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lilililililah · 3 days
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lilililililah · 1 month
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There's something really simplistic about my depression this time around. I don't know if you can even call it depression, it feels more akin to just. A despair. I want to die, and friends are a temporary distraction. Work is a temporary distraction. I am angry, all the time. It feels bad. It feels wrong. I want to stop being like this, but how? How when the world won't stop being a self obsessed vain waste pit. How when not even my friends can come together into morality. They are all so self obsessed it hurts. I am so self obsessed it hurts. I want to be selfless, to be kind and continuous. I cannot. I physically cannot. Not while I'm alone. It hurts. I ask God to be kind to me, because I do not have enough strength to pray some nights. Goodness comes in waves, before it washes back out to shore. I become obsessed with nothing. It hurts. Where did the time go. I am not going anywhere. It seems, there is nothing for me in moments alone. I cling to the people around me like ice to a windshield. Like frost to a pole. I am the cold thar sticks to the roof of your mouth after heaving in winter air. This, my feelings, are how I best state it. Nothing comes of good anymore, when I stick myself to the couch the residue comes off against its cushions. My hair is there to be pulled, a cool relief for a moment before it comes to a biting swell. I wonder. Yet again, I wonder. Can I pry it out? I am nothingness in a very simple way, and I must need others to fill me. I am sorry. God you are there watching over me and I have made nothing of this life yet in my alone moments. I will try harder.
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lilililililah · 2 months
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I feel like I fucked up so many things today and I'm scared because of it. I feel in ruins. Sorry God
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lilililililah · 1 year
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if any of u gyns have advice for managing ocd please let me know 🙏 mine is getting really bad again and i am struggling
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lilililililah · 1 year
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Look I love my friends, but One Of Them Gets On My Nerves so bad. I'm a naturally antagonistic person, it's my love language etc etc so I'll be very flippant and laugh and such at my friends but I love them deeply and would do anything for them. I would never laugh at something genuinely upsetting and am very firm about positive affirmations, it's a bit like an older sibling relationship. And they KEEP nagging at it in the worst way!!! I would 100% stop if my friends found it actually uncomfortable and sometimes do check in with them if I think they are feeling off with my comments, but I asked and they are not that. They are equating me being actually, righteously mad with being mad over "stupid things" which is my play-nagging. Those stupid things? Them believing it's FULLY fine to play the nazi Harry Potter game. I explained this shit to them!!! I explained why it was bad!! The friend I got mad at said they deleted and returned it after doing research, but this person won't stop. I swear to God if they equate it again I'm either going off on them or ending the friendship.
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lilililililah · 1 year
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Can I say the amount of panic that is filling me at the fact the one dude who bullied me from ms is literally IN my gym class rn
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lilililililah · 1 year
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finally time for the essential listening of autumn
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lilililililah · 2 years
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When I was in sixth grade to eighth, I firmly remember thinking this to myself, many times: when I grow up I'm going to be a druggie on the streets. I won't make it to twenty-one.
I firmly believed I would be a washed up addict, because my severely damaged mental health would lead me down that path. And now I'm 17, and when I see my medication cabinet I don't scan for my parents pills and look at the descriptions to figure out how many I could take to kill me, and how many I would need to permanently destroy organs. My first thoughts are keeping my friends and family around me. And I wish I could go back and cradle the me that thought these things in my arms and tell them, you will turn out better. You will become greater than you are, and you will feel like you, like normal, like some kind of human.
I wish I could go back, and I can't, but I'm also grateful for that, because sometimes I think: I am not enough. And all the time, I realize, I am not strong enough to go back and hold that smaller, sadder me, because I do not need to be strong enough, anymore. She was strong enough so I didn't have to be.
And I'm grateful.
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lilililililah · 2 years
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I'm feeling suicidal again
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lilililililah · 3 years
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Self harm streak, broken. I want to hurt, so so bad, in a way that's not emotional. The sting on my arms isn't enough right now
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lilililililah · 3 years
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Please put out a prayer for the man up my street. He's having his house foreclosed on. I don't know him well, and I'm personally scared of him, but he's lived there for years and his life has taken a rough turn. Pray for this finding it's place, and pray to give him peace during this time. Thank you
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lilililililah · 3 years
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Me: doesn't learn work ethic as a child due to my gift at reading and math, one of which fades over time
My mother: expects me to learn how to A. Have a work ethic. B. Do chores. C. Attempt to do Stuff. When she has never once attempted to teach me, despite my pleading since the age of nine. Does not check the semester grades, of which she has access to, to keep me on track. Doesn't go to my parent teacher conferences. Refuses all plans I attempt to make to address my lack of work ethic and low understanding of subjects like chemistry and math.
Me, now a highschooler doing my best to build up a work ethic unguided: *failing chemistry and math, doing my best to work my grades back up unguided*
My mother, who has not checked in with me for the past six months: fuck u I'm holding you back a grade
I am just. Bitch. You can't threaten me any more, I caught onto your manipulation three years ago. Damn whore it isn't like I'm doing my best here trying to find a path in Life with an emotionally and mentally abusive/negligent mother fucking hell
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lilililililah · 3 years
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guys its a wonderful life was literally such an anticapitalist masterpiece that the FBI claimed it was communist propaganda and under investigation they found the movie “deliberately maligned the upper class, attempting to show the people who had money were mean and despicable characters.“ 
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lilililililah · 3 years
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My suicidal urge calender just reset. 0 days since I tried to choke myself out.
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lilililililah · 3 years
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Flashback to when my mom told me, a fifth grader, that my twenty year old chess teacher "liked me" in a tone that suggested a romantic relationship. I was ten. I think that was the beginning of my aversion to adult male figures, and the beginning of my intrusive thoughts.
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lilililililah · 3 years
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today we are remembering that time my mom said she wished she had aborted me. That time that was unprompted, about a huge trauma I had with my teeth that she knew about: your teeth are too big. That time when my mom told me that 'theatre just wasn't for me' when I've been doing it for all my life. That my accomplishments meant nothing. That I'm nothing. That I deserved everything I got in middle school, when I was nearly bullied to death. That moment when she totally laughed off my suicidal outburst. That's what we're remembering. And it fucking sucks that of all things, of all the moments my memory could've faded, it wasn't those.
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lilililililah · 3 years
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Bad day for my overactive mind everyone, nearly had an anxiety? attack over being near people
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