kuuhakublank00

[kuuhakublank00]

So I've been trying out Bumble, both the BFF version and the Date version. BFF seems to be going okay? Atleast I am getting likes there. Date is rough. I've already ranted about this to my friends multiple times, but I really don't know what I'm doing wrong? I've already validated my profile through all my friends – guys and girls. It's frustrating because I don't even know what I'm doing wrong.

Been feeling alone lately again. And I've been missing old things. Like, stuff from the times before college began. Be it friendships, or tv shows, or anything else. Just miss the old times. I started watching House, and that really reminds me of Sherlock, but with just enough difference to not feel like I'm watching the same show again. It's comforting.

I do hope I find someone to date soon, though. Don't think I'll be getting my emotional needs satisfied without dating at this point. Plus ngl I would also like to be physically close to someone.

And I forgot about journalling last week, lol. I hope I make a habit of this, though.

#kami sama rambles #open diary #trying to journal

[kuuhakublank00]

My plans for this account

I think I want to just..regularly try journaling? Be consistent as well? Oh, speaking of consistency, I also started gymming recently and have been pretty consistent with it so far! I hope I'm able to continue with that.

But anyway, I want to try journaling. I think it would help me navigate through my emotions. Trying to be there for myself and to be okay with solitude, in the sense that I can't rely on a single person for emotional stuff right now. Everyone's busy with their significant others to give me time everyday, and right now I don't have a significant other.

I suppose even if I did get one, I wouldn't want to let this habit go. My thoughts are mine alone, after all. I think even if I started dating someone, I'd still like to continue this. But that's planning too far ahead. Let's see how I like this in general.

#kami sama rambles #open diary #trying to journal

[kuuhakublank00]

Last update for today. This has been on my mind for a while, and I'm just putting it out there. Recorded this yesterday night for a friend, so I figured might as well just put this here rather than type it all out.

#kami sama rambles #open diary #trying to journal

[kuuhakublank00]

Updates, I guess? (Part 3)

So yeah we're pretty much caught up now. One final thing is that, I've been trying to put up boundaries with my friends, especially ones I hold really close. The main boundary is that I need them to communicate. I've had many instances where my friends would just...vanish. Without a trace. I understand taking time off, and I don't expect them to text their friends on their own when they're dealing with shit that they won't be able to talk. But if someone close to them has tried calling/texting them, I believe they should tell the person that they're not gonna be able to talk for a while. Help their friend set expectations as well.

I used to be okay (well, not okay. But I still sorta came around) with this until like last year? But we're adulting now, and life's getting more chaotic. I don't want my friends to be another reason for the chaos. I don't expect perfection, but I do want this communication most of the time.

This was an issue with a couple of friends, and I've let them know now. And yeah, let's see how that goes.

#kami sama rambles #open diary #trying to journal

[kuuhakublank00]

Updates, I guess? (Part 2)

So well, after joining the company, I started staying at my uncle's place since they wanted us on-site and not doing work from home every single day. So the routine was to go and come back with my uncle. I also didn't like the family much (except for my cousin sister) because they were extremely right-wing and that didn't exactly sit right (heh) with me. My sister is still in school so she doesn't understand this stuff yet. Plus, our interests sort of match. I also introduced her to novels and Percy Jackson, before which she didn't ever like reading. So, that feels really good, honestly.

I also had a mini existential crisis because I found out that I don't want to be a data scientist because that is a research heavy role. But since I still like machine learning (ML) I could go for Data Engineer or ML Engineer. But these require SDE experience as well. So I had an existential crisis for about 2 days where I questioned my master's plan, talked to friends and seniors about it, questioned whether I should've gone for placements (I couldn't because the deadline to sign up for that was long gone). In the end, I decided to stick with my master's plan unless I found a good opportunity to get experience for a couple of years before going for master's.

But anyway, slowly, the routine changed to: get up at like 7:30, go to the office, work till 5:30/6 pm, come back, rest for a bit, work on college essays and the application processes till 2 am or something, sometimes 4 am if I had to meet the deadline, and then sleep. Missed 2 family trips, worked my ass off. It was really bad in Dec 15-20 because I had deadlines of like 5 colleges in that period. Dec 20 was also my project submission deadline for the internship, so that definitely didn't help things.

A few other things that happened as well during this time:

Made a new friend, my ex's best friend in fact. Wasn't really trying to hit on her, we just became friends naturally. Then she freaked out and stopped talking. Later talked about it, it was a little messy, but now we're okay.

Talked to my ex, told her how she made me feel as well back then. She apologised. But even now, since we'd decided to be friends, she doesn't really say much. I also sent a voice note to everyone that was important to me in 2023 on New Year's, and she just left a like on it. Proceeded to say "Did not know how to respond but did not want to leave you on read". Decided then that I wouldn't really keep in contact with this person anymore. We've had 2 conversations after that, pretty short ones.

Went to my college's farewell. It was nice to my friends again in person. I'd really missed them. Stayed in the hostel illegally as well lol.

Saw a post for an internship in machine learning at a startup. The company looked legit so I applied. Figured what's the worst that can happen, right? If I don't want it, I can just reject them. My uncle's company had offered me an extension after all and was even offering to start paying me. But then I got a callback for an interview, aced it, had another interview, and did good in that as well! Finally had one final interview call with the tech lead, and I got selected! I couldn't believe it! I had always wanted to get something without an influence on the hiring side. No referrals or anything. And this was my first paid internship as well. And I honestly couldn't have done it without my friends and family. Even more so, these guys hired 3 interns, and they want to convert 1-2 of them. So I hope all goes well and they convert me. This could be the opportunity that helps me gain experience before going for a master's. Plus, the funding would be really nice.

So yeah, that's been going well. I'm 2 months into this 4 month internship now. I think I'm doing well? I hope I get converted. I also moved to Bangalore because the freedom is nice, my hometown is not exactly for people my age? (it's a very slow city and I cannot for the life of me deal with that. Perhaps it would be something I would crave when I get tired of the hussle, but right now, I definitely do not like it). Trying to find friends here. That's hard.

#kami sama rambles #open diary #trying to journal

[kuuhakublank00]

Updates, I guess? (Part 1)

Well here I am. It's been quite a while, hasn't it, tumblr? Last post I'd posted was in November, and those were just mindless reblogs that I don't even remember. Last actual post was in April, where I had actually written about what I was feeling. Made it private because it mentioned my friend by name.

Well, a lot of things have gone down since the last April. Where to begin? I think, the chaos started with my GRE getting postponed because I did not realise that they had stopped accepting Aadhar as an identity proof, and were back to only using the passport. And well my passport had been expired for like.. 7 years lol. So yeah, that meant I had to reschedule my GRE, run around for the whole passport process, and just get stuck in a bureaucratic mess that I'd be untangling over the next few months. I didn't know the chaos had only begun.

Around this time, I also started a casual thing with my ex? We started getting closer again and were both clear that this was temporary since she was moving to the US in a few months for her masters. (That's right y'all I was dating a senior 😎). We got pretty close and actually sexted for the first time? (Both first time with each other and first time in our lives) and it was really nice for a few days. Then she freaked out and just pushed me away, which really hurt. She said some pretty hurtful things, honestly, and we barely kept in contact after that.

I think around this time I gave my TOEFL as well? It's honestly pretty blurry at this point. But sometime around this time, I gave my TOEFL. I wasn't home for a solid month and just hopped from one relative to another. Once I was done, I finally came home and started trying out for internships.

A little detour here - suddenly my college was like oh you'll have to come back because we won't be allowing a credit conversion that we had previously said we would. That got resolved, I didn't have to go back to college after everything I'd done to finish my credits early and get out of there.

Anyway, back to internships. Tried out in a few companies. Most weren't willing to pay because I was looking for something in the software industry (machine learning, to be specific) and the market at the time was horrible. Hell, it's only now starting to get better. These were mostly referrals, though. I remember trying out for a paid internship in Jan-May 2024, but their test sort of glitched out on me and I couldn't even begin the test. And that opportunity was gone too.

My ex had also given me a referral at the company she interned at. But it wasn't machine learning, and I really wanted to keep it as my last option. But seeing no other way out, I interviewed for them. The interview process was a little harrowing, but I made it through and got the offer.

Suddenly my uncle came in and said do you want me to ask at my company? It was a manufacturing company so their focus was not software at all, but they still had use for data analysts. This was a better overall fit for me than the offer I had in hand. I sort of fumbled rejecting the other offer, but in the end, I joined the company my uncle worked at.

#open diary #kami sama rambles #trying to journal

[kuuhakublank00]

[kuuhakublank00]

[kuuhakublank00]

Also, I was thinking maybe I'll do this like a proper diary and post something every day? Let's see... I'll definitely try my best and I think it would help me to be in touch with my feelings more.

#kami sama rambles #open diary

[kuuhakublank00]

[kuuhakublank00]

Loneliness is a bitch

I've been feeling pretty lonely for the past couple of weeks. Or maybe slightly longer than that? I'm not too sure. Between GRE practice and profile building and whatnot, it's all a little blurry. But the feeling of loneliness is everpresent. Almost all of my close friends are in a romantic relationship, or have something similar going on. Or they're just busy panicking and struggling to hold together their own lives being swayed around by the winds of chaos that envelop us all. (Wow, that was poetic? At least it felt like it). I just miss having late-night talks or hanging out for long hours with them because I've no one to hang out with other than them. I'm not exactly a very social person; I like forming deep relations with people.

Now they spend their time with their significant others, watching movies or being on a video call or something. Which I get, I would have done the same if I was in their position, I think. I wish it was as easy to make the feeling of loneliness go away. But it's not. And I really don't know what to do. Do I just push forward? Ignore it? I don't know, and it just keeps getting harder and harder to simply go on and pretend it doesn't exist. *sigh* Well, back to GRE Prep I suppose...

#kami sama rambles #open diary

[kuuhakublank00]

(Not my whisper)

[kuuhakublank00]

I tried to begin 2023 on a happy note and I thought I succeeded, but I ended up getting sad anyway. I wonder if I'm just cursed to keep crushing on my close friends, with next to no hope of them liking me back ever. One time that it did work out, the circumstances went to shit so quick that we had to call it off soon. And now I'm back to crushing on another person, without any hope of them liking me back. I don't think I'll be free of this loop, but I just hope it stops being depressing and gets better...

And on that note, happy new year to y'all. Here's to hoping for less suffering and a more positive year✨

#happy new year

[kuuhakublank00]

Have you ever been in a room full of people that are having fun? Pure joy and enjoyment? Whether it's a room full of people partying, or you've gathered for new year's eve, for a wedding, whatever. You see everyone smiling, laughing, living, and you just feel empty? Like, you were excited about being among them or for that event a couple of hours ago. But now that it's actually happening, you feel hollow.

And then you start to question everything, whether you'll ever find something you'd be happy about. It probably strikes you that there have been moments where you've felt joy, akin to the one you feel like you're missing out on at the moment, but it's at times when it's personal but not conventionally considered to be fun. For example, I'd love to spend my free time playing single-player video games and geeking out about them. But it's mostly looked down upon. Whereas dancing during some occasions, let's say, is loved by most. And it's during those times when you start to feel like there is something wrong with you? You know it's all just societal pressure and you're allowed to have your own interests and be different, but when you're different than most in a lot of ways, you start to lose confidence in yourself. It's difficult to deal with. And I've found myself dealing with this a lot.

Another thing that adds to this is that the internet friends I've made kinda seem like they understand me about this. Not just understand from a bystander's perspective but actually feel the same. But when I get closer to them and get a glance at their personal lives, whether it's through Instagram or whatever they're telling me themselves, I realise they'd be among the people in the room having the time of their lives in those situations. I may be wrong, and it may be that them seeing my personal life gives them the same feeling, but I've never really talked about this, so I can't say for sure. Regardless, it makes me feel truly alone. I know my friends understand, and they don't have a problem with me being different, but sometimes you want someone who's gone through the same stuff, you know?

I don't know when I'll stop feeling alone from this perspective, like I'll never fit in. Like I'm destined to feel alone no matter how much I try to fit in. I hope it's soon. And if someone reading this relates to some part of it, I hope you find comfort in knowing that you're not alone and that I understand. And I commend you for pushing against the norm to do your own thing and be your own person who's comfortable with yourself. Even if we're not completely there yet, I hope we'll be there soon.

#kami sama rambles

[kuuhakublank00]

Back here. Mostly to just vent out my stuff into the void when I can't find someone as they're busy dealing with their life's lemons (the non-nsfw kind I think)

I really am beginning to wonder if I will ever be enough... to get an internship, to get into a good master's programme, to get into a good job at the end? Will I be able to earn enough to satisfy my cravings? Will I earn enough to have a decent life? To have a gaming den? To spend on whims, not always, but sometimes, for things I really want, at least?

I suppose we all have wondered about this. We all have insecurities, after all. And I'm assuming it's thanks to the capitalist corporate world we live in that these insecurities are reinforced and push us to work harder for them. A clever little loop, isn't it? Nevertheless, I don't see this loop being dismantled in my lifetime at least, so I suppose I'm gonna have to work with whatever constraints I have.

What do I do, then? Do I work tirelessly, forsaking living life, as so many grown-ups urge me to not do, while my workaholic peers unknowingly urge me to? Finding happiness with your work is one thing, I guess, but barely finding happiness in anything else is an extreme to which I don't see myself going, not anytime soon. That said, I don't think I have another choice than to work harder considering the neverending competition. That's all there is to it at the end?

I suppose the other factor is to find a balance between work and enjoyment. That's another hurdle for me, personally, as I'm pretty sure I've ADHD? Although I'm not officially diagnosed with it. At this point, I just feel like I'm using it as an excuse, honestly. So that's something else that I'm dealing with.

In the end, I know there is nothing else to do but forge ahead, trying to work harder and more efficiently, as much as I can. And I know I will do that. Other spirals I've had have ended in me picking myself up and trying to do better again. I just wish someday, I'll be enough. Someday, I'll be able to achieve something using my own skills and purely my talent. I know no one's an island, but that is something I want to do in my life.

#kami sama rambles #gotta stay true to the tag name lol

[kuuhakublank00]

If you call pedophilia a kink please unfollow me and never talk to me again

[kuuhakublank00]

an explanation is not owed