memoriesofasuicidalgirl - Tumblr blog

Memories of a suicidal girl

[She/her] [1997] TW: suicide/depression /mental illness /self hate/ fear. The whole blog is a trigger warning, tbh. *** It's funny, it's fine. Maybe this is what I need for inspiration. Here I am crying words, after all. I'm tired. Ifeel tired, barely can keep my hands writing; my arms are too heavy tonight. Oh, but I can't sleep, no matter how bad I feel or how much my head hurts, no matter if the room has started to spin around and breathing is getting difficult. I can't sleep. *** After all this time, I come back here, once again looking for a peace I'll never find. Would it be better if I ended it all?

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memoriesofasuicidalgirl · 8 months

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Things I wrote when I was still in love

Life has it's way to me it funny. You get used to not feel anything, but then it hits you; in a party you really didn't want to go to, you see aboy as soon as you cross the door. Whith his sewwt smile and warm laught and peaceful eyes. And then everything changes.

Life has it's ways to make it funny. I was never one to believe in love ore to believe thet I could ever feel it.

Of course that first night nothing really happened ans i was left with the desire of kissing him, to shy to act, drunk enough to just talk. It was stupidand I should have acted up, but he was also shy and had to go and, let's be honest, confidence is not my strength.

But it happened that we kept talking and talking, he sent me this cute selfies that brigth up my days.

We meet up again all together and I couldn't talk or look at him without blushing.

He was as shy as me so I guess we have that to thank our friends.

The days after I couldn't stop thinking about how a sudden meet like that can make you feel so many new things you didn't even believe to be real.

Day after day, word after word my heart felt a little bit more.

Then we meet again, just the two of us. I was nervous and shy and late, and he was nice and kind and caring and sweet and we talked and walked and I borrowed his hoddie and my heart did that thing again.

We kept talking and walking till we couldn't strech the time anymore. And we kissed, in the plataform and I feel dizzy and light and happy.

Things have been going like that, he has come home for lunch, to sleep.

I talked with my mom that day before dinner. She was prettt much sure that I am in love with him. I asked how she knew when she was in love. She told me about the need of being with him, told me about how a word of him made life better, easier, like you could breth again.

The night he stayed, my birthday night, after we cuddeled watching a show, we where on my bed, kissing, touching eachother. His soft skin felt heavenly and his lips on my neck and sweet whispers made my wals crumble down.

And it was then, stradling him, looking at him so gone, with the shadow of a smile on his lips that a thought maybe mom was right. Maybe I am in love with him.

I definietly don't know how to handdle that, not like I care.

The thing is that no matter what this feelings are or where they come from... He makes me happy, in a kind of stupid and absurd way. One word of him, one text, or a kiss and all the weights my heart carries seem to get lighter. The darkness that surrounds my soul leaves room for light, the fear, tha insecurities get a bit smallerand I can say I'm happy. He makes me happy, so much it frightens me, but it also makes me wanna be brave, makes me wanna try, makes me wanna live.

He's passionate about life, and that's so knew for me, someone who don't really mind about livig or not, is really amazing, marvelous...magical.

#my own mess #it's funny how much things can change in a year #we not only aren't together anymore we don't talk anymore #last time we talked i got so mad and we fixed a couple of things #a well deserved closure

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memoriesofasuicidalgirl · 9 months

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Like I told both of them I was feeling left out and she tried to make me think it was all in my head but now we are traveling all together again and they booked the flight together and I found out today??? Because what was the point of telling me, right? And now like, oh we're actually doing this, if you want to come with, but they were not going to invite me BUT IT'S ALL IN MY HEAD!? Fuck off, tbh.

I'm so sick of this and of her pretending. I've tried to go back to normal but this keeps happening and it's sickening

Lol. Whatever.

#my own mess #are we even friends anymore?#are you kidding me #depressing shit #Really what the actual point I'm sick

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memoriesofasuicidalgirl · 9 months

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Lol. Whatever.

#my own mess

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memoriesofasuicidalgirl · 10 months

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I hope this makes things right and doesn't sit it the wrong way.

#my own mess #this doesn't make any sense and my anxiety is fucking me over IT WAS JUST A GOD DAMN COMMENT

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memoriesofasuicidalgirl · 10 months

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No pero en serio, es que no se que se supone que he dicho para que me ponga esa reacción y me da miedo preguntar. Es que no voy a preguntar pero no lo entiendo. Si es que no se para que hablo.

#my own mess

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