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kawaiibitchyfemale · 1 month
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kawaiibitchyfemale · 1 month
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People enjoy riding boats at a pond where cherry petals are floating, Nagoya, Japan, April 1977
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kawaiibitchyfemale · 1 month
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Mad at the fucking world again.
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kawaiibitchyfemale · 2 months
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kawaiibitchyfemale · 2 months
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kawaiibitchyfemale · 2 months
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Thanks for hanging out with me! Was I cool? did you like me? What do you think of me in detail? Do you hate me?
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kawaiibitchyfemale · 2 months
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kawaiibitchyfemale · 2 months
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LEARN TO SHUT THE FUCKING HELL UP.
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kawaiibitchyfemale · 2 months
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It sucks to realize how lonely you really are in a moment of need.
I feel so alienated from everyone else.
It sucks to realize how insicnificant I am, how easily people would go on without me and the worst part... how happy they all would be without me.
I always destroy things, destroy people.
I don't want to be responsible for anyone else's bad feelings. I don't want to fucking ruin everything I am just a big fucking baby that just wants to be loved but I fucking hurt everyone and everyone always fucking leaves.
No one cares and everyone is better off without me but I cant fucking pull the trigger, like the pathetic wealking I am. It's fucking gross and pisses me off.
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kawaiibitchyfemale · 2 months
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I wish I could talk to someone
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kawaiibitchyfemale · 2 months
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I WILL BE SKINNY THIS YEAR
I WILL BE SKINNY THIS YEAR
I WILL BE SKINNY THIS YEAR
I WILL BE SKINNY THIS YEAR
I WILL BE SKINNY THIS YEAR
I WILL BE SKINNY THIS YEAR
I WILL BE SKINNY THIS YEAR
I WILL BE SKINNY THIS YEAR
I WILL BE SKINNY THIS YEAR
I WILL BE SKINNY THIS YEAR
I WILL BE SKINNY THIS YEAR
I WILL BE SKINNY THIS YEAR
I WILL BE SKINNY THIS YEAR
I WILL BE SKINNY THIS YEAR
I WILL BE SKINNY THIS YEAR
I WILL BE SKINNY THIS YEAR
I WILL BE SKINNY THIS YEAR
I WILL BE SKINNY THIS YEAR
I WILL BE SKINNY THIS YEAR
I WILL BE SKINNY THIS YEAR
I WILL BE SKINNY THIS YEAR
I WILL BE SKINNY THIS YEAR
I WILL BE SKINNY THIS YEAR
I WILL BE SKINNY THIS YEAR
I WILL BE SKINNY THIS YEAR
I WILL BE SKINNY THIS YEAR
I WILL BE SKINNY THIS YEAR
I WILL BE SKINNY THIS YEAR
I WILL BE SKINNY THIS YEAR
I WILL BE SKINNY THIS YEAR
I WILL BE SKINNY THIS YEAR
I WILL BE SKINNY THIS YEAR
PLEASE WORLD LET ME BE SKINNY THIS YEAR
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kawaiibitchyfemale · 2 months
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Dear diary...
I knew I shouldn't think things would work out.
I knew I would end up fucking things up like I always do.
No matter how simple a task may seem, I always find a way of failing.
I can't do anything right.
I don't deserve good things.
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kawaiibitchyfemale · 3 months
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kawaiibitchyfemale · 3 months
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kawaiibitchyfemale · 3 months
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Rant
Sometimes i’m so tired. Tired of feeling. Tired of making mistakes. It just makes me want to give up and stop trying altogether. But I know if I’d do that things would only get worse and I don’t want that either.
I know there are ways for me to eventually learn healthy coping mechanisms. One thing at therapy stuck with me though: you can’t stop feeling. There is no magical potion for me to stop feeling and experiencing emotions and feelings the way I do but I can learn to deal with them.
That just made me so sad, the realization, the acceptance of the fact that I will always feel the things I feel is awful. My first thoughts were: I don’t want to live if that is the case. Why would I want to try, fail, try again and fight my entire life so I can ‘deal’ with my feelings instead of making them less or just not having them at all.
It makes me really understand people with addictions and sometimes a bad part of my brain is like: Dude you should totally do that instead of the shit you’re doing right now. But I know getting addicted to something that won’t make me feel at all won’t help me in the long run and will potentially, probably definitely make things worse in the long run.
So, what are my options? Continue going to therapy, fuck up things a billion more times and then eventually there is hope that I can ‘deal’ with my feelings. That I could have the socially acceptable response instead of saying what I actually feel and think at that moment. I know they say it would help me too but would it though? Or am I just paying a lot of money, pushing myself into uncomfortable situations just so I could cater to others? Not harm them with me being me?
It hurts to be called selfish so often, especially when you don’t try to do things with malicious intent. I don’t even try to do things with an ulterior motive. I’m so mean to myself; others are so mean to me. And I’m so done with making mistakes almost every single day. I am exhausted, I am overwhelmed and have been for the longest time.
No one believes in me anymore and I don’t blame them. I tried and failed so many things. If someone continuously says they’re working on it and trying but they fail time and time again, would you still believe in that person? But it still sucks that they don’t. I’m so done with being a failure, an embarrassment. People say they don’t but I know everyone looks down on me. Like some sort of fucking idiot that they should clap for every time I do something which should fucking be the bare minimum for a functioning adult. I’m so disgusted by myself. Always creating situations that are the opposite of what I want, always making people hate me time and time again. I just want to be loved, I wish I could be happy, or at least not miserable and feel so much all the time.
I learned that I should stop sharing my feelings and keep things to myself more often. Maybe I can eventually poison myself with my own thoughts and leave it at that.
I can’t talk with other people, because no one every really understands. That’s fine though, I’m so happy for them that they can’t. But it often makes me feel so alone. And then I fucking drain my loved ones time and time again by trying to talk to them but when did it ever help though? When did it do good?
I just don’t like being with myself. My head is not a nice place to be.
I even am disgusted by this entire thing I’m typing because it makes me sick and angry that a person that causes so much harm ( me ) can talk with so much petty about themselves. Blergh. Gross.
I’m tried, I wish I could stop feeling. I wish I could stop having opinions. I wish I just wasn’t me dude. I don’t like me, I sometimes don’t want to fight for me, I just want to delete myself from this earth and have people forget I ever existed. I don’t want to be a bother, but I am. To them and myself. I’m a stain that needs to be erased so others can be happy. Not be influenced by me. I’m too selfish, I have too many feelings and for 26 years now already I have been failing at doing better. When does one know when to give up tho? When have I tried enough that it is justified and not frowned upon to give up?
I know I must not give up, I know there is hope and that I have improved already over the years. But sometimes I swear I’m so tired, it’s so difficult and I just wonder why I do it. It’s not like I have the biggest will to live anyway. It’s not as if I have a future planned. I didn’t even think I’d make it this far tbh so I’m just winging it and trying to be a responsible adult.
Working, trying hard for others, going to therapy. But sometimes I’m so lost with who I really am and what I actually want. Especially when half of the time others say my thoughts / feelings / plans aren’t valid or will end up to nothing. Argh I’m ranting, I could go on forever but enough is enough. No more self pity. I guess I’ll try again tomorrow.
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kawaiibitchyfemale · 3 months
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kawaiibitchyfemale · 3 months
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but they won't // 12.16.2023
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