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lumpy-veev · 18 hours

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I can't find your bread recipe :( with the tag bread queen there are only three posts and none of them is your wonderful recipe where it how can I find it? Ly

Oh! I had to switch accounts at some point last year, that’d probably do it. Hold on I got you! The reblog it’s posted on is here, and since it’s about time I copied it into its own post anyway… With a few minor edits:

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Two adulting (kitchen-related) tips from me!

1. Buy a roll of parchment paper from the cooking shit aisle. A big roll will last you for-fucking-ever. Pretty much any time you’re using a baking pan you can line it with that stuff and save yourself A: food sticking to the pan and B: it’s a quick rinse and it’s clean.

2. Bread can get fucking expensive, so make your own. A bigass bag of flour and a bag of active dry yeast (store it in the friiiiidge!!!) works out a FUCK of a lot cheaper than buying bread at the store, and you can do so much more with it. Bread, pizza, rolls, cinnibuns, homemade pizza pockets. It seems intimidating but it’s stupid easy.

Seriously. It’s stupid simple to make, and most of the “3 hours” to make it is sitting around surfing the internet or doing whatever the fuck you want while the dough rises. If you have an afternoon free once a week to sit and play video games or surf the net, you have the time to make your own bread on the cheap. Here’s my simple-as-fuck recipe:

2 ¼ teaspoons active dry yeast (You can buy a bag of this stuff CHEAP in bulk stores, the little single-serve packets are hella stupid priced)1 cup warm water (think a hot bath)1 ½ teaspoons sugar2 tablespoons oil (any kind works for the most part)2 ¼ cups flour1 teaspoon salt

1. Stir the yeast, water, sugar, and oil up in a bowl. Let it sit for about 10 minutes. It will foam up VERY high, this is the yeast getting happy! If it doesn’t get all foamy, the water may have been too hot or not hot enough. Remember, Yeast is alive! Treat it like a nice girlfriend!

2. Mix your flour, salt, and the yeast concoction up in a bowl.

3. Knead that shit for about 5 minutes. It will start sticky as heck, but will come together into a nice dough. If it’s still super sticky, toss in a bit more flour. The dough should feel silky to touch if you’ve done it long enough. Here’s how to knead it:

4. Put your dough in a covered, lightly oiled bowl and leave it someplace warmish for an hour. At that point it will have roughly doubled in size, give it a gentle punch to release the gasses that have built up inside. Cover it again and let it sit for a bit longer.

Boom. You have bread dough. Here are some baking times and uses for ya:

Optional egg-wash: Just crack an egg into a bowl, add a pinch of salt or some water if you’re game, and mix the bejeebus out of it with a fork. Brush (or if you’re like me, goop it on with said fork) that shit thinly on bread before baking for a nice crust.

Pizza: Stretch it on a pan, stab the fucker all over with a fork, add toppings, bake 425*F 15-20 minutes. Roughly the same process for pizza pockets, just with more filling and pinching it shut before baking.

Bread Sticks: Make snake-shapes, let rest on pan 10-ish minutes, bake 400*F 10-20 minutes.

Dinner rolls/Pullaparts: Make ball-sized (yes those balls) balls. Place on greased pan, let rest 10-20 minutes to rise. Egg-wash and bake 375*F 25 minutes.

Bread: Lightly score (cut) the top, let sit for 20-ish minutes on/in whatever you’re using to bake it, egg-wash, bake at 375*F for 20-ish minutes. It’s done when it sounds hollow if you knock on the bottom. If it sounds solid, it’s still doughy.

You bet your ass you can deep-fry this shit for cheapie yeast doughnuts. Roll that shit in sugar or dip it in whatever, it’s fucking tasty.

Bagels: YES. YOU. CAN. Form bagel-shapes out of the dough and boil them in salty water for about 2 minutes. Egg-wash them and bake them at 400*F for 10 minutes.

Cinnamon Rolls: Roll that shit out into a rectangle. Brush it with a mix of butter, cinnamon, sugar, and a pinch of salt (no exact amounts here, do it to your taste). Roll it up into a log, and cut it into discs. Let them sit 20 minutes in a pan and then bake at 375*F 15-17 minutes. I can personally vouch for these coming out amazing! If you bake them long enough, the filling will caramelize on the bottom of the pan into pseudo-crunchy-sweet-buttery candy, and if you’re using parchment paper it’ll pop right off for indulgent consumption.

You can add whatever you want to the dough for some variety, just if it’s dried spices remember you really only need 1-ish tablespoons. I personally like making bread with about 1 tablespoon of dill in the dough. Roll it out flat, sprinkle it with cheddar, roll it into a log, squeeze the ends shut, and bake it like a regular loaf of bread. Cheesy dill bread OMNOMNOM.

That got a bit long. But yeah. Bread’s expensive, yo. Save your wallet.

(Also it’s ridiculous amounts of therapeutic to bake, for me anyway.)

#reblog #for me

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lumpy-veev · 2 days

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learning that people want you in their lives is a skill you can develop if it does not come naturally

#reblog #sure!! kill me at 3am why don't u???

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lumpy-veev · 5 days

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THOUGHT GAINED: INFERNAL ENGINES

PROBLEM

The world is ending. You know it, your neighbor knows it, the dealer knows it, the jailer knows it, the king and all his men know it. All one has to do is look around to see it— the future is curdling into something pale and incorporeal. The infernal machine that is this stupid world is going to blow, sooner rather than later. So what are you doing? Why are you still here? Why is anyone still here?

SOLUTION

You are doing the only thing worth doing. You are living. *Why,* you ask? Try and remember now. Remember your mother’s hand on your shoulder. Remember the taste of a fresh catch. Remember the times when you were kind to the dogs in the valley and they did not bare their teeth. Remember the weight of a child on your shoulders. Remember the stars throwing their light against the wall of sodium and smog. Remember singing until your throat was raw. Remember crying just as loudly and publicly, and the gentleness with which someone opened your curled fist and pressed a handkerchief into your palm. Crying, laughing, running, eating, screaming, haunting, loving, fighting, fighting, fighting. The fight fuels you, and you fuel the fight. You run yourself ragged just for a chance to keep running. You never stop. You cannot stop. The world depends on it. *You* are the infernal engine. You are the world. And, simply put: you want to live.

#reblog #disco elysium

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lumpy-veev · 7 days

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Sleep Mode (Without the Buttons)

Happy (late TvT) birthday to @starrysupercell! I wrote a Barley x Ash ficlet for my wonderful tumblr pal, but it's a bit short for ao3, so I figured I'd post it here!

Context: I have a little story brewing in my head, about Barley accidentally making a wish around Gene and becoming human for a bit! This is the first time he ever goes to sleep as a human. (I might post more about human Barley sometime in the future, but for now, this is all I have XD).

Enjoy!

— — —

Ash knows what it's like to share a bed with a warm body.

Several warm bodies, even, what with the way his parents crammed him and his siblings into one room back when he was a wee lad.

But none of them were Barley.

And none of them were as fidgety as Barley.

"Bon?" he finally says as Barley rolls over for the fourth time in just as many minutes. "If ye ain't comfy I can sleep on the couch."

"Ah, no. It's fine," comes the hushed reply. From the sound of Barley's voice, he's facing away from him again.

Ash gives a non-committal hum in response, sliding an arm under his pillow as he gets settled again.

"I just feel like I'm doing it wrong."

"Hn?" It takes a moment for his bleary mind to process. "...Sleepin'?"

"Yes! I don't know what I could be missing. I'm worn out from the workday, I'm wearing comfortable sleepwear, I've even been trying to close my eyes and keep still." Ash feels a shift in the bed as Barley adjusts himself. "But I still don't feel any closer to falling asleep."

"Yeah? Well—" Ash stifles a yawn. "You're nae doin' anythin' wrong, f'that's all yer worried aboot."

"No?"

"No. Sometimes ye just dinnae fall asleep." Ash sighs.

"Oh," Barley whispers. "That's..."

"Bloody annoyin'? A pain in the arse?" He snorts.

"I was going to say inconvenient. But I suppose you're correct as well," Barley chuckles quietly.

"Hm."

The two of them fall silent for a moment.

"Is that something that happens to you often?" Barley pipes up again.

"Hm?"

"Not being able to sleep."

"Ah. Well." It's something Ash is all too familiar with. "Depends on how ye mean it. Sometimes I dinnae sleep till late coz I have more mess t'clean up than usual. Sometimes I dinnae sleep coz I just can't. Like you, right now. So, somewhat, I guess."

"Oh."

Ash can't tell what Barley's thinking. "S'not terrible. I make do with what I get."

"I suppose you do."

"...Mm." The bed creaks as Ash rolls over to stare at the ceiling. "But don't use me as an example of how ye should be taking care of yerself. I'm a terrible example."

Barley doesn't respond.

Ash turns his head.

In the darkness, he can just barely make out the outline of Barley's narrow shoulders.

If Ash really looked, he'd probably be able to see them rise and fall as he breathes. He'd probably be able to feel it, if he pressed a hand against his back. But the warmth settling under the covers with them is already more than enough, so Ash looks away, and settles for pulling his sheets a bit snugger around himself.

"You're not so terrible," Barley says, just as Ash thinks the conversation must have ended. "It's not as simple as I thought it'd be."

Ash blinks. "...Falling asleep?"

"Taking care of yourself, I mean. Being human at all is— it's—" Barley seems to cut himself off. "I'm sorry, I must be keeping you up, maybe I should move to the couch instead—"

"Bon."

Barley stops.

"C'mere." Ash rolls over, scooting over to loop his arms around his waist and pull him close. Barley makes a soft, surprised noise as he does. "S'this alright, Bon?"

He shifts a bit, but settles quick.

"Um, I— this... yes. Yes, more than alright."

Ash feels a hand cover his.

"Mm. Good." Barley smells like his soap. It suits him, because everything does. "Bein' human's a right chore sometimes. But it's not so bad. We're good at chores, you n' I."

"...We are, aren't we?" This close, Ash can hear the smile in his voice.

"We are," he affirms. "Now stop thinkin' so hard. I can hear it from out here."

That gets a snicker out of Barley, and Ash can feel the tension bleed from his shoulders as he finally relaxes.

"You ask the impossible of me, dear," Barley sighs. "But for you I will try. Goodnight, Ash."

"G'night, Bon. Sleep well."

#lumpywrites #brawl stars #brawl stars barley #brawl stars ash #keepers #human robotics #that'll be my tag for human barley #cuz why not?#when ash wakes up to go to work in the morning he will not be able to leave #he will be firmly clung to like the teddy bear #barley will be clinging to him like barnacle to ship

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lumpy-veev · 7 days

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@natto-axolotl

#reblog #dutch? dutch. d dutch? dutch. dutch.

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lumpy-veev · 8 days

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I get so confused whenever I see an AI-generated sea slug of a species that doesn't even exist, like is the world not beautiful enough for you? Do you care not for Babakina anadoni...?

Nemesignis banyulensis?

Bornella anguilla?

Phyllodesmium poindimiei?

Sea angel??

#reblog #i was already enjoying this post #but ngl the sudden pivot from unitalicized scientific names to italicized not scientific name for the sea angel took me straight out #like hmmm yess the Clione limacina #commonly known in the scientific community as the widdle guy

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lumpy-veev · 9 days

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#reblog #'because i've read the rest of the fucking poem' goes hard as hell #like damnnn

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lumpy-veev · 9 days

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hey I really hate doing self publicity bUT. FOLKS WE NEED TO MOVE THESE BOOKS or there won't be room in the Topatoco warehouse for TPoH volume 4, which we plan to kickstart later this year- so yeah!

THE PRINCESS AND THE JESTER BOOKS ON SALE NOW!

don't miss the opportunity, there's only a limited number left and they're really gorgeous guys seriously ya gotta get in on this

Want to try before you buy? You can read the Princess and the Jester FOR FREE right here! Go enjoy a free fairy tale! You earned it.

#reblog #for me #oh! oh!#delighted i am!!!#delightful story #audibly went o noe #when the councillors gave the princess the jester's bloody hat #OUGH #OUGHGHG THEM LOVE EACH OTHER OUGH

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lumpy-veev · 11 days

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