leaflovescloud

[leaflovescloud]

Hello, April.

I can't believe that we are entering Q2 already. Time indeed flies.

I'm currently in BB, KD. It's a Sunday and yeah of course I'm working. But it's been a really chill week for Eid. And I managed to workout almost like everyday.

It feels weird that my life is not so occupied with work anymore. Instead, I have much more free time to do things that I like, or even spending time with my friends. I'm indeed grateful for that.

But at the same time, I'm also feeling anxious and lost as to my career progression. So my G11 is not progressing at all and that really worries me.

Clearly, I need to do something.

Is it true that I can't have everything at once? Hmm.

Anyway, other than career progression, I don't have anything to complain about. I mean, I'm truthfully happy, I guess. At least, I feel more attune to my inner self now.

Speaking of that, I've been acting very impulsively, doing things that I'd normally overthink a lot - piercing(s) [emphasis added].

So, in the span of 2 weeks, not only I got a piercing, but I got 4 piercings LOL. Tel me that's not impulsive.

So I got double helix, one ear lobe piercing and also a nostril piercing. That's actually very insane to me. But I'm just feeling empowered at this point as in I don't want to run away from my fear anymore. Instead, I want to honour what I truly want to do and really just do it and trust the moment.

And the fact is that I really do feel good about it. And I'm glad that I managed to empower people around me to do the same too. I hope empower is the right word, or rather, may be enabling them to do it, haha.

Speaking of that, i just want to highlight something. I think back then, I spent too much time overthinking and just worrying about things, that haven't even happened, and gradually I got consumed by the ideas and the fear that I created for myself, and that's what stopping me to achieve things.

I realized this traits about me because of K, of course. I mean, in life, I still need to be careful, be thoughtful, be thorough and logical. But sometimes, there are certain things that I can truly just listen to my heart and just do it. And I like that about myself.

Because of that, I feel powerful and I feel I'm ready to execute challenges.

Learning how to detach from the expectations is also very important. Often times, I find myself being upset when things are not going my way. For instance, I think I may be a bit affected or resentful when K didn't really "deliver" what he said he would, for instance, promise ring and bracelet. Or at least, I feel like he represented that he would get those for me?

And what I would do last time is probably keep on prompting him, and i think eventually he will buy it. But right now, I'm actually nonchalant about it, just because, I don't know, considering the circumstances, honestly I don't know I'm asking for gifts in what capacity. I'm not so sure about the role that I'm playing - Is it just someone that he is seeing right now and that's it?

And truthfully, I think the gifts will be more meaningful if it's comes from him without me prompting him. I would definitely appreciate that more. But aha, I don't think he is romantic kinda guy, in fact, I think he is quite practical.

And once again, I ask myself this - At this age and stage, I think I'm quite enlightened in terms of life lessons, and I think I like this version of myself, mature though still playful. And I feel like I'm ready to love and be a good partner. But I'm also kinda scared that I'm compromising my own needs and standards at the same time.

I think I'm just gonna give us a bit more time probably until June. I do hope that we can build a future together and support each other. But I really don't know if he is the right guy.

There are just a few things that are quite alarming and I really don't want to down play the significance of it - (i) 15 years older (ii) divorced (iii) with kid. This is something that I have never encountered before. I don't exactly think it came as a shock for me - because truly after all these things, what else could shock me?

And I appreciate the qualities in him, and how he is aspired to be a good father too. And I have no issue with that.

It's just we won't be like the couple going through the conventional path - For eg, being alone in the weekends....

I don't know if I should be involved in a relationship that has so many uncertainties.

I want a partner that I can grow together, and do things together.

Hmm.

[leaflovescloud]

Hello there, I'm now at Antipodean, Gurney Central. What a hot day. I can't believe that they are relying on just fan here. I mean outdoor concept is great, but may be not in Penang lol.

Anyway, I plan to do a bit of work today. But before that, I also just wanted to update a lil bit of my life recently.

So following my last update, Jackie visited me, for a good 2 weeks. Time flies. I remembered I was counting down the day that he would be going back, and there we go - He's gone now.

I think, It's truly crazy of how both of us are still fundamentally the same. Of course, we each have been through hella significant life events. We have both matured (though I feel I matured more haha).

And the question pops - Whether we try again?

And the answer is - No. It's a mutual decision.

I think I'm at this age where I don't listen to my heart anymore. But instead, there is a lot of logical factors that I take into considerations. Honestly, I don't quite this version of myself. I like the impromptu, spontaneous me. But well, I guess this is what happened when you grow a bit older.

But as much as I want to say, it was a conscious mature decision after taking into account the circumstances - I figured, if I truly love him, why can't I make it happen? Is it because I don't love him enough, or has it always been the case? I don't know.

And recently, my tik tok feed is full of Avoidant attachment kinda post - Which reaffirms a lot of who I am as a person. I find it very scary.

It was the physical insecurity I guess - Otherwise, I would really like to be a wholesome girl, just like what everyone envisioned me to be.

I'm born different, and this is something that can't be changed.

Sometimes, I would rather be single, without any guys / chasers. I feel that way I feel equally contented as well. And I think 2023 has been a year like that. Whatever butterflies, I just push away. To the extent that i didnt care about my appearance, and didnt know if I m attractive or not anymore.

This January, or rather after Lombok, was the first time that i picked up myself after so long. Finally put in some effort to dress up and look presentable. Of course, got a lot of stares.

But still, I wish I'm just like a normal girl.

Maybe everything happens for a reason.

Maybe the Universe wants me to be extra strong. Idk.

W

[leaflovescloud]

Hello there

I think it's pretty impressive that I've been maintaining this safe space for me since 2019? Or even way before. Looking back at some of the entries that I have written, it definitely brings back memories.

Recently, something happened. Something that I never would have imagined - J e-mailed me, out of the blue and out of no where. Just, telling me that he missed me.

What in the world?

I was perplexed, out of words, feeling kinda hot flashed.

Isn't it what I've been longing for?

Honestly, when it comes to relationship - As much as I do think about it occassionaly, I've never actually thought about it. Perhaps, I feel like I'm not actively looking for one at the moment yet, or may be I just feel that there are too many things that I need to work on, or may be I just feel like I want to work on my career at the moment.

And this, happened. We are so far apart, last spoken was about 3 years ago. We each had different life, we each had dated different people. And 3 years ago, we reconnect with each other again. More crazily, he is also coming to visit me in Malaysia in January. Come on, are you serious?

It's like it came so fast, right?

As much as I feel this is something worth celebrating, and I think people who heard about this will not be able to stop romanticizing it, cos it literally feels like it's something out of the movie. But there is also this fear that I'm feeling within me, that would open up a can of worms, the insecurities that I have for myself.

I have no idea why, of all times, this chose to be happening right now. Everything happens for a reason? Right?

What does the universe trying to tell me?

I always tell people that, I truly regretted in how I behaved in my previous relationship with him. I always said that I truly let someone really good go. I am always in a grief / remorse some sort.

And now, this happened.

May be I should just be fearless, and take it. Cross the bridge as it comes.

May be it's the right thing to do.

Apart from this, starting from May / June, I have been preaching for my G11 project. Of course, throughout the way, I was stuck between conflicting agendas by different functions, and it was so hard for me to proceed. At one point, I was even disheartened that this may not be a project anymore.

And now, it has become the reality.

What I preached has become the reality. I think may be I should be proud of my actions, how consistent and persistent I was. May be this is something that I should be really proud of myself.

I think moving forward, I must stop belitting myself and confining myself in such a limited belief. I must believe that I am able to do more, and I should push myself for it.

I want you to feel good about yourself, Winnie. You deserve everything best.

On a side note, I'm also very excited of my upcoming trip to lombok. Let's go! =)

[leaflovescloud]

Hello, hello

Again, it's been awhile. I'm current at Spita, alone. Sometimes I wonder, why could I just hangout alone all the time LOL. Like, I'm so good with just myself.

I went for a massage this afternoon. Well, it's pretty good, like RM78 well spent. It's 60 mins + 15 mins. So I thought it's quite a steal.

I then went to have F2F noodles, my all time favourite. It tastes so simple, but fantastic, just like home-cooked food. I'm grateful for that. Later, I went to TG mall to work on my G11 project.

Honestly, this is another thing that really stressing me out. Like why can't this go my way LOL, why do I have to fight for it so badly? Should I just keep believing that good things will happen to me? I don't know. But I will do what I can now.

I also want to spend my night here in Spita to do some self cleansing. Of course, I also want to drink haha. Been feeling so stressful lately, and I seem to have relied on alcohol a lil bit too much. But nothing too excessively. Like I just want to have one or two drinks to relieve the accumulated stress.

I also bought a pain au chocolat. I really do hope I got the opportunity to learn some foreign language, I do think I have some talent over there.

Life lately, hmm, basically, been so hectic. I can only hope that good things will happen.

I guess despite the current circumstances, Im grateful that, I have the capacity to cope the way im coping now.

I also quite like my new therapist.

WC

[leaflovescloud]

Hello there

Currently, I’m at Caveman Cafe @ TGM. It’s my first time here. Well I really don’t want to have the 2nd cup of coffee today, but well, I want to force myself to be productive, even though I really don’t want to as well. I think I just feel burnt out? But weirdly, I don’t think I do that much or work that much as well. Isn’t it strange? 

Anyway, I just went for a massage, I just felt I needed it. Then I had korean food. It’s already such a blessing that I manage to do both of these. And yes I’m really thankful for that. 

Before I get some work done, I really just wanna ventilate some of my thoughts here. I don’t know, I feel anxious and basically, unhappy? But that wouldnt be accurate. Like I’m not happy nor I’m unhappy. It’s just indifferent with a lot of anxiety. It’s so shitty to feel that there’s something wrong with me. 

Career wise, ok, I think I’ve got the recognition that I crave for. But, I think I have so much to say. First, I’m worried that I bite more that I can chew. You know like how you oversell something and ended up over killing it? I’m terribly afraid of that. Second, I hate changes. I didn’t know I’ve been in my comfort zone until B asked me if I could take up KSA and have HR to take over CHG. 

I notice how I’m so ...attached to my GU and that’s something really strange, to the extent that I didn’t want to switch GU if possible. Unfortunately, I don’t think I can escape that at the moment. I think I’m still trying to learn how to deal with it. I think it’s because it’s not easy to find people whom I’m aligned with, where the working chemistry is fantastic. And at the end of the day, you are on the same page with them and want to get things done. 

So, that’s the short term picture. What I fail to see, is the longer term one. 

Do I want to stay in CHG forever? And it’s true that the exposure in CHG alone will not be suffice for me to be recognized at a higher level. So I guess, I really have to swallow it, and be tougher this time. I can only hope that KSA is not that bad and I won’t be destroyed. Hang in there you got it. 

Also I’m really sleepy right now for some reasons. 

Speaking about parents, they were both here last weekend. We went to genting together. And before that, I was also having the biggest anxiety in my life. So worried that bad things will happen. And I just couldnt be more thankful that everything went well. And it’s a trip that I too thoroughly enjoyed. Again, as I always said, I can only pray for goodness to be continued. 

Winnie, I really really want you to be tough and strong. To overcome all these. I need strength, like a lot of em. 

I want to brush up on my technical and legal skills as well. 

Do you think i have the urge to be irreplaceable? May be right... 

[leaflovescloud]

Hello

It’s insane how time flies, and it’s definitely been awhile since the last time I checked in here. I’ve been relying on a physical journal instead, carry it with me whenever possible, and it’s slowly becoming one of my habits. 

Today, is unfortunately one of those days where I really want to be in a dark room and cry & scream the shit out of me. I want to scream so loud till I couldn’t hear myself, I want to throw things around, I want to break things, I want to be out of control. 

Today is also the day that I’m not the “nice” girl, I feel like I’m impatient, a little mean even. I am short on my temper, easily annoyed and yeah, things don’t feel like they are within my control.

And here I’m in Spita, gonna sit on my cranberry vodka, I just feel like, I need a drink. As much as I don’t want to rely on alcohol to numb my nerves and mind, I decided to do it today. I just feel like I’d really feel like shit if I decided to go back just now. So I hope I make the right decision. 

My mind is so messy, I feel like things are out of my control, I’m dealing with very very severe body image issue, BED, anxiety, mild depression. And with each circumstance hitting me like a rock thrown to me, I feel like I’m slowly resorting to what the old Winnie would do, and just got consumed by the inner voice that I hear. 

And it really does make me ponder - Why is living ..so hard? 

And as soon as I say this, I feel very entitled and ungrateful. That’s why I feel conflicted. Like I want to be that nice girl, but I’m not so nice anymore. 

It’s a very terrible feeling. 

Oh wait, I instantly feel better now after my cranberry vodka. Yums. 

I feel like I’m living in guilt. 

Like there are so much pent up feeling just slowly encroaching my sacred territory. Maybe I feel like there are so many things that I want to do, but it’s not within my capacity, or it is within my capacity but I choose not to do because I’m selfish... 

Guilt, is a scary thing. Very very scary. 

let’s list out first, what makes me feel really bad.

- not being there with Mum; 

- not being able to contribute to NKF; 

- nightmare of my sister leaving me; 

- snippets of my accident scenes flashing back during massage session; 

- not financially independent, like i really have to worry a lot... 

- me, being a very imperfect person, so imperfect that, it makes me feel almost impossible to be loved... 

Funny thing is, despite the above, I’m still trying to be that person for others, I want people to rely on me whenever they’re stuck in their own viscious cycle. Because I was in there and I know how dark and lonely it is, I want to provide comfort, I want to provide a safe space, but in so doing, I really wish I have someone that I can count on, I really wish I have a safe space to ventilate too. But I’m still dealing with expressiveness, the only space that I feel comfortable in - is journal (whether it’s digital and physical). Because this is really a space where, there won’t be any reply, any suggestions, any feedback... But a space for you to shit it out, and it will be there to listen, quietly. It has its pros & cons of course.  

But also I think I have too much of a hard time to try trusting a person. I think deep inside I don’t believe that anyone could be there for me. 

Honestly, I’m really at the verge of collapsing. LOL 

I think being vulnerable is really a very hard thing to do, being vulnerable with yourself, with your feelings, and it’s really during those times that I feel the weakest. So weak that I could easily be blown away (no pun intended). 

Plus, my health is also what really concerns me. I’m very that I may have PCOS... It’s insane. And I’m so afraid to get it checked. But I really should. Next thing that worries me - if I got PCOS, can I afford the medical expenses... 

That’s why things like this really make me hate myself a lot. 

I’m not earning enough. Am I too greedy to want more? 

WC 

[leaflovescloud]

Dear Universe, 

How are you? It seems like it’s been awhile since the last time we had a conversation. 

It’s been a minute. 

My mind is like a messy pot right now, and something just keep stirring and stirring. 

You know since March, I thought I was at a really good place. You know, positive energy, positive people and positive vibes. For the first time I thought I got my shit together, like I regained full control of my life. I was living the life that I manifested (even not in a luxurious sense). But I was contented, I was really happy and I was glowing. 

Then recently, I would say probably late June, something is off - not sure why is that. But for sure I’ve been feeling a little bit meh lately, and really low energy. I feel like I’m losing control again. 

Mum got diagnosed with CKD - stage 5. It’s the most severe stage of all. That would explained her high blood pressure, dizziness and weight loss. I never see it coming. Honestly, I’ve been focusing so much on rebuilding myself and I realize I didn't put much effort on my parents. 

I’m now about 27 years - that means 27 years have passed in them as well. They devoted their 27 years in raising me, providing for me. 

And it’s so scary that - It’s only when I’m at the verge of losing them, I’ve been seeing multiple flashbacks of the memories we had when I was young. The things that we used to do, when we were still poor... 

Dear Universe, sometimes I do question - why do things happen to me? Why am I the chosen one to brave through the storms? Why not the others? Why do I have to constantly be strong for myself? 

Life is unfair? 

It’s us the selected one have to put on the “special lens” where we have to view things in a more positive manner, because if we don’t, we will be miserable. But why are we being chosen to be miserable at the first place. Is it true that everything happens for a reason? Really? 

I’m so scared that everything in my life is about to fall apart. Something that I spend some time and effort to rebuild. My biggest fear will be fear of losing. Really. 

But I think what Chery mentioned few weeks ago makes a lot of sense. 

I can build the life that I want anytime, but there’s just this much time left to spend with my parents. I wouldn’t be who I am today if not for them, they brought me to life, and they provided for me. 

Looking at my household situation, it’s quite a blessing that I’m able to live my current life actually. I get to attend university and graduate. Got a decent job for now and have travelled to multiple countries. 

Carry your own weather - learned about this quote recently during 7 habits workshop. May be everything does happen for a reason. 

This time, not only I have to be strong for myself but I have to be strong for Mum as well. It’s really tough but I know I can do it. 

Because it’s something that I can’t change at all. But I do have control of how things gonna navigate from thereon. Let’s make the most out of it. I know you can do it, girl. You got this. 

Dear Universe, I really need your help in this. There’s only this much that I can do, I really need your help. I need all the courage to brave through this storm. and I can’t do it alone. 

I’m manifesting. I’m manifesting goodness to come. I’m manifesting abundance. I’m manifesting good health for both of my parents, my sister and myself of course. 

I will keep manifesting. 

Love, Winnie 

[leaflovescloud]

Morning

Morning, hun. 

I guess wanna do a random update here :)

In term of mental health, I think I’m heading to a right direction. Been manifesting good intentions, surrounding myself with good people, good vibes and good energy. I’ve been feeling quite happy and relieved. 

It’s just last night when I re-read our conversations, I almost couldn’t believe it happened? Like our relationship state at the time was really deteriorating to its ultimate core. It was so so so scary. It was full of toxicity. I was losing my self identity, there was no dignity within me. I was drowned in this so called love that I told myself, and have allowed myself to be destructed, therefore causing more pains for both of us. 

Maybe he’s right, my mind was already so warped at the time. But I know it wasn’t me, it wasn’t caused by me, it was really caused by a series of events, it was long accumulated, therefore I had a really really negative mindsets - that’s not not not me at all. 

Sometimes I’m kinda angry at myself - Why does it take so long for me to understand that he is not the right guy for me? Being with him was consuming my energy and I was turning into the Winnie that I have no idea who the hell she is. Why did I try so hard when knowing perfectly well that it won’t work at the end of the day. Well, for this, I guess I’ve to give it to both of us, no matter what, I know he did try to make things work too. But he and I both, I think we’re like two same side of magnetic pole, like the closer we’re being put together, the further we would repel from each other. 

Revisiting our conversations really feels like a nightmare. and I had one after that. I think I just hope I can forgive myself for being such a toxic person. 

Anyway, I also got another tattoo. I’m kinda happy whenever I explained my tattoos to people, they seemed to be perfectly delighted by the meanings behind it. Cos well, I mean I really did put in some thoughts in refining the designs etc. So I’m kinda happy for that :p

Been hanging out with a lot of people recently, of course, really nice people, good energy as well. I think I’ve slowly accepted that, I’m not lonely, and perhaps very soon, I don’t need to fill up my weekend by hanging out with different people. Cos I think I’ll be fine being with myself, and myself only. But through hanging out with them, I really also learned a lot about myself, and how I am as a person in front of my friends. I really just wanna do better. Be a better friend, and be there for them when needed. I don’t think I get to do that when I’m taken? Like I will have my priority at the time? So just wanna take this time to do whatever I could. 

Was hanging out with Chery for about half of the day yesterday. It was tiring but also so much fun. I think we’re actually vibin’. It’s really nice to have a good gurlfren sort of? 

As to J, lol, I’m very conflicted. I feel like I like him more as a friend, like a nice friend to hang out with, but may be not so much on a romantic sense? But we almost slept together. Almost because, I think after a while he fell asleep cos he was so buzzed LOL. Sometimes I hate myself for allowing this to happen. I don’t wanna change the dynamic between us actually. I don’t exactly think he’s my type. But I told myself maybe I should try something different? I don’t know lol. He seems like a really nice person, but we’ll see. 

Hung out with hy the other day, and he told me that I’m a cat person (not in a traditional sense). Anyway, he is really a man full of wisdom lol if you asked me. 

Dear Winnie, please be strong. Please understand that unpleasant things have happened in the past, and that you’ve turned into a person that you despise so much. But now, everything’s over. You won’t have to subject yourself in that endless loop of despair, fear and disappointments anymore. This time, it’s really your time to shine, to rejuvenated, to regenerate and to be alive. Take this time to properly priortise yourself and be a better person. With that, like attracts like, and you’ll eventually meet someone who is able to love you the way you wanted to be love, and vice versa. 

WC 

[leaflovescloud]

I’m just feeling so good now. I’m slowly regaining back the power and control. And I want to do my best self. Manifesting it :）

And I want to spread this positivity to people around me as well. 

Let’s do this. You go gurl :)  

WC 

[leaflovescloud]

Hello Hello

Well I’m here not because I’m sad or anything. 

But I just want to check in here. 

I think things have been great. I’ve been healing quite well I suppose? 

I’m just thanking the Universe. For everything that has happened. 

Even though I constantly doubt the fact that - if we’re not gonna be together with each other, then why was our love got rekindled again? 

But may be everything does happen for a reason. Maybe the Universe wants me to experience the feeling of getting cheated? So that I’ll be stronger moving forward? 

Well last weekend, I hung out with Qha. Well, with him, it’s not like I likeeeee him or anything? But maybe like what he said, it’s nice to have someone to share some banters or something. And also I think I’m super funny when I’m with him lol. I like to annoy the hell outta him. Then I dropped him home. And obviously he wanted more and ofc I wasn’t prepared to sleep with him. Then things got a bit awks. But I still gave him a BJ anyway cos I think I’m just such a people pleaser. I can’t stand being in the awks atmosphere. 

And he told me at the time when I didn’t want to sleep with him. He felt sexuallly frustrated. And I was just a bit turned off. Like got turned off ultimately. Just thought may be we should stop hanging out? But when I tried to cut things off, feelings still lingering a lil bit LOL. But I don’t think I actually like him that much tbh. 

As for J, we went for spinning class this tuesday together. Honestly, eveyrhting was great. except that I think he is a lil talkative LOL. but i like that I feel a bit pampered when I’m with him? like he takes care of me? he is not my type usually. But I’m actually afraid that I may fall for him LOL. 

At the moment, I just want to fully focus on myself, which I’m doing atm. 

Btw, I had a staycation last Sat and it was such a breakthrough. I will 100% do it again. That reminds me of how I’m so comfortable being with myself. 

The thought, the reliance on needing somebody else, and the loneliness is really all in my head. 

I always believe in what I believe. I gotta recondition the inner environment within me so as to attract positive energy. 

At this rate, I just want to eliminate everything that doesnt resonate with me anymore, doesnt align with me anymore. 

And that is that. :) 

WC 

[leaflovescloud]

Hey

Just finished with my therapy. I just felt very weak. 

I told Nat about our fall out...how we hurt each other. 

I also felt relief, that I’m accepting the truth. 

I’ll be okay... 

WC 

[leaflovescloud]

Just checking in

Hello hello. Just wanna write something here before I start working. 

Got a 7am meeting scare this morning. Woke up at 7:04am only to find out that it’s actually tmrw. LOL. 

I met with Kenny the other night, I was seeking his advice. And I think, his mindset is the same as Chris. Like the lust will be there no matter what. Human is bound to cheat. So long as it is done and hidden well, then he’s no issue with it. But of course, if he realized his wife cheated, it’d be really hard on him as well. The main point is - Don’t restrict each other so much, but to think about the bigger picture. Be as transparent as possible, but if shit happens, make sure the other party doesn’t find out, because it’s hard to swallow. 

I get what he means. The most you try to restrict a beast, that is almost akin to suppressing one’s true self. And I think at this rate, no matter how hard I try, this is the value that runs contrary to what I believe. Nonetheless, I think moving forward, I’ll have a better understanding for this, and may be more accepting. 

But anyway, that’s shouldnt be my direction I suppose. If I met someone with similar values as me, then perhaps things won’t be so difficult. 

On a lighter note, I realize Qha has been texting me more regularly lately. He’s really something. He’s not a texter, I know. It’s just some random texts out of no where that indicated he’s thinking about me, I thought it’s kinda cute. But after all, what card or even game he is playing, I really don’t know LOL. I just want to keep an open mind and see where it leads us. 

On Saturday, my parents came. As usual, I was the driver, just driving them around. And we had a wedding to attend at night. I didn’t plan to continue partying after that, but I was like - I’m not driving why not right. Then I met with Johan and his friends, we partied till 5:30am or something LOL. I don’t know it’s the alcohol or what not, but I thought he’s really nice. Like, he likes to party, but I don’t feel insecure about it. We made out for a bit, and it feels really refreshing. But after that, when I thought about Qha, I felt conflicted. LOL. Is it normal to have feelings for multiple people at the same time? But I know for sure, both of them are of different species FOR SURE. 

But again, may be both of them are players LOL. Well, let’s see let’s see. I will be having my therapy session tmrw. I don’t know what to tell my therapist. But hopefully my mindset could be restructured again to have a better head space. 

WC 

[leaflovescloud]

Hello

Just checking in.

I know when I’m relying this safe space a lot, it means that something is not quite right in my headspace. 

I went out with my ex-boss yesterday. To Luce & Vertigo. Well, I’m thinking may be Luce is a lil overrated. But Vertigo is really nice. Good vibes. 

And he found out that he is one of the root causes as to why Chris & I didn’t work out. Surprise that all these while he didn’t know, but of course, we never talked about it. He felt very sorry. And later on he confessed, he does really like and love me. And I told him - it’s morally wrong, especially when he is a married man with 2 kids. I wouldn’t say I’m shocked, but I think I’m also shocked lol. Things that I thought were normal, platonic have somehow always turned the other way round. Is it me? Have I been giving out wrong signal and leading people on? May be I do. 

One thing though. May be it’s true that I like attention and I like being pampered. May be whilst I’m enjoying this kind of attention, I’ve also inevitably giving out wrong signals. Something to take note. 

Chery told me that she saw Chris is back to dating apps. I’m not bummed or mad about it. I guess just pure sadness. Even though I downloaded it as well but i hardly even use it, because the emptiness within me is just too overwhelming. Sometimes I wish I could just resort to casual sex to solve everything. But I know that I couldn’t. Then, I blocked him on every possible platform. Because to me, this is really the end of us. 

I remember when I saw him for the last time, he was cold, and for a second I felt humiliated, I felt like I was stepping on my dignity and self-worth to the max. And he said this, “You’ll be okay” “You should talk to your girls”. These are huge indications that he no longer wants me. May be it does hurt my ego, but well, I just see that as closures. 

My feelings towards him - are a mix of everything, a lot of unresolved rage actually. I love him but may be at the same time, I’m very resentful towards him as well. Too many doubts, too many questions. We’re just different at the end of the day. We can’t love each other the way we wanted to be loved. Especially for now, there’s no trust between us. 

I can only pray that I will be strong and don’t fall into spiral of negative thoughts. I want to be happy, again. And I want to find myself. 

But I also have to make terms with what had happened to me, especially the part that I’ve become someone that I really don’t like. 

May be after all, love is not always being sacrificial. There’re certain boundaries that one shouldn’t compromise. 

Maybe when we first started, he thought by staying with me is a form of love. But actually, if it’s something that’s hurting him so much, he should just leave. Then perhaps, none of these will happen. 

Just imaging him sleeping around, it’s kinda saddening. Like all of the sudden, our love, his love to me means nothing. That also mean, he has been suppressing the inner beast all these while. So does he really love me? 

Dear Universe, 

I’m hoping that you can lead me to a man, a good man, who loves me the way I wanted and that I’m able to love this person the way he wanted. Whereby we both prioritise mutual emotional growth and supporting each other, side by side. Where we’re both fun people but we work really hard as well. We’re both free spirited and we’re best friends. 

WC 

[leaflovescloud]

This time shall pass?

Hi Universe, 

I remember asking you vehemently for a sign sometime last week? 

What do you want to tell me in relation to my relationship with Chris? 

And I guess, it’s happening. 

We’re no longer together, everything back to square one. 

I’m just thinking, if at all, anyone has been following my relationship story, they would be so so so fed up. Cos it’s always like, being together, broke up, being together & broke up again. When will I ever be able to find someone, who truly loves me? 

Well it’s freaking hard for me now, cos I’ve always really loved him. I don’t know how long will I need to recover again. But well, at least, I wanna forget the bad things that happened between us, and really, to have a fresh start - Just like my tattoo. 

And how do I recover from it? By dating? Or going to multiple casual sex? 

For me, it’s really a means to an end. It doesn’t fulfill me. 

For Qha, well, oddly, we went out for 3 times. And honestly, he doesn’t possess any of the qualities that I like lol. HAHAHA. But I’m still drawn to him. Just like Desmond, I know there isn’t any future prospects with this guy, but let’s just go with the flow. But wait, Desmond is different, cos he has everything that I’m looking for. 

The other day I met up with my friend, and we talked about Desmond. And she said that, “It seems like Desmond is everything that you want in a relationship.” “Did you hear what’s coming out from your mouth?”. Honestly, I think it may be true. For our brief 3 months together, we were really compatible. But part of me didn’t believe that he would be able to love me for who I truly am, especially knowing that I’m different from the other girls. So I ghosted him. Even though we recently did start talking again, but well, I think sometimes things are better off left as history. 

And, sometimes I ask myself - Does Chris really love me? I don’t have an answer to that. He loves me but he also does things that has jeopardized our relationship. 

Honestly, I don’t think I will even hang out or talk with Qha back then. It’s really just at the back of my mind, I’m just so afraid that he will cheat again. So having Qha makes me feel like maybe I’m worth something.

But that’s the thing. It’s really hard for me to have male friends because when they first know me, they’re always attracted by how I look. Even they want to know me further, it’s always heading to a non-platonic direction.

For Qha, he obviously just want to sleep with me whilst evaluating if there’s any future prospects? He is really touchy and sexual perhaps. Based on my current analysis, he has huge ego and may not know exactly how to handle a conflict. He may not be empathetic enough. If at all, he’s really that kind of person that will just walk away because at the end of the day, he loves himself more. He doesn’t want to invite himself to any form of drama. He likes being himself. He basically lives by his own rule whereby the rules set by the others are not so important. But one thing though, even though we went out for 3 times already, surprisingly it didn’t lead to bed. At least in this sense, I think he’s kinda respectful? I’m not sure about that. 

For Jo, funny how we knew each other in G-string. We started off pretty well, he’s quite funny. Even though he is not usually my type. He invited me to a party later on and that’s how I got CoViD. I thought we were just friends, I actually didn’t know he was interested at me. Then he kissed me on the lips in front of everyone, that’s when I know, hmm, “Maybe he is some how attracted to me?”. But again, funny thing, I went back to his place and smoke up as well, but nothing further transpired. For him, I know he’s not looking for a relationship at the moment. But at least he is consistent and respectful enough. 

A lot of people tell me, there’re more fishes out there especially for me. I get it. But my problem is, there wont’ be anyone else like Chris, someone whom I really love. Chery told me I should find someone that loves me more than I love him, actually Hazel said that too. Cos this time, I really did give my all. Maybe I’m trying to recompensate what I didn’t do enough in my last relationship with Jackie. 

Maybe it’s just a matter of time until i meet someone new again. Maybe I really just need to trust the process. And what’s really important is that - I need to find myself again. I’ve been manifesting negative thoughts lately, and that’s why negative things keep happening. 

I can’t say for sure Chris is 100% good guy. But may be like what his mum said, if 2 persons are meant to be together, no matter what, one day they will find each other again. I will leave that to the Universe. Even though, I’m still very uncertain as to what the Universe is trying to tell me. Why did the Universe brings us back together again just to see we broken up with each other? Why did the Universe allow so many bad things happen..

One thing though, being with Chris, also enable me to be someone that I despise and hate - known as the crazy gf or even violent. This may sound like madness, but we actually hurt each other, physically, 2 weeks ago. We both are left with bruises etc. I guess, this is red flag for both of us. I must address this issue and shouldn’t let it sink. Because if there is a small part of me that will resort to violence to vent out my frustration - this is a huge red flag. 

I love you darling. 

WC 

[leaflovescloud]

Hello there

Well, it’s been awhile huh, since the last time I was here. 

It’s a known fact that, I’m only here when I’m utterly sad, depressed, anxious and have no where to go to, and needing to express it out at the same time. 

Last Saturday was crazy, insane, madness. 

Chris & I basically physically hurt each other. We’re injured. 

Bruises, open wounds, abrasion etc - Madness.

My memories regarding to that night were a little bit hazy. But I do remember the part where he hit me vehemently, around my head area. 

Why would he hit me? He hit me to control me? Would that be a right thing to do? I don’t know. But I’m really scared now. 

Deep down, I already know what the answer is - I just don’t know why I’m still here, keep trying. I don’t know if it’s the love that’s holding us back or otherwise. 

I really don’t know. 

May be I’m just afraid that no one could love me the same way as he does, and no one can accept me for who I truly am. 

Internally, I suffer a lot. That’s why, recently, alcohol triggers that. So much so...

Because as much as everyday I’m trying to be a better “girl friend”, I’m also suppressing my feelings at the same time. It’s really tough...

Relationship is not easy - I get that, okay. But is it meant to be this hard? Honestly, I don’t even see an end to all these. We’re really just torturing each other. Just because we “love” each other. 

But it’s so so so hard for me to let go. May be because this is considered my first “serious” relationship? Or we both are just trauma bonded. 

We’re just so different. Why are we stuck together... 

Dear Universe, am I not doing enough...

I’ve constantly asked for your advise - but the signs are really unclear. 

Can you please please please guide me...

I’m a lost soul... 

[leaflovescloud]

If im not in a cafe now, I’d probably be crying... like non stop

i haven’t been crying a lot. like... i’m just so tired to even cry. 

but my heartbeat is just racing like crazy...

i asked him, are you not afraid of losing me...

and he said, he is - but he won’t let that take over his mind. I think i was like that as well. that’s why no matter what - i trust him completely. and what i’ve got is just despair and sorrow, and pain.... 

im very anxious very very anxious. I’m absolutely stressed. I just wanna cry... 

im insecure 

im going crazy really. 

why must it be like this.

few months ago, I was just started to regain control of my life.

He’s a player... once a player, always a player... yet he always like to say he’s not the villain, when he can do such things to me...LOL... this guy... 

my urge to hurt someone or myself, physically is so overwhelming

i just want to incite violence 

i want chaos

i dont want peace

because being kind ain’t mean nothing

being kind - you can’t survive

why not being a villain 

i have told myself several times to view this world with kindness and compassionate. the world is beautiful irrespective of what. 

but not anymore. 

[leaflovescloud]

Hey

I’m in Penang now. Day 5? 

Been talking to many people regarding to my heartbreak. I do feel a bit better. But I’m still extremely anxious. To a point that, I’m feeling just really suicidal. 

I guess is a culmination of a lot of things. 

Relationship, family etc. 

I’m very anxious and scared. No one could understand me. 

My deepest fear. 

Should infidelity be condoned? 

It’s gonna just keep happening again. 

This CNY, I spend it with rage, resentment towards people around me. Even when I see kids running around, I’ll be so damn frustrated. I feel like they are the worst living creatures ever. 

There are so much hate in me, that I couldn’t even breathe. All I can hear is - I’m not a good person. 

I’m very depressed now. 

No one would understand. I can’t wait for my theraphy session. 

I desperately need help. 

I need to mindful that therapy is not the definite way out. I just need to be freed. 

I still can’t understand... Why... would he cheat.... 

He just didn’t do anything... attempt to do anything that will make everything better.