i try to pretend im in love with being alive
i close my eyes while i drive sometimes
the all-consuming darkness eating longer and longer seconds of my vision
i make a point to 'forget' if ive taken my medication
the pills run out before the month ends
i let the throws of sleep overtake my form
the pleasant absence of thoughts
theres the chance that itll be the death of me
i think im disillusioned
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there is this unrelenting desire to be able to be loved
to be worthy of such a thing, to be desired enough to be gifted with it
i love like misshapen nail drove into a floorboard: long, messy, unable to be corrected unless completely removed
annoyingly and full-bodied deep
with everything and nothing less
it hurts when you trip into it
this desire plagues me, curdles inside my chest behind the sternum
it blooms in places that tortures the sweetest people in my life
therefore it also tortures me, but that is less important
i love like a oil spill: anyone who gets caught in it will inevitably suffer slowly and constantly
i love and i wish i could stop
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i want the ability to go over to someone’s house and simply sleep,
not to hangout, or to talk, just to sleep in their company,
i want to feel the safety of being watched for,
i want that closeness to simply rest.
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cant you be a little meaner? a little more tough with me?
i dont want to think about the way your fingertips are soft on my hands
or the way you dont ever wrap your arms around me too tight
this gentleness is terrifying in how foreign it feels
im used to the roughness of a flooded river
the raging of the waters against overflowing banks of sand
i almost want you to be cruel and dig your nails into my skin
to draw blood and enjoy it
but your softness is so beautiful
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we will carve out our names into old and broken branches
you hold the knife and dig it in hard while hold you steady
ill pretend i dont see the anguish written across your features
like a worn and loved journal page you know ive memorized by heart
and youll pretend that im not the one who needs to be held still
that you need those two hands on your shoulders
we will lay ourselves bare to the world on this night
but just not each other
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you are a forlorn song that i will only ever know one word of
we run on different roads that go the same way but never join
ive never wanted to kiss someone more in my life than i have you
but i cant ever fufill that wish
that dark wish that i wish would rot in my stomach
that would die out in some lonely corner
im so sorry that i want you like a star-crossed lover
youre my best friend and i love you
you are the brightest star in the sky that forms the wonderful constellations
the warmth on the coldest of winter nights
that call, that shoulder, that person i lean on
the person i love but can never have
you have no possibility of loving me back
no matter how much i wish you would
you arent gay
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its the beginning of the end
as i draw closer to the start of this it floods the senses
but at the risk of naming the beast the outlines will be blurry
this is the final year
the familiarity of shelter will depart as i do or dont
the people around me are going to leave for better places and im happy for them
i want to leave too
i want to stay
the friends ive grown to have will no longer be a walkable distance away
my legs will carry me to you but im trying to leave my destructive self behind
i love them but im afraid the distance will change us badly
that itll make us unrecognizable from the other despite our years together
and im afraid of leaving behind my small town
and im afraid ill never leave here
i dont want this to end because it has been so good to me
im so scared to finish this because it means i cant go back
you live once through and through but i never thought id make it this far
i thought i wouldnt still be here
that id never have to think this through or fear this
but i do and im here
and i am so so scared
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there is an animal under my skin
it crawls it crawls and it writhes
the imprisonment of itself suffocating and unwarranted
no sun no sky not even a hint of light
the inability to stretch once languid limbs
moving arms snagged on the unforgiving tautness
the entrapment of its form so brutal
personal hell without the blessing of death
the ensnaring of its soul
living is not living without warmth not fire
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you gave me your music to listen to
every part of it almost screams things i never knew about
i want to know you in the same way maggots want to eat
i am starving to feast on the knowledge of you
it would become something i need to survive
it has in a way
i am desperate to get under your skin
to see how you breathe, how your bones move
but not in practice, i am not that obsessive
it is words in words, for words’ sake
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i wanted this since i was eight and itll hurt me i know it does
but i need to know why the thorns cuts my legs and why they bleed such thick red drops
i run to you and lay my head in you lap
my legs are bleeding dont patch me up dont touch keep talking
let my bleed sink your knife into my chest and carve deeper and deeper
speak soft and when you pause to ask if i still want to know i will tell you ‘yeah’
keep digging it into me and ignore the blood that flood my lungs and runs down my nose
carve me right open on this couch that isnt ours but replaced the ones that used to be
where we both were defiled beyond repair and know you still weep that you were his angel that he loved you
and with blood soaked teeth i will tell you of ufos and aliens with blue light shining over me
and you tell me it was a man bathed in the blue of his porch light
he sucked the childhood right out of us and i wish that was a metaphor
i wish we were metaphors so this never happened
my throat is filling up with red from your wound and you stop but not because you saw the red but because there was no more to tell
and the carols were getting closer and my blood had stained your clothes
the man ruined us i cant touch anyone i cant be touched by anyone
except maybe you because his hands reached inside and pulled out all your parts and mashed them back in
your hand on my head doesnt burn like the boiling of his skin
the carols get closer and i want to bleed out on this couch in this room under your arms
but you wont let me go you wont let me die because im the only one who understands that man in the way you do too
youll keep that hand in my hair stroking down then back up then down once more
and we’d rot on that couch if we could but it is no longer the couch we were laid on
so clean up the blood stain and escape out the back door
because this was the way we were meant to be
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Me lose hell for me
could i not do it
for him? i spit it out then i’d tell
them the dreams that would lead me to
God
it doesn’t help
it’s three
after nine. late.
where the
ache lies
over clasped
hands.
could i not do it for him?
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the noise was never unpleasant please never worry about that
i could never hate you with any fiber of my being
despite the inherited rage that comes from all fathers
the kind that curdles all the love in your heart to red
but that wears off and leaves grey and gouged guilt in its stead
keep humming off-key i wont be mad
id still peel those oranges for you
pick them off sliver by sliver their skin staining my hands citrus
and place them gently in your palms
its a kiss without kissing you my little symbol of devotion
the noise was not unpleasant
please keep making it
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tell me you want me (for good, for now, for any length of time)
hold my hands while you speak as if thorns were buried in your tongue,
the words splintering themselves out of your mouth,
make it hurt to say
don’t leave me (for good, for now, for any length of time)
i am clinging to your forearms with my nails digging into your skin,
your feet planted firmly as the tears fall into your woolen shirt,
reciprocate those fearful motions
go (for good, for now, for any length of time)
look back from the door frame with your fingers hovering over it’s sides,
don’t let the familiar patterns of home make you dive in again,
no trace left behind
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theres moments i dont remember that youre gone
that youre still here in this house
making coffee cooking breakfast sleeping in the room over there
it sneaks up like a bad storm
you werent gone six months ago you were still here
in my head youre still here down in the south
loving the warm weather while you sat outside
you are laughing and dancing in the dining room
and smiling as your friends watch you
you are down at the beach with us
enjoying the sea
i speak in the present but youre in the past
youre so far away now
i barely remember what you sound like
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someone please call me and tell me its alright
that my words arent too heavy to speak or too light to matter
he called when i asked but then politely declined
he was my friend i hope and im so sorry to have ever wanted him as a lover
how do i fix this to go back to the before
please laugh and joke and call me please anyone
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what do you do when youre left with the blood on your hands that ist really there
i betrayed you i left you in that place i couldnt stay i couldnt stay
i wanted to stay but i never told you and i cant tell you now
how the fuck do i tell someone who i couldnt even face who i wasnt allowed to see one last time
im a coward but i miss you
i do i promise i do please believe me im begging you
i want to hear you say that you believe me i need you to say that you believe me
but you cant you fucking cant
i saw your son my uncle and he cried when he saw me
he was so sorry that he wasnt in my life more and i want you to know that he was so sorry
i dont even knwo if you remembered him but i still want you to know
he wasnt as tall as i remembered him being and i dont know why it hurt so bad to realize that
but he missed you he misses you he wished that he could be in your life again
but now he cant be in your life anymore because youre fucking
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the moment we entered the church it set in
when the adults left us in the venue alone to squander
while they lowered her down
she was dead she had been for four months
you didnt cry so i didnt either
we dont show ourselves like that
there was a door that swayed back and forth
no handle to open it if it closed or to shut it for good
a dedication written neatly and framed to a another woman
i wondered if she would get a room like that
a sad one with windows left dusty and uncleaned
she wouldnt get a room i knew that
it never felt like she was dead so it didnt hurt
it hurts now
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