kittieheartsyou

[kittieheartsyou]

.

#thinking about the universe #and how it spits out fates you don't see coming #and how you're usually #both grateful and horrified #and somehow its all foreign #and somehow it's all familiar

[kittieheartsyou]

.

#and would it be fucked up #if i told you how much i miss you #because i miss your smile and i moss your smell #and i could find fleeting joy in other people as long as i need to #but fuck i wanna hold you #i feel like after everything thats happened #after all the time that has past and after all the hurt that ive felt #that i shouldnt worry this much about you #that i shouldnt miss you #that it shouldnt still ache in my chest when i think about us #that i shouldnt still be in love with you #but here we are #and im still so lost

[kittieheartsyou]

.

#are you mad at yourself for still being in love with her? #well....... like YEAH???!?!??! #on monday my therapist was like #and i was like #and i was maybe already aware of that #i was maybe aware that im mad about missing you #mad about craving your smell #mad about wanting your embrace SO SO badly #mad about you looking so damn gorgeous #i know you never thought that word fit but like damn you are so fucking beautiful #and im so so mad that i still love you so so much #and im still mad that i still sometimes have to remind myself that it wasnt because i wasnt enough #and im still sad

[kittieheartsyou]

.

#god i fucking miss you

[kittieheartsyou]

.

#i cried the whole drive home last night #I've been go go going so much lately #i haven't really had a second to process anything #Or think #or sleep #or breathe #and i just #jesus fucking christ i miss you #i miss you so fucking much #it still hurts so bad #im still so so in love with you #im fine now #like ill be alright #it just fucking sucks #and so i cried the whole way home

[kittieheartsyou]

.

#man it sucks because #im starting to heal and #function better and like #everything has been going really well for me these past few days but #like #damn. #i still miss you so much #i still love you #i still want you so badly #and i know its just going to take time #but man does it suck #you look so good

[kittieheartsyou]

.

#ive been thinking about this all night #and i just really dont understand #how youre able to do this thing #where you just pretend like nothing happened #like you just #act normal? #act like something didnt just happen? #like everything is suddenly fine again? #like nothing is actually different or changing or changed #its really confusing to me #like am i jealous of that? #to just be able to reset to normal? #or does it scare me? #do you process anything in between? #do you pretend it didnt happen? #it chatches me so off guard every time #it makes my heart hurt #you look beautiful

[kittieheartsyou]

.

#im sorry if that seemed odd but #i am #i am so confused #what just happened? #you havemt talked to me? #since last time? #thar was certainly not what i expected #im lost tbh

[kittieheartsyou]

.

#Im not really sure how to put into words where i am now #im still not sure if i even know #objectively im certainly improving #i have an appetite #im getting out of bed #i made some doctors appointments that ive been needing to make #but at the same time... #i miss your voice #i miss your face #i miss your smell #i am healing and im getting a little bit okayer every day #but that doesnt change the fact that #i dont want to reply to your texts because i like having the message notification from you #whenever anything interesting happens my first thought is still to tell you #i still think of you when i wake up #i still think of you when i fall asleep #i have amazing friends and a support system that would put the rest to shame #and im so lucky for that #and im getting better as time passes #but i think maybe ill always love you #i think that just maybe i will always imagine you in my future #i wonder if ill always miss you

[kittieheartsyou]

.

#im eating again #im smiling and singing again #im functioning through my days again #but at almost every turn #every silent moment that the universe grants my brain #i miss you i miss you i miss you #i still expect to see your texts when i pick up my phone #i still just want to hear your laugh #see your smile #smell your smell #you felt like home and i cant stop feeling homesick

[kittieheartsyou]

.

#I'm managing better now #I've started eating more #I'm still not sleeping much but i honestly blame that on work #it's been so busy and when it finally does calm down i still have reminders of you all around me to keep my head full #to hear a uboat and feel a pain in my chest #to missing the sound of your kitchen screeching #to know that at every landlord walk i miss you walking through that door so badly #but actually seeing you #still hurts #i dont know what level of hurt ill feel if i try to reach out and i think that scares me #i just started to piece myself together and while i miss you so so much i just dont know how much i can handle #i dont know if its just selfish at this poiny #or if avoiding more hurt is even whats best #or if youre doing okay #i hope you are #i hope youre talking to someone #make sure someones checking on you. and dont get mad at them for it #it may be annoying but those people are in your corner #they just care #i still care #fuxk

[kittieheartsyou]

.

#i miss you i miss you i miss you #Im cursed I'm cursed I'm cursed #cursed to miss you cursed to miss you cursed to miss you #why am i still crying

[kittieheartsyou]

.

#this is still really really hard #is this only really really hard for me? #are you healing? #are you at least talking to someone? #i keep looking at my phone and expecting you to be on it #i keep thinking i forgot to hit send again #but thats not it anymore #and i still dont know what to do #and im still sad #a little more patched up than i was before #but still sad

[kittieheartsyou]

.

#I AM FUCKING #PANICKING #I DID NOT NEED THIS #ON TOP OF EVERYTHING #I AM SO SCARED I AM SO SCARED I AM SO SCARED #WHERE DID IT COME FROM #PLEASE DONT MAKE ME SICKER #WHERE THE FUCK DID A TICK GET ON ME FROM #FUCK FUCJ FUCK I AM SO SCARED FUCK

[kittieheartsyou]

.

#I'm not ready I'm not ready I'm not ready

[kittieheartsyou]

.

#do you even miss me

[kittieheartsyou]

.

#if i am so strong #if i have so much in me #if i am so smart and so caring #if i am so incredibly capable #then why wasnt i capable of being enough #why wasnt i capable of being what you wanted #i was never going to change who i was #but why wasnt who i am capable of deserving your love #it hurts it hurts it hurts