islandpcosjourney

[islandpcosjourney]

Hope in the peace of God’s timing

30th December 2023

“My hope’s been that for 7yrs 🤷🏻‍♀️ when do you say enough’s enough & move on leaving that hope behind? Coz I can’t imagine not hoping anymore but hoping every year with nothing changing is tiring. This year I can say something different in that the hope we were given last year by being approved for our first cycle of IVF was proven to be not worth all the hope we placed in it because it was a complete failure. So do we simply put that same hope in a 2nd cycle & most likely be writing exactly the same words next year? Sometimes we have to face the truth of being childless. I’m just not sure when I’ll have the courage to face that truth. So maybe the hope should be that those struggling find peace in whatever their life is during the holidays. It’s just a never ending cycle otherwise. Hope you all have a lovely Christmas in whatever shape or form it takes xxx”

This was my comment, my response to a post on fb showing the above picture. In years gone by, I’d have simply liked it, naively smiling & agreeing, buying into the empty human words rather than those of scripture. What do people out there reading these posts put their hope in? Where do they direct it, if it isn’t towards God? A hope in a fair world where we all get what we want “in the end” or because someone tells you “I just know it’ll work out for you”?

Another year passes without being able to share the happy news that we so want to be able to.

Every time I want to write about my disappointment in my blog, I am reminded that there is so much goodness in my life that shouldn’t be overlooked because of one aspect of our lives that doesn’t feel complete. And so I haven’t written a blog post in months, because it doesn’t feel right to unburden my negative thoughts when I have so much to be thankful for.

But….. What if it’ll never happen? What if we go through 2 more rounds in the ring & all we can report on is more disappointment? What if this hope from God that I hold onto each day, each week, each month and as each year passes doesn’t amount to anything? What then?

I fear the moment where all hope is lost, or will it ever be that I don’t have hope? Presumably that ultimate brick wall would be reaching the menapause 🤷🏻‍♀️ The gospel of Luke, the most-read portion of the Bible at this time of year, teaches us in Chapter 1, before the “Christmas” story unfolds, about how Elizabeth, in her elder years, is granted a miracle with the conception of John the Baptist. This is 6 months before the Angel Gabriel visits her cousin Mary as she learns she is to conceive our Lord & Saviour Jesus Christ. All hope is conceived in these two miracles & this hope has reigned in history ever since. That hope continues within me but with that, a part of me is lost, not found. That part of me that allows hope to consume me, the Holy Spirit, keeps telling me to believe in miracles but life experience knocks away at me, reminding me how we don’t always get the miracles we hope for.

It is not for us to decide what we should be granted in life. I have already been given so many miracles/gifts in my life to be so thankful for - none of which I asked for but I am still so grateful for. However, in the life-long assumption & desire that I would become a mum, along-with a promise I believe that was delivered to me 6yrs ago, I am flooded with impatience which is so hard to handle as a Christian. It is so difficult to accept that I should be born with such a yearning need to mother a child yet for that opportunity to be so cruelly tested. I’m not the only one, the Bible teaches us that, but there is a distinct possibility that I will not get to experience that happy ending. Mine will likely be a different story.

The challenge is to continue with a relatively normal life while carrying this never-ending burden that just isn’t possible to switch off from. My Christian beliefs teach me to be happy & content with the life that God has given us; not to want, not to desire, not to expect. In theory that sounds great & very peaceful. In practice, God gifted us with the ability to feel, the ability to desire, the ability to have free-will, to make decisions & choices. These abilities make living a peaceful life very difficult when God has given us the ability to think for ourselves, all while trying to live our lives in the glory of His name.

So how do I carry on with the light of hope flickering from day to day? I will be focusing on my health this year because in the last 3 months, I have not felt right at all. Since IVF in October, essentially I have been abdominally uncomfortable - constantly bloated, in pain most days & my hormones are unusually heightened meaning every normal symptom I’d feel during my cycle is at least 4 times worse than it was pre-IVF. This can be attributed to the hormones I had to inject - the minimal amount of hormones. I was on a short protocol, which means it was the most sensitive approach plus I was on the injections for the shortest amount of time I could possibly have been on. So, to then be spending a quarter of this year feeling so unlike myself in my body, with no good outcome to show for it all because it was a complete failure of a cycle, makes me concerned about doing it again, least of all because next time they plan to put me on a more aggressive protocol 🤷🏻‍♀️ and they still warn us it’ll likely have the same outcome.

I have not been able to work as much as I should normally have this term, letting students down big time. I’ve had 2 bouts of flu, one pretty nastily with a chest infection recently needing antibiotics & steroids, and it still hasn’t completely cleared up. Has my body just decided to give up on life? Hormones causing my immune system to shut down? Have I caused a domino effect of chain reactions leading me back to the ill health I had over 3yrs ago? I better not be going backwards, but I need to now focus on regaining the control I had over my health which started halfway through 2020. Feels like a lifetime ago now but I had good momentum, a clear head because no aspect of it was about TTC, we were in the middle of the adoption process, no focus at all on my fertility. That made it easier, I don’t doubt it for a second. So, should I take that out of the equation now?

When I did that before, consciously back at the end of 2017, I regretted it. It was not my place to take the contraceptive pill to “reduce the dangers of conceiving naturally while being overweight” as my consultant had put it. I accepted years ago that she was scaremongering & meddling with God’s plan. I then saw all medical intervention as bad, spiralled out of control as the grief of losing my Dad took over but regained full control of my health 3yrs later. Since “trusting” in the medical world again, I’ve lost that control over my health & I feel I’m back to square one. It’s so difficult to know what to do for the best.

On one hand, mentally I wouldn’t be content with letting sleeping dogs lie, giving up & accepting our childless lives when the NHS are allowing us to continue on with a 2nd round of ICSI (IVF). I don’t believe God put this option in front of us if he didn’t mean for it to be a consideration. He after-all gave the scientists their abilities. I know some would disagree, saying that it’s Satan teasing & tempting us and that we’ve already fallen down that rabbit hole by having done one round but I challenge anyone to disagree that life, no matter how it started, is not a miracle. In the church I know that illegitimate children were once made to feel ashamed, especially their parents, but that was wrong. All children are children of God. He made them in his image. He made them for a purpose. They are all miracles. If we got that chance to create our little Morrison miracle, even if they started in a petri dish, that’s God’s decision, his making, his creation. God didn’t allow our mini-Morrison embryos to develop in October. The scientists couldn’t analyse why they hadn’t developed. Only God knew & there was a reason why they weren’t meant to survive. A reason for us to feel that pain.

On the other hand, we go into round 2 knowing that physically, my health will be much worse off. So now I need to ensure that I am in the best health I’ve ever been to go into round 2. Our counsellor at the ACU in Ninewells advised us that most women only reach about 75% of their normal-selves again by the time they do another round. At this point in time I don’t even feel 50%, probably more like 25% if I’m brutally honest with myself, so I would love to feel more like 75% or should I aim for higher?

None of this “surviving” that I’ve done this year would’ve been possible without my darling Kevin by my side (the one who keeps me insane & I love him for it) or without having my faith in God. While I believe I’ve always accepted Christ as my Saviour, minus a number of questionable years down south where faith was more of a force of habit & tradition than in my heart (attributed to spending 9yrs without a central denomination or congregation to call “home” no matter where I lived - a big reason I know that having a church in your life is imperative to holding Christ’s teachings & love close to you, within a community, something which I did not have), it was this year that I finally took the plunge to publicly profess my faith in Him. Over the years I thought that I knew Jesus but I did not really KNOW him until I was able to accept that I was one of his flock within our community at Carloway Free Church.

Nearly 6yrs ago, I knew that I was a born-again Christian, for in the moment when I learnt of my Dad’s passing, though there was much pain & sorrow, there was hope, strength & gratefulness for his life. Jesus was in my heart, helping me through every challenge. I just didn’t admit it out aloud, for fear of it changing me, changing my life as I knew it & in a phase of my life where so much else was changing anyway, I couldn’t accept more change and so I left my deepest faith hidden & suppressed to the outside world. I am not ashamed. I believe the Lord was preparing me, for a better moment when I could devote all of my thoughts to Him and fully commit when “His timing was right”. I believe that burying my faithful feelings was, in a way, allowing them to ferment (wine) or prove (bread) - the elements of our communion, to “do this in remembrance of Him” - and at the right moment, they were set free to be what they ought to be; shared with others in Christ & to serve in His glory.

See, this concept of timing, His timing, is not a concept at all. It is a promise. He knows what is best for us & he will ensure that all aspects of our lives are exactly as they should be, at every turn. I know that he has meant for Kevin and I to feel weakness, dread, hopelessness, unstable & out of control. He is teaching us that suffering is a really important aspect of life and faith. He is teaching us patience. Just like in a very gripping film or tv series, when there’s a plot twist you don’t expect right at the end (maybe we like it, maybe we don’t) we are to learn that life is meant to be eventful & unpredictable. But in this rollercoaster ride that He has us on, it can be so hard to trust & believe in His timing because nothing runs smoothly on the journey to wherever He is taking us. The challenge is to find the fun in it all & enjoy the ride, for how much control over the route do we really have?

Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I’d be using my Gaelic to work for a faith-based organisation. I trained as a musician & teacher 🤷🏻‍♀️ but God’s timing & plan is everything. I wrote of my transformative summer working with the Scottish Bible Society in my last Hogmanay message. At the time, that felt like a ‘wild card’ job where it just so happened that my skills as a musician with recording experience, my limited knowledge of theology but raw faith as a Christian, my passion for my native language & my summer availability due to Covid lag on my usual endeavours all coincided and I ended up on an amazing adventure where I found a voice for my faith. I believe God sent me on that mission to release my deeply imbedded (to now finish proving & fermenting) love for His word & reignite the Gaelic community with a modern text which reminded them of what they’re about to lose if we don’t act now.

What came from that project was quickly developing & SBS needed someone who spoke Gaelic who could take the ambition forward - that’s where I came in. Just one very normal day in May during my Tesco shop I get a call from Fiona, my boss from the project who had become a friend since then alongwith with Adrian, my now line-manager. The desire SBS had of creating a Gaelic post, a concept which had been mentioned several times in passing since that project, was coming to fruition. Could I spare 15hrs a week to take it on? 😯 I had already expressed an interest when I told them both back in February after the audio launch that if circumstances were different & I lived in Edinburgh again, I’d be delighted to have colleagues like them, so I was in complete shock at being offered a post where I could work remotely & flexibly around my teaching hours. I didn’t need to think about it much, a quick text to Kevin to check he was ok with me taking on another job which was more commitment than my nursery cover hours which I could take/leave during slacker/busier weeks - this was permanent. I of course read the job description & slept on it overnight but I accepted the job the next morning & started in June & have loved every minute of it since. The rest is history as they say.

I have the most wonderful colleagues in a team of around 20 who are all Christians & as a result are just so easy to work alongside because they are naturally wonderful, Godly people. My 6-month performance review was a delightful few hours (who can say they “enjoy” those?!) chatting away to Adrian who is unlocking so much of my potential & teaching me to trust that even though I may not have been “trained” for this post either at uni or anything that’s worth stating on a CV but the word of God has trained me up my whole life to be able to serve Him in this way & what better textbook or career enrichment is that than the Bible itself? I was feeling like an imposter but doing this work is not about having studied theology or even the Gaelic language. My grammatical or even modern spelling skills are so outdated but I can delegate to our volunteers & I am not ashamed to ask for help. I have no idea why God has thrust me into this work, I don’t know where it might lead me or the future of Gaelic worship but I do know that it excites me & I’m able to demonstrate that in my passionate way.

So, in short (or long as this post seems to have become 😂), 2023 has not been the best of years in some respects but in others it has been the greatest because I was gifted another year living on this earth with my husband by my side, my Mum who has been in her 70th year & my brother who keeps my mum insane, looking after her in Edinburgh. We may want aspects of our lives to be different but that which is out of our control is not something to dwell on - I need constant reminding of that, not to worry about what can’t be changed. Choose your battles wisely. Don’t fight what can’t be fought. Give thanks to God regularly, even for what is challenging.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart”

- Proverbs 3 (not just verses 5-6 which seem to be most popular - read the whole chapter)

🥳 Happy new year to you all

Bliadhna Mhath Ùr 🎉

[islandpcosjourney]

IVF/ICSI Day 15

6th October 2023

The end of Cycle 1

Hard to believe that in a fortnight we’ve gone from starting our first cycle of IVF to it being all over. I’ve said to a few people that I was shocked at the rate at which it was going passed but then the last day and a half have been the worst of it. And now it’s all over.

Our embryos didn’t develop. 1 had divided into 4-cells since yesterday’s call but that’s where they should’ve been at on Wednesday. No change to the others. Transfer cancelled, just like that.

Nothing could’ve prepared me for what we were going to go through this cycle (first time, unknown, no expectations) but NOTHING at all prepared me for the possibility that we’d be finishing like this - no transfer & no embryos in the freezer. I knew there was a possibility that if I hyperstimulated (OHSS) that an elective freeze might happen and we’d be a few months later doing a frozen transfer rather than a fresh, but at no point was I mentally prepared for this scenario. Every stage went so smoothly, too smoothly perhaps. I was too happy about it all. I was too confident in the hope that I had in Jesus that all would be well. Now it’s all gone. Now the fear has kicked in, for next time - 2 chances left.

The embryologist said there’s no way of knowing what happened. They’ll meet as a team next week to discuss the way forward. It may mean that they choose a different protocol for next time, although my understanding is that I could only have short protocol treatment because of my AMH levels and ICSI is the final resort used if everything else hasn’t worked - so it’s all a mystery to me what might happen next. Apparently though this failed cycle doesn’t have any bearing on how future ones might work out. Good to know - it’s all a mystery to them too!

God’s mystery in Ephesians teaches us to trust in the mystery, in Him, that he knows what’s best & I do have faith in that. It’s just hard to see exactly what that looks like just now. I just feel numb & lost. I know I’m allowed to feel that way. We are meant to suffer. It makes us stronger, but it would’ve been so much easier to handle this with Kevin by my side.

As it happens, I was out in the car collecting a Screwfix order for our Garden Road house when I got the call, so nobody with me. I haven’t done much today because I keep getting a pinching/stabbing pain from my left ovary. A painful reminder of what I’ve been through with nothing to show for it except bloating & tears.

All I want is to be held by Kevin & it’s the one thing that’s unavailable to me. It’s a test of our relationship that’s for sure. Long distance isn’t easy on anyone but it’s especially harder in times of pain when only your best friend, the one who knows you the best, can give you the physical comfort you need. A cuddle works well for healing. Physically holding someone releases endorphins that you can’t replicate otherwise. There is no substitute for that.

But we can look to God for spiritual healing and I can hold onto that. It can be easy to lose hope, to become lost in the tears, to look for answers in the wrong places or even in the wrong people. There are those who haven’t agreed with our journey but also those who have spent the time reading, praying, messaging & phoning us. For everyone’s effort to comfort and be with us in our time of need, I will be eternally grateful. Honestly, the strength I have had to have in order to do this without my best friend with me in-person at each step of the way has been largely down to you lovely people who are currently reading this. I can never repay you or find an appropriate way to thank you for your kindness and love.

When I got a message with sad news today of the death of a beautiful colleague and friend, there was nothing else to do but put my own circumstances to one side & pray for her spirit, her dear Mum, her Storky and her boys. Cancer is a cruel disease and it robbed her of her life far too soon. Life is so precious. I may never get the opportunity to be an inspirational Mum like she was but I can make a decision (while I am blessed to be on this earth) to be the best Wife to Kevin that I can be, the best daughter to my Mum that I can be, the best sister to Calum that I can be, the best member of the church & community that I can be, the best teacher that I can be, the best friend to my wonderful friends that I can be, the best person to strangers that I can be & the best follower of Jesus that I can be - to one day know that I will join him in Glory & live for eternity.

Hope lives on.

🎶 In Christ alone, my hope is found, He is my light, my strength, my song🎶

Prayer points to consider:

Pray for Màiri & Kevin as they grieve this loss. Only God knows why it failed & pray that He comforts them to know & trust in His plan.

Pray for the staff at Ninewells who worked with them in this first cycle. They were so caring & are bound to be disappointed that their efforts didn’t work. Help them to learn from this cycle.

Pray for Màiri & Kevin’s families as they come to terms with hope turning into failure. Help them to support M & K as they face a 2nd cycle, at some point in the future.

Help Màiri to prepare for her journey home tomorrow. She can’t wait to see her darling poochie Holly again. She can’t replace Kevin but she sure loves the cuddles!

Pray for Kirsteen’s family as they mourn her loss. Remember her school, choir & local communities as they grieve a respected & well-loved member of their community.

[islandpcosjourney]

IVF/ICSI Day 14

5th October 2023

Day 3 update

So it turns out that while I’ve been very positive & upbeat during the past fortnight, it is possible to feeling low & numb when there’s uncertainty.

I think, I hope I’ve said before, that I’ve surprised myself in how well I’ve coped with every twist & turn of this journey so far. I approached each stage with hope, prayer & a smile and even with slight elements of anxiety rearing it’s ugly head now & again, I’d say I’ve been pretty untouched by stress & worry. Today however is a different story & it has definitely hit me like a ton of bricks. The first glimpse of what can go wrong has presented itself & although I don’t want to feel negative about it, the natural instinct is to feel disappointed.

Just as I was attempting to leave for work, so that I could be there by 0900 (a time when I was told I could have a call from) my mobile rang & it was the head embryologist. I hadn’t spoken to him before so I didn’t know what to expect but he certainly wasn’t eluding a cheerful spirit.

Our 4 embryos are not where they should be by this point 🥺 alright they’re a bit slow, like we are in the mornings!

2 embryos have divided but have only reached a 3-cell stage when by this morning they should be at a 5-cell stage. Our documentation showed that Day 3 should be an 8-cell cleavage but perhaps that’s by the end of today? I didn’t ask for clarification but this is our first time going through it & I don’t know what questions to ask. I’m overthinking it!

1 embryo is showing fragmentation. Although I don’t know much about, google says that it can affect implantation so I’m going to assume this one won’t be a viable embryo they’d happily transfer.

Our last embryo hasn’t divided at all. It’s too lazy to get up off the sofa to do anything! So this one is out.

So basically we’re down to 2 possibilities. They have still scheduled me in for a transfer @ 0930 on Saturday morning & usually they’d give an update on the morning of Day 5 but with me needing 1.5-2hrs notice to get to Dundee, he’ll phone me tomorrow instead, which is really very good of them when that’s not protocol.

So despite our 2 slow embryos being behind in their development, there is still a chance for them to correct their course and make it to Day 5. Even if they don’t make it to the blastocyst stage, they can still transfer it if it’s made enough divisions, it might just be a bit riskier.

I have been praying all morning for both God’s ability to perform miracles and for my peace in what is an anxious time. I don’t want to feel anxious, I completely and wholly trust in the Lord’s timing but I can feel my BP rising and that is my bodily reaction taking over rather than what I know & feel in my heart. It’s a horrible feeling.

I “knew” the other morning when I had a strong feeling that one of our embryos was “lost”. That feeling turned out to be correct (the one which isn’t dividing at all) and it does feel sort-of like a loss, our first loss. We’d never reached a stage before where our DNA had amalgamated together and it is the start of life’s creation. It was the beginning of a mini-Morrison which wasn’t to be & I feel that as our loss to bear, yet I can’t explain it.

When he called, there was still 49hrs left before transfer & therefore plenty of time for prayer to boost these little embryos, should it be God’s will. God can be so amazing and can turn things around in the blink of an eye. Only this morning I was reading of a couple who’d had a scan & been told that their baby had fluid on their brain and if they made it through the pregnancy & birth, they wouldn’t live long afterwards. Conditions were talked about where the couple were faced with making decisions about what life-saving measures were to be used & when to agree to remove such measures etc What a traumatic time for them to go through, knowing that if their child made it to a certain point, they were being told they wouldn’t make it any further. When the boy was born, there were no signs of any difficulties and he was perfectly healthy! The doctors had never seen such a miracle and phrases like “divine intervention” & “miracles can happen” were being used. They had been so sure of this little baby’s fate but they were wrong. I know this isn’t the same situation but that was a strong case of faith enduring. The couple hadn’t decided to give up on their baby in the womb, despite the doctors telling them to and I won’t give up on our mini-Morrison embryos. This isn’t the end of the journey for them yet. We still have time, they still have time. Perhaps they’re just truly like their mum & dad in the sense that they’re slow, take a while to get around to things, put things off until the last minute but eventually, with the right intentions, they get the job done! Embryos are human life, so I believe they can have personality too 🥰

Prayer points to consider:

Pray for the embryos that they be given strength to continue in their development over the next 36+hrs.

Pray for the embryologists watching over them, nurturing them as their earliest form of “parents” who will protect their children under any circumstance.

Pray for Màiri & Kevin and their families as they face this uncertain period of time.

Pray for Màiri & Kevin’s friends & colleagues who have been praying & supporting them during today’s news.

Pray for the unit as they prepare for Màiri’s embryo transfer on Saturday & pray that it goes ahead as planned.

Pray that within this journey, that people associated with our story see the delight and pleasure in the Lord, for he so wants us to be happy and joyful in His word, living our life to serve Him.

A beautiful person (whom I have never met but who I have connected with as a fellow Christian going through the same treatment protocol as me, but a week earlier) sent me a message that made me burst into tears this afternoon:

“It is in our weakness God holds us. He is still there with you. Let’s pray for your embryos! May God’s hands be with them and enable them to catch up growing to how they need to be. I visualise Jesus standing in the lab and with his hands stretched out, being with them.”

It took my breath away. Her kindness and true faith shining through in bucket loads. On the way home from work I was listening to a podcast, run by SBS, the Outspoken Bible, and it was the 2nd in a 3-episode series about suffering. Today was about loss. These readings spoke to me:

Psalm 6

Psalm 109:1-5 in particular is relevant

Ephesians 1 was a great source of comfort yesterday during bible study time at work - celebrating joy, fullness, richness & gloriousness of grace, love, blessing, forgiveness, unity, praise, faith, giving thanks, spirit of wisdom, enlightenment, hope, immeasurable greatness & power. And then it was brought up again in Prayer Meeting, in Carloway (phoning in on speakerphone!) tonight. I love it when Bible passages all match up in relation to life, of course it does, it's not coincidence!

I had lost a few songs from a playlist I had made well over a decade ago, on an old computer and I have been struggling to remember each song that I had on that playlist to replicate it. Today's devotional reading was about how God must be worshipped, even when we're not feeling it or when circumstances get in the way. Worship can be a simple act - lighting a candle, a prayer, a reading, listening to a song.......... Ah haaaaaaa! then one of the "lost" songs was suddenly in my head so now it's back in my playlist!

🎶Come, now is the time to worship, Come, now is the time to give your heart, Come, just as you are to worship, Come, just as you are before your God One day every tongue will confess you are God One day every knee will bow Still the greatest treasure remains for those Who gladly choose you now 🎶

Yes, Lord, you're a great and a good God - you're my God, and I bow before you. Do with my life as you will. Amen

- 5th October from 366 Devotions, Here I am, Lord

[islandpcosjourney]

IVF/ICSI Day 12

3rd October 2023

Fertilisation……… to Blastocyst

So, yesterday was classed as Day 0: Egg recovery or Oocyte recovery as its officially called. 11 eggs were collected but I was advised that it didn't mean that all were mature enough - they'd only be able to tell that during analysis in the afternoon, once I had already left. Only mature eggs can be inseminated and ours were being done via ICSI (Intracytoplasmic sperm injection) with Kevin's frozen sperm - a technique used when semen analysis has been reported as moderate/severe male factor. This happens for around half of couples who are having trouble conceiving and is the most common and successful treatment for male infertility. Treatment before this point is the same whether for IVF or ICSI. The only difference is that instead of mixing the sperm with the eggs and leaving them to fertilise, a skilled embryologist will inject a single sperm into the egg. This maximises the chance of fertilisation taking place as it bypasses any potential problems the sperm will have in getting inside the egg.

So, Kevin's sperm was thawed while I was having my eggs collected & our mature eggs which were available to inject was done yesterday afternoon while I was travelling back from Dundee. We were told that the average fertilisation rate is 65-70% but I had no idea how many were mature at this point. In some cases failed (0%) or low (<30%) fertilisation may occur. If we had one or two eggs fertilised, a Day 3 embryo transfer would be advised. If we had 3 or more, a Day 5 embryo transfer would be recommended.

Day 1: Fertilisation - (Tuesday) This morning I got the call we had been waiting for to tell me that 7 were mature enough to be inseminated and 4 of the eggs had successfully fertilised - Hallelujah! God has richly blessed us 🙏🏻 That means we had a 57% fertilisation rate which is not bad at all, so the plan to do a fresh transfer on Saturday is still looking hopeful. Unless something major happens, such as they are slow in developing or we lose several, I won't be contacted again until Thursday on Day 3.

Day 2: Cleavage - (Wednesday) Embryos should cleave to form four cells. I shouldn't receive a phone call today if all is well.

Day 3: Cleavage - (Thursday) Embryos should cleave to form eight cells. I'll get a phone call between 0900 and 1600 to update me on the embryo development and to confirm a time and instructions for embryo transfer on Day 5.

Day 4: Morulation - (Friday) Embryos should compact to form a morula. I won't be called today.

Day 5: Embryo transfer - (Saturday) Embryos should form a blastocyst on Day 5. An average of 30-40% of fertilised eggs form a good quality blastocyst and around 85% of patients have at least one good quality blastocyst. If we have good quality blastocysts, unit policy is to transfer a single blastocyst. Any remaining good quality blastocysts are frozen for future use (98% survival rate). Sub-optimal quality embryo(s) can be transferred but with reduced chance of success. In a small number of cases, there can be poor development of embryos. In this scenario, they advise not transferring these as there is a 0% chance of conceiving.

Day 6: Possible freezing - Any remaining embryos are checked to see if they are suitable to be frozen. I would expect to get a call between 0900 - 1600 to confirm numbers frozen (if applicable).

So, in the days ahead, all we can do is wait patiently and pray. No expectation of a call until Thursday so it means that I can go about my day normally tomorrow. I'll be having a lovely day in at the SBS office again - we're studying Ephesians tomorrow, isn't that a lovely start to a working day? Sharing work updates, praying & bible study, all staff together - beautiful.

I have felt so up & down today. One moment I feel very energetic then the next I'm exhausted and needing to nap - very difficult to know how I'll be feeling from hour to hour so I've been totally relaxed, drinking lots of spearmint tea, taking painkillers, listening to podcasts, writing, reading & eating leftover pizza 😁 I had a counselling session at 2pm but unfortunately it was right in the middle of a moment of exhaustion and I looked and sounded awful - not how Anne usually sees me! (except yesterday when she popped by after I'd woken up in the ward - must've looked tired then!). She kept talking about the uncertainty of this week as we wait to hear about our embryo development but to be honest, I feel very at ease with it all.

I can't explain a logical reason why, only a divine one, but the number 7 has been very present within me over the last week. It was preached about at prayer meeting on Wednesday night (Genesis 1) & in church sermons at the weekend, it's been on my mind that my Dad's Ruby Wedding speech was about the connection our family had with the number 7 (I need to look it out again - although it makes me well up when I read it) and so yesterday before egg collection, I had a strong feeling that we'd get 7 eggs so I was very surprised with the number 11 (however, it's also my house number in Stornoway 😉) but then this morning to hear that only 7 of those 11 were mature...... there it was again & we'll be having a transfer on the 7th of October - I love numbers and connections, can you tell?! So, no, I'm not worried about this week. It is in God's hands. He kept sending me the signs of 7, signs that comforted me and showed me to continue trusting in Him. I'm also attending a house group meeting tomorrow night where it's the host's son's birthday and he is turning 7 🤩 Nobody can say it's not all connected 🤷🏻‍♀️ God knits everything together so neatly and deliberately - it's so exciting! Remember what I said about not expecting anything and going on this adventure where we don't where we're being led?! Definitely exciting!

But, going back to my physical self. My body-clock is all out of whack because I was not able to sleep after midnight last night. Basically my blog writing kept me awake - nah, I'm joking but I couldn't switch off properly until 0530 when I did manage a few hours sleep before I wanted to be up in time for any calls coming in at 0830 - and I was glad I was because they phoned me at 0840! I was wide awake again this morning so I couldn't even go back to sleep after they phoned but that was me flagging when I was in my session with Anne. I needed a nap after that as I was heading to the opticians at 1730. I still wasn't quite with-it when I was there but I feel fine now - chose some nice new specs, in my favourite colour, of course.

I plan to spend the next few days being really kind to myself, taking it easy as I still recover from all the poking and prodding. I was told to expect to feel like I'm on a full-on period until at least Thursday. I don't feel so bad now but perhaps the painkillers are just doing their job 🤷🏻‍♀️

Prayer points to consider:

Thank God for each and every one of you who is praying for us, who is part of our journey and living our story alongside us.

Pray for those who are facing uncertainty this week, that they find comfort in Faith, Hope & Love.

Pray for Kevin and I in our marriage, that the hope of our 4 wee embryos, the first sign we've ever had of our DNA being woven together is an encouraging and exciting sign of our continuing & developing loving relationship.

Pray for each embryo that they may grow strong in their development - cleave to form 4 cells, then cleave to form 8 cells and then compact together to form a morula before they form a good quality blastocyst.

Pray for the embryologists as they watch over the embryos throughout the days ahead, that they may marvel at God's creation and His love for the world.

Pray for the staff at Ninewells ACU ward as they prepare for all of their procedures, but especially for embryo transfers each day & leading up to our own special day on Saturday.

Pray for continued windows of opportunity for Kevin & Mairi to have successful connections with technology as & when important decisions may have to be made.

My phone has been pinging & ringing constantly and I thank all of you who have been in contact. It really means a lot to me that you're keeping in touch & taking an interest in reading my rather long & possibly tedious posts. This process can be challenging at times and we really appreciate that we both have so much support from such loving people. It really shows us just who we can count on to be there when we need them and it brings joy to our marriage that we are surrounded by people who care.

"But when anything is exposed by the light, it becomes visible, for anything that becomes visible is light. Therefore it says, “Awake, O sleeper,       and arise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you.” Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is." - Ephesians 5: 13-17

My new glasses that I ordered today (should have smiled 😎)

[islandpcosjourney]

IVF/ICSI Day 11

2nd October 2023

🥚 Egg collection 🥚

Tonight will be a short one, I'm hoping, as I feel quite spaced out and pretty rubbish if I'm honest.

I have felt so much Grace surrounding today's events and I am told that I was constantly thanking and being grateful to the staff at the unit for it - more of that for a giggle later!

After a disturbed sleep overnight (just clock-watching from around 2am) and some unwelcome, subconscious anxiety surrounding the day's unknowns, I was very grumpy when Mum came into my room at 5.20am asking if I was awake and getting up, when my alarm wasn't meant to be going off until 5.45am 😂 She hadn't realised, or I should say she'd temporarily forgotten, that I wasn't to wear make-up, jewellery or perfume (strong scents can cause harm to the eggs when they're exposed during collection - who knew!) so therefore I wasn't needing my usual "time to get ready". I had packed my essentials already (dressing gown, crocs, needles/sharps box to return, choc brioche treat for after etc) so all I needed to do was get up, get dressed, have a final cup of tea & go - not the usual Màiri routine in the morning I can tell you 🤪 But when I got up, I was apologetic of my outburst and she seemed in very good form considering she'd also been awake most of the night (unfortunately a side-effect from her fibromyalgia so she's permanently exhausted 🥴).

We were very grateful to Calum for also getting up early to drive us up to Dundee because I needed to be there for 8.15am so we had to leave by 6.30am to be safe. We arrived in plenty time and found a new car-park (number 7) where the drop-off area is.

We were in the unit by 8am and clearly before most of the reception staff were around because nobody was able to check us in 😉 Those who know me, I'm never early 😏 but once nursing staff came to call our names out we figured out we were being taken through in order of the surgery schedule, so I was 3rd on the list.

Basics were done such as checking my name, DOB, history, BP, temp, weight (only 0.5kg gained since baseline scan, which is not bad considering how full & bloated I have felt on the hormones - yay!). I didn't have to change into the very fetching gown until nearer the time so I could just sit on the bed/chair and relax in my jumpsuit until I was told to change - very considerate. The nurse seemed very shocked when she asked what and when had I last eaten, that my response was "just a tiny bit of bread at communion last night" as I had attended the evening service at St C's, which was also communion - "aren't you starving?"...... "no, not at all, it was sufficient" 🥰 I'd had my last cup of spearmint tea on the journey up by 6.50am and I was then only allowed sips of water after 7am so she'd get me some water along-with paracetamol and an anti-sickness tablet. I then had to wait on the consultant, embryologist and anaesthetist to see me to sign for consent, discuss procedures and drugs etc. At every point, everyone was so smiley and caring and inclusive of Mum too, making her feel part of the process. I sometimes felt a bit rude being on my phone messaging Kevin but that feeling was always short-lived as he needed to feel part of the process too and being in constant communication was so important for that - plus if I hadn't messaged at the point when I was told things, I wouldn't have remembered later 🤦🏻‍♀️

Having the cannula fitted in my right hand was the usual EXCRUTIATING pain. I know, I sound like a drama queen here but honestly, of all the procedures I've had done over the years, including a 20cm x 8cm lipoma being surgically removed, cannulas are my BIG problem. It's not just when its fitted but it stings and burns constantly afterwards too. Mum was a bit put-off by seeing my feet & legs wiggling, thinking I was cold, but it was just how I dealt with the pain, honestly its the worst part of any hospital admission for me. But as Mum said, if that's the worst part then I never have to worry!

There were more documents to read, processes to learn about, forms to sign & drugs to hear about that it was all a bit over my head sometimes, and Mum's, but I felt so comfortable, supported and cared-for that I had nothing but pure joy running through my veins. Mum and I talked about passages of the Bible (the curtains were shut but conversations were not shut-out, so who knows who was able to hear) & what Dad might've made of all of this (supportive we're sure & no doubt patiently waiting in the car while having a wee norrag (sleep) - definitely 😂). I loved how fascinated Mum was by all of the processes, a very different nursing day from her's since her training over 50yrs ago and she was on the ball - “they haven't brought your paracetamol yet, or your water, or your anti-sickness tablet” 🤪 Once she heard of all the drugs they'd be giving me (an endless list I could not begin to regurgitate, not language I was used to and even Mum who could understand the basics of why each drug was being administered at which point, didn't recognise the names of them as they've changed so much) she was concerned that I was going to be too "out-of-it" to manage public transport on the way home but I assured her that we'd be fine - I knew God wouldn't throw anything my way that I couldn't manage!

Time to go! 1115 came faster than I anticipated, no boredom happened at any point, I mean who could be bored with Mum by their side chatting constantly 😁 and then to be honest I don't remember much after this! I'd been asked earlier to think about what music I'd like to hear in surgery (I hadn't known this was even going to be a thing) and my first reaction was to say ANYTHING. I told them I was a musician and would be happy with any genre (well, that's not entirely true, I cannot stand Kevin's heavy metal music 😵) but not for one second did I think that's what they'd choose to play 😂 - they didn't btw! No, by the time I got into the room I knew what I wanted - Stuart Townend. I wanted God with me in the room, publicly and openly. They didn't bat an eyelid but O don't think the anaesthetist had heard of him as she repeated "Stuart Townsend?" a common error people make about his surname but hopefully one she'll now remember 😏 I told them all that if my favourite Psalm 23 or In Christ alone were to come on, to turn up the volume and they laughed 🤩

"Keep you here" started playing and honestly what happened after that is all a blur.

🎶 For time is given, And time is taken away; The least that we can do Is make the most of every day. And we are given And we are taken away; The best that we can do Is give ourselves away 🎶

(I'm getting a bit weepy writing these lyrics down if I'm honest, for I believe every word and they were so comforting to hear as they put the breathing mask on me and began doing everything around me - that's now another favourite track of mine 🤩)

I wasn't being put to sleep, no, it was conscious sedation so I should've been aware of my surroundings to a certain extent. I do remember chatting away under my mask but I couldn't for the life of me tell you what about 😂 However, afterwards when I was awake again back in the ward, the nurses were having a giggle with us about just how chatty I was and how I kept thanking them all for their skills, their care, the gratefulness I had for all of their help - nice to know I have good manners even in my "sleep" 😇 Somethings coming back to me now, I definitely remember being asked how I felt at some point and responding with "I feel grand, the Lord is with me" - can't say when or who I was speaking to but I definitely remember saying it 🙏🏻

Back on the ward, I was aware of Mum telling me to rest but I was insistent on messaging Kev, reaching for my phone - "I'm ok out darling, I love you" - yeah, I was clearly still groggy and wasn't aware just how much 😂 for I love my grammar and write proper sentences, most of the time! The ACU counsellor came to see me, that was nice of her, I should've been seeing her at 1130 today, an appointment made weeks ago before we obviously knew I'd be in for egg collection and it was nice to meet her in person having only ever seen her online before. I'll see her tomorrow instead, online, once I've properly recovered. Mum had asked me in the waiting room if I'd gotten much out of seeing the counsellor and tbh I hadn't really, it was mostly helpful in the earlier months when we had MAJOR issues with lack of communication, mix ups with info being communicated and working out processes to put our minds at rest. In terms of "during" this actual cycle, I haven't seen her at all and I haven't needed it either for God is guiding me through this, nothing she could say will help that or even enforce that so it hasn't been required. People have talked about "IVF fairies" and the importance in speaking with others going through the same process and aside from having the Fertility Network WhatsApp group popping up in the background and some messages of support from ladies in that group, I haven't really needed to have anyone else to talk to to help me through this. I have Jesus - that’s all anyone should need. I write this blog which is very cathartic, my husband is my best friend & confidante, we’re in this together and our very supportive friends & family are backing us but it’s not what “gets me through”. It's only when your life is all about "WHY?" that one needs to lean on another for their "wisdom" in having gone through a similar process. Once you know the WHY in life - Jesus - you stop needing to look for the answers and instead they are given to you, gracefully.

(Gosh, I thought I'd said I hoped this would be a short one tonight 🤦🏻‍♀️)

Right, onwards! After tea, toast (always THE best tasting toast after surgery, with real butter, none of this "one molecule away from being plastic" margarine nonsense 🤪) and being able to go to the toilet, I could get dressed, learn about the progesterone gel I need to use for the next 20 days and I was ready to go home - yay!

Quick, straight into a taxi, off to the station, Kevin had worked out which trains were best to get, tickets bought, short wait and onto the train we were. Just over an hour later we were back in Edinburgh, Calum had realised he'd be finishing at a school nearby Haymarket around the same time we'd be arriving so he was able to pick us up and off on the last leg we went - Edinburgh road bumps and all 😫 this was where I was most aware of the pain I had while sitting down - ouchie. I was told I'd be tender, almost like a very heavy period for a number of days but this was the first time I'd ever thought that sitting on a doughnut pillow would have been helpful!

I had decided that I was treating myself to a Dominoes pizza tonight so we ordered that on the way home and picked it up on route so we could eat before I needed to rest and before Calum was teaching. It was so tasty! But, shortly after I felt really unwell. I wasn't sure if it was the pizza, the overwhelming feeling of food in my stomach after so long being on juice and being careful what I ate throughout this process but I also felt intense pain in my abdomen and needed quick relief so I had a bath. I was then feeling very sick and was worried that I'd overdone it with the pizza, however, only cloudy, peachy-coloured mucas or bile-like liquid (although that was always green when it happened to me as a child on my period) came out, not a single slice made its way back up my gullet - strange. I did feel some relief afterwards though and Mum did point out how much drugs and poking and prodding I'd gone through so straight to bed with a hot-water bottle it was for me!

I tried a short video call with Kevin around 6pm but it didn't last long for I was clearly falling asleep, was in pain and couldn't sustain the conversation. Mum's been great coming in every so often to check on me, bringing me tea, iced water, painkillers & topping up the hot-water bottle - each 2hr period went by in a flash. Now its after midnight, I'm wide awake and I perhaps need to try to get back to sleep to maintain my body clock’s routine.

In the morning I'll be waiting for a call between 0830-1200 to tell us if any of the 11 eggs (oh yes, I forgot to say, they managed to collect 11 eggs! 🥰) have fertilised overnight. The procedure went according to plan and there were many large follicles alongside some smaller ones, which all produced eggs! Of course I'm delighted as the bigger the number, the more of a chance of fertilisation occurring (about 60-70%) but they have warned that perhaps not all of them will be mature enough and they just won't know that until they go to inject them individually which they were doing this afternoon. I kept saying to each nurse who came to speak to me "It only takes 1" which is true but a very human-minded angle to take. Of course what I mean is that God only needs 1 to create our wee miracle - if it is His intention. 11 eggs have been collected, around half may fertilise, half of those may make it to blastocyst stage, 1 or 2 might make it to a transfer. Or none. There is no way of telling - but God knows.

Whatever happens tomorrow (today now really!) or in the coming days before a potential transfer on Saturday, I know that I've done all that I can, within my power to follow the rules, do as I'm told for this process, but only God has the final say over whether any part of this process is a success or not. So far, he has graced me with his abundant love and graced us with the opportunity to have these final chances at having a family that we so dearly desire. God hears our prayers, our deepest desires, no bargaining is required & certainly no "if I do this, he'll do this" nonsense. If it is His will, He will make it happen. He created medical advances, He created the staff who carry out the medical procedures, He provided the funding for the government to give Scots 3 chances at IVF, He decided that this path was for us and although I questioned it several times, Kevin believed, like the innocence that a child has when they look to their parent for answers.

"Likewise, you who are younger, be subject to the elders. Clothe yourselves, all of you, with humility toward one another, for "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble." Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at a proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you." - 1 Peter 5:5-7

Prayer points to consider:

Thank God for the wonders that he has created in our scientific/medical/engineering world.

Thank God for keeping Màiri and Kevin safe & healthy during this challenging process.

Pray for the staff at Ninewells that they may come to rest their weariness, to look to the Lord for strength.

Pray for the eggs taken from Màiri's body today, that they be kept safe overnight and over the following days as they hopefully bond together with Kevin's DNA and develop into healthy embryos.

Pray for the embryologists, that they may see God's wonder of His creation when they look through their microscope. Only he could engineer such amazing cells which one day could grow into a child who walks on this earth.

Pray for Màiri as she recovers and rests in the hope that each day brings encouraging news.

Pray for Kevin who is experiencing this from afar, that he feels close to the process and give him strength in his relationship with his mighty nemesis - patience!

Pray for the 2 other ladies who also went through egg collections today, that their journey may be blessed and anxieties eased.

Pray for other couples, at different stages of their journeys in the unit - embryo transfers and scans/tests that were happening today too.

I pray too for all of you wonderful, supportive people who are reading this, thinking of us, praying for us and hoping with us. WE THANK YOU ALL FROM THE BOTTOM OF OUR HEARTS 💝

Waiting for the train home

"And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen and establish you" - 1 Peter 5:10

[islandpcosjourney]

IVF/ICSI Day 8

29th sept 2023

STIMS action scan

“I sought the Lord, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears” - Psalms 34:4

7 Days ago I had just written about carrying out my first injection as part of the STIMS stage of our IVF cycle. I asked for prayers to help me build my confidence and they were answered. I did not live in fear of those injections each day and I carried them out without hesitation 🙏🏻

After the 2nd one, I sat in church for our Saturday service during communion weekend feeling a little tender from that particular stabbing but I knew I wanted to be there and that desire placed a cloak over the pain I felt. I was comforted by the fellowship of my lovely congregation afterwards who are so supportive of our journey and we are so grateful for their prayers, hugs & messages of encouragement. I didn't sleep very well that night because I felt nauseous and what really struck Kevin in the morning was that I was not up for the fry-up I'd been looking forward to for weeks 😂 I eventually managed an Iron-Bru sausage (culinary ingenuity of one of our local butcher's) and ½ a slice of black pudding but I still felt queasy. A lady in my IVF WhatsApp group told me she also felt the same on the morning of day 3 and that it passed so I was glad to hear that I wouldn't necessarily feel this way for the remainder of the week!

By Monday, Kevin was packing up to leave for 5wks and my hormones were all over the place! I was moody, I was in tears, I was laughing, I was numb - at least Kevin got to witness some of it before he left 🤪 small matters were getting to me, noises grated on me, I felt overstimulated at every turn and I found myself appreciating what some people with autism have to handle everyday when they are sensory, emotionally, intellectually & socially overstimulated. It wasn't much fun. I had my mum on speed-dial, my dog to cuddle & 4wks of packing to do which kept me grounded!

By Tuesday, I was on the ferry and facing my first morning injection - a pre-filled needle this time. I was warned that it might sting and cause some irritation - the nurse was right 😂 so I just lay down and slept through it, it was going to be a rough crossing anyway with the bad weather - but I missed it all! By the time I reached Edinburgh I was exhausted and had a headache so I had a nap to reset.

Wednesday & Thursday I was in work at the Scottish Bible Society office, meeting colleagues I hadn't yet met, enjoying bible study with them - it is so wonderful, inspiring & refreshing to work in an environment where each member of staff also walks with the Lord! 🙏🏻 Being a remote member of the team can be challenging at times so it's really important to connect with colleagues in person every so often to maintain strong relationships and I am so blessed to have had these couple of days this week to do that and hopefully a couple more next week too.

It is a relaxing work environment and even though I felt abdominally uncomfortable (like I was on Day 1 of my period all day every day, cramping & sore legs from pinching nerves) I really wanted to be there and a great working environment can make all the difference to someone's experience going through any sort of treatment alongside everyday life. It served me not only spiritually to be there but also as a great distraction to keep focused on what was important - not overthinking things (as I'm in bad habits of doing) and allowing God's work to be carried out as He means it to be. It can be so easy to fall into traps, to be lured into the world of IVF, talking with non-believers about their experiences, comparing notes, hearing their anxieties (and mirroring their burdens) and getting sucked into their negative trains of thought where they try to find scientific/secular meaning in every little thing that is happening and ultimately getting no answers.

Everyone has their own way of dealing with pressures and I am not trying to judge but I am so comforted in the process of "Let go and let God" - acknowledging God to direct our paths, letting go of lingering doubts, and submitting our lives to God alone. When God is in control of our lives, our lives become whole.

I have trusted in him to guide me over the years. This is where he led us. I don't know why, I don't know what's to come but I simply trust in Him. Where I was once in fear of the unknown, I now embrace it because it may lead somewhere exciting! Kevin messaged me after my latest appointment:

"I know you don't agree but it's all very exciting. I love the engineering in this. Even if it fails (which it most likely will) it's still exciting 🥰"

He's right, I haven't felt excited, I’ve been the realist, because ultimately excitement leads to disappointment, like you're expecting something & when it doesn’t happen, it feels much worse.... or that's what I thought. I think I am excited now (I felt a lot of joy after today’s appointment) but not because I expect something but rather because I don't. I'm not sure if I'm making sense but stick with me a second...... As I can't expect anything, because I am not in control, only God is, the possibilities are endless, which means that the unknown is an exciting adventure. To know what the end result will be is like a spoiler for a good book or film, it's no fun knowing what happens at the end without going through the middle section of the story first, with all the branches of the plot being intricately knit together. We are just in the middle of it and boy is it now getting exciting not knowing where each stage will lead us!

Speaking of which, the next stage! So I have had my action scan, which was to check on the progress of my follicles. An internal ultrasound was used to check that the lining of my uterus was thick enough & to look at both my ovaries to measure the size of each follicle. My right ovary has produced more follicles than the left, which I suppose makes sense because we naturally ovulate from alternating ovaries each month - September is clearly the turn of my right side 🤩

In order to proceed on to the next stage of egg collection, they were looking for 3 follicles to be 17mm. I have 3 @ 17, 18 & 19mm, 3 @ 10, 11 & 12mm and loads of wee ones (measuring smaller than 10). So, they’re hoping to find eggs in the 3 largest follicles, hoping the next 3 will grow a wee bit more so they’re mature enough to harvest eggs from those too but they won't expect the small ones to become mature enough - but 6 is a good number, we don’t want too many, we want quality egg production 🤪

The most important point is that I won’t be subjected to any more days of hormone injections than is absolutely necessary - I’ve only had to do the minimum amount, 8 days, when really I was expecting 10-12. Saturday will be my final day on hormones, with my last injection (Ovitrelle) being @ 2315, 36hrs before scheduled egg collection - this is to mature the follicles so that they can be drained on Monday, hopefully to locate an egg in each one (a growing follicle does not mean there’s an egg present within it).

God is so good to have watched over me and protected me thus far to allow each stage of this process to work as effectively as it has.

Once eggs have been collected, on Monday afternoon they will be (using the ICSI process) individually injected with Kevin’s thawed sperm and we will know by Tuesday morning if any fertilisation has taken place.

Prayer points to consider:

Pray for the cycle to continue as smoothly as possible.

Pray for Màiri as she prepares to go under conscious sedation on Monday.

Pray for Calum, Màiri’s brother, who will be driving Màiri & Christine up to Dundee on Monday (an early start leaving before 6.30am)

Pray for Christine, that her fibromyalgia will not flare up and that she will feel well enough to support Màiri.

Pray for a resolution to their travel plan options on how to return from Dundee to Edinburgh afterwards.

Pray for Kevin who cannot be with Màiri during this process and is supporting remotely from his ship in the North Sea. So far levels of communication have been satisfactory but a stable internet connection is not always possible.

Pray for them both in their relationship, to uphold each other in the strength of their marriage.

Pray for the quality of the eggs to be collected, that they will be blessed with God’s Grace.

Pray for the ICSI process, that the egg/sperm will not be compromised.

Pray for the staff in the unit - the embryologists, nurses & consultants.

Pray for those who are also going through infertility or have gone through it, no matter how long ago, for the pain leaves scars on your heart similar to grief.

On the wall of the waiting room in the ACU unit, Ninewells.

"Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us" - Romans 5:1-5

[islandpcosjourney]

IVF/ICSI Day 1

22nd Sept 2023

Baseline scan & start of STIMS injections

We thought this day may never come. Or at least it felt like that every time we got word of a new delay. Still, once we knew we would be starting in September it was then a case of completing the online consents, waiting until my period arrived, phoning up the nursing station at the ACU in Ninewells that day to arrange my baseline scan for 2 days later, arranging travel with the local health board for the following day, packing up to go to my Mum's for the entire cycle (including the Royal National Mòd week straight after) and attending our first appointment in Dundee. I’m on SHORT PROTOCOL and it follows the natural progression of a monthly cycle, hence why I’m only away for an intensive few weeks vs a few months of back & forth appointments. Essentially this whole week has been a waiting game, knowing it was due to arrive but not being able to plan exactly when we'd be leaving the island.

As it turns out, we could make a "plan" for all eventualities in advance but at the last minute, when the plans were ready to execute, it all fell apart, or rather it all fell into place, in exactly the way God had planned it all along, we just weren't part of that particular planning process. Of course when my period arrived and I booked my baseline scan appointment, only then did we find out that all ferries were booked up for the following day, even via Tarbert and that we couldn't risk the freight because of the weather. So, quick turn-around of thinking involved a short prayer asking the Lord what we should do - the answer: fly down the day before and back again the day after, use Mum's car in-between - sorted! Then once Kevin leaves on Monday for work (5wks at sea) I'll pack up and take the car down to Mum's on Tuesday.

So, today's appointment went well. Having never been through an IVF cycle before, of course it was all new to us and we weren't sure what to expect, apart from the usual checks - formal ID, consent forms, BMI under 30, blood pressure, Blood Borne Viruses blood tests and internal scan to check that the lining of my uterus was thin enough and that I had no large cysts on my ovaries causing problems which would need addressing before being able to start. All were fine, except that the nurse really struggled to get any blood from me. One arm with a good vein attempted first, nope, nothing coming out, even after a wee poke & prod - gave up. Other arm, big vein too, but also nothing coming out, poking & prodding - quick prayer as I closed my eyes "God, please help the blood to flow out" - a wee while later, a small trickle started and she was able to fill 3/4 of the vial - thank goodness!

All that was left to do was to explain the medications and teach me how to self-inject - my biggest fear! I was so fortunate to have 2 friends recently give me good advice - to relax and do it on an out-breath and to do it quickly without hesitation - this gave me some level of confidence before hearing the nurse's advice but I still had some trepidation about actually being able to do it to myself (Kevin’s been looking forward to “stabbing” me 🤪) There seemed like there would be so much info to process but she actually explained it very well, wrote everything down and she made sure I had practiced putting the pen together, loading the cartridge and injecting a dummy piece of flab in the position underneath my belly button, a site where she highly suggested I use.

We were only there for 55mins - they're really very efficient in the unit and clearly know what they're doing and do it often enough that every question is covered before you even need to ask it for yourself. We left confident and not overwhelmed like last time at all - big smiles!

Tonight I had to inject myself for the first time, the beginning of the STIMS stage (ovarian stimulation) - at least 8 days of evening injections (to grow my follicles) and in 4 days time I'll be adding in a morning injection too (to suppress my ovaries so I don't ovulate before they trigger me to). I didn't feel overwhelmed by the process, I had Kevin by my side encouraging me and actually, it was a lot easier than I thought it would be and it really boosted my confidence that it didn't hurt and that I was able to look at the needle entering my skin and it didn't bother me!

None of the peace I feel in this process so far would be possible if it weren't for my faith in Jesus. I feel this veil of support over me, comforting me, calming me in challenging circumstances. We are very grateful to our minister who has put together a Prayer plan for us - bible readings and written prayers for us both to read/say at each major stage of this process - something I am so glad we requested as Kevin will be spending the remainder of this cycle at sea, unable to be with me but he can read the same passages as me and use the same words in Prayer to feel connected in a different way.

We are very grateful to all who have already been praying and will be continuing to pray for us. We feel the support of loved ones around us and that is really comforting. We are not going through this alone and that is so important that we include you all in our journey, for it takes a whole community to bring up a child and in this case, it involves a whole new community to make one too 🥰

Prayer points to consider:

Pray that the injections continue to be successful and that I build on today’s confidence.

Pray that I have limited side-effects from the medications.

Pray for Kevin as he prepares to leave for 5wks, the full duration of this cycle.

Pray also that we feel able to support each other effectively, at a distance.

Pray for the staff in Ninewells who are looking after us.

Pray for our journeys to/from the Island and Edinburgh/Dundee.

Pray for my Mum Christine as she prepares to support me in Kevin's absence.

Pray for the next stage of the process - the action scan on the 29th Sept, where my follicles will be measured. They are looking for 2 or 3 follicles to reach 17/18mm before moving onto the next stage. If they are not, then I continue on STIMS and return for another scan a couple of days later.

Throughout all of this, we are simply taking it one day/step at a time & we are so blessed to have reached this first stage to now progress forward.

Thank you so much for your continued support.

Love to you all xxx

[islandpcosjourney]

Faith, Hope, Love

16th August 2023

I bought this new leather-bound refillable notebook for my new job when I started working with the Scottish Bible Society in June. Never did I think how much I would look at the three simple words on its cover and for it to be a daily reminder of God’s grace – the need to be reminded of his ultimate control over our world.

Faith – I have plenty of that. 

Hope – I can find plenty of that too.

Love – I definitely have plenty of that, receiving it and giving it.

We have finally navigated through all of the bureaucracy associated with the pre-IVF process, where you haven’t quite started but you technically have and still don’t know what’s ahead of you. 

I have written previously about my ups and downs relating to this process. I may have even mentioned my religion in relation to my anxiety about even starting this process. Well, we are well passed that stage now. We were referred, we waited, we have been tested and further tested, waited, and waited some more and now we have consented and have been given our start month – September. Now, all that means is that with the start of my September period, I go in for a scan on Day 3 to see if my body will allow them to start intervening on my behalf. In other words, checking to see that I don’t have any unwanted cysts lying around anywhere, that my endometrial layer is thick enough and that I am healthy enough to start pumping myself full of chemicals to get my ovaries working in full-blown Hulk mode 💚 It also means we will then be signing a child welfare form which is basically a contract between us and the HFEA to check/agree that we will be suitable parents. Kevin will have to be formally identified as "himself", in person, so that they can go ahead to use his fresh or frozen swimmers to be combined with whatever eggs they harvest out of me weeks later. I will also be taught how to self-inject subcutaneously for up to 10-12 days – oh the joys! I certainly can’t wait for that fun! They will also test me for blood-borne viruses.

So, what I meant by all of that was, we’ve been given a start month but that still doesn’t guarantee anything. It’s a bit like when Kevin is due home on crew change day. It is never certain that he will definitely be making his way home that day, until he’s physically off the ship and on dry land. Until that moment, absolutely anything can happen, and it has in the past. So, until that Day 3 appointment when all papers are signed and my body is given the all-clear to start being manipulated, your guess is as good as mine as to what the preceding month will look like 😉 However, I do now have a clearer picture of what it POTENTIALLY might look like. I am on a short (antagonist) protocol as I have a 5% risk of developing OHSS.

Day 1 – First day of period

Day 3 – Baseline scan & Ovaleap injections start (Follicle Stimulating Hormone)

Day 8 – Ganirelex injections start (ovarian down regulation)

Day 10 – Follicle scan to determine size of follicles – looking to find 3 follicles or more that are 17mm in size. If not, I continue hormone injection protocol and have a repeat scan in another 2 days’ time. Repeat scan every 2 days until follicles have grown enough.

From here on in, everything is dependent on how I am responding to the hormones to determine the next steps. Basically you can only go from one appointment to the next.

So, essentially from Day 10, you take each day as it comes.

Once I take the trigger injection (for eggs to reach final level of maturity), egg retrieval happens 36hrs later. So this could be as early as Day 12 or Day 14, basically around the usual time you’d expect to ovulate. So my plan is to be down at my Mum’s in Edinburgh from Day 10 of my cycle onwards as its from then when I’m either going to be back & forth to Dundee for scans every couple of days or preparing for egg collection straight away, depending on how I respond to the hormones. It’s worth noting here that the number of follicles growing does not equal the number of eggs collected. Sometimes there are no eggs within the follicles, sometimes there are several. IT IS SO MUCH TO TAKE IN! Pardon me if I repeat myself several times but I’m using this writing opportunity to process all that I have been told over the phone, over video consults and written down in letters, gathering together all the info to make it clear and concise for me to understand – you’d be surprised how unclear the whole process actually is! You have to figure out their wording for everything. I’ve been so “caught out” by expressions in the past. Like reading “Day 5 of Gonadotrophin injections” and working out that that means Day 8 of your cycle (because you start the injections on Day 3) and that having scans on Day 8 and Day 10 of your Ovarian stimulation (stims) means Day 10 and Day 12 of your cycle – one can see how it can all be confusing and that the way they measure everything is a new language to us. I perhaps need to get on board with their way of measuring, and I’m sure I will, but for now, my way to understand it is to compare it to my usual way of measuring my cycle, from Day 1 of my first bleed, as I’m used to.

It’s nothing I’m going to worry about though. I have been doing that and have had some very dark days about it all (ones where, if anyone had been around, they’d have been quite literally picking me up off the floor to hold me in the messy state I was in). Those days are, for the moment, being kept in check. We’ve been given a treatment diary where every important date will be filled in as we go along but knowing ahead of time that there’s a high probability of back & forth every couple of days from Day 10 onwards goes a long way to help us plan that I need to leave the island around Day 9 and expect not to be returning for a fortnight at least.

Initially, after my AMH test found I had a high egg reserve, I was told in an early document to expect a frozen transfer, that a fresh transfer would be unlikely as my body would be overloaded and needing a rest, so in my head I was only considering the time required to get from the baseline scan to egg collection. Beyond that would’ve been a couple months later when my body was then ready for an embryo transfer. However, I now know from my consultant that there’s only a 5% risk of OHSS and therefore I need to be preparing for a FRESH embryo transfer as standard, so that means that I need to account for another 5-day waiting window after the egg collection day to expect to be back in for a fresh transfer under sedation, possibly as soon as Day 17 onwards and then allow a number of days rest afterwards. But, if my ovaries become swollen to 8-9cm or blood estroegan is high or I’m symptomatic or collection retrieves more then 25 eggs – all eggs will be frozen. So, in theory the whole process could be as short as 3wks or up to 4wks long and this is the window that I am working to when I am working out whether or not it is advisable to go ahead to start in September, in the month leading up to the biggest week of the Gaelic calendar – the Royal National Mòd 😂

We started trying when we were 29 & I’m now about to turn 36. Time is not on our side, only God is in control of that, but time is not to be wasted as we only have 4 years left before our NHS funding and our own personal clock runs out – once we turn 40, we’ve agreed to let it all go and live our life in the fate that God has given us. Until then, we’re prepared to fight with all the energy we are blessed with.

We’re of course focusing on doing everything we can to help, but more importantly we’re focusing on our relationship & being us in a broken world where we are forced down this rabbit hole in search of the family we so desperately want. I lost myself in the past 7yrs and I will never get those moments back again. They haven’t been wasted, no. I found meaning in the pandemic where I finally got the chance to focus on my health. We’ve been back & forth with ideas of adoption, fostering and facing a child-less life. 

I’ve realised that for 12yrs since being told I may never have children, it’s ruled my life. All I ever wanted was to be a mum. I always talked about being a mum & having my own children, as many would at a young age, never possibly thinking that it might not be an option. To me, the innocent version of me, not being a mum wasn’t an option and to some extent I must regain that level of Faith & Hope. How I wish I could erase the information that I know and be that innocent girl who believes wholeheartedly that she WILL be a mum. No ifs, just no question about it. But above it all, above the waiting, the hoping, the letting go and letting God take over, or as I now have to think about it in some respects, letting the scientists take over (all the while praying that God’s will works within them to the best of their ability, whether they’re God-fearing or not – this is something I am requesting people to pray for - for the staff who’s care we will be under, who’s mortal hands will be guided by Him, to carry out his will) above all of that, is Love. Love that no matter what happens, is ever present and unconditional between us. We have spent years fighting our case, pleading our cause, kicking ourselves, being at our lowest and reaching the height and the depths we never thought we’d reach. But still, we love each other, no matter what, with or without a child. We used to dream of a house filled with children’s laughter but now, and we have not downgraded our dream, we dream only of 2 little lines on a pregnancy test. That is the step 1 we dream about. To us, that would be a dream come true, even just to get to that step. If I’ve learnt nothing from my health journey, of trying to regulate my menstrual cycles and get my weight down, it’s that yes you must have a long-term ultimate goal BUT in order to get there, you must have the tiny, achievable goals. We are well aware that my PCOS makes me 40% more likely to miscarry so we are fully aware that a positive pregnancy test does not equal a baby, or as the ACU unit call it, a live birth. Our NHS funding lasts until there is a “live birth”. As morbid as it sounds, that could even mean a baby born that dies of complications only hours after birth, complications which are even higher because of it being an IVF pregnancy. But to get back to the point, we pray for each tiny milestone along the way. At each and every stage, complications can arise but we can use them as a stepping stone to be grateful for.

Day 3 scan – get green light to start.

Hormone injections (stims) – at home in Lewis hopefully.

Day 8 & Day 10 of stims scans.

Trigger injection – at Mum’s in Edinburgh

Egg collection - under sedation & recovery period

Fertilisation - 70% success rate is normal expectation.

Blastocyst stage (125 cell-stage fertilised egg)

Best quality blastocyst identified for fresh transfer & any remaining good quality embryos sent into cryopreservation.

Embryo transfer - under sedation & recovery period

Pregnancy test - either it is a positive test, and we pray for the next stage for a viable pregnancy to continue (scan 2-3wks after test) or we’re back to square one again…..

Possible complications of each stage:

Headaches

Mood changes

Hot flushes

Night sweats

Nausea

Tiredness

Allergic reactions

Localised tenderness or injection site reactions

Weight gain

Abdominal pain

Diarrhoea

Breast tenderness

Ovarian cyst formation

Vaginal spotting

Vaginal irritation

Skin rashes

Shortness of breath

Risk of reduced response to drugs – cycle abandoned.

Risk of no eggs being collected – cycle abandoned.

Negative pregnancy test – move on to frozen transfers (if embryos are available) or next cycle.

Just remember, while this is an exciting prospect to finally be starting, the process itself is not exciting and there are no guarantees about a positive outcome, in fact, we have been given the stats of a 25% chance of success. While many people remind me, in a positive way, that 25% is still a good chance, try to think of it from the other way around as if you were dealing with the risk factors of agreeing to a surgery. If you were being told you only had a 25% chance of surviving that surgery, would you feel just as excited? Of course you’d hold on to the hope of that chance but you’d put your affairs in order because experience tells you that the number 75 is much bigger than 25 🤷🏻‍♀️

Being open, honest, raw & just plain & simply Me is the only way I know how to navigate this cruel journey. Kevin and I are very grateful for your support and understanding as we delve into a new world of anxiety & hormonal mood swings where he may fear for his life 😂😂😂😂😂

Faith, Hope & Love are important elements in this rollercoaster ride we’re on. Please pray that our Faith is deepened by progressing with treatment. Please pray that the Hope we have now remains strong throughout and doesn’t falter. Please also pray that the Love we have for each other develops our bond as a couple; supports us as we fall and need help; guides us to deal with each situation as we face it, wraps us up in everlasting trust and most of all, Love the God who is putting us through this pain.

Only he knows why we are going through this. 

Only he knows how to get us safely to the other side.

Only he has the power to grant us a miracle, in his name, Amen.

[islandpcosjourney]

Excitement? Or exactly the opposite……

29th May 2023

I indicated in my previous blog that “People should know what a rollercoaster ride it is because until you ride it, you almost think it’s the most exciting news to hear that we’re starting IVF”. When people hear that we’re starting IVF they comment “Oh that’s exciting” and I have never reacted very well or how I’d expect to react to this, which got me to start thinking of why? Why couldn’t I share in their excitement? Why was my first thought mostly, “You have no idea how much I am not looking forward to this”. Everyone else can only think of the end result. I know there’s a whole host of bumps in the road to get there.

There’s one aspect certainly that is exciting – things are progressing forward. Of course that’s exciting. We have been working towards this ultimate goal for the past year as we could accept that naturally, our chances were diminishing, and we had to get the ball rolling if we were to have a chance of being parents before we were 40. Having to jump through many hoops such as agreeing to go on Ovulation stimulation drugs first, having to lose a lot more weight and having laparoscopic surgery was enough of a hurdle and that is a journey most people will struggle to endure as it is. I knew that my body was working correctly again, I knew I was ovulating naturally, I knew I didn’t have to take drugs to make me ovulate and I knew that in doing so, I was overstimulating my ovaries unnecessarily – not that my doctor would listen to me 🤷🏻‍♀️ I knew we still had a chance of conceiving naturally, I still believe it to this day, but as the years, not just the months, go on, there comes a point when you have to make that decision to relinquish your hope in the long-term path you’ve been on (naturally TTC) and put your hope in another branch of the tree (assisted conception). So, exciting is not the word that springs to mind. I saw it as giving in and I still see it as a failure on my part. I find myself thinking “I should’ve sorted myself sooner” and “I shouldn’t have agreed to the meds all these years ago (which messed up my hormones completely)”. I don’t usually regret things in life but there are odd occasions when these negative thoughts run through my mind, and I try not to let them stop for a rest. I tell them to keep running.

We were waiting on blood results for me and Kevin the last time I wrote. My AMH levels were tested (egg reserve levels) to decide on what hormone protocol I’d be put on. Basically, a woman is born with a set number of eggs for her lifetime. As a foetus, we have around 6 million eggs, but by birth we only have 1 million. By the time we get our period, we only have 300,000. By 30, it might be 100,000 and by 35 it might be 80,000, diminishing rapidly to as little as 10,000 by the time we’re 40. Menopause kicks in when around 1,000 immature eggs are left in the ovaries. Only 400-450 eggs out of the original pool of millions get to ovulate during a woman’s reproductive life. The rest die off. The better-quality eggs are usually released when a woman is younger, and this is why it is easier to get pregnant. As women get older, the quantity and quality of eggs reduces, which explains why it takes longer to get pregnant and the reason miscarriage rates increase due to chromosomally abnormal embryos. The rate of chromosomal abnormalities such as Down’s syndrome also increases.

As I spent many years without a period and without ovulating even when I did have one, I predicted my egg reserves would be high rather than low. My AMH level came out as 27.6 which is classed as HIGH. A normal reading for my age would be up to 10.07. In this case I have been identified as being “at risk” for Ovarian Hyper Stimulation Syndrome. This would happen by over-responding to the stimulation drug injections (stims) I’d be taking. Symptoms could be anything from mild abdominal swelling/bloating, discomfort & nausea to experiencing difficulty breathing due to an increase of fluid on your lungs and possible blood clots too. The more severe cases land you in hospital with serious health implications. Considering how I have previously responded to Clomid (the far milder ovarian stimulation drug taken orally) with bad bloating, pelvic pain, indigestion/heartburn, UTIs, thrush & discomfort for weeks, I am in no doubt that this was my body “over-reacting” to the drugs and therefore experiencing OHSS, so I am slightly more prepared for this happening on a larger scale. Kevin claims I over-react to many aspects of life which I firmly deny but now there’s proof of me actually “ovary-reacting” 😁

So when people say, “that’s exciting”, do those possible symptoms sound exciting? Far from it.

Kevin’s results were all clear for the standard infections and general screening they do but we’re still waiting for the chromosome test results which is checking for any genetic abnormalities which might be affecting his swimmers. Chromosomal abnormalities can prevent fertilisation (& therefore failed IVF) and early miscarriages so this needs to be cleared before we start. However, nothing in the follow-up letter mentioned anything about further tests for him, which we were hoping for as our consultant had seemed interested in his childhood testicular surgery. The blood tests had nothing to do with this. I have asked the secretaries to chase this up but nothing as of yet has happened. I will be chasing this up.

Then when I tried to get more of an answer about start dates etc from the secretaries, it turned out we shouldn’t have been told a June start month. Kevin will be expected to freeze his swimmers once he’s home again and then the BUSINESS MANAGER will decide on a start month for us, we’ll be sent more consent forms and further instructions on when I would be getting in touch with the nurses about my period dates. It’s all so complex and it was frustrating finding out that one thing we were told turned out to be incorrect. I geared myself up for starting in June, worried about my period having started EARLY at the end of April (first time ever!) and that it would be pulling my June period forward to starting before June and I wondered if that meant that we’d have to wait until July to start. Turns out all of that was overthinking it and actually, what I’ve learnt on this journey, is just to relax and allow the waiting. It's completely out-with our control and there’s no point in trying to think ahead because ANYTHING can happen 🤷🏻‍♀️ I am more at peace about the waiting now, purely as I’ve accepted it and I’m just enjoying the time between now and then to focus on me and ultimately us. There’s an odd relief about all of that - no pressure. The only downside is having to wait and pretty much put our lives on hold as we can’t plan anything concrete over the summer months. That in itself is frustrating because I have 6wks off from teaching where I would’ve been free to travel up and down the road and devote myself physically and mentally to the process. That’s unlikely to happen now so there’s no point in dwelling over it – we can’t control it!

In terms of the process ahead, trying to be realistic is the best way forward. We have a 25% chance: a 1 in 4 chance and that’s it. Many have said to me “This time next year you’ll have a little one!” and that couldn’t be further from the truth. In fact, at this point, it would be impossible. Aside from the fact that we haven’t started treatment yet, as I’ve mentioned I’m also at risk of OHSS. This means that I’m unlikely to be offered a fresh transfer (when after collection, a fertilised egg which turns into a successful blastocyst would be transferred back into my womb a few days later), which means that a normal 6wk treatment schedule might end up being 2-3 months for us. The hormone injections building up to egg collection could push my body over the edge so the standard form of protocol for someone in my position would be to allow my body to recover for a couple months after egg collection. This could differ from person to person so really, how short/long is a piece of string? Once we have a start month, all we can know for certain is the length of the process from starting treatment to egg collection. After that we have to take it as it comes.

The one thing that could bring me hope in this entire journey is also what I fear the most - pregnancy announcements! It’s the ones that hit me out of the blue that hit me the hardest - the couple you didn’t know were trying; the couple who weren’t actively “trying” (as in tracking) but weren’t “preventing” either (the most natural way most of us dream of!); the couple who had an “accident”; the couple who were trying hard not to get pregnant but still did 🤷🏻‍♀️

The point is, in the IUI/IVF/ICSI WhatsApp group I’m in, specifically for the north of Scotland, we have to obey certain rules. We are allowed to talk of our treatment, loss, our diminishing hope, trying to encourage each other on and on etc. We are not allowed to spread joy of a successful transfer i.e.. the positive pregnancy test. Once that happens, you’re taken out of the group & placed into a separate pregnancy group. So through all of the process, the disappointment & pain, you never get a glimpse into who’s finally won against the odds. It’s probably the only place where I’d relish the chance to hear a pregnancy announcement, to give me hope that the process can work for some, because otherwise It does make you feel like the whole thing is just one big failure. A 25% chance at our age, that means only 1 out of 4 leave with a baby after their treatment. 3 out of 4 get nothing - that’s a huge percentage! It means that not only does every part of the process carry that same rate of failure (so you’re constantly thinking it might not work at every turn) but that the end result, even if you get passed every part of the process, will in 75% of cases still be nothing.

This is not exciting. This is TERRIFYING!

But in all of this, God is with me 100%. He comforts me when I’m terrified, he encourages me to keep going, he tells me to keep believing in his ways even when I can’t see why he’s doing it. He tells me that there is a reason for the hurt, the pain, the loss, the frustration, the anger; the joy, the peace, the cuddles, the smiles 😊 In all of this, as long as I am doing this in His name, as long as I am doing this with the man he created me for by my side, I can find eternal happiness in that. I have been praised for being brave, for having been through chronic trauma and still putting myself & ourselves through it but it isn’t bravery – this is just life with its ups and downs. Many go through a tough time, and you don’t know it. I’m just telling you all of my woes, laying my heart on my sleeve for you all to have a peak at it. Be kind & gentle to each other. Who knows what the person sitting next to you is going through at the moment or the person who just shouted at you for no reason or the person who nearly hit you with their car or the person who is shy and doesn’t talk. Their trauma-brain might be working overtime and they just don’t know how to fix it. Compassion is key ❤️

[islandpcosjourney]

Our IVF future

11th May 2023

It has taken a whole month to get around to finishing this blog post!

Our first Assisted Conception Unit appointment at Ninewells Hospital, Dundee took place on the 11th April. We arrived home, a couple of days after our screening appointment (talk with doctor, blood tests, weight/BMI). We were mentally exhausted.

We’d had a few months to mentally prepare for this trip, although nothing could’ve prepared me properly, really. We signed all the online consent forms, watched all the videos, spoke to people who had been before and still we arrived, and I was stressed out. Well, more numb with anxiety than stress but there was that overwhelming feeling of “what on earth are we doing?!”. It didn’t feel right, I felt I shouldn’t be there, it definitely felt unfair we’d had to go down this route, this was not how it was meant to be, this was not how I’d envisaged our child being brought into the world. In that moment, I wanted to be anywhere else except sitting where I was – in the corridor of a “shopping centre”, the entrance area to the main part of the hospital, which felt massive and overwhelming in itself, nothing like our own Western Isles Hospital, a “cottage” hospital in comparison.

I’d been heavily distracted for the past week with the Edinburgh International Harp Festival. I’m on their organising committee so I had plenty to do each day which was great for taking my mind off the impending “unknown”. I was down in advance on my own, but Kevin flew down to Edinburgh the day before our appointment to join me. I was fine up until that point. Buzzing with energy, all smiles, my happy self. Monday morning I was giddy with excitement and then BAM! - plane delayed and all energy zapped. It really was like someone pulled the plug. I was all psyched up to be reunited with him again, had just got into the car and started the engine when his message came through and then all plans changed, and I had hours to wait around for more news. It doesn’t sound like a big deal; a plane being delayed but honestly it felt like an eternity waiting to see him. We are cuddle monsters. Kevin firmly believes that cuddles fix everything. I am more realistic that they soothe but do not “cure”. At this point, all I wanted was a cuddle. My anxiety kicked in big time.

So, this was the start of the numbness for me. I noticed a few people asking if I was ok. Clearly I had that glazed look on my face which gave them more of an insight into my inner world than I’d been giving away all weekend. Most people close to me know what’s going on. Most people around the festival knew as I was having to excuse myself the next day to attend our appointment and I’m not exactly shy about bearing all when it comes to our journey. The more open I am, the better, as this really isn’t anything to be ashamed of. I am very happy to talk to anyone about what we’re going through – whether it’s bad or good, traumatic, or ecstatic. People should know what a rollercoaster ride it is because until you ride it, you almost think it’s the most exciting news to hear that we’re starting IVF. More on this at a later date.

By the time Kevin eventually arrived, I was no longer the excited wife I had been hours previous. I was an anxious mess, and I was picking fights about trivial things – typical for me. I know Kevin was annoyed but he did his best to calm me down, accepting fault where there was none, just to keep me quiet. He shouldn’t have to do this, I shouldn’t be feeling like this, but I’m glad he’s learnt a little over the years on how to help me in these situations. He doesn’t always get it right but credit where credit’s due, he’s a good egg really.

That evening something happened at the festival which sent me over the edge. I am still processing that event, so I won’t talk about it now, but both my Mum and Kevin knew exactly what I needed – to get out of that building, go home to watch a film, decompress, cuddle, and focus on tomorrow. In actual fact we ended up going to Lidl and buying favourite foods to comfort us the following day 😂 I had been on a strict juicing regime for a number of weeks and was determined to weigh-in well under the BMI of 30 limit, so I for one was very much looking forward to my first few bites of chewable food after our appointment! I don’t believe in juice being a “diet” I follow but when needs must and I was still trying to lose Christmas weight, yes I was having to restrict myself. By the time we got home and got Kevin settled in, all we were good for was falling asleep in each other’s arms. Nothing is more comforting than Kevin’s shoulder ☺️ I keep saying it was made specifically for me. Sounds soppy but as Kevin was born exactly 10 weeks (to the day) before me, I believe God moulded me to fit him perfectly.

Tuesday morning, the day of our appointment, and I hadn’t slept well. I unfortunately had the previous night’s shenanigans going round and round in my head, which needed a good decompression session with Mum, so that’s what we did early morning. Kevin was able to switch off from it all and just wanted us to focus on Dundee, so we did. However, my anxiety was now at a much higher level, and I was snapping, at everyone. Mum knew to avoid any conflict. Kevin hasn’t really learnt not to wind me up but that also might’ve been his way of coping too. It’s not easy for the menfolk who don’t wear their hearts on their sleeves. Us women, we talk until the wee hours, about anything and everything but Men find other ways to express themselves, or not. I admit I hadn’t been able to log back into our online accounts (everything is done online with this facility), to find the very specific instructions on how to access the ACU once we arrived at Ninewells – I hadn’t written it down when we’d watched the video a few months previous, but it couldn’t be that difficult, right?! Plus, we were leaving 2hrs before our appointment time and it only takes 1hr15mins to drive through to Dundee – surely that was enough time?!

Arriving at Ninewells was a nightmare! So many different roads, buildings, car parks (9+ car parks?!) which one to choose?! Admittedly we did get a bit shouty at each other but tried our best to navigate the stressful situation to just choose a place to park and take it from there. Fortunately, we ended up at the closest one to the main entrance (we’ll try that one again next time!) and then had plenty time to be able to find the ward (although we didn’t know how far away it was so my panic-stricken head was still going at a million miles an hour worrying we’d be late even though we had 15mins to find it). We actually arrived too early, the ward was closed for lunch and had a very clear sign on the door saying it wasn’t open until 1330, the time of our appointment. There were also many signs in the corridor also telling us not to loiter, so we had no choice but to wander back to the entrance hall area and kill time, thus making my anxiety much worse. Kevin stopped us several times, hugged me, and kissed me on the forehead. I really appreciated this as I know how much he hates PDA and will not do it, so for him to comfort me like that is huge. He didn’t say much, he didn’t need to, he knew I was hurting and knew I just simply needed him by my side. I knew by how quiet he was that he wasn’t ok either, in his own way, but he was trying to be strong for me. 

Once we went back and the door was open, we had to register at reception – hand over our photo ID and get pictures taken for their records (it was quite funny when Kevin couldn’t find where to look at the camera that was taking our picture 😂). Once that was done, we didn’t even get to sit down, we were told to follow the doctor down the corridor – who was this? I was struggling with wearing a mask again, feeling claustrophobic and hot – but just had deal with it, to just keep going. We didn’t catch the doctor’s name and I struggled to follow exactly what he was saying – a bit mumbled under the mask and couldn’t place his accent. We were expecting, having been told by my Gynaecologist that we’d be offered IUI first, to be given options or for everything to be explained to us but NO - straight into questions about our past, medical procedures, conditions. It was very clinical. I don’t even remember if he asked us how we were? I suppose I was expecting some kind of compassionate pleasantries to try to make us at ease, introduce us to the unit/procedures etc. I felt like we’d been shoved into the room in the middle of the conversation and had missed the first part. Looking back, I know now that we’re just on a conveyor belt, these doctors do this day in/day out and we’re just another couple being added to the daily ritual, but I still feel that there should be an element of care, an element of “let me look after you and show you the way”. If we hadn’t had watched ‘Alex Jones’ Making Babies’ documentary beforehand, let me tell you, we’d have been LOST BEYOND BELIEF!

He rushed through the IVF process (bypassing the point where clearly it had been decided beforehand that we weren’t to be offered IUI, presumably based on the test results carried out back home?). He showed us diagrams and pictures and fleeted back and forth between talking “at us” and pointing at stuff. He explained they’d be using the ICSI process for us, which is directly injecting the egg with 1 specially chosen sperm. “Any questions?”, he asked. I was numb but I knew there were a few things I wasn’t sure about:

We lived hundreds of miles away – how would that work with appointments? When might we be required to stay down for a few days etc? He pointed at a timeline, and I understood coming back on Day 21 for an injection to stop my ovaries working 😳 and to learn how to inject myself, go away for 2 weeks then a scan, go away for a week then return for a trigger injection before egg collection, he said maybe we’d want to hang around for a few days at that point, but he couldn’t be specific. I appreciate every situation is different, but I needed to sort out, in my head, whether I can work in-between times or not. Clearly I wasn’t going to find out the exact nature of our treatment that day!

I also pointed out that Kevin works away – no problem he said, “You’re down for a June start. You can postpone, not prepone or we can freeze his sperm so that we have it available to us when we require it” – oh good, let’s get the good stuff out of him before he goes away to sea, then his part is done, easy 🥴 At no point do I want to go through any of this process without Kevin by my side. Clearly, this clinical process, will have me doing exactly that and HAVING to deal with it.

Back to the appointment in hand. Nobody at any point explained what the process would be that day. We’d been told to allow a few hours for the appointment but nothing more detailed than that. I didn’t know if Kevin would be asked to surrender his swimmers today or what. He at least told us that he’d be ordering blood tests for Kevin, which no documentation had told us would be happening, in fact we’d been told the opposite when I enquired as to why he hadn’t been mentioned on any paperwork - that Kevin would not be requiring any tests 🤷🏻‍♀️. He made it sound like he was interested in exploring Kevin’s history of testicular surgery, to which we got very excited about – this is what we’d been wanting for years! But 4wks later, it turns out that wasn’t the case, they were just your standard screening tests for infections & chromosomal abnormalities etc. I might still ask if it’s being explored or at least get an answer as to why not.

He left the room for something, and Kevin grabbed my hand – familiarity, comfort, support – I felt fear but at least he was beside me & he knew what I needed in that moment – reassurance in the touch of his warmth. When he came back he said we’d be next seen by the nurse. We didn’t have time to process the info we’d just been given before we were up again and moving rooms, following someone else – who was this person now?

Sorry this is taking so long…….. & well done if you’ve got this far!!

In the room with the Nurse, I could tell this guy was more of a people-person than the consultant but I was still being very quiet and appearing traumatised – he could tell this, a very receptive nurse. Question after question being asked of us. I knew my answers were short and quiet, I knew this wasn’t me and I have since learnt this is the way my “trauma brain” works – protection in the form of shut-down. By the time he got to the question about “any anxiety or depression?” I was able to respond in a more Màiri fashion, “oh yes, lots of anxiety!”. After this, not only did I start feeling better, but the nurse began to realise that I was relaxing and as soon as the first joke came out of my mouth (when Kevin was getting his bloods taken), he said “see, there you go, you’re relaxed now” and the acknowledgement was all I needed to let go and be myself again. After that, there was no stopping me. I liked this nurse; I could say anything I wanted in front of him. My attitude to the whole day completely changed in the blink of an eye. If nurses like him were going to be looking after me throughout this process, I knew I’d be fine. The nurses are the caring ones, the swans who are furiously paddling underneath while holding it altogether on the surface so elegantly. As far as I can tell, the consultants swoon in, do their magic trick and fly out again, leaving behind a possible trail of destruction or devastation where the nurses have to pick up the pieces. They’re the ones who make the NHS, who keep it going and who will keep me safe during this process and I was suddenly at ease with it all, knowing that this guy had my back. 

In terms of our tests, we were told in our letter that I’d get 3 tests performed - AMH (egg reserves), smoke test & weight. They only took one vial of my blood whereas poor Kevin had to give 4, my weight was in check, a BMI of 29.07 (yay), no carbon monoxide test was performed (well I’m not a smoker anyway, so we couldn’t understand why this was going to be performed on me, especially as it’s Kevin who’s the ex-smoker anyway!🤷🏻‍♀️) and as a precaution, he did an ECG on me, as I’d had a catheter ablation on my heart back in 2014 and they wanted to know that all was still well, which it was.

There was still LOADS to process but 1hr and 15mins after registering at reception, we were on our way out again – traumatised by it all, but having been through it together, holding each other, supporting each other, we left with the overwhelming feeling of “what just happened?” to then go and console one another in the car park and decide where to have my first proper meal in weeks 😂

First thing’s first – our Lidl buy the previous night – Chocolate tear & share brioche! My favourite! Kevin took a cheeky photo of me eating the brioche in the car, beaming with glee, not only at the sweet taste but from the giant sigh of relief. We’d finally got here, we’d achieved that. We weren’t sure what was happening next but at least we’d stepped on the first rung of the ladder. Next step was chicken in my opinion – dirty chicken. KFC!! I know it’s naughty, I know there’s plenty other nicer places but at 2.30pm in the afternoon and wanting to get back to Edinburgh for the evening concert, we weren’t going to be very picky. Kevin directed me as I a) had no clue where we were and b) had no clue where we were going. Left, right, carry on, straight ahead, 2nd exit etc. Miles later, I was convinced we were going in the wrong direction i.e.. further away from Edinburgh but then I turned a corner – Nando’s! 🤩 “Shall we go there instead?” I said. “Yes darling, did you really think I’d take you to KFC?” 🥰 He loves me 🥰 He really knows me 🥰 AND IT WAS SOOOOOOO TASTY!

[islandpcosjourney]

Next stage

7th March 2023

Well, here we are, we’ve exhausted our other options and after our referral 6 months ago, we now have our first appointment date at the Assisted Conception Unit next month.

It has been a rollercoaster of emotions so far. From realising that our last cycle (before we leave it in the hands of the scientists) had failed, to feeling denial about our “need” for scientists to take over, the natural rhythm of life failing us and the possibility that this isn’t meant to be, from the perspective of continuing to seek a family through medical interventions.

It has been no secret that we were told years ago that we’d need medical intervention but I still refused to believe it. I still had hope where others may not have. I wanted and so badly did believe that it WOULD happen and that we wouldn’t need to push onto this stage. I never wanted it. Yes, I accepted the referral but didn’t quite compute what it all meant in terms of it being a deadline for us to make this decision - we now only have til we’re 40.

It’s not been easy on either of us. We’re seeking further help out-with our own capabilities because deep down, we’re just not coping. Or I think it’s just that I’ve realised how much we’ve been dealing with and “coping” in a certain way by not facing it head on. It is so much easier to not say the words when you feel rubbish and useless. I find it much easier to just cuddle up to Kevin, cry and leave it at that. Saying words out loud however, make it real and making it real helps you to heal.

But neither of us have been through this before, no matter how much I might know about the process from documentaries or dramas or talking to people, we will still be going through this together, afresh, at the same time and that partly does worry me as this isn’t a trial run, this is real and happening! Will I know how to comfort Kevin? Will he know how to comfort me? Will there be part of the process when he won’t be there to help me? Well, there must be because on average its a 6 week-long process going through an IVF round (just found that out yesterday, that’s how clueless I am!) and he’s only ever home for 5 weeks at a time. Not entirely sure why I thought it took months. Maybe because I know people can be going through it for months but that might actually be because there’s time between monitoring, drugs, scans, various appointments etc before a 6-wk cycle even begins! Then of course there’s the failed transfers, which might mean that you’re 6 weeks down the line, not pregnant but might have frozen embryos in storage so you might get to try again the next month. Now presumably, if that happens to us, Kevin wouldn’t need to be around for future transfers, as they’re frozen, already fertilised embryos, but this is me just guessing.

As far as we can understand, our first appointment has to include us both and presumably that’s because they’ll be talking us through the process and finding out more about us. I will have my AMH tested, which will test my blood for levels indicative of my age, to see about my ovarian egg reserves. Women are born with a finite number of eggs whereas men can produce new sperm every day, forevermore. I’m kind of hoping that I won’t have any problems in that department as, even though I’m 35, I haven’t had many periods before the last 2 years, I basically only had around 30 in 10 years so my ovaries haven’t been spitting out eggs like they should have, therefore I’m assuming they’re still in there 🤷🏻‍♀️ The AMH level will indicate what hormone protocol you’re put on for treatment.

I’ll also have a carbon monoxide test - me?! I’m a non-smoker but it’s been Kevin that’s cheekily been sneaking cigarettes for years, not me. He’s off them now but our documentation doesn't say anything about him being tested. It says we’ll be asked but it specifically says that I'll be tested - random. 

I’ll also be weighed - to make sure my BMI is under 30, which it is not at the moment (still carrying Christmas weight - oops!) but it will be in 5 weeks - that I am certain of!

Other than those 3 things that will be measured, we have no idea what the rest of the appointment will entail but it’s annoying that Kevin isn’t having any tests done because we postponed our first offer appointment which was this week because he isn’t around and when it said that we both had to be available, we assumed that was because we were both needed for tests. I'm told that staff shortages etc mean that they’re using our previous test results to start off and if anything else is required, we’d have to be referred somewhere else like Aberdeen for that - frustrating. Having Kevin away 5 wks at a time, I’m used to dealing with appointments on my own, relaying info to him etc but their policy must be that both parties must be present for the first consult and there was no way around that.

Then came the realisation of getting into a whole new ball-game with the local Health Board here and phoning up to arrange patient travel. I’m already down in Edinburgh anyway so it’s only Kevin that needed a flight arranged, one way but still, that process spiked a lot of anxiety in me and I could hear my voice breaking down the phone, getting emotional about silly little things! Well I say silly but when I told the lady that I was already down and staying with my mum, after that she kept referring to me as staying with my parents and after a while I felt I had to correct her as she shouldn’t have assumed that it was my “parents” when I had said “mum”. I had to say that my Dad had died. She should’ve maybe said “family” or perhaps I will in future. What was going through my head also was that I’m disappointed that we’ve had to get to this stage. It’s a realisation, an acceptance that we couldn’t manage it ourselves, even with medications and that we now have to go about it in the most clinical way possible. However, it will all be worth it for a child to enter into our lives, to bless our marriage and make us a family (although I am not saying that we’re not blessed already and that we’re not a family, but you get what I mean - bless us further and make us a family of more than 2 adults plus fur babies 😂)

I also had a horrid realisation yesterday that we wouldn’t be able to afford this financially. Yes, we’re entitled to 3 NHS funded cycles, yes we get our travel paid and (to a certain extent) accommodation when required but as a self-employed music teacher, I don’t get sick pay, I don’t get holiday pay, I don’t get maternity pay. When I don’t work, I don’t have an income. An average teaching week would cover my mortgage, another week would cover my council tax (which is 200% atm because the house isn’t fit to live in), another week would cover my car payment, another week covers the month’s electricity. There’s not much left over each month because of the rising costs facing us and when I am either forced to take a week off due to school holidays or because I need time off for something else, it has to be done with care and thought because most of the time, I might be relying on my overdraft to get me through that month. So, when hearing someone else who went through IVF tell me that they took 3 wks staying on the mainland during treatment - that freaked me out! I really can’t afford to take 3 weeks off. Is having a baby worth going bankrupt for? Worth losing my house and therefore my living? Then, if we can’t afford that, how on earth can I afford maternity leave? We have a long-term plan but it isn’t in force yet and thoughts, financially like this, always have me questioning whether or not we’re in the right position to have a family and then it dawns on me that maybe that’s why we don’t already..... that God is saving us from that stress. Perhaps.

However, Kevin insists that we’ll be fine and I prayed on it this morning. Hours later when I was getting ready to leave for work, it dawned on me that there must be advice out there for musicians going through IVF or similar and I googled it and found a charity called “Help musicians”. I just rattled off a quick email to them as I couldn’t read their FAQs well-enough on my phone and I got a response really soon after, asking me about more specifics. There might be help available! Who knew?! Praise the Lord. It’s in these moments when you cry out, you feel rock bottom and have no clue where or who to turn to for help, that prayers really can be answered. Nothing may come of it, I have no idea yet but at least I didn’t get a straight NO from them. I am being put in touch with the right people to decide what application forms are best to fill out etc but what a weight off my mind that we might possibly get some support - one less stress.

Yes it’s our choice to want a family and to want to pursue this treatment option 200 miles away but neither of us made the choice to get an infertility diagnosis. We do not have the simple choice of deciding when to be parents, in the comfort of our own home. We have to make sacrifices and this is where it begins. If we want this bad enough, we’ll be making the hardest choices we’ve ever had to make in our lives over the next weeks, months & years. This is where adult life gets really complicated and serious and scary. I’m learning to reach out to others now because we can’t do this on our own. We’re being open and honest about where we’re headed and that in itself will breed a different type of stress when we may well have several folk checking in on us, asking us how things are going, BUT to be honest, that’s parenthood starting early - the crazy life with no privacy beginning! 

The time for “surprise” pregnancy announcements is over. There’s no hiding from this process now. Once you start a cycle, you either end up pregnant weeks later or you don’t. Everyone will know that. Every time we leave the island for an appointment, I don’t want to be hiding it because there is no hiding on this island! Everyone knows your business and that’s that. I don’t want to be made to feel like I’m ashamed of what we’re doing because I’m not. Best to be open and honest and upfront, which I’ll respect myself for even more too. Several times this week I have been asked if I’m ok and I have without hesitation said NO. 

It is ok not to be ok. 

[islandpcosjourney]

Anger

2.3.23

Infertility has many different hats. Today’s one is Anger. It relates to the never-ending timeline of our entire journey. It struck me today when a friend said it had been a “journey” to the birth of their child, that each one of us has a different definition for that word and a story to tell. I posted a picture on my Facebook timeline the other day depicting how some people have the fortunate reality of the direct route to becoming parents. In my head it’s a bit like the simplicity of picking up a takeaway when others have to cultivate the land, sow the seeds, growing the food themselves with all the fertilisers etc to make the same food, cooked at home as a “fakeaway” from scratch. For some couples, conceiving after 6 months of trying feels like a miracle, others it might be a year or 18 months. I used to feel envious of those couples & annoyed that they thought they could identify with us on a level footing but now I just feel thankful that they hadn’t had to endure longer than they did because I wouldn’t wish the dread of years of disappointment on anyone. Infertility should be an issue of the past what with the state of medical advances nowadays. OR, are all the “medical advances” contributing to our fertility troubles? Food for thought maybe…..

Our timeline is exhausting and it always makes me feel very angry when I think about it. Some aspects if I had my time over, I would change, others I wouldn’t.

Our timeline

2011 - diagnosed with PCOS 1 month before I was with Kevin, before I’d ever considered/acknowledged the fact that some people can have problems conceiving. I never thought I’d be that person, I always “knew” I’d be a Mum (I say “knew” because I refuse to believe that I won’t be one day). I just thought it was as simple as meeting the right guy, getting married and having a child a year later 🤷🏻‍♀️ Perhaps naïve of me but that whole tradition of keeping the top tier of one’s wedding cake for the baptism a year later, that was something I grew up being aware of and never thinking it would be anything otherwise.

2012 - told by an endocrinologist (specialist in hormones) I’d never lose weight or conceive so don’t bother trying - never saw him ever again! But also this consultant took me off all meds for 3 months so he could get his own “baseline” results & during those 3 months, I had 3 menstrual cycles. I remember Kevin being particularly excited about it all because it proved there was hope. As far as we were concerned, the only aspect potentially against us in future was my lack of cycle so having 3 in 3 months was perfect & why were we to think otherwise that years later my body would behave any differently after coming off my meds? In fact we now know that PCOS can be treated in the short-term by going on the pill, which resets the hormones. I had been on it 6 months at that point, so that proved that point, in hindsight. Longer term use was unknown to us.

2013 - condition kept “under control” with medications which led to more and more meds to keep various side effects as a consequence of said meds “under control”, therefore making the whole situation “out of control”. Found an endocrinologist I trusted (because I thought that being on all these meds were helping me!) Was told that as soon as I wanted to start trying for children, the help would be there for me, straight away, like jumping the queue as I had a pre-existing condition.

2014 - moved back to Scotland therefore leaving that consultant, came off all meds as I had become disenchanted with the whole situation, wanted a fresh start, went cold turkey to try to gain the control back. No consultant to advise me, no access to any help because technically in Scotland I was undiagnosed as my diagnosis happened in England and the two trusts don’t “talk” to each other yet no GP wanted to re-diagnose me as we weren’t TTC yet anyway - living in no-man’s-land. I was denied a referral to an endocrinologist to keep my PCOS under control. PCOS support without the fertility aspect was a non starter.

2015 - clear I wasn’t gaining control so I went back on some of the basic ones like the pill, keeping those symptoms under control like reinstating a regular period (a GP can prescribe that, no questions asked). Again, no specialist advice being allowed access to as I wasn’t trying for a baby at that point. Nobody listened to me wanting to prepare my body for when we’d be starting to try for a family the following year as soon as we were married!

2016 - started TTC but no cycles. After 6 months coming off the pill, I sought a referral from my GP as I was under the impression, having been previously told in England that my condition gave me a right to fertility help straight away. Was told I’d have to join the Gyne queue like anyone else and then the famous phrase was first said to me “BUT YOU’LL BE PREGNANT BEFORE THAT REFERRAL COMES THROUGH ANYWAY, MOST COUPLES ARE”. I believed him 🤷🏻‍♀️ Despite being told previously that I’d need help to conceive & despite having no menstrual cycles I believed him. After-all he was a medical professional so surely he was trustworthy. How stupid of me. No menstrual cycle = no chance, I knew that but I believed in a miracle.

2017 - see Gynecologist, re-diagnosed with PCOS (same tests repeated as in 2011, what a waste of resources) yes told we’d need help due to both of our test results being “under par” (shock news to us, why would we ever have considered male-factor infertility?! We just thought the issue would be me), confirmed I’m not ovulating but wouldn’t do anything drastic until we’d jumped through some hoops - lose a bit of weight, take some fertility meds to try to stimulate hormones - great! I lost weight but the meds didn’t work, at all. Discharged to lose more weight before she’d consider surgery (Ovarian drilling). Nothing advised for Kevin. Was told only thing that can be done for men is IUI, ICSI, IVF. Lets exhaust all options on me first coz of course, poking & prodding the woman is totally ok 🤨

2018 - Dad died, everything else important in life forgotten about. No cycle that year.

2019 - No cycle this year either. Came to conclusion it wouldn’t happen for us so started to think about Adoption, made the enquiries, started the process.

2020 - No cycle this year, until Boxing Day (so 1 month short of a 3 year drought) BUT had changed my lifestyle drastically half way through the year so figured I’d be able to visit the Gynecologist again one day. Stopped adoption process as suddenly there was hope again! Menstrual cycle = a chance!

December 2021 - finally lost all the weight she’d stipulated when she’d discharged me in 2017 so asked for re-referral to Gyne. Once we got to see her, she claimed everything still in same situ as before (despite weight loss!) ie. we’d need IVF due to both of our test results. First I had to have surgery before referral but there was nothing she could do surgery-wise at that point due to covid-related restrictions. Left us to try naturally for 6 months as my hormone panel results were actually ok compared with before & I now had the Ovusense monitor which was confirming that I’d ovulated 3 times so far, so she thought we still had a good chance, even though my husband’s results were worse, she then said that stupid phrase BUT I’LL SEE YOU BEFORE THEN ANYWAY AS YOU’LL BE PREGNANT 🥺 this time, it really grated on me as not only had I heard that before, but it had been 5 years since I had........ 🤷🏻‍♀️ The medical profession really need to consider their “bedside manner” in all situations as that is such a triggering phrase & although they say that “most couples get pregnant within 6 months to a year”, it is wrong to assume that ALL couples do, because SOME don’t EVER and that is a medical fact.

June 2022 - not pregnant 🤷🏻‍♀️ what a surprise, NOT! although in the meantime a friend had said to me (in relation to that stupid phrase) that I had to keep the faith and yes it would happen and yes I’d be seeing her within the 6 months. Well, while that is very positive thinking and while I do still keep the faith and have hope, by the end of those 6 months I had proved them both wrong and it made me feel like I’d failed therefore feeling worse, not better so is it good to be so positive all of the time? Best to be realistic. Was expecting this appointment to be all about being referred to IVF now that I still wasn’t pregnant but I had put on a few pounds since I’d had surgery for a lipoma removal a few weeks before and she took this to mean that I wasn’t “consistent” with my weight-loss (despite me having maintained my weight for 6 months before the surgery!) so denied our request for IVF AND said she wouldn’t perform the laparoscopic surgery on me to check my tubes etc until I’d lost a further 10kg - talk about jumping through hoops for this lady! It was only a few pounds I’d gained, temporarily through bloating, and I’d lost 5 stone overall. She seemed to be wanting nothing left of me. She didn’t accept that eating 4 times a day for a fortnight in order to take strong painkillers was any kind of excuse 🤷🏻‍♀️ She also denied the fact that I was ovulating! I had to remind her about Ovusense, but she said it wasn’t scientifically/medically proving that I was ovulating on my medical notes therefore she was still insisting that I wasn’t 😳 Can’t please this woman! So, she suggested that I get my progesterone level checked on Day 21 each cycle, something which I was apparently entitled to do this whole time, she just hadn’t said 😵

September 2022 - I’m back seeing her, 13kgs (25lbs) lighter so finally she agrees to send our referral letter to Ninewells for the Assisted Conception Unit and books me in for surgery in October (remember back in Dec 21 she claimed she couldn’t refer me UNTIL I’d had the surgery? 🤨). Ignored my August blood test PROVING that I’m ovulating on my own.

October 2022 - Laparoscopy & dye test performed under General Anaesthetic. Finds nothing wrong with me, practically no evidence of PCOS (a mild case at best, whereas when diagnosed, both times, I was an extreme case), definitely no endometriosis (although she’d never before suggested I did) and although the dye went through my tubes she said it flowed slower to begin with, so perhaps they might have been slightly blocked initially but by flushing them out she’s increased our chances of conceiving naturally and I’ll be statistically the most fertile I’ve ever been over the next 3 months. Great news! Still, her parting comment is that I don’t ovulate, to which I stop her in her track and insist that both August & September’s results show that I am...... She hasn’t bothered to check them........ At least I know that I am even if she doesn’t care!

Present day 2023 - Having regular 31 day cycles (on average), ovulating EVERY SINGLE TIME, naturally, of my own doing, due to eating nutritionally better & taking natural supplements (which cost a pretty penny 🫣). Last time I was this regular was as a teenager when my Mum kept a track of them on her calendar. Once I left for college age 18, I felt lucky I was only having 2 or 3 a year because my cycles were debilitating and really who wants to be “out of action” once a month when they felt as bad as mine did. Now I am glad for that one day a month where I have to take it easy, maybe take a painkiller to calm the cramps, maybe feel a little fragile for a day. I had no idea when I was in my 20s how bad it was to not have one regularly. I didn’t know it increased your chances of Uterine Cancer. I then had no idea how bad it would be to be put on medications to regulate my cycle in the long term for 6 years before we got married and wanted to start a family. Now we’re over 6 years later and only now can I confidently say that my hormones are regulated but that's 15+ years since they were last “naturally” regulated. That’s a long time when I’m only 35 and my biological clock is ticking fast, especially saying as we can only access IVF on the NHS until we’re 40. Had a catch up recently with my very supportive GP as my gyne consultant is not seeing me again. Checked through my progesterone results which he claimed were very positive, confirmed we still had a chance naturally and then said KEEP UP THE PRACTICE BECAUSE STATISTICALLY MOST COUPLES CONCEIVE BEFORE THEIR FIRST IVF APPOINTMENT 🤦🏻‍♀️ seriously!! Are they all trained in how to deliver insensitive comments? I know he was trying to encourage, be positive but surely when you know someone has been 6.5 years TTC with no history of a positive pregnancy test, no chemical pregnancy, no miscarriage, no conception whatsoever even with apparently perfect test scores, the last thing you should be saying is that “statistically” I’m going to spontaneously, miraculously conceive a child now just coz our IVF appointment is imminent 😵‍💫 I want to believe miracles can happen but I’ve been believing for 6.5 years & it’s exhausting. How much longer can I live in a dream world?

April 2023 (the future) - our first appointment at the Assisted Conception Unit at Ninewells Hospital, Dundee. Who knows what the future will hold!

Anger

I’m angry. 

Angry it’s taken me this long to sort out my condition.

Angry I got waylaid in the meantime, by BAD advice & by me being me.

Angry the only option out there to help PCOS is medications which actually don’t help you, they just try their best to mask your symptoms, while actually making your hormones fundamentally worse! 

Angry that the NHS in Scotland (or maybe it’s specific to the Western Isles) doesn’t support PCOS maintenance. They’re only interested when you’re TTC, not beforehand when they should be trying to help you regulate your hormones to prepare your body. You wouldn’t try planting veg without cultivating the soil first 🤷🏻‍♀️

Angry that men and women are not treated equally when it comes to fertility.

Angry that the burden which was all on me with my diagnosis initially has now done a complete 180 and we’ve got a referral due to male-factor infertility now, therefore shifting the emotional burden onto my husband who hasn’t had the same time frame (nearly 12 years) to deal with his “grief” on this matter like I have.

Angry that in the 21st century, it’s still taboo or “really brave” to be talking about fertility issues or even simply to be talking about women's menstrual cycles whether they’re wanting children or not. We women go through a lot emotionally in a month and when anyone turns around to ask “what’s wrong with you?” when you’re simply moody because your hormones are making you crazy, it really makes you feel like you’re a monster rather than just simply a woman going through what most women go through each month. Get used to it, I am so pleased to have my crazy hormones back again, no matter how much they go up and down. They’re meant to, that’s what God designed them to do because each hormone has a purpose - he is the best architect in history.

Angry that it’s taken us 6.5 years to get to this stage when I was diagnosed nearly 12 years ago. Nothing I can do about it except to keep pushing on. Time is not on our side.

Angry that I still want a family despite every effort and attempt telling me it’s not happening.

Angry that I still hope every month with these hopes being dashed every time.

Angry that my faith tells me to just trust in God. I believe in him, I trust, but it is frustrating to be still praying over a matter years later and still having no baby. Does it mean he doesn’t want us to have a family? Does it mean he wants us to be older parents? Does it mean our journey is meant to mean something? Does it mean that we shouldn’t be allowing the scientists to try to help us? Or has he created that option for us, but why, when he appears to have healed me now? Does it mean that we should stop “trying” & give him full control? Are we wrong to want to try, to want to have a family?

Angry that I was diagnosed long before we ever got married, because I definitely think that knowing my diagnosis had a massive impact on how our marriage began, with a dark cloud looming over it. As a Christian couple, who believes that God blessed our marriage, I believe we were robbed of our chance to “see what happened”, to leave it in God’s hands and question nothing. Instead we had pre-existing anxiety which in turn breeds stress (internal & external), which is never any good for TTC. When you’re told you have a condition, of course you try your best to help it. You don’t stand back & do nothing. Part of me believes that when couples stop trying, whether after several failed rounds of IVF or after adopting, then they spontaneously conceive and have a surprise miracle baby and it’s majorly down to being relaxed coz they’re no longer thinking about it. I honestly wish I’d never known before. Ignorance is bliss.

I am angry that I can’t let go of trying to that extent in order to achieve the appropriate state of relaxation I believe is required. I know there are problems which need fixing. I can’t forget that, it’s not possible to delete it from my memory.

Anger is a justified feeling I allow myself to feel as it helps me to see & acknowledge that I am still normal. Or rather, that I have returned to “normality”. It doesn’t mean I have given up. It doesn’t mean that I don’t believe. It doesn’t mean that I don’t still try my best. 

It does mean however that my life is in limbo and that is ultimately what I am most angry about. The constant waiting, planning for something to happen and it doesn’t. Angry isn’t an emotive enough word for what I feel really.

[islandpcosjourney]

As the daily wonder of “why do I put so much pressure on myself?” runs through my head, I think back to days gone by when life seemed much easier.

They were all pre-PCOS diagnosis, which in turn was pre-Kevin (the long-term commitment time around 🤪), pre-changing jobs, pre-uprooting myself several times, pre-buying a messed up house, pre-engagement, pre-marriage, pre-grief.

An awful lot has happened in the last 11yrs but you know what, I wouldn’t change any of it.

God has his plan. He meant for me to suffer. He meant for me to hit rock bottom before picking myself up again, for the benefit of everything. Suffering is good. It makes us stronger, more resilient, more aware, more grateful, more respectful, more patient. It also makes us bitter, resentful, jealous, depressed, forgetful.

I often wonder if I’d have longed for a family as much as I do now, if I hadn’t been given a bleak fertility diagnosis before I’d even had the opportunity to think about it. If we’d started marriage just leaving it in God’s hands, as most Christian couples do (& without knowledge of what is going on within us) it wouldn’t have even crossed my mind that 6yrs in, we’d be living a child-less life! I was looking forward to our wedding, believing we’d be able to conquer all the statistics which were against us, prove everyone wrong & create a nice little family straight away. I had such faith in everything working out that I was so shocked that 6 months on, 1 year on, 18 months on that I had been proved wrong. Were we trying too hard? Wanting too much? Expecting the impossible? Had our marriage not been blessed by God after-all?

Perhaps I’d become complacent, allowing myself to lose sight of solving the problem by burying my head in the sand. I wasn’t looking into my medical issues like I had done at the start. Letting go and letting be, just seeing what happens back then, was by “doing nothing productively to help the situation”. It was using plasters rather than tackling the underlying “unknowns”. Perhaps if I hadn’t been diagnosed 5yrs before we’d started trying, the issues could’ve been best attacked with a force of 2 people facing it rather than just 1, as it was when I was simply a single lady. As much as Kevin came on board only a few months after my diagnosis, we hadn’t faced the news together at the same time. We were at different stages of the process & continued to be until December 2020 when we got a fresh bunch of hope sent to us, we just didn’t know it until then.

When somebody tells you you can’t have something, what do you think about? 🤷🏻‍♀️

When somebody tells you you can’t have something, you can choose to believe them or choose to ignore them & trust in someone/something else.

When I was told I might never be able to have children, a fire was ignited in me that day. Sometimes I’ve let it burn right down so much so that it’s gone right out. You know what that’s called? Letting the devil take over. The moments where you’ve had faith & hope leading you for so long but nothing is happening, nothing is changing & the little guy on your shoulder starts telling you that you were stupid to believe it might be any different? That’s what he wants. He wants you to stop believing so you start to look in all the wrong places, giving you false hope, false information, false directions!

When the fire re-ignites, what’s the source? God, at the heart of it, each time. I don’t choose the moments when I’m hurt, when I’m triggered, when I’m comforted, when I get “lightbulb” ideas, when I’m able to put it to the back of my mind, when all I can think about is the failure of my body to do it’s womanly duty! Nobody can choose those moments. They are put in front of us like challenges or solutions.

Some days it’s the hardest thing to live life knowing you’re missing out on something.

Some days it’s the easiest thing to live life knowing that no matter what, your life is planned out before you & actually, what is there to worry about?

Sometimes letting go & letting be is the hardest decision we have to make, be it hourly, daily, monthly, annually.

Then I have the moments where I stop analysing and realise that every day is a journey. A chance to put another step forward, to have another stab at whatever it is that might’ve gone wrong yesterday.

Each day is a new opportunity. It only takes a second to wake up in the morning and decide if you’re going to get up or not, move forward or stay put. Then the next decision you make is whether you’re going to create a good, positive energy for the day in the form of smiling at your loved one, greeting them with a kiss, texting them good morning, making them a cup of tea OR starting off “by getting out of bed on the wrong side” by being angry, annoyed, grouchy, forgetting that every decision you make, shapes the next one and the next one and the next one. Energy creates energy. You have to move to be able to continue to move. You can’t make something out of nothing.

No matter how tired I might feel, I already know that tomorrow I’ll wake up and bounce out of bed, because I know that positive energy feeds even more positive energy. Who knows what might happen from that positive energy. Oh wait, HE knows 🤪

[islandpcosjourney]

Day 28 – May ’22 challenge

5th June

Now obviously I haven’t completed 28 days this time around 🤷🏻‍♀️ I broke my food-fast on Day 26 and again today for a family BBQ – life happens! I’ve allowed the “slips”, accounted for them, and built them into my way forward.

My plan is to continue juicing mid-week and eating what I choose at the weekends. It should be pretty sustainable. I might even do full juicing until my op (another 16 days) as I want to be in as best a shape as I can be for the op.

I already feel pretty good. My confidence level in myself has definitely increased. I can’t stop thinking about what a good day Friday was. I’m so pleased I did it. I’m so pleased it’s sparked an interest inside me. That I’m feeling good about being out/in the water again, is a total surprise to me.

I’m already making plans to be going out paddle-boarding again, soon! So, I went looking for Kevin’s wetsuit as I’ve never put one on before and I eventually would like to get one, when I’m more of a stable size. So, rather than buying one to fit me now and having to downsize next year, I thought I’d try Kevin’s on and see if it was even possible to wear. Before now, I was scared to even try it on because I knew I was bigger than him and it wouldn’t fit! But not trying it on, meant that it wasn’t confirmed that I was a fat so-and-so 😂 It’s hard at the best of times to compare a female to a male body – we are different shapes after all. However, a recent wardrobe/washing malfunction led me to believe that I had got to the point where I was now smaller than Kevin, overall. A pair of straight legged jeans (size 18) which I now use as pair of lounging jeans and an easy on/off loose bottom half when I go for a massage, had been in the wash and came back upstairs when they were dry. Somehow, they ended up at Kevin’s side of the bedroom and he put them on one day. They fit him perfectly and they actually looked really good on him, until he put his phone in the pocket and it didn’t fit – so he instantly knew they weren’t his jeans 😂 He’s running out of non-holey/ripped jeans at the moment which he can wear out-out and I tried to say he was welcome to them but he didn’t want to know when his oversized phone didn’t fit anyway 🤷🏻‍♀️ his loss.

However, that must’ve triggered me to realise that as they’re loose on me but fit Kevin, perhaps I’m smaller than him now? Yay – another “goal” reached 🤪 I still look in the mirror and see the rounded version of me from 2+ yrs. ago but I KNOW this isn’t the truth. So, I went in search of his wetsuit to prove that to myself. Something I knew wouldn’t fit me before, but suspect would fit me now. I was happy to find out I was right! I was not happy to find a spider had set up camp on the outside of it 🥴 Apart from it being too long as it’s a man’s wetsuit, to fit a 6ft4 Kev, and it is big generally on the torso (but is able to go round my bust!) it goes on me and I’m sure would work to keep me warmer than leggings if I wanted to go in the water with it on. I can turn up the legs so they’re more fitting around my ankles. For all that I might need one this summer, it’s worth a try before I invest in one next year. This is major progress for me – I’m considering wearing a wetsuit?! I never thought I’d think that let alone do it.

So, at the end of this challenge, I’ve achieved something I didn’t set out to achieve and I’ve perhaps not met some of the other goals BUT it doesn’t matter. It’s all a step in the right direction. It’s all part of the longer-term journey. It’s all a work in progress. Rome wasn’t built in a day. My health was many years in the decline so it may take more than 2 years in its restoration. I’m prepared to accept that now. It’ll take as long as it takes. There’s no point in trying to fast-track it by forcing it as all I’m doing in the process is slowing it down. Ahead of me is a period of 2 months with a new job, a completely new experience and therefore, a new chance to focus on what is important. Long may this lease of healthy life continue! You may not hear from me for a while now – but no promises!

[islandpcosjourney]

Day 27 – May ’22 challenge

4th June 2022

Gosh I almost forgot to write today’s blog post! I’ve been so busy doing not-very-much that I got wrapped up in all of that instead 😂

I woke up early with the dog pacing in the room, so had to let her out, but came back to bed as it was still sleepy time (within the 6hrs required to get an average temp reading from the OvuCore). I was super stiff from all the work I did with my muscles yesterday – clearly so good for me! It’s a great feeling to know I’d been using all of those muscles while having so much fun! Definitely want to go paddle-boarding again! Got invited out to do some more water activities this afternoon but I had to decline because essentially I don’t want to increase the pain I have already AND increase my time in the sun, further making me look like I’m turning into the beetroot juice I was drinking yesterday!

Today has been quiet time for me. Time to have space with my thoughts and deal with the aftermath of a busy, overwhelming day yesterday. While I didn’t feel overwhelmed at the time, it’s only when my mind replays everything that I realise how much I tackled, handled, AND enjoyed, while I reported a very positive day last night, handling my anxieties, letting go and getting swept up in the momentum of it all, it then hits me afterwards that I actually managed it! I don’t do proud, but I was pleased with myself that I’d been outgoing enough to try new things, go back to old things I used to enjoy and even taking compliments is something I find hard too. Processing all of that is then exhausting 😂 Living life is about knowing your limits isn’t it? Well I usually underestimate mine.

I can’t take compliments, even from Kevin so I find it very hard to accept them from others. Of course it’s nice to hear that I’m looking slim, that my skin is radiant, that I look healthy; somebody I haven’t seen an awful lot of lately barely recognised me – of course that’s nice to see because when the changes are happening slowly to ourselves, we don’t recognise the dramatic changes that losing 5 stone can look like. However, I never respond in the way I would like to. I just do a nervous smile, get all embarrassed and agree with an “aww thank you”. I mean, really it’s like somebody commenting “oh you’ve got your hair cut” – which is essentially only stating a fact but is a way for someone to start a conversation involving a nice compliment. Most people don’t comment on my physical changes and that just normalises it but when it is pointed out to me, it always surprises me 🥴 I’m not saying this to discourage anyone from mentioning it to me in future, I’m just trying to make sense of why I can’t seem to react properly to it when it is 🤦🏻‍♀️

Since this afternoon I’ve been suffering from occasional abdominal cramping on my right side. Quite bad sometimes it made me double over, so it was noticeable – enough to warrant lying down in bed. It could be a welcome sign of ovulation and being on CD16, it should be, but I am still getting to know my own body in each cycle, and it will take time to recognise the patterns and appreciate what they are so that I can recognise any changes.

I’ve been so up and down over the last 20yrs with it, no such thing as a pattern, so I really find it hard to know who I am CURRENTLY when I haven’t stayed consistent in my health, weight or even work routines. Being self-employed, that part will never be consistent, except that it involves music of some sort, but I’m so looking forward to being consistent with my health & weight ONE day – that’s the goal! Maybe then I could invest in a wet suit 🤷🏻‍♀️ It was never even a consideration before as I was always fluctuating weight-wise and was bad enough having to buy entire new sets of clothes when I changed sizing “yet again”. Now I’m overwhelmed with clothing options, and I love it! Having only ever had 5 days’ worth of outfits, for years and years, I’ve now gone 3 weeks without wearing a single item twice. I challenged myself to always go for something new each day. Being different, challenging myself to find new combinations. There’s something very invigorating in that.

My cat Priscilla, displaying how I’ve felt all day 😂😂😂😂

[islandpcosjourney]

Day 26 – May ’22 challenge

4th June 2022

Just a quick post tonight! It’s 1am and I’m just in from the fabulous surprise birthday party – the event I was going to “break” my 28-day juice run for.

It’s been an amazing day really, considering I had so much anxiety attached to today’s beach visit.

Juices for the day all done before 9am ✔️ Dressed and packed before 10am ✔️ Hair sorted in a way I was happy and comfortable with ✔️ Leggings, sports bra & top sorted ✔️ Keeping calm all morning ✔️

Then at the beach I chilled out, applied sun-cream (although clearly not enough because I forgot about my feet 🤦🏻‍♀️) and got into the water! First dip was chilly but bearable, quite refreshing actually. Enjoyed drinking my healthy juice while snacks of wine gums & crisps were passed around (ok, I might have had a few wine gums 🤷🏻‍♀️) but I didn’t feel out of place, and I physically felt very alive, ready for the water etc.

I took the opportunity to try out paddle-boarding. Something which I’ve never tried before and always fancied having a go. My balance is pretty bad, always had been really so although I was confident kneeling on the board and using the oar, when I tried to stand up, I found myself frozen in one position, unable to find the confidence to try to stand. This kind of thing has happened to me before where I’ve been daring to try something but get stuck halfway. I was a bit of a climber as a toddler. Even climbed out of my cot once and frightened my mum to death as I crawled into the kitchen. She never forgot that moment. I climbed our garden fence to see our neighbours, but couldn’t get down, I got stuck. Not sure I attempted much climbing after that. Mum said I’d sort of learnt my lesson and wasn’t much of a daredevil after that. Perhaps that’s some deep-ingrained childhood memory which has followed me through, without realising. I took forever to get the stabilisers off my bike. I remember a girl on our street being a year younger and she took off well before me and my mum tried to guilt me into doing it too. That didn’t work. I wasn’t bothered that somebody else could ride before me and she was younger. I was me. However, when practicing one day and realising that my grandpa was about to arrive, I wanted to impress him so that forced me into it, and I was off. So clearly that was another incidence of lack of confidence in my balance.

Today was definitely all of those feelings flooding back. And then I fell off when I finally got upright and had to adjust my paddle to be longer 😂 Shock as I hit the water and gulp in the sea water. I got back on with a friend’s help but continued on my knees. My attempts to stand up were well and truly scuppered now. Still, I enjoyed the experience on my knees, sitting on my feet.

Later I went back in to swim and thoroughly enjoyed that too. Yes it was cold, yes I wasn’t wearing a wetsuit, but I was very much alive and loving it and that’s all that mattered. We also played rounders which I hadn’t done since primary school – I was awful 😂 Can’t throw a ball, can’t catch a ball, can barely bat a ball. I can run from one point to the next though 🤷🏻‍♀️ Not much use as a team player but nevertheless, I enjoyed myself and that was the aim of today!

Tried some more paddle-boarding before we left too. Attempted to get up on my feet again but no, that wasn’t happening. However, I did manage to kneel up on my knees (rather than kneeling down, sitting on my feet) so my centre of gravity was higher, and I could keep my balance that way. Lots of effort on the thigh muscles that way but it felt good to be a little further up off the board and being confident with it. I was also able to move around on the board a bit more, changing positions to sitting and dangling my legs off the side. I’d love to try it again and I’m determined to master standing up on one, one day!

As time went on, normally I’d have been worrying about getting home for a shower, but I wasn’t checking the clock, my phone was nowhere near me and I was at the mercy of a friend driving me home anyway so there was no control over that – a great feeling as I could let go and just relax. By the time I got home and picked up the dog from next door, I had just under an hour to get ready and I did, ready early even! Or “on time” I should say, when normally I’m late 😁

Felt amazing in my dress, which I have worn before for a wedding last August when it was tight. Now it “fits” although it’s on the roomier side so it’s at least comfortable but I wanted to wear it this one last time because I’m suspecting that I won’t have another event to wear it to, if I am aiming to lose another 2 stone.

At the birthday party, I ate what I wanted, drank coke (no longer addicted because I actually got a bit of sick of it after a few cans so I’m in no rush to get back to it – strange that!) enjoyed compliments about my figure and good condition of my skin, had tons of energy and Ceilidh-danced the night away! I enjoyed the company of many folk who I don’t see nearly as often as I’d like to but showed me I still have the sociable side to my personality and thrive on it.

All in all, a very positive day but I’m looking forward to a more chilled out day tomorrow on my own where I don’t have to think about how I look. Good job really because I’ve got some “tan” lines developing. My feet are red where I forgot to sun-cream them, my forearms are a bit patchy where I think the sun-cream has wiped off from being in the water. I’ve caught a bit of sun on my face, showing a line where my headband was sitting (make-up covered that up tonight) so I’ll be treating that with Aloe Vera gel in the hope that come Monday, it’ll have calmed down a wee bit. My make-up is SPF15 but that clearly wasn’t enough. I could perhaps look for a stronger SPF for future or at least apply sun-cream before powder. The sun-cream, even though it’s out-of-date, did seem to work for most of the areas I applied it to but I also might have caught a bit of sun on the back of my neck (based on me scratching a wee bit tonight and feeling it on fire, a little). A small price to pay for a wonderful day with fabulous people on a pretty secluded beach all to ourselves for most of the day, until a few families and dogs appeared - they obviously didn’t get the memo that we’d booked the entire beach 🤪!

[islandpcosjourney]

Day 25 – May ’22 challenge

2nd June 2022

Almost there! Having a really good day with my juices today – feeling on top of the world. As it’s the Jubilee celebrations across the nation and the schools are off tomorrow, I’ve had many lessons being cancelled, despite me checking with them last week if a lesson was still required – it happens. Plans change, people get invited to parties, a day off can lead to last minute plans etc. Last Sunday, I had been invited to the beach for the day, tomorrow, but I instantly knew that I wouldn’t be able to make it, as I’d already checked with these students 😂 However, as the week’s gone on, the cancellations started rolling in and every time somebody messaged on the group chat about Friday’s beach day, I grew more and more frustrated with myself that I hadn’t just simply taken the day off. That’s on me, my choice as a self-employed tutor to work ANY day of the week/month/year. So today, when it got down to just 2 lessons left for tomorrow, I made the decision to just cancel them and go to the beach!

However, a beach day for me is not necessarily straight forward…….. Anxieties! I’m trying my best to get over them, but a last-minute plan will always increase my anxieties as the unknowns that I overthink are so much worse when I don’t have the time to plan properly. I considered just having a day to myself at home. I talked myself out of that one this morning! I was being invited to spend time with good people – why on earth would I NOT go?

Well, it will involve sun, exposing my arms/legs as it might be hot. Not sure if I have appropriate sunscreen though as I last bought the current tube in 2016 so that’s out-of-date 😂 Better shave my legs!

It will involve going into the water, but I don’t have a wet suit. This hasn’t stopped me before when I’ve been swimming in the sea in summer, in just leggings and a top. I prefer that to a swimsuit around people because I’m very self-conscious of my size, even now. Perhaps one day I’ll feel better. However, out of interest I did try on my swimsuits. One did fit but my bust is so saggy in it (I clearly need a supportive swimsuit nowadays) and the other did fit around me but not around my bust, which was bulging out in all directions 😂 My shape really has changed an awful lot over the years as clearly I had a much smaller bust when I used to wear these swimsuits back in 2011-2014. So, even though the rest of me has shrunk enough to wear them again, my chest size has definitely not. So, no swimsuit tomorrow then! Leggings, a top and my lounge bra it is.

So, if the leggings and top will be getting wet, that’ll mean I’ll need a change of clothes and I have no idea what kind of shelter/area we’ll have for privacy so, I have to think ahead at having easy stuff to change in/out of. A quick dress to shove over my lounge bra, easy to take off my leggings then & croc sandals, no socks. We might also be spending some time playing games on the sand too, so perhaps my leggings & top might dry if I’m running around and if the sun is hot - that’s happened before.

If I’m still wet when I get back into the car, I’ll need an extra towel to keep the seats dry (I’m going in a friend’s car). On the list it goes! I’ll also need my big towel to wrap me up if I get cold in the water. Or should I take my jacket? But then that’s extra to carry if it’s too hot 🤦🏻‍♀️

Everyone is taking their own packed lunch with them. I’ll be on juice so I’ll need to take the large flask with me – yet more to carry – biggest backpack I can find then!

Obviously I’m not going to wear make-up as I’ll be going into the sea, but I will really miss it! I keep thinking about what I “could” wear that would be waterproof. I certainly used to have a waterproof mascara, but I don’t know about it anymore. My foundation used to be fine in water but now I only wear powder. I will go without but today my chin was really sensitive when I was shaving, and it became really red and inflamed. If it’s like that tomorrow, then I really won’t want to go without powder covering it up 😫 So, if I then do decide to wear some to begin with, I should take a mirror with me and my little travel make-up kit to touch up?

My biggest concern is my hair. I have to fill it in so will the sea water end up washing it away? It doesn’t generally wash off without shampoo or facewash, but it does when I come out of a bath and I’m all wet, so I tend to try to not touch my hair as it comes off in my hands and then on the sheets. If that starts happening, I’ll feel an absolute embarrassed wreck.. It doesn’t come fully off but starts to look weird, so perhaps, I should wear one of my headbands to cover up my hairline in the first place. Or I could take one with me for when I start to notice that my fill-in powder is coming off?

Some of these points might seem like tiny issues but to me, they’re huge and the anxiety is really real. The anxiety is usually so huge that I end up not doing things/going places as a result. I really don’t want that to be the case this time. As I read back on all of these “issues”, they really seem silly and I can’t imagine anyone else who’s going, having the same feelings as me. Perhaps I’m wrong. Perhaps they also have anxieties, but I do feel alone with it at the moment. However, no matter what……

I want to socialise.

I want to have fun.

I want to feel good again.

I will be going!

(Photo above of the last time I was in the sea - July 2019. That day I didn’t think about my hair or my make up. Maybe it washed off, maybe it smudged all over my face? Point is I don’t remember and that sparks off more anxieties as I clearly wasn’t “aware” that day and might’ve looked like a right fool! I know I was huge then although I wasn’t aware of it at the time. But also, I clearly didn’t worry about it coz I just focused on having fun! Oh how I hate how my mind works on overtime sometimes 🥴)