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kyriekyie · 8 months
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It's been almost a week since I decided to kill myself. The interventions and help are been useful, although I still have these overwhelming emotions every time I think about it. The people who were there who came over for me I'm concerned about every one of them their mental health being of what I just did was distressing for them.. :/ fuck, man.
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kyriekyie · 8 months
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Maybe we’ll be better by August
I heard a fair is coming into town again
I’ll go with my friends
I’ll have fun without you
August is coming
but I don’t want July to end maybe then
I’ll have forgotten how your voice sounds and have deleted every photo of you for my phone maybe by August
I’ll be better about all of this and I won’t let you come back to me
I won't let me hurt again maybe when
August comes
maybe then….
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kyriekyie · 8 months
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It’s strange, isn't? How your heart burns… and burns… and suddenly turns to ice
Sick of crying, tired of trying, yeah im smiling, but inside im dying
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kyriekyie · 8 months
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As I will turn 25 of years I want to make peace for myself and suffering I’ve felt
I have already told my loved ones and some as hint
No more.. hoping i will run non stop until my body give up then drop be just close my eyes and no one will ever find me.
I’ve already coded my financials and stuff to be onto people and need and for sibling’s college.
I may be unhappy but I will be gladly to be that will happen and giving everybody a peaceful life
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kyriekyie · 11 months
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Childhood rant
I remember as a kid in the Philippines everyone makes fun of me for being "pala hubog" (drunk all the time) or "mongoloid" and shit. Look where I am mofos. y'all son of the bitches be having kids earlier n shit and I'm having a wonderful life.
I still don't understand why people underestimate me that I have nothing to do about it. 
Gladly I was able to distance myself from the environment by actually moving to United States
you know what?
I should be thankful to those folks who helped me to become more self-conscious, confident and learning how to clap back to them haters.
but a wise man told me that I don’t need vengeance about these things This man told me enable to release this anger to folks is by helping people in need  That its why I practice medicine and became a public servant and eager to be there anytime.
I donated money to people in need and charity.
Volunteered to local community.
To all my bullies and people who underestimated me. 
Thank you, and God bless your Heart 
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kyriekyie · 2 years
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Someone asked me got me so deep into it.
There's a primary reason that I'm still single, it's just she wasn't interested in me, and it was the most awkward experience I've ever had. She's aware of me having a feeling in her, but it was the most regretful fucking move the way I told her. Every time I think about it, I always regret it. I was becoming a worse human being, and I treated her like shit putting all my anger on her and damaging our relationship. It hurts. I'm not going to lie; I regret everything I've done to her. I don't know how to like apologise to her even though I've done it many times, but it feels it wasn't enough.. I wish I can do more. The only thing in I'm glad is she's doing well right now and we still remain friends.
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kyriekyie · 2 years
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After Life? (Part 1)
Hello, I am back. I know it's weird to be hereafter AWOL for months. Strangely, there's a lot of things that happened in the past months. I honestly do not know when to start for reals because it will be a long blog, but unfortunately, Im going to be separate the blog by Part, but I do not know what to title for 3 part blog.
As you may all of you guys know, the last blog is supposed to be my last blog despite how miserable my life is, but, in reality, there's some actual shit that I have to achieve. Still, some people find some of my advice "useful", which I don't know if I should be flattered or not? Did I end up not doing it because I honestly don't know why or just a total coward of not shooting myself?
Let's start by continuing after August of 2021; it was September 2021. My friend Thomas encouraged me to join BORTAC, a United States Border Patrol Unit that mainly focuses on doing Special Operations within the United States, which is like "fuck it! why not!?". Because I legit had no idea what to do with my life and why be like a Special Warfare Operator, I got accepted with my Application and took the exam but didn't pass because I didn't study well. Still, the exam was challenging because it focused on Immigration which is not my style or expertise. September was weird because I wasn't taking care of myself; instead, Im so focused on Building my AR-15, which is one of the proudest projects I've done because usually.  I ask help from my dad when it comes to Gunsmithing. My friend Jessica was leaving the job, and it was also my first time like fucking inviting everybody to her farewell. We ended up going Bowling, and I still have the list of who is coming or not, which is ridiculous to see, but I'm glad I could say a proper goodbye after she's been through to her life. She changed my life. Honestly, I missed her.
October 2021, probably the weirdest or confusing stuff happened; I managed to get into eligibility for Chula Vista Fire as a Firefighter/EMT, but I honestly never heard back from them. My buddy Karina has some talent for making Ice Cream? weirdest flex, and she decided to bring one, but I missed it because I was focusing on my Fire Department staff, and I GOT MY DRIVERS LICENSE! after FUCKING 5 tries, my USPSA career went shit, but I still won't give up on Competetive shooting, somewhere close to October our Project Manager emailed us a bittersweet letter about ending our project and time for us to move on which is a shock all of us I didn't even get the news my friend Alexandra called me and the voice of her like frightened    Alex: Kyrie, have you read the email? The moment I recognized that weird non-normal sounding voice of Alex, I knew something terrible.     Me: What email? I immediately flipped my tablet and saw that notification of my email "From Justin M" I was like ", Fuck." and read the whole email while still on call with Alexandra, but we all knew this was coming, but it was very early. Some good news is like Katherine got accepted to PA school, and Karina got accepted to Med School (I don't know if it was DO or MD). I'm proud of them, honestly, except I'm not of big fan of how Katherine told me she got accepted; she made it like she murdered a human being. They made it. My favourite Baseball team didn't make it to World Series #sadbleedblue; Everyone is looking for a job as a sub to their Test Site job.
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kyriekyie · 2 years
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Probably the most perfect Pano shot I got..
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kyriekyie · 3 years
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Letter to Everyone.
Hello, If you guys reading this. It means it's finally to accept that my life has come to end, Unfortunately, I will not be able to continue to get more adventure or enjoyable moments of every single one of you, everyone is different that they're having problems taking care of it of they own, My life has become miserable that I wasn't able to keep of it, I have tried everything that what everyone says it really stupid that everyone can overcome these problems in their own that while I couldn't. By the 21st of September, I'm going to be 23 years old, and I will possibly be gone before I turn 23 it is the only way to stop the pain I've been holding, to be honest kudus to people that able to overcome these type of problem.
For people I spent investing time with them ; I don't want to hurt you or anybody so please forget about me. Just try. Find yourself a better friend.
I'm already in pain and still waiting to explode, I'm tired... I don't need help because I've tried.
Advice to people who are feeling the same way as mine: Get friends who are always there for you and don't hurt them, you will end up like me...
Good day,
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kyriekyie · 3 years
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Positivity
I really appreciate to people around me who's really patient about who I am becoming and hurting them and yet still accepting who I am especially to KH: I'm really sorry about the stuff I've done to you, Thank you for being still cool about what's going on and understanding I know there's some stuff that went really worst and made our friendship more distanced. I'm glad we made it to the same ship and were able to get along.. There are more people who deserve to be treated equally. my friend AKC encourages me to stay positive and we have both been in the same situation that we aren't able to take care of ourselves, She gave me some advice on how to be able to realize the stuff I've done. I know I haven't told KH about it, I'm waiting for the right time and right moment... hoping that we'll be fine. Thank you.
Karina, Cindy, Jessica, Keoni, Jackie, and Alex you guys deserve better.
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kyriekyie · 3 years
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Hostility (June 29, 2021)
Everything are starting to fall apart from family to friendship and etc, I hate to breakdown that everything is so messed up that I'm already emotionally overwhelmed of what's going on. I haven't seen theraphy for long time because I'm skeptical about how does it going to benefit me, I know everyone said "that's going to help me" but In reality its absolute bullshit, I'm starting to feel really lonely I don't like that feeling because... The reason I tiltled this one as "Hostility" because I'm surrounded by Hostile people, I absolute care about them but they feel opposite on me, They don't wanna deal with my bullshit because they're fed up on it, the thing they didn't realize is I care about them the most and they fucking me up by pretending they actually care. It's probably time to stop trying and step away as being a good friend with them, because in the end of the day its just not really worth it. They're not really the one who's getting hurt because they don't really give a fuck at all... I get in the point the taking my own life is the only way to do it to make them understand how I suffer but that's really absurb, Any accomplishments I've done from because a Computer Scientist to a stupid Firefighter. I'm just honestly tired.
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kyriekyie · 3 years
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Karina's Coloring Dragon
My Friend Karina was borrowing my Tablet since she's bored (as always). She decided to do some drawing and why not posting to the public. Kinda like her style of color choice..
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kyriekyie · 3 years
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I was able to get rid all of my negative thoughts this morning because my friends were able to distract all my shit, I asked my parents if they're able to have time for me by asking them out to disneyland, I feel disappointed about my parents able not to have time for me. Like they're always busy about something I feel like they always find excuse to have not time for me, I already asked them many times for something like go for movies as family or go out dinner they just find excuses, This thing is not going to be better pretty soon they don't appreciate about they're kid want some time.
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kyriekyie · 3 years
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So Far..
I have been working relentlessly in able to avoid any negative thoughnts in my mind, but I ended up being more worse and worse about my mental health. I even tried to talk to anybody but no one literally want to talks to me this will end me thinking "Everyone hates me" It's fucking stupid I know they told me before they just busy but some obvious reason that my gut telling me that they just geniuenly hate me or dont wanna talk to me because I drama too much and probably the worst person they ever met. They just not interested talking to me anymore because I'm just the probably the worst person they ever met. Like there's one time my friend borrowed my phone to talk my friend, they seems like enjoying talking each other. but when my turn to chat to this person they seems lost interested and like they shift her vibe to be more like "this guy is boring I'm just gonna like reply short ended words" It's really obvious that they have time, buit not for me. It sucks but to swallow and let it go.. but it's really hard.. I'm sick and tired of the words "They Cared" but they obviously saying that to make me better but there's worst part of it that they just don't give a fuck at all, at least show me that y'all actually care.. It got me to point that I just wanna fucking shoot myself. Because I'm sorrounded by heartless piece of shit people, from each level lof my social circle (Friends, Family or Coworkers) that's why I always like tell myself "Everything is just Stupid"
Worst part is when I needed them they just gone and me ended up being alone...
just fucking kill me honestly.. I don't deserve any acompishments I made. It's fucking garbage..
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kyriekyie · 3 years
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I’m currently running 4 hours of sleep, suicidal thoughts and a fucking boba and I’m ready to fight god or become him!!
Yeah UCLA need to fire me honestly for being a good tech and fighting Med School or Nursing Students
Jesus Christ lad.
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kyriekyie · 3 years
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It’s hard to believe that I’m gonna be gone in this world tomorrow as Promised . Thinking everyone are going to be happy me being gone.
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kyriekyie · 3 years
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I promised myself that I have to die by the end of this week, I am really desperate to be gone and don’t want to suffer anymore. I have being pain in the ass to everyone, i am just really tired of everything my homie tried to confront me about the problem I’ve been through I feel like I made everyone frustrated and disappointed about what’s going on. I am alone yes, did people want me? Idk? I’m confused I’m in the yes and no. Friends aren’t supposed to be my distraction and coping mechanism, because they’re not gonna be there for me forever. It’s better for me to be gone so I couldn’t feel this suffering anymore. I’m just a parasite that doesn’t suppose to be here. Just end me honestly I’m tired.
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