letitrainathousandflames

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They’re so sibling coded and I miss them and I love them and and *devolves into incoherent crying*

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most of the talk on this website about Game Changer is how Sam Reich psychologically tortures his contestants, but I want to make it clear to the uninitiated that he's actually extremely ethical about it

He sends out a company wide email and asks them to choose episodes based on a chili pepper rating system

meaning he doesn't put 🌶️🌶️ people into 🌶️🌶️🌶️🌶️🌶️ episodes

they're also big on consent ie cast and crew have to be okay with it before they'll do nudity or something like that in an episode

it's like the bdsm of psychological torture. safe, sane, and consensual.

the contestants know what they're getting into, and they're full down

#dont you mean enreichement

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bass makes a dollar. i make a dime. that's why i think about lesbian sex on company time

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#i fucking hate the taste of chicken id literally rather have a cum sandwich insted #lemon/

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little rex wip for last line challenge from @ominouspuff 🌟 thank you for the tag cousin

i’ve barely had any time for art outside of merch work / summer cons so here’s a rex i use to cool down when i regret how much i signed on for

tagging back bros (absolutely no pressure) @soularsss @battlekilt @cocotter @luoiae @razzbberry @kelstares

rule: in a new post, show the last line you wrote (or drew) and tag as many people as there are words (or as many as you feel like). 

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#2008 #...i think

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“you should be at the club” Brother I should literally be sent to the seaside for my health

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It may have been inscrutable to you but once we began to scrute it it was very quickly scrote

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Elwes, asked which role he has enjoyed the most, said he enjoys them all and that’s why he does them.“But I have to say the one that is probably going to stay with me for the rest of my life is ‘The Princess Bride.’ It will say ‘as you wish’ on my tombstone. Billy Crystal said the other side of the tombstone should say ‘mostly dead.’ ”

CARY ELWES as Westley in The Princess Bride (1987) 

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The Panama Canal

#A SHIP ELEVATOR!!!

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Speaking of therapy, I say, as though we're old friends, and you're not a stranger trapped in this metaphorical elevator with me and you can hear the suspension wires starting to fray.

I've been doing a lot of work recently that's focused on imposter syndrome and the feeling that no matter how well or how much I do, I'm not good enough. That I'm somehow tricking everyone into thinking my work is actually good.

Some days it's a minor niggle in my head that I can gentle and soothe with logic and affirmations. Or smother, depending on the mood. Other times it's loud and all-consuming and the mental anguish it causes me is so real I can feel it twitching in my muscles. This desperate fight-or-flight instinct with nowhere to go and nothing to fight but myself.

Anyway, because I'm several types of Mentally Unwell™, I was switching between workshop sheets ahead of next week. Filling in different forms. (Trying to get a good grade in therapy) And I got my "recognize your harmful ADHD coping mechanisms" worksheet mixed in with the "you're not actually lying to people, you just feel like you are because your brain is full of weasels" worksheet, and seeing them side by side made something go topsy turvy in my head, and I just had to sit and breathe for a couple of minutes until the urge to scream passed. Because it clicked, it all suddenly clicked.

The reason the imposter syndrome workshops and therapy sessions aren't sticking was because I do routinely trick people into thinking I'm someone I'm not.

Because I'm masking my ADHD for their convenience.

I've always known there was something wrong with me. My neurotypical peers made it abundantly clear I didn't fit in or was failing in some way I couldn't see nor remedy, no matter how hard I tried.

So I compressed myself into a workaholic box of hyper-competence in the hopes they'd stop noticing the flaws and exploit like me instead. And then subsequently lived with the daily fear that if they looked too close, they'd realize I'm a monumental fuck up with enough personal baggage to block the Suez Canal.

If you ever need someone to burn themselves to ashes for your comfort and convenience, I'm your gal.

Or I used to. Until I had a bit of a breakdown, and the rubber band holding my brain together snapped and pinged off into the stratosphere, never to be seen again.

Unfortunately, the trauma of living like that didn't also fuck off and instead left a gaping maw where my personality ought to be, so now I get to deal with that aftermath.

And it's that aftermath that's affecting the imposter syndrome shit. Because yes, I am hyper-competent and good at what I do-- but it doesn't feel real because that is how I mask.

And the truly frustrating thing is I am good at what I do. I am not pretending. I worked hard to be good at this. It just feels like I'm dicking around because 90% of my personality turns out to be trauma masquerading as humor in a trenchcoat, and having people genuinely like something weird I'm doing is so foreign my brain has decided it's just another form of masking.

I'm pretending to be a good author so people will think I'm a good author, and my brain thinks we are in Danger of being found out. We are in Danger, and writing is Dangerous because then people will know I'm Weird and not whatever palatable version I've presented myself as for their NT sensibilities.

Like the neurotic vampire with a raging praise kink wasn't an obvious giveaway.

Anyway. I got nothing else. Thanks for listening.

I'm going to go be very normal in another room and not stare into the abyss of my own soul for a bit.

#posts to reread and reread #save #adhd #i need to curl up in a ball and cry for the next 50 minutes brb

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#im not immune to big buff creature plowing me sloppy style

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fun fact: Boston Museum of Science calls their evening lecture series “SubSpace”, which would be a totally innocuous math term except for the fact that, to make sure you know these lectures are higher-level and not aimed at their usual audience (kids), they chose to subtitle it “SubSpace: Adult Experiences”

😶

#mood #lemon/

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I hate bitches who judge a stranger's morality based on their looks so much it's unreal

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#yes yessss #animal cruelty m/

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