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jeontaehui · 2 years

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mistakes like this

summary maybe mark read the signs wrong, or maybe taehee was too stubborn to see what was right in front of her. either way, both experience their first heartbreak right in each other’s hands.

featuring mark, haechan, doyoung, heejin, jeno, former smrookies trainees, mentions of jiyeon and jaehyun

words 14.3k

note + warning dialogues in complete italics are in english while the rest are in korean (some were just italicized for emphasis but you’ll get the gist). there are also mentions of alcohol and death threats, but not too heavy, as well as bullying, a bit of family angst because taehee talks about her family in the later parts — please skip those if you’re uncomfortable with these topics. the events in this post do not reflect the idols, names, and other prominent figures mentioned in real life. this is purely a work of fiction.

I. OCTOBER 30, 2021 IN THE NEW NCT 127 DORM

mark was never one for baking. although some may consider cooking as a much more difficult task, his unfamiliarity with the unlabeled ingredients makes everything look the same in his eyes.

clutching the cup of baking soda in one hand and a wooden spoon in the other, the young man releases a defeated sigh. “i am not picking up another hobby alone ever again,” he mumbles to himself.

before he could even process what he was doing, his right hand puts the spoon down and reaches for his phone on the edge of the counter. he scans through his contacts to look for taehee’s, his eyes gleaming with delight when he reads joanie on his screen.

“hello?” taehee answers on the second ring, and at hearing her voice, mark feels the pace of his heartbeat quicken, “mark?”

“are you doing anything right now?” he asks somewhat sweetly, shifting his weight on one foot as he scans the instructions on the box again. he’s hoping she isn’t doing anything so he could call her over and they’d bake—

“i’m working on something in the studio,” there’s a slight downturn in her tone when she replies as if she was sorry for being busy, “is it important?”

mark unknowingly pouts, and from the other end of the line, taehee holds back a chuckle when she hears it in a form of a low hum. even if she’s expressed it countless of times, she genuinely thinks her best friend is so cute.

but this time, it felt different.

the hopeless smile she has on suddenly morphs into a shocked expression. is it me or is it hot in here? she couldn’t believe she’s acting like a lovestruck fool over her best friend just a second ago.

“not really,” mark’s voice quickly snaps her out of her moment, “not really...? i mean...”

why was admitting he’s such a loser in baking an embarrassing thing to do, he thinks. unfortunately for him, taehee knows him all too well. “mark,” she calls out, concealing her laughter on the other end, “just spit it out.”

“is it okay to use normal sugar instead of powdered sugar?”

silence. mark is met with silence from the other line and he almost slaps himself at how stupid he sounded. shyness creeping into him, he awkwardly chuckles into the phone, “taehee—”

“you called me,” she said, punctuating every syllable, “to ask that?”

“they’re saying a bunch of different things on the internet!”

“mark!” taehee whines, the amusement in her tone causing the boy to laugh at himself too. he knows he could’ve picked whatever site he could find and blindly follow it. mark also knows he could’ve just trusted the instructions on the box and looked for the aforementioned powdered sugar in their kitchen. but instead of lying to himself, he admits that he simply just wanted to hear her voice after not seeing her the whole day. he’s hoping taehee gets the hint.

and he’s been trying for months ever since that day on the beach. if being affectionate with her, telling her sweet words, and not backing away from longing stares even if his heart was going to burst could not get the message across, he decides he needed to be more persistent.

“use powdered sugar, mark,” taehee tells him almost softly, trying to hide her adoration for him through her voice. “or do you need help finding that too?” she teases him with a chuckle, laughing wholeheartedly when her best friend admits to her question.

“they usually keep it in the drawer next to where you found the baking soda.”

“oh, it’s not there. i’ve looked already.”

“try asking doyoung hyung.”

“he said we didn’t have any.” mark freezes in his spot when he was quick to answer, like he’s been caught doing something wrong — actually — been caught doing something that would make him sound incredibly hopeless in front of the person he likes the most. yes, that’s definitely it.

but then again, taehee’s too oblivious to notice. “then i guess you’d have to go grocery shopping. oh! let’s go together, i have to buy some groceries too.”

“right now?” mark stutters, eyes wide that they’d bulge out of its sockets.

the person on the other end of the line swivels in her office chair and hums, “tomorrow, if that’s okay?” the boy sighs, he didn’t know why he acted so surprised over it. the effect she had over him, god.

“yeah, we can go tomorrow before the halloween party starts.”

“oh right!” taehee gasps excitedly, looking forward to what they’d be doing for halloween the following day. “okay, spiderman. we can go tomorrow.”

a breathy laugh exits mark at her statement. the fans don’t know it yet but he’s sure they’d love to see spidermark, as they’ve coined it, for the next day’s event.

he hears a sudden ding from the other end of the line. “oh, i’ve just got a text from jiyeon unnie. i’ll see you tomorrow?”

mark nods even if he knew how taehee couldn’t see him; how she couldn’t see the millions of stars that have just lit up in his eyes with just being on the phone with her, but she doesn’t need to know that.

“yup. okay, bye! love you.”

the phone call ends and the two go back to their own activities. mark packs up the ingredients in their dorm while taehee gathers her things in her bag in the company’s studio. it’s only when he puts back the baking soda and she steps inside the elevator do they only realize what he had said when they bid each other goodbye on the phone minutes ago.

and as if a red string tied around their pinkies connected them to one another, both of their hearts race at the memory.

mark couldn’t wrap his mind around what he had just said. his mouth parts open as he drags his eyes down to the floor and winces, a normal reaction when he or his members do something embarrassing in front of the camera. he was nervous, hoping taehee didn’t pick up on it. but at the same time, it felt...good. he felt great, like he was finally able to tell her what he felt. realizing this, mark grins quietly to himself before finally closing the cabinet door.

meanwhile, taehee doesn’t know if the frantic pace of her heart is a good thing or a bad thing. friends say i love you, right? she thinks to herself, close friends do. best friends do. she couldn’t ignore the warm feeling that envelopes her as she replays his words again. they’ve said it to each other in the past – during interviews, gameshows, filming. it should be a norm between them by now considering the time they’ve spent together over the years, but it feels different now.

“you’re overthinking it,” taehee mumbles to herself, “it means nothing.”

and with a final exhale, the girl tries to shake any more thoughts of mark — and his eyes and his voice and his friendly ‘i love you’s’ — out of her head before stepping out of the elevator.

II. DECEMBER 17, 2014 IN THE OLD SM ENTERTAINMENT BUILDING

taehee remembered the night heejin told her she was planning to leave the company. they were on their way home, riding the same old bus they took everyday to and from training; the same old bus they took together from place to place.

there were five of them in the beginning, and she thought she was content with that, but then they became twelve — she felt like she couldn’t get any happier. nut just when she thought she had almost everything she had wished for, unexpected news caused them to break away little by little. twelve became ten, then ten became seven, five, until she and heejin were the only ones left.

“what label was it again?”

“blockberry creative,” heejin trailed off, seeming hesitant as she avoided taehee’s gaze in fear of being judged, “i just feel like i’d do better there.” guilt filled her stomach when she said this, but the older girl’s reply caught her off guard and caused her to meet with her gaze.

“then go.” she didn’t sound bitter nor was she mad. she said it as softly as a mother could tell her child to go play with their friends. instead of seeing her lips forced into a straight line, heejin took note of how they were instead slightly curved upwards into a smile. it’s obvious to say there’s a slight tear in taehee’s heart at present, but her encouragement felt the most genuine to heejin.

“you want me to go?” heejin slowly asked, and taehee somehow found it adorable to see her big doe eyes looking up at her innocently.

“if you think it’s right and it will make you happy, of course.”

the same proud smile stays on taehee’s lips the morning heejin hauls her bags outside their dorm, clutching her tote bag in one arm and some important documents in the other. the cold winter air does nothing to soothe the internal ache taehee feels at the moment.

“i guess this is it,” heejin tells her, before adding a chuckle by the end of her sentence to lighten up the atmosphere. it comes off as awkward though.

playing along, taehee’s grin widens and her arms open up for a hug, “my heejinie.”

the younger trainee gladly throws her own pair of limbs around her neck, pressing her cheek on taehee’s shoulder amidst the drops of snow falling on the tip of her nose. “i’m gonna miss you,” her voice is muffled by the thick sweater taehee has on which causes her to giggle.

the sound makes the slightly taller girl press her cheek more lovingly on the side of heejin’s head, and she sways them gently side to side, pouting, “i’ll miss you a lot, too, heejin-ah.” they relish in the moment for a few more seconds, savoring the little time they have together before they could see each other again.

taehee is the first one to pull away as she cups heejin’s cheeks with her gloved hands, “take care of yourself, okay? do your best but don’t push it, got it?”

“i should be the one telling you that,” the latter grins, the appearance of her adorable pearly whites reminding taehee of a bunny. she’ll miss seeing it everyday.

the older girl opens her mouth to retort but her alarm cuts her off. “we—“ she quickly stops herself before rephrasing her sentence, “i mean, i need to go.” all heejin could do now was stop herself from tearing up.

she loves the winter, but now it leaves a bittersweet stain in her heart as a reminder of the time she developed feelings for a certain someone and the day she left this person on her own. “we’ll meet again, right?” she tries to reassure the both of them.

“of course,” taehee smiles, also assuring the other that, “this isn’t enough to separate us.” she hopes it’s enough to mask her sadness at their parting. so after bidding each other goodbye, taehee watches as heejin’s figure gets smaller and smaller as she walks down the street.

once she’s rounded a corner, taehee starts to take her own steps to the bus stop alone, riding the bus she was so familiar with to the company alone. all the other trainees wondered where her friends were and why she was entering the practice room alone.

she couldn’t eat lunch. she knows she’ll start to miss them more the longer she sat there eating whatever they had on the menu today. she spent all day practicing, only stopping for a quick water break or a trip to the bathroom. yet it was so hard to focus with everything that’s been happening lately.

when she was on her way back to the practice room, she was too caught up in her own thoughts to notice mark heading towards her.

“oh, taehee!” the boy exclaimed, his cheekbones rising when he gives her a delighted smile.

she quickly meets his gaze once she hears her name, and as best as she could, she tried to mirror his bright grin. unfortunately for her, mark knows her all too well. “are you feeling alright?” he asks concerned, not quite believing her when she nods yes.

“noona!” jeno, as well as donghyuck, were there too, “are you practicing? where are the others?”

only mark was the only one to notice how taehee’s smile faltered before she forced it back up. “yeah, i am,” she replies weakly, “i’m on my way back actually.”

“are you with heejin?” haechan expertly inserts himself into the conversation, putting an arm around mark as he gave the older girl a bored expression, “she owes me lunch over a bet we had the other week but i haven’t seen her since!”

“donghyuck, that wasn’t even worth betting on.”

“it was a game, jeno. it’s literally the only thing we can bet on,” the boy deadpans, not noticing the tight lipped look on taehee’s face at the mention of her friend. “besides, she agreed to it! but now i’m starting to think she’s avoiding me because of our deal.”

taehee wishes that was the case, maybe then she wouldn’t feel so depressed when the three boys all shift their gazes towards her as they expect her to tell them about heejin’s whereabouts.

“she left,” is what taehee tells them, shifting her weight from one foot to the other nervously, “she switched companies.”

jeno and haechan couldn’t stop their jaws from dropping at the revelation, and mark now knows why his best friend seemed so down during their whole encounter.

she raises both her brows and gives them another plastered smile before excusing herself, stepping aside to start her journey back to the practice room. “i’ll go practice now,” they hear her say meekly, too shocked to reply as they watched her retreating figure disappear behind the corner.

when the clock struck nine, taehee decides it’s time to go home. normally, she would keep practicing until the later hours of the night but seeing as she spent all of her energy with little breaks in between, she wants nothing more than to just lay in her bed and fall asleep.

in her now quiet, empty, lonely dorm.

with tired limbs, her feet drag her to the door and she switches the lights off. she couldn’t help but scream when she steps out of the room, the dimly lit hallway making a fifteen-year-old mark look like a ghostly shadow than a normal human being.

“what the hell, mark, you scared me!” taehee breathes out, switching in between english and korean out of panic. her wide eyes and the hand on her chest makes mark burst into laughter, he didn’t mean to scare her that bad.

“i’m sorry, i didn’t mean to,” the boy laughs quietly, pushing himself off the wall with his foot before closing the door behind a shellshocked taehee. “you could have at least made a sound,” she scoffs, stopping the corners of her own lips from forming into a grin when she sees mark’s amused one.

“i’ll make sure to knock next time,” mark reassures her with a chuckle as he hooks his thumbs on the straps of his backpack. he tilts his head to the left as a gesture for them to start leaving, “you ready to go?”

“yeah— wait, what are you doing here?”

“i’m accompanying you home.” mark states as if it were the most obvious thing in the world, causing taehee’s brows furrow at his statement, “don’t you go home with donghyuck usually?”

“he went ahead with jeno. i just wanted to practice more, i guess,” he lies. they both know how the label is strict with their buddy policy and donghyuck wouldn’t dare to go against it even if he was exhausted down to the bone. that’s why he couldn’t count on his own two hands the amount of times he begged mark to stop practicing so they could go home and rest. donghyuck always retold the story in such a funny way.

but taehee doesn’t dive deep into it. “oh,” she says simply, and mark can’t help but cheer on the inside when she steps closer to his hide, leading their walk down the hallway, “let’s go then.”

though silence is all that dwelled on them on their way down, it didn’t feel awkward after being close friends for so long. “the snow is pretty,” mark comments with a content sigh once they reach the bus stop, outstretching his gloved palm to catch the snowflakes that melted on it upon contact. he doesn’t hear taehee reply, but he knows she heard him when he meets eyes with her, a genuine but solemn smile dressing her lips. “it’s your birthday in ten days,” he notes.

“oh, right.”

“aren’t you excited?”

“i think we should look forward to christmas first,” taehee chuckles, breaking eye contact with him when she sees the headlights of the bus she was so familiar with approaching.

“but you’re turning sixteen! isn’t that one of those special birthdays for girls?” he chats behind taehee, letting her board the bus first so he could follow. she only replies once she’s found their seat. “i guess so,” taehee hugs her backpack closer as she hums, “but i don’t think it would be as special as they make it out to be.”

mark didn’t have to ask why. he could only imagine what taehee’s feeling after having her hopes of debuting crushed when the label announced that they would be discontinuing loona. to add to that, she had to watch each of her friends leave one by one, finding other opportunities for them to help pursue their dream. he also didn’t need to ask why she didn’t want to leave too, or go home even, knowing she’ll be disappointed if she quit so early. he’s glad she still has that spark of hope within her at least.

“that’s not true,” mark murmurs next to her.

taehee’s eyes widen a fraction when he looks back at her with a genuine gaze. no matter how hard she tried, it is immensely difficult not to get caught up in his stare. she feels something warm inside her, feeling the heat rush up to her cheeks, but she doesn’t know what it means. “we’ll make it special. you still have me,” the young boy continues, “and i’m not going anywhere even if…”

“even if you decide to leave too,” like an unspoken promise in between them, they stayed by each other’s side through everything. she opened her heart up to him, trusting in his word, and he did the same.

III. NOVEMBER 1, 2021 IN SEOUL, SOUTH KOREA

mark is not drunk.

he is not drunk; not even in the slightest bit. well, maybe he is a little tipsy, but hey, he can still walk.

yet like the lovestruck fool he has fully succumbed into after pining over his best friend for almost a year, he lets taehee lead him to her car with delicate fingers placing a secure hold on his arm that was wrapped around her shoulders, while the other was keeping him close to her by the waist.

“we’ll go ahead!” he hears taehee shout to the others, and he pulls off the ‘i-can-barely-walk-because-i-had-too-much-to-drink’ act so well that he could almost feel the amused smirk johnny sports when he waves goodbye to the two of them.

not ten seconds later, mark is already seated in the passenger’s seat, leaning comfortably on the leather. he fails to notice the look taehee gives him as she reaches over to click his seatbelt in place — a look filled with so much affection that you’d mistake them for lovers right then and there.

but they aren’t.

the faint smell of alcohol mixed with the cologne mark wore to the party makes taehee dizzy. she immediately pulls away when the boy on the passenger’s seat pretends to stir, causing her to let out a light scoff, shaking her head playfully at her best friend’s antics. she wastes no time getting into the driver seat of the car, and after checking that she had everything with her, she starts the drive back to the dorm.

“you can stop pretending, mark.”

the groan that erupts from the back of his throat causes taehee to release a wholehearted laugh, delighted that she got him to admit to the act right away.

“i’m not drunk,” mark still hasn’t opened his eyes yet, but he knows taehee well enough to picture her raising an eyebrow at his argument, “i am just tipsy as hell.”

taehee gives him an unconvinced hum, “and you had me carry you all the way to the car.”

“it’s not like i asked.”

“you were like, begging for it.”

“am not.”

“we were together the whole time and you still wanted to take the ride home with me?” her cocky tone almost reminds mark of haechan. he swears the younger boy’s antics are rubbing off on her, “just admit that you’re in love with me.”

and for the nth time that week, taehee feels the familiar burst of warmth in her chest again, glancing briefly to mark in the passenger seat before shifting her eyes back on the road. and like an embarrassed teenager with a high school crush, her shoulders slowly deflate. i should really think before i speak, she says to herself, and her fingers clench tighter around the wheel in fear that she might have just exposed herself to mark.

but she’s been like this every time, right? no one can “annoy” mark with cheesy pick-up lines and playful flirtations better than she can. so maybe, taehee hopes, he’ll just think that—

she is so right, mark thinks, slapping himself for almost saying that out loud. he doesn’t get to drown in his thoughts much longer because taehee’s already reaching a hand out to the radio, one of iu’s songs playing once it’s on.

when mark doesn’t reply after that, taehee takes another quick look to his direction and gets the idea that he was sleeping, seeing that he was still and breathing steadily on his seat. she gulps as she focuses her gaze back on the road. she didn’t know what she’s feeling towards her best friend.

the drive to the dorm was silent, with only the soft tune of the songs on the radio filling the background. mark stumbles on his way out, the alcohol finally kicking in, so taehee had to put her arms around him for the second time that night as she accompanies him all the way up to his room.

after she had helped him to bed, she steps foot into the kitchen for some aspirin and a glass of water, concluding that it might take the members a few more minutes before they arrive, but even so, she couldn’t leave mark alone. once she’s set the two items in her hands on the nightstand beside his bed, she lays her palm against mark’s forehead and his warm skin makes contact with hers. moving his hair from his face, her hand slowly comes to cup his cheek in a gentle manner, as if he’d break. she didn’t realize how the distance lessened between them, too caught up in every one of mark’s features to drift away.

taehee’s eyes drop down to mark’s lips, and her own pair parts slightly.

she goes closer, and closer, and closer — until mark stirs a little and taehee gets a whiplash from sitting up too quickly.

“i told you not to drink too much,” she clears her throat, her eyes that were on his soft lips a few seconds ago were now darting nervously around the room, “we could’ve hung out in the house and drink if we didn’t have a schedule tomorrow.”

mark finally open his eyes. ever since they had entered the apartment and she had laid him down on his bed, he had been listening for her, hoping that she wouldn’t leave so soon. he was on the verge of falling asleep but he didn’t want to give in just yet.

“well, i had to drink,” mark whispered to her, the depth in his voice causing butterflies to erupt in taehee’s stomach. “i had to.”

the girl clicks her tongue softly and asks, “why?”

“because i’m admitting that i’m in love with you.”

without any more words, taehee feels the atmosphere in the room shift and she holds in her breath. her heart drops into a pit of nerves at his confession, not daring to look back at the boy laying right by her side. her mind was filled with white noise for a moment before there many things began to run through her head. she didn’t know what to feel.

at the same time, the squiffed boy doesn’t miss the way her smile fades from her features, an unreadable expression replacing it bit by bit. he didn’t have the ability to decipher her reaction in his current state, so it doesn’t stop the next words that soon fly out of his mouth.

“i don’t know how or why or when, but i started to feel all these things whenever i'm with you,” just now does taehee finally meet his eyes. mark likes it better this way, even if he couldn’t understand what feeling she’s looking at him with at the moment.

“when i’m with you, i’m happy; when you smile, i get these butterflies inside — i always find myself looking at you whenever someone makes a joke and i hear you laugh. and when you dance so well, i feel so proud. it’s exhilarating. you’re exhilarating. but then, it’s also always peaceful with you. all the time. even if we do nothing and just stay beside each other. it’s so comforting, you make me feel... you make me feel warm. it’s like… it’s like you’re my favorite song and i can’t get you out of my head. you mean that much to me,” not once did mark break eye contact, “and i mean it as more than what we have now. it’s a lot more than that, taehee.”

he lets out a deep exhale after that, neither of them expected those words to come out of him. the silence in the room weighs down on taehee like a pile of bricks on her shoulders. she didn’t know what to say. she tried to look for any sort of sign that mark was joking, if this was this some sort of prank to get back at the careless remark she made during the ride there, but to no avail. while there are people out there who would buckle at the knees if someone special had expressed these words to them, so full of raw emotion, taehee can’t help but be afraid.

“taehee,” mark croaks out and it pulls her back to reality. he gives her a small nudge with his knuckle, causing her to instinctively pull her hand away; he was too tired to notice.

the sound of the front door opening catches taehee’s attention, followed by the heavy footsteps of the members entering the living room. she takes a glance at her watch and reads the time: 2:03 am. her eyes trail back to mark, who is now gazing at her with hooded eyes, trying to fight back the fatigue that was weighing on him.

with a quiet sigh, taehee pulls herself up to her feet and runs a nervous hand through her hair. mark unknowingly lets out a soft whine at this, not quite wanting her to leave him just yet.

“you’re drunk, mark,” he hears her say, and the sadness in her tone breaks him a little, “we’ll talk in the morning.”

at some point, mark had already closed his eyes and the sound of taehee’s retreating footsteps was all but faint noise to him. exhaustion, together with the events of today, slowly pull him to sleep while something bothers him.

mark is not drunk, and he chose such an awful time to say the words he had been meaning to for so long.

the last thing in his mind was the feeling of taehee’s hand pulling away when he bumped it with his, before falling into slumber.

IV. JANUARY 23, 2015 IN THE OLD SM ENTERTAINMENT BUILDING

“okay, taehee noona next!”

“ms. jeon, truth or dare?” with a fancy flick of the hand, donghyuck directs the question to taehee, and as usual, it irks her enough for her features to twitch into a scowl, much to his amusement. the other trainees simply laugh at their exchange. this was all completely normal to them.

“truth.”

“out of all the older trainees,” he draws out, mischief lacing his tone, “who would you crush on and why?” taehee stays silent and ponders on it for a moment despite the loud “oohs” of her friends seated in a circle. she wanted to question what kind of truth she received, what are they, 12? but before she thought about it too long, she answers, “doyoung hyung.”

donghyuck’s eyes widen at the unexpected answer, “no way!” and receives a playful shove from jeno who is snorting at his reaction. “what do you mean “no way”?” taehee’s lips form into an unconscious pout as she leaned back against the wall of the practice room, “he’s nice, he takes care of us well, and he’s a good singer! what’s not to like?”

donghyuck sticks his tongue out teasingly, “why are you being so defensive?”

“why are you being so invasive?”

“you really have a crush on him, don’t you?”

“if i did, i wouldn’t be stuck with you down here.”

“oh, so it’s me that you like then?” the exasperated groan that erupts from taehee causes another batch of hysteria in the group. ever since she had joined their practices, she and donghyuck had gotten more used to their dynamic of bickering back and forth. though there are times when these jokes are taken lightly and everyone is getting a laugh out of it, there are other times wherein mark and jeno worry that their words will start to mean something.

“guys, let’s stop this,” mark chuckles, his grin widening when he makes eye contact with taehee who had a slight frown on her features. “why don’t we go back to practicing, hm?” he dusts his pants off as he stood up, stretching his hand out to jeno to help him up to his feet. the rest start following suit with lingering smiles on their faces. it seems like they hadn’t gotten over what was exchanged during their short game of truth or dare.

“please, i did not eat boogers as a child!” renjun whines, causing taehee to snicker. jeno, who holds back from teasing the younger boy further, throws an arm around him and chuckles, “mhm, sure.”

“he was so red at the question earlier though,” the person beside taehee murmurs and she doesn’t hold back the laugh that escapes her.

she was koeun, another trainee her age that has been in the label almost a year longer than her. they were never really close in the first place, only greeting each other in passing, but ever since they all left, small talks in the hallway turned into long conversations during practice. these carried onto lunch, then to the same bus taehee used to take with the girls back to the dorms. there were others that tagged along too sometimes, but koeun was the closest to her.

“because it’s embarrassing,” taehee replies. she reaches down to her toes to stretch, “but i wouldn’t doubt it though.”

koeun giggles along with her as she goes into another warm-up pose right across her, “so would you say that you were lying about doyoung oppa awhile ago?”

“what made you say that?”

“you didn’t seem embarrassed!” another laugh erupts from taehee’s throat despite the displeased look on koeun’s features.

“it’s just a slight crush, koeunnie. it’s not that bad,” she playfully sticks her tongue out at the female trainee before running over the choreography they’ve learned earlier, hoping she’d dismiss the topic. but to her dismay, she doesn’t, “oh my god, so you do have a crush on him!”

“keep it down!” taehee shushes her, a light blush fanning over her cheeks, “and it’s not serious. i’ll probably forget it in the future.”

koeun purses her lips for a moment, raising her brows in hopes of intimidating taehee enough to pull the truth out of her, but she was a strong opponent. with a sigh, she roles her eyes and puffs out the air from her cheeks, causing the bangs on her forehead to fly away from their place. taehee reaches a hand out to fix them. she proceeds to mock the pout on koeun’s face as she pulls away, getting back to do a light run after teasing her friend. the latter rolls her eyes with a slight quirk on her lips before doing the same as taehee.

the silence between them, except for their soft pants and the squeaking of their shoes, was soon disrupted when koeun spoke up. “you know, for a second, i thought you were going to say mark.”

taehee lets out another sigh, “the truth was about the older members.”

“well, mark is older.”

“you are the most stubborn person i’ve ever met.”

“wow, are you talking to yourself?” koeun bites back sarcastically, before sharing a laugh over their banter. she leans in closer to whisper, “but seriously, you never had a thing for mark?”

now, taehee’s confused. her brows furrow at her question and shakes her head no. “what made you say that?”

“you guys seem really close,” koeun blinks up at her, smiling, “like really close.”

“because we are close friends,” taehee tells her matter-of-factly, bending down to tie her shoelaces, “and we’re young. i don’t think we should be thinking about that stuff.”

koeun scoffs, watching taehee get back on her feet and fix the waistband of her joggers, “who says?”

“i did. let’s get back to practice so we can head to lunch early!”

and she was right — little taehee, too young to know what love was until she was too stubborn to see what was right there in front of her when she got older.

V. NOVEMBER 6, 2021 IN GANGNAM, SEOUL, SOUTH KOREA

as soon as taehee steps into the waiting room, a series of claps, shouts, and hollers fill the room, causing embarrassment to flush up her bare features.

“guess who’s treating us to sushi!” johnny exclaims as he cups his hands around his mouth. meanwhile, haechan shows his excitement by dancing with his juice bottle in hand. taehee rolls her eyes and brushes them off with a shrug, “it’s just sushi.”

“would you want to add meat to the deal?”

“we agreed upon sushi.”

taehee pokes on haechan’s chest and lightly yanks on his tie to which he responds by dramatically choking on his dark pink fruit juice. “mom!” he wails, an exaggerated frown taking over his expression.

the stylist ushers taehee quickly to the dressing room for her to change and in less than five minutes, she’s out with a white dress shirt, the first few buttons undone, and blue slacks to fit their concept for today’s stage.

she sits down on one of the chairs in front of the mirror without a thought and lets the hairstylist begin combing her hair. as usual, she’s going to have her hair up in a ponytail with a few strands left out at the front.

“close your eyes please,” one of them said, and taehee did as told. the brush tickles her for a moment before the feeling quickly disappeared.

“hey,” the voice makes taehee tense in her seat, or rather, the owner of the voice makes her tense in her seat. that joyful yet soft tone belonged to none other than mark, but she wanted nothing more than to tune him out at the moment.

ever since that night, he has been countlessly trying to talk to taehee yet their conversations (if you could even call them that) were always cut short, with her moving away from him as soon as she could. while she did so with a forced smile hanging on her lips, mark was left with a crestfallen expression, knowing the reason why she’s ignoring him in the first place was about that night.

it was easy, taehee thought, considering they weren’t roommates anymore and that she took a different road home as mark went back to the members’ new apartment. but mark was persistent, and it became more difficult every time she sees the hurt look on his face. she still didn’t know what to say, let alone feel, after hearing those words from mark.

she didn’t want anyone to know that there was something wrong between them though, so she answered mark as she felt the stylist do her makeup on her other eye. “hi, mark,” she didn’t sound too interested.

the boy sitting on the chair next to her awkwardly chuckles after sensing her tone, “why were you late?”

“producers from another company wanted to meet. a girl group is debuting soon, so….”

“did it take long?”

“a bit.”

“but everything went well?”

“yup.”

“well…okay,” dejected at her short responses, mark deflates back to his seat and holds back a sigh. taehee was definitely ignoring him. he bites the inside of his cheek; he started to feel hurt, mind drifting to how she acted after his confession that night. he felt like a fool as he recalled the day after halloween — the day taehee said they’d talk but she kept finding excuses not to until she did it again the next day, and the day after, and the days after.

maybe he read things wrong, mark thinks to himself, but before he could overwhelm himself with his thoughts any longer, jungwoo beckons him over from one of the couches and invites him to a game. he looks beside him, taehee now on her phone, and sees no more reason to stay. he gets up and joins the other members.

soon, they finish the performance and monitor when they’re back in the waiting room. mark can’t help but feel butterflies yet, at the same time, pain when taehee appears on the screen. she looks like nothing had happened; as if nothing’s been bothering her these past few days because that’s how she always is.

maybe she didn’t care. maybe she wanted to forget it and move on. so many thoughts ran through mark’s head and it overwhelmed him on the silent way home. he didn’t stay in the apartment for too long because he soon finds himself outside, hands warming themselves within the comforts of his pockets after pushing on the doorbell beside taehee’s gate.

“mark,” the girl breathes out as soon as she’s opened the metal door, “what are you doing here? it’s late, you should be resting.”

she never fails to tug on his heart strings, even when the hurt starts to bloom in his chest. “we need to talk, taehee.”

“can’t it wait until tomorrow?” mark shakes his head no, because once tomorrow comes, they’ll be in another endless cycle that’ll get him wondering what went wrong. it’ll keep him up and he wouldn’t be able to sleep at night. with a meek nod, taehee lets him in and closes the gate behind him.

chubs greets him with a high pitched bark as soon as they enter the house, excitement evident in the way the puppy wags her tail as she pawed at his jeans. mark bends down to coo at her, running his hands through her soft fur, while taehee heads straight to the kitchen to get him a glass of water.

noticing her absence in the living room, the smell of coffee wafts to his nose and he follows it until he reaches the kitchen. he sees taehee’s back turned to him as she pours the contents of the coffee pot into her mug. “there’s a glass on the table,” he hears her say next, and his eyes drift to a few feet in front of him, the glass still under the dim kitchen light.

he pulls one of the chairs back and the sound it makes causes his heart rate to pick up. the silence in the atmosphere was so heavy that even chubs’ playful footsteps in the living room did nothing to distract him. his gaze moves up when taehee sits across him, eyes unmoving from her mug until a few seconds later.

and for a while, they just sat. it was certain that they both knew about the huge elephant in the room, and they were sure the other knew about it too.

mark was the first to speak up, “we need to talk.”

“you said that awhile ago,” taehee replies almost nonchalantly. she takes another sip of her coffee before asking, “what about?”

“well, you know,” he twiddles with his thumbs like a young school boy, bringing his head down before making eye contact with taehee again, “about that night.”

this time that taehee tenses, mark notices. he knows that she knows. “i meant it, taehee, every word.”

“you were drunk—”

“i wasn’t,” mark defends, brows slightly furrowing at the accusation, “if i was, then i wouldn’t have said all those words. if i was, i wouldn’t have remembered how warm your skin was against mine and how it felt when you pulled away from me.”

“if i was drunk, taehee, i wouldn’t have remembered how you almost kissed me that night.”

taehee didn’t know she was holding her breath until she heard mark gulp. his eyes were searching for something in hers, noticing how tears prickled the corner of her eyes. his face immediately softens, but he doesn’t lean back in his seat. he doesn’t stand up and go to her side like he normally would when he sees her on the verge of tears. mark is hurt too and he needed to stand his ground.

“i don’t know,” taehee says after a few beats of silence, “i don’t know why i did that but it was nothing.”

“what do you mean ‘nothing’?”

“i don’t know, mark. just stop it—”

“how do you expect me to just stop it when you’ve been ignoring me for days?” mark became vulnerable in front of her as he cried out. he didn’t shout — no, he could never do that to taehee — but his voice was clear enough to let her know of the tear in his heart. “taehee, i’ve tried to show you. i couldn’t at first but i eventually did because i couldn’t help myself. i’ve tried to make you happy — happier — since these past few months. and you acted like— you acted like you felt the same way, so i waited,” he chokes out, “i waited, but i’ve told you now and i need an answer.”

so, taehee wasn’t imagining it after all. the lighthearted jokes, his compliments that seemed too genuine for him to be fooling her, the times they’ve called and he’d play the guitar for her until she’d fallen asleep — they were all genuine, yet taehee was too afraid to see the intentions underneath them.

“mark,” taehee croaks out, coffee long forgotten as she ran a hand through her hair in despair. a tear slips past the corner of her eye and she disconnects her gaze with the boy across her momentarily before returning, “i don’t— we’re never…it’s never going to work out. i have just too much baggage on me and i don’t want to drag you into this mess. once they find out, we’re never going to escape it, mark, and i don’t want you going through that.”

her statement causes mark’s mouth to part in disbelief, “is this about the media? taehee, who gives a fuck about what they say?”

“i do!” her voice booms, finger pointing to her chest as tears streamed down her cheeks, “you weren’t the one being sent death threats to at sixteen, mark. you weren’t the one being bullied for debuting in a supposed boy group, being called names just because. you weren’t the one stopped from visiting your family because your job was said to be more important!”

“directly or not, they took things from me, mark,” she tells him, voice weaker as if she was pleading him, “i don’t want to risk losing you.”

a low sigh slips past mark’s lips as he stares back at taehee with downturned eyes, “you won’t though.”

“you’ll regret it because—”

“i won’t.”

“—there are too many risks. won’t you get tired?”

“so what makes jaehyun hyung so different then?”

taehee was taken aback by the sudden mention of the older member. confused, she asks, “what does jaehyun have anything to do with this?”

“how is it easy for you to date jaehyun hyung,” mark’s voice shakes, “someone you claimed you didn’t even have real feelings for, but so difficult to even admit that you like me too?”

taehee knows he’s right, but she couldn’t bring herself to admit her feelings without knowing what they really are at first. all she felt was pain and frustration, pulling back from the table and holding her head in her hands as her best friend watched her. “i don’t know, mark,” she says for the nth time.

“you don’t know?” it’s the first time his voice cracks that night, and taehee to looks up as soon as she heard the sound, only to meet his pain-stricken eyes, “or you just don’t want to?”

he leans forward, placing his elbows on the table. the dim light illuminates his broken eyes so prettily yet so heartbreaking, “not even just a split second did you consider having feelings for me? not even by mistake?”

words hang on the tip of taehee’s tongue, but she shakes her head no. “i can’t say ‘yes’ completely, so i’m not going to say it at all,” she whispers it like a finality, the final tear in mark’s heart.

so, without another word, the despondent boy gets up and leaves, chubs’ resonating barks chasing after him. all taehee could do was put her head in her hands and let the waterworks flow, because losing mark was the exact thing she tried to avoid, yet did so cruelly just a few moments ago.

VI. DECEMBER 13, 2015 IN THE OLD SM ENTERTAINMENT BUILDING

“did you hear about the news?”

“what news?”

“jeon taehee’s gonna be added to nct. she’s the only girl there!”

“what the hell?”

“i bet her parents paid the company or something,” the disembodied voice murmurs, “i heard her mom’s a doctor. they must be rich.”

“what a waste though, right?” the two trainees leave together, giggling at their joke. little did they know, taehee heard every ill word that came out of them.

and as usual, she says nothing.

this has been going on for about a week, rumors springing left and right about how taehee landed her debut. she was talented for sure, anyone with two eyes can see that, but to be the only girl in a boy group? it got some of the higher-ups thinking what their ceo had in mind. sm was always successful in leading the trends though, so they put their trust in the plan wholeheartedly. unfortunately, it just didn’t seem to make sense for others.

“i’ll go tell them to back off,” koeun suggests to taehee, aggressively biting off a chunk of her bread just to prove a point, but the latter shakes her head in disapproval.

“what? you have to tell them, taehee, or they won’t stop.”

“they’ll stop when i debut,” the girl says, pushing her body off the wall and taking koeun’s free hand in hers to drag her to the practice room. “i won’t hear it from them anymore. i just don’t want to stir up anything for now, okay?” taehee looks to her friend beside her. she watches as her brows downturn into a slight pout, “fine, but just say the word and i got you.”

“sure, koeunnie.”

another set of days passed since then, yet the rumors didn’t stop coming. it was starting to affect taehee bit by bit, her confidence deflating the longer she listened to what the other trainees had to say.

but she didn’t do anything about it. she kept quiet when she could and cried during the nights they got too harsh. it was starting to take a toll on her relationships with others, too. she was no longer as lively as she was with koeun, no longer sticking around to wait for mark and the others after training, no longer taking doyoung’s offers on a free meal during the weekends. it was like the world around her has dissolved into a tempered blur she found so hard to break free from.

“did you see how coach scolded taehee this morning?” one of the trainees snickered, “they’re gonna remove her from the debut line soon.”

“huh, really?”

at the mention of taehee’s name, mark and donghyuck stop in their tracks. their confused gazes meet each other halfway, the elder’s brows more furrowed than the younger one’s. something wasn’t right.

the second speaker’s question must’ve been sarcastic though as they made another remark about taehee, “then her parents could just pay them again! the bitch is always lucky, wow.”

donghyuck’s eyes widen a fraction when he sees something snap in mark’s eyes. the seemingly cheery and level-headed trainee turns on his heels and proceeds to send a harsh glare towards the two others down the hall.

the taller one of them is the first to notice, “what are you looking at, kid?” great, it’s one of the older trainees, donghyuck thinks to himself, hoping they don’t get into trouble. he brings his gaze back to mark to gauge his reaction. his determined eyes and clenched jaw tells him his hyung is holding back from doing something he might regret later. the look causes goosebumps to rise on donghyuck’s skin, what more for their audience.

“you don’t know what you’re talking about,” mark tells the supposed elder, respectfully, “so i suggest you to quit it.”

the older trainee is baffled at his statement — moreover, his courage — but he tries not to show it. they take a few steps forward, the other following, and this time, mark and donghyuck fully turn to them like a stare down about to take place.

“ah, mark,” they sneer, smugness reeling from their tone, “it doesn’t mean that you’re debuting that you get to talk to me like that. i’m still your elder.”

“the formalities are still there,” donghyuck chimes in, slyly adding an honorific by the end of his statement to annoy them further, “you shouldn’t be talking about taehee noona like that if you still want to be respected.”

“do you even know how she got into your group? it’s insane!” the shorter one, their thick bangs covering their seemingly thick forehead, steps forward and it starts to irk the two boys, “the only girl among all of you? fucking crazy!”

donghyuck opens his mouth to speak but mark is ahead of him, “we weren’t the ones who made the decision, neither did she. she’s talented—”

“then debut her in a girl group then! why her and not us?!”

donghyuck scoffs, “with that attitude, you won’t.”

“what the fuck did you just say?” the distance between the two parties was just a feet apart, the glares from each side getting harsher and harsher. the eldest one angrily looks donghyuck up and down but the latter keeps his head up.

“don’t curse at the younger kid,” mark steps in between them, pushing donghyuck slightly back, but it doesn’t break his icy stare. “and don’t say stuff that aren’t even true,” he continues, “it doesn’t mean that she’s debuting and you’re not that you get to talk behind her back. it says a lot about you, actually.”

the trainee in front of him furrows their brows together, “you little—” they whip their head away in frustration, and for some reason, mark’s not scared at all. he was doing the right thing defending his friend, so why should he?

“what would you think if she’s fucking with them?” the sinister grin the elder has on their face makes mark’s blood boil. what the fuck?

“she’ll fuck with you too, i’m sure,” they add, and when neither mark or donghyuck reply, the more satisfaction grows on their face, “it’s a shame. she’s too young.”

mark takes a step forward, and another. donghyuck, afraid that he would do the unthinkable, reaches for his arm but misses. it’s not a doubt that he’s both frustrated and heartbroken at the situation.

“she’s sixteen,” mark spits out right at the older trainee’s face, teeth gritting together and filled with indignation, “jeon taehee is a billion times more than the idol you’ll ever be; a billion times more than the person you’ll ever become, and if you say anything bad about her, you’ll get more than just a warning.”

both of the other trainees’ pokerfaces did nothing to conceal their belittlement at mark’s courage. “so keep her name out of your mouths,” he murmurs, “respectfully.”

it takes a few more moments of silence until the two trainees break off, leaving in an upset state, and donghyuck’s eyes follow them on the way out with a look of disgust in his features.

“let’s go, hyung,” he nudges mark once they’ve left, but the latter doesn’t budge. “mark hyung,” he repeats, twisting his whole body towards him, “you need to cool off, c’mon.” mark’s not looking at him though, and donghyuck follows his gaze until it reaches the end of the hallway.

and there taehee was, unmoving with glassy eyes. she had a plastic bag of snacks in her hand, but her hold was weak on them. they didn’t need to ask her to know she had heard everything.

before donghyuck could even call her, she takes off in the other direction, disappearing behind the walls of the hallway. mark was chasing after taehee before he knew it, leaving donghyuck behind.

he knew better not to follow; he had caused her to cry during a few previous encounters, he wouldn’t know what to do to comfort her. but after hearing those distasteful things earlier, he just prays this would be the first and last time she’d ever be hearing those words.

meanwhile, mark catches taehee by the arm right around the corner. he pulls her to face him, but she crouches down to the floor and immediately puts her head in her hands, trying to keep in her cries.

the boy’s brows furrow as he bends down in front of her, caressing the sides of her head and moving her hair out of her face. “since when?” he asks.

he hears how the question makes her cry harder, or at least tried to — taehee was so good at keeping her sobs muffled. mark knew her enough to notice how affected she was, “taehee, why didn’t you tell me?”

“or at least koeun? doyoung hyung? taeyong hyung? or i don’t know, someone? you don’t deserve this, taehee.”

the girl in front of him doesn’t answer for a while, keeping her head down until she modulated her cries. “hmm?” he hums, concerned laced in it, and taehee proceeds to tell him but her voice was faint.

“what was that?”

“i said, why’d you do that?” she finally looks up at mark, causing him to immediately soften at seeing her puffy eyelids, “you didn’t have to do that to yourself!”

mark’s lips part in disbelief before shaking his head, “did you even hear what they said about you?”

“i know, but—”

“i couldn’t let those slide!” mark tells her. he gingerly cups her face in his hands as if she were glass, “don’t expect me to just stand there. they aren’t even saying the truth.”

taehee removes mark’s hands as she stood up, anxiously pacing before him as he followed suit, “exactly! that’s why we should just let them be, please.”

“taehee, why are you doing this to yourself?”

“because,” she finally faces him, lessening the distance between them while she intertwines her hands together, knuckles whitening at how tight she held them, “we can’t debut if we do stuff like this! it’ll stir more things up and you can’t keep defending me — it’ll bring you down too. mark, it’ll ruin your chance, please.”

the boy was speechless. how could taehee be so worried about him when she’s supposed to be worrying about herself? “what—”

“just stop it, mark,” she shakes her head at him, “i can handle it.” he wants to tell her that she can handle it better with him, or anybody really; that if she could just let him in, maybe the baggage would be lighter for her. but taehee’s built this stone wall secure around her that it was so difficult to crumble down. “just don’t bother,” she says quietly, and so he lets her walk away, plastic bag forgotten on the floor as she took the stairs down.

they didn’t speak for a week after that.

this was their first fight.

VII. NOVEMBER 24, 2021 IN GANGNAM, SEOUL, SOUTH KOREA

it’s been weeks since mark and taehee stopped talking to each other. the latter seems to just play it off in front of the members, in front of the camera, sending soft smiles towards the former’s direction like everything’s fine.

while taehee hopes to not worry the others, it comes off badly to mark. at first, he was annoyed. how could she just pretend like everything’s okay after what she told him? but then, he felt pain, like a hammer pressing down on his chest every time he looked at her.

because no matter how badly his heart hurt that night, his mind still continues to drift to thoughts about her every single day. every time taehee takes one step forward, mark takes three back. she stops trying after the second week.

the ringing of the doorbell late at night disrupts taehee’s peace. it’s two hours before midnight, and for some reason, she feels deja vu creep up on her as she walks outside towards the gate.

“hello! your favorite dongsaeng brought you your favorite food—”

“haechan-ah, it’s late in the evening—”

“but!” he holds a finger up in front of her, effectively shushing her, “your favorite dongsaeng is also cold and he’s hoping you could let him in?”

silence. “it’s past ten,” taehee then points out, “we have practice tomorrow.”

“as soon as we finish this pasta i made, i’ll go home,” the younger boy pleads, almost batting his eyes at her as he leaned on the gate. he forms his lips into the most adorable pout he could muster and taehee’s expression shows she has given in before she could let the words out, “you have to go straight home and rest—”

“YAY!”

almost an hour later, taehee and haechan sit comfortably beside each other on the couch, feet propped up on the coffee table as a movie played on the screen. empty plates of aglio e olio have been laying in the sink since minutes prior. love, rosie is in its final scenes as alex, played by sam claflin, enters the hotel.

“so for almost two hours, we just watched these two pine over each other and go through all that pain?” haechan chimes from his position, head snug on taehee’s shoulder.

“well, their paths didn’t align in the beginning,” the older girl hums, “they only realized their feelings were mutual by the end.”

“right,” haechan trailed off, letting silence fill the air once more. the end credits of the film roll on the screen, but none of them bothered to move. he wanted to say something, the question was hanging right on the tip of his tongue, but he holds back because he is unknowing of the gravity of the situation. he wouldn’t know how she’d react hearing his name.

but donghyuck wanted to help like he should’ve last time. he doesn’t want to witness what happened between his friends years back all over again. after taking in a short huff of hair, donghyuck asks the question he and the members have been meaning to ask for so long, “noona, is something going on between you and mark hyung?”

he feels taehee tense, like she stopped breathing after hearing mark’s name tumble out of his mouth. haechan pulls himself to sit up and turns his body to her, but she doesn’t meet his eyes right away, “because i noticed. the hyungs did too and we’re worried.”

so with a heavy heart, taehee opens up to him. she tells him about how mark was always by her side and how they put the other before themselves. she tells him about the time mark sneaked into one of their producers’ studios when they were trainees to retrieve her stolen hard drive. she tells him about how mark would hold her hand in the airport because of her situation at the time. she tells him about how mark would get protective when superm used to go on tour because of the locals would approach her and ask for her number, and how well he played the boyfriend role when they filmed her back to december cover, chuckling.

and then, taehee tells him about mark’s birthday — how she felt like he was going to tell her something but ended up saying something different. she tells him about what mark said when she brought him to their apartment after the halloween party; how she almost kissed him. and she tells him about their fight — how mark said he wasn’t drunk and that he meant every word that he said, how she couldn’t find the words to say because she didn’t know what she felt at that time, how mark brought up jaehyun, and how he left after she told him she couldn’t answer him ‘yes’ completely.

and haechan listened. sweet little donghyuck who used to tease his noona almost all the time now held her in his arms as she recounted her story with mark, wet diamonds sliding down her cheeks as she leaned into him.

he doesn’t respond right away when she finished, allowing her to process everything and let her be alone with her feelings. haechan continues stroking her hair softly and wipes her tears away when he could.

when haechan thinks it’s okay to speak, he whispers, “thank you for opening up to me, noona. you did the right thing, i’m so proud of you.”

“i just feel like i hurt him badly,” she cries, weak fingers covering her tear-filled eyes, “i feel so sorry, i couldn’t figure out my feelings.”

“i know, noona,” haechan coos, and he wraps his arms around her tighter. he rocks her back and forth on the couch in her home, hoping to provide solace to her as much as possible.

he already had a hunch on mark’s feelings towards his best friend, you would be blind not to. and taehee, haechan thought, doesn’t treat anyone, let alone look at anyone, the way she treats mark. she treats him with so much care and adoration yet holds onto him like a lifeline. taehee didn’t need to let mark in, she already placed her whole trust in him.

she needed to trust in herself, he thinks. she needed to trust that she could love mark just as much without having to hold either of them back from anything.

”you know, hyung keeps a picture of you two in his wallet.”

“you’re just making stuff up,” taehee turns her head to look him in the eyes as she sniffs.

the brown haired boy simply goes back to carding his fingers through her hair as he comforts her, remembering the time he got a hold of mark’s wallet in dallas and was pleasantly surprised to see a fading polaroid of mark and taehee. he could tell it was from when they were filming the music video for we go up, when the members sprayed each other with hoses and water guns. haechan continues, “i’m just saying. you’re a very special person to him if he keeps something that reminds him of you in the stuff he brings everyday.”

“but i’m always with him,” well, always was with him.

“then i guess he really likes you huh,” haechan chuckles. he parts from taehee for a bit and sees that she’s no longer crying, calmer than she was awhile ago.

taehee lifts her head up to look up at him with glossy eyes and tear-stained cheeks, and haechan holds himself back from pinching her cheeks because she reminded him of his little sister. “i miss him, haechan-ah.”

“i know, noona,” the younger boy tells her, the corners of his lips raising into a sad smile, “i’m sure he does too.”

VIII. DECEMBER 21, 2015 IN THE OLD SM ENTERTAINMENT BUILDING

“mark hyung,” donghyuck calls out from the corner of the practice room as he sits, letting his weight slide down the floor until his whole body is lying flat on the cold wooden floor, “i wanna go home already.”

the older boy continued dancing skillfully in front of the mirror. donghyuck had been begging him to go home since minutes ago that his whines became all but background noise to the music that was playing through the speakers.

“hyung,” donghyuck tries again. he lifts his head up to glare at mark through the mirror but he was too focused on his dancing to notice. with slight annoyance, he puffs out the air from his cheeks and pulls himself to stand up. “i’m going to get something to drink,” he heads his way out the door, briefly stopping to say, “we better go home once i finish.” he huffs once more, sure that mark doesn’t hear him.

when donghyuck leaves, it’s just mark, the music, and his thoughts alone.

he kept getting a particular move wrong over and over, it began to frustrate him. he drags himself to the speakers to stop the music, his legs tired from practicing. he decides to take a quick seat down and sighs. he couldn’t get the memory of those two other trainees and taehee crying out of his head no matter how hard he tried to push them back.

it all just didn’t make sense to him. taehee was always the one standing up for the other trainees, she wasn’t afraid as long as she believed she was doing the right thing. it got to the point that she would sometimes get in trouble for doing so, but she remained firm. so why couldn’t she do the same for herself? why couldn’t she let her friends do the same for her?

he remembers how he asked koeun about it a few days after their fight and is disturbed to know it has been going on for weeks. “there were a lot of times i wanted to speak up,” he recalls her saying, “but she stopped me every time and just told them to let them be. can you believe that?”

a frown unknowingly takes its place on mark’s features. he didn’t like seeing his best friend hurt, especially when no one’s doing anything about it.

a loud bang from the hallway distracts him from his thoughts, and his eyes immediately fly open to the slightly ajar door of the practice room. “donghyuck?” mark calls out, but he receives no reply.

“donghyuck,” he calls again, trying to sound more firm as he stands up and heads towards the door. the eerie silence and dimness in the hallway sends goosebumps on his skin. if he’s playing another one of his pranks, i swear to god, mark thinks.

he hears someone’s shoes squeak against the tiles and he whips his head to the side, the pace of his heart increasing when he’s met with no one. he remembers the stories the hyungs told them, about how some of the guards would hear weird sounds coming from empty closet rooms late at night or how things went missing whenever people trained past eleven. and the most popular one — how aggressive red tunes playing from the piano in the vocal room would disrupt the peace of the whole building once the clock struck a quarter to one in the morning. no one knew who, or what, was playing loudly at such an hour, but they didn’t want to either. mark just hopes he and donghyuck head home before that.

he hears a cluster of light footsteps just around the corner, causing a relieved sigh to come out of him. he starts to walk closer to it, “donghyuck, finally—”

“AAAAAAAA!”

“AAAH!” mark immediately jumps back in fear — the scream definitely did not belong to donghyuck.

“mark, what the hell. that scared me!” the person he bumped into shouts, and he recognizes her voice before he even sees her face. he reaches a hand out to taehee to help her to her feet and proceeds to pick up her backpack. “are you okay? are you hurt?” he placed a soft hold on her arm and tugs on it lightly, tiptoeing to check if there were any lumps on her head.

“you know you would have to touch it to check if i had a bump on my head, right?” taehee hums, causing mark to immediately pull away and clear his throat. the darkness of the hallway conceals his cheeks that were growing redder by the moment and he awkwardly hands her backpack back. “my butt hurts from the fall but i’m fine,” taehee grins at him.

it was like last week didn’t happen at all, mark thinks, but these thoughts soon diminish when taehee’s eyes start to drift to anywhere but him, rocking back and forth on on her heels.

mark gives her a short nod and takes a step back to leave but taehee stops him. “hmm?” he hums, noticing how she pulls her outstretched arm back to her side.

“i’m sorry for kinda lashing out on you last week,” she starts off meekly. “i understand why’d you do that. i just got so scared that we might cause some drama with the older kids and they’d tell on us. they might never let you debut.”

taehee looks up from the floor to see mark’s doting eyes staring right back at her. he looks comforting like this, she thinks, before realizing that she’d want mark to take care of her until he couldn’t, because she’d wish for him to stay by her side for as long as possible.

mark scrunches his nose, an action taehee secretly found adorable, before shaking his head, “that will never happen.”

“and if it did, will you regret doing what you did?”

“taehee,” he drops his voice down to a whisper even if he knew they were the only ones in the hallway. he takes a step closer and he places each of his hands on her shoulders, “i will do it a million times over and over.”

taehee rolls her eyes, yet her lips seem to be telling a different story with the way they twitch upwards into a smirk, “why put yourself through that again though?”

a giggle slips out the girl but mark could only gaze at her so lovingly without realizing. the answer was simple anyways. “because you’re my best friend,” he answers her.

taehee’s soft laughter slowly dissolves when she realizes mark was being serious. her brows furrow for a moment, before a genuine grin stretches her pink lips. “yeah,” she breathes out, “and you’re mine too.”

“i just don’t want you hearing those kinds of things,” mark continues, and taehee nods as a sign that she’s listening and that she understands. “debuting or not, you don’t deserve that kind of treatment. you’re the most hard working and kindhearted person i’ve ever met, that’s why you’re the best. don’t settle for less, taehee. not ever.”

“yes, oppa,” taehee jokes, before sticking her tongue out at him and causing mark to laugh. he proceeds to say that she isn’t taking him seriously but she reassures him that she is. “thank you, mark,” she tells him, sincerity laced in every word, “i appreciate it.”

mark opens his mouth to reply but a clanking noise pulls his and taehee’s attention to the side. the older boy reaches for the girl like it was an instinct and pulls her closer.

they start to hear footsteps, getting louder and louder each passing second. panicked, taehee whispers to mark and steps behind him, “oh my god, mark, what if the ghost stories are real?”

“ghosts aren’t real,” he whispers back, despite the countless of times he had listened to her rant about some of the things she saw back in the dormitory.

“are you calling me crazy then?”

they see the figure’s shadow grow in size — it was getting closer. they both internally brace themselves for whatever they were about to see, but their chests soon deflate when donghyuck emerges from the corner, nonchalantly throwing his empty bottle of juice into the trash bin before turning to them fully. “oh?” his eyebrows raise when he sees the two together, “noona?”

“you’re still here?” he asks again. now that he was an arm’s reach away, mark finally punches him in the shoulder and the younger boy lets out a wail. he rubs the spot where he had hit him and decides to take a step next to taehee, as if he was using her as a shield in case mark decides to attack him again. “that was so uncalled for!” he whines.

“you should’ve told me you were going to get something!” mark argues back.

“i did! you were too busy to hear me, so was that really my fault?”

“okay, boys, cut it out,” taehee chimes in, placing a hand on each of their chests to separate them.

“noona, he attacked me!” mark rolls his eyes at the pout and doe eyes donghyuck sends the girl, feeling something form in the pit of his stomach but he ignores it.

“i saw,” taehee simply shrugs at him, and for a second, mark felt victorious seeing the tiny smirk tinting her expression. she steps in front of them and says, “why won’t you two talk about it on the way home, hmm?” taehee slowly backs up, still holding eye contact with them as she walked backwards, “go now. shoo!”

“you aren’t coming with us?” mark asks, innocent eyes waiting in anticipation, causing taehee to stop in her tracks. “we take different buses home, mark. mine will do its last round in a minute, so i have to go.”

“oh. okay,” donghyuck almost wants to laugh at how dejected his hyung sounded. what is he? in love with her or something? he wonders to himself.

“but we’re good though, right?” taehee asks again. “of course, we are,” and that was all she needed.

she bids him goodnight, as well as donghyuck, surprising him, and leaves. their eyes follow taehee until she disappears around the corner before heading back to the practice room to retrieve their stuff.

a snicker sounds out of donghyuck as they walk to their bus stop. “oh,” he mocks mark’s tone from earlier, “okay.” the weak shove he receives from the elder causes him to cackle into the cold winter night, his young bright grin matching the one on mark’s features.

“shut up, donghyuck.”

IX. DECEMBER 19, 2021 IN THE NEW NCT 127 DORM

the drive home was silent. everyone was tired, but a few were completely exhausted.

it was wonderful seeing the fans again and getting to perform with a live audience in such a long time. for a moment there, taehee forgot about the world. for a moment, it was just them, the fans, and the stage. she couldn’t wipe off the grin that made her all the more radiant even if she tried. she was really happy.

now that it was over, all taehee wanted to do was flop down on her bed and sleep. yet no matter how much her feet ached and how heavy her fatigue was, she couldn’t get an ounce of sleep in the car. at least haechan, who was snoring peacefully on her shoulder, got to do so. she knows how tired he could get considering the amount of comebacks they did for all the units they were in.

but there was one person she worried more than anyone else. it made her a bit guilty harboring those kinds of feelings.

“please, hyung,” taehee sighs, standing just outside the elevator, “doyoung oppa.”

“why don’t you just give it to them yourself?” the older male argues, tone soft as he raised his eyebrows questioningly at the girl, “why’d you have to pull me back and wait for the rest of them to enter the apartment?”

“because...” taehee’s voice trails off as her eyes dropped to the floor. it was as if her converse sneakers were the most interesting thing in the world. she knows that doyoung could answer that question himself. she knows that he knows why she couldn’t just give the packs of herbal tea and the huge thermos of soup to the members he shared the apartment with.

“hmm?” doyoung hums.

“he won’t take it if he knows it’s from me,” taehee tells him anyway. when she raises her head and looks at him, her face drops into another frown at his reaction, “why are you looking at me like that?”

“how are you so sure mark won’t take it if it’s from you?” doyoung shifts his weight to his other foot, stealing a glance at the apartment door before going back to taehee. he knows she’s tired too, but who knows what kind of thoughts keep her up at night when she’s apart from her best friend like this. “just bring it inside,” he gestures to the bag in her hands with his chin, “maybe he’ll forgive you when he sees it as a peace offering.”

but another sigh escapes taehee and she shakes her head no, “a simple peace offering won’t fix my mistake.”

doyoung wants to ask more questions. so many questions hang on the tip of his tongue but out of respect to their privacy, he settles on giving her a simple nod. “because—” taehee blurts out before shutting up, and the sound makes doyoung’s curious but considerate eyes move up to her own.

the younger girl bites the inside of her cheek when she sees the look on doyoung’s face. she doesn’t know where to start. she already told haechan days before, but for some reason, she wanted the man in front of her, someone who she looked up to and turned for advice, to tell her something different than what she already knew.

she lets out the umpteenth sigh for the night and doyoung already knows he’s got her. she needed to let it out at some point, and he wanted to let her know he was there for her.

“i can’t tell you mark’s side of the story because it’s not mine to tell,” taehee starts off, “but for me, i’m just scared. good things don’t happen with me, and i’m scared i might end up hurting him more than i already did.”

a small frown starts to take place on doyoung’s features. he’s heard these kinds of words from her before. taehee used to doubt her success much more than she did now — debuting as the only female in a boy group wasn’t easy from what he could tell. he wanted to let her know that she had overcome it already, but there are certain moments like these that just bring her confidence down almost like in the past. how he wished he could make things better for her somehow. “don’t say that,” he murmurs softly, “things aren’t so bad all the time. you overcome them and that’s just life — you’re doing it now even. just trust yourself, taehee-ah.”

“not like that,” she gulps, before thinking of the right words to say next. her reply causes doyoung’s brows to furrow in confusion. was that not where she was going at?

“doyoung oppa,” taehee says finally, receiving an acknowledging hum in return, “you know my parents don’t live in the same house, right?”

“yeah… your mom works in a different town. why?”

“i never..” her voice cracks and she takes a deep breath, prompting the older male to take a step closer out of concern, “i never really got to be with my mom until i was five. i thought that was just because it was when i started remembering things but we never had pictures together except the day i was born. after that, there was nothing else; my pictures were all with my dad when i was a baby.”

“during the time i,” her lips twitch into a frown, as if she was stopping herself from crying, so doyoung takes her hand in hers and rubs his thumb against it comfortingly. “during the time i met my mom, i guess, she was doing her internship at a local hospital, but she wanted to go work in another one. it was the one she was really aiming for.”

“the one out of town,” doyoung wondered out loud, and so taehee nods.

“my dad was asking her to stay, more like begging, but i guess she took it the wrong way. maybe, she was offended. i vividly remember her saying that this isn’t what she wanted; that settling on just pining over her dreams after she had worked so hard would make her hate the life she has with him.” she purses her lips and she forces a smile onto her face, “oppa, i think i came at the wrong time. they weren’t happy back then, so…” taehee opens her mouth to say more, but she has a feeling doyoung knew what she meant with the saddened look he is currently giving her.

worried, doyoung bites his lip when a tear drops from the corner of the latter’s eye. “she didn’t mean to say it. it was probably just in the heat of the moment, i’m sure,” she smiles up at him sadly, “but i also understood where my dad was coming from. i used to get confused whenever my dad would suddenly go, ‘i wish i could’ve done more for you,’ and i would respond like, ‘why? i like to think you raised me up well,’ but now, i understand the meaning behind it.”

“he wanted you to grow up with your mom too,” doyoung finishes for her, knowing that she couldn’t continue, and wraps her into a hug, “it must’ve been hard for you hearing this.”

“my dad’s love is the best,” she chuckles sadly while resting her cheek on his shoulder, “but yeah, i wished my mom was there too.”

“we’re happy though,” taehee then tells him as she pulls away, “and i’m not saying this because i’m trying to convince myself. there are things that i wished that happened, but everyone’s happy now. my dad is happy, i was raised well, and my mom’s achieving her dreams. we’re happy when we talk to each other, and they’re also supportive of my own ambitions, so i’m happy too.”

taehee nods once she finishes, feeling doyoung place his warm hands on each of her shoulders. “but i can’t help but be scared of holding back people i love,” she continues, her voice dropping into soft whispers as her eyes continue to water, “this thing with mark makes me scared of that, oppa, and i don’t want to do that because i love him.”

doyoung pulls her into his arms again and rubs her sides comfortingly, “you won’t, i’m sure of it.” he pulls away, moving taehee’s stray hairs from her face as he cups her jaw with his hands, “mark won’t let such thing happen.”

“realistically though—”

“ah ah, i’m not done yet,” he gives her a pointed look, quirking a brow at her, and almost praises himself for making taehee smile. “even if something does happen,” doyoung tells her, “if something does happen, i don’t think mark has it in him to just let you go through it alone.”

by then, all that remains on taehee’s features are the dried trail marks her tears have left behind. doyoung’s last statement made her ponder, and bit by bit, taehee’s feeling her heart open up more to the possibilities of pursuing her what-if’s.

“you just have to trust him, taehee-ah,” doyoung draws her attention back to him, “and yourself, too. you guys are mark and taehee, this thing you have between you two is nothing.”

and taehee starts to think that maybe he’s right. she didn’t have to be so scared of the uncertain because mark was there with her. she loved the thought of that. she loved the thought of him alone. she loved him.

she loves mark, taehee realized. she misses him badly, hoping that she’s not too late in knowing.

doyoung and taehee part minutes later, bidding each other their sweet farewells before the latter walks to their dorm, a bag containing herbal tea and soup in his hand.

the male adult empties the bag’s contents in the kitchen, waiting to just jump on his bed and sleep, but to his surprise, a big black cover of a cylindrical container catches his attention. he pulls it out and he can’t help but let a snicker sound out of him at seeing the object.

vitamin c. he shakes his head, knowing who it’s for.

“mark lee and jeon taehee,” he sighs to himself, “you two will turn out just fine.”

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