I can't hate you for something
I couldn't remember until the
other mornings I canโt hate you
for something you possibly went through too
I wonder if they did to you the same
that you did to me
But my mind blocked out that day
I would've never remembered
Ever
Suddenly I've gone back in time
when she tells me, i felt like
A scared child again
Sobbing and screaming
Begging to be let out the house that
I was too small to be alone in
Crying for my mum
Begging my dad to let me out
Let me out, please, I'm sorry,
Just let me out!
Gone back to banging on the door
Back to being so afraid
Gone back to thinking what I did wrong to
Deserve this - too young
To understand that maybe
Your parents did the same to you
Gone back ten yeas not having looked back
But new l remember it all,
I wen t back to that moment
Relived it all
Told it back in a different perspective
That I didn't respond to well.
I never cried at a memory
The tears fell quicker than I could blink
I could hear the screaming
I could hear the crying like
I was someone else in the house
That tragic memory
Long lost and wished you never came back
You pushed me a step back
Humbled me a little
You rattled that part of me that needs healing
And so if I can't hate you
then I donโt know what to do
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I hope this is my last goodbye - ishxni
my body is filled with all the goodbye
I wish that I could say,
itโs cluttered and battered with
all the memories of the ones I
packed in a suitcase and brought with me,
I wonder if every drink I pick up
is filled with a memory of you because
my mind always strays back with you.
I wish you let me say goodbye,
I hated finding out the way I did
I wish I knew sooner,
that my heart was screaming at me
that I wasnโt the only one for you anymore,
you left me here,
youโre the reason for everything I did
and everything I said,
and Iโm regretting all that time I wasted
chasing you,
leaving me with nothing but making me
hate myself all over again,
because you were my chance of happiness
in the midst of things
and I thought it was my fault why you didnโt
want me anymore,
but it wasnโt, was it?
It wasnโt my fault,
but still my goodbyes are all filled with apologies
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โ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ ๐ธ๐ข๐ฏ๐ต๐ฆ๐ฅ ๐ต๐ฐ ๐ญ๐ฆ๐ข๐ท๐ฆ ๐ข๐ฏ๐ฅ ๐ ๐ฅ๐ช๐ฅ ๐ต๐ฐ๐ฐ,
๐ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ช๐ฏ๐ฌ ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ ๐ธ๐ฐ๐ถ๐ญ๐ฅโ๐ท๐ฆ ๐ด๐ต๐ข๐บ๐ฆ๐ฅ ๐ช๐ง ๐ ๐ธ๐ข๐ฏ๐ต๐ฆ๐ฅ ๐ต๐ฐ ๐ด๐ต๐ข๐บ,
๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ ๐ฅ๐ช๐ฅ๐ฏโ๐ต ๐ญ๐ฆ๐ข๐ท๐ฆ ๐ธ๐ช๐ต๐ฉ๐ฐ๐ถ๐ต ๐ฎ๐ฆ, ๐ด๐ฐ ๐ธ๐ฆ ๐ญ๐ฆ๐ง๐ต ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ฎ ๐ข๐จ๐ข๐ช๐ฏ.โ
- (from a work in progress by ishani)
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you haunted me all through November- ishani
summer ended with sadness,
my mind lingered all through the autumnal
fall, and I thought right back to you,
you and your soft brown eyes,
and everything we said,
thing things youโd say to me,
and said goodbye with all
the things I shouldโve said
which led me right back to you
in a different form,
he was perfect
the perfect criminal,
everything I thought I was looking for
crept behind me blindly,
put me right back in the same place as before.
I went back home to the place
you left me,
with someone new,
but I left without him too,
making me miss you more than before,
yearning you greatly.
Autumn ended sooner,
sadness replaced with yearning,
to once single thread tied me to you,
I donโt want you,
nor am I in love with you,
yet Iโm yearning you
because I wish I couldโve
fallen in love with someone like you.
Youโre kind,
youโre funny,
everything that he wasnโt,
and still my mind stays with him,
I think of what you said to me
time and time again,
filled me up with empty promises
which left me wanting more,
so my mind reminisced you in all kinds of way,
leaving me hating you more than I
did before.
Autumn turned to winter,
The air smells of Christmas,
reminding me that soon Iโll return back
to the place you left me all that time ago,
Iโve come to accept to how badly
you hurt me,
struck a knife to my heart
filled with the words I wish you said,
the truth I wish you told me,
making me wish that summer warned me sooner,
I left home in pain,
I went back with someone new,
I left without him too,
so now when I go back,
Iโll have to think about the nights
my walls watched me fall
apart at the tip of your fingers,
going back to the place I left behind,
with the same girl I left behind.
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Ghost - ishani
my mouth tastes of all the things
i shouldโve said to you,
my tongue heavy as I can feel you
underneath it,
your name slips out of my mouth
as easy as it is to breath,
but Iโm not calling out to you,
nor talking to you,
Iโm telling them how much I miss you,
and I canโt help but miss you.
I miss you like youโre dead,
and thatโs what makes it worse -
knowing that youโre out there too,
doing half as much as me,
but happier than me,
I miss you like you
were in my life
forever.
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You were my greatest what if - ishani
You are my greatest what if;
what if you fell in love with me,
or if I fell in love with you?
What if I stayed for those
last 10 minutes would you have
kissed me or not?
What if you had kissed me that night,
would have have only been a one night
drunk moment, never looked back?
what if you kept your promise,
and waited for me whilst you were
in Toulouse for three weeks?
What if I didnโt go crawling back to
you each time you found
your way back to me?
What if I kept crawling back to you
after all this time, would I still be aching
over you?
Actually no - I am still aching over you,
your name slips off my tongue when
i say that I miss you.
What if I finally got over you?
What if I was finally brave enough
to let you go?
Delete the pictures of you in my camera roll,
delete the messages that we shared forever
and what if I did?
Would I finally be happy?
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Wet Dream - ishani
Your hands running up and down
my arms,
you meet a pressure point,
your fingers running over it,
you donโt know what youโre doing to me,
I squeeze my legs together,
your hands keep going,
and my heart beating faster and faster,
i want you to take me.
I think of you at night,
your hands running over that sweet spot,
the sweetest spot,
and a vibration between my legs,
head back in a pillow,
seeing your face,
feeling your fingers over my sweet spot,
the sweetest spotโ
thatโs all I need because now
youโre in my mind rent free,
whilst Iโve let it all go
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If I Canโt Have Love, I Want Power - ishani
I miss who I was before I met you,
before you stared at me under that
god damn arch, in the pouring rain;
because as soon as I touched you โ
I craved you,
i took the wrong advice and left you
wanting more,
and merely for a moment
it worked,
and I was craving this power where
Iโd say โjumpโ and youโd go flying.
You made me power drunk,
to which I fell in love, and before I could
realise I passed on this power to you,
and you relished in how you had me
trapped in your fist and living off of the
attention that you would feed to me,
left me craving you,
yearning you.
You abused your power, and in some ways
you abused me, you fed of the scars that
you left me with, and now I feel like
Iโm fading away,
when you left me with no good bye,
you left me and I died.
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Itโs a clichรฉ - ishani
I think I like you more than you like me,
i think you liked me first,
but I liked you harder.
You fell first,
but I fell harder.
I never fell in love with you,
but i knew that if I let myself,
I wouldโve really really fucking loved you,
but it seems as if I barely knew you.
I think you played me,
teased me,
talked me up,
for no reason whatsoever,
you didnโt gain anything,
but I lost everything,
because you gave me enough to leave me
feeling like I was outside of
my body,
fell right back to the beginning
where you looked at me with
your soft brown eyes which in the moment
weโre forever mine,
paid me enough attention that
i fell right back to the beginning in which
i died in your eyes thinking I was the
most beautiful thing you ever did see.
I think I like you more than you like me,
i hate to admit that itโs stuck
in my mind, even after weeks of you
leaving me and coming back to me,
and making me fall right back to where we began,
under that arch in the pouring rain,
right back to where we began,
your hands on me,
the five minutes I didnโt stay,
right back to where we began,
giving me hope,
giving me false hope,
giving me attention,
giving me all the right words,
for you to just have me,
have my soul,
have me whole,
just entirely yours,
by nothing but your words.
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untitled - ishani
Iโve missed you all summer,
I missed your lingering touch,
and your smile,
and your stupid fucking hair.
I missed it all.
I missed you all summer,
even in the moments I had you,
you let me run back to you knowing
that catching you was like trying
to capture a ghost.
You slipped from my fingertips,
like the hot smoke from the joint between my fingers,
and youโd let me try to relight our flame
a thousand times,
and every time you let my spirts rise.
You were my ghost in human flesh,
and you passed back and forth between my heart
and lingering at the seams where you ripped it apart,
and then you would come back, here Iโd go crawling,
and forgiving you became second nature to me,
and each time I told myself youโd stay for good,
but still youโd float away to everyone
else whilst you kept me with unkept,
empty promises.
I missed you all summer,
and I wish you couldโve just let me
say good bye,
one last time for good,
and then you wouldnโt come back
and haunt me like a lost ghost.
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Hopeless romantic - ishani
I know that the ending will always end the
same, that maybe itโs not worth trying to
remind myself,
thatโs itโs okay to get hurt every once
in a while, but I donโt think I can do it again.
This story,
Iโve seen it before
in different fonts,
the same but not quite sure
what it is between us,
but something.
My timeline filled with tarot card readings
that heโll come back in a few weeks,
to which he did,
but only now,
itโs the fortune of when youโll kiss me
or how you kiss me,
or if I kiss you.
The same fortune telling
like months before,
Iโve read this book
Iโve re -read this book, but the
hopeless romantic in me
is brave enough to stay.
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That other cider - ishani
I think that Iโve lived my perfect moment,
or something close enough,
your bed
your house
your hand in mine
your other slowly drawing on my skin,
and Iโm silently begging you to move your
hand elsewhere,
your bed
your house
your hand in mine
your other dragging over the material covering my hip,
and Iโm silently begging you to kiss me tonight,
your bed
your house
your hand in mine
your head resting on mine,
and Iโm silently begging you to ask me to stay,
just for the night
just tonight,
your bed
your house,
your hand in mine
and my phone points out it 4:02
I sat โI should goโ and you offer
it walk me back home
but I wish youโd offer me just tonight,
so you say goodbye to me at the door,
your door,
your house,
and youโre arms around my body,
just one kiss goodbye,
but instead you leave me with a hug,
maybe next time
in your bed,
in your house,
with your hands in mine,
and your lips on mine?
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Slip away - ishani
The first time I met you
i didnโt want to wash away your touch,
I wouldโve skipped an ocean worth of showers ,
just to have you lingering on my skin,
soft to the touch,
soft hands,
soft skin,
and hands on mine.
The last time I met you
I came home and scrubbed my skin
black and blue,
just so I can remove the traces of you;
the internal scars that you left me with
would wash away too,
but that wasnโt enough,
skin red raw,
but all I could feel was you,
and how you left me in the dust.
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one night, two nights, nothing more - ishani
I begin to wonder why
I feel this way.
It was just one night,
our hands intertwined,
my head on your shoulder,
a last embrace,
and now a night tonight,
dancing talks,
nothing more,
and now youโre stuck in my head
for no reason more,
Iโve lost myself completely,
and I donโt understand,
it was just one night,
two nights, nothing more.
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Itโs a clichรฉ - ishani
I think I like you more than you like me,
i think you liked me first,
but I liked you harder.
You fell first,
but I fell harder.
I never fell in love with you,
but i knew that if I let myself,
I wouldโve really really fucking loved you,
but it seems as if I barely knew you.
I think you played me,
teased me,
talked me up,
for no reason whatsoever,
you didnโt gain anything,
but I lost everything,
because you gave me enough to leave me
feeling like I was outside of
my body,
fell right back to the beginning
where you looked at me with
your soft brown eyes which in the moment
were forever mine,
paid me enough attention that
i fell right back to the beginning in which
i died in your eyes thinking I was the
most beautiful thing you ever did see.
I think I like you more than you like me,
i hate to admit that itโs stuck
in my mind, even after weeks of you
leaving me and coming back to me,
and making me fall right back to where we began,
under that arch in the pouring rain,
right back to where we began,
your hands on me,
the five minutes I didnโt stay,
right back to where we began,
giving me hope,
giving me false hope,
giving me attention,
giving me all the right words,
for you to just have me,
have my soul,
have me whole,
just entirely yours,
by nothing but your words.
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ROSES - ishani
I feel lonely, like Iโm lost in a desert, or stuck at sea,
or Iโm a rose and anyone who comes gets struck by
my thrones and leave me;
to be looked at,
passed around,
to be picked and never put back.
Iโm a scrunched up flower
and I can never go back to who I was a year
ago today.
I feel lonely and taken for granted,
feeling like a curse.
Iโve never had someone to live me back,
and I hope that one day
i can reach someone to love as true as I can,
youโll reach your hand out to me,
and for the first time
youโll love me more than I love you,
or anyone else for that matter.
These feeling come and go,
itโs permanently driven and seized in a moment,
where youโll reach for the moon,
because I told you it was beautiful,
and you told me I deserve all things beautiful.
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โin a minute there is time for decisions and revisions which a minute will reverseโ - ishani
I let my fantasies take me away from
my realities just for a moment of time
I am finished chasing a ghost,
I wonder if heโll come crawling back,
and if so,
will I forgive him?
I think so,
I usually always do,
everytime,
but this time,
you were different.
But I am finished waiting for you,
so I wish you all the best in life,
Goodbye my (merely for a moment) French
Prince, I hope you meet
someone better than anything
I could offer.
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