justzoni

[justzoni]

You're absolutely right. I haven't been writing lately, but that might be because I've got other things on my mind.

While it's utterly unrelated to my usual hobbies I thought I might share my personal blog here on the unlikely chance anyone has an interest in reading it:

www.autistic-mama.com

The blog is dedicated to sharing my experience with pregnancy and parenting as an autistic woman If you or someone you know might find it interesting, have at it!

Cheers.

#autism #pregnancy

[justzoni]

Gravity - Chapter One

Fandom: U-KISS Story Rating: G (for now, later chapters up to NC-17) Story Words: 4,934/120,000 approx. Chapters: 1/17 Genre: Drama, Romance, Angst Pairing(s): AJ/Kevin, Eli/Kevin, AJ/OC, Kevin/OC Notes: Gravity was originally published back in 2013, if you couldn't figure it out from context clues. I took it down after I left the U-KISS fandom, but I've always had fond memories of it. I've had a few people asking about it, so I thought it was about time to dust it off and repost it. I will be editing it and doing some rewriting of it as I go, as well. Perhaps it'll serve as golden age U-KISS nostalgia for a few of you.

I currently plan to post one chapter a week, but I reserve the right to delay that if I hit a scene that I really hate and need to completely redo. Feel free to yell at me if I take too long. Please keep in mind that the original version of Gravity was 17 chapters and a little over 120,000 words long.

Cheers!

Story Summary: The night before Kevin left, he told AJ something that would forever change his world. Now, AJ will do anything to get that back.

--- The toothpaste goes on the toothbrush. Spit, rinse. Shower. Dry myself off. Get dressed.

This is my morning. This is every morning and it's all I can do just to make it happen. Every little movement is mechanical, something to do that has to be done. I don't really feel any of it anymore. I haven't felt anything for months.  

Two minutes and twenty-nine seconds. That's how long it takes me to fold a spare change of clothes and some bathing necessities into my duffel bag, stored away so I won't have to bother with returning home between schedules.  

Days are busy now. I like that. Busy means there's no time to think or feel. No time to react. Mornings are focused on choreography, relearning dances that were designed for seven people but now have to work for six. They had to change a lot when he left, which mostly makes a lot of hard work for those of us who are left. The steps are similar or the same, and yet they're completely different. It's good. The work gives me something to concentrate on. Then it’s time for vocals, taking up most of the afternoon. We've all got to pick up the slack now that he's gone.

Every day is the same. I mean, a few little details change here and there, but nothing major. They told me it would get better. It hasn't, whatever 'it' is. I guess they were kind of right. I don't really feel sad, or down, or depressed anymore. Not the way that I used to, at least. It's not like I'm crying myself to sleep at night or anything. 

Instead, I just feel hollow, like nothing's there. Hollow is better than feeling full of broken glass. That's how it was for the first few days. Maybe a week or two. I still feel that way sometimes. It all depends on how often someone slips and mentions him while I'm around, or how fast they all fall silent when I walk into a room. I'm not stupid. The entire situation is pathetic and I know it. I'm just not sure whether that word applies to them or me anymore. Like what you're reading? Keep reading over on AO3!

#UKISS #Fan Fiction #Jaevin #Bringing back really old shit

[justzoni]

There is something magical about the combination of autumn and coffee shops. For me, there is no better way to spend an evening than packing up a laptop and a book, paying too much for coffee, and sitting in an overstuffed chair at a coffee shop to chill out with some writing and a chapter or two of reading.

And it's something I haven't indulged in... for years.

For the most part, that's my fault. My life just hasn't had much coffee shopable time. And I'm currently in Nashville, which also isn't known for it's writerly coffee shop vibe.

To add to this, my husband is not a writer. The only books he reads are non-fiction treatises on American history. He does not know the joy of $8 coffees and listening to the chaos of other people in the shop as you indulge in good literature.

I also haven't found any agreeable-looking coffee shops nearby. But this morning, I decided to try and get a teeny bit of that back since it's the perfect day for it - gray and rainy - and so I packed up a book and headed to Starbucks, which is... about as close to a cute coffee shop as we get in my neighborhood.

While I did enjoy my coffee (even if they did list my name as Tony), I just wasn't feeling the magic. I'm wondering now if I should put some effort into finding a cute coffee shop or whether I should just wait until we move back to DC next year.

#coffee shops

[justzoni]

While I'm enjoying working on The Spaces Between Us, there's part of me that wishes I'd have selected a redux The Dark Path to use for my fan fiction half of NaNoWriMo (where I'm running one original and one fan novel). Reading through the sketch I did of it last year makes me itchy to dig in:

"Sebastian," the boy said finally, meeting the butler's eyes. "Clear my schedule. We will depart for Tonbridge School at once. The sooner we begin our investigation, the sooner we'll be done." "Yes, my lord." The words set Sebastian in motion, moving to retrieve his master's dressing gown from where it rested over the chair back near the window. With a plan in place, Ciel should have felt ready for the chase. Instead, he felt as though there were some vital piece of information he should have known. A missing piece to a puzzle that should have been solved. Sliding off the bed, he pushed his feet into his slippers, eager to escape the cold of the floors for as long as possible. Pausing for a moment, he said, "She mentioned that they had found the body of the seventh victim yesterday." "Yes," Sebastian confirmed. "An instructor of religious history, visiting from a boy s school in Devonshire. He is the only one they have discovered; the rest have vanished without a trace." "Did any of the papers indicate how the body was found?" Ciel asked. "The letter only said that it was gruesome." Easing his master's arms into the dressing gown, Sebastian knelt in front of him to tie the garment closed. "They did indeed. His body was discovered on the school grounds by a group of students, inside of the main chapel." That came as a surprise. Shocking for women, perhaps, but Ciel had seen far worse. "At the church? That doesn't sound too macabre." "I'm afraid you misunderstand, young master," Sebastian said, getting to his feet. "The instructor's body was found inside of the school chapel, cut into thirteen pieces and hung from the sculptures of the nativity, with the Virgin Mary cradling his severed head alongside the infant Christ."

#kuroshitsuji #fan fiction #black butler #maybe I'll write this next

[justzoni]

King (Oneshot)

Fandom: Kuroshitsuji Story Rating: G Story Words: 2,402 Chapters: 1/1 Genre: Drama Pairing(s): Ciel/Sebastian (sort of?) Trigger Warnings: Abuse of a chess board by people who ought to know better. Notes: King is a redux of a story I used in a Kuroshitsuji-based writing tutorial 14 (!!!) years ago. That story was titled Chess, and this is greatly improved so I hope you'll enjoy it and not make me feel too old. Story Summary: Ciel watches as Sebastian plays a very curious game of chess alone.

---

The only sound in the night air was the crackle of the dying fire, the last of its light glowing low in the hearth of the library. Thick velvet curtains and the weight of the solid oak door kept any light from outside from entering the room, save for that which crept inside as Ciel Phantomhive entered. As with all of the manor house, safety was beyond measure in the carefully guarded confines of the young earl's favorite room, and yet something was amiss. Without the slightest sound or indication, Ciel knew that he was not alone.

Seated ten feet away, Sebastian was seated at the ornate Indian chess table that the previous Earl Phantomhive had purchased on an adventure abroad. Though the game board had been reduced to ashes in the fire, it stood once more unblemished in the shadows that chased themselves around the room. 

In front of the demon, chess pieces were spread across the squares in an indecipherable pattern thoroughly at odds with the traditional rules of the game. Framed against the background of endless bookshelves and dowdy settees, the scene looked like a painting from the old masters, with neither the butler nor his pawns moving. 

This was a scene that had become all too common over the past months. On nights when his dreams were filled with the scent of burning flesh and thoughts of darkened dungeons below lavish houses, Ciel often awoke and wandered only to find his servant occupied with games of his own creation. At some point, the act of finding the chess board had become a game unto itself. Invariably, Ciel would never interrupt or question the scene before him, and the demon never acknowledged his audience.

Allowing the heavy door to slide closed behind him, Ciel took a seat in an overstuffed chair not far from the board. He took in the current state of affairs playing out in the chess pieces themselves. The black king stood alone at the center, facing imminent danger alone. Surrounded by an army of white soldiers, he would be unable to defend himself from the pawns, bishops, rooks, and the all-powerful white queen that had him at their mercy. 

And yet, this was chess in pieces but not in placement. These were not the actions of a game conceived to play at war. They were a portrait of something far less distant. Even to a child's eyes, it was easy to see that this was an illustration of Ciel's daily life played out in something some considered a toy.  Like what you're reading? Click here to keep reading over on AO3!

#kuroshitsuji #black butler #ciel phantomhive #sebastian michaelis

[justzoni]

The Spaces Between Us, Chapter Five

Fandom: Kuroshitsuji Story Rating: NC-17 Chapter Rating: PG Chapter: 5/12 Chapter Words: 7,525 Story Words: 30,090 Genre: Drama/Romance Pairing(s): Ciel/Sebastian, Ciel/Lizzy Trigger Warnings: Cheating/Infidelity, Explicit Sexual Content, accused of being "very sweet" Notes: I've been plugging away at getting Spaces up and going for a while now and chapter five, Roses, is a favorite. I do rather like Sebastian's monologue if I do say so myself. Story Summary: Three months after his marriage to Elizabeth, Ciel can't stop thinking about what happened the night before the wedding that put distance between himself and Sebastian. Unable to fight himself any longer, he decides to find out why. --- Silence fills the air in the dining room as we finish off the last remnants of breakfast. By all accounts it is a beautiful morning. Sunlight streams through the broad windows of our parlor. The household staff is content and has not caused any trouble. Even Lizzy seems to be feeling the cheer that the day brings. 

No amount of cheer or good weather, however, can change the fact that the tension in the air is so thick that I could cut it with a knife. The atmosphere has been like this since the day that Lizzy returned from visiting her family. Though nothing else has changed in the household, my life has become colored with uneasiness. 

Over the past week, I have tried to smooth it away. To some extent, I have succeeded. Conversation this morning has been pleasant and light as we sip at the delicate teas and full-bodied coffees that Sebastian has prepared. His culinary treats are always the very embodiment of perfection, but the good food does not seem to help matters as our conversation has trailed off. If anything, it makes them worse.

"Would you like more tea, Lady Elizabeth?" Sebastian asks, stepping up to the table from his position by the wall.

"Must you always address me so formally, Sebastian?" Elizabeth asks, smiling politely at him. Indicating her cup, however, she nods. "I will take more tea, please." 

"Indeed, I must," Sebastian replies pleasantly. He returns her smile graciously. "Anything less would be improper."

With that comment, he complies with her request and refills her cup. With a quiet bow to the both of us, he gathers some of the empty plates and returns to the kitchen. As soon as he is gone, Lizzy's eyes dart back to me and meet my gaze. Like what you see? Click here to keep reading on AO3!

#kuroshitsuji #black butler #sebciel #cielizzy #fan fiction

[justzoni]

So yeah, I've totally been writing things.

Yep, I'm a terrible liar -- I've absolutely been writing shit. For anyone who actually follows any of my accounts, you'll know I've published six things in the past three weeks. I'll link to a few in individual posts here. Most of it is breathing life into old stuff but, hey, take it for what it's worth.

[justzoni]

Life Updates

With the U-KISS Comeback, I've had a few PMs here and on Facebook asking if I, too, will be making a comeback.

The short answer is no, I have no plans to resume writing fan fiction. That's not to say I never will, but it's not in the books right now.

For a longer answer, I'll go ahead and give you guys a life update. Under a cut, of course, to save everyone's sanity.

Ask anyone who knows me and they will tell you that I am an incredibly laid back, happy person. I go with the flow, don't get irritated or upset, and have an easy time handling problems when they arise.

That being said, there is one thing that pisses me off like nothing else: people who try to tell me what I am or am not capable of doing. And yes, when people do that, I can also hold a grudge.

Five years ago, my ex walked out on me twelve days after I had major abdominal surgery, when I couldn't even lift a gallon of milk or take care of myself properly. Before she did, she made a few statements that really got to me. She said that autistics can only have jobs, not careers. I was told that I should be grateful that I could find retail work that paid $15 an hour, because that was all I was worth since I didn't have a college degree. And I was also told that I should count my self very lucky that I had someone to "help out" financially.

To add to this, my doctors had told me that I would never run a mile, couldn't lift weights, and would never be able to leave the house without having an inhaler in my purse or pocket because to do so would be risking death.

When I say that I hold a grudge, I think what I really mean is that when people tell me shit like that, I tend to do everything I can to prove them dead wrong.

So, over the last five years, I have built a strong and successful career. I have become a recognized expert in my field, with a great reputation. I went from making $15 an hour to making well into the six figures. I traded in my tiny rented room in New York for a big, beautiful house in an upscale neighborhood in Nashville. The junker I was driving that would occasionally die at the worst times was sold off and replaced with a new SUV with all the bells and whistles.

And to top it all off, I got myself to a point where I was running five miles every morning and didn't have a second thought about my asthma.

I fixed everything but my severe trust issues.

Two years ago, I met a guy named Mike. We had a lot in common: he works in tech, loves dogs, loves movies, and is a craft beer enthusiast. Great. But I wasn't sure I wanted a relationship at all, as I had been determinedly single and had worked hard to keep myself from getting too close to anyone.

Four months after I met Mike, I got some bad news. My doctor informed me that I needed knee surgery. The surgery was explained to me as a very simple procedure that would take an hour. I'd be able to use crutches for the first three or four days, then I'd be back to full function within two weeks. No big deal.

When I went in for the surgery, I expected Mike to help me back home and help me out the next day, as he had offered. But nothing beyond that.

And then the surgery went very wrong. The procedure that was supposed to take an hour wound up taking half a day. Instead of the minor repair I was told about, the surgeon wound up basically having to rebuild my knee. He described it as the worst damage he had ever seen that wasn't from a single, traumatic incident like machinery accidents.

The recovery I was looking at was this: fourteen weeks before I could put any weight on my left leg whatsoever, six more weeks with severe restrictions and crutches, and very extensive recovery time. My knee still isn't back to full function.

With that kind of a medical situation, I expected Mike to take me home, help me get set up, then maybe call one of my friends to come help me out. After all, he'd only been dating me for about four months, and that was not at all what he had signed up for.

When they released me from the hospital, Mike drove me home and got me settled. He then left... and drove to his house, packed up a large suitcase, grabbed his dog, and moved into my house for the duration of my recovery.

If you'd like to know how to earn someone's trust, that'll do it.

In a little over three weeks, Mike and I are flying to Charleston, where we will be exchanging vows in a public park while surrounded by family. We have a very good life, and right now it is very full with work, wedding stuff, trying to get back into running, and talk of starting a family soon.

I do still occasionally write, but it's almost entirely original fiction. When I do get hit with a wave of nostalgia, I go through and poke at old fan fiction to make some edits and wonder why I stopped writing. But I no longer feel the pleasure and enjoyment that I used to while writing.

I'll leave this for now. Maybe someday I'll be back. Maybe I won't.

In the meantime, if anyone needs to get a hold of me, just shoot me a note. Cheers.

#life