lavendersdays

[lavendersdays]

i thought i was finally getting better and now it just starts all over

#depression #ed #anorexia #tw

[lavendersdays]

I started unintentionally losing weight again and I don't want it to feel this good. i can't do this again

#ed #anorexia #tw eating things

[lavendersdays]

why am I this insecure? I just got my boyfriend and I'm already so scared that he is sick of me now that he has gotten to know me better. is it all in my head or am i right? am i enough? i don't know what to think anymore. i've had shitty experiences with dating and it's been a while but is it supposed to be like this?

i just want him to like me as much as i do him. he feels right and i don't want to lose him but with the way things are going i'm scared i will no matter what

#relationship #insecurity #feeling insecure #depression #anxiety #overthinking

[lavendersdays]

it's bad when even if you're drunk you won't eat the pizza

[lavendersdays]

I'm getting bad again. I'm getting worse than I ever was. I'm fighting this black hole in me everyday but it just keeps getting bigger. I feel like I'm about to fall into a void and I will never get out of it again.

I can't deal with myself anymore. I don't have the energy for it. i just want to stop existing for a while. i do'nt want to do this anymore. I want it all to stop. everything. the pain. the thoughts. the pressure. i feel so low. This is the worst episode yet and I don't know if I'll get out of it again

#suicide #depression #selfharm #hurt

[lavendersdays]

i doubt i will survive this year

#depression #tw suicice #selfharm #thoughts

[lavendersdays]

I know I'm not special. it just hurts having it proven every single day. I feel so alone. I'm noone's first choice, noone really cares about me. they all just use me to satisfy their needs. i'm nothing. i'm alone. i'm useless. i don't even know if anyone other than my parents would care if i'm dead. or if anyone would notice. i'm never the first choice, i'm never the priority. there is always something or someone more important than me. i'm useless, stupid, replacable. I'm nothing special to anyone. i'm nothing special at all. i'm invisible and noone cares. about anything i do or say or about my feelings. i'm a means to an end for those i'm close to. i'm always trying to be helpful and make people feel better but they still will never like or accept me.

i'm noone. i'd probably be of more use dead. noone would care anyway

#thoughts #depression #depressed #anxiety #ed

[lavendersdays]

I'm so exhausted. not necessarily physically, just in general. I'm so close to off myself. I can't anymore. I'm tired. School has been even more stressful the past weeks, I'm more exhausted every day and I just don't want to fight anymore. I'm in therapy but it's not helping. I've been there almost every week sinse september but I feel worse everyday. I want to die. I can't deal with anything anymore. I'm on the verge of a breakdown at every minor inconvenience and there is so much pressure. I want to end it all. I can't do it anymore. i don't even want to anymore

#thoughts #depression #tw #depressed

[lavendersdays]

you know it's getting bad again when your entire tiktok foryoupage is fill of ed videos

#anorexia #ed #restricting #tw eating things

[lavendersdays]

We had leftover lasagna for lunch today and it was so greasy. I feel so disgusting. I feel like I have been smelling like fast food. I feel disgusting and fat and huge and nauseous and I want to throw up so badly. i have the taste of the grease still in my mouth no matter how often I brush my teeth

We have guests coming over tomorrow and my parents are cooking. my mum wanted me to help her make cheesecake so that's what I did. I wanted to eat some chips before practice hut my mum occupied me so long that i didn't have the time for it and that is good. otherwise I probably would have binged

My father is cooking somethig with meat and it smells so bad that I feel like throwing up. I feel so sick

[lavendersdays]

I started therapy in September and I've seen my shrink almost every week and the only things she knows about me are that i like my friends and family, I'm depressed and I'm perfectionistic. That's it. She doesn't know about my eating disorder, how i break a bit more everytime I'm out with my best friends, how I always feel like I'm a shadow. Although I think she's figuring that one out because we talked about how I wanted to travel in the uture to find a place I feel more at home so we'll see how that goes.

But the thin that is bothering me so much is that I feel like dying most of the time. I hate my body all of the time. I hate myself for eating and when my mum was with me for one appointment and we talked about my childhood my mum was like: "Yeah she never really ate much" so now I feel like I'm contantly overeating when I'm probably not.

Another thing: My dad has been portioning my food lately and he's been giving me a bit more than what I asked for and I always eat it up because I have zero selfcontrol. I don't like that and I hate myself for it and I need to start portioning my food again

#anorexia #ana #depeession #thin #tw eating things

[lavendersdays]

We were supposed to go out today and the only thing i could think about up to this moment is that I will never be liek them. like my friends. they're beautiful in every way possible and i'm here sitting around and wondering why they are friends with me. tehy are all beautiful, skinny, smart, kind, sweet and genuinely nice. they are heathers in every way possible. i'm glad that they are my friends but i sometimes wish i was them because whenever i'm with them noone will even look at me. they will all see them, look at them, talk to them, listen to them while denying my existence. i just want to be seen or heard or at least acknowledged. i just want someone to notice me first and not last. i want someone to hit on me just once and not my friends. i know i don't have boobs or a butt that make me attractive and i'm average in every other way but at keast acknowleding my existence would be nice for once. i'm always the one forgotten about.

i was actually excited to go out today because not all of my friends were going and my chance of getting noticed would have gooten a bit higher but now we're not going because there have been some new cases and my friend decided she wouldn't go so i couldn't go either.

i was looking forward to feeling free again because the past couple days have been so painful and i just wanted to go out once more before i finally give up. i guess that won't happen. I thought maybe tonight would change my mind maybe there was a new reason to live after all but i guess i was wrong. i don't know what to do. 8 just want to go out once more but i don't know when i will have the chance again and if i am still alive then.

I just want to give up. noone would notice. i'm a shadow that is barely ever noticed. i'm the clingy shadow that's always sticking to my beautiful friends. i'm a nothing surrounded by the brightest stars i know. they are all perfect and i'm just me. i'm not talented or skinny or pretty enough. i'm nothing

#depression #eating disorder #lonely #selfharm #suicide thoughts

[lavendersdays]

I feel disgusting. i ate a salad today and a slice of bread and i went shopping and walked 16 200 steps today and burned around 500 kcals and i feel like a failure. i ate 470 cals today and i feel disgusting. i bate this body and how my ribs kinda show but my stomach is still squishy and big. i hate how my legs are yhin but huge at the same time. i hate how i have these rolls between my armpits and my bra and i can't seem to get rod of them. i hate how my collarbones are showing but i still look like a walrus. i hate how my jaw os defined but floppy at the same time and i hate my cheeks. i hate how i can feel my hip bones but can squish my stomach. i hate how fat my hips still look from the front and how clumpy i look. i hate the rolls above my hip bones and how squishy they are. i'm trying to dance every day but i feel so depressed that i can't go out of my room or can't motivate myself to train. i hate how my weight seems to go up although my bones are showing more and more. i hate the way i look

#ana #anorexia #ed thoughts #depression

[lavendersdays]

my driving teacher asked me today if i had ever been to 'Europapark' and i thoight to myself "well fear of heights and anorexia is probably not the best combination to go to an amusement park"

#anorexia #ed #ed thoughts #ana

[lavendersdays]

I need to lose weight so i'm going to set up some rules for myself. i'm sorry if anyone gets triggered by this

• no breakfast, maybe a rice cake or frozen fruits but not over 50 calories

• a warm lunch but the portions have to be moderated and no second dishes. try to avoid eating out or ordering food

• for dinner a salad or a slice of bread or 2-3 breadsticks with hummus but not more

• 1 snack a day. try to avoid snacking on high calorie food

• 750 cals max a day

• no sodas or sweet drinks

• only water, tea and coffee are allowed. no sweetener. almond milk is fine too

• try to exercise as much as possible

• try to restrict carbs

#ed #anorexia #ana #restricting #thin #foodrules

[lavendersdays]

"In madness lies sanity"

-Alan Watts