kindadontcare

[kindadontcare]

I'm sometimes afraid you only love my yellow and the moment you see my blue, you would leave me in grey.

#my writing #books and libraries #sorry for being depressing #depressing post #kinda depressing #writers #poets on tumblr #depressao #depersonalization

[kindadontcare]

Dear me,

I was told to write a letter to myself and now the confusion fell upon me as to whether I should be addressing my past self or the future one. I settled with the present. I've done this way too many times that I'm almost out of words, whether to comfort or confront my past, whether to hype or hope my future. Hence, I settled for the present.

It's 2:06 a.m currently.

She's in regret, in confusion, in a loop of depression. Nothing new and way too numb. Tears flowed past her temples and reached her hair dampening it and then made their way to the pillow to sink in, soak it with her hazy thoughts and painful whimpers. I wonder if she'll ever have the happy ending that she so desperately hung on to in every book she read through for the past 4 years. Every book held a grief, so heavy that she could forget the angst she's filled her life with. But each story found it's happy together, every book and every word found its direction to peace. She made sure of it. It's a coping mechanism.

The true tale has always come in the form of regret, guilt and insecurity. A numbness of sorts, that waddled its way to tear apart her possible pages of happy togethers. A fear of sorts, that took the form of noises her house rang whenever she willed the courage to smile. A curse of sorts, that trajected into the family she's born into.

Alas, the tragedy doesn't seem to be enough even when I ordered my eyes from pouring them out. Well, that's all I'm filled with. Even in the present. I haven't overcome any trauma, neither the fear of Insects nor the voice of my father. I still flinch to the littlest of sounds. I still shake when my phone rings. I still swallow whenever a glance lingers too long. I still cry whenever the stars come up.

I'm unaware as to how to make it through today or how to live to be 'succesful'. Somewhere along the shivers my limbs danced to, the meaning of success turned a page I never knew was there. It stopped being able to earn a truck and lavish through a penthouse overlooking the city while the red wine painted the lips. Rather it reformed into escaping the sudden drops of heart and an unpleasant stir in the stomach, maybe a step of confidence in my wobbly legs and a firm grip of handle by my cold hands; a cozy room with a plant friend on the window.

Strange how the child in her with big dreams has grown up to be an adult with small wishes...

Tonight, I told her, comforted her,held her and embraced her. Her, with small wishes and big miseries. Her, with heavy eyes and light hopes. Her, with emotions and numbness. I told her, she doesn't need to listen, shouldn't feel the need to feel; Listen to the noises that shake her heart and feel emotions she doesn't actually feel. Because it's okay. Okay not to be empathetic, not being expressive but being scared and not forgiving.

And as I accept the 'her' is me as much as I'm her. And as I address this letter to you, myself, I only wish this one for you (for now).

I just want you to make it to tomorrow with a smile until the tomorrow comes to your today. And I want you to remember it's not your choice, it's never yours to meet the tomorrow. It'll always be 'it', to reach you and when it does, I'm sure, it'll come with peace and a small smile and let you know, you have had the best experience.

#my writing #mental health #sorry for being depressing #writers #depressing post #about me #myself #peaceandlove #happylife #gapyear #letting go #lettering #medium #kinda depressing #self help #self love #lovr #love #loveyourself #love myself #loneliest #long reads

[kindadontcare]

Dear Diary,

Are you me? Or are you just a page that hides my pain? 

U hold my deepest fears and the darkest nights.

Have you ever asked yourself how much you mean to me? Or to my eyes and to my heart? 

How do you remain so blank all day and wait all while, only to be shouted at? Only to be cried at? Only for me to scream at your white and tear you with my black? 

Aren't you the soulmate I have always dreamt of? Aren't you the light I thought I never had? Aren't you the hand waiting for me receive? 

Have you ever been tired of me? Of my constant assault? Of... myself...? 

Tainted by my tears, your white still managed to remain undamaged. Haunted by my fears, your secrecy never missed it's beat. How do you do it?

Remain so neutral and bland? So truthful and patient?

Do I deserve you? The cold calmness against my warm rapid breath? The constant touch I type? The violets you bloom to brighten my blue? The cracks you open to help me look ?

And maybe I do, hence why you still let me ink you even now...

#daily diary #books and libraries #my writing #curators #writers #poets on tumblr #art #quarantine #self deprecating humor #note to self #self love #self help

[kindadontcare]

#poem #poetry #wish #genuinewish #loveforart #loveforpoem #thoughts #words #stuff #spill #peace

[kindadontcare]

So, this is my blog. I'm sure you won't be disappointed 😊

[kindadontcare]

Madness is like gravity. All it takes is a little push.

#batmanhours.

#batman

[kindadontcare]

#nature #nightout #nightscape #nightlights #husky love #note to self #self deprecating humor #art #poemas de amor #poemas en tumblr #prose poem #short poem #poem #my writing #writers #writers on tumblr #writeaway #excerpt from a book i'll never write #excerpt from a story i'll never write #writblr

[kindadontcare]

Rolled down the window and..

The rain stormed out the eyes wetting the jeans,

realizing the happiness in your black orbs had lied to mine.

Nails marking the thighs as you smile at her smile.

Glooming clouds took over the raging heart,

As your blooming voice echoed closer to her ears.

Promised we'd be together until our faces seamed,

But here you are painting her lips with your fingertips.

#books and libraries #art #my writing #writers #travel #vacation #poets on tumblr #road trip #sadgirl #sadnees #sadbeautifultragic #sad poetry #heartbreak #heart #pandora hearts #my heart #love poem #my love #love #loneliest #lonerwolf #loner girl #loner stoner

[kindadontcare]

DUMB.

Too flustered at your touch to condemn your words

Too much in love to find the lust

Too dumb to take the signs

You told me I'm perfect only when I'm naked

Called me beautiful only when i kissed u

Let me hold your hand only when I'm under you

And I was too dumb to notice your 'only' signs

Pleasure you said, pain i felt

Love you lied, hurt i cried

Bliss you growled, mess I wobbled.

Clever you played, dumb I swayed.

#books and libraries #art #my writing #curators #writers #poets on tumblr #love #my love #love poem #heartbreak #sad poetry #sadbeautifultragic #sadnees #sadgirl #im in tears #black tears

[kindadontcare]

A city with sprouted buildings aesthetically arranged.

A tree with a contract to last for a while.

While the traffic made its presence known

Honking the peace away,

The bright ball hid behind the creamy cloud shying away from the camera

Only for the cream to melt away as the pole signaled green n for the snap to be heard !

#my writing #travel #poets on tumblr #road trip #sundown #sundance #aestethic #happylife #happyplace #happy hardcore

[kindadontcare]

#my writing #sassy girl #sassy speaks #yep thats it

[kindadontcare]

This is beautiful ❤️

You are the only one allowed– to enter my kingdom of solitude. Only while you're around, my queen, will I let my guard down.

w.s.w. // a coward of a king / queen of hearts

[kindadontcare]

Journey ...

The dance to your destiny ..

The song the train moves to , the lyric I'm obliged to succumb to ...

Turning me into

A Wandering soul

With an aimless hunt.

Yet my train's ferocious

Forwarding without a stop

Caring less a direction

Days into the future .

The engine's exhausted and

Wheels confused

All between the destined and the heart

Just like the soul into adventure but the bogis' into responsibility

Making pressure set the pace as I dance to a song foreign to my heart.

And how I wish my train to loose it's track n make a valley it's destination...

#my writing #writers #road trip #travel #poets on tumblr