted into college, which is met with an "I knew he would," and a gesture towards a bag by the couch.

Remus frowns as he places his plate down on the coffee table, approaching the bag cautiously. Patton nods, a grin on his face. He picks it up and sits back down, finding a neatly wrapped box inside. He glances up at Patton with a half-smile and a raised eyebrow, a flush of barely-concealed excitement on his face. Tearing through the packaging, he finds a neat wooden box, filled with stationary, one of the fancy ones that have trays that lift up. "Oh my God," he whispers "...Pat...what the fuck? You aren't rich you know?"

"I have been waiting for this for about six years, let me have this," he points his fork threateningly at the other man. "I knew you'd get in." Remus shakes his head in disbelief, scrambling to his feet to give the man a warm hug. They don't hug often, but he feels the desperate urge to bury his face into the other man's shoulder and squeeze just enough for him to feel his gratefulness.

"Is now a good time to mention that I got you a present too?" Janus asks. His partner stands up straight with a look of disbelief on his face, shaking his head before stepping towards him. He's handed another bag that he hadn't noticed, by the side of the couch Janus is sitting on. This one is smaller, he unwraps it with the same amount of excitement. Inside he finds a book, about basic graphic communication. His eyes widen, looking down at the other man, lips parted to speak, but he's cut off. "I'll help you read it, but you should probably also see a doctor about a dyslexia test."

"Thank you," he utters. Janus manages to put his plate down before he has a lapful of Remus. He notes that the other man is getting heavier, the slight pressure on his thighs greatly more than that of when they're first met. There's more grip to him too. He doesn't mind, he'll just have to get a little stronger if he wants to continue lifting Remus up all the time.

After dinner, Remus makes a note on his calendar to call the doctor and ask for an appointment with his reading troubles, something that had been very much on the back-burner for the majority of his life. Then he takes Janus' hands and pulls him close, kissing him with intense ferocity. Their lips press together hard and fast, Remus' hands grabbing and pushing him down onto the bed. He clambers into his lap, the sharp heat of arousal pulling through him. He feels lightheaded, a little dizzy like he's on top of the world (and he is on top of his world, at least).

But Janus' hands come to rest gently on his arms, easing him away just gently. "Let's cool off a little," he utters, bashfully, the outline of his half-hard cock visible from where Remus had been grinding against him. All at once, they both feel rather tired, as if they had no desire at all at that moment. The energy slips away from Remus' fingertips and he flops back on the bed, holding out his arms for the other man. They curl into each other's safety with shaky exhales of relief before finally they drift off to sleep, still clutching each other like otters at sea.

#riptide ts #nsfs #not safe for sanders

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not-safeforsanders · 2 years

Text

Riptide

A/N: Oof, three more chapters to go.

Chapter 21: Lessons // It'll just take time, be patient with yourself, there's more room to grow if you leave your worries on the shelf

Ship: Receit

Warnings for this chapter: depression, being forced to practice self care

Warnings for the whole fic: Drug use, sexual content, sex under the influence of alcohol, alcoholism, implied/referenced suicide attempts, sexual trauma, sex addiction, self-worthlessness.

Word Count: 2347

Chapter Summary: Remus is starting to think about where he'd like to go next in his life.

Remus rests his head on the kitchen table with a shaky sigh. His shoulders slump with the rest of his body as though gravity is applying all the force it can to his being. For a second, his eyes remain entirely closed, he doesn't say or do a single thing, before he finally lifts his head. Lethargy is written into his shineless eyes, his teeth gritted as if in physical pain. "Is this supposed to still be happening?" He asks, mostly rhetorically as he changes to rest his head against the palm of his hand, rubbing gently at his pained temple. "Isn't this the point where things are supposed to be better?"

Roman, placing two bowls of cereal down on the table, raises an eyebrow at his brother. He pauses a second as he sits down, sighing, then he shakes his head. "Things are better," he hums, dragging a large spoonful of cornflakes to his mouth "...you're out of bed, aren't you?" It's true, Remus knows, that there were times he'd felt low and he couldn't fathom leaving the bed. But the last few weeks he's found being in bed is far more intolerable. Though his medication is evening out and the large, intensive bursts of euphoria are subsiding, he still feels far better than he had before. "One bad day doesn't discount all your progress, you're smarter than that."

"I suppose," Remus sighs, bringing the cereal bowl closer to him and digging in. "How do I stop having days like this, though?" He begins to eat, slowly. Even if he didn't have an appetite, his medication saw to it that he eats. He'd put on a lot of weight the last few weeks, and he can't say he minds having some colour in his cheeks, or hands that don't always shake. It feels odd to feel his body so...heavy, he'd never been quick to put on weight, but now when he stands he doesn't feel dizzy on iron deficiency. "I'm bored, Roman," he admits "...I don't want to just wait around to go work at the corner shop, I want...more."

Roman stares at him a second, taken aback. He opens his mouth but nothing comes out. When Remus glances up he sees that his eyes are a little watery. Roman stares down at his cereal for a second, clearing his throat. "If you want more from life you'll need to start looking for it, find a better job or...go back to college, maybe, if you finally have the energy to get some qualifications." The other man bites his lip in thought, sighing quietly.

"Aren't I bit old for that now?"

"No," Roman snorts "...there's a lad at my work who does evening classes after his shift, when he's finished he wants to go and be a teacher; if you'd believe it." Remus laughs softly, trying to imagine one the strapping lads at Roman's work in smart clothes. He's only been there a few times, but those men are always covered in dust and sweat and grease, and looking like they're all brawn but no brains. He supposes that determination is enough for some people. “What do you want to do?” Remus shrugs a little. “Well you’re good with art, you could do commercial arts.”

“What like, posters and shit?” Roman hums a little, nodding. “Huh maybe, what qualifications do I need for that?”

“Why don’t you go to the library and ask, they can help with your applications.” Remus hums a little, looking down at his bowl. “Go today.” The order is met with a suppressed - barely - groan, the younger man glaring up at his twin with disgust. He'd gotten out of bed, there wasn't a rule anywhere about having to leave the house; or worse, talking to people. His nose wrinkles, lips fixed into a grimace.

“I’m going back to sleep,” Remus mutters, knowing full well that that isn't going to happen at all. Not with Roman's raised eyebrow and disapproving expression. Sometimes Remus wonders if in another life they were father and son.

“Nope, no you’re not, you’re going to the library.” Roman stands, picking up his now-empty bowl of cereal. "So go and have a shower, get changed and come back downstairs filled with excitement." He gestures in a shooing motion flippantly to his brother, who stares up at him with faux resentment and explicit exhaustion. Remus hasn't, even now, managed to find the get-up-and-go that Roman has. He's fairly certain that it will take far more than just a handful of simple weeks and medication for him to just leave the house on a whim.

“Do I have to?" He groans. The look he gets gives him his answer.

“We’re both going to the library.”

Begrudgingly, Remus heaves his body up off of the chair, eyes narrowed and jaw clenched. Still, he doesn't protest any longer. A large part of him wants to go (and knows he needs to be) outside; it's exciting even under the dull ache of lethargy to even consider re-starting his education. He'd dropped out of college before he'd even hit 18. At the time the thought of things like a future seemed impossible, or at least improbable enough that the 17-year-old version of himself decided not to expend energy he didn't have into it.

He heads upstairs, and obediently steps into the shower. Water always calms him in a way he could never describe. The sensory heaven, peacefulness and safety of standing in the shower, the warmth encasing him and making him feel closed off from a loud and intolerable world. In the height of his depression, a shower was always the closest thing to sanity he could ever experience. The world is cold when he steps out of it, but he pays it no mind as he continues getting ready. Though the lethargy lingers, he has to admit he feels better in a small sort of way when he's finished putting on clean clothes.

When he gets downstairs, Roman has his coat and shoes on, his keys in hand. The elder of the twins beams at Remus, and though he won't admit it he almost wants to smile back. The outside air is lukewarm and calming. He exhales softly, feeling the after-shocks of winter on his face, not biting, but making him breathe more freely. Remus pushes his hands into the pocket of his jacket as the corner of his lips dares to quirk into a smile. Roman locks up the house and they begin to walk down the street in silence. There isn't much need to speak and Roman rightfully assess that maybe Remus does not have the energy for conversation right now. But still, he enjoys the relaxed expression on his face with ease.

The library is only small. Remus had jokingly referred to it as a cardboard box on multiple occasions, but the inside is stacked with so many books that he feels claustrophobic just looking at it. The librarian behind the counter is a kindly old woman, her thin lips curled into a surprisingly warm smile as she pushes her glasses up her nose and looks up at him. "Apparantly, this is where I come for college applications?" He mutters, as Roman paces steps behind him like a guard. "For adults, I mean, I-I'm 25." The woman nods, pushing her chair back and pulling open a drawer.

"There's a handful of colleges you can apply for, some closer to home than others, but if you just have a look through these..." she places a couple of leaflets down "...and have a look which of the colleges are best for you, and then fill out these forms...then all you have to do is post them, or if you prefer to hand deliver..." Remus blinks slowly, picking up the sudden load of paper in his possession. "If you need any additional help, I can give you a hand, otherwise...best of luck!" She smiles again, and Remus nods, holding the stack of papers close to his chest.

"Thank you." He steps back, looking at the papers in his hand, then at Roman. "I think I can probably fill these out at home."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, they're just basic questions really," he flicks through one of the forms "...so can we go home?" Roman nods.

On the way back, Remus stops very suddenly, his eyebrows furrowed and eyes unfocused. "Re?" Roman asks gently, his hands coming up to grip his brother's forearms. The other man trembles, holding the sheets of paper so hard that they're starting to crumple. "Re can you hear me?" The unfocused gaze lifts to meet Roman's, and he nods mutely, searching for some attention to hold. Then he nods again, more firmly, blinking rapidly as he tries to clear the sudden fog from his mind. "What's wrong?"

"I don't know," he whispers automatically, bringing a hand to rub his eyes as disorientation settles "...do you really think I can do this, Ro?"

"Of course," Roman mutters, carefully taking the papers from Remus' hands before he cuts himself "...there's nothing you can't do, Re," he holds out his arms and Remus falls into his brother's grip with ease, breathing shakily. "You've always persevered if nothing else, and maybe you'll be really good at it, maybe you won't, but you won't know unless you try - at the very least." Remus nods, trying to gather some air into his lungs, before he finally steps back, cheeks flushed in mild embarassment. "Come on, you've got a college to choose." Despite the heaviness in his chest, Remus smiles and nods, and they begin to walk home again.

Remus insists he can fill out the forms alone. The reading is not too difficult though he wished they'd printed these pamphlets in a larger font.

When they see Janus later, he tells Janus that Remus is upstairs filling in college application forms, he looks tired, so the blond asks him what’s wrong. He shakes his head a little, looking up towards the ceiling as if he’s afraid that Remus will hear. Janus closes the kitchen door.

“He’s going to college,” Roman mutters. “I’m happy for him, I just don’t really know how to be without him anymore, we were talking about life after all this, he wants to move in with you and I figured that’s a conversation for you two, and that’s fine and great, I can move to the city with Patton, rent will be easier to cover then, and you own your house so you can afford a student.” He sighs. “It’s just Remus never wanted to go to college, he was too tired and depressed to have any motivation for his future.”

"And you?”

Roman nods slightly. “But it’s fine, I’m in my twenties and I’ve my whole life ahead of me you know.” He leans back “I can go to college when I’m older, and have a proper place, who knows at the end of the day, besides I don’t hate my job, the lads are alright and it keeps me fit and healthy.” He laughs, Roman’s laughs are always loud, and passionate, a lot like himself.

Janus nods. A small, sympathetic smile on his lips. “I’m so proud of him, Jan, I didn’t think I’d ever see him, who he really is underneath all that sadness, most of his life he’s been like that...but now he’s...he’s applying to college, and he’s cooking and cleaning and singing, he laughs and…” he chokes on his words a little, bringing a hand to his mouth, he laughs tearily, blinking back tears as he shakes his head. “I’m so grateful for the way you’ve supported him, I couldn’t do it alone, but you have helped him.”

“He helped himself,” Janus shakes his head a little. “I just held his hand through it, and so did you, a-and it isn’t your fault, Roman, he wasn’t ready to get better and now he is and that’s just how this shit works.”

“Still, it can’t have been easy.”

“Easy is boring,” he snorts. “I want Remus and not much else in life.”

Roman laughs and wipes his eyes. “Challenging and sarcastic is your type then?”

“Oh definitely, wouldn’t have him any other way.” The look in his eyes, and the way that he speaks, with such firmness that nobody could argue, softens any doubts Roman could have had about Janus' feelings for Remus. Not that there was ever much doubt in that regard. He simply is nothing like the other men Remus has dragged in to (and promptly pushed out of) his life. There is a gentle kindness to him beneath the rugged exterior.

“Awh thanks,” Janus spins around on the spot to see Remus grinning, leaning against the door frame. “Boost my ego why don’t ya?” He leans up to kiss Janus’ cheek. “I’m thinking chicken for dinner, I’ll post those applications tomorrow.”

“What’re you wanting to study?” Janus asks curiously.

“Art and Design, Maths, English, Low grade science, all the shit I need.” Janus nods. “Did you go to college?”

“I did.”

"What did you study?”

“Design and Technology,” he hums a little, casting his mind back to the not-so-far and yet not-so-recent times of his life. “I enjoyed it too, right before I blew up a piece of work, literally by the way, literally exploded, don’t let sixteen year olds fuck around with electricity.”

“How did you land an actual job?” Roman mutters, firing up the hob.

“I ask myself the same question every day,” Janus laughs gently, shrugging his shoulders. "Here, why don't I cook for a change? I could do with something to do, I've had an energetic day." He gives the twins a small smile, gesturing for them to sit. Roman, tired as is, raises his hands in mock-defeat, and steps back to let Janus take over. Janus feels a warmth in his heart as the twins sit down at the table and begin to chat. The sort of warmth he's come to label as "family."

#nsfs #riptide ts #not safe for sanders #nsfs dukeceit

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