juiceastronaut - Tumblr blog

juiceastronaut · 13 days

Text

Moxie took a breath in as he steadied the sniper rifle in his hand. A chill breeze cooled the back of his neck. He shivered, it surprised him even after all this time. Usually, hot air breathed down his neck, with pointy teeth following behind. This air calmed, bringing a freshness that carried the promise of safety. And he would break that promise shortly.

He exhaled and squeezed the trigger, watching through the scope as his target's head exploded in an array of confettied guts. Panic ensued in the street below, people running and screaming away from the thing that ruined their chance of having a peaceful day. His breath caught in his throat, a part of him still getting a thrill when he hit his target, feeling the satisfaction of a job well done roll pleasantly in his chest. He turned up to look at Blitz, only to find him sleeping with the Grimoire over his face to block out the sun.

Moxie sighed and walked over to him, coughing to try to get his attention. No answer. He tried, louder. No answer. Subtly kicking at his leg didn’t work to wake him, so Moxie took the Grimoire off of his face, folded it shut, and then promptly dropped it onto Blitz’s face.

“Ah, what fucking dick are you shitting me, Mox!” Blitz woke up with a start, flailing around before throwing the book off his head.

“What dick am I shitting you?” Moxie repeated, quirking an eyebrow.

“Shut the hell up, you know I’m no good at comebacks after a nap.” Blitz rubbed his eyes. “Why the hell did you wake me up?”

“I just killed the target, sir.”

“What?” Blitz said, crawling over to his binoculars and slithered to the side of the building, looking down, “Well, would you look at that. Looks like you can actually do something right.”

“You said that after I killed the last four targets.” Moxie walked over to where the Grimoire landed, dusting off the top of it, scoffing at the slight marks the drop had made on it.

“Well, you kill four more and I just might stop saying it,” Blitz walked over and slapped him on the back, making Moxie stumble.

Blitz took the opportunity to snatch the Grimoire out his hand, opening a portal back to their office and immediately stepping through. Moxie followed a moment behind, rubbing at his shoulder. Suddenly, his feet no longer touched the floor, and he was being held and spun around, kisses adorning his black freckles and breathless giggles leaving his mouth.

“Millie!” he said.

“Moxie!” she responded in kind, “How was it, did you kill that guy?”

“I did indeed! Right between the eyeballs!” Moxie mimed the shot he took.

Millie clapped in delight, “Great work, Mox!”

“Hey, no praise kink in the office,” Blitz called over his shoulder, throwing the Grimoire onto the couch next to Loona.

Looking up from her phone long enough to give him an eye roll, she got up and put it back in its safe before throwing herself down onto the couch again.

“Why, because my wife is actually acknowledging I’m competent at my job?” Moxie swung Millie around by her hips to glare at Blitz.

“Hey man, whatever gets your rocks off,” Blitz tugged his hand up and down, eyebrows wiggling, “But just so you know I’m charging for every bit of white I find on the blacklight.”

“I think you’d just be charging yourself then, sir” Moxie smirked.

Blitz barked out a laugh, right when the door to the office burst open, an outpour of shadow spilling over the entrance.

“I was a good person. Before it all went down…” a voice crept along the black tendrils.

“Okay, hello to you too, bitch.” Blitz spun around in his office chair, kicking his feet up on the desk, “You know usually the villain speech comes at the height of the episode's third act. Kills the impact if you don’t build it properly.”

A purple demon slowly sauntered into the center of the room. Millie stepped out in front of Moxie, not because she didn’t think he could handle himself, but still wanted to be the one to protect him. Loona looked up from her phone, holding it in her hand, waiting for the appropriate moment to tuck her chin back down to look at it.

“I was good my entire life…”

Blitz leaned forward to rustle around in the desk before producing a clipboard with paper, and a pen, “You know, we have handy-dandy forms for this. Name, date of death, social security. There’s a super-fucking-cool box where you can describe the person you want offed, and the greatest part is that I don’t have to continue having, whatever the fuck this is, anymore. Trust the I.M.P process!”

The woman paused, regarding the clipboard. Blitz shimmied it enticingly. Instead, she reached into the collar of her shirt and produced a picture, handing it to him.

“Alright, but I’m calling you Grimace Milkers until you tell me your name.” Blitz took the picture. “So you want us to kill a family, huh? Good, the kids can’t run with how small their stubby legs are.” Blitz walked his two front fingers back and forth on the desk, flipping the picture forward at the same time in his other hand.

“A family?” The word fell like a ball from Moxie’s tongue.

Before he realized it, his hand tightened around his gun, where he should’ve known better than to have his finger around the trigger, but he forgot to move it after showcasing his kill to Millie. A shot rang out across the office, and everyone dived out of the way to avoid the bullet that ricocheted off every corner of the room. Suddenly, it found its home in the tank of eels Blitz just had to buy for some reason. Predictably, the tank shattered into a million pieces, scattering the eels on the floor. Less predictably, the eels started humming with electricity and the entire room burst into flames, the thick smoke immediately burning at the back of Moxie’s lungs.

“Goddamnit Moxie, I just bought those eels!” Blitz shouted while everyone ran around frantically to put the fire out.

“Moxie quit shaking, you’re gonna shoot our only hellhound.” Millie leaned on Moxie’s back.

He took a breath to steady his breathing, recentering his gun at the picture of the family that Loona was holding with one hand, scrolling on her phone with the other.

“Wow, I feel soooo loved here,” Loona didn’t take her eyes off her phone, teeth curling into a slight snarl.

“But…it’s a family,” Moxie protested, “I just don’t understand why we have to kill a human family.”

Millie shrugged, “Well, if that’s what the client wants.”

“I mean, if it was a shitty Dad, sure…or a mob family. That’s understandable.” Moxie did an Italian gesture, going into a slight accent. He looked off into the distance, lost in thought for a moment.

“Hey!” Loona sat up quickly, pointing at the picture, “You gonna let this bourg-ASS-sie family continue their reign of terror on the neighborhood they’re trying to set up an HOA in? Little Timmy here burns ants while his sister makes fun of people's weight. Their mom brings oatmeal cookies to the PTO meetings, and the Dad watches professional rugby. You’re really going to stand by that?”

“Did that family really do all that?” Moxie raised an eyebrow.

“Well, no, but are you going to wait around until they do?”

“The hellhound has a point.” Millie nooks a thumb at her. “Guilty and innocent aren’t our business, Mox, killing who we’re paid to is. Take out the target.”

Loona rolled her eyes, then went back to scrolling on her phone.

“I’m just saying, with our exclusive access to the sinner's realm, we can afford to be a bit more selective, now. That’s all–”

Blitz kicked down the door to his office, bringing out a case that was about the size of himself, notching the phone that was still connected to the landline back on his desk.

“Don’t worry Grimace-Milkers, we’ll get that skank in less than twenty-four hours or your first kill is free! That’s the Immediate Murder Professional promise!” The line reached its limit, and it whipped back to the desk, not before whacking Blitz in the eye first.

“When did we start implementing that rule?” Moxie started gathering his crossbow and packing it away, trading it out for his sniper rifle.

Blitz straightened up and waltzed over to him, squeezing his cheeks in both of his hands, “When you set FIRE to my OFFICE you fucking piece of SHIT.” He dropped Moxie to turn to Loona, voice immediately changing, “Loona, sweetie, do you have that book by any chance?”

“You mean, the only way you can do your job? Oh, wait a minute–” Loona starts looking around like she didn’t have it, with Blitz getting an increasingly panicked look on his face, “Oh that’s right, it’s right there next to you.” She pointed to the front desk, and sure enough, the book sat right within reach of Blitz, “Got it out when you told me you were getting ready for a mission.”

Blitz breathed a sigh of relief, “Oh, thank you, sweetie.” He picked up the book and tucked it under his arm. “Alright, let’s go lick some ass!” Blitz dug around for a piece of chalk, then opened a portal to the human realm on the office door.

“You mean, kick some ass?” Millie provided.

“Eh, if we can.” Blitz walked through.

Millie bounded behind Blitz, and Moxie realized he was not getting out of this.

“Aw, fuck,” he sighed, following behind his wife.

They came out right by the address that the client had provided. The sun was setting, casting an orange glow over the property, and something in Moxie’s chest released when seeing the serene countryside. The wood cabin made the whole thing almost picture-esque, and with each step, the weapon that he carried felt heavier and heavier.

He jumped when Millie put a hand on his shoulder.

“You want to step in for this one?” She held his face for a moment.

“I–I think I’m alright. You’re right, anyway. Nobody’s without sin.” He got out his rifle and clicked it into place. Normally an extension of himself, now it sat heavy in his hands. He resisted the urge to vomit.

Blitz stopped his walking, forcing Moxie to run into him, “Well, Mox, if you’re not feeling up to kill number six, I guess I can take it out of your hands.” He motioned for the gun.

Moxie might have taken him up on that if Blitz’s tone hadn’t been dripping with sarcasm. As it was he felt defiance curling around his lips as he scoffed away from him.

“Look, killing a family shouldn’t be too hard. I’ve done worse.”

“Oh, Moxie, you’re not killing a family. You’re killing a mother!” Blitz winked and gave Moxie a thumbs up, “You’re ruining a family.”

“Wait, what?” Moxie turned.

“Oh, yeah, something something, cheating bitch fucked her husband, yadda yadda, she attacked her with a bear trap, yadda yadda, fought until daylight, something something, coma for two years. Woke up, national hero, millionaire, MLM scam, apology, charity donation, something or other. Family.” Blitz twirled his hand around while he summarized the client’s case, “So, just the mother, essentially.”

That should have made it easier. Moxie crawled up to the window and peered through, aiming his rifle at the Mom’s head, right within shot, they seemed to be having dinner. An objective “sin” this woman has committed, she deserved hell, or at least he knew for a fact she’d end up there.

He aimed at her head, blonde locks flowing down past the bandage tied around her forehead. The overly saccharine look in her eye should have told him something was wrong, they seemed too perfect to be real. He cocked the gun, squeezing his finger around the trigger. He saw her turn to walk away, and he caught the hint of a white heel peeking out from underneath her blue jeans.

Too late to turn back, he threw his shot, jerking his firearm up. The bullet landed in one of the pictures in the back. The four heads of the nuclear family swiveled towards Moxie, and he felt when the masks on each dropped. They each produced a gun, even the children, and they had wide grinning teeth as they crawled towards the window.

Yanked down by his coattails, Moxie landed face-first into the dirt, and after spitting out two-inch cut grass from his mouth, he faced a very angry Blitz.

“Moxie, what the hell was that? I know you don’t fuck up that bad.”

A shot rang out from the window, and a cascade of broken glass rained down on them, catching the final rays of the sun, glistening.

“I-I don’t know, I–” Moxie started hyperventilating.

“Let’s get some meat for our stew tonight, kids. Let's teach them what we do when someone trespasses.” A voice, presumably the father’s, called out from above them.

Blitz lurched forward and covered Moxie’s mouth, “Shit.”

He started dragging the both of them away. On a hill close by, Millie waved at them, holding the book in one hand, chalk in the other. An open portal stood next to her. Blitz, half dragging Moxie, made a beeline for her.

Bright headlights caught the corner of Blitz’s eyes, and he barrel-rolled with Moxie before they got run over by a four-wheeler. The two kids giggled as they revved the engine, popping a wheelie before turning around again.

“Shit.” Blitz veered into the closest woods, looking behind to see Millie following behind them, “Shit Moxie, you have no idea how much you fucked us! And not even in a fun way!”

Moxie turned around in time to catch Millie diving into a nearby lake, the father brandishing his gun, looking around. He worried for her obviously, but he knew she would be fine. His legs felt less wobbly now, and he started matching pace with Blitz.

Millie crept up from underneath the dock, knife in mouth, waiting to hear the creak of weight shift above her. Finally, she heard it, a bit to the left; crawling out the opposite way. She brandished the knife along with a toothy grin, watching the man start and stumble his footing. She lunged towards him and brought the knife into his chest, and then again, and again, over and over as he fell into the water. She leaped before she followed him down, watching the water slowly ink red, his body sinking. Though she knew in a while he’d rise to the surface again, granted in death effortlessly what those drowning fight their last moments for. She turned, not seeing either Blitz or Moxie.

“Oh, Moxie, I love you…but for fuck’s sake.” Millie rang out her clothes and took off towards the woods.

Several shots whizzed above their heads as they both scuttled through the underbrush. Reloading his rifle proved difficult under an onslaught of bullets. He turned towards Blitz, right as one of the bullets caught his arm, blasting the underbrush with a coat of yellow blood.

“Fuck!” Blitz cried out before he could stop himself, falling to his knees.

A light, feminine voice whistled through the trees, “Aw, did I get one of you’s? I guess you’d better think twice before trespassing again, wouldn’t you? Or~ I could show you what happened to the last person that trespassed.”

“Blitz!” Moxie ran up, tucking himself under Blitz’s arm, but he pulled away before he could support him.

“Moxie, keep going.”

“But sir, I don’t want to leave you!” Moxie protested.

“Moxie, being a good person is how you got into this fucking mess, just fucking listen before that bitch fucking raws us with no lube!”

Another shot. Moxie shoved Blitz, who protested with a pained whine, tucking themselves under a bush.

“I’ll create a distraction, I need you to get ahead of her, get a clear shot. Okay? And don’t fucking miss this time!” Blitz snarled, sitting up.

“Okay! I won’t.” Moxie crawled out, taking one last look at Blitz and bolting ahead.

Blitz dragged himself up enough to keep running, the woman seemed to have no short supply of bullets and a reload time of a soldier, the shots kept ringing out with no break or end. Blitz tried to fight the feeling of being hunted, he was just the distraction she couldn’t actually hurt him. At least he told himself while he hid behind a tree and covered his mouth to hide his heavy breathing, arm throbbing in time with his heart.

Almost getting it under control, he started ducking back down to the underbrush, when his phone started ringing. Jumping clear out of his skin, he whipped it out, and almost dropped it a few times before he looked at the caller ID.

It was Stolas.

His chest still tightened when he saw who it was, and he thought he had every right to not pick up right at this moment. But he did anyway, because it was Stolas.

“Stolas, now is a really fucking bad time,” he whispered, plugging his ear.

“Well, when isn’t it, Blitzy-” Stolas drawled through the line, sounding as pleased as a plum.

The dichotomy of how casual Stolas sounded and the current, well, hellscape he currently occupied right now made Blitz’s head hurt. Or maybe that was his arm.

“-I’ve been meaning to follow up on our last little conversation, regarding my Grimoire?”

The first part of Stolas’ sentence finally registered, “What did you just call me?”

“The book, Blitzy-”

Not his question.

“-the one I was given to do my job? The one I’m allowing you to use to do yours?”

The back of Blitz’s neck tingled, and he ducked. The tree above him exploded into a thousand splinters, and he heard the woman chuckling. His feet carried him away before his brain did, still hearing that sickly-sweet voice following him.

“I can hear you, darling.”

“Shit,” The plan was already fucked, and this time not by Moxie.

Stolas’ voice still permeated his phone, “Anyhoo, no biggie, merely want to point out the fact I’ve been–” A small, almost sheepish laugh, “-allowing you to use the Grimoire less than legally, but I do need it back to fulfill my duties. So why don’t we work out an exchange~?”

The uptilt to the word “exchange” didn’t register to Blitz, as he ducked down to avoid another shot.

Stolas continued, “Favors for favors? The allocation of my book comes unadulterated, of course, but maybe this way it can come across, less…uncordial per se, and more enticing.”

Another shot.

“You have to stop using your fancy-ass rich people talk, okay? I’m trying to concentrate on not getting fucked in my a–”

A white heel stepped out from behind a tree, and bouncy blonde hair followed afterward. Blitz skidded to a stop, then bolted in the opposite direction, his pursuer hot on his tail.

A sense of bravery entered Stolas’ voice, “Well then, allow me to make it clear for you…I don’t need it that often, only once every month on the full moon, if you bring it then you can have it the rest of the time. And since we’ll be meeting anyway~” His voice cracked a bit, “Well, a night of passionate fornication would feel inevitable, hmm? Sounds fair, my little imp?” Stolas’ popped the last syllable on ‘imp.’

Blitz peered out from behind a tree, seeing the woman stalking, her eyes practically growing red in the fading sun, “Okay, fine, whatever!” He turned away

Stolas sounded excited now, “Oh Blitzy! I’m so excited, I can’t wait to–”

Cold metal found its way underneath Blitz’s chin, and he looked up to see the woman staring down at him, grin toothy and wide. She dragged the gun up his throat, lifting him off the ground a bit.

“Okay, I really do need to hang up now.” Blitz choked out, clicking off.

Stolas smiled as he hung up his phone in the back next to him. Sinking further down in the bubbles, he wrapped his arms around himself, giggling slightly at how lost for words Blitz sounded.

Back on Earth, Blitz was less lost in his words, and more held captive of them.

“Ohh, so you’re a little devil, huh? Come to drag me and my kin back to hell? Well, not today, Satan!” She grinned, grabbed Blitz by his horns, and dragged him away.

For a mortal woman, she was really hard to shoot. Moxie followed behind her in the trees, but whenever he had a clear shot, Blitz would dart in the opposite direction, and she inevitably chased after him. What was the endgame here? A slight movement came from the tree branch next to him, and he swiveled around the point of his gun at it.

Millie blinked at him with glowing yellow eyes.

“Millie!” Moxie reached out and pulled her in, kissing her briefly, “That guy was no trouble, I take it?”

“None whatsoever!” She fist bumped.

Headlights shone out from underneath them, and the maniacal laughter of children in heavy machinery whipped by them, towards a point further into the woods.

“Where’s Blitz?”

“I think that woman got him. Let’s go.”

The both of them hopped down and ran towards where the four-wheeler had gone.

“Satan, we return your filthy creatures back to the pits of hell! May the root of evil remain honored as we continue thy work!” The woman brandished a flaming torch, as her children finished tying Blitz to the center of the wooden stake.

“Did you have that just locked and ready, or did you have to Google that one first?” Blitz quipped, struggling against the ropes. “You know that implies you’re working for Satan, right? So it wouldn’t make much sense why you’d want to kill us.”

The woman looked at him, then threw her torch onto the kindling below him. He struggled for a moment, as the flames crept higher and higher, wincing as if in pain. Completely engulfed in moments, he gave out a few mock sounds of pain but quickly grew tired of it.

“Aw fuck this.” He slumped back.

The woman, who had been grinning and laughing with her children, stopped. “What in the–”

“Yeah, that’s not exactly how it works lady. Your fire doesn’t exactly hurt me. But I can always fake it if that’ll get your dick hard.” He wiggled his eyebrows.

“Oh…well I guess I’ll just shoot you then.” She brought her gun back out.

“That would be more effective!” He exclaimed before he caught what he said, “Oh wait, fuck–”

“Blitz!” Millie shouted, jumping down from the treetop, side-swiping the woman as she pulled the trigger, the shot ringing up into the air.

Moxie stepped out from behind a nearby tree, pulled out his gun, and in one fluid motion, shot her as she went down. She twitched once before going limp. Her kids went to make their way towards her, but Millie stood up, bringing out her claws and making it seem like she would lunge at them.

“Boo!” she yelled.

They screamed and ran back into the dark.

Millie turned back to Moxie, who was cleaning out his rifle, “Well done baby! You kinda goofed in the middle there, but you got it done eventually!” She ran over and started nuzzling his cheek. Startled for a moment, he returned it a second later.

“Oh, yeah, I’m fine!” Blitz yelled, still tied to the burning stake.

“Sorry, sir.” Moxie went over and untied him, tucking himself underneath his arm. “I compromised our objective and put us in harm's way–” He looked at Millie, “It won’t happen again.”

“Apology accepted!” Blitz swiveled and pulled Moxie into a hug, “But you’re not getting your goddamn paycheck for this one.” Blitz pulled away, “Alrighty, job well done! Now let’s get off.”

“Give me a moment. I left something at the house.” Moxie turned and ran off.

Putting away the horse that he got out, Blitz opened his phone again, nodding to Moxie.

Darkness hung through the air like a cloud. Moxie crept over broken glass and shards before going to the phone. Two children, orphaned in less than an hour, and no one to take care of them. Someone needed to know what happened.

Stealing his breath from the air, he clicked a button. Something flittered on in the background, causing him to shriek and drop the device. He clicked another button, now a different sound. He started cursing, pushing the buttons at random, not knowing what he did wrong. It would be an embarrassingly long time before he realized this in fact, was not a phone to summon 911.

When he made his way back to the group, Blitz was standing in front of the portal with Millie.

“Good wank?”

“Excuse me?”

“Look, I don’t care where you cum in the living world, just come to your job on time, okay? See you at the office!” Blitz pinched his cheek before dashing into the portal.

Millie walked up to him, “You doing okay, sweetie?”

“Better now, honey. I just needed time to process….” He looked towards a leaf that was stamped out on the ground next to him.

Millie grabbed his hand in both of hers, “You want to tell me what that was about?” She tilted her head.

The smile he gave her took effort, “Maybe eventually. Let’s just go home right now.”

“Okay…” She nuzzled his head, “You’ve got a good heart Mox, just a fuzzy head.”

Moxie walked towards the portal and took one last look back before he entered. He saw a singular police car, flashing blue and red lights, and a man walking up to the front of the house, giving a curt knock, before finding it unlocked and stepping inside.

Moxie smiled and walked through the portal.

#this is a rough draft of the first chapter #so my beta can read it #final chapter will be posted on a03 when its read #feel free to critique it before it goes up!

0 notes