islayfay

[islayfay]

right now if my life were a movie it would be an ironic but inspiring hallmark inspired movie about an autistic girl moving back to her hometown and figuring out adulthood. here's how it'd go:

background: years ago she moved to the city for college in hope of leaving small minded people behind and finding people who really got her. she does find a welcoming community and "great" friends, but only to sadly lose them over a depressive episode where she gets diagnosed as autistic.

here's where the story picks up: now finishing college, she's trying to figure out how to adult with the added pressure of being autistic and her newfound identity and support systems that came with her diagnosis. she's looking for jobs in her area of study that she could actually tolerate with limited success and even smaller prospective paychecks. then, to her surprise, she finally gets a good job offer, but it comes with a downside: it's not remote as she'd expected, but in her hometown, so she must move back.

so now she has to figure out how to adult and build a life for herself in a new environment set somewhere she ran away from, all while learning to navigate her autistic identity. will she find a healthy lifestyle, a career she likes, friends, or love amongst bitter old memories? watch and find out

#also she's a lesbian #DANG this would be a good movie #pls can someone make a movie or write a fic or book about this #the hometown in question probably isnt that bad she just used to know the bad $$$ conservative crowd that runs the town #cause the town is big but that crowd makes it feel like a small world bc everyone knows everyone #except all the people who aren't “like them” enough to be in said crowd #so probs most of the town #dang now i wish i were a good writer

[islayfay]

me, starting my thesis on design applied to organisational systems for autistic adults, right on autism awareness week?? more likely than you'd think

****pls if you're autistic and have found a tip or planning thing or something thta has helped you, let me know!!!!****

#cue in me looking up “how to adult” masterlists and finally hitting up local autism resources i should've hit forever ago #but now its not just for me but to potentially help other people to so my brain finally finds it ok to ask for help

[islayfay]

not binary or nonbinary but a secret third thing

[islayfay]

Can I just quickly take the time to talk about how much I love Quinn from Heartbreak High as an autistic person. FINALLY an autistic character who loves fashion, makeup, and partying and is really intelligent WHILE at the same time having real autism struggles and problems

[islayfay]

srry for the rant but i’ve gotta defend jane and julio for a bit

seeing heartstopper fans calling jane and julio bad parents is making me so sad. like i know that most heartstopper fans probably are teenagers so they haven’t realized yet how parents are just human too, how growing up and having kids doesn’t make you feel like you’re good at adulting or good at parenting, that they too probably feel out of depth often and just learn how to do things by doing them most of the time, which includes parenting (ik that’s not ideal and starting to change but their generation is like that). (ok yeah, jane and julio remind me of my parents)

the thing is, parents not getting their kids and the kids not coming to their parents for support is extremely common, especially with reactionary punitive parenting (aka what most parents automatically do) such as jane and julio’s, and when their kids are mentally ill, like charlie, that’s likely to create a bigger distance between them and their kids before they learn how to best deal with it, which Takes Time. yeah that’s not ideal, but that’s reality, and i really think they will try their best to become better for their kids. jane and julio aren’t bad parents, they’re just humans making mistakes and learning from them.

#based on my experience having parents who tried their best but them being authorative and me mentally ill our relationship #wasn't great until we figured out how to deal with my mental health and their parenting style shifted with time #also reading jane and julio's short story made me see them as people beyond being Parents

[islayfay]

the queer experience of only having someone you’re into like you too already as an adult but not knowing how to act because you’ve never gotten this far before

but x100000 cause you’re also autistic

#mindlessly drawing parallels with your favorite ship bc that's what you know #then telling myself off cause if i want this to work and be healthy comparing it to fictional relationships def isn't the way to go #and the classic googling how to human ofc lol #i AM cautious of myself though cause i want us to be able to communicate well but how will i do that when identifying my feelings is hard #nevermind communicating them bc socializing #especially in unfamiliar ways and contexts #also i want her to know the real me but idk how to NOT mask as i do so unconsciously #at least she thinks she has adhd too lol #autistic #autism

[islayfay]

Janet Fish (American, b. 1938), Five Bertolli Bottles, 1971. Oil on canvas, 48 x 72 in.

[islayfay]

not to be a nerd but it’s so crazy how he (Bernini) really did that from cold hard stone……. truly a spectacle, truly breathtaking, an honor to behold

[islayfay]

octave denis victor guillonnet / gordon mortensen / santiago rusiñol / raoul dufy / albert marquet / henry moret

[islayfay]

I wish people would quit the “no one can love you if you don’t love yourself” when facts are that we learn how to love ourselves through being loved by other people. Being loved is an integral part of loving yourself and there’s nothing shameful about needing it.

[islayfay]

[islayfay]

I hate that the stock response for "I'm lonely/I feel undervalued by my loved ones/I want a romantic partner" is "well do you value YOURSELF? You need to learn to enjoy being alone!" as if lonely people aren't very intimately familiar with being alone. Self esteem and love are important but they're not substitutes for companionship or friendship or romance and pretending that loneliness is a personal failure that can be fixed by self-improvement feels not only delusional but pretty cruel

#i was depressed for so long and just about lost half my friends due to not knowing how to communicate and express my feelings #i was lost and on autopilot nothing felt real anymore it was like i'd forgotten how to human #i got SO lonely and i wanted to get better but it wasnt working until i got properly diagnosed and had a break at uni to visit family +bff #then it's like everything suddenly turned around and i finally got an internship in the area i wanted #met a great girl was into her and it's miraculously mutual and i even got into Really cool classes at uni for this semester #ANYWAYS #i always thought i had to fix/improve myself by myself BEFORE getting people to love me and doing what i want in life #but i ended up finding loving and improving myself nearly impossible when i was so depressed i couldn't do anything properly #that i lost friends and all confidence in myself #now i have to fight this belief i don't deserve love until i get my shit together by myself #cause turns out i needed loved ones' help (and of mental health professionals) before i could start getting my shit back together #so i can hopefully go back to loving myself and seeing myself the way they see me #be that with friends family romantic partners or even professionally #so if you read this and are lonely or feel undervalued by your loved ones REACH OUT #this improve by and start loving yourself first is some hyperindividualistic bullshit product of late stage capitalism anyways #us humans are social animals that have only survived for this long because of our community instinct of mutual help #*whispers* no shit everybody's mental health is shit now considering our hyperindividualistic lifestyle

[islayfay]

Source: Lesbian; Sacred Sexuality- by Diane Mariechild & Marcelina Martin

[islayfay]

i just had my second and final assessment appointment and I’M AUTISTIC and adhd and ocd (i definitely didn’t see that last one coming), on top of my anxiety and depression, ofc. tbh i really hadn’t expected to have 5 diagnosis, but i guess that’s still better than if it turned out i wasn’t autistic or didn’t have adhd like i’d feared cause either of these outcomes would have made me feel like i was losing my mind. now wish me luck cause i’m gonna need treatment from a neurologist, a psychiatrist AND a therapist all specialized in autism and that sounds both expensive and hard to find, yikes

#ALSO I HAVE A DATE TODAY #fck the girl is so cute this is the most excited i've been for a date in years #idk it feels like there is real potential with her AAAAA

[islayfay]

Normal People, Jane Austen, and the Romance of Walking Around by @snoopysfriendwoodstock

[islayfay]

completely unprompted reminder that most countries with great healthcare either do not allow disabled immigrants or purposely make it extremely difficult for disabled immigrants to become citizens

#now it makes sense why such countries are more liberal with testing and aborting disabled fetus

[islayfay]

i forgot a fucking JOB INTERVIEW today. like i woke up and was like “ok gotta remember that and set an alarm for a few minutes before” and then promptly forgot and took a too long nap even though i’d woken up at 2 pm. my focus and sleep schedule have been extra bad since i went to a party last saturday, and i tell myself everyday today will be different but still can’t focus and end up going to bed way too late. and i’d just gotten into a good sleeping schedule, ugh. like, i’d stay out late often before the pandemic and it would barely affect me, but since the pandemic it feels like everything takes more effort and little things hit me harder.

fuck the pandemic for completely changing my life and making me isolate for 2 years, now it’s like i unlearned all the progress i felt i’d made coping with being autistic and i’m as lost as i was back in high school, except now i’m bad at uni cause i can’t focus on shit instead of hyperfocusing on school and being a star student. i just want to get diagnosed so that i can start treatment and feel like i can do ok at uni again and get and be good at a job instead of feeling useless and unhepful to society. btw also fuck medical misogyny cause maybe if they’d paid attention earlier to how autism manifests in girls and women i’d gotten diagnosed earlier and wouldn’t have fucked up my executive function so much

good news is i scheduled an appointment for the end of the month with a neuropsychologist that’s specialised in autistic women (!!!! finally found one, only took me 7 months lol) to get a diagnosis, AND my parents now actually believe i’m autistic  (they read an article about asperger’s syndrome and thought i had it, then i explained that’s autism lol)

#i should’ve thought a year ago to tell them i thought i had asperger’s instead of autism to make it less shoking for them and have them not #i just want to be able to focus and be productive #and feel like i'm somehow helping people with what i do instead of feeling like a couch potato all day