morbid-mordecai

[morbid-mordecai]

i have neither a good imagination nor aphantasia, but a secret third thing

#My visualization is usually a 4 #But then even 4 has too much color #It is SO hard for me to see color in my brain. I can do it but it takes A LOT of energy #I don't dream in color either #Trying to visualize things for me is like watching an old fuzzy black and white tv with bad reception

[morbid-mordecai]

4/20 related post that I forgot to make yesterday.

Edit- "stopped for some reason" includes job, reliable access, a home environment that allows it, sobriety, etc.

#I have a bad mindset about it because of people in my life who have heavily abused it #So I've been told I never should and I don't really like having a changed mental state anyway

[morbid-mordecai]

poor memory is a huge deal and i wish people wouldn't diminish it by saying "oh yeah i can't remember what i had for breakfast lol."

i can't remember the first 10 years of my life. i can't remember entire days, weeks, months at a time. i can't remember entire people, i can't remember names or faces. i can't remember when things are scheduled for, my calendar app on my phone is booked to the max with reminders and task checklists. i can't remember when i moved into what home when, i can't remember important milestone dates like when i got or lost certain jobs, or when i started a new hobby.

that's what i mean when i say i have poor memory. poor memory is so scary for the person who has it. it's not a quirky thing, everyone forgets small details. memory problems are scary because you can go through entire events or days with no memory, or plan for things in the future that you can't recall ever even looking into or scheduling. it's not a funny haha kind of thing, it's serious, and it affects a lot of people in very unavoidable ways.

not being able to plan for appointments or work schedules, not being able to remember people's names or faces, not being able to recall whether or not you were present for something or whether or not you met someone, not being able to keep track of what's happening on what dates and losing track of items because you can't remember where you put them are all very real problems, and anyone dealing with them deserves to be taken seriously, and not diminished when they choose to speak up about it.

#i am guilty of saying the breakfast thing. However I actually have issues with my memory. between the adhd and the trauma. #Not that it means I should keep saying that ofc #Probably one of those minimizing my own symptoms thing from the people pleasing or whatever #I also recognize my memory issues are not as bad as ops but bad enough that i can relate to them

[morbid-mordecai]

New zine that's free for anyone to print and distribute! Read the whole thing at newlevant.com/COVIDzine or in the rest of this post.

#I hate thinking about what getting covid Twice has done to my body when im still actively protecting myself and wearing masks ;-; #stay safe

[morbid-mordecai]

#asshat not featured here #Cryotic or however you spell his name #turned out to be like predatory n a groomer or something like that #was the moment I stopped trusting youtubers

[morbid-mordecai]

#I was diagnosed as a child and still went through this #my pain wasn't real #and now. I ignore my pain

[morbid-mordecai]

"aphobia doesn't exist"

bitch literally not that long ago an aroace youtuber animator was insulted by almost half of its community for being it

#Aphobia is fucking disgusting. this post is fucking nasty #and by nasty I do mean the aphobic people. Not the person posting about the aphobic people #its just bigotry repackaged in a pretty little bow #Aphobia is also just rape culture #Ace people belong in the community #Aro people belong in the community #All aspec people are part of the community and are not a THREAT #Also don't forget about the Aphobia in the Ace community directed at Aces who choose engage in sexual activity #And the Aphobia directed at sex repulsed Aces. It goes both ways #I know this post isn't about that. But it is just another brand of Aphobia

[morbid-mordecai]

One of my friends thought there might be a correlation here, so let's find out...

No see results, you must decide. Add nuance in tags/replies if you wish.

reblogging for larger sample size appreciated

you can submit polls to this blog via asks and submissions

#Am Ace but yea I'm a monsterfucker lmao #-Looks at the really fucked up vampires with stars in my eyes- #Look its not about *me* my physical self doing those things. cause. ugh. #but its about the little fucked up guy in my head that represents me doing it #I'm sure that makes sense

[morbid-mordecai]

#never having to sleep. i can get so many things done without being run down

[morbid-mordecai]

“So, I’m on a plane today. Here’s what I did to prepare to fly as a very fat person. (Thread.)” by @yrfatfriend

(…)    

I brought my own seatbelt extender, so I wouldn’t have to ask for one. Sometimes my extender is confiscated by the TSA. Today it wasn’t. I’m not worried about the embarrassment of asking for a seatbelt extender. I know I’m fat. I’m worried that hearing me ask for an extender will prompt others to complain. If they do, it starts a domino effect of trouble for me. Passengers complaining to flight attendants will get me reseated, charged double, or escorted off the plane, stranded without a way home.

Over the last 2 yrs, about 50% of passengers in my row complained about me. So, my body is regularly discussed in my presence w/o my input. Some policies don’t include a refund or rebooking policy. So I could be out $1300 & still stranded. That’s a risk I take every time I fly. And no matter what happens, if someone complains, my body will be discussed loudly, with open revulsion, without regard for who hears it. As a very fat person on a plane, I am treated like luggage–a cumbersome, exasperating inconvenience. Inanimate & unfeeling.

I also checked my bag so I wouldn’t give any other passengers another reason to be irritated with me. I bought a first class tickets bc they’re a bit wider, but mostly because there are partitions between seats. So complaints are less likely.

Although I bought a first class ticket, and despite being ~60 lbs smaller than I used to be, the tray table doesn’t fit around me. Without a tray table, I can’t work for the full six hours. I also won’t be able to eat the first class meal that comes with the ticket. I also won’t request anything so the flight attendant doesn’t have to reach over me, again prompting my seat mate to complain.

So I’ll sit silently, arms crossed, so I don’t encroach on my neighbor’s space.

Today, I was lucky–I boarded & the flight took off without incident. I hope I’m so lucky on my return flight. No one likes flying. It’s not comfortable for anyone. But for some of us, it’s a major physical, financial & emotional risk.

And this isn’t about emotional fragility. I’m vulnerable, but I’m tough. This is about airline policies, and about what happens when others decide to make an issue of my body.

I was complained about for the first time about six years ago. I will never forget it. I was on an oversold flight, moved to a middle seat. The man sitting next to me became increasingly agitated. I said hello, asked how he was. He didn’t respond. He got up several times to talk to a flight attendant, pointing angrily back at me. My stomach sunk as I realized what was happening. When he returned, he gathered his things and said sharply, “this is for your comfort. It’ll be better for both of us.” The FA looked at him blankly and said “no it’s not. Someone else will be sitting here.” He scowled at her, then me, then moved to his new seat–directly in front of me.

I spent the rest of the flight with my arms & legs crossed, humiliated and alone. No one spoke to me or made eye contact. The flight attendant didn’t speak to me, but gave free food and drinks to the others in my row–rewards for tolerating my presence. No one said anything. No one interrupted him or reached out to me. I was invisible.

At the end of the flight, as we filed into the aisle, the man who asked to be reseated spoke to me. “I wouldn’t do that to someone who was pregnant or in a wheelchair,” he said. “I know,” I said. “That’s what makes this so awful.”

I didn’t fly for a year and a half after that. Refused travel for work, didn’t see my family, only traveled where I could drive.

I fly now because I love my family, who live about a thousand miles away. I don’t know what my life would be without my niece & nephew. I fly because I value my job, & I’m good at it. & bc advancing my career means traveling. People bigger than me may not have that option. I fly because my life is my own, and others’ preconceptions of me & my body won’t control it. But they can make it much, much harder.

If you learned something from this thread/think others might, please RT. It would genuinely help if others knew where their complaints lead.

#I hate how society treats fat people

[morbid-mordecai]

#Leftist Spaces don't allow for people to grow learn and change

[morbid-mordecai]

#hard pick between Howls moving castle and Spirited away #had to go with howl #but man does spiritrd away make me sob every time i watch it #they love each other #and my sister would say “He's a RIVER”

[morbid-mordecai]

#gay blogs. its just the vibe

[morbid-mordecai]

just curious as they're always things i've never questioned just doing but people in my life are often surprised that i don't mind doing them alone

🔁 pls reblog for sample size

#I like being alone but the world is scary. I don't want to be alone.

[morbid-mordecai]

Huge fan of when my speech patterns rub off on people enjoy when thay happens

#skill issue

[morbid-mordecai]

My dad and I once had a disagreement over him using the adage "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."

I said, "That's just not true. Sometimes what doesn't kill you leaves you brittle and injured or traumatized."

He stopped and thought about that for a while. He came back later, and said, "It's like wood glue."

He pointed to my bookshelf, which he helped me salvage a while ago. He said, "Do you remember how I explained that, once we used the wood glue on them, the shelves would actually be stronger than they were before they broke?"

I did.

"But before we used the wood glue, those shelves were broken. They couldn't hold up shit. If you had put books on them, they would have collapsed. And that wood glue had to set awhile. If we put anything on them too early, they would have collapsed just the same as if we'd never fixed them at all. You've got to give these things time to set."

It sounded like a pretty good metaphor to me, but one thing I did pick up on was that whatever broke those shelves, that's not the thing that made them stronger. That just broke them. It was being fixed that made them stronger. It was the glue.

So my dad and I agreed, what doesn't kill you doesn't actually make you stronger, but healing does. And if you feel like healing hasn't made you stronger than you were before, you're probably not done healing. You've got to give these things time to set.

[morbid-mordecai]

this is like 100% petty all things considered but i just can’t wait until some of u learn that it is absolutely normal for people of any age to refer to their dads as “daddy” in many parts of the south like it isn’t a red flag there. 60 year old women in my family still refer to their dads as “daddy.” and btw i think anyone should be allowed to call their own fathers whatever they want without someone either making it nasty or being accusatory like don’t you get tired of making ppl uncomfortable for no reason

#People are weird