iwouldhavelovedyoustill

[iwouldhavelovedyoustill]

EP6: Checkmate

She’s the queen.

At least to the chess club’s knowledge. Em Parreño had never lost a chess match… ever. The only people who had beaten her in her life are her father and her uncle. According to university records, she’s been really consistent in getting the gold place every year. Even male players can’t win against her and it’s a wonder she hasn’t competed for national titles yet.

Although she wears an imaginary crown only other people could see, Em doesn’t mind any of it, actually. She genuinely enjoys playing and learning from her opponents and the reason why she hasn’t participated in national competitions is that she wants to focus on her studies. “Ang bobo ko kasi,” she’ll always say. “Baka bumagsak ako.”

This is far from the truth because her grades are also exemplary.

It happened on a Thursday, though.

Her first loss.

She didn’t mind staying behind when someone challenged her to a fight and they even have a few audience members. Other students were all glued on the chessboard and perhaps, they were more focused than her.

Because she lost.. and not winning feels foreign to her taste.

On a Thursday evening, at exactly 7:48 PM, Em Parreño of BA Communication Arts lost to Miguel Lopez from BS Architecture.

No one could believe their eyes. The sports fest is only a few weeks away and here is another competitor who never came to light. There are separate categories for males and females in chess, but the thought of Em losing is new to everyone. Even if she’ll be able to bag the gold place again this year, they can’t erase the fact that someone is better at her in the game.

He stood up from his seat and offered his hand. It took her a while to take it and with a determined look on her face, she asked him if they could eat dinner together.

Miguel burst out laughing. “Ha?”

She shrugged. “Maybe we can talk about things… or maybe how I lost to you.”

“Anong how?” He shrugged and took back his hand. “You made a few wrong moves. Wala namang explanation na iba.”

Before they knew it, they’re walking to the school cafeteria. “Transferee ka ba?”

“Hindi.”

“Lower year?”

“Hindi rin.”

“E ano?”

“Fourth year.”

She’s in her third. “Mas matanda ka sa akin?”

“Yes, genius?”

“Bakit ngayon lang?”

“Na ano?”

“Mo ako inaya maglaro.”

“Busy sa plates.” He pointed at the bistek and asked for two cups of rice. “Hindi naman sa chess umiikot buhay ko.”

“E ngayon?”

“Anong ngayon?”

She opted for ginisang kangkong and she swore she did not miss the way he cringed. “Busy ka pa rin?”

Miguel looked at her suspiciously. “Bakit mo tinatanong?”

“Wala lang,” she took her first bite. “Gusto ko lang magpa-train.”

“Bakit? Yearly ka naman nananalo.”

“Eh baka may iba rin na hindi lang naglalaro kagaya mo,” Em confessed. “I’ve always wanted to find someone I can learn from.”

“Busy pa rin naman,” he answered, but the idea doesn’t seem so bad. “Try ko i-singit.”

She clapped her hands like a kid. “Pwede twice a week?”

“Ang dalas naman,” he declined. “Thrice?”

She obviously brightened up but tried to hide it. “Hala, sabi mo busy ka?”

“Dalawang araw lang klase ko,” he finally admitted. “Kaya kitang i-singit sa schedule.”

They agreed to meet in the library thrice a week and a week before the sports fest, they decided to meet everyday so she could focus. “Laging E2 to E4 opening move mo. Ayaw mo ng iba?”

“Sabi ng tatay ko e,” she honestly answered. That move stuck with her and she never bothered changing it.

“That’s the problem with you. You stick to counter moves. Need mo ring umatake.”

“E specialty ko sya,” Em reasoned out. “I just wait for my opponents to make a mistake.”

“That’s precisely why you lost to me,” Myk playfully tapped her head with his pen. “Inintay mo lang ako magkamali. I’m a careful player and I rarely make mistakes. Kung hindi ako umaatake, I just stick to the plan. There are other players like me.”

“So I need to be aggressive?”

“No,” he shook his head. “You need to take the lead. You always need a move to respond to and you slip away kapag mema lang ‘yung tira ni opponent. Kaya lagi kang nagpaparaya sa white e at puro ka black. Laro ulit. Ikaw naman white.”

Em was completely amazed. He was able to analyze her playing behavior within a few weeks. During the time they spent together, she realized a few things about him: He’s patient, kind, and cute. Miguel rarely smiles but he laughed tremendously when she slipped a fart. From then on, she stopped being embarrassed and just farted whenever. He got really annoyed because of it and reprimanded her several times.

She played D2 to D3 this time. “Hey,” she fidgeted with her hands. “Don’t you think you should give me a reward if I bag first place again?”

“Bakit naman?” He didn’t even look at her. “You always win.”

“Walang kasiguraduhan ha! A few months ago I’m really certain I would win but people like you exist pala. Sure bang wala kang younger sister?” G1 to F3.

“Wala,” he shook his head. “Brother lang.”

Ooohhh. “Bakit ka nag-Archi?”

“Masaya.”

"E ngayon?"

He chuckled. “Medyo na lang.” They both had a good laugh. “E Comm Arts?”

“Masaya rin,” Em smiled. “Marami lang attitude. Daming pa-queen behavior e.”

“Parang ikaw?”

She frowned. “Hindi ah.”

“Biro lang,” he looked away, a bit… embarrassed? “You’re actually nice.”

Her eyes lit up. “Really? You think I’m nice?”

“M-medyo,” he stuttered and she instantly knew that talking isn’t his forte. “Okay ka kasama.”

“I knew it!” She stood up and toppled the chessboard over.

“Teka anong ginagawa mo -”

“Would you give me a reward if I win first place?” She pouted. “Please?!”

“Tumahimik ka nga,” Miguel tried to calm her down. “Ang sama na ng tingin sa atin nu’ng librarian.”

“Oo ka muna?”

“Oo na, oo na. Ano ba 'yun?"

"If I win..." her voice trailed off a bit. "Can you.. see me as a girl?"

He gave her a confused look. "You're a girl."

"No! Like, like... a girl you can date?"

Miguel got speechless. "Ha?"

"I'm wondering lang if I stand a chance with you?"

"Ha?"

"Hotdog!" She picked up her things in an instant and headed for the door. "Basta pumayag ka ha!"

The only problem is.. she lost.

Everyone in the hall got really surprised. Em gave it her best while thinking of Miguel's reaction once she wins but her premonition became true. A transferee this year had beaten her for the last two games and she never recovered. The chess club members even tried to console her because she looked so sullen.

If only they knew why.

Miguel only texted her once, on the day of her final match. He said good luck and never bothered reaching out the next day. Word must have reached him and he might be feeling ashamed because their training went to waste. He shouldn't have spent time with her and took time off his schedule.

Em wouldn't blame him if he wouldn't want to associate himself with her.

And again, on a Thursday, she saw him walking towards her near the gate. She quickly pretended like she wasn't even there to begin with and started to walk in the opposite direction.

"Oy!"

Oy?! It's a good thing that Em wasn't facing him or else he'd see her offended face. Oy na lang ngayon?! I have a name!

"Oy, girl!"

She stopped in her tracks and turned to face him. "Girl na lang ngayon?! May pangalan ako kaya?!"

He shrugged. "Ikaw nagsabi ah."

"Wala akong sinasabi -"

"I'm a simple man," he pointed at her. "I see a girl, I try to call her attention."

She pouted. "But I didn't win."

"Kaya mo ba ako iniwasan?"

She refused to meet his gaze, but they're walking side by side now. "Oo. Akala ko kasi hindi mo na ako papansinin."

"Eh ikaw nga 'yung hindi namamansin."

"Hindi ka nag-text?"

"I thought you needed time," his voice was gentle. "To process your loss."

"Okay lang naman sa akin 'yun," Em admitted. "Sa'yo kaya ako mas nahihiya. Kasi tin-rain mo pa ako and all tapos ganito result."

"Okay lang 'yun. Madami pa naman chance, may next year pa para bumawi."

"Buti na lang Archi ka."

"Bakit?"

"Para matuturuan mo pa ako next year."

"Hindi naman libre pag-mentor ko."

"Ehh," she whined. "Need ko manalo next year."

"Akala ko lang okay lang matalo?"

She stomped her feet. "Sabi ko nga.. I want you to see me as a girl you can date. I can't just ask you that out of nowhere because I'm afraid of rejection. So I want to place a bet para wala kang choice."

"I think that's rape."

"Rape ka dyan!"

"Anything forced is rape." He patted her head and she found their height differences cute. "Hindi mo naman kailangang manalo. I already see you as a girl."

"But not someone you could date."

"Sino may sabi?"

"Tsaka - " She stopped in her tracks. "What?!"

"Let's play again after dinner. White ka ha."

"Wait lang ano ulit 'yung sinabi mo! What do you mean?! Paki-clarify naman!!"

"If you win," he winked at her. "I'd tell you."

She lost to him again, and again, and again... until she reclaimed her title next year.

The only difference is her reward came in advance.

[iwouldhavelovedyoustill]

EP5: Wedding

They promised.

Both of them have promised in the past that they will be present at each other's wedding. So Myk takes time off his schedule and reaches out to her best friend for her current address. He wants to deliver the invitation properly in person; he's a man of his word after all.

Hannibal takes five days to reply; he says he asked for her permission and it took her a while to agree. Myk doesn't actually understand why she deactivated her Facebook after they broke up. Em doesn't usually stray too far from social media and it is so unlike her not to keep a single account on any platform.

But she actually went off the grid. No one can talk to her easily without going through mutual friends. Moving on from the break-up had been really a hard time for him and her being out of touch is the only reason why he never had the opportunity to ask for a second chance.

It was embarrassing enough that he sent several I love yous and Please talk to me kind of messages to her sister when he got drunk.

The house standing at the given address looks really, really weird. It is way too far from what they have imagined when the two of them are still dreaming about their future. Em will always make it clear that she wants a small, two-story house with enough space for the cats she'll adopt.

The place does not look pet-friendly.

There are no plants around the property, either. No signs of life at all. It is hard to imagine that her once bright smile would live inside these walls. It is made with unfinished concrete with a rusty iron gate that will not even serve security purposes.

A kid, presumably around the ages of 8-10, appears near the door. The boy sees him standing awkwardly outside their gate and he hastily calls for Mama.

Myk starts to wonder if he got the right address, but his heart sinks upon seeing Em in the doorway.

The Em he remembers is full of bright smiles. She occasionally pouts and acts disappointed, but he's always well aware of her real feelings.

Now he's completely clueless.

She smiles at him apologetically and invites him inside. The woman he once loved apologizes, once again, for all the mess in the living room. He doesn't even consider it a living room, but she mentioned that it is the sala. Her words do not convince him that this is the environment she deserved.

The first words out of him were, Sa inyo 'tong bahay?

She laughs. At least it is a real one now, he thinks. "Hindi," she dismisses him. "Sa mother-in-law ko."

His face must have shown a hint of betrayal because she immediately adds, "Hindi pa kami kasal. Live-in lang." She stands up and heads for the kitchen. "May gusto kang inumin?"

Myk shakes his head as he watches her scramble with the few ingredients she has to work with. Life has been obviously so difficult for her and this must be the reason why she suddenly disappeared. It only took him an hour to get there and had he known that she's too close, he would've visited her sooner.

To take her away.

He shrugs off these thoughts. She must be happy now, he convinces himself. Hindi naman sya mag-stay kung hindi.

She comes back to the table with something that looks like a sweet drink. "Sorry 'yan lang," she smiles sheepishly. "Hindi pa nakakapag-grocery si Mister eh."

Admittedly, it hurts a little bit. "Kailan kayo nagkakilala?"

"Hmmm," she loses herself in her thoughts for a while. "Last last year?"

Tapos live-in na agad? Myk couldn't get these thoughts off his head. He knows it's not his problem and her life decisions aren't something that he can easily meddle with. They're over; they cut ties five years ago. "Masaya ka ba?"

He can't help but ask. He has to know.

He has to.

"Hmm... hindi?" She is obviously messing with him. "Ano gagawin mo kung hindi?"

He's a loss for words. Well... what is he thinking, anyway? It's not like he can take her away from her current life. "Hindi ko alam," he admits. "I... Gusto ko lang malaman."

"Hindi ganoon kasaya lagi," she admits. "Pero okay naman. Nakaka-survive. Ganoon siguro talaga ang buhay, 'di ba? You just have to make do of what you've been given."

But you don't have to endure, he wants to argue with her. Myk can recall a few stupid choices that Em did when they were younger but nothing comes close to this. "Pwede kang umalis."

"Saan naman ako pupunta?" She uses a challenging tone.

"Hindi ko rin alam," he confesses. "But you don't belong here."

"And where do I belong?" Em begins to raise her voice. "Say, Myk, where?"

He struggles to find an answer.

"I didn't simply end up here, Myk," she reaches out for his hand. "I placed myself here. I rooted myself here and this was my choice."

"Mag-alaga ng anak ng iba at tumira sa ganitong uri ng bahay?"

Her eyes look cold. "Yes," even her tone is cold. "Okay lang sa akin na mag-alaga ng anak ng iba at mamuhay sa ganitong uri ng bahay."

"I didn't mean to -"

"I know," Em intervenes. "You just want the best for me. I understand that. But I'm okay. I'm really okay. And to be frank, you don't have a say in my life anymore."

That hurt. Again. "So akin na 'yung invitation and you can go on with your day."

How.. did -

"Syempre pina-stalk na kita kay Bal. I just need confirmation. Feel ko rin naman ito lang dahilan kung bakit mo ako kikitain ulit. And I'm really happy for you," she looks like she just stopped herself from hugging him. "It's about time that you settle down."

Myk feels like he's cheating, but he feels he has to say it:

Tayo sana 'yun. He hands the white envelope over. Pangalan sana natin 'to.

Em traces the ends of the delicate paper but doesn't actually open it. This is the only time Myk gets to observe her, and how she had aged over the years without him by her side. Her eyes have lost their spark and even her fingers look old and wrinkly. The only thing he can't figure out is why is she wearing a sweater at 2 in the afternoon.

"May sakit ka ba?" He tries to grab her arm to get a hold of her temperature, but she flinches at his touch. It takes him a while to realize the situation and he pulls her arm forcefully towards him. Myk pushes her sleeve away from her wrist and fresh bruises come to light.

He looks at her accusingly, demanding an explanation. Instead, she claims her arm back and distances herself from him. "Nakuha ko na 'yung invitation," she guides him towards the door. "You can expect me to be there. May gagawin pa ako."

"Em -"

"Please," her voice is desperate. "Don't make me look and feel helpless than I am now."

Her designated seat during the wedding remained empty until the reception ended.

[iwouldhavelovedyoustill]

EP4: Sheets

She wondered why he stayed the night.

Em woke up at exactly 8 in the morning, as she always does, but her view was different. Instead of seeing the dried flowers placed on top of her bedside table, she saw an innocently sleeping man and heard his soft snores.

Innocent ka dyan, she giggled to herself. Wala namang innocent sa ginawa nyo kagabi.

Memories of last night’s sexcapades flashed shortly in her head. Natawag na yata nya lahat ng pwedeng tawagin dahil napagod talaga sya kagabi. Kung pwede nga lang huwag na matulog dahil ilang beses pang humirit itong isa e malamang puyat na puyat sya ngayon.

She quietly slipped away from her sheets and grabbed the nearest shirt she could find, only to find out that it was his. Di bale na, she said in her head. She’ll just make coffee anyway.

Coffee person kaya sya? Em wondered. They have the usual hookup set-up and aside from their weekly meetings, she knew nothing more of the man. Ni edad nga ay hindi nya alam. She just trusted her own guts when they convinced her that he doesn’t look like a minor anymore. The pair matched on Bumble almost two months ago and talked shortly before they decided to meet up, resulting in two orgasms later.

They agreed that this would be convenient for both of them. She’s not ready for any attachments as of the moment but she feels the need to be held; not that she’d admit it in front of him anyway. Sinabi lang nya na ayaw nyang magseryoso and he didn’t pry further. Em also never bothered to ask... lalaki naman ‘yun. Matik.

Medyo na-weirduhan lang sya kagabi because he decided to stay. May pagkakataon noon na sobrang lakas ng ulan at walang maka-book ng Grab sa kanilang dalawa but he patiently waited for a ride. She politely offered him the couch since technically, they’re strangers, but he declined. Em didn’t insist further and the man left before 2AM. Things were a bit awkward afterward, but sex made up for it and they’re back to their normal arrangement.

The agreement is simple: they fuck each other’s brains. He seemed inexperienced during the first few sessions but eventually figured out her soft spots. He knew exactly where to lick, suck, and nibble. Em loved to be ‘forced’ every time and he would gladly oblige.

If you’d ask her about their intimate moments, she’d be too shy to answer. Ayaw man nyang aminin but she once felt that they had a connection. There’s this one session where both of them were in a hurry to get his dick inside her when he inserted it in the wrong hole. Em cried out in pain and her hormones stopped working immediately. He hugged her while she sobbed, apologized over and over again, and waited until she’s ready. It took her two hours to initiate a kiss and she won’t say that it’s because she enjoyed the way they cuddled too much. The way he held her felt like they could forget about the world and she imagined how it would be like to be with him.

Em gathered her thoughts and tried to wake up. Hindi mangyayari ‘yun, she discouraged herself. Asa ka pa.

She finds him cute. The guy is actually tall, wears glasses, and uses a very soft and gentle voice out of bed. She’d date him anytime, but Em is well aware that he’s not interested. Lagi nya itong hinahatid sa gate ng apartment nya and he had never looked back at her, even once. Goes to show that he doesn’t share the same soft spot she has for him.

A pair of arms tried to wrap her from the back, and Em felt her private part tighten. Isa pa ‘yun. She rarely thought of sex before they met. Ngayong regular silang nagkikita kada linggo, parang iyon na lang ang nasa isip nya. “Good morning.”

God, even his bed voice is to die for. Mag-oorgasm na yata ako dito pa lang. “Morning. Nagkakape ka?”

He kissed the back of her neck before pulling away. She turned to face him. “Hindi. May matamis ka ba dyan?”

“Okay na Milo?”

“Walang Swiss Miss man lang?”

“Ay, demanding? Taga rito ka ser?”

The guy chuckled. “Binibiro lang eh.”

It’s a good thing that she had already turned her back on him a few seconds ago or else he would’ve seen her smiling.

Ano ba ‘yan, kilig?! Ano ka Em, 18 years old? College?! Sikip keps?!!

He once asked if she had previous relationships similar to the one they have. She told him yes but left out the part that he’s the longest partner that she's ever had in bed. E type ko e, she said to herself. Paanong ‘di ko tatagalan e type ko nga.

Em brought both of their drinks to the small table. “Sorry ha, hindi ka nagsabing dito ka aabutan ng umaga eh, hindi ako nakapag-grocery pang-umagahan.”

“Okay lang,” he took a sip. “Nakain na naman kita kagabi.”

She almost choked on her coffee.

“Pwede kitang kainin ulit.”

Em coughed several times and he had to get a tissue to wipe her lips and chest stained with a few drops. He wiped her lips using his bare fingers and God forbid, she wanted to spread her legs right there and then. “Ang kalat mo,” he said in a low voice, then proceeded to lick her neck. “Linisan nga kita.”

She wasn’t wearing anything underneath his black shirt and his slender fingers went straight to her left boob. He massaged its entirety while licking and sucking on her neck, and Em can’t suppress a moan any further. “Baby,” they both agreed that the endearment baby would be okay in bed. “Kiss me, please.”

He looked at her lips shortly before slowly leaning in. His were really soft; Em had the habit of sucking on his lower lip like her life depended on it. His lips are slightly thicker than hers and can perfectly meet her need to suck. “Labas mo dila mo,” he whispered, but she shook his head. This was too weird for her because she’s used to sucking things, like his dick, and his fingers, but she still followed his plea.

He hastily removed his shirt from her and his tongue immediately landed on her right nipple. She moved her body forward, bringing her breasts closer to his face, while his right arm encircled her waist and pushed her body closer to him. His tongue swirled on her hardened nipple and she had to cover her mouth to muffle her moans. They have done this several times before, alright, but she still can’t avoid the embarrassing feeling of being naked in front of a stranger. If anything, it turned her on more.

He guided her to the bed and was about to spread her legs when she refused. She had seen him rub his shaft a few times to make it harder for her entrance, but she needed to have her fill. “Tayo ka,” she instructed him. She made him stand so his hips would be directly in front of her face and her mouth readily took his cock in.

It grew bigger inside her mouth; she had a small one, but it seemed to have grown fond of his dick. Em gagged during their first few sessions but eventually learned how to control her reflex to her advantage. She placed her hands on his legs, encouraged him to move, and a few milliseconds later, he started fucking her face.

She loved this feeling; of being used, being maneuvered, being overpowered. Her breasts started rubbing against his legs and she ensured that he’d feel her hardened nipples.

She needed him badly.

After a few licks, he pushed her away gently and made her lie down. She grinned while she spread her legs before him, extremely turned on because of the anticipation. Sex at night is good, but now Em knew that morning sex is ten times better. His dick slid inside her and a few strong hip thrusts later, he came.

She wasn’t forgotten, though. He used his fingers for her release and apologized for having orgasm early.

“Okay lang,” she giggled in his arms after both of them had recovered. “Umaga naman.”

“Meaning?”

“Umaga, like, unang beses?”

He grinned. “So meron pang kasunod?”

Em playfully hit his chest. “Makasabi naman ‘to. ‘Di ka busy?”

“Hindi,” he replied eagerly. “Ginawa ko na lahat ng gagawin ko bago ako pumunta dito.”

“Eh bakit nga?”

“Anong bakit?”

“Bakit dito ka natulog?”

“Wala lang,” he shrugged. “Bawal?”

“Wala ako sinasabi ah. Last time kasi umayaw ka.”

“Eh sa couch mo ako pinapatulog nu’n,” he then winked at her. “Gusto ko sa kama.”

“Siraulo.” She matched his playful tone. “E ‘di hindi tayo natulog nu’n?”

They both laughed. “Malamang.”

Silence engulfed them for a few minutes until he spoke again. “May napapansin ako.”

“Ano?”

“Hindi mo ako tinatawag sa pangalan ko.”

“Malay ko kung ‘yun pangalan mo,” she admitted. “Tsaka ikaw lang naman ‘yung nandito, wala akong ibang kausap. Hindi ka malilito.”

She felt his fingers moving. Again?

“Eh gusto kong marinig ‘yun galing sa’yo,” he licked her ear shortly, earning a warm shiver from her. “Lalo na kapag naungol ka.”

She pushed away his hand from her hips. Even if her actions have a different meaning, he knew otherwise. He’s well aware that this kind of foreplay turns her on. “Loko-loko. Kakatapos lang natin ah?”

“Eh may bago akong goal,” two of his fingers parted her vagina’s lips. “Marinig ‘yung pangalan ko.”

“Myk Myk Myk Myk Myk,” she said hastily. Akala ko pagod na ako? “Okay ka na?”

“Basang-basa ka na ulit,” he whispered in a husky voice. “Baby.”

She lost track of how many orgasms she had that day.

[iwouldhavelovedyoustill]

EP3: Soulmates

She’s his soulmate, alright, but he never figured out if he was hers.

The journey he shared with her had been.. challenging, and he’d oftentimes wonder how they made it this far. Before they started their relationship, she’s been really upfront with him and honest with her condition. She had been diagnosed at 17 with a syndrome that prevents her from bearing a child. It was hard to accept, at first, but eventually, his love prevailed.

It became a sensitive subject since then and both had been really careful not to tread on dangerous waters. He’s well aware how badly she wanted a child on her own, even before he came into the picture, and he had also imagined a miniature version of him around the house.

They managed to overcome this and ended up getting married. Her parents could only care less; her personality never allowed them to meddle in their affairs. His parents, on the other hand, were greatly involved and he had to cover up for her several times after the wedding.

Kailan kami magkaka-apo? His mom would always ask. He’d been hiding these questions from her, knowing that it would hurt her deeply. His family knew that she has a sensitive condition and bearing a child can be difficult; they just didn’t know that the chances are extremely low compared to what they initially thought.

Endless trips to different OB-GYN clinics had been made over the course of four years and he remained strong for her; she’s been reminded over and over of her lapses and he knows that she’s only doing him a favor.

Until one recent test shed some light.

They were told that they can try and she might be slightly fertile on certain days; on how it happened, no one knows, but they have to take advantage of the opportunity.

A few months later, two red lines appeared.

He’s really, really overjoyed, more for her than for himself. Myk knew that something had changed within his wife and her beautiful eyes became prettier, brighter… and more hopeful. He’d catch her humming in the morning while making him breakfast and she would even hug him at night, thinking he’s asleep, while muttering a soft thank you over and over again.

“Pinch me,” she asked him one morning. “Feel ko nananaginip lang ako.”

He then playfully pinched her plump cheeks. “Hindi,” he smiled at her back. “Totoo na ‘to.”

Work didn’t seem too heavy that day; now that he has a good reason to work for, Myk felt that everything had just gotten easier. He was about to head home when his phone rang.

“Sir,” the helper they hired temporarily called out his name in a hurry. “Sir, si Ma’am nasa ospital.”

A thousand buckets of cold water splashed over his shoulders. With a shaky voice, he asked for the address and drove as fast as he could. Please, please, he prayed several times over.

Please let her be okay.

Em’s pale face greeted him. They might have dodged a bullet, given the type of smile she gave him, but he knew that they have to be careful from now on. He caressed her face and asked about the situation. “We’re both safe,” his wife assured him. “Medyo mahina lang ang kapit nu’ng bata.”

They knew this day would come. Reaching her second month of pregnancy can already be considered a feat since they were warned beforehand: It might be dangerous for her. Her bodily hormones might not be enough to sustain the entire nine months. The doctor’s words echoed in his head and he’s reminded of her conviction.

Okay lang Doc, he remembered her gleeful answer. Kaya ko.

Before the deed was done, he also remembered convincing her countless times.

Sure ka?

Oo. Let’s do it.

Baka kung mapapaano ka lang niyan. ‘Wag na kaya, baby? Okay naman tayo.

She squeezed his hand. Sila Mami… she pertained to his family. Hindi okay na walang Seb. Or Dani. Em’s smile hurt a bit with the mention of their imaginary children. Kakayanin ko.

Seeing her lose all the colors on her face made him question their decision again.

“Anong nangyari?”

“Napagod yata ako,” she grinned. “I just tried feeding the cats.”

Feeding their little spawns from hell doesn’t require much energy and she’s already in the hospital. He can’t imagine how sensitive her situation can be once she gets past the first trimester. “Em..” He wanted her to know that he was serious by using her name. “Itutuloy pa?”

“Oo,” she answered, squeezing his hand once again. “Kaya ko.”

Her statement turned out to be the opposite after being confined again, in the hospital, two weeks later after the incident. This time, the helper didn’t call him, but Janica did. The situation’s way, way worse than he expected. His vision got blurry and suddenly, Myk couldn’t hear anything. He signed a form without reading it because everyone was urging him to.

All he could think about is his wife.

Janica’s slap brought him back to reality. “Bakit ka pumayag?” There were tears on her eyes.

Pumayag..? What did he sign? He didn’t know. Myk lost his senses for a while and even his memories of the last few minutes were scattered. His puzzled look prompted Em’s closest friend to continue talking. “Alam mo namang hindi nya kaya.”

“Gusto nya,” he breathed, wanting to defend their decision together. “Alam mo rin na gusto nya.”

“Ginawa nya ‘yun dahil sa’yo,” she accused him.

There’s no way he’d fight with her when his wife is in a critical condition, but he can’t afford to take all the blame. “Ano?”

“Walang araw na walang masakit sa kanya,” she said through gritted teeth and teary eyes. “Lahat sumasakit. Pangalawang buwan pa lang nya pero ‘yung nararamdaman nya pang-kabuwanan na. Nagvi-video call na lang kami para maaliw sya sa bahay kasi pati helper nyo tinataguan nya. Pero umiiyak sya sa’kin palagi,” he can’t even believe her words. “Sabi nya ang sakit-sakit na. Ni hindi sya makatayo pero pinipilit nya kada uuwi ka, kasi sabi nya.. kasi sabi nya..”

What did Em say? “Sabi nya ang saya-saya mo kahit ‘di mo sinasabi,” a tear finally fell. “Sabi nya sobrang proud mong itinawag sa nanay mo ‘yung balita. Para kang nabunutan ng tinik nu’ng nalaman nyo na buntis sya kaya kahit hindi nya kaya..”

He hoped that Janica would stop talking.

“Kinaya nya.”

Hours later, his wife was safely confined in a room and he was assured that she’s safe. The fetus, however, had to be immediately removed after he signed a form to avoid further complications. The small ovaries she once had were also taken away during surgery and she can never produce a child, regardless of the process involved.

Myk didn’t sleep for days. He was told that Em’s body had to recover from the severe pain she had endured for weeks and it will take her at least 3-7 days before waking up. A lot of people had visited him and extended their apologies.

He wondered why they did. If anyone should apologize, he thinks it’s him.

Em woke up on the fourth day. She opened her eyes before he did and a gentle tug from her fingers to his made him come to his senses. Neither of them spoke; they both knew that the loss was too much. His wife’s hands tried to cup his face lovingly, and she gently kissed his forehead.

“Don’t blame yourself,” she smiled sadly. “No one is at fault here.”

He broke down right there and then.

“Sorry,” he said between sobs. “Sorry ulit.”

“I know,” Em soothed his back. “Pasensya na rin.”

She asked for a few weeks off after being released from the hospital, and he gladly agreed. Em needed time for herself and he knew that… he just didn’t know that it would be indefinite. He had almost gotten used to the empty spot in their bed where she used to sleep. She would snore sometimes and he’d find it hard to sleep, but her face was so amusing that he turned it into a meme between them.

He should’ve been holding her, comforting her, telling her that it was okay. It wasn’t her fault, her shortcoming; both of them were to blame for risking it. If she was next to him, he would tell her it is okay, and he still feels complete even if there’s only the two of them for the rest of their lives. Their lives would be forever scarred with this incident, but it is only a single event that wouldn’t be able to define their entire marriage..

..would it?

His wife finally came home after two months. She looked healthier after the discharge, but her aura.. was different. Almost unrecognizable. Even his affection almost looked rejected. And forced.

“I want us to talk,” she told him. “I’ll cook dinner.”

Myk didn’t want the day to end. He almost wished that the clock at the office wouldn’t reach 5PM and if he could spend the night with his computer, he would. There’s just something in her voice that he wanted to avoid.

The papers she handed over confirmed this feeling.

He didn’t want to touch the envelope, even if it was only inches away from his reach. He stopped eating bistek, his favorite dish of hers, and he had never refused to eat this meal before. Myk didn’t even want to ask what kind of documents are being contained in the brown envelope.

“I.. talked to your Mom without you knowing,” she started. “I told her everything.”

He suddenly can’t breathe.

“She was quiet for a while, then she got mad, you know? The kind of mad I deserved. She didn’t say it, but she thinks that I tricked you into marrying me.”

That’s absurd.

“And I feel like I did,” she laughed emptily. “I forced you into a life you didn’t deserve.”

He wondered what made her think like this. Was it because of the toys he bought before they even knew the gender? Or maybe the times he spent talking to the imaginary bump she has around her stomach? What?

What forced her to have these ridiculous thoughts?

“Tama na,” he raised his hand. “Tulog na tayo. Ako na maghugas ng plato. Pahinga ka na.”

“Myk..”

“Hindi,” he shook his head and stood up. Myk gathered all the plates, despite being full, and rushed them towards the sink. His tears were about to fall and he’s not letting her see him. “Bukas tayo mag-usap. Kakauwi mo lang galing probinsya. Pagod ka pa. Magpahinga ka na sa kwarto. Susunod ako.”

“Hindi ako umuwi.”

He froze where he stood. What?

“Hindi ako umuwi, Myk,” Em admitted. “Inasikaso ko ‘to.”

“Okay,” he sniffed. “Bukas natin i-discuss ‘yan —”

“Myk..”

“ — kasi pagod na rin ako sa work —”

“Baby..”

“ — mas okay ‘yung pag-uusap natin kung bukas —”

“Myk!”

He turned around, slightly annoyed. “Ano?!”

“Tama na.”

Em slowly walked towards him and it felt like time passed by slower than it should be. Suddenly, he saw everything flash before him; the way she came to him every time she spotted him in the crowd, the way she beamed at him for bringing her favorite gummy bears, and how she looked ethereal under her veil on the day of their wedding.

She was the love of his life. Still is. His soulmate. No one could ever make him laugh like she does. He had never viewed anyone the way he sees her. Everything she does just makes him adore her more and he had never known love before her.

If she leaves.. what now?

“Em,” he hugged her tightly and desperately. “It’s just one time. We’ll still be okay. Wala lang ‘to. Pagsubok lang ‘to. Normal lang ‘to sa mag-asawa —”

His wife hugged him tighter, and once again, she said, “Myk..

.. tama na.”

He wept like a child that night.

[iwouldhavelovedyoustill]

EP2: Thesismates

Em grunts.

The class tries to sort out their thesis partners for the rest of the semester and unluckily, she draws an unfamiliar name. It takes her a few seconds to remember that Miguel Lopez is an irregular student who is a year older than her. Ugh, she says for the nth time. Of all people.

Lopez is actually an ‘okay’ student in her head. Diligently attends classes, shows up when he’s needed, and answers during recitations but with a few stutter words in between. The problem is she doesn't know his writing (and video-editing) abilities and she might end up doing all the work. For their final thesis requirement, the class is divided into pairs and each pair is required to create an hour-long film.

On the other hand, she wants to come up with a masterpiece — something that can pass as an entry to film festivals.

She exchanges numbers with him and adds him on Facebook for a more convenient way of communication. “Meron ka na bang idea?”

“Sa?”

“Genre.”

“Sci-fi?” Em tries her best not to snort. A simple film under the drama category would have cost them thousands just from finding shooting locations. She will not be surprised if sci-fi would cost half a million. “Ang hirap nu’n.”

“Pero astig,” he grins, and she realizes that he’s teasing her.

“I like drama,” she responds, without a hint of amusement in her tone.

“Korni.”

Em fights the urge to smack him in the face. “Alam mo namang mahirap ‘yung sci-fi.”

“E ‘yun nga ‘yung challenge do’n.”

She notices that he’s been staring at her intently the entire time and it is making her uncomfortable, in a weird way. She decides to challenge him back. “Baka ‘yang mindset na ‘yan ‘yung rason,” she pauses shortly. “Kung bakit hindi ka pumasa.”

Em knows she struck a nerve. She feels a little bad about it, but right now, she just wants to answer back and make him shut up. Her friends are already partnered with talented individuals and being stuck with someone she barely knows makes her more pissed.

For the first time, he looks away and his next words feel indifferent. “Hindi mo kailangang ulit-ulitin.”

Lopez did not talk to her for the rest of the class, nor for the rest of the week.

//

The other pairs are already making progress with their theses and Em feels more frustrated than ever. A week of silence from her thesis mate made her realize that she’s in the wrong; she knows she should have never said that. Lopez is only offering his ideas and it is not her fault that he got chosen as her partner. It is the result of random draw lots and using his past failure against him is way, way below a person’s belt.

She decides that he reaches out to him today, through Facebook, and it is a good thing that he’s online.

hey

Hi

free ka this sat?

Bakit

Em panics. He’s still mad, she says in her head, but I have to be nice, right? I’m the wrong one here.

pwede sana tayong mag-meet for thesis?

Di pwede after school?

taray naman :( ano sana, treat kita coffee tapos review tayo ng local films for references?

He leaves her on seen, which infuriates her further. I’m being nice here!!

The video icon on top of their conversation has pulsating circles around it, indicating that he’s still in the chatbox. Maybe he wants me to say something else?

look here.. i’m sorry.

For?

being an ass during our last encounter. i was pissed that i drew your name and wasn't even partnered with someone in my class. i know, i know, not your fault, and i shifted my blame to you. so please help me get rid of this guilty feeling and let me treat you to a cup of coffee?

The chat box is quiet for a few minutes, and his next reply leaves her in shock.

Sure ka bang hindi mo ako inaayang mag-date?

Em can’t believe her eyes. Here she is, apologizing for the first time (probably during her entire college life) and this is the reply she gets. The only thing that confuses her is the tinge of excitement and embarrassment that she felt a minute ago when she first read his message. Now, it’s a mixture of disbelief and shock.

of course not! i mean business when i said that. okay lang naman na hindi but please, tell me you’ve forgiven me so we can move on and work on our thesis with no hard feelings.

He sends a laughing sticker.

Ganun kadali? First time mong mag-sorry Em?

Em? Are they on a first-name basis now?

why are you calling me em???? close ba tayo

Ano gusto mo tawag ko sayo? Bb?

syempre hinde!!!! ano nga kasi :( please stop teasing me okay i promise to be a proper thesismate without shaming you from now on. u like sb or cbtl?

Or

aahh :(

Hindi ako nagkakape e

hala sayang. e milktea?

Pwede pwede

ok noted. gusto mo this sat or sa tapat nalang ng school?

Di legit yung nasa tapat ng school. Sat nalang

ok what time?

Ano oras ka ba free

i prefer hapon, di kasi ako morning person. so sino magdadala ng laptop for the films?

Ayaw mo bago? Palabas na Parasite ah

e sikat na yun e, baka ma-ruin yung movie kasi may expectations na ako before ko panoorin

Kukuha lang ng ideas e

sige na nga, ako naman nagso-sorry. milktea lang ah?

Tsaka borger at frays

ba demanding naman nito??

Samahan mo na rin ng protas

ha?? maysakit ka ba??

Puro ka kasi aral di mo alam yung trending. Sige na may gagawin pa ako

ok. magkikita pa naman tayo bukas sa class e. thanks for talking to me. have a nice day. :)

Ikaw din

Em closes her Messenger app after reacting ‘like’ to his last message and proceeds to take a bath. Half an hour later, she emerges from the bathroom, and gets curious if Lopez sent another message.

Apparently, he did.

Bb date to ah, wag mo kalimutan

She wonders why she never bothered correcting him and only decided to react 'haha' back.

[iwouldhavelovedyoustill]

EP1: Coffee Shop

He normally goes to the coffee shop in front of the building, but it is his first time seeing her. She’s a new barista, alright, and she might not be aware of his usual fix. Myk reiterates and the girl nods in acknowledgment. He pulls out his cash and pays for his drink. He’s about to head towards a nearby table when she calls his attention and kindly asks him to write his name on the receipt.

“Sir pakisulat na lang po dito ‘yung pangalan nyo,” she beams at him. “Para po tama ‘yung spelling sa cup.”

The new girl walks away with the receipt and he finally settles down. Myk gets lost in the sea of emails and a few minutes later, he claims his order from the counter. It will only take him a few steps to get to the office and he (unluckily) runs into his co-worker, Ian, who can be annoying (in his opinion) as hell. This officemate tends to throw unsolicited remarks that make everyone laugh, except him. He prays fervently that the elevator ride that they share will only end up in silence.

Unfortunately, his prayer falls on deaf ears. “Mukhang crush ka nu’ng barista ah,” Ian teases him.

Myk looks at him in wonder and Ian moves his gaze towards his cup. It says:

Mykie <3

- and there’s a scribble on his tissue.

Great.

He doesn’t have any time for flings and his work requires most of his time and attention. The girl must be informed of their company’s policy, if they have any, not to make any moves towards a customer. A regular customer at that. Myk rests in his seat for a few minutes and the day passes by quickly.

Ten minutes past five, he sees the new girl in the lobby and Myk gives out a long sigh. Better to end this early, he tells himself, and he approaches her. “Hey,” he calls her attention. She turns around in her blue dress and white sneakers, but what catches him off-guard is her pink ribbon. Her curly locks look a bit dry, but still, cute. She might be a few years younger than him, maybe in college, trying to make her vacant hours useful by working in a coffee shop.

Wait — did he just think she’s cute?

At this moment, he notices that she’s trying to recognize his face. That’s weird, he says in his head. Why would she struggle to recognize him? The tissue that came with the drink clearly has motives. Ian also mentioned that the sender wants to start ‘something’ with him because of the flirty heart and nickname. “Oh,” she finally nods. “From earlier.”

She sounds different, Myk thought in his head. Maybe it has something to do with their work etiquette, but she looks less approachable now. The coffee shop girl certainly looks cuter when she’s smiling. He also notices her long lashes and almost gets lost in her eyes, but he wakes himself up.

You’re here to reject her, he reminds himself. “Hey, so I received your note this morning and I’m really thankful for the drink, pero wala talaga akong balak and I’m not in the right mood to date someone. I can recommend you to someone nice if you really want to —”

She laughs.

Madly, loudly, annoyingly. It makes him want to shrink right there and then in embarrassment. Myk doesn’t like the thought of rejecting someone, but this girl irks him.

Or maybe not. Her laugh sounds weird and a few people turned their heads towards their direction, but it lasts for a few seconds and Myk wonders why he felt a bit sad when it ended. “Look here, you know I’m not the one who made your drink, right?”

Wait — what? But she took his order and —

Myk prays for the ground to swallow him whole. Why did he automatically assume it was her?

“I received a tissue paper with a cellphone number on it,” he tries to explain, and pulls out the tissue from his front pocket. “Eto —”

“You can call it if you want,” the blonde girl takes out her phone. “Let’s see kung magri-ring.”

Myk dials it promptly and true to her word, her phone did not even make a sound. He could almost feel his cheeks burning, although it only happens in movies. “I’m sorry,” he apologizes sincerely. “Pasensya na sa abala.”

He walks out of the building and tries to hail a cab. It’s been a really, long day and the last thing he wants to do is to embarrass himself in front of a stranger. Myk makes a mental reminder not to have chai tea the next day, or the next, next day, and maybe find a new coffee shop he can go to. Or maybe he can try to drop by today before going home and ask for the blonde girl’s shift so he could avoid it. She’s free now, so she might be on the morning shift. But baristas do not have a definite schedule and he’s well aware that they could easily cover each other's shifts.

His trail of thoughts gets stopped by his phone ringing and an unknown number flashes on the screen. Myk hesitates, but answers it nonetheless.

He hears a playful voice. “Have you learned any lesson today?”

The words are followed by an all-familiar laugh, similar to the one he just heard a while ago. He turns around and sees the blonde girl holding two phones, one in her hand and the other is next to her ear.

“If you want to get someone’s number,” she smiles at him through the glass windows. “Get a spare phone.”

God knows how hard he’s been trying to suppress a smile. “So..”

“Please ‘wag mo ako i-reject,” she pouts. “Mykie.”