just-overthinking-things

[just-overthinking-things]

Summer of 2019, I wore my first bikini top.

I was terrified of what others would think, but even amongst all of my doubts and hesitation I knew I looked good in it and that nobody actually cared what I looked like. After all, my biggest insecurity was still covered up (my lower stomach and upper thighs).

Fast forward to a week ago. Nobody knew it besides my boyfriend and myself, but I overcame another HUGE insecurity of mine by wearing regular bathingsuit bottoms. Not a skirt, not shorts, but legit bathing suit bottoms (still high waisted).

My upper (inner) thighs have always been an issue for me. I have excess skin or fat right at the top of my legs. I've always worn shorts just long enough to cover them. So you can assume I've always worn bathing suit bottoms that also covered them....skirts, activewear type shorts, etc.

While in Gatlinburg on a family vacation a couple weeks ago, I slipped on a pair of high waisted bathing suit bottoms, took a deep breath, and walked out of the room.

Nobody batted an eye. Nobody stared at me. Nobody treated me differently. Nobody said anything referring to it.

I.was.so.gosh.darn.proud of myself.

I did it once so I know can do it again.

Now I just need to tan the upper thighs that haven't seen the light since I was a child. 🤣

#body positivity #operation love yourself #fitness journey #plus size life #plus size love #weightloss

[just-overthinking-things]

It's NEVER about the potato.

Confused? Let me clear it up.

Tonight I spent over an hour preparing dinner. I air fried these 2 beautiful russet potatoes, pan seared some chicken strips, and cooked fresh bacon. My plan was to make chicken, bacon, and ranch loaded baked potatoes.

I had mine all neatly prepared on my plate and I was just waiting on my green beans to finish steaming.

That's when my plate fell off the table and landed face down on the floor.

Immediately, I made a joke about how it had been such a perfectly prepared potato. I had taken pride in dressing it so nicely (OCD probs). But then came the wave of pure anger. I nearly pushed everything off the dining room table as I exclaimed "there's never any room." Thinking internally that this was the reason for my potato mishap.

Then I became angry in general. Angry that I'm always the one to clean the house. Angry that I had just slaved over dinner (and was so excited for that darn potato) just to have it waste on the floor. Angry that our dining room table was always covered in junk. Angry that the floor wasn't clean enough to just pick the potato up and eat it anyway.

I threw the potato and plate AT, not in, the trash can.

Then....as always, came the tears.

In those moments, all of the anxieties from work, saving money to move, getting things prepared to move, planning our vacations, stress from life.... all of this pent up emotion exploded out of me.

So you see, it's almost never just about the potato. Sure, I was upset over the potato. It was a darn good looking meal, but my explosion? Nah. That was caused by something entirely different. Stress.

I've heard many stories like this from other women. Heck, this is probably why our reputation as women is that we are over emotional and crazy, but in truth...it's never about the one little simple thing that set us off. It's about finally releasing the pressure and stress of which we had been holding for who knows how long. ❤

#anxiety #depression #ocd #overthinking #nightly thoughts

[just-overthinking-things]

17 parks. Not including parking lots or the parking garage. That's the map of where we are expected to monitor at work. Ie: check trash cans, pick up loose trash, monitor for any illegal activity, open and close gates, and just be present.

A couple of thousand visitors attend the parks on a nice weekend day.

Now, imagine only supplying 2 or 3 employees to work the amount of areas mentioned above.

Yea, that's my job....but hey, at least the views are nice.

#park ranger #memphis tn #memphis #mississippi river #901 #memphis river parks

[just-overthinking-things]

My biggest regret in life? College.

I have a bachelors degree, but I'm not exactly proud of it. Heck, my degree is in something I never even studied. I don't even know what it means...Professional Studies. What is that?

It was my last attempt to make sure my hard work, my 6 years of stress, didn't become a complete waste.

My 2nd to last semester, I met with a guidance counselor and asked them what I could to to graduate within 1-2 semesters, and that was it. I became a professional studies major, took a few online classes, and graduated with my bachelor's degree. 🤷‍♀️

Now, I'm finding that all of the jobs I enjoy (anything outside really) doesn't require a college degree.

So, yea, my biggest regret in life is wasting 6 years chasing a college degree so that I could feel like I accomplished something.

And yet.....I still don't feel accomplished.

#college #what is life #biggest regret #live and learn

[just-overthinking-things]

I used to drive in the rain as if it were any other day because I knew my vehicle so well it was almost as if we were one. It was an extension of my body.

That was until my wreck. Although the rain was not a leading factor in my wreck (misjudged driving on someone else's part was) it was still raining that night.

Now, subconsciously, I drive in the rain just waiting for something to happen. I'm much more cautious and weary. Ill catch myself doing this and try to snap out of it so that I can drive like a normal human being but it's no easy feat...

#rainy day #car wreck #rainy day thoughts

[just-overthinking-things]

Earlier tonight I posted a rant on my Snapchat story about how Memphis is essentially a lawless city.

Speed limits? What are those? (I can't lie. I'm 100% guilty of this one)

Weed? Pfff nobody cares. Smoke it.

"Click it or ticket?" Nah, how about we drive around music blaring with our passengers literally hanging out the windows.

Traffic laws? Ha! Donuts and burnouts are completely normal here. Not to mention just smooth driving around traffic just because you feel like it.

I mean, I see it every day. Not to mention that at least 75% of the people who come to visit our parks (I'm a ranger downtown) just come to sit in the parking lots, in their cars, smoke weed and drink, blast their music, and throw trash out the window.

This.is.Memphis.

Then, not even 2 hours after posting my annoyed rant on Snapchat, I heard gunshots.

A drive by shooting had occurred in one of our parks and I had only been 1 red-light down the street.

Insanity.

I tell you, tonight I was wishing so bad that I could just quit and go home. Especially after finding out that the drive by was caused by road rage and an innocent 12 year old girl had been caught in the crossfire. What a shame.

I have never wanted to leave a job or this city more than I do at this moment.

Memphis....is broken.

#memphis #memphis tn #park ranger #disappointed #another day another dollar

[just-overthinking-things]

I still have dreams about a relationship that ended 7 years ago....

And these aren't just any dream, they are extremely vivid. We are back together. We have overcome our differences. We have "fixed" what was wrong in our relationship. I've told him everything. I've told him how awful he had occasionally made me feel. All of the small minute things that he used to do that affected me in such huge ways.

I sometimes dream that we are attending our wedding day. I walk down the aisle, look up, and it's him.

It all feels so real....and then I wake up....

I wake up next to the man I've been with for going on 4 years. The man I love with all of my heart and fully intend to marry.

And I begin to feel so guilty...

My whole day is affected by these dreams. The guy that I try so hard to leave in my past, keeps finding his way back to me through my subconscious.

Do I miss him? Sometimes. But I can honestly tell you that I 100% DO NOT miss my relationship with him. I guess I miss him because I wonder how he's doing. I wonder if he's achieved the things he wanted in life. I wonder how his family is doing. Do they still go boating on the river? How's his firecracker of a little brother? I think he's due to graduate soon.

If you can't tell, I had one of these dreams last night.....and here is my day being affected by that stupid dream. Here I am thinking about a guy I dated throughout high school while sitting in a house that I share with my current boyfriend. Gosh I hate this...

#mental illness #mental awareness #subconscious #depression #overthinking

[just-overthinking-things]

Sometimes I legit feel like a drug addict.

I just spent the last little bit of money I had in my checking account to buy a slice of pie and a cookie.

My bills are all paid and I get paid this Friday of course (I'm not that naive or wreckless) but still. I didn't need it.

Many studies have shown that sugar is more addictive than cocaine and man do I believe it. I tried to cut out sugar once and got the worst migraine in the history of migraines. It.was.awful.

This pie is in fact delicious, but I've GOT to get a handle on things.

#sugar addict #sweets #mental illness #mental awareness

[just-overthinking-things]

Why do I feel the need to share everything on social media?

Is it because I crave the attention? Maybe a little. Is it because I think my voice matters? Sometimes. Or is it because I think I can help people by sharing my innermost thoughts? I think that's it.

I think that I feel like I must share everything just in the slight chance of helping someone.

But if that's the case then why do I share what I'm doing? Such as vacations and pictures of things? I mean, sure, sometimes I just want to share the beauty of God's creation, but am I also trying to brag? I don't think so, but isn't that also human nature?

I tell myself it's because many of my friends and family live far away and that they use social media to keep up with me. But it's become an addiction, and I often feel like I'm simply just an annoyance.

I try to take time away, but then I have a random thought that I think is helpful or hilarious and I just HAVE to share it. I then tell myself that "well if people don't like it, then they can just unfriend or unfollow me." But I don't want to be an annoyance. Maybe I do just want people to like me. 🤷‍♀️

I often just have SO MANY thoughts constantly rolling through my head and I need to get them out or they just nag and nag at me.

All of this is one of the main reasons that I got a Tumblr, so that I can just word vomit whenever I need to clear my head. Being human is complicated. Being a complex thinker is even more complicated.

#overthinking #anxious #social media #complex thinker

[just-overthinking-things]

Weightlifting has changed my life.

It all kind of started after working a very physically demanding job for a while. I looked in the mirror and saw muscles I had never seen on my body before.

My muscle mass had ALWAYS been in my lower body. My legs are strong as steel, but all of the sudden I was having these shoulder, back, and arm muscles pop up and I LOVED it.

It motivated me to get to the gym to keep up the momentum.

Now I'm a die hard gymaholic. I go 4 times a week to lift weights and do some light cardio. Some days I'm even showing up as soon as they open at 5AM. Days when I'm not lifting; I am walking, kayaking, or dancing along to Zumba on the Wii.

Ladies, I know we tend to shy away from weight lifting in fear of being judged, stared at, or we're scared of becoming too "manly" looking, but you have to trust me and just do it.

Do your research: YouTube, Instagram, Google, Pinterest. These are all tools I used to figure out what to do and where to start.

People will still stare, and thats because they aren't used to women being in the weight section, or bc your a boss chick who just looks darn good lifting those weights! Either way, everyone is at the gym for the same reason: self improvement. I can almost guarantee you that even if they are staring at you, there is no judgment going on.

#weightlifting #girls who lift #girls just want to have guns #fitness #fitblr #health & fitness #motivation #workout

[just-overthinking-things]

I have decided to ditch Weight Watchers. It wasn't a bad program, after all, I did lose 30lbs last year while on it. However, once I began going back to the gym, I felt that I wasn't getting the nutrients that I needed.

I have been a follower of the fitness community on Instagram for quite some time and all successful body builders or fitness gurus tend to all do the same: track their macros.

Tracking your macros also has the other name of "flexible dieting". I by no means want to be a body builder, but I do want to be lean and mean. I want to lose fat while also building muscle.

Macros are 3 things: protein, fats, and carbohydrates.

I began my macros journey today and was stunned when I realized just how much I could eat while sticking to the program (and just how much fat is in everything 😅)

So.much.protein!

I had been told by a dietician when I was in high school that I needed to watch my carb intake and eat lots of protein.

Guess I should have listened. Haha!

Let's see how this journey goes! I'm excited to be able to eat and nourish my body while also make it stronger. ❤💪

Day 1: February 21, 2021.

#health & fitness #motivation #nutrition #fat loss #lean and mean #operation love yourself #healthy lifestyle #macros

[just-overthinking-things]

Seasonal depression is real.

I never realized it until now because I thought I had my depression and anxiety under wraps, but I've been in a rut since November. The scale hasn't moved, I have no motivation, I feel the need to snack constantly, and I just feel gross.

I thrive when it's sunny and hot out. I love to feel the sun on my skin. I love to feel the sweat beading up on my face. It makes me feel new and healthy.

Currently, it's in the teens and snowing. We are expecting a winter storm (two actually) and honestly, I'm not ok. Normally I would be jumping for joy at the chance for some REAL snow, but this time I am ACHING for that Summer sun to come revive my soul.

Only 126 days until summer.....

#depression #seasonal depression #winter vibes #health & fitness #motivation #weight loss #summer baby

[just-overthinking-things]

Don't know if yall know this, but you're supposed to change out your vacuum filter on an annual basis.

It makes a world of difference (especially considering I hadn't changed mine in 7 years 😅🤣)

It runs like new!

#daily thoughts #neglectful homeowner #adulting #adulting advice #vacuum tips