lowkeyventing

[lowkeyventing]

'I'll always love you & be here for you'

- men, while abandoning me, 1997 - ongoing

#just bpd things #actually bpd #bpd vent #bpd problems #trauma #abandonment

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sorry i pushed you away i felt abandoned and suicidal

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i’m full of too much love but i’m also full of too much mental illness

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Isnt it fucked up how you got away with every horrible thing u made me experience and I’m the one who has to live with myself feeling absolutely fucking worthless

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having a cringy depression tumblr is the highlight of my life atm.

that’s so depressing omg.

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imagine having a disorder that literally translates to being 'on the edge of psychosis' pretty much 24/7 (borderline) and people still thinking that bpd sufferers are just plain attention seekers lol

believe me if there was a pill to cure this hell hole of a mind bending curse i would've taken it years ago

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“Where do you see yourself in the future”

Bb I don’t. I do not. I do not see myself. There is no future.

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“She struggled with her sadness, but tried to conceal it, to divide it into smaller and smaller parts and scatter these in places she thought no one would find them.”

— Nicole Krauss

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“You're asking me what I want for breakfast and I'm telling you about how when the worst thing happened, I didn't even cry. You're handing me a receipt from the laundromat down the street and I'm passing you a bundle of letters that I wrote to God when I was fourteen and scared. You're passing me the milk after you drip it into your coffee and I'm half laughing about the psychiatrist's office and how there's actually a couch and it's made of blue tweed. You're trying to do the normal things and I am throwing up dull pieces of truth onto our kitchen table. I can't lie anymore. These are the things I've done and they're mostly sad. These are the places I've been and they're mostly awful. This life has woven itself into the notches of my spine and I hear it creak every time I stand.”

— Fortesa Latifi; Dull Pieces Of Truth

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i was supposed to be happy too.

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My brain at all times: everyone hates you and wants you dead and at best people don’t give a fuck about you and you’re irrelevant

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“are you ok?”

(hasn’t been eating or sleeping, constantly switching between insane panic and dissociation) “sure”

[lowkeyventing]

Haruki Murakami,Ottessa Moshfegh,Sylvia Plath(II),Henry Miller,Friedrich Nietzsche

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"I look at her, and I see it. She no longer wishes to be loved childishly. She wants to be loved with the strength and charm of maturity. She doesn’t want to be smothered by the fear of jealousy and insecurities. She doesn’t want a relationship based solely on shutting the world out and locking each other in. She wants to be somewhere where she can breathe. Where she can smile and be her true self. Where, even in the midst of a million people with a million heartbeats surrounding her, she can still know the sound, even play the tune, or nod her head to the rhythm of the one she calls "home.” And as I said, I look at her and wish to be her home.”

[lowkeyventing]

How to Maintain Eye Contact, Robert Wood Lynn

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I have a distinct memory of laying in my bed as a kid and wishing with all my heart that I would get hurt. That I would get into a bad car crash or I'd disappear. So my parents would cry and realize they didn't cherish me enough.

I find it sad that younger me thought she had to get hurt to feel loved.

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I am in pain constantly. I am overwhelmed by my emotions constantly. But at the same time I feel so empty all the time. How is it even fucking possible to feel everything and nothing all at once? How is it fucking possible that I feel like my emotions so fucking intense they cause me physical pain, but also feel so fucking empty? What the actual fuck is that? I just want to be okay, all I want is to not be so fucking miserable anymore.