jaydejohnson-writes

[jaydejohnson-writes]

Find me at @jaydejohnsonwrites

[jaydejohnson-writes]

81

It had been a year and Taylor’s life had changed a lot! After coming back from New Jersey, he met with his friends to apologize. They listened to him describe why he had attempted to take his life with sympathy and compassion. It wasn’t his fault. Even though they didn’t know the extent of what he was going through, they knew he had to have been in a lot of pain to think that was his only way out. It was something they couldn’t even begin to imagine.

They had learned a lot about suicidal depression from Chester and why he had chosen to do it. They were thankful that he was still with them. So was he. Mike had asked him in private about his relationship with Jon. He promised to be as open-minded as possible, though it would be very difficult. What happened after he went back to his place? Did they hook up? Yeah, twice before he left.

Did they use protection? Yes. Thank God! What about him running away? What made him think he could walk to the airport, get on a plane and fly back to LA? He had no fucking idea! All he was thinking about was getting the fuck out! It was impulsive and stupid! David had scolded him and he deserved it one million percent! Mike had to laugh a little. It was the dumbest, most impulsive thing he had ever done! He laughed because it was true! Yeah, it was really, really, really dumb!

Staying with David and Lexi had given him the stability he needed to give his brain a break. He helped them around the house and with running errands. Plus getting rid of a mouse. He should have taken a video of that because it was just so cool. How did the mouse get in? They had no idea! David figured it snuck in somehow when the door was open.

As for his meeting Joe, he had done that at a local restaurant near his apartment. It was more casual and less stressful for him. Joe listened as he talked about his childhood. He had gone through a lot in his twenty years of life. Even if he wasn’t his father, he asked permission to keep in touch. Taylor accepted. They went to a clinic and had their cheeks swabbed with a Q tip. The results came back negative. He was not his father.

Joe is not my father. The results came back negative. – Taylor

This was not in his dream! After saying goodbye to Joe, he went over to Mike’s. He and Anna comforted him because he was upset. Tess probably had no fucking clue who his father was, or she did and she was too narcissistic to tell him. He wanted a paternity test Michael but that would mean talking to him and Tess. Did he really want to know? Yes, he did because he wanted that part of him. He wanted a father he could call dad. No offense to Tom, but he wasn’t biological.

“I want him to meet me and be proud of me. Just like in my dream. I saw Joe being my dad and us being a family.”

“Maybe he’s still out there and he doesn’t know about you yet”, Anna said.

“Maybe.”

taylorjhanks: My dad was able to convince Michael to submit a DNA sample for a paternity test. Tess was right. He is not my father and never had been. As much as I love my dad, there’s that unanswered question of who my father is, and I need that answer. I feel horrible sometimes because as much as I want to meet my father and be his son, I feel like I’m stabbing my dad in the heart. He adopted me. Why should I be looking for more? Why does it matter? It does matter because I have so many questions about who I am and where I came from. I learned this is common among adopted children. I still feel horrible.

Don’t be. Tom gave his approval to search for his father. He was not hurt in any way. Was he sure? Yes, he promised. He hugged him. No matter what, he was and always would be his son. Thanks.

While he searched, he continued modeling. He had rejoined Polo Ralph Lauren for their summer collection. It gave him something to do and it kept him busy. Mike hardly saw him. He had to keep up with him through text messages and his social media. When he did visit, it was like old times with them being best friends. Anna got used to seeing him in the house again.

Taylor was hanging out with Joe at his apartment. He was in town with Johnny Depp and Alice Cooper, so he invited them to come with him. They had heard of him and had seen a picture but they had yet to meet him. His apartment was a little messy, which he apologized for. He had been busy with work. It wasn’t too bad. There were a few dishes in the sink and some debris on the floor of his living room. Joe asked about it. He explained he had been cleaning out his book bag.

“My dad would call this a pig style.”

They laughed as they sat down. His hair had grown out again. Yeah, he was debating if he should keep growing it out, cut it or do an undercut. It was currently past his chin and almost down to his shoulders. Jon thought he should grow it out to an afro and curl it. Did he ever do the DNA test with his stepfather? Yeah. It had come back as negative.

Johnny asked if he was searching for his father. Yeah, he was. His birth mother had told Tom it was Joe. For nineteen years, he had thought it was his stepfather. He was relieved it wasn’t him! How come? Both he and his birth mother were narcissistic. He cut contact with them when he was eighteen after he came out to them as a gay transgender man. They had never met him after his transition because his parents wouldn’t let them near him.

“I call them Michael and Tess, instead of mom and dad.”

“Where did you grow up “, Alice asked.

“I grew up in Agoura Hills. It’s a suburb outside of LA. It’s middle and upper-middle class.”

How did he meet his parents? They were friends of Michael and Tess, so he had grown up with them. His mother's name was Tess? Yeah. Tess Johnson. That name rang a bell but Alice couldn’t place from where he knew her. He continued listening as he continued talking to Joe and Johnny. What did he do for work? He was a model. How did he like the modeling industry? Johnny’s daughter was wanting to be a model. It was ok.

He did it for the money and to be able to afford his necessities like medication, groceries, and rent. It wasn’t something he wanted to do for the rest of his life. What did he want to do? He wanted to be a musician and start a nonprofit organization to help girls who were survivors of sexual abuse. It was all planned out in his head. He just needed help to get started.

His idea piqued their interest. What was he thinking? He wanted to support girls by offering them age-appropriate medical and mental health services, GED services, and legal services. Why was he wanting to do that? He was a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. His abuser had given him HIV. He found out that he had also abused other girls, as well. They were bringing a lawsuit against him for psychological damages. He wasn’t sure if they were also infected with HIV.

They expressed compassion and sympathy. Childhood abuse of any kind was the worst thing an adult could do. Now, he not only had psychological trauma but also a deadly disease that would eventually kill him. As they continued talking, they found him to be open, honest, friendly, and a genuine person. He didn’t shy away from talking about who he was as a person. Instead, he was an open book.

“I'm honest because it keeps me accountable. It’s harder for me to lie because you guys can always come back with ‘I thought you mentioned… Whatever.’ Though, if you ask me about Bon Jovi, then I may never shut up”, he joked.

They laughed.

@astrotravelingg @zoeykaytesmom @feelingsofaithless @jovichic-bonjovi4ever

[jaydejohnson-writes]

80

Taylor was truly unafraid of things creepy and crawly. A mouse had somehow got into David and Lexi’s house. He asked for a Tupperware container. Did he need a lid? Nah. He thought he wouldn’t need it. The mouse curled up trembling in fear underneath the kitchen cabinet. It was not outside but somewhere unfamiliar and strange. He had to get the mouse into the container with as little contact as possible.

He used a dishcloth and gently nudged the mouse into the container. Got it! Did he get it? Yeah. He slowly got up and showed the hostage to them. Its little body turned in circles as it looked for a way out. If he could, he would keep it but unfortunately, it belonged outside.

He brought it out to the backyard. It shivered in the cool air before running off. He went back inside where David was laughing in amusement. He just saved them hundreds of dollars by not having to hire a professional! You’re welcome! He laughed again. How did he know what to do? He had dealt with mice before. Mostly at Springsteen's farm. They called him to do it because he wasn’t scared of mice.

What animal was he scared of? Spiders. He hated spiders! If he saw one, it was getting his shoe or whatever he could throw at it. They laughed. That was a common fear. Almost anything else, he didn’t have a problem with.

The following day, they told the guys what happened. They all got a kick out of him rescuing a mouse. How big was it? It wasn’t very big. Smaller than his hand, though he didn’t want to pick it up because he didn’t know what diseases it had. That was a smart choice! It was maybe the size of two quarters. Another thing he could have tried was to put peanut butter on a plate. They had never heard of that.

“One time, I don’t remember how old I was but a mouse got into the Springsteen’s house. That’s how Bruce was able to catch it. He used maybe a teaspoon of peanut butter. More or less. He set the plate down by the mouse. It got on the plate and he brought it outside probably to be eaten by wildlife or whatever.”

“What did he do with the peanut butter?”

“He probably threw it away. Anyway, yeah. Apparently, they love peanut butter!”

The guys laughed. They noticed that he and Jon had worked things out. After he left to run errands, Jon confirmed that he had called him up after 72 hours and apologized for getting upset. They talked through what happened and why he had been angry with him. It was his fear of being abandoned that led to him pushing him away. Jon apologized again for their inappropriate relationship.

Jon promised to do a better job at setting boundaries with him. He needed someone to tell him if what he was doing was inappropriate. They agreed. Good for them for working things out! Yeah. They had twenty years of friendship and they both had too much respect for each other to walk away for good. The only reasons he would walk away are if he ever became abusive, aggressive, or didn't respect his boundaries. Those were his deal-breakers.

They noticed how well he was doing since moving in with David and Lexi. He had gone from the couch into a spare bedroom, where he had privacy. They set ground rules for him. They expected him to join them for dinner and help out with errands and around the house. He also couldn’t sleep past noon. How was he doing? He was doing great!

He was eager to help out with whatever they needed. David told them everything about how he was getting along. It was a 180° turnaround from when he was in the hospital.

When he came back, they heard him talking to someone on the phone. Jon shrugged. He could be talking to anyone. Taylor came in after saying goodbye. They said hello to him. Who was he talking to? His dad. He wanted to know if he wanted to audition to be a backup dancer for Taylor Swift or audition for Saturday Night Live. What did he say? He told him he had two left feet. They laughed.

What about Saturday Night Live? He was eh about that. The competition was tough and he didn’t want it just because he was Tom Hanks’ son. He would audition but if he didn't get it, that was fine. Has he ever used his last name to get anything? No, he hadn’t and he promised himself he never would. That’s why he wanted to be professionally known as Taylor Jordan instead of Taylor Hanks. Well, unless it got him a boyfriend. Then, he might. They laughed.

“My line is pretty much ‘Hi. I’m Taylor. I’m awkward.’”

What did he get at the store? He had to check his phone because Lexi had given him a list. It was mostly groceries, which he had dropped off and put away before he came back over. He had also picked up his prescription at the pharmacy. He read off the list. The only thing he couldn’t get was wine because he was underage. That was fine. They could get it later.

taylorjhanks: You know you’re funny when your dad suggests auditioning for SNL! I may do it but I’m not 100 percent sure yet! It’s tough competition and it would mean moving to New York, but it’s something to think about. Yesterday, I successfully captured a mouse at David and Lexi’s in Colts Neck. I’ve been staying with them the past few days after Jon and I got into an argument. It’s not worth talking about anymore. Anyway, the status of the mouse is undetermined. Hopefully, it returned to wherever he or she came from. Do mice have nests? Does anyone know this?

Mice burrow underground away from their prey. That was the answer to his question. He knew that but it was hidden away somewhere in his brain. At the end of the day, Jon asked if he wanted to come back to his place or stay with David and Lexi. It didn’t matter to either of them and they would not be hurt one way or another. After some time to think, he decided to go back to Jon. Ok. He and Jon would follow him to his place to pick up his stuff.

Jon and Taylor brought his stuff back into his room, where it had been before. They set it down on the floor out of the way before getting on his bed. What were the rules? Jon thought about that as he laid on his back. He didn’t know.

“I'm stuck between wanting to be a role model and a positive influence for you and being in love with you. I don’t know, baby. Part of me wants to marry you and take care of you, even if it’s wrong.”

“You are and always have been my role model. No matter what. Nothing you could do could ever change that. I don’t care that you’re Jon Bon Jovi. I love you because of the man you are.”

He laughed a little. “That’s why I love you. We have a week left. You know what? Fuck the rules. What they don’t know won’t hurt them.”

He laughed as he straddled him. Jon ran his fingers through his hair as he leaned forward and kissed him. Taylor pulled away for a moment and took off his shirt. Even though he couldn’t marry him, that didn’t mean he couldn’t have him while he was still with him. The house was quiet except for them. The bedsheets were going to be wet before they were done and that was how they wanted them.

@astrotravelingg @zoeykaytesmom @feelingsofaithless @jovichic-bonjovi4ever

[jaydejohnson-writes]

79

Taylor had his T-cells checked. They were a little low at 450. Was that normal for him? Yes, they were never stable for very long. They liked to fluctuate, even with his medication. He often wasn’t aware they were low until he either got sick or had them checked every three months. What did he do when he didn’t feel well? He stayed in his apartment and he only allowed people to visit if they were feeling well. That also included their spouses and children or anyone else they were around regularly.

He, his friends, and his family didn't want to risk him getting even sicker. How long did it take to feel better? About a couple of weeks. The first few days, he felt like shit but then he was bored as he got better. When was he diagnosed with HIV? He was nineteen, so a year ago. The doctor wasn’t going to ask how he was infected because it wasn’t his business. Thank you.

He was advised to take it easy for the rest of the week to give his body a chance to rest. David, Tico, and Phil were listening to the entire conversation, though they didn’t say anything as the questions were directed to Taylor. His HIV was as complicated as he was. There was never really any stability with his blood cells. He could be healthy one day than in the hospital the next. It was unfair and they wished he didn’t have HIV. He didn’t deserve that.

After the doctor left, Tico asked how he was doing. He was feeling better. Good. He apologized for running off. They forgave him, even though they were not happy he had done it. He understood. When he was discharged, he would be going home with David and he would be helping his family around the house and with errands. He could do that. David thanked him for not fighting him about it.

When they got to his house, Lexi set him up on the couch. He put his stuff on the floor out of the way. The house was big and he remembered having dinner there. The kids were at school, so it was a perfect time for him and Lexi to talk to him. At the hospital, he had gone from being upset to being calm and polite. Even with what happened between him and Jon, he appeared to be in a normal mood. Was earlier part of his BPD? Was it an episode?

David asked him questions about his relationship with Jon. When did it start? It started when he was eighteen. Jon had kissed him. After that, he started calling him ‘Baby’. They texted regularly about whatever. When did it turn sexual? Just recently. He had tried before but he always told him no because he didn’t want to take advantage of him. Besides the nickname, did anything else happen? No.

They told each other I love you and kissed but that was it. Who initiated the sexual relationship? They both did. Did he give him the chance to say no? Oh, yeah. He never forced him to do anything he was uncomfortable with.

“Jon was the one who said no to me. He said things like ‘I love you but I’m not going to have sex with you. This is inappropriate.’ He told me that because of my being abused, I didn’t know what was appropriate, especially with older men.”

“That makes me feel a lot better knowing that he never did anything inappropriate with you.”

He shook his head. “No.”

What the hell happened earlier? He was having an episode. It was the fear of abandonment and rejection mixed with impulsivity. He just felt he had to leave the situation. It was something he had been taught in anger management. He didn’t have a plan on how he was going to get to the airport, so he just started walking.

His mind convinced him that everything going on was his fault and it was better to leave before it all came back on him, as in they all left him. He thought that Jon had abandoned him, so he was hurt and angry. Did he have a history of running away? He used to run away when he was in high school, even though his birth parents never noticed he was gone. Sometimes he would just leave and drive around LA, even in the middle of the night. He didn’t even have to sneak out like other teenagers.

Sometimes he would drive to the high school and hang out there until security or the police kicked him out. Lexi asked where his parents were. They were at a Hollywood event, party, or wherever they could be seen. That was his entire childhood. He found out in therapy that they had the symptoms of narcissism or they fit the criteria for narcissism.

He was raised by babysitters and his parents came home to put him to bed, get him up every morning, and bathe him. The bare minimum for parenting. He was put in dance lessons, voice lessons, and piano lessons after school or on the weekends to keep him busy. Even though he was into rock music, he was trained on Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston. The only wise decision his birth parents made was to not get him involved in Hollywood at a young age.

“They had heard stories of kids being sexually abused by adults in the industry, so they said no to that. That was the only good decision they ever made for me.”

“When were you adopted”, David asked.

“About a year ago but they let me go by Taylor Hanks before it was legal.”

Taylor needed positive male role models in his life, who didn’t want to use him for sex. Preferably older male role models. He understood that his relationship with Jon was wrong, though he went back and forth between defending it and being angry with him. David, Tico, Hugh, and Phil loved him unconditionally like he was their son but they could only parent him from a distance. Did he know the difference between appropriate and inappropriate?

David didn’t know. He told the guys the next day of their conversation. Taylor had shown remorse for running away and he didn’t doubt it was genuine. He was like a puppy with his tail between his legs. At the same time, he also defended it. Taylor needed help. He needed someone to sit down with him and tell him what was appropriate and what wasn’t. Otherwise, he was going to keep going back to being used.

“He’s at the age where he’s going through a lot of changes. He just transitioned a year ago, so he’s wanting what a lot of kids his age want. He’s also going through pretty severe mental health issues. I can’t imagine what it’s like in his head. I don’t think I even want to know. He did ask that we not tell his parents about him running away or his relationship with Jon. I decided to respect that. That’s not for me to tell them.”

“We won’t tell them either”, Hugh said.

How was he otherwise? He was wonderful! Very polite to both him and Lexi. Taylor was a good kid. He just had to remember that. They agreed. He was trying his best with the circumstances he was given and the storm inside his head. David had scolded him. That was enough. They would let it go and not mention it anymore. What about Jon? They saw him enter the room. He nodded then apologized. What for?

He apologized for his inappropriate relationship with Taylor. They were right. He needed help and he was going to seek out a therapist to find out if there was anything he could do to prevent it from happening again. How about not falling in love with a child? Despite him being twenty years old, to them, he was still a child. That was what disgusted them the most. He was their son and he knew better. They would allow him back in the band but he wasn’t off the hook. Thank you.

@astrotravelingg @zoeykaytesmom @feelingsofaithless @jovichic-bonjovi4ever

[jaydejohnson-writes]

78

“No, baby. Listen. They’re angry with me. You did nothing wrong, ok? I’m going to go back out with David. Are you going to be ok?”

David found Taylor with Jon in the kitchen upset. He had just been told what was going on and he had started crying quietly because he blamed himself. David walked in on Jon attempting to calm him down by explaining it wasn’t his fault and they weren’t angry with him. He nodded as he wiped his tears with his hands. They then noticed him as he stood in the entryway.

Would he be ok if he went back outside? Yeah, he was going to call Mike. Ok. David came over and affirmed that the band was not angry with him. They were angry with Jon. He had done nothing wrong. Again, he nodded. They would come back to see how he was doing. Ok.

Mike was not expecting Taylor to call him on FaceTime. When he answered the call, he found him with tears in his eyes. What’s wrong? He was coming back to LA. Wait? Why? He told him everything, including his fear that the band was going to walk away from him. It was better that he left right away because they were going to kick him out. Did they say that? No. They had told him it wasn’t his fault. Where were they? Outside talking to Jon.

Again, Richie was brought into the fight. Jon had tried to remain calm but when Richie was brought up, he found that difficult. He hated Richie for what he had done and he hated himself more because it never would have happened if he hadn’t pushed him to mentor him! When Taylor was being raped, he had called him and asked if he could move to Red Bank. He said no. Every time Taylor needed him, he wasn’t there.

He blamed himself over and over because he could have stopped the abuse. Don’t compare him to Richie because he was dead to him! Still, it was inappropriate, and Taylor was vulnerable! You need help! What did he need help with? The didn’t know but he needed help with something! Taylor was blaming himself because he thought they hated him! Where was Taylor? He was inside. Hugh went to go see how he was doing.

I’m separating myself from the memories of so long ago. You and me. Those days you used to bounce me on your knee. You pretended you knew everything. Your big hair days. Your rock n roll ways. The poster I had in my bedroom. Every Christmas Eve, the way you would light up the tree and hold me up to put the star on the top. Your house on the lake. Holding on to summer in the Hamptons. Maybe I need to walk away. Maybe this is my debt to pay. Maybe we both need a break. I love you but my mind is telling me to run. Twenty years. I never thought it would end this way. – Taylor

He came back ten minutes later. Taylor wasn’t inside. They all went to the house, went inside, and looked around. His stuff was gone and so was he. Jon got his phone and called Mike, who told him that he was on his way to the airport. He didn’t know which one or how, but he couldn’t talk him out of it. Jon took the phone and went to check the garage. His cars were still there.

They had to call the police to file a missing person report. Mike asked to be updated. They would definitely do that! Jon ended the call then called the local police station. They were sending two officers to his location. Thank you!

When they got there, they helped him give Taylor’s description, what he was wearing, and if he had any medical or mental health concerns. Yes, he told the officer of his mental health conditions and that he was HIV positive. He was in Red Bank visiting for two months but lived in LA, where they believed he was headed. Was he suicidal? Not that they knew of, though he had been hospitalized for a suicide attempt a month earlier. That was why he was in Red Bank with Jon.

He would most likely be going to Newark International Airport or JFK International Airport in Queens, as those were the two closest to their location. They would notify both airports to be on the lookout for him. They would also put out a bulletin for other officers to be on the lookout for him. Thank you!

Taylor Jordan Hanks

5’7”, 120 pounds

Chin length dark brown hair, dark brown eyes

Last seen wearing a Nike sweatshirt, light grey sweatpants

Maybe going to Newark International Airport or JFK International Airport

The police also were alerted to his mental health and physical health concerns. He may be upset, so officers were advised to use caution. Taylor was spotted about twenty minutes later on the North Service Road heading onto the pedestrian ramp. The police officers pulled over and got out. One of them called out to him. Taylor Hanks? Yeah, that was him. Could he talk to them? Yeah. They went over to a place where he could sit down.

Once he did, one of the officers asked him questions while the other used his two-way radio to alert dispatch that they had found him. 10-4. He got his water bottle from his book bag. Are you doing ok? He was thirsty. Did he feel like he needed to go to the hospital? He suddenly became dizzy, so he laid down. Everything was spinning, so he closed his eyes.

Jon had found out that he had sent him a text while they were fighting. He read it out loud. His phone then rang. Taylor had been found safe! He was in the hospital emergency room for dizziness related to his HIV. They decided to put their differences aside to make sure he was ok.

They all met at the hospital. A nurse brought him to where he was. He had a blanket covering him and he had his hand covering his eyes. David called out to him. He opened his eyes and noticed they were all there. Oh my god! How the hell was he planning on getting to California? He had no fucking idea! They went to his bedside, as the officer left to give them privacy. Was he really thinking of walking all the way to the airport? He wasn’t really thinking at all.

“I’m sorry.”

“So are we. We never should have gotten you involved in our fight.”

“I’m also sorry. I should have known better because I’m older. Our relationship was inappropriate”, Jon said.

“You fucking left me.”

How did he leave him? They looked around confused. Was this his BPD speaking or did he honestly think he had left him? He had left him by giving him promises then breaking them. In the past month, had promised him he would never leave him, that he would always be there and that he loved him. Then, he broke off the relationship. At that moment, they realized he was pushing Jon away out of his fear of abandonment and rejection. “Go away. I hate you. Come back. I love you.” That was how he described it.

He decided to not argue with his logic and instead, apologize. Would he forgive him? Not yet. He was still pissed off! He nodded trying not to take it personally. Ok. He would let him be angry then. After exchanging a nod with Hugh, they switched places. Are you ok? Jon nodded to Tico. Ok.

@astrotravelingg @zoeykaytesmom @feelingsofaithless @jovichic-bonjovi4ever

[jaydejohnson-writes]

77

No. That was Tom’s final answer. He would not approve of Jon marrying Taylor. Jon was disappointed but he thanked him for getting back to him. Did Taylor know? No, he didn’t want to bring it up and risk breaking his heart. That was a good idea. Before ending the call, they said goodbye. Tom genuinely liked Jon but not as a son-in-law! He was too old and it was inappropriate. As much as it hurt to be rejected, he had enough respect for him that he understood his decision.

He went back out to the studio where Taylor was entertaining his band, like usual. Taylor had been in a great mood the last few days. He gave Romeo the attention he wanted by playing with him and having him join him on errands. Romeo loved having someone do almost whatever he wanted! He wanted Taylor to stay forever! Unfortunately, that wasn’t possible but he would keep in touch with him.

Because the kids were gone, he and Jon were sexually active. Jon loved learning new things and he had the same drive as him, even though he was almost thirty years younger. He made him feel young again and he loved taking him in his mouth. Taylor was more experienced than him, as he had only been with women. Taylor’s body was perfect! He loved feeling it with his hands and mouth. Taking off his clothes was like unwrapping a present meant just for him.

“Anyway, yeah. He’s flying in with his wife. I think her name is Billie but I’m not sure. We’re going to do a paternity test.”

“Congratulations. If he’s your father, what are you going to do”, David asked amused.

“I have no fucking clue! I’ll probably have to get it on video to make sure that I didn’t dream it!”

“Wasn’t that part of your dream?”

“Yeah. It was. That’s why I am… I don’t think there’s even a word to describe what I’m thinking right now.”

They laughed.

Who were they talking about? Joe Perry. Jon grinned and asked if they were kidding. No, Tom had texted him asking if he would be willing to do a paternity test with him to see if he was his son. Taylor had said yes, so they scheduled it for when he was back in LA. Did Joe have any other kids? Yeah, he had three sons and a stepson. He had also talked to his friend, Mike while he and Romeo were getting groceries. They talked about doing his EP. They were going to do covers of his favorite grunge/alternative songs from the nineties.

Their friend, Chester was friends with Chris Cornell and he wanted him to do a cover of Black Hole Sun so he could send it to him. What band was Chris Cornell from? Soundgarden. Chester was a huge fan and Chris was a huge inspiration for him. He was also a huge fan of Stone Temple Pilots, so he was probably going to do one of their songs.

“Chester?”

“Chester Bennington. He’s tall and skinny with tattoos everywhere. He looks intimidating but he would never hurt anyone.”

He pulled up a picture of him on his phone and showed it to them. What was his band? Linkin Park. One of Taylor’s favorite bands. He and Chester had similar childhoods, so they had similar mental health problems. When he was having trouble, Chester empathized with him because he knew what he was going through. Who else was in Linkin Park? It was Chester Bennington, Mike Shinoda, Rob Bourdon, Brad Delson, Joe Hahn, and Phoenix Farrell. Rob was his childhood neighbor and babysitter.

He had met Mike at a Hollywood party when he was eighteen and before his transition. Mike introduced him to his band and they took him in as their little brother. They went through his transition with him. Did they meet him as Jayde or Taylor? Taylor, though Rob knew him as Jayde. He had cut his hair, changed the way he dressed, changed his name and pronouns when they met him.

“I told my parents and my dad was like ‘Ok. What do you want us to call you?’ I said that my name was Taylor Jordan. ‘Ok, Taylor. Do you want pizza for dinner?’”

They laughed.

“That’s a great story!”

After the end of the day, everyone said goodbye. Taylor was on the couch going through his phone when Jon came over. Jon rested his head on his shoulder. Should they just get takeout? He was too tired to cook dinner. Taylor laughed then asked what he wanted to eat. Anything. You sound like a teen girl. That made him laugh. How about him? Could he have him? Not on an empty stomach. He laughed again as they both got up.

Back inside, Jon wrapped his arms around him. They had to sit down and talk about what was going to happen when he went back to LA. He didn’t want to but he had to let him go. It wouldn’t be fair to keep him to himself when he was on the other side of the country. He loved him and if he could, he would marry him. They had two more weeks together before he had to go home.

“Baby, you have to go home.”

“I know. I wish I could stay here.”

“So do I. I love you and I want you to be happy, even if it’s not with me. I promise I’ll always be there for you.”

He nodded. “I love you too. I will never love anyone more than you. I guess we knew that it was going to happen eventually.”

“Please don’t think I’m walking away from you because I’m not. I will always be there!”

“Jon, you are the only person who I can trust not to leave me. That’s why I fell in love with you. Besides the fact you’re gorgeous!”

He laughed then kissed him.

Tico had forgotten his sunglasses, so he and Hugh decided to see if Jon was still in the studio. They walked in on Jon kissing Taylor. I love you, baby. This was what they had been hiding? They decided to forget about the sunglasses and confront him early the following day, so they walked outside. Whatever was going on, it was inappropriate and Taylor was vulnerable. They would not allow him to get hurt again. Tico asked him what he thought was going on.

“They’re having sex. This has been going on longer than we probably realize.”

He nodded. “It's about Jon. It’s not about Taylor.”

“Agreed.”

The next day, Tico and Hugh met with Jon before their other band members arrived. They asked Taylor to go inside because they were going to talk about band stuff. Ok. Once he was gone, Jon asked what was going on. Hugh told him what they had seen the other evening. How long has it been going on? He sighed then admitted they had been together since he was eighteen but it was never sexual. They told each other I love you and he called him ‘baby.’ They also kissed.

It had just turned sexual. He had even considered marrying him because he loved him. Did Taylor give consent? Of course. Why the hell was he wanting to marry him? He loved him and wanted to take care of him. Tom had said no to his proposal. The other guys came in and noticed that something was going on.

“He’s too young, Jon! I thought you knew better, especially after what happened with Richie”, Tico shouted.

“You know how many times I’ve beaten myself up over that? I told him to mentor him! I had no fucking idea he was going to hurt him! This is not the same”, he yelled back.

“Somethings got into you, Jon! This isn’t you! You will end the relationship before he goes home!”

“Get your head out of your ass”, Tico added angrily.

“I’m going to go find Taylor”, Jon said.

What the hell is going on? Tico would tell them later. They had to pretend that they weren’t fighting for Taylor. They agreed. With that, David went to find both Taylor and Jon.

@astrotravelingg @zoeykaytesmom @feelingsofaithless @jovichic-bonjovi4ever

[jaydejohnson-writes]

76

taylorjhanks: Suicide is not about death. It’s wanting to end the pain. A month ago, I tried taking my own life. Suicidal depression is lonely, isolating and you think that nobody cares. You’re tired of your mind beating you up. You make jokes about dying and you talk about how much better everything will be without you. You look up the best ways to end your life and you think about who will find your body. You mentally say goodbye to your family and friends and you think about how they won’t have to worry about you anymore. Your brother won’t have to fight for your parents’ attention because they will be able to focus on him. You think about how your friends will be able to go back to how their lives used to be before they met you. Then, you wake up in the emergency room, and you see your family crying. A suicide attempt isn’t a cry for attention, it’s a cry for help.

One month. There were still unanswered questions about why he tried taking his own life. Taylor answered them one by one as Jon and the band asked them. When they found out he was in the hospital for an attempt, they were heartbroken and scared. Was he going to be ok? They found out that he had been close to drowning. He had been found a few minutes before his body shut down. It was a miracle he didn’t have brain damage.

He wasn’t responsive when he was found. Paramedics had to get the water out of his lungs and then give him oxygen. They also worked on reversing his drug overdose. They considered him extremely lucky to still be alive! What drug did he overdose on? Adderall. He had taken them a few at a time until he passed out. When he was under, he didn’t have his life flashing before his eyes but dreams of what was awaiting him. He saw himself meeting Elton John and singing for him, him and Mike getting engaged, then him becoming a father.

He also saw releasing an album, finding his biological father, and meeting the brothers he didn’t know he had. That was all he could remember. What song did he perform for Elton John? It was either Your Song or Tiny Dancer. He didn’t have the light at the end of the tunnel? No. It was just like watching a movie about what he could still do in his life.

“It was weird because Mike and his wife, Anna are married but they got divorced. Mike and I got engaged but he developed a drinking problem because he was going through depression and stress over my HIV. So, we broke up. I ended up dating Anna and we found out that she was pregnant. That’s when I woke up. My parents were pissed off when they found out!”

They laughed.

“What about Mike?”

“He was in rehab and had given me the ok to be with Anna because he both wanted us to be happy.”

What would happen if he met Elton John in real life? He would freak the fuck out! They laughed again. Who was his biological father? Joe Perry. That was probably one of the coolest parts of his dream. It was surreal. What if? What if what he dreamed actually came true? Jon didn’t know what he thought about that. Neither did the other guys. How long was he asleep? An hour or two? They couldn’t explain it.

It was later that Jon found Taylor talking and building things out of Legos with Romeo while his brothers did their homework or did their own thing. Romeo was thrilled to have someone to play with him because he was usually alone. Jon stood outside listening to them with a smile on his face. It was adorable! He then walked in and made his presence known. Hi, Daddy! He bent down to where they were on the floor. What are you doing?

Mike missed Taylor. He would be home in a month but that wasn’t soon enough. The thing he missed the most was having him come over to hang out. Even Anna missed having him. They both knew why he had to leave for two months. Still, the house was too quiet without him. Hey, Mikey! Yeah, he missed that. He couldn’t wait for him to come home.

“Mikey, if I put Red Bull in my coffee…”

“You would be in the hospital for a caffeine overdose!”

“What if it was decaf coffee?”

“Chester, you’re going to give yourself a heart attack! Don’t do it!”

He left holding the pot of coffee. Phoenix got up and followed him to make sure he didn’t mix the two. The guys were working on their new album when Chester came in from getting a refill of coffee. Coffee and Chester went together like apples and oranges. He could not survive without coffee! Phoenix came back in with him behind him. Did he do it? No. Good! They didn’t need another hospital visit! Phoenix laughed as they sat down.

Rob got up and sat down next to Mike. He missed Taylor, too. They shared a look and Mike nodded. It was as if they could read each other’s minds. He would be home soon but not soon enough. What would he be like when he came home? Would he still be depressed? Would they have to make sure he didn't hurt himself? Or would he be the energetic Taylor they knew and loved?

Fuck it! Mike got the iPad and called him on FaceTime. The call went through and soon they all saw his face. Hey! They said hello to him. How was he doing? He was better though still up and down. At the moment, he and Jon were playing Legos with Romeo. Did they know about his new diagnoses? Yes and no. He told them that he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder – not otherwise specified and Borderline Personality Disorder. His bipolar diagnosis meant he had the symptoms of bipolar, except he didn’t have manic episodes.

He then described his BPD diagnosis. It was not that uncommon to be diagnosed with BPD and bipolar.

“Oh! Cool! Daddy, I made a plane!”

They laughed.

“Was that the kid who was eating dinosaur cereal?”

“Yes. Yes, it is.”

He moved his phone so Romeo could say hi. Chester asked how old he was. He proudly stated he was seven and in kindergarten! Cool! Did he like dinosaurs? No, he just liked eating them! They laughed again. What a cute kid! The camera went back to Taylor. He had sincere happiness on his face. His hair had grown out to his chin. Was he growing it out again? Yeah. He wasn’t sure how far, though. Maybe down to his shoulders. They missed him! He missed them, too! When he got back to LA, they would have to meet up. Definitely! He was excited about that!

After talking for a while, they said goodbye. There was relief that he was doing better. Brad looked up Borderline Personality Disorder on the laptop. He read each symptom out loud slowly one by one.

“An intense fear of real or imagined abandonment, a pattern of unstable relationships, rapid changes in self-identity and self-image, periods of stress-related paranoia and loss of contact with reality lasting from a few minutes to a few hours, impulsive and risky behavior, suicidal ideation, wide mood swings lasting from a few hours to a few days, ongoing feelings of emptiness and inappropriate and intense anger.”

“Yeah, that’s Taylor! That’s almost spot on”, Mike said.

“Its found in victims of abuse.”

Now that they understood more about the disorder, the more they could learn how to help him. It wasn’t his fault. Mike told himself that he would look more into it later.

@astrotravelingg @zoeykaytesmom @feelingsofaithless @jovichic-bonjovi4ever

[jaydejohnson-writes]

76

Jon was in the shower washing his body while thinking about Taylor. It was his first experience with another man but he had been a great teacher. Was he attracted to other men? No, just Taylor and his gender had nothing to do with it. He admitted that he had fallen in love with him. For the first time in four years, he didn’t want anyone else except him. If he could, he would marry him and take care of him for whatever life he had left.

He would spend whatever money was necessary to keep him alive. Whether it was medications, doctor's visits, hospital stays, or experimental treatments, he would pay for them. He would not let him die of HIV or AIDS. No, he was too young. He was not going to say goodbye to him. It was selfish but he wasn’t ready to lose him.

They had spent the night talking until they fell asleep. He got his clothes and went into the shower after waking up. Taylor was still fast asleep, so he moved gently to not wake him up. He looked so innocent while asleep, almost like a little kid. It was adorable! The covers of the bedsheets went up to his neck, so the only thing visible was his head. His long dark brown hair almost covered his eyes as he laid on his side. He got his phone and took a picture because he had to show him what he looked like.

Thanks, babe! Jon laughed. He had shown him the picture a half-hour later after he woke up. Jon had noticed he was awake, so he sat down on his side of the bed. It was ten o’clock, which was about the time he usually woke up. He leaned down and kissed him. Jon then got up, so he could get dressed. The kids were coming over, so he had to be ready before they arrived. He decided to take a shower.

While he was doing that, he went downstairs with his phone. He had a phone call to make. First, he had to think of how to approach the question he wanted to ask Tom. Yes, marrying him was inappropriate considering their age differences. At the same time, he wanted to take care of him for the rest of his life. That was both mentally and physically. When he had a plan, he found his phone number and called him fully prepared for him to say no.

Tom let him explain himself before asking questions about his intentions. Yes, Taylor was almost twenty-one years old and was able to consent to marriage. Tom just wanted to make sure that nothing happened before he turned eighteen. No, he hadn’t even looked at him until he started staying with him. He would never fall in love with a child. Ok, he trusted him.

As for marrying him, he needed to talk to Rita before he made his decision. I understand. Thank you for letting me talk to you. Rita noticed Tom walking back inside the house they had rented. Who called? Jon. Did something happen to Taylor? No, he was calling to ask to marry him! What?

“I was tempted to say absolutely not!”

“Why does he want to marry him?”

“He told me he wants to be the one to take care of him for the rest of his life. I don’t know what to say. He promised me nothing inappropriate happened before he turned eighteen. He’s never given us any reason not to trust him. Taylor is too young to get married! On the other hand, he adores Jon, and maybe having him in his life would be good for him because he could provide him with stability.”

“Let's think this over and then, we can make our decision.”

He nodded. “That’ what I told him.”

Bruce was older than both Tom and Rita, so they asked him what he would do. He would meet with Jon face to face about why he wanted to marry Taylor. There was no reason to suspect anything inappropriate happened because he wasn’t that type of person. Since meeting face to face wasn’t an option, he suggested having a video call with him when they got back home. He told them to lay out their concerns while not being too hard on him. It sounded like his intentions were honest.

If Taylor was his son, he would want to know when he fell in love with him and if he was prepared to handle his mental and physical health issues. There was also the question of what would happen if he was having trouble. Would he be able to hospitalize him? Or if he was nearing the end of his life, what were his plans for that? They agreed then thanked him for his input and opinions.

Taylor had eaten breakfast after taking a shower and getting dressed. He heard the boys coming in from outside. Jesse, 16, Jake, 9, and Romeo, 7. Stephanie, 18 was in college in New York but came home during school breaks and kept up to date with her parents and brothers through texting. The boys were excited to see Taylor and they said hello to him. He waved back as his mouth was full of cereal he had found in the cupboard.

Jake and Jesse went up to their rooms with Jon behind them. Romeo stayed downstairs. He came over to see what he was doing. What are you eating? It was a bowl of Rice Crispy’s he found in the cupboard. Did he like Rice Crispy’s? He thought about it then nodded. Sometimes mommy lets him get cereal with dinosaurs! Cool! He would have to get that when he was back in California!

Jesse had to finish his homework for math class while Jake didn’t have any homework. Jon told Jesse to finish it before he went back to his mom’s. He promised he would. Did he need help with it? No, it was just basic algebra. If he needed help, he was told to ask. He again promised he would.

taylorjhanks: Romeo Bongiovi. One of the coolest kids I’ve ever met! He wants everyone to know that sometimes he eats cereal with dinosaurs. If that’s not cool, then I don’t know what is! He doesn’t have a favorite dinosaur, though. “I just like eating them.” I thought that was fair enough. Anyway, that’s my update for now.

Taylor posted a selfie of him and Romeo with his bowl of cereal also in the picture. It was a cute picture! Taylor had always liked kids! He could relate to them and he loved playing with them.

Jon was happy to have his kids with him and Taylor. It took his mind off of the anxiety over waiting for Tom’s reply to his question. Romeo was going to be in and out as he played by himself or Taylor. Jesse and Jake would most likely go outside and play football.

Being a dad was what he was meant to do and he took the role seriously. Raising boys was easier than raising a daughter but he thought he and Dorothea had done a great job raising Stephanie. Even though the pain and anger of the divorce, neither he nor Dorothea took it out on the kids. That was something they were both proud of.

“Daddy! I’m going to go up to my room, ok!”

He laughed. “Ok! Thanks for letting me know!”

He heard his youngest child’s footsteps up the stairs.

Taylor came in and shook his head. What a kid! He laughed. Welcome home, baby! They shared a quick kiss before the kids saw it before going upstairs themselves to check on the kids and make sure they weren't getting into trouble. Romeo! I was playing with that! Uh oh! Jon sighed and told Taylor to let him take care of it. Gladly!

@astrotravelingg @zoeykaytesmom @feelingsofaithless @jovichic-bonjovi4ever

[jaydejohnson-writes]

75

Tom and Rita were doing everything they could to understand their son. He was complicated and complex. They wished they could take away his trauma, mental health issues, and HIV. Did they regret adopting him? No, absolutely not! They would never regret adopting him! He was part of their family and had been his entire life. Taylor was teaching them about not judging people, being resilient, and finding joy in the little things. He also taught them how to walk around the house shirtless.

Since he was in New Jersey for two months, they decided to go away to Greece with Bruce and Patti. The topic of Taylor came up. How was he doing? He was doing ok. Instead of rehab, he was staying with Jon for two months. Why would he be going to rehab? They thought it would be a good way to get him help for his depression and his other issues. Unfortunately, the center they had chosen had been overbooked.

They didn’t think they could come up with another place in a short period, so they called Jon. He could provide one on one support to him, especially since Taylor looked up to him and they were close. His suicide attempt had seemingly come out of nowhere but after talking to his friend, Mike, they learned that it was inevitable. He had been struggling for a while and he had expressed concern. Taylor had told him he was ok to go home.

Mike had a lot of regret because he didn’t insist on going with him. He told himself he was going home to rest. When he found out that he had attempted suicide, he broke down in tears. Could they ask what happened? From what they knew, he had been struggling with being sexually abused as a child. He had also been raped by an older male friend and he was dealing with his boyfriend cheating on him.

He was raped? Yeah. Bruce had wide eyes as he took in that information. Tom told them what they knew. He had been hanging out with him when he started asking inappropriate questions, so he tried to leave. The friend apologized, so he went back. He kissed him and they went up to his room.

“They were on his bed when he freaked out and again, tried to leave. The friend apologized again. He said he didn’t feel like he had a choice. At first, he accused him of rape then retracted. He then blocked him on his social media accounts, along with his phone number. His friends told him because he had said no and had tried to leave, he didn’t give consent.”

“Oh my God! What’s going to happen to the person who did it”, Patti asked?

“Nothing. He doesn’t want the media to find out because he has a daughter and he doesn’t want her to face backlash. We are respecting his decision because it’s not ours to make.”

They wanted to ask who did it but that wasn’t appropriate. The person was no longer in his life? No, he wasn’t. Thankfully. The rape was what they believed pushed him over the edge. They also found out that the guy had been paying him fifty dollars for sex afterward. He had broken off the relationship after months of being together. It was after that, he had gone home and decided to attempt to end his life.

Before his diagnosis of HIV, he had been selling his body to men he found in gay clubs and on the street. He thought that he deserved that. So, he was sexually active? Yes, very. He didn’t know what consent was or that he even had a choice. Being sexually abused had taught him that he deserved to be treated poorly by older men while receiving gifts and money in exchange for sex. They all hated Joe for the damage he had done to Taylor. He didn’t know any better.

Taylor had fun having dinner with David and his family. He was asked questions about who he was and how he knew Bon Jovi. How did he meet them? He had known Jon and his family since he was around two years old because they were friends with his biological parents. So, he had watched him grow up. Then, he met Bon Jovi about two years ago when he stopped by to hang out with Jon when they were in LA.

Was he a fan? Yes, a huge fan! Jon and David laughed. David pointed out that he was possibly their biggest supporter! During the conversation, Lexi found out that he was transgender. She apologized for not knowing. That was perfectly fine! He was open about being transgender because it wasn’t anything to be ashamed of. His birth name was Jayde Johnson but when he came out, he changed his name to Taylor Hanks after his adoptive family.

He considered himself lucky because he didn’t encounter the same level of harassment or transphobia as other transgender people. People who found out were generally supportive. They asked him questions, which he enjoyed as long as the questions were based on curiosity rather than maliciousness.

“Maliciousness. Is that a word”, David asked?

“I think it is but I could be wrong. It just popped into my head.”

After some discussion, he had to look it up. It was. They laughed as David looked defeated. He wanted Taylor’s vocabulary! Taylor laughed. He had no idea where he got it from. Anyway, they were free to ask him questions. Lexi genuinely liked Taylor. She could see why her husband liked him, as well. He had a welcoming personality and was open about who he was. Jon and David could tell that he was trying hard to be liked.

Taylor was Taylor. He was complicated and sometimes he didn’t understand him. David loved him regardless like he was his son. They all did. When he met him, he was outgoing but a little reserved. They didn’t take it personally because he didn’t know them that well. As he got more comfortable, they saw him bloom into the person he was. It was a joy to watch him the past couple of years.

He and Jon were close but he became comfortable opening up to the other band members about who he was. The way they got to know him was through his Instagram posts. There were things he showed on the surface and things he kept inside. On the surface, he was outgoing, friendly, funny, inclusive, and welcoming. Inside, he was unsure, abusive towards himself, terrified of being abandoned, and was a child who never grew up.

taylorjhanks: In Greek mythology, Narcissus was a hunter from Thespiae in Boeotia (alternatively Mimas or modern-day Karaburun, Izmir) who was known for his beauty. According to Tzetzes, he rejected all romantic advances, eventually falling in love with his reflection in a pool of water, staring at it for the remainder of his life. After he died, in his place sprouted a flower bearing his name. This is where we get the word narcissist. I thought that was interesting and I had to share it. Today I learned that David’s last name is Rashbaum. After two or three years of being convinced his last name was Bryan, I have to admit that I was wrong. Anyway, thank you, David and Lexi, for a very fun evening! The food was delicious and the company was amazing! Definitely worth doing again!

davidbryanmusic: It was fun having you over! Next time you’re in Colts Neck or Red Bank, give us a call!

I’m stuffed! Jon laughed. It had been a very fun evening! He was happy they went. Taylor got on the bed and leaned back on the pillow. Jon got in on his side and moved his body to look at him before leaning towards him. They shared a kiss as he rolled over on top of him. He then got up and took off his shirt as Taylor did the same. Taylor ran his hands down his chest, as he got back on top. This was what he had been waiting for. Jon asked for consent before going any further. Yes. He kissed him again but softer.

Jon took off his condom after unloading everything inside it. He didn’t want to leave his body but he had to pull out. After throwing the condom away in the bathroom garbage, he came back to Taylor and laid down. Making love to him was different from making love to a woman and he needed some instructions as to what to do but he was a great teacher! Everything about it had been perfect and they were glad they waited.

Taylor ran his fingers through his hair as he laid back on top of him. I love you. Jon smiled. I love you too, baby. They shared another kiss before he rested his head on his chest.

@astrotravelingg @zoeykaytesmom @feelingsofaithless @jovichic-bonjovi4ever

[jaydejohnson-writes]

74

Tom was at home with Rita when he received a phone call from his agent. Joe Perry would like to talk to him. Could she give him his phone number? What did he want to talk to him about? He said it was in regards to his son, Taylor. Yes, he gave her permission to give him his phone number. He was curious as to what he had to say. What could Joe Perry possibly have to do with his son? Did he even know Taylor? If he did, how? He had never heard him mention him.

A half-hour later, his phone rang again. He heard what sounded like a Bostonian accent. The man on the other end introduced himself as Joe Perry. He apologized for reaching out of the blue. Was this a good time to talk? Yes, it was. What was going on with his son? Joe explained that he had been contacted by his birth mother, Tess Johnson about the possibility of him being his biological father.

“I assumed that Michael was his father.”

“I understand. I haven’t seen Tess since 1989. I don’t want anything from you or your family. All I’m asking for is a chance to meet Taylor and do a DNA test with him.”

What did he know about Taylor? He admitted to not knowing much at all, so he told him everything. Taylor was a transgender man. His birth name was Jayde Johnson but he changed it after coming out when he was eighteen. He and Rita took him in after Tess and Michael kicked him out for being gay and transgender. Taylor had not had an easy life as he had gone through sexual abuse, sexual assault, mental health issues, and his diagnosis of HIV.

But behind everything, he was one of the most open-hearted and open-minded people he had ever met. He was resilient and a role model to everyone who called him a friend. Taylor has HIV? Yes, he had been infected by a man who for two years, continually raped him as a teenager. He was currently in New Jersey with a friend of the family because he had spent four days in the hospital after attempting suicide.

“It’s an honor to know him, much less call him our son.”

He nodded. “I'm sorry I didn’t know about him until recently.”

Taylor was almost twenty-one years old. That was a lot of time to make up for. Joe and his wife, Billie wanted to meet him and hear what he had to say.

Taylor got used to staying with Jon. They did almost everything together, such as cooking, running errands, and being in the studio. Music was what he needed to heal. He loved every aspect of making music. It didn’t matter what stage it was. He had songs that needed to be written bouncing around in his head. Jon looked over at him occasionally. he had moments when he wondered what it would be like to be inside his head and hear his thoughts.

Would he like what he heard? No, but underneath the sadness that was his mental illnesses, was genius. Taylor didn’t and couldn’t see how much potential he had. He could play the guitar and piano and he had a great voice! Jon had heard it many times throughout his life. He could be the next great pop star or rockstar! At the moment, he was being his usual goofy self by playing the guitar and imitating him, making him laugh.

He had been given a mental health evaluation while in the hospital. It was something they had talked about. On top of his preexisting ADHD, anxiety, depression diagnoses, he was also diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and bipolar disorder – not otherwise specified. He told him what that meant for him. His mind was complicated and complex. The mental health issues he had were related to the trauma he had gone through as a child when his brain was still developing.

He had to keep track of his moods and he had to learn how to communicate when he was having trouble. Another thing he needed to learn was boundaries in a relationship, both friendship, and romance. His friends were understanding and patient with him, thankfully! When he was in a good mood, he was unintentionally annoying. When he was having trouble, it showed on his face.

He needed reassurance that the people in his life were going to stay. No, they were not going to leave him. Yes, they were sure. He was exhausting to handle at times but when he was in a good mood, it made all of that worth it. It just took special people to understand that.

taylorjhanks: Thanks Jon for letting me rock out! All I need is to grow my hair out eighties style and maybe pierce my nose. I’m thinking Bon Jovi 1985. Anyway, I’m in a good mood. I’m still getting a hang of my new diagnoses. They make sense, as I think about it more. Jon let me go into town to run errands. That was fun. I was sorely tempted to sneak into Target and buy an energy drink. I decided not to because I wasn’t sure if Jon wanted to deal with that. Haha. I’m missing everyone back in LA. David Bryan and his wife invited us to their house for dinner tomorrow. That will be fun! I wonder what embarrassing stories I can come up with. Jk.

David had three kids. His oldest were twins, Colton and Gabby. He also had a younger daughter, Tyger Lily. The twins were four years younger and Tyger was ten years younger. He shared custody with his first wife, April. In 2010, he married Lexi, who loved the kids as her own. He thought that his family would take Taylor in and make him part of their family.

Did he have any dietary restrictions? Nope. He could go off his diet for one night. David and Jon laughed. What was his diet? It was a lot of fruits and vegetables while holding off on sugar, caffeine, and the other unhealthy stuff. Did he still eat meat? Yeah. He wasn’t a vegan or vegetarian. It just wasn’t part of what he ate every day. David and his family were Jewish, so they didn’t eat pork products. That was cool. He didn’t know that.

“My old babysitter, Rob. His family is Jewish. He’s a southern Californian vegan, though.”

“Whats a Southern Californian vegan”, Hugh asked.

“A vegan who won’t let you forget they’re vegan”, he joked.

They laughed.

“I’m kidding. I just made that up.”

Was he going to bring that energy over to dinner? Possibly. Maybe he would tone it down a little. David jokingly thanked him. Even with his good mood, they were cautious as they were aware that a good mood could mean another attempt. They didn’t want to learn something happened to him again. Jon assured them after he stepped out that he would keep an eye on him. If he felt he was thinking about suicide, he would bring him back to the hospital. Ok.

Jon asked him what happened after everyone left. Nothing. He just had a burst of energy.

“I’m not in danger of hurting myself.”

“Do you promise?”

“Yeah.”

“Baby, please tell me if you are. I’ll get you help. This is not your fault.”

“I know it’s not my fault. I feel safe here and I feel safe with you. That’s why I chose you over Bruce and Patti. I get that everyone is on edge but I promise I’m ok.”

“Ok. I believe you.”

@astrotravelingg @zoeykaytesmom @feelingsofaithless @jovichic-bonjovi4ever

[jaydejohnson-writes]

73

Taylor woke up not expecting to see Rob. He glanced up from his phone, which had been keeping him occupied for the past hour. Oh, you’re awake. He put his phone down on the table in front of him. How was he doing? Better. He had a slight headache from the machines before he fell asleep but it had disappeared. His parents had gone home to rest. They would be back later. There was silence between the two as Rob thought of what to say.

He saw the little girl he used to be. She was fearless, energetic, and was curious about everything. After he went to college, he thought about her. Over the years, he had her in the back of his mind, and occasionally, he wondered what she was doing. He would estimate how old she was. Ten, fifteen, eighteen. How did that little girl grow up? He had lost a lot of time with her. Now that little girl was a man.

What would have happened if Mike hadn’t run into him? Would they have reconnected? He probably would have never known that Jayde Johnson was now Taylor Hanks. Jayde still lived in his mind and it was where she would stay. He heard Taylor thank him. For saving his life, he assumed.

“You’re welcome. I had to know that you were ok. What happened?”

“Life. I wasn’t necessarily thinking. I just wanted the pain to stop.”

“Do you know how many people love you? Mike and Chester cried because they were so scared. We were all scared that we were going to lose you. I want you to get help because I see that little girl with so much energy. She wasn’t afraid of anything and she would track mud into the house. I wasn’t there for you and I’m sorry. I missed out on you growing up. One day you’re five then you’re eighteen. I don’t want to miss out on any part of your life because I want to make up for the time that I lost.”

He wanted that, too. Rob took his hand into his. For the first time, they saw each other as brothers. Taylor promised to get help for his depression. Would he come to visit him? Yes, he promised. He got up and hugged him. After sitting down, he asked if Mike had really cried. Yes, he had. They were talking to his friend, Jon, and his band when they both started crying. He and Chester. Mike was not someone who cried openly. For him to openly cry, it meant a lot.

Chester was Chester. He wore his heart on his sleeve, as well as his emotions. They were all used to seeing him get upset. What about him? He nodded then admitted to having been emotional, though he had done it in private at home. I’m sorry. Thank you. That meant a lot to him. He didn’t understand what he was going through in his head but whatever it was, he wanted him to find a way to treat it.

taylorjhanks: Why? That’s the first question whenever someone attempts suicide. I’m still trying to understand it myself. It’s not black and white, as I’m peeling back the layers. I do regret hurting the people who love me. There isn’t a singular ‘breaking point’ or moment that pushed me over the edge. Instead, there are several. As I think back, I get angry at the different circumstances that led me here. I need a break from my mind and all the shit in my head.

Taylor learned when his parents returned that they had received a call from the rehab center. He would not be going due to them being overbooked. Instead, he would be going to Red Bank and staying with Jon. It was his idea. When was he leaving? Tomorrow after he was discharged. They had his plane ticket and itinerary. He would be flying by himself, so they trusted that he would go to New Jersey without a fuss.

He agreed to go. Good. How long was he staying? Two months. He would be helping him out around the house, running errands, and doing whatever else he needed him to do. The other alternative was to go to Colts Neck. Both of them knew Bruce and Patti would put him to work on their farm. Bruce was a softie but he could give tough love if he needed to. He also didn’t take excuses, just explanations. Staying with him meant working his ass off.

“I'll go to Red Bank.”

“That’s what we thought. You can text us any time you need us. You know why we’re doing this.”

“Yeah. To give you and mom time to rest and focus on Chester.”

He nodded. “Yeah. We love you. There are times that we need to ask for help and this is one of them.”

I’ll see you tomorrow then. – Taylor

Yeah. I’ll be at the airport. Baby, I volunteered to have you stay with me because I feel responsible for what happened with you and Richie. I had him be a mentor to you because I thought you would be a good influence on him. I want to take care of you like I should have done months ago. I promise to respect your boundaries. I won’t touch you if you don’t want me to. – Jon

“Rob, I’ll text you since you don’t do social media.”

“Thank you. I’m sure Chester and Mike will also fill us in. Don’t worry about me, ok. You work on getting better and then when you come back, we can hang out. I remember that you used to skateboard. Do you still have one?”

He shook his head. “It's still at Tess and Michael’s, though I’m sure they threw it away after I left.”

“We will get you a new one when you come back home. Then, we can go down to the beach and we can figure out how to use it.”

“Make sure you also get a helmet”, Rita said.

“We will also get a helmet! We have to protect your head!”

Jon told his band that he was flying in. They were eager to see him, though they understood if he needed time to adjust. He may not be as hyperactive as they were used to because he was still dealing with depression. Jon explained that he felt responsible for the rape because he had recommended to Richie that he became a mentor to Taylor. It wasn’t his fault! Richie was responsible for Richie! He should be in prison but they respected Taylor’s decision to not go public.

Taylor was in New Jersey the following afternoon. Jon had picked him up at the airport and brought him back to his place. After dropping off his things inside, they went out to his backyard studio, where he was working with his band. They were anxious to see him! When he walked in, they saw a man who had the weight of the world on his shoulders. He gave them a smile and a hello.

How was he doing? He had been better. At least he wasn’t hooked up to machines anymore. He was also happy to be out of LA for a while. If he needed anything while he was in Red Bank, just call them. He promised he would as he sat down. This was not the Taylor they knew and loved. He was hurting and in pain. The only thing they could do was give him unconditional love and support. He was like their son and they hated what happened to him.

As they continued to work, they included him. He told them about possibly buying a house and moving out of his apartment. Why was he wanting to move? He had outgrown his apartment and wanted more privacy. The apartment was only supposed to be temporary. LA was so expensive, though so he knew it would take a while to figure out his budget and find a home.

Maybe he would get a dog. They laughed. What breed? He wasn’t sure but he wanted something small. His dad had told him the smaller the dog, the more they barked. He had plenty of time to look at breeds and decided which one he wanted. Yeah, he did. He would make his parents dog grandparents. They laughed.

@astrotravelingg @zoeykaytesmom @feelingsofaithless

[jaydejohnson-writes]

72

Rob recounted what happened on Monday. He had gone home and cried, though he didn’t share that information with his band. Not knowing if Taylor was alive or not was one of the scariest moments of his life and he wasn’t exaggerating. He was happy that he had gone over when he did. The emergency room doctor had told him that if he had been underwater for even a minute, his body would start to shut down. That meant brain damage or death.

He was extremely lucky! Everyone was regarding Rob as a hero but he was still shaken up over it. Brad asked him if he wanted to take it easy. Yeah, he would sit the day out but he wanted to stay. He had to be there. They understood and Phoenix told him that if he wanted or needed to talk, they were there. Thank you.

Tom and Rita talked to a hospital social worker about what was best for their son. They were told that ten percent of people who attempt suicide, go on to die by suicide. The social worker wanted him to receive help for his depression and initial issues. That could be counseling, therapy, or religious affiliation. What about rehab?

Tom had looked into it and it was something he and his wife were discussing. It wasn’t because he needed help for addiction but he wanted to be able to have twenty-four-seven care for him. He thought that going home would be hard for him.

Where was he going? Encinitas, an hour and a half drive from LA. They would make it so Richie was not able to have communication with him. Ok. Was that something he was concerned about? Yeah. He wanted nothing to do with him because all he did was tell him bs. Ok. He would be discharged the next day then go straight to the Aton Center. Could he have his phone? Yes, they allowed that in treatment. He would have to tell them about his HIV. I will.

“Did you mean now or when you’re in treatment”, Rita asked.

“Both.”

Tom got his phone from his pocket and set it on the table. Thanks. How long was he going to stay? Two months. His friends may be able to visit him. They would have to ask about that. How was Rob? They didn’t know because he had left when they got to the hospital. He would have to text him later. They were happy and relieved he wasn’t fighting about going to treatment. He had a look of mental exhaustion, along with depression. It was as if he wanted someone to save him.

taylorjhanks: An open letter. Two days ago, I tried taking my own life. Tomorrow, I’m going to treatment for depression and other mental health issues. I want to thank everyone for their thoughts and prayers for me and my family. We as a family would also like to thank Rob for his quick action and thinking. He literally saved my life! Mentally, I’m not ok. I am not suicidal but exhausted mentally. My attempt was not about wanting to die but wanting to be free of the shit inside my head. I need help because I’m tired of being tired and I’m tired of not understanding the shit in my head and the traumatic memories. I will not say publicly where I’m going for privacy reasons. If you want to know, you guys can text me or ask my parents. The other thing I want is for everyone to check in with each other. You never know who’s struggling. Thank you. – Taylor

Chester read what Taylor had posted out loud. His cries for help had been heard and he would be getting that help in treatment. With everything going on in his life, he needed to take a big step back and take a break. He didn’t want to die, he just wanted to get rid of his pain.

“It's not always about wanting to die. It’s about just wanting relief. Some people self-harm, some people abuse drugs or alcohol, some people become sexually active or some people become aggressive. Taylor felt lost. He wanted someone to tell him that he was loved and what happened wasn’t his fault. Richie manipulated him because he was vulnerable. He has conflicted feelings because he loves and hates him.”

“Thank you for sharing that. We don’t always understand what you and he go through every day and I'm sorry”, Brad said.

They agreed.

“Thank you.”

They blamed Richie. David also read what he posted out loud. They were relieved he was alive! Jon had told them what happened after talking to Tom. They were in shock and they talked about it in length. Something made him want to end his life. Whether it was Richie or something else, they may never know. They had anger towards him because he had taken advantage and then hurt their friend. Taylor was a gentle soul with a heart bigger than his body.

Jon remembered he had the video Mike had sent him. He found it on his phone and played it for them. Fifty dollars. He was a prostitute for Richie. How could he do that to him? Angry no longer described how they felt. He had mentioned wanting to drown himself in his bathtub. Why didn't anyone stay with him? Why was he allowed to go home by himself?

Mike answered the phone when Jon called. They were dealing with what happened in California, as they were in New Jersey. They had let him go home because he promised he was going to take a nap. It was a decision they regretted because they knew better. Something inside told him that he should go with but he pushed it aside because he didn’t want to seem overprotective. He apologized through tears. If he died, he wouldn’t know how he could deal with the guilt for the rest of his life.

They all forgave him. He wiped his eyes as Chester also started crying quietly. Did he know anything about him going to treatment? Yeah. He was going to a place an hour and a half outside of LA. Tom had permitted him to tell them, though he asked it to be kept out of the media. They all agreed with the request. It wasn’t their information to tell. How long was he going to be there? Two months.

It would be a great way for him to get the help he needed. Could they do anything for them? They could check in with them. Yeah, that would be great! If they were ever in LA, they could come to hang out with them in the studio. Sure, they could do that!

How was their friend, Rob? Mike looked over at him. Did he want to answer that? Sure. He passed the phone to him. Rob introduced himself then stated he was doing ok. He was working through everything. If he needed to talk, he was free to contact them. He would do that. Thank you.

Eleven guys looking out for Taylor and had been brought together because of Taylor. Maybe someday, they would be able to meet in person.

Taylor was asleep when Rob stopped by the hospital. He looked into his room and saw him laying on his bed. After washing his hands with the hand sanitizer, he walked in, grabbed a chair, and put it quietly beside his bed. He thought about the little girl he used to be and how much he wanted the best for her. Almost twenty years later, he still wanted that for him. He wanted him to have a life full of happiness. Sitting back, he took out his phone and waited for him to wake up.

@astrotravelingg @zoeykaytesmom @feelingsofaithless

[jaydejohnson-writes]

71

Taylor was visiting with Mike because he missed him. Mike had been called into the living room because he had a visitor. He went to see who it was. Taylor. They hugged each other before sitting down. He apologized for not visiting. Mike understood that it was probably not easy for him. How was he doing? A lot better! He had a sense of why he had started drinking and wanted to stay sober. How was Otis? He was a great kid! That he was!

He had a huge imagination and a great sense of humour. That sounded like his son. He told him about dying his hair purple. Mike laughed then noticed his hair. Did they do it at the same time? Yeah. It was him with Anna helping him. There was some leftover dye, so they put it on Otis’ hair. It looked cool! He got his phone out and showed him a picture. That’s cute!

How was his relationship with Anna? He didn’t know. What happened? The condom broke and she didn’t know if she wanted to be pregnant or not. She was on preventive medication but when they talked about what they were going to do if she got pregnant, that’s when communication stopped. so he was giving her space. He was wanting to run away before she broke things off with him but he didn’t want to walk away from Otis.

“Taylor, she’s probably scared and she needs time to process the situation. She has anxiety. I know you’re also freaking out but breaking up with her isn’t what you need to do. Give her time to decide what she wants. Maybe she’s waiting to see if she is pregnant before making a decision.”

“I'm fucking terrified! What if the baby is infected? How can I take care of a baby with my mental health?”

“I know. Use this time to take your skateboard down to the beach and do what you need to do. Let her come to you. It’s going to work out.”

Ok. Has he been reading his posts? Yeah, he has. He wasn’t identifying his sexuality? No. he was always going to be attracted to men, but he didn’t want to rule out the possibility of a relationship with a woman or the other gender identities or sexualities. It could be him and Chester, though they were so similar, they might kill each other. He laughed and nodded.

Even if it turned out she was pregnant and they decided to break up, he was not walking away from her, Otis, or the baby. He had promised her that. Good for him! That showed maturity. What was going on with his health? He was thinner than he had been. The doctor wasn’t quite sure what was going on. He was on a medication that had the marijuana plant in it. It was supposed to help him gain weight. Because it was a drug that could make him psychotic, he was being careful.

He didn’t want to go back to the hospital. Neither did they.

After an hour, they had to say goodbye. They gave each other another hug and I love you before he walked out. He decided he was tired, so he drove home. When he got there, he turned his phone to Do Not Disturb then took off his pants before getting underneath the sheets. It was around three in the afternoon but with the stress and anxiety, he was more tired than usual.

What if you woke up one day and realize that everything had been a dream?

Taylor! Taylor! Stay with me! He opened his eyes and found himself in the hospital emergency room. A machine was pumping his stomach and he had no memory of what happened. The last thing he recalled was sitting in his bathtub. He had filled it with water before getting in. There was an open bottle of pills and he took them by the handful until he lost consciousness. Now, he was in the hospital. Was this real or was this some weird afterlife?

Out in the lobby, Rob was watching to hear how he was doing or if he was even alive. He had called 911 after finding him unconscious underwater. While he waited for paramedics, he pulled him up, so his head was above water. He hoped and prayed he wasn’t dead. No, he was too young! He had so much life to live!

He had sent a text to Mike letting him know what happened. Did he want him to come over? No, he was ok. He would see him Monday then. A suicide attempt. Mike thought back to the conversation he and Brad had with him. Did he want to die? Sometimes, yeah. Why did they let him go home by himself? Why didn’t they insist on going with him? He had shown signs that he was suicidal. What if they had lost him?

When he got the update from Rob, he texted Tom and Jon to let them know. Jon called him right away. He was in shock and he didn’t know how to react. There were so many things going through his mind that he didn’t even know where to start. What happened? How did this happen? Why did it happen?

Together, they went through everything, as they had done before. Mental exhaustion, the fear of abandonment, being raped, and his boyfriend cheating were the things that pushed him over the edge. He couldn’t handle his life and he didn’t know what else to do. Mike blamed himself because he and Brad let him go home by himself. If one of them had stayed with him, this wouldn’t have happened. Jon let him know this wasn’t his fault. It was Richie’s.

Rob stayed at the hospital until Tom and Rita arrived. He introduced himself then had them sit down with him. What did the hell happen? He told him how he had been talking to Brad and Mike about their concerns for Taylor. They were scared he was going to hurt himself, so he volunteered to check on him. When he got to his building, he had maintenance let him in his apartment to do a wellness check.

He walked around the apartment when he noticed the light on in the bathroom. His body was freaking out and he almost didn’t want to go in but he did. That’s when he found him underwater with an empty bottle of pills on the floor.

“After that, everything went blank until the paramedics showed up. I don’t remember anything.”

“You saved his life. Thank you will never be enough but it’s what we have to offer right now”, Tom said.

“You’re welcome. Thank you is all I want. He’s in the intensive care unit. They pumped his stomach and cleared his lungs of water. He’s in stable condition. Would it be ok if I told Mike you’re here? He was wanting to know.”

“Of course. If he wants, he can contact us”, Rita said.

“I’ll tell him that.”

Taylor’s parents are at the hospital. I’m going home. They told me to tell you that you are free to contact them. – Rob

Go home and rest. I’ll go to the hospital tomorrow. Thank you. I’ll give you an update. – Mike

Rob was not one to show emotion in front of other people but inside, he wanted to cry. He had been terrified of losing him! Even though he was being regarded as a hero, he didn’t feel like one. He had saved his life, yes. At the same time, he was shaken up by what he saw. What if he had been a minute later? Would it have been too late? He would have carried that guilt with him for the rest of his life. Go home and rest. He wiped his tears and started his car.

@astrotravelingg @zoeykaytesmom @feelingsofaithless

[jaydejohnson-writes]

70

Taylor was not doing well because he hated how thin he was. To cheer himself up, he bought a hair-dying kit at Target while getting groceries. He brought it over to Anna’s, who helped him follow the instructions. He took off his shirt, so it didn’t get covered in hair dye as Otis walked in. What are you doing? When it was explained to him, he asked if he could watch. Yeah! He sat down in a chair next to his excitedly.

His hair was naturally dark brown, so he and Anna were worried about how it would turn out. He may have purple highlights, instead of his entire head being the hue wanted. That was fine. It was more of an experiment. I’m going to get your bathtub and towels covered in dye. That was why she had bleach and was using old towels. She was a woman with a plan! That made her laugh and she kissed him. Otis used his toy to cover his face in disgust.

Once the dye was applied, she rinsed it out upstairs over the bathtub. It wasn’t very comfortable but it was what they had to work with. He had his own comb so after drying it with her hairdryer, he combed it out. It looked darker than what he thought it was going to be but it still looked awesome! Otis thought so, as well. He took a selfie in the mirror with Anna standing beside him.

The dye was semi-permanent, so it lasted about six weeks. There was some dye left, so Otis asked if he could do it, too. Anna decided he could, so he got in the chair. She applied the leftover dye to his black hair. Once it was applied, she rinsed it off in the bathtub. It looked a little different than Taylor’s because his hair was darker but it still looked cool! He couldn’t wait to show his friends at school! His hair was just like Taylor’s!

The thing that his friends and family noticed was how thin he was. He lost the muscles he had worked hard for in the gym. His face was also thinner. He was very sick. They hoped he would gain the weight back.

Otis asked if his mommy was going to dye her hair. No, she was ok with the color her hair was. Taylor’s phone alarm went off, so he went to his book bag and found the medication he had to take. Did he have to take it with food? No, just some water. He took the pill out of the bottle, took a drink then put the pill in his mouth. After swallowing, he was asked what he just took. It was his medication to keep his mind strong. Oh. Otis put that information into his ever-growing brain and stored it.

He was too young to understand the complexities of his many mental health issues. It would scare and overwhelm him. He didn’t need to know or worry about Borderline Personality Disorder. It was too complex for some adults to understand. After putting the water back in his bookbag, he told him to never take any bottles that looked like the one he was holding because it would make him very sick. Ok.

“I have to take these because it helps my brain. If you see them in my bag, don’t take them out. Ok, bud?”

He nodded. “Ok!”

“Awesome!”

Once Otis was fast asleep, Taylor got a condom from his bag before coming over to his beautiful girlfriend. Having sex was one of the best parts of their relationship. They always used protection and never had it fail. Until it did. He pulled out after coming inside of her. It felt different, so he went into the bathroom and ran it underwater. Oh shit! She came in after getting dressed. What happened?

“Babe, the condom broke! When I… It didn’t feel right and I… I’m so sorry!”

“What do you mean?”

“I ran it underwater and there’s a hole in the tip.”

She took in the information he had just told her. Did he know it was broken? No, not until he came. That’s why he pulled out so quickly. She told him that she would go to the doctor and ask about anti-HIV medication. He nodded and wrapped his arms around her. It was going to be ok. He should get dressed before Otis wakes up.

After getting his clothes, he went into the bathroom. Maybe his condoms were expired or maybe they had become damaged from being in his book bag. He needed an older man to talk to, so he thought about who that could be. His mind went to Chester and he decided to call him the following day. He put his clothes back on and went back out to the bedroom, where he went to his bag. What was he doing? Checking the expiration date.

No, they were still good. Something happened. The mood was ruined, so they decided to go to bed before he obsessed over it. They could talk about it more in the morning. He decided that he was too overwhelmed to think about anything, so he joined her in bed.

After Otis went to school, they talked more about what happened and their options. Their biggest fear was her getting infected. She would ask about getting anti-HIV medication, as she had mentioned the night before. What about pregnancy? Was she on birth control? No, she wasn’t. Did she want a baby or did she want to get the night after pill?

“Babe, it’s your body. My fears are my mental health not being able to handle having a baby. I’m not going to walk away from you if you want a baby. If you get pregnant, I will step up as a father and take responsibility. If you don’t want a baby, I respect that, too.”

“I’m not sure what I want, Taylor. You will be an amazing father! You treat Otis like your son and he adores you. I’m just… I need time to process this. I’ll get the medication because that’s the most important thing right now. What if we wait and see what happens?”

“Ok.”

He again apologized. It wasn’t his fault but it felt like it was. Three weeks. That was the soonest she could detect pregnancy. It was going to be the longest three weeks of his life. Even with the plan, he still felt like he didn’t know what the fuck he was going to do. Instead of calling Chester, he decided to go over to Colin’s because he missed his brother.

Colin answered the door and saw his little brother. Was he in trouble? Yeah, he was. He invited him in and they went to the living room. What happened? He told him how he and his girlfriend, Anna were sexually active. They always used protection but the other night, the condom broke. He was freaking out and didn’t know what the fuck he was going to do. Was she going to get medical care to prevent HIV? Yes. What about pregnancy? She wanted to wait and see.

What if she did get pregnant? He was going to step up and take responsibility. Walking away wasn’t who he was. He wanted to be a father but never thought it was possible because of his HIV and mental health. His mental health was the reason why he was so scared. He didn’t know if he could handle a crying baby and not being able to sleep. She thought he was going to be an amazing father.

“You screwed up pretty bad but I’m happy to hear you will be in the baby’s life. Being a father is not easy and it is stressful, especially on a lack of sleep. I don’t doubt that you will be a great father, as long as you have support and you remember to take care of yourself. What you can do is support your girlfriend and whatever decision she makes.”

He nodded. “I will. I love her and I’m not walking away.”

“Good. I know you will.”

What about his hair? He dyed it the night before. You look like a grape! Shut up! He laughed.

@astrotravelingg @zoeykaytesmom @feelingsofaithless @born-to-lose

[jaydejohnson-writes]

69

Taylor had lost a lot of weight due to his HIV. He had been weighed by a nurse and it was noted he had lost twenty pounds. Anna had gone with him and she stood back as he was weighed. Inside the office, his vitals were taken, along with a blood sample. He was given a band-aid over where he had his blood drawn. Now, they had to wait for the results.

The results came back with his t-cell count at 700, which was great! His doctor was concerned about his weight loss because he was borderline between being healthy and underweight for his height. He was supposed to be around 139-169 pounds. His weight was at 120. Anything under 120 was considered severely underweight. Was his weight loss normal for his HIV? It was, especially since his t-cells were unpredictable.

Did he have trouble knowing when he was hungry or needed to eat? He did at times when he wasn't sitting at home. After asking some more questions, the doctor suggested adding a medication that would help him feel hungry. Another option was hormone replacement therapy. It was female hormones. No. He told her that he was a transgender man and he didn’t want female hormones again.

She stated that she understood and wasn’t offended. The medication she wanted to suggest was called Marinol, which was a pill that was made from the marijuana plant. Would it cause the same problems he had with medical marijuana? The drug was more likely to cause new or worsening psychosis. They were between a rock and a hard place. He put his hands out as if he was weighing his options. It was a tough choice.

How often did he see his psychologist? Twice a week. One session was for general therapy the other was for anger management. After talking through the pros and cons, it was decided that he would give it a try. If he had any problems with his mental health, he was told to tell his psychologist or her immediately. She gave him a card with her office number. He promised to call her if he had any problems.

Dad. Tom received a phone call from Taylor after the appointment, as usual. He always kept him and Rita informed after each visit. They were thankful for that. He gave him a rundown of his health and new medication.

“It's more about keeping your weight up?”

“Yeah. It was determined that I just don’t always feel hungry, so this will give me an appetite. The only thing is that it has THC in it. I’m going to tell my therapist about it because it may give me psychosis again. Dad, it was the best option, and we carefully considered the pros and cons. I was reluctant but I need to gain weight.”

“I trust your judgment. It’s better than smoking pot. I’ll let your mother know.”

When they got home with the medication, he put his book bag by the door. How was he feeling? Up and down. He was tired of being sick and having unpredictable health issues. It was never going to happen but he wanted his doctor to tell him he was cured of HIV and that he could live the rest of his life without walking on eggshells. She could see how tired he was of being sick.

He had a bookbag of medications that he carried with him everywhere because he never knew where he would be when it was time to take it. There was also a folder with all his medical information. Everything he needed in case he got sick was on his back. What would that be like?

He got his bag and placed it on the kitchen table. After opening it up, he took everything out of it. He not only had his medical information and medications but he also had his information for auditions, a makeup bag, a bottle of water, and his wallet. In the makeup bag, he had face wipes, condoms, hand sanitizer, chapstick, toothbrush, toothpaste, and comb.

Why did he have a box of condoms? He never knew when he would need it. She rolled her eyes, making him laugh. He put everything back in its place and zipped up his bag.

Jon and his band were thinking about his Dr. Phil interview that had aired the day before. One of the hardest things they were dealing with was how he described his relationship with Richie. He had told the entire world what happened to him, without naming Richie. It brought back feelings of disgust and anger. Not towards Taylor, but their former friend and bandmate. How could he hurt him? What was going through his mind when he raped him?

Jon had the most anger, as he was the closest to Taylor and he loved him as a boyfriend. He also considered Richie a close friend, even when he didn’t always agree with everything he did. Jon. He looked up and over at Tico. Yeah? He had pulled up a clip from the show and wanted to play it for them. Ok.

“It's interesting because I talk to Jon Bongiovi pretty much every day. He gets the weirdest and most random texts from me. The whole band unofficially adopted me as their son. David Bryan and Phil X are the biggest cheerleaders. They leave me comments on my Instagram. ‘You can do it, Taylor! We love you!’ I’ve known Jon since I was two then I met Bon Jovi when I was eighteen. They really are the coolest guys and I love hanging out with them.”

They had to laugh at what he said. That was cute! Was it part of the original interview? No, it was an outtake he found on youtube. That was cute! He was their unofficial son and one of their biggest fans. They loved him unconditionally and cheered him on. Did they know that he had come out again? No, Jon hadn’t. Phil read the post from his Instagram.

Good for him. He had posted a picture with him and who they assumed was his girlfriend. She was beautiful! From the comments, he learned her name was Anna. That name was familiar to Jon, as he remembered him talking about her before. She was married to his ex-fiance, Mike. He couldn’t remember the reason behind the divorce, but it didn’t matter. From what he remembered, she was one of those women who genuinely cared.

“He just posted something new. ‘Ladies and gentlemen. Let me introduce Otis Shinoda! As far as kids go, he is one of the coolest! Today Anna invited me over to officially meet Otis. He is a mini version of Mike, with a creative mind. He gave me this cool Spiderman action figure for me to babysit, while he and the Hulk saved the world. I guess Spidey is too young to join them in their adventure. Trust me, Spidey. I know what it’s like. Otis let me know that Spiderman doesn’t actually use spiders. Thank God because my arachnophobia would be times ten! I’m betting that he and Hulk were successful on their mission because they came back in a celebratory mood. Anna has permitted me to post this but neither she nor Mike wants his picture on any public account for safety reasons.’”

That’s adorable. Otis looked like a cute kid. Kids had the biggest imaginations and they could make up stories for their toys. They could imagine how much fun he had with him and how great of a dad he would be to him. The post lifted their mood and they gladly forgot about Richie! He wasn’t worth remembering, anyway. With that, they went back to what they had been working on.

@astrotravelingg @zoeykaytesmom @feelingsofaithless @born-to-lose

[jaydejohnson-writes]

68

taylorjhanks: Thank you to Dr. Phil for having me today! It was a brutal interview but I’m glad I did it. This is probably the most honest I’ve ever been and I’m kind of anxious about how it’s going to turn out. At the same time, I would be kicking myself if I didn’t go.

Taylor had done an in-depth interview where he was honest about his past of selling his body to men, being sexually abused, assaulted, his mental health, and his HIV diagnosis. After the episode was edited, it aired on national television. It was just them and the crew, no audience members. It made the interview more personal and it made him less anxious. Why was he doing it?

He wanted to be honest. There were things that he took responsibility for and things that weren’t his fault. How did the sexual abuse start? He was around thirteen or fourteen when Joe Moire started grooming him. What did that mean? What did he do? He would try touching him. If he didn’t react, he would try something else but if he showed that he was uncomfortable, he would back off and then try it again at a later date. He also bought him whatever he wanted.

The touching progressed into him raping him. All he remembered was that he felt disgusting and degraded. How long was he abused? Two years between the ages of fifteen to seventeen. He couldn’t tell anyone for a year or two because he was conflicted. Though he knew what he was doing and that it was wrong, he blamed himself, and he never thought anyone would believe him.

Two years later, he was with an older male friend. Rather, he considered him a friend. They were hanging out when he raped him. He didn’t go into detail, only that he had been going back and forth over whether it was rape. His friend told him that he had tried to leave – twice and that the friend had manipulated him. That meant he hadn’t given consent. After he transitioned from female to male, he sold his body to men either in gay clubs or on the streets.

“That’s what I thought I deserved. I still have moments where I need to be told ‘I love you. This is inappropriate. I’m not going to have sex with you. I love you too much to do that to you.’”

“Did you know what consent was?”

“I didn’t. Not until a doctor told me. I didn’t know that I had a right to say no. I thought that it was what men wanted from me.”

“You have the right and responsibility to say no any time you are uncomfortable or you change your mind. It is your partner’s responsibility to honor that. That’s consent. It’s a firm, enthusiastic yes.”

“I understand that now and I’ve had boyfriends ask me beforehand for my consent because they know that I need that.”

What were his diagnoses? He was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, anxiety, depression and he was on the spectrum for bipolar. His BPD was considered high functioning, though he still displayed symptoms outwardly. fear of abandonment, problems with anger, a history of suicidal ideation, self-blame, self-guilt, poor self-esteem, people-pleasing, depression, anxiety, and mood swings that last a few hours to a few days.

How did he manage it? He had learned how to communicate what he was feeling, instead of holding everything inside and then exploding in anger. Another thing that really helped was his anger management sessions. He had to learn how to walk away until he was calm enough to tell the other person why he was upset, frustrated, angry, or just unhappy.

“It’s like ‘hey, I’m upset. Don’t talk to me right now! Stay a hundred feet away from me.’ But then once I can verbalize what I’m going through in my head, problems get resolved. It might be something stupid like a friend not texting me back or my mind convincing me that everyone is going to abandon me. It’s a disorder that is difficult to deal with. Not only for me but for the people around me. It’s a constant ‘go away. I hate you. Come back. I love you.’ It requires patience and dedication because there are moments when I need that reminder that the people I love are not all of a sudden going to walk away from me.”

When talking about his HIV status, he talked about how his disease was unpredictable. One day he could be completely healthy, the next he could be in the hospital for an infection. When was he diagnosed? He found out when he was nineteen. When he got the diagnosis, he went home and called his parents in tears. At the time, they were working on officially adopting him. They went over what the diagnosis meant for him and the changes he would have to make in his life.

He stopped going to gay clubs and he stopped selling his body. Instead, he started going to the gym and he went on a diet. What did he do for exercise? He loved skateboarding! Sometimes he took his board down to the beach and rode around to clear his head. It was a great workout and it got him outside. Dr. Phil laughed.

His interview had been viewed by his friends and family. That was the Taylor they knew and loved. He could look inside himself and take responsibility for his mistakes, without blaming anyone else. His mistakes were his own and nobody else’s. His brothers on Joe’s side were able to get to know him better, as well. Underneath his mental illnesses, he was a genuine person who loved his friends and family more than himself.

They were proud of him for going on national television and exposing his past. Luke and Dante knew who he was. They had given up too easily and they were reminded of that. Neither of them knew if he was dating anyone. His Instagram announced his breakup with Mike but that was it.

taylorjhanks: On another note, sometimes life leads you to the unexpected. Whether it’s going on the Dr. Phil Show, meeting a family you never knew existed, meeting Elton John, or falling in love with the ex-wife of your ex-fiance. Yeah, it’s another dating announcement but this time, I’m also announcing that I’m no longer choosing to identify my sexuality. For four years, I was openly and proudly gay. When I became comfortable with the idea of falling in love with a woman, I realized that it no longer mattered. I’m open to relationships with men, women, and other multiple gender identities and sexualities. Guys, I looked into it and there are at least a hundred! Thank you to Jon for letting me freak out on him! I owe you a beer sometime!

phoenixlp: You are one of the most unpredictable people I’ve ever met and I love you for it! Congratulations to you and Anna!

Tom told Colin and Luke not to ask about Taylor because he didn’t know what the hell was going on with him! Taylor was Taylor. That was the only thing he could think of to say about him. As long as he was happy, they were happy for him. Luke had to laugh. He dated him and he still didn’t understand him! Colin told him not to remind him that he had dated his little brother. He laughed again.

Have they met his girlfriend? Oh, yeah. She was a really nice woman! When he asked him more questions, he was told to ask Taylor. He wasn’t getting into trouble for gossiping. Ok, he would.

@astrotravelingg @zoeykaytesmom @feelingsofaithless @born-to-lose

[jaydejohnson-writes]

50

Taylor was at home after spending almost two months in the hospital. Everyone was relieved and excited for him! Finally! They had sent prayers, encouragement, support, and love to him and Mike. It has been long and stressful for both of them but it made their relationship and friendship stronger. They learned how to communicate without words and problem solve when they had a conflict, while also learning how to celebrate the little victories.

Taylor was headstrong and stubborn. The doctor at times wasn’t sure if he would make it because his body was too weak. He proved him wrong! That stubbornness was the reason why he was still alive at twenty-two years old. He couldn’t die because he wasn’t ready yet. His body was ready yet. There were still things he needed and wanted to do.

One of which was to set up his foundation. He, Mike, and Brad were going to sit down again after he rested and go over ideas. It was something he had to do because he knew what it was like to go through sexual abuse alone. He didn’t have anyone he could tell because he was confused and ashamed. Even though he was close to Jon, Dorothea, Bruce, and Patti, he couldn’t tell them. He wanted girls to know that they would be believed if they told.

Not only believed but also supported. It was a huge thing he was doing but he couldn’t live with himself if he didn’t. That was how passionate he was.

After sleeping for two hours, they went down to the beach with his skateboard, phone, and mask. Before leaving his house, he put the mask on and his phone in his back pocket. It was only a short fifteen-minute walk from his house to the beach. Since it was a Saturday afternoon on a nice day, it was packed with locals and tourists. They found a place where it wasn’t as busy and crowded. He didn’t want to accidentally run into someone.

“Ok, Mikey!”

He laughed. “I haven’t seen you this excited in a long time!”

“I’m like a little kid on Christmas morning! I’ve been waiting for this for months! Almost literally!”

He laughed again.

He was not too bad, just a little wobbly. To get his balance, he held his arms out. Did he need help? Sure. He held on to his shoulder until he felt balanced. Yeah! He kicked off and rode down a little. After getting off, he kicked off the other way. Now, he had to remember how to turn. He leaned forward slightly and turned right. When he learned back to go left, he stumbled and fell off. Was he ok? Yeah. He just leaned a little too far.

Mike recorded him because he was having so much fun! He took in the moment because he was truly and genuinely happy! There was a huge smile on his face and energy he hadn't seen in a long time! He also knew that his mood could change without notice.

Some guys noticed him and came over. They asked him questions about skateboarding. How long has he been doing it? He did it for a couple of years when he was younger and was just getting back into it, so he was relearning everything. They introduced themselves as Jacob and Tyler. He introduced them as Taylor and Mike. Nice to meet you.

The guys looked around sixteen to eighteen years old and looked like they had been skateboarding since they were in elementary school because they were really good. They could see he was struggling, so they decided to come over and see how they could help. Thanks. He needed it. They spent the next hour giving him pointers and advice on how to turn and even a couple of tricks he had forgotten how to do like popping an Ollie.

Before the kids left, he thanked them. Maybe he would run into them again! They said goodbye as they rode off.

taylorjhanks: Today Mikey and I went down to Venice Beach with my skateboard. Yes, I wore a mask the entire time! A couple of kids came over because I was struggling. They taught me how to turn without falling on my ass and a couple of tricks. They were really good and had probably been skateboarding since they were in elementary school! They both looked to be in high school. It was the most fun afternoon I’ve had in what feels like forever! This is video evidence of me trying not to fall.

He posted the video Mike had taken to his Instagram account. It was refreshing to see him doing so well and so happy! His mask covered his smile but they could see it in his body language and his eyes. This was the Taylor they knew and loved! Rita commented he should invest in a good helmet. He agreed that was a good idea and he would look into what was the best one to buy.

He could go to a skateboard shop and talk to a salesperson. It was better than going to Target because the salesperson would be more knowledgeable. He could do that the next day while out doing errands. Mike was going to go home the next morning and do what he needed to do. He had faith that he would be ok physically and mentally. They had to talk more about their wedding but that could wait until they were both rested and had taken care of things at home.

“Is it ok if I keep my mask on? I have an impaired immune system.”

Oh, yeah! That was fine! Taylor went to a local skateboard shop, Rip City Skates. It was only a fifteen-minute drive away. The saleswoman greeted him as he walked in. How could she help him? He told her he was looking for a helmet. She took him over to where they were and he looked through his options. What would she recommend? He wanted something to protect his head in case he fell.

He got a triple eight 3037 black helmet in extra large. The saleswoman made sure it fit his head. It did. The price tag was $79.99 but he decided that saving his head was worth it!

After buying it, he drove over to his parents. They were hosting Tom’s friend, Bill Paxton, and his wife, Louise. He remembered him from the adoption party. How was he doing? They heard he was in the hospital. Yeah, he told them how he had developed nausea. He was admitted to the emergency room for that. Two days before he was scheduled to be discharged, he developed a certain type of pneumonia, so he was in the ICU for three weeks.

“My fiancé proposed to me while I was in the hospital. We’re going to look for rings and start planning our wedding after we’ve both had time away from each other. We also have shit we need to do at home and he has his son. It’s a gradual process.”

“Congratulations on getting engaged!”

“Thank you! We’re either going to have a wedding or a commitment ceremony. We’re not sure yet.”

What did they do after they got back to his place? He fell asleep, so he had no idea what Mike did! They laughed. When he woke up, they walked down to the beach with his skateboard and spent a couple of hours there. A couple of kids came over and helped him learn how to do the basics, which he had completely forgotten about. Did he wear a mask? Yes, Mike would not have let him leave the house without one! Good for him! Did he get a helmet? Yeah, he just did that before coming over!

“I don’t need to be back in the hospital. Oh my God! I got so bored!”

“It wasn’t a vacation”, Bill asked jokingly.

“It wasn’t the Hamptons.”

They laughed.

@astrotravelingg @zoeykaytesmom @feelingsofaithless @born-to-lose