jennnsartofgettingby

[jennnsartofgettingby]

the brother of house black: sirius and regulus angst

cw: mentions of abuse. again its angst read with caution

a/n: this was something i wrote months ago because i only know pain. so here share my pain. if you guys like this i have continuations written that i can post

"sirius," regulus cried in a hushed voice seizing his brother by the wrist. "just do as they ask, we both know its the only way."

sirius snapped his wrist from regulus' grip staring him down coldly

"you know better than anyone that i can no longer refrain from expressing my beliefs," he stated

regulus' lip quivered. he was terrified for his brother and what his parents would do when sirius finally pinched their last nerve

"if you do this, they will never forgive you. they will not hold back. they will treat you as if you were never their child, their heir." regulus attempting to sway his brothers mind

sirius shook his head pinching the bridge of his nose is frustration. "regulus you are the only member of this wretched house who has ever loved me, who i have ever loved."

"so then listen to me!" regulus cried stepping towards his brother

"no," sirius shot. "im sorry it has come to this but you gotta promise me something, alright?"

"fine," regulus huffed. he crossed his arms awaiting his brothers request. he was angry. he felt his heart ache. but he understood. and that was enough to continue to be a bystander to his brothers situation

"you will not interfere, no matter what they do." sirius replied at last. "you are not to throw yourself in the line of fire for me, okay?"

regulus nodded and agreed against his better judgement. "you have my word."

they stared at each other for a long moment. two brothers with two very different stories

sirius saw the pain deep within regulus' eyes. he thought he might cave. then he remembered orion and walburga. he remembered their cruel punishments and their awful beliefs. he remembered the first time he was hit with a torture curse; how he collapsed to his knees wincing in pain, a pain unlike any other he had ever felt before. so he blinked the thought of being their puppet away

he had imagined all his life what it would be like to finally confront his parents. what it would be like to run away. how freeing it would feel; how freedom would taste. how happy he would be to escape. but now as he stood minutes away from that reality it was nothing like he expected. he thought it would be easy and simple. he never imagined to have second thoughts or any sort of doubt

he had been wrong. he wished he had the courage to stay and continue to watch over regulus. he was at his own breaking point, however. if he stayed, it would kill him. he had to leave. he had to be selfish. he could only hope regulus would understand some day

regulus stared at his elder brother in complete and utter awe of his courage. never once had sirius backed down or begged for their parents mercy. he silently winced in pain whenever his parents used curses on him. i wish i had what you have, he thought. he could never be the brave man his brother had grown to be. but he could save himself. which was all sirius had ever wanted for him; to be a puppet until he could disappear into a kinder world

"come here" sirius mumbled opening his arms towards his baby brother

regulus embraced him as if it would be their last hug. if it was, he wanted to remember it. they squeezed each other tightly. almost tight enough to suffocate the other

sirius released his brother and pulled away keeping his hands on his shoulder

he gave him a stern look, "worry about saving yourself, okay? and ill worry about saving myself."

regulus nodded and watched his brother disappear shaking with fear of what was awaiting his brother in the library

while regulus waited in silence and agonizing worry sirius was making his way to his parents who resided in the library

"you called for me," sirius said stepping into the room

his parents sat on opposite ends of the ouch and stood as their eldest soon entered the room

"yes," orion said quite calmly

"come," walburga demanded waving him further into the library. "we have an important matter to discuss."

sirius nodded and took a seat in the leather chair across from the couch. its now or never, he thought to himself. he did his best to stay calm and composed. if his mother suspect the slightest suspicion from him surly she would read his mind. if that happened he stood no chance

"you are getting older, becoming a man," orion stated

"well spotted," sirius grinned. he had to keep them guessing

"quit it with the jokes young man," his mother hissed sitting up snappily

he nodded at her then turned his attention back to his father

"as you know the war is progressing quickly and this is happening sooner than we anticipated," his father explained

sirius grew warm as his nerves spiked. he thought he knew what this would be about but now he was not so sure. he felt as thought he was playing a game without knowing the rules

"i apologize, im sure you were not expecting this all so soon but," his father paused. if thee orion black was hesitating to speak, sirius knew this was far worse than anything he had anticipated

"you must take the mark at once," his father finally getting down to business

"what!" sirius blurted not intending to

"you heard your father," his mother replied sternly. "you are to take the mark as soon as possible. tomorrow morning to be exact."

sirius sank back in the chair. everything was blurry. his mind was racing, spinning actually. his heart was beating out of his chest or so he thought

this cannot be happening, i was supposed to have at least another year or so before this was asked of me

"well," his father pulling him back to the situation at hand

sirius stood up, "no"

"no?" his parents said in unison puzzled looks on both of their faces

"no," sirius repeated. "i will not"

"it was not a choice young man," his mother started

"it was a demand," his father finished

"and i said no," sirius held his ground

"i will not take the mark of a man who stands for beliefs i do not value let alone agree with. our blood does not make us any more worthy of a place in this world," sirius spat angrily

they stared at him mouths hanging open as if they were astonished by what he had said. were they really expecting anything else? sirius asked himself. they know i would never

"oh dont look so surprised. i was the black sheep of this family for the moment i came out of you. everyone knew it. i was never going to be your heir, your perfect son," he carried on

"you are no son of mine," orion stated standing up and pointing his wand at his son

"if i had any say in the matter, you would never have been my father," he turned to walburga. "and you would have never been my mother."

now walburga stood with her wand pointed at her son slowly inching closer to him

"how dare you disgrace this family. how dare you speak to us in such a way," she hissed like a snake, as her wand pressed into sirius throat so hard he thought shed draw blood

he gulped, suddenly aware he bit off more than he was able to chew at the moment. he should have kept his mouth shut and disappeared silently during the night

before he knew it both his parents had casted the cruciatus curse on him

he knew the feeling all too well. the pain coursing through him, making his knees weak, his body loosing control and unable to stop itself from causing harm

but this time he felt it could kill him. perhaps it was their anger enhancing the curse or simply the force of two curse combined, but for the first time sirius could not bit his tongue and silence his tears

he collapsed to his knees and let out a cry that rang through number twelve grimwald place. he sobbed for what felt like hours, swallowing his pride, and begging, not his parents, but something greater to finish him off

im better off dead he thought as he saw his parents laughing at their son, who finally cracked

#sirius black angst #sirius black #regulus black angst #regulus black #sirius and regulus #harry potter angst

[jennnsartofgettingby]

jegulus angst: an unpublished chapter of a story i was writing on wattpad

cw: mention of child abuse, its angst so proceed with caution loves

regulus rolled up his sleeve slowly, tears silently streaming down his face. he had never cried like this, certainly not in front of james

as he revealed more and more of the dark mark staining his forearm james began to cry as well. he felt a frog forming in his throat and he knew words would not come easily. his eyes couldve burned a hole through regulus arm with the stare he was giving him

he couldnt believe what he was seeing. no, he didnt want to believe it. after everything hed been through with reg had believed with his whole heart that regulus had found the strength to resist his family, his upbringing, to make the tougher choice

james had always had hope for regulus' fate. he spent so much time believing reg was capable of turning over a new leaf. how could he know have had hope for him? when sirius had faced abuse from their parents, been abandoned bye them, and decided before he was even enrolled in school to pave his own path. james had watched the eldest black son crush every standard and expectation the world held for him all because of his last name. he watched sirius give a middle finger to anyone who told him what to do or who to be

so of course he believed with all his heart regulus would one day do the same. how could he not?

but now regulus stood before him broken, shattered, beaten and bruised, with the dark mark tainting his forearm, wearing a lifeless expression

"iii-" james mumbled his hand reaching up to cover his mouth as he was still in pure disbelief

"i thought you were on our side," his was voice shaking. it was so hard to speak "how could you lie to me about this of all things?"

"did they make you? or did you choose this? please tell me it was forced. please tell me you werent lying this whole damn time," james begged

"im really sorry," regulus managed with a broken tone the words barely able to roll off his tongue

regulus finally looked at james. he didnt say it but his eyes were begging for mercy. they were pleading for james to give him yet another chance. james shook his head at regs silent attempt at forgiveness

"get out." james ordered through gritted teeth, more upset with himself than regulus. how could he have been so naive?

all regulus could do was nod and leave without another word

as james watched him walk out of his parents house everything flashed before his eyes

he saw regulus the shy, timid, and scrawny boy with trembling lips as he asked his brothers best friend if he could sit with him in the library. he remembered the way regulus body relaxed as he opened his books and fell into his own little world

he saw regulus sitting under their tree crying because he was so torn over the war. he remembered regulus confiding in him for the first time and how easy it was to find comfort in each other. how easily they understood each other despite their polar opposite upbringings

he saw regulus humming and tapping his foot to james's poem insisting it be turned into a song. he remembered the first time they ever sang it together and regulus's cocky smile saying 'i told you so' when the people around them began clapping and cheering

he saw regulus, sleepy, pale, and youthful snuggling into his arms dozing off to sleep in the moonlight the first time he snuck him into his dorm room. he remembered how late he slept for the first time in his life and how it felt to wake up next to reg with their bodies intertwined

it wasnt just regulus who walked out that door but apart of james too. a chunk of his adolescence, a section his memories, all that was left of his innocence, and his trust, left with regulus that day

but before he was out of sight regulus glanced over his shoulder to take one look at james again. right then james didnt see regulus but rather sirius; brave and kind and mischievous and free and daring. he knew deep down regulus had a plan, yet another secret, that he had told another lie

it took everything inside of james to not run after regulus and tell him theyd find a way; to scream that he knew regulus was hiding something and this time he wouldn't stand for it

but james couldnt yell. he couldnt scream. he couldn't save him. he couldn't beg any more. he couldnt even move. he was frozen. all he could do was collapse against the wall pulling his knees to his chest and begging some greater power, one far more capable than wizards, to put an end to his pain, to regulus's pain

it was all a lie, everything was a lie. he thought over and over and over again until he felt his brain might burst open

he rocked back and forth sobbing for what felt like hours upon hours until he was so exhausted that he past out

and there he laid in the doorway of his childhood home, completely robbed of a proper love story

#james potter #regulus black #jegulus #harry potter #james potter imagine #regulus black imagine #jegulus angst

[jennnsartofgettingby]

tw: s.h mentions

time will heal the pain you feel in these moments—thats more or less the first thing anyone ever told me when i started going to therapy. for the record, they were wrong. its been almost four years and it hasnt stopped hurting; the emotional pain that is. i sort of stopped feeling the physical pain awhile ago. i guess its something that happens after years of self harm, you just stop feeling it. it stops hurting or i guess it hurts in a good way. the good way where you feel better afterwards. i still felt the pain but it was like i got off on it. it fueled me. if i could train myself to tolerate physical pain, enjoy it even, why hadnt i mastered the art of numbing my emotions? i never figured out why and i dont believe i ever will. i was doomed to feel every last emotion until my world went dark.

[jennnsartofgettingby]

“were gonna prove our parents wrong,” he told me matter-of-factly. he said it without a trace of doubt. his expression did not waver. he said it and he meant it

“yeah?” i raised an eyebrow

he nodded, “yeah.”

i smiled leaning into him, “i swear you and me and jesse and willow and skip, were gonna make it out of here.”

if there was even a dream id always had it was to get far away from this nowhere town. and even more it was the only dream all of us ever shared. each of us was different from another. i thought it was the best thing about us; five completely different kids acting with one heart.

he laughed lightly, “youll always have me you know.”

“why do you believe in me?” i asked peering up at him

“you’ve never failed me. how can i not believe in the one constant ive got in my life?”

i smirked, “the only constant is change. so youve got two constants then.”

“and you still dont believe youre smart?”

“im not smart enough. sure i can remember grand sayings, read a book in a day, and translate some latin but nobody needs that these days.”

“they will. they will cause its you”

[jennnsartofgettingby]

hi my loves, welcome

this is my sideblog for writing while my main is @philocxlyy

most of these posts are random excerpts i would use if i ever wrote a book

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