kaimuki

[kaimuki]

literally nothing is more intoxicating to me than hearing someone call me by my name. like ugh

[kaimuki]

Are we in love??????????????????????????????????? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

[kaimuki]

You bringing up my old snap is kind of nice actually. It's kind of nice to think that the past doesn't just disappear into the ether.

#personal

[kaimuki]

The truth is, I want to be close to you. And I wish things worked out. But because of the way I am, I think I'll love just having minutes with you. I'll love hearing you say that I'm your duo, or you being proud of me for just a match of Valorant.

So it'll be good. You can talk to me about the things you baked, the projects you're working on.

I kind of wish things were different. I wish I was still how you remember me. Braver. More willing to fight. I hope that's still how you see me. And I hope you see the distance as something that hides something good. I wish we could've walked by the pond again. I should have kissed you then.

You found the girl you want to marry. I am so happy for you. Can I admire you from afar? Can this distance allow me the most joy possible?

#letters to no one because i am a coward

[kaimuki]

[kaimuki]

We are certainly in love.

[kaimuki]

yeaaaaah I love you

[kaimuki]

So today I felt super loved because I asked some friends to play video games and they played with me :)

[kaimuki]

isnt it awful? i wonder if u feel the same way. like, i miss you and i think maybe we should live together and play games and we'll talk for hours and your voice is wonderful because you're gentle and you're thoughtful. and yet we can't because our lives are diverging. and we hold it together with this plan of games to play together. i think i love you actually. we left the call but you're still on, just like me. do you feel the same? do you wish we could have fallen asleep scrolling through pictures of cats together?

[kaimuki]

I'm sure this warrants a diary entry.

We just played Don't Starve Together. This is probably one of the most healthy friendships I have. It's just one based on pleasantness and mutual respect. I'm a fan. I've got your back. I've got this feeling like I want to give everything to you. I hope we are friends for a long time.

[kaimuki]

by bradley_images

[kaimuki]

It was about this time I conceived the bold and arduous project of arriving at moral perfection. I wished to live without committing any fault at any time; I would conquer all that either natural inclination, custom, or company might lead me into. As I knew, or thought I knew, what was right and wrong, I did not see why I might not always do the one and avoid the other. But I soon found I had undertaken a task of more difficulty than I had imagined.

The Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin, Benjamin Franklin (via kaimuki)

[kaimuki]

STAR WARS PREQUEL TRILOGY + ART

“Fallen Angel” - ALEXANDRE CABANEL “Full Moon over Kilauea” - JULES TAVERNIER “Ophelia” - JOHN EVERETT MILLAIS “Among the Sierra Nevada, California” - ALBERT BIERSTADT “Lucifer” - FRANZ VON STUCK

[kaimuki]

I’m not entirely sure why I can’t shake this feeling of shame, but I know that it’s been a good life so far.

[kaimuki]

uhhhhh i talk about grief not sure if that warrants a tw

Rewatched the first season of Never Have I Ever and it is literally so nice to see Devi have friends that forgive each other, reach out to her and reach out to each other. Kinda therapeutic. Replacing old memories with new stories. Works for me. I think my life would have been different if I felt like all the shit I did wrong in high school felt forgiven. It still doesn’t, that’s why I feel like I can’t go back there until I’ve completely shed every cell that feels shame and guilt about it. It’s been more than 7 years, so technically every cell has turned over, but the memories are pretty resilient. Virus like. Or maybe even protected, like a lesson that I’m supposed to pass down for survival.

[kaimuki]

uhh tw unaliving

I think it’s really easy to imagine the past as the worst case scenario, but I know that it isn’t true. I never wonder what would have happened if I wasn’t the type of person who was up at 4am, playing League of Legends, the type of person who never puts their phone on silent because I’m never in a situation that warrants it. I was always ready to be torn away from my reality, and I never wonder what would have happened if I wasn’t that type of person. But I’ll wonder today because someone suggested I try it. Maybe I was normal, maybe I had a wonderful day that day and tuckered myself out by 5pm, had a drink with my friends at the bar before work, had a leisurely shift, and was cross-faded by 11pm and asleep in my bed next to a friend who kisses me sometimes. I don’t think that’s normal life. I think that might have been normal for the kids who went to my college, but I think I was living a more universal life, of loneliness and the like. Either way, I don’t like to wonder what would have happened if I didn’t answer your call that night. Would you have gone driving? Trying to see through the fog of tears? Would you have driven fast? Would you have stopped at the bridge? Would you have driven all the way to Ohio? Would you be here? I don’t think anyone really knows what anyone else is capable of in their grief, and sometimes I get scared for myself because sometimes I really do not want to be here. On other days the deeply ordinary life is so pleasant that it’s hard to believe I ever felt otherwise. A lot of my life has felt like training, being ready for something that I’m completely unsure of. I haven’t catastrophically failed yet, so I think it’s working out.

[kaimuki]

Actually something very pleasant happened this morning.

Sorry this really isn’t well written and I talk about some stuff that was traumatic to me like bullying, self-esteem issues, and being misunderstood or not known at all.

For the past few days, I’ve been getting these tiktoks that talk about how emotional trauma manifests as unbalances in hip muscles, and probably other stabilizers in general. So it’s kind of been on my mind to stretch and just hope that passively this will unlock some kind of healing pathway for my brain, is worth a shot.

I’m not entirely sure if it worked on it’s own, but definitely some free progress was made today. Yesterday was a friend’s birthday, but I felt some huge anxiety about it -which I acknowledge doesn’t make any sense -so I think that contributed as well.

Anyway, I had this extended dream where there were people from both college and high school in it, and the friends that I made in college were really a source of comfort for me. I think I’ve had the privilege of meeting some really nice and awesome people, which I can credit being the literal thing that saved me in this instance.

High school has always been a mixed topic for me. There were moments of joy, peace, pleasantries, but also moments that were deeply confusing, disturbing, and chaotic even. I can imagine that this isn’t the case for everyone, and I can also imagine it being extremely common; but, I was not very bright, and I lived my life at its most surface level. I tried my best to understand what was going on, but I was ultimately deeply confused.

The stand out moment for me which was only important because it came at the absolutely worst time was this girl spreading rumors and talking shit about me. Simultaneously, I had just torn apart my leg playing sports, was having surgery, getting a severe, rare infection, having the classic sexuality/god hates gays problem, struggling with school, parents, and all the classic growing up problems.

So, at the time, I was playing basketball with the high school team. One of the upperclassmen were in the computer lab overhearing a conversation with a girl and my boyfriend at the time, and the girl was saying some wild stuff about me. I barely knew this girl, and my upperclassmen said she was calling me a monster, and then going into specific detail about why I was a monster.

Here’s the issue though. It’s obviously loud enough for other people to hear, and she’s using my name enough so that people can tell she’s talking about me. So yeah, this isn’t really casual.

The interesting thing is that I never really doubted my upperclassmen teammates. I don’t think they believed these rumors or shit talk at all. I always felt like they had my back, and that they knew me enough to not believe them. That was always a source of comfort. I’m always thankful that they knew better.

But the mutual friends I had with shit-talker, I didn’t trust. I tried so desperately to explain things to them, but I still felt them changing the way they treated me. Eventually I gave up. I thought that this feeling of being so deeply misunderstood was mine to carry and I never talked about it with them, just robotically said yes to things and showed up. I was constantly angry.

I thought that maybe there was just something wrong with me. I didn’t really think bad of anyone else. I thought if I knew how to express myself properly I could just tell them the truth, and it would be convincing, because how could any lie be more convincing than the truth? The truth happened. I know now that maybe I was really stupid and naive for believing things like that, but it is kind of endearing isn’t it? Like, what a sweet kid.

I realized that they never really had the pleasure of knowing me. They did have the pleasure of me reaching out to them, wanting them to understand me, but I think they took it for granted. They didn’t know who I was back then. I was someone who tried hard, cared a lot, and did my best despite being stupid and dense.

My best moments were with the team. I’m not sure if it was coach who tied us all together, but I felt like I genuinely liked my teammates outside of basketball. People shit on sports a lot, but I think I learned how to be a good friend, being on a team.

You needed someone to be at the gym with you? I’m there. You got in trouble and were running laps? I’m running with you. This kind of support I learned to give carried over outside of sports. There were places I knew I had to be to give support I knew I had to give, and I did it with my full heart in it. See, sweet kid.

Looking back now and being so separated from it, I could never think I was a monster. Insecure, probably. Stupid, yes. Never mean spirited. Never cold hearted. Alive and wanting to express myself, wanting to be understood, wanting to be connected to other people. Wanting to be helpful and aspiring to be kind. Failing at times, but always trying. Legitimate qualities. Maybe shit talker was the same, but she hasn’t earned my love the way that I have.

People have tried to communicate this idea to me before. Someone not knowing who I am, not paying attention to me isn’t my problem. So that feeling of being misunderstood or no one knowing me that I’ve been carrying around, it isn’t mine to bear.

Whether or not people think they know me, they’re not in my life to enjoy the love I have to give to them. So if I could just keep this idea in mind and not let the anxiety of thinking that I deserved all of that or that I’m a shit human that no one wants anything to do with, I can maybe be a better person and reach out more to people who might actually like me enough to be happy with that.